Heartbits (Speak your heart out)

[Guest lastdraw]

A collection of my random writing. 

If you also like to write and hope to express some thoughts or feelings you experienced in the day, you are more than welcome to share here too! 

 

Hope you guys enjoy this little safe haven  

Edited June 20, 2018 by lastdraw

[Guest lastdraw]

Recently I've been rather unstable. 

 

I am losing control of my life. I can't really pinpoint what's wrong. 

Perhaps there are so many things I could do, or feel I should be doing. Yet, I couldn't find any motivation to start any. 

What's worse is that I hate such an unproductive lifestyle. How ironic. 

 

I know I just can't stay at home and rot any further. 

I ate an early dinner, packed my bag and travelled all the way to town for this coffee outlet. 

The past two hours have been rather fruitful. At least I feel I'm sorting stuff out. 

 

I like this place because customers I meet here are always so focused in their task, so absorbed in their world. 

It's 8:30pm. Most people would have their dinner and head back home to rest early before the new week starts. 

The place will only get quieter. I will only feel better. 

 

Some laughter from not faraway caught my attention. 

I looked up and saw a couple chatting over coffee. 

The girl is blocked, but the guy is right in line of my sight. He has such a cute smile. 

They laughed again. 

 

I ordered black coffee and a cheescake. 

I always like the cheesecake - its sour and sweet combination and its soft texture. 

But today, I seem to like the bitter coffee more.

Edited June 10, 2018 by lastdraw

[Kimochi]

25 minutes ago, lastdraw said:

Recently I've been rather unstable. 

 

I am losing control of my life. I can't really pinpoint what's wrong. 

Perhaps there are so many things I could do, or feel I should be doing. Yet, I couldn't find any motivation to start any. 

What's worse is that I hate such an unproductive lifestyle. How ironic. 

 

I know I just can't stay at home and rot any further. 

I ate an early dinner, packed my bag and travelled all the way to town for this coffee outlet. 

The past two hours have been rather fruitful. At least I feel I'm sorting stuff out. 

 

I like this place because customers I meet here are always so focused in their task, so absorbed in their world. 

It's 8:30pm. Most people would have their dinner and head back home to rest early before the new week starts. 

The place will only get quieter. I will only feel better. 

 

Some laughter from not faraway caught my attention. 

I looked up and saw a couple chatting over coffee. 

The girl is blocked, but the guy is right in line of my sight. He has such a cute smile. 

They laughed again. 

 

I ordered black coffee and a cheescake. 

I always like the cheesecake - its sour and sweet combination and its soft texture. 

But today, I seem to like the bitter coffee more.

Go exercise ~

[Sh3rlock]

@lastdraw  Some of my fondest memories are doing what you describe above - people watching, thinking about life and love, enjoying sensual food and drink.

 

....a spicy haggis in a noisy pub in Fort William accompanied by a creamy bitter ice cold Guinness...

....a hot ramen in a crowded little place in the middle of Tokyo...

... a big steak in a restaurant in the middle of London....

....a Drambuie and a bitter coffee at a bar on the side of a humming eatery in Cape Town....

....eating barbecue sitting around a big fire under the endless sky of the Kalahari desert with a bunch of strangers....

 

And always thinking that next time I should bring along a notebook to pen down my thoughts, lol.

 

Thanks for starting the thread....

 

[ajax]

what are the "so many things I could do"? at your age, it's easy to try things out. so just start with something first. 

[greenroad]

How times have changed our surroundings.. For those who grew up with non aircon buses, do you remember how stuffy the bus was when it rained?

 

It had been a few tough days, and i was on the bus and the usual route home. it was raining cats and dogs, and the traffic was slow, in fact terrible.. I felt the sudden calmness as i focused on the rain water which was streaming down on the massive windows... It really soothed the tired and heavy heart. However it also made me wondered, how could such simple pleasures such as watching the rain be forgotten? 

 

I reminded myself to always stop for the rain just for a simple reason - it never fails to make me happier.. 

 

 

 

[keroppi]

@lastdraw, hope you’re feeling better after some me time at your favourite coffee joint today. I used to experience this melancholy quite often too, especially during the years when I was living abroad away from my family, but I always found comfort in a nice coffee and book at my favourite Starbucks. It’s a new week so chin up (plus there’s a public holiday to look forward to)!

 

Meanwhile I’ll look forward to your random musings here 

 

[Steve5380]

2 hours ago, lastdraw said:

Recently I've been rather unstable. 

 

I am losing control of my life. I can't really pinpoint what's wrong. 

Perhaps there are so many things I could do, or feel I should be doing. Yet, I couldn't find any motivation to start any. 

What's worse is that I hate such an unproductive lifestyle. How ironic. 

-----

 

 

I have always been goal oriented.

Now in my eighth decade of life, I start to see things differently.

This is fortunate, because I am contradicting my basic standards.

I cannot possibly fulfill my list of accomplishments in the short time I have left.

Being retired, I am not productive in the usual sense.

Being older, time flies by and one slows down.

However, my definition of "productive" has totally changed.

 

I am now more productive than ever experiencing life like I never did before.

The result of all my efforts to contribute to society as a normal person 

is infinitesimal. Society will not miss me at all.

But I am becoming highly important to myself,

while still helping and being important to a few others.

 

 

[Guest lastdraw]

Usually by 11am in the morning I would be really famished. Either I have breakfast too early, eat too little for breakfast, or put in too much effort at work. Expectedly, by 11am, my stomach started to growl. The emptiness in my stomach was the only thing in my mind and I just. couldn’t. wait. for. lunch. to. come.

 

And the clock finally ticked 11:45am. I dashed out of the office, down the lift, and met my two lunch buddies. Seeing them was one step nearer. to. food!!! 

 

‘’Got time to spare? Let’s walk a bit and try the famous Yong Tau Foo,’’ my friend said. Though by then I could eat almost anything, I wouldn’t complain if it’s good food filling both my stomach and heart <:

 

’’Fuck, you know what? I had the least productive morning ever. All I did was staple, unstaple and then staple. My buddy doesn’t care about me. Everyone in office is so unfriendly. My manager keeps ignoring my emails. Fuck. Wa I can’t stand it man...’’ 

 

I listened intently, but I didn’t know what to reply when he finally ended. I remembered only replying rather simply, and for that I felt really sorry. I felt sorry that I didn’t really offer any comforting advice. The hunger wasn’t helping, nor was the weather. 

 

Before we parted ways I jokingly said, ‘’Hope you have a more productive afternoon.’’ He laughed and thanked me for hearing him out. ‘’Nah I din help much.’’ ‘’Don’t worry man. I just wanted to rant. Hope you aren’t too affected.’’

 

I checked back on myself - I didn’t feel upset anymore. Sadly I am surrounded by some really pessimistic and frustrated people. But thankfully the self-defence mechanism I built over time managed to ward off the sometimes excessive negative energy so as to protect my own well-being, while I still remained sane and aware to a certain degree towards these people. 

 

I don’t think this is really selfish? You have to be as nice to yourself as to others, if not better

Edited June 11, 2018 by lastdraw

[Steve5380]

On 6/11/2018 at 7:12 AM, lastdraw said:

I don’t think this is really selfish? You have to be as nice to yourself as to others, if not better

 

It is not selfish, or the selfishness is justified.

Help yourself first, so that you are in good shape to help others.

[Guest lastdraw]

If you haven’t gone to the Geylang Serai bazaar and plan to do so, you have at least tonight left to visit it before having to wait till next year.

 

go, only if you’d like to soak in the merry festive atmosphere / try some novel food and drinks / your family or friends drag you there and you have no choice (which happened to me). if not just don’t go, especially if you dislike hot and stuffy and crowded places / somewhat overpriced food / would rather spend your money on a nice proper meal.

 

well, deep inside me I would rather my friends and I find a nice comfortable cooling place, order some decent good food and slowly catch up over a long dinner. after all, some of them just came back from overseas and we really needed to talk. the bazaar is obviously not of the right setting to do that - one is busy enough avoiding sweaty bodies from coming too close, looking out for what to buy next, fanning oneself furiously and constantly asking if coming to the bazaar was even the right decision. 

 

after the bazaar, I took the train home with a friend. 

he's not my best friend, but a very good friend whom I really cherish and hope to build a stronger friendship with.

we used to encounter a difficult incident in the past, which left us both rather awkward. we took a year or so to overcome the stigma, before I left for overseas first, then him, for our exchange programme.

many times I would be thinking - if not for the incident, we would have become closer, if not best friends (that's of course considering our personality, interests, etc).

nevertheless, i'm so thankful we've finally let the incident get past us, and that we can finally move on to a greater friendship.

 

i'm one who values my loved ones a lot, my family and close friends. i also believe that kinship and friendship do not just drop from the sky.

every now and then, I would think if there's anything I could do for each of my family members, or any group of friends whom I have not seen for some time.

every now and then, I would pray to my god, for protecting my loved ones, for everyone whom I am lucky to have.

every now and then, I would tell myself that these people don't come by easily, and I should never ever take them for granted.

 

i hope the same goes for you - let this be a timely reminder for you to just spend a couple of seconds after reading this post, to think of your partner/family/friends, anyone you really care about.

perhaps it's time you initiate a conversation, arrange some time together, or simply express how much you love them.

 

psst, it’s Fathers’ Day this sunday

Edited June 17, 2018 by lastdraw

[Guest lastdraw]

when I walked down the stairs from the platform level and slowly approached the gantry, I already saw two people clad in a red shirt holding to a clipboard each and walking around the station. I usually do not entertain these people, but I dont just throw them a black face or walk away nonchalantly (dont be rude ok please be kinder). i would at least say ‘no, thank you.’

 

so when i eventually tapped out of the gantry, I knew I was going to walk as fast as I could, away from these two people. before I was close enough to the first guy to say my ‘no, thank you’, he waved at me, smiling, and said ‘hello! I know you very tired...’ 

 

that was such a nice thing to say!! it felt like he truly understood the fatigue i was wearing by the end of the day. from the corner of my eyes I saw the logo on his shirt - Singapore Heart Foundation. I have always been interested in charity and good social causes (and not insurance or random surveys), so I would be more willing to stay and hear him out. but my legs were too fast and ‘no, thank you’ came out of my mouth faster than I thought. 

 

i didnt catch his reaction. i continued to walk for a good 20 steps or so, refreshing on what just happened and finally registering that i would want to hear this friendly guy share about a cause that may resonate with me. so I turned around and went back to the station. 

 

when he saw me he didnt recognise me immediately, until I asked, ‘you had something to share with me, yeah?’ and when he did, he was so shocked that I turned back and was willing to lend him a few minutes of my time. 

 

throughout the entire sharing, he was very passionate and professional in the things he said and respected me, not merely regurgitating a chunk of hard facts or hard-selling me anything. In fact, when he realised Im still a student and may not have the economic means to make a donation on the spot, he did not just ‘give up’ on me nor push me to donate any amount (because its the thought that counts blablabla). he urged me to share with my family and friends about the organisation, and had me bring home a pamphlet to spread the word. he then continued to have some small talk with me.

 

i thanked him before I left, but I totally regretted not telling him how impressed I was with his friendliness, passion and professionalism. i believe that would have spurred him on as he continued to share with more people that night, and with many more in future. 

 

i know many of you here are volunteers helping different missions and/or advocating different causes. i truly admire all your burning spirit, and hope all of you would continue to light up people’s lives and inspire others

Edited June 17, 2018 by lastdraw

[Guest lastdraw]

last night I dreamt that I had a boyfriend. i could somewhat remember his facial features and his name. 

a pleasant looking guy, and a cute name. 

but this guy doesn't actually exist, at least in my life. 

 

there was nothing sexual.

it began with us being friends, then me admiring him secretly and guessing if he actually liked me too. 

then one day (or night) he hugged me and caught me by surprise. 

i remember how overjoyed i was. we hugged, tickled, whispered into each other's ear and simply enjoyed each other's company. 

we were very conscious because somehow there were other friends in the same room.

we made sure to get dressed and 'get back to normal' before the morning came and everyone started to wake up. 

by sunrise, we could only pass frequent glances at each other, knowing only in our heart that we were once happy together. 

 

when I woke up, he's no longer there. 

but the beautiful feeling still lingered, as I tried so hard to recall everything.

even though I know for myself that by writing this post I would get judged for being desperate or for fabricating such a disgusting mushy lovey dovey story, I figured I just needed an outlet to tell this story, and about him. 

 

now that I'm done writing and that things are beginning to fade, I finally realise it's a breezy lovely Sunday. 

Edited June 17, 2018 by lastdraw

[IkuTube]

Thank you for contributing.  It is the sharing that teaches others. Your writing speaks to your soul and heal your life journey.  This, in itself, is a very powerful tool towards higher consciousness.

 

 

2 hours ago, lastdraw said:

 

when I woke up, ...

but the beautiful feeling still lingers.

 

now that I'm done writing and that things are beginning to fade, I finally realised it's a breezy lovely Sunday. 

 

 

While we often want to interpret our dreams to become something real, dreams can be indicative depending how much a person takes to the message.  Are dreams symbolic and/or reflective of anything? -  It is only you that control it.  I have heard of people that work on dreams and alter the reality.

 

But whatever it is,  you took charge to synchronize your dream to a beautiful day "breezy lovely Sunday".  That is all that is important.

 

 

[keroppi]

@lastdraw I don’t think anyone is going to judge you; instead you should be proud of your ability to be so brave and open with your feelings in writing. I’m sure that special someone will appear in your life soon and turn this dream into a reality  I also agree with Ikutube about it being a powerful way to translate this symbolic dream into the start of a beautiful Sunday. Enjoy the rest of the long weekend!

[fab]

6 hours ago, lastdraw said:

last night I dreamt that I had a boyfriend. i could somewhat remember his facial features and his name. 

a pleasant looking guy, and a cute name. 

but this guy doesn't actually exist, at least in my life. 

 

there was nothing sexual.

it began with us being friends, then me admiring him secretly and guessing if he actually liked me too. 

then one day (or night) he hugged me and caught me by surprise. 

i remember how overjoyed i was. we hugged, tickled, whispered into each other's ear and simply enjoyed each other's company. 

we were very conscious because somehow there were other friends in the same room. we made sure to get dressed and 'get back to normal' before the morning came and everyone started to wake up. 

by sunrise, we could only pass frequent glances at each other, knowing only in our heart that we were once happy together. 

 

when I woke up, he's no longer there. 

but the beautiful feeling still lingers. i was trying so hard to recall everything.

even though I know for myself that by writing this post I would get judged for being desperate or for fabricating such a disgusting mushy lovey dovey story, I figured I just needed an outlet to tell this story, and about him. 

 

now that I'm done writing and that things are beginning to fade, I finally realised it's a breezy lovely Sunday. 

 

It could be happening at the alternate universe.

[Sh3rlock]

@lastdraw I like to think our dreams are a reflection of our subconscious thoughts which surface when we sleep. If I had such a  dream as you describe, the message to me would be about the importance of real friendship, caring, and sharing with each other above the sometimes carnal exchange of body fluids (Although I do not deny such dreams can be damn hot too) and that it is important that we do not lose perspective  on life due to our testosterone driven make-up.

 

Bottom line: Dream on ! and aspire to the higher goal of meaningful mutual friendship and trust...

 

Another inspirational piece. thank you.

[Sh3rlock]

@lastdraw Something I penned at Changi Airport earlier in the week. My humble attempt at a contribution to your thread, if I may.

 

It is 5o’clock in the morning. Where I sit on the smoking verandah of the airport, the incessant drone of the aircraft engines serves to cocoon my thoughts from all interference.

 

The inhaled smoke from an aromatic cigarette and the sensually smooth somewhat sweet hazelnut latte, deliberately chosen over my preferred Nicaraguan double espresso, compliments each other. I opted for this combination as I almost subconsciously recognised that I required some pampering.

 

My thoughts wander from the preparation for the complex and difficult meeting which is the purpose of this flight, to the dark dog that was in my room when I woke up in the small hours of the morning. I recognise him for who he is, as his familiar barking is the harbinger of the deadening despair signifying that the ever present hole in my soul has reached visible dimensions and require attention. But this time I am not petrified of the hole filled with nothing but darkness. I am positive that I will be able to face the challenges posed by the enlarging void and it’s heralding black dog, fo I have been fortunate to recently meet the handsome man.

 

i was privileged to spend only a few precious intense hours in the presence of the handsome man, during which this entrepreneurial, creative, smart, witty and ultimately wise man reminded me of my true purpose . He refocused me on the importance of giving kindness, friendship and care to those around us , and selflessly giving of ourselves to others. Only after he left, probably never to return, did I recognise the true wisdom imparted by his teaching and the significance for my life.

 

A large portion of the filling of the holes in our souls are derived from giving of ourselves to others. Not going out and actively finding or meeting friends to care for and  offer support to is one of the reasons for the holes in our souls. He who gives, shall receive...Only focusing on our own needs and wants such as recognition for who and what we are, tends to define the size of the hole more clearly and increases the intensity of its blackness. 

 

I saw saw the hole in the soul of the handsome man reflected through his eyes. Despite his own need and deplorably selfish behaviour from me, he did not mention his need or my behaviour once, nor did it stop him from giving kindness and care to me and offering friendship. May he be provided with deserving friends who will sustain his smile, his endless giving and spreading of everlasting goodness.

 

Just having written this, the barking of the black dog is softer and more distant, making me realise the importance also to recognise our own mistakes, the need to correct them , and ultimately to forgive ourselves...even if we do not deserve or expect forgiveness from those we have wronged.

 

...

 

My name is not Hemingway, so apology for the length of the piece and thanks for bearing with me...Maybe one of you can teach me to be more concise, hahaha

 

 

 

[Spaceboy72]

1 hour ago, Sh3rlock said:

@lastdraw Something I penned at Changi Airport earlier in the week. My humble attempt at a contribution to your thread, if I may.

 

It is 5o’clock in the morning. Where I sit on the smoking verandah of the airport, the incessant drone of the aircraft engines serves to cocoon my thoughts from all interference.

 

The inhaled smoke from an aromatic cigarette and the sensually smooth somewhat sweet hazelnut latte, deliberately chosen over my preferred Nicaraguan double espresso, compliments each other. I opted for this combination as I almost subconsciously recognised that I required some pampering.

 

My thoughts wander from the preparation for the complex and difficult meeting which is the purpose of this flight, to the dark dog that was in my room when I woke up in the small hours of the morning. I recognise him for who he is, as his familiar barking is the harbinger of the deadening despair signifying that the ever present hole in my soul has reached visible dimensions and require attention. But this time I am not petrified of the hole filled with nothing but darkness. I am positive that I will be able to face the challenges posed by the enlarging void and it’s heralding black dog, fo I have been fortunate to recently meet the handsome man.

 

i was privileged to spend only a few precious intense hours in the presence of the handsome man, during which this entrepreneurial, creative, smart, witty and ultimately wise man reminded me of my true purpose . He refocused me on the importance of giving kindness, friendship and care to those around us , and selflessly giving of ourselves to others. Only after he left, probably never to return, did I recognise the true wisdom imparted by his teaching and the significance for my life.

 

A large portion of the filling of the holes in our souls are derived from giving of ourselves to others. Not going out and actively finding or meeting friends to care for and  offer support to is one of the reasons for the holes in our souls. He who gives, shall receive...Only focusing on our own needs and wants such as recognition for who and what we are, tends to define the size of the hole more clearly and increases the intensity of its blackness. 

 

I saw saw the hole in the soul of the handsome man reflected through his eyes. Despite his own need and deplorably selfish behaviour from me, he did not mention his need or my behaviour once, nor did it stop him from giving kindness and care to me and offering friendship. May he be provided with deserving friends who will sustain his smile, his endless giving and spreading of everlasting goodness.

 

Just having written this, the barking of the black dog is softer and more distant, making me realise the importance also to recognise our own mistakes, the need to correct them , and ultimately to forgive ourselves...even if we do not deserve or expect forgiveness from those we have wronged.

 

...

 

My name is not Hemingway, so apology for the length of the piece and thanks for bearing with me...Maybe one of you can teach me to be more concise, hahaha

 

 

 

very eloquently written

[Sh3rlock]

1 hour ago, Spaceboy72 said:

very eloquently written

Thank you

[Guest lastdraw]

6 hours ago, Sh3rlock said:

@lastdraw Something I penned at Changi Airport earlier in the week. My humble attempt at a contribution to your thread, if I may.

 

It is 5o’clock in the morning. Where I sit on the smoking verandah of the airport, the incessant drone of the aircraft engines serves to cocoon my thoughts from all interference.

 

The inhaled smoke from an aromatic cigarette and the sensually smooth somewhat sweet hazelnut latte, deliberately chosen over my preferred Nicaraguan double espresso, compliments each other. I opted for this combination as I almost subconsciously recognised that I required some pampering.

 

My thoughts wander from the preparation for the complex and difficult meeting which is the purpose of this flight, to the dark dog that was in my room when I woke up in the small hours of the morning. I recognise him for who he is, as his familiar barking is the harbinger of the deadening despair signifying that the ever present hole in my soul has reached visible dimensions and require attention. But this time I am not petrified of the hole filled with nothing but darkness. I am positive that I will be able to face the challenges posed by the enlarging void and it’s heralding black dog, fo I have been fortunate to recently meet the handsome man.

 

i was privileged to spend only a few precious intense hours in the presence of the handsome man, during which this entrepreneurial, creative, smart, witty and ultimately wise man reminded me of my true purpose . He refocused me on the importance of giving kindness, friendship and care to those around us , and selflessly giving of ourselves to others. Only after he left, probably never to return, did I recognise the true wisdom imparted by his teaching and the significance for my life.

 

A large portion of the filling of the holes in our souls are derived from giving of ourselves to others. Not going out and actively finding or meeting friends to care for and  offer support to is one of the reasons for the holes in our souls. He who gives, shall receive...Only focusing on our own needs and wants such as recognition for who and what we are, tends to define the size of the hole more clearly and increases the intensity of its blackness. 

 

I saw saw the hole in the soul of the handsome man reflected through his eyes. Despite his own need and deplorably selfish behaviour from me, he did not mention his need or my behaviour once, nor did it stop him from giving kindness and care to me and offering friendship. May he be provided with deserving friends who will sustain his smile, his endless giving and spreading of everlasting goodness.

 

Just having written this, the barking of the black dog is softer and more distant, making me realise the importance also to recognise our own mistakes, the need to correct them , and ultimately to forgive ourselves...even if we do not deserve or expect forgiveness from those we have wronged.

 

...

 

My name is not Hemingway, so apology for the length of the piece and thanks for bearing with me...Maybe one of you can teach me to be more concise, hahaha

 

 

 

 

thank you for your contribution!! please feel free to leave your thoughts here, to you and anyone else reading this - this thread is meant for like-minded people to write and express anyway  

 

i like your piece so much  left a lot of imagery and emotions in me and I truly hope people like this handsome man in your story are reciprocated with the best a beautiful life can offer!

[yokohamajin]

-

Edited July 9, 2018 by yokohamajin
-

[kimlo777]

I love walking in the park and smelling fresh cut grass ... it is so refreshing.

[Guest 1 step, 2 steps]

4 hours ago, kimlo777 said:

I love walking in the park and smelling fresh cut grass ... it is so refreshing.

Me too.  When the rain is over, the grass smells as sweet as the roses and the air is crisped and refreshing. There is no other human song other than the sound of frogs and crickets and my own footsteps on the fallen leaves.

[kimlo777]

19 hours ago, Guest 1 step, 2 steps said:

Me too.  When the rain is over, the grass smells as sweet as the roses and the air is crisped and refreshing. There is no other human song other than the sound of frogs and crickets and my own footsteps on the fallen leaves.

i think you are just like me - we are romantics.

[Guest lastdraw]

like some of my army friends, you may think Im crazy to actually like going back to camp for ICT. honestly I really do. trainings and tonnes of waiting and inefficient bureaucracy aside, its really nice to meet my army friends, some of them whom I never see until every reservist training. lucky for me, my army friends and I have been a close bunch. the excruciating times back then when we were still NSFs might be the reason why we are so tight, or perhaps because most of us come from similar backgrounds and are able to connect on the same wavelength. every ICT felt like a temporary detachment from reality, especially when my camp is really secluded. it’s really nice to just hang out and catch up on life.

 

this past ICT was no different - the nice feeling to be around some of my closest buddies was still cosy and comfortable. we haven’t changed much over the year - the gungho one is still as gungho, the lazy one is still as lazy, the joker one is still as joker, and I’m still me. we still talked about things back then and relived bittersweet memories. but as we progress into different stages of life, some things are no longer the same.

 

back then we were all NSFs and soldiers from the same unit - we did the same trainings, ate the same things, laughed at the same jokes and talked about the same life. the only thing that varied was whether we called the shot, did the saigang, commanded the men, or were the men who were commanded. today many of us step on different paths and have moved on to work towards different goals. some of us recently graduated from university and would begin to adult soon, while others would begin to mass send our resumes soon and try desperately to find a place in the workplace. some of us already started slaving off for big MNCs, while others decided to start small businesses and become their own boss. some of us began to wear rings on our finger, while others are still surfing dating apps and swiping left and right. some of us have big plans for the future and are so driven to fulfil them, while others prefer to take a step at a time.

 

while a group of us sat down and slowly shared about our life over some food and drinks, I began to think about the past. back then we were the same, and somehow that felt nice because all of us were altogether. while it is also nice that all of us are now leading our own fantastic life, it is somewhat daunting how all of us are headed in different directions.

 

i kinda imagined how it would be like the next ICT. who would land into the highest paying job and be the richest among all? who would the happiest family man with the happy wife and the happy kids? who would be the grumpiest with a not-too-good job with a not-too-good boss and perhaps a not-too-good future? who would be the most successful with the perfect life that the rest of us are jealous of? who would still be single - either to be envied for his freedom being single or to be suspected that he may not be ‘normal’..?

 

we’re no longer NSFs and soldiers from the same unit, but how nice was it that we were once altogether.

Edited June 30, 2018 by lastdraw

[Guest lastdraw]

一杯敬朝阳 一杯敬月光
唤醒我的向往 温柔了寒窗
于是可以不回头地逆风飞翔
不怕心头有雨 眼底有霜

一杯敬故乡 一杯敬远方
守着我的善良 催着我成长
所以南北的路从此不再漫长
灵魂不再无处安放

 

一杯敬明天 一杯敬过往
支撑我的身体 厚重了肩膀
虽然从不相信所谓山高水长
人生苦短何必念念不忘

 

一杯敬自由 一杯敬死亡
宽恕我的平凡 驱散了迷惘
好吧天亮之后总是潦草离场
清醒的人最荒唐

Edited July 2, 2018 by lastdraw

[kimlo777]

Sitting forlornly, all by myself

Just minding my own business

Deep in distant thoughts

Feeling sad, feeling all alone.

 

When out of the corner of my eyes

You caught my attention

Such a handsome face

Such perfection, even God would be amazed!

 

Drawn away from my own thoughts

My gaze now turns to your face

My heart throbs with excitement

That very moment when our eyes did meet.

[cutejack]

20 minutes ago, kimlo777 said:

Sitting forlornly, all by myself

Just minding my own business

Deep in distant thoughts

Feeling sad, feeling all alone.

 

When out of the corner of my eyes

You caught my attention

Such a handsome face

Such perfection, even God would be amazed!

 

Drawn away from my own thoughts

My gaze now turns to your face

My heart throbs with excitement

That very moment when our eyes did meet.

Pls continue kimlo.pls continue

[Guest lastdraw]

i knew it was going to be a good lunch when I heard we were heading to a restaurant located on a really high floor of a building in central Raffles Place. its a welcome lunch for a colleague who has just joined the team last week. this lunch was unlike my own welcome lunch with the team when I first joined the firm two months back - i remembered back then I was rather jittery and very self-conscious and trying hard not to be too awkward. perhaps I had grown to know my team better, or because I know the attention would be on the newcomer anyway. 

 

the newcomer is actually quite cute, but let’s not take it there. he was converted to the full-time position as an ex-intern, so he used to work with the team some time back. towards the end of the lunch, he took a glance at another of my colleagues and casually commented, ‘’You were more buff last time, right?’’

 

this other colleague looked up at him from his plate and gave a weird look. ‘’Are you checking me out?’’ this quickly escalated to the whole team teasing the newcomer as gay. at first the newcomer brushed it off as a joke, but when the team continued to make fun of him, he started to be more serious and even aggressive. 

 

‘’I am straight. AF (as fuck).’’

 

he began to tell us how gays look at guys very differently, perhaps as part of his instinctive defensive mechanism. ‘’Whenever I go to the gym, the gays would stare at me at the changing room. then they would shift their eyes to... you know where. I even have gays come up to me to talk to me. I know all these because I have been the receiving end.’’ i just continued to eat my food while the rest kept relatively quiet. but i wonder what the rest of the team were thinking - did they believe his words? did they think he was talking nonsense? or were they judging him for bragging? 

 

then the topic moved on to talking about who in the office the newcomer finds to the closest to his type. it was many rounds of joking again, of how some ladies look reasonable enough to remain single till now, and how some ladies are hotter or more chio than the rest. as the topic became more dry, one of my colleagues (finally) threw the bomb at me. ‘’so who in the office is your type?’’

 

‘’oh ya, you. all talked about me and forgot about you quietly sitting here and listening to all these ah,’’ the newcomer turned to me and strangled my neck from the back. he might be feeling relieved that the attention was finally lifted from him. i gave a light laugh and shrugged my shoulders. 

 

‘’haha don’t tease him la. this guy can’t play Cheat man - his face always gives it away. you just throw him a few names and from his expression you would know his answers.’’ 

 

‘’he’s so much younger than the ladies in the office. he got time to slowly find la.’’

 

i smiled and took a sip of water.

Edited July 5, 2018 by lastdraw

[Guest lastdraw]

this guy in the same office as me annoys me every time I bump into him in the toilet. after he washes his hands, he would pull over ten pieces of napkins to dry his only two wet hands, im not even kidding. he would first grab about five pieces, wipe his hands on those napkins very superficially and pathetically, throw those almost dry and clean napkins into the bin (without even crushing them too), grab another five, wipe and throw, then grab again. 

 

this irks me soooo much, yet every time I end up not confronting him about how environmentally unfriendly it is. i mean, it might be his habit and technically I have no right in dictating how he should lead his life? you might say i should have tried talking to him nevertheless... but I always thought i could be my own self lead my own life my own way with my own opinions however I like, but not interfere others who might not even think anything would be any issue. 

 

sometimes I care too much about some stuff, which people may find the least important and the most trivial. that’s understandable I guess - we all have different priorities in life. but is it possible to get people to care more? if so, how so?

Edited July 5, 2018 by lastdraw

[randomperson]

On 7/5/2018 at 8:49 PM, lastdraw said:

this guy in the same office as me annoys me every time I bump into him in the toilet. after he washes his hands, he would pull over ten pieces of napkins to dry his only two wet hands, im not even kidding. he would first grab about five pieces, wipe his hands on those napkins very superficially and pathetically, throw those almost dry and clean napkins into the bin (without even crushing them too), grab another five, wipe and throw, then grab again. 

 

this irks me soooo much, yet every time I end up not confronting him about how environmentally unfriendly it is. i mean, it might be his habit and technically I have no right in dictating how he should lead his life? you might say i should have tried talking to him nevertheless... but I always thought i could be my own self lead my own life my own way with my own opinions however I like, but not interfere others who might not even think anything would be any issue. 

 

sometimes I care too much about some stuff, which people may find the least important and the most trivial. that’s understandable I guess - we all have different priorities in life. but is it possible to get people to care more? if so, how so?

S

Edited May 1, 2020 by randomperson

[Sh3rlock]

3 hours ago, lastdraw said:

this guy in the same office as me annoys me every time I bump into him in the toilet. after he washes his hands, he would pull over ten pieces of napkins to dry his only two wet hands, im not even kidding. he would first grab about five pieces, wipe his hands on those napkins very superficially and pathetically, throw those almost dry and clean napkins into the bin (without even crushing them too), grab another five, wipe and throw, then grab again. 

 

this irks me soooo much, yet every time I end up not confronting him about how environmentally unfriendly it is. i mean, it might be his habit and technically I have no right in dictating how he should lead his life? you might say i should have tried talking to him nevertheless... but I always thought i could be my own self lead my own life my own way with my own opinions however I like, but not interfere others who might not even think anything would be any issue. 

 

sometimes I care too much about some stuff, which people may find the least important and the most trivial. that’s understandable I guess - we all have different priorities in life. but is it possible to get people to care more? if so, how so?

Aaah, your frustration resonates with mine. You seem to suffer the same non-confrontational affliction as me. Although agreeing with @randomperson only advice I have is to not sweat the small stuff. Let it go, it’s not worth it.  I find solace in knowing that ultimately there is karma or a judgement day, lol

Ours is not to wonder why, ours is but to stay and Braai ( South African word for BBQ that rhymes with Why)

Edited July 5, 2018 by Sh3rlock

[kimlo777]

On 7/2/2018 at 4:17 PM, kimlo777 said:

Sitting forlornly, all by myself

Just minding my own business

Deep in distant thoughts

Feeling sad, feeling all alone.

 

When out of the corner of my eyes

You caught my attention

Such a handsome face

Such perfection, even God would be amazed!

 

Drawn away from my own thoughts

My gaze now turns to your face

My heart throbs with excitement

That very moment when our eyes did meet.

I shifted nervously in my seat

You looked me in the eye

I looked back

I was mesmerised by the sparkle in your eyes

 

Once again, our eyes met

This time, our gazes lingered on

Your sparkle met the twinkle of my own eyes

You gave me that knowing smile

 

I was hesitant - should I smile back

Then I threw all caution to the wind

I smiled back while smacking my upper lip

with the tip of my tongue

 

You stared into my eyes intently

I looked back at you

As my head slowly turned towards the exit

You gave me a nod

 

The announcement came on

The train was moving into Bishan station

I stood up, getting ready to make my exit

You followed suit.

[Sh3rlock]

Peering out across the vast fields of the African farm with the remnant stubble of the maize harvest bathed in the soft light of the approaching winter sunset, and having just written to a friend that my black dog appears to have left me temporarily, I started pondering the nature of black dog owners.

 

If my memory serves me well, it was Churchill who first described his melancholia as his black dog.  I was a young adult when I first met my black dog and he has been a trusty companion all of my life since, returning at intervals to be dealt with; his incessant barking heralding the onset of despair I have mentioned before in this thread.

 

In order to qualify to own a black dog, one needs to have certain attributes. A black dog owner tends to be intelligent, introspective, be his own man, and knows his demons - and his black dog. Having learnt to deal with his black dog, he is also resilient and has an almost unwavering positive outlook on life. In short, black dog owners tend to be individuals with high EQ.

 

Black dog dog owners are not alone. They belong to an illustrious club including such individuals as Spike Milligan, Peter Sellars, the entire Monty Python gang, especially Michael Palin, Stephen Fry, Hemingway and of course, Winston Churchill, to name a few.

 

The surest way I recognise that my black dog has abated is a return of my creativity, my sense of humour, and the way the sun seems to shine just a little brighter.

 

Maybe that is why I am such a Snoopy fan...

 

May all our black dogs one day be our Snoopy’s, Pluto’s and Scooby Doo’s....

[Sh3rlock]

Introduction:

Over the past 7 weeks, a series of thoughts have been crystalising in my consciousness, influenced by the intensity of my experiences, interaction with amazing guys I was fortunate to meet, and, I suppose, years of reading and questioning everything around me. Not to mention the stimulation of this thread on BW! I will aim to put these thoughts in some understandable sequence in 3 parts. As they are largely a synthesis of western and eastern ideas, I would really appreciate any criticism comment and dissection of the ideas. I am but a novice...I have no problem if you wish to point out that I am on the wrong path in my thinking and and educate me further. I am the first to acknowledge that I can sometimes be a complete idiot...

 

 

Part 1: Predestination 

Two paths diverged in the woods

...and I chose the one less traveled by.

 

This poem has been one of the dictums in my life whenever I made what I felt to be important life decisions. Admittedly, I always thought that I was exerting my own free will when making such considered decisions. 

 

Having lived in Asia for 11 years now and having been exposed to vatious Asian concepts of life and the hereafter, I have increasingly  come to question my ability to influence substantially the course of my life. the initial important choice, and all the subsequent ones, seem to be inextricably linked. 

 

Yes, different choices would have had different consequences, but somehow the consequences appear to to all converge on the same next choice.

 

What appeared initially to be a most unsettling notion i.e. the loss of free will and choice in exchange for acceptance of a predestined outcome to my life, has become a strangely comforting one. It is comforting to know that a larger force is in control and that ultimately it is my main purpose to ensure I live life such that my potential to fulfill my heart’s capacity to give love and kindness is reached.

 

As I sip the aromatic blend of Guatemalan and Ethiopian coffee with its feint Apple acidity in what has not only become my favourite coffee place, but also my favourite writing place, I observe my fellow patrons, all engaged in their own thoughts and electronic devices, and ponder the impact of the predestination of my life on my relationships. 

 

Is it not an outflow of this predestination idea that all the people that come into my life is there for a reason? To learn from, to teach, to share, to love...?

Edited August 9, 2018 by Sh3rlock

[Sh3rlock]

Part 2: Predestination and Relationships

If the purpose of my life is spreading love and kindness, I should also not limit the ability of others to do so.

 

In the context of a relationship, I am feeling that my path is set and I must follow it believing that whatever the end, it will be justified. To deny others the pleasure of their path is not justified.

 

I would therefore never seek or expect the pleasure someone brings to me to be denied to others. The pleasures and mutual feelings I share with another, can not be denied or diminished by any pleasure or feeling he shares with others, as long as those are true.

 

 

[Sh3rlock]

Part 3: Predestination and Reincarnation 

This is virgin territory for me...

 

As an individual who grew up as a Protestant Christian, I have always been a firm believer in one life followed by Eternity, where ever that may be. This concept has become increasingly questioned by me as I have listened and learned from Asian friends with different beliefs.

 

As I am but a fallible human being, the concept of repeated lives where I can to some extent address the failings of past lives, is therefore an attractive one. It would mean that I should really endeavour to remember the past lives in some way or another, or have a way of learning from them, in order not to have a cycle of repeated mistakes.

 

This topic is one I am not at all familiar with. I am merely venturing into it here in this thread to stimulate as much teaching and learning from fellow BW’ers as possible. thanks again for bearing with me . Any pointers to good relevant reading material and/or advice/thoughts will be greatly appreciated.

Edited August 9, 2018 by Sh3rlock

[fab]

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reincarnation

 

[Sh3rlock]

1 minute ago, fab said:

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reincarnation

 

Thank you @fab. I suppose that is the logical place to start, lol. Much appreciated. I have also read some of your previous postings on this and Buddhism and learned much. 

[Spaceboy72]

Demons

 

someone reminded me of the entity, metaphorical word demon. my mind subconsciously interpreted it onto faces of people, on moments of ugly incident, but worst of all, on my deepest, darkest secrets that bored deep inside me, unabated. I can imagine the real demon awaited gleefully, eager to claim my tainted soul at any chance to drag me to eternal damnation. There is no good ending. 

 

On a lighter note, Imagine Dragons' Demons strikes our minds like lightning at the same time.

 

Then within the whirlpool of emotions I am constantly experiencing, I was hit with kindness again. This time kindness came in the form of an angelic warrior, fighting his own demons but saving the lost souls from the pit of damnation. How lucky I am, to be saved twice. But he has a long battle inside his own Jupiter. 

 

I will try my best to help, but can't guarantee my own safety: I have my own demons to stand up against.

 

I was a happy kid, gay and innocent. Life changed me and somehow I tried to hold on to that happiness by ridding myself from pain and suffering but the more I push, the more heartaches find me. I am out to the family, wanted happiness and ignored the Chinese taboo, braved the consequences and faced devastation alone. I am still hopeful, or maybe just mere desperation and silly stupidity, that the future is not doomed. Just need a little love, kindness and some assertion to fight for what we believed in. It's easy to give up, choose not to.

 

Stick around for the silver lining. 

 

 

Edited August 9, 2018 by Spaceboy72

[fab]

1 hour ago, Sh3rlock said:

Thank you @fab. I suppose that is the logical place to start, lol. Much appreciated. I have also read some of your previous postings on this and Buddhism and learned much. 

 

A pleasure and an honour.

 

Hope u r able to discover your purpose in life. 

[Guest lastdraw]

im here at a bus stop by my alma-mater to meet a seller from Carousell. as I was crossing the bridge to get to the bus stop, i took notice of a smartly dressed chap looking at his phone by the railing. before i walked past him, he looked up from his phone and we exchanged eye contact. its a Friday evening, he could be waiting for a date. this date could jolly well be my junior from school.

 

i reached the bus stop when the seller messaged me and told me he would be slightly late due to the rain and a jam on the road. i found a discreet corner by the bridge to wait, overlooking the bus stop.

 

this bus stop, the bus stop at this place that i haven’t visited for a long time.

the place that created six years of beautiful memories.

 

i see the smartly dressed chap.

he’s not alone anymore, beside him is a guy - as tall as him, as smartly dressed, as young.

they look like they are really good friends, chatting and laughing while walking towards the bus stop.

 

maybe they’re a couple. a lovely couple strolling to the bus stop so they could head to their next destination on this rainy Friday evening.

maybe for a movie, maybe for a meal.

it’s that same bus stop, where i met my first date. he was 14 then, and I was 13.

he might be my senior for the next six years in school, but he was my memorable date that evening.

as cars drove on the wet road beside me, i suddenly got reminded that was a rainy evening too. a rainy Friday evening.

 

subsequently I began to date countless of guys in my school uniform.

i forgot the number of guys, and the faces to these guys whom I knew during those six years. 

my last date, and boyfriend, left me shortly after I graduated from school, right before I started to serve the army.

 

it’s been close to another six years since I left school, and ironically my date count for these six years was zero.

maybe i’m grown up now, maybe i’m more skeptical, maybe i’m more realistic, maybe i’m more delusive.

or maybe i’m stuck in the first six years, stuck in the beautiful memory of that rainy Friday evening.

 

‘’hi, did you buy something from me on Carousell?”

“oh hi.”

Edited September 8, 2018 by lastdraw

[gsky]

pretty good english, like it 

 

like the flow

[Guest reader]

On 9/7/2018 at 7:35 PM, lastdraw said:

im here at a bus stop by my alma-mater to meet a seller from Carousell. as I was crossing the bridge to get to the bus stop, i took notice of a smartly dressed chap looking at his phone by the railing. before i walked past him, he looked up from his phone and we exchanged eye contact. its a Friday evening, he could be waiting for a date. this date could jolly well be my junior from school.

 

i reached the bus stop when the seller messaged me and told me he would be slightly late due to the rain and a jam on the road. i found a discreet corner by the bridge to wait, overlooking the bus stop.

 

this bus stop, the bus stop in this place that i haven’t visited for a long time.

the place that created six years of beautiful memories.

 

i see the smartly dressed chap.

he’s not alone anymore, beside him is a guy - as tall as him, as smartly dressed, as young.

they look like they are really good friends, chatting and laughing while walking towards the bus stop.

 

maybe they’re a couple. a lovely couple strolling to the bus stop so they could head to their next destination on this rainy Friday evening.

maybe for a movie, maybe for a meal.

it’s that same bus stop, where i met my first date. he was 14 then, and I was 13.

he might be my senior for the next six years in school, but he was my memorable date that evening.

as cars drove on the wet road beside me, i suddenly got reminded that was a rainy evening too. a rainy Friday evening.

 

subsequently I began to date countless of guys in my school uniform.

i forgot the number of guys, and the faces to these guys whom I knew during those six years. 

my last date, and boyfriend, left me shortly after I graduated from school, right before I started to serve the army.

 

it’s been close to another six years since I left school, and ironically my date count for these six years was zero.

maybe i’m grown up now, maybe i’m more skeptical, maybe i’m more realistic, maybe i’m more delusive.

or maybe i’m stuck in the first six years, stuck in the beautiful memory of that rainy Friday evening.

 

‘’hi, did you buy something from me on Carousell?”

“oh hi.”

 

wow i love this, a really sentimental and reflective piece. 

 

really like your writing. please write more. 

 

 

[Kkklaus]

I don't know what it is like to love someone who the world tells me I am not suppose to love. I can't imagine how hard it must be to love someone I am afraid to kiss on the street.

 

But I do know what it is like to love someone who I cannot be with. I know how it feels to have my brain tell me one thing, and my heart another. I know how hard it is to have to love someone in secret. To live with the knowledge that if circumstances had been different, I would be with the one I love.

 

I do know there are all kinds of barriers to love. I do believe the world needs less of them.

 

-Lang Leav

[riverrobles]

What a treasure throve of posts  , @lastdraw thanks for starting this thread! 

[sticka]

Edited October 5, 2018 by sticka

[Guest hey]

On 9/7/2018 at 7:35 PM, lastdraw said:

im here at a bus stop by my alma-mater to meet a seller from Carousell. as I was crossing the bridge to get to the bus stop, i took notice of a smartly dressed chap looking at his phone by the railing. before i walked past him, he looked up from his phone and we exchanged eye contact. its a Friday evening, he could be waiting for a date. this date could jolly well be my junior from school.

 

i reached the bus stop when the seller messaged me and told me he would be slightly late due to the rain and a jam on the road. i found a discreet corner by the bridge to wait, overlooking the bus stop.

 

this bus stop, the bus stop at this place that i haven’t visited for a long time.

the place that created six years of beautiful memories.

 

i see the smartly dressed chap.

he’s not alone anymore, beside him is a guy - as tall as him, as smartly dressed, as young.

they look like they are really good friends, chatting and laughing while walking towards the bus stop.

 

maybe they’re a couple. a lovely couple strolling to the bus stop so they could head to their next destination on this rainy Friday evening.

maybe for a movie, maybe for a meal.

it’s that same bus stop, where i met my first date. he was 14 then, and I was 13.

he might be my senior for the next six years in school, but he was my memorable date that evening.

as cars drove on the wet road beside me, i suddenly got reminded that was a rainy evening too. a rainy Friday evening.

 

subsequently I began to date countless of guys in my school uniform.

i forgot the number of guys, and the faces to these guys whom I knew during those six years. 

my last date, and boyfriend, left me shortly after I graduated from school, right before I started to serve the army.

 

it’s been close to another six years since I left school, and ironically my date count for these six years was zero.

maybe i’m grown up now, maybe i’m more skeptical, maybe i’m more realistic, maybe i’m more delusive.

or maybe i’m stuck in the first six years, stuck in the beautiful memory of that rainy Friday evening.

 

‘’hi, did you buy something from me on Carousell?”

“oh hi.”

 

wonder what happened to you and your first that made it so memorable? 

and what happened to you the past six years? 

 

awesome writing mate! 

[Guest hellohi]

On 9/7/2018 at 7:35 PM, lastdraw said:

im here at a bus stop by my alma-mater to meet a seller from Carousell. as I was crossing the bridge to get to the bus stop, i took notice of a smartly dressed chap looking at his phone by the railing. before i walked past him, he looked up from his phone and we exchanged eye contact. its a Friday evening, he could be waiting for a date. this date could jolly well be my junior from school.

 

i reached the bus stop when the seller messaged me and told me he would be slightly late due to the rain and a jam on the road. i found a discreet corner by the bridge to wait, overlooking the bus stop.

 

this bus stop, the bus stop at this place that i haven’t visited for a long time.

the place that created six years of beautiful memories.

 

i see the smartly dressed chap.

he’s not alone anymore, beside him is a guy - as tall as him, as smartly dressed, as young.

they look like they are really good friends, chatting and laughing while walking towards the bus stop.

 

maybe they’re a couple. a lovely couple strolling to the bus stop so they could head to their next destination on this rainy Friday evening.

maybe for a movie, maybe for a meal.

it’s that same bus stop, where i met my first date. he was 14 then, and I was 13.

he might be my senior for the next six years in school, but he was my memorable date that evening.

as cars drove on the wet road beside me, i suddenly got reminded that was a rainy evening too. a rainy Friday evening.

 

subsequently I began to date countless of guys in my school uniform.

i forgot the number of guys, and the faces to these guys whom I knew during those six years. 

my last date, and boyfriend, left me shortly after I graduated from school, right before I started to serve the army.

 

it’s been close to another six years since I left school, and ironically my date count for these six years was zero.

maybe i’m grown up now, maybe i’m more skeptical, maybe i’m more realistic, maybe i’m more delusive.

or maybe i’m stuck in the first six years, stuck in the beautiful memory of that rainy Friday evening.

 

‘’hi, did you buy something from me on Carousell?”

“oh hi.”

 

i like this too. keep up e good work