So i broke up with the love of my life..

[Guest BrokenHearted]

Just broke up with my bf of 1 year today.. We both love each other very much, but neither side could give in.

 

Met my partner through an app. He was my very first. We started out texting, got along really well, and decided to meet up. It was love at first sight. Maybe I was too naive.

 

We spend almost every single day together and enjoyed each others' company very much. We were both very happy and contented. Everything was well, and I truly believed I've found someone I can spend the rest of my life with.

 

Fast forward one year, we've had a few small arguments in between, but its normal in any relationship, right? And it always gets resolved very quickly.

 

I was someone who was willing to give everything up for him, literally. And I'd hope he feels the same.

 

We were suppose to spend time together as usual, but he then decided to plan something else with his friends and told me we couldn't spend time together on one of the days. I was really unhappy about it, but nothing was done, just some silent treatment.

 

The next day, I confronted him about the issue, and althought overly dramatic, decided to give him an ultimatum. The choice should've been obvious. A partner who you will spend the rest of your life with? Or friends that you will one day drift further away from, because they too will find their own love, start their own families, and have new priorities in life?

 

The answers he gave? He picked his female best friends that he had known since his schooling days in Ngee Ann Poly. He want friends, he want family and relatives, he want personal space. All of which does not includes me. Everything fell apart from there.

 

Call me clingy or possessive, it doesn't matter. There are people in this world who would prioritize their lover over everything else.. and then there are people who don't. I know it's not an issue of right or wrong, but merely a matter of what each of us considers more important in their own life. I thought I was important enough for him to pick me over everything else. I had simply misjudged and ended up heartbroken.

 

What about you guys? Do you want a partner who can give everything up for you? Can you give everything up for the one you love most?

 

 

Or I watch too much drama and ended up having the wrong concept in my head? Feel free to comment..

 

 

[doncoin]

Nope. I never want my partner to give up everything for me. He has worked hard for the things in his life. They range from friends, to co-workers, to clothes on his back, car etc. It is his, and I respect them, and him. The last thing I need is for him to give up everything that he has worked for, for me and become resentful towards me later. That to me is the worst.

 

If he gives up something, or someone in his life, it should be his decision alone. Not yours to push or emotionally blackmail. Accept that he is his own person. As part of a relationship, you are just one half of the equation. Not whole. 

 

 

[cycle25]

Eh. I agree with Doncoin. I believe that a healthy relationship should have a mix of both time spent with your significant other and other groups of friends. Saying this even as I'm introverted myself. It's important that your partner be significant in your life but not the only relationship that you have nor he is allowed to have. Friends will come and go, yes, so we should spend what time we can with them shouldn't we? After all, if a relationship is meant to last you'd have your partner with you for many many years.

 

Hopefully you'll have some time to cool off and see what you really want. Some times having time apart helps - hence the saying that separation makes the heart grow fonder.

[Guest BrokenHearted]

10 minutes ago, doncoin said:

Nope. I never want my partner to give up everything for me. He has worked hard for the things in his life. They range from friends, to co-workers, to clothes on his back, car etc. It is his, and I respect them, and him. The last thing I need is for him to give up everything that he has worked for, for me and become resentful towards me later. That to me is the worst.

 

If he gives up something, or someone in his life, it should be his decision alone. Not yours to push or emotionally blackmail. Accept that he is his own person. As part of a relationship, you are just one half of the equation. Not whole. 

 

 

 

And if one day he have to choose, and he chose something else over you, the friend, the co-worker, his material possession. You would accept his decision? And still be happy? After knowing that he sees so many other stuff as more important than you?

[doncoin]

Just now, Guest BrokenHearted said:

 

And if one day he have to choose, and he chose something else over you, the friend, the co-worker, his material possession. You would accept his decision? And still be happy? After knowing that he sees so many other stuff as more important than you?

 

Well, of course it will hurt, and I will tell him how I feel about it. The key is to communicate that feeling of hurt versus cornering him into a decision of them or me. 

 

I will accept his decision, if after communicating how I feel, he still makes the choice of his friends etc. over me. However, I will also set some ground rules if they are that important to him. I.e. After spending time with his friends, he will spend time with me; or invite me along so that his friends can know me and vice versa. Sulking and giving silent treatment isn't really going to bring the 2 of you closer. 

[Guest BrokenHearted]

4 minutes ago, cycle25 said:

Eh. I agree with Doncoin. I believe that a healthy relationship should have a mix of both time spent with your significant other and other groups of friends. Saying this even as I'm introverted myself. It's important that your partner be significant in your life but not the only relationship that you have nor he is allowed to have. Friends will come and go, yes, so we should spend what time we can with them shouldn't we? After all, if a relationship is meant to last you'd have your partner with you for many many years.

 

Hopefully you'll have some time to cool off and see what you really want. Some times having time apart helps - hence the saying that separation makes the heart grow fonder.

 

Appreciate the advice. And that saying.. I like it very much. Thanks a lot.

[Guest BrokenHearted]

1 minute ago, doncoin said:

 

Well, of course it will hurt, and I will tell him how I feel about it. The key is to communicate that feeling of hurt versus cornering him into a decision of them or me. 

 

I will accept his decision, if after communicating how I feel, he still makes the choice of his friends etc. over me. However, I will also set some ground rules if they are that important to him. I.e. After spending time with his friends, he will spend time with me; or invite me along so that his friends can know me and vice versa. Sulking and giving silent treatment isn't really going to bring the 2 of you closer. 

 

Yea.. If I'd been able to think like you, and thought things through calmly and rationally before acting out, the disaster might have been prevented. But it seems too late now. Both side had made the decision to end the relationship already.. Still, thanks for the advice, it'll be useful for me in the future. If ever I get to recover from this heartbreak.

[Ironrod]

52 minutes ago, Guest BrokenHearted said:

There are people in this world who would prioritize their lover over everything else.. and then there are people who don't. I know it's not an issue of right or wrong, but merely a matter of what each of us considers more important in their own life. I thought I was important enough for him to pick me over everything else. I had simply misjudged and ended up heartbroken.

 

You prioritize your lover over everything else, so you got heartbroken. What does that teach u?

[Guest BrokenHearted]

4 minutes ago, Ironrod said:

 

You prioritize your lover over everything else, so you got heartbroken. What does that teach u?

 

That I should not prioritize my lover over everything else? Or that I should look for someone who thinks like me next time, so that we're both each other's top priority?

 

I'm quite unsure, but the second option still feels closer to me..

 

Thanks for the question tho. Made me pondered what had I learned from this experience.

[Ben Ben Ben]

Now I learn to compromise 

 

friends families work personal space health and me. All can be both inclusive and exclusive depending how you see it! So compromise if you love him. If you can’t compromise, this shows you don’t love Him enough. 

[Marineboy]

56 minutes ago, Guest BrokenHearted said:

 

Yea.. If I'd been able to think like you, and thought things through calmly and rationally before acting out, the disaster might have been prevented. But it seems too late now. Both side had made the decision to end the relationship already.. Still, thanks for the advice, it'll be useful for me in the future. If ever I get to recover from this heartbreak.

 

Its not too late....when you both cooled off....perhaps a sincere apology for being silly and ask if there could be a second chance together since you seem to get along fine before all this.

Don't expect anything and its just your hope that you could be forgiven and that you both must indeed talk things out whenever anyone of you is not happy with anything that concerns  the both of you. This was how my bf and i started out  and agreed to let go steam so hear each other out...

Indeed there were a couple of times and it really works so we agree to resolve things as we went along.

 

It's also very healthy to take a break from each other from time to time...you both are free to go out with non common frens from time to time.

Do'nt be clingy but do update each other when there is a need to be out with others who are not common frens..

 

I wish you both a healthy cooling off and all the best for the future.

 

 

 

 

[Guest Fatty]

Your pride vs this relationship. Which is more important to you?

 

 

[koganei83]

erm... 

 

it is creepy to spend entire time with just a single person and it is not healthy 

[Guest Worrying]

2 hours ago, Guest BrokenHearted said:

The next day, I confronted him about the issue, and althought overly dramatic, decided to give him an ultimatum. The choice should've been obvious. A partner who you will spend the rest of your life with? Or friends that you will one day drift further away from,..

 

With this type of possessive attitude, if your bf didn't broke off with you, I will be worried.

[fab]

If he's spending time with his family and friends, he can always include u. 

 

Sounds like he's fucking behind your back. No pun intended.

Edited February 3, 2020 by fab

[Guest BrokenHearted]

24 minutes ago, Ben Ben Ben said:

Now I learn to compromise 

 

friends families work personal space health and me. All can be both inclusive and exclusive depending how you see it! So compromise if you love him. If you can’t compromise, this shows you don’t love Him enough. 

 

Of course I love him. More than anything else in this world. But why I compromise and not him? Of course he gets to meet his friends and spend time with his family. I'm no beast tamer. I didnt lock him up in a cage or anything.

 

Its just that i want him to spend more time with me too. My stand is that if both me and his friends asked to meet him on the same day, then he should know which one is more important. He spend the previous 20 over years of his life with his friends and family already, no? Shouldn't he spend more time with me now that we are at the stage of developing our relationship?

 

Like what Doncoin said, there is no point in forcing the response i want out of my partner. If he had placed me of high importance, he would've picked me regardless. The fact that he didn't proves something too, doesn't it?

[doncoin]

5 minutes ago, Guest Limousine said:

In sg , no such thing as gay relationship that will last until you die ... somehow or rather things will fall apart as you age .. due to all sorts of problems in life . It’s better to love yourself more than love anyone apart from your family .. that way you will be more happy than being in relationship.. 

 

Relationships do not discriminate sexual orientation. If both parties want it to last, and work through the good and bad times, it will last. So by saying that there is no such thing, you are already self-fulling the prophecy. Even when you are in a relationship, are you already planning on the next boyfriend?

[Guest BrokenHearted]

22 minutes ago, Marineboy said:

 

Its not too late....when you both cooled off....perhaps a sincere apology for being silly and ask if there could be a second chance together since you seem to get along fine before all this.

Don't expect anything and its just your hope that you could be forgiven and that you both must indeed talk things out whenever anyone of you is not happy with anything that concerns  the both of you. This was how my bf and i started out  and agreed to let go steam so hear each other out...

Indeed there were a couple of times and it really works so we agree to resolve things as we went along.

 

It's also very healthy to take a break from each other from time to time...you both are free to go out with non common frens from time to time.

Do'nt be clingy but do update each other when there is a need to be out with others who are not common frens..

 

I wish you both a healthy cooling off and all the best for the future.

 

 

We tried talking things out but couldn't come to an compromise. Maybe because we were both too agitated at that point in time and didn't want to change our stand.

 

 

23 minutes ago, Guest Fatty said:

Your pride vs this relationship. Which is more important to you?

 

 

 

Of course the relationship is more important. But does he feels the same way?

 

 

22 minutes ago, koganei83 said:

erm... 

 

it is creepy to spend entire time with just a single person and it is not healthy 

 

I'm sure we've seen fine examples of couples who love each other very much and want to spend a lot of time doing stuff together. I don't think there's anything wrong with that. But that's just my opinion, just like how u think it's creepy. If both party is happy, i dont think there is anything unhealthy about it? I personally find Happiness to be a pretty good indicator.

 

 

22 minutes ago, Guest Worrying said:

With this type of possessive attitude, if your bf didn't broke off with you, I will be worried.

 

And if i had a completely nonchalant attitude towards him, things would not have turned out differently. Like me, you can't decide for everyone in this world what they want too.

 

 

25 minutes ago, fab said:

If he's spending time with his family and friends, he can always include u. 

 

Sounds like he fucking behind your back. No pun intended.

 

Haha, that's a good try. But I believe he is not that kind of person.

 

[Guest BrokenHearted]

10 minutes ago, Guest Limousine said:

In sg , no such thing as gay relationship that will last until you die ... somehow or rather things will fall apart as you age .. due to all sorts of problems in life . It’s better to love yourself more than love anyone apart from your family .. that way you will be more happy than being in relationship.. 

 

I love myself, but i want someone to love too. Me and him, we treat each other like family, like husband and wife. But now like divorced couple.

[Ben Ben Ben]

33 minutes ago, Guest BrokenHearted said:

 

Of course I love him. More than anything else in this world. But why I compromise and not him? Of course he gets to meet his friends and spend time with his family. I'm no beast tamer. I didnt lock him up in a cage or anything.

 

Its just that i want him to spend more time with me too. My stand is that if both me and his friends asked to meet him on the same day, then he should know which one is more important. He spend the previous 20 over years of his life with his friends and family already, no? Shouldn't he spend more time with me now that we are at the stage of developing our relationship?

 

Like what Doncoin said, there is no point in forcing the response i want out of my partner. If he had placed me of high importance, he would've picked me regardless. The fact that he didn't proves something too, doesn't it?

Conversely, if he don’t compromise, this means he doesn’t love you enough 

[Ben Ben Ben]

Similarly, A loves B but B loves his friends more. How? 

[Guest BrokenHearted]

24 minutes ago, Ben Ben Ben said:

Conversely, if he don’t compromise, this means he doesn’t love you enough 

 

I would say he love me quite alot. Judging from the way he looked all red-eyed when he came down to pass me the stuff I left at his house. I quickly took the stuff from his hands without looking at him and walked away.

 

I could already feel tears welling up in my eyes, and if i had hesitated and took a second look at him, i would've really cried in public. And because of that missed my last chance to take a good look at the face of the person i loved most.

 

As i turned and walked away.. I could faintly hear his quivering voice, telling me to take care.

 

If anyone had a took a video or picture of that scene, I'd say it would look pretty much like the raining rooftop scene in 我的少女時代.. except the fact that i didn't fall down, of course.

[ivanl]

1 hour ago, Guest BrokenHearted said:

 My stand is that if both me and his friends asked to meet him on the same day, then he should know which one is more important. 

Different things are important at different times in someone's life. Most of the time, if you really love each other and don't take each other for granted, your s/o will pick you. If it is urgent and you tell your s/o he NEEDS to be there, they will certainly pick you (if they don't then either something is wrong on their side or you cried wolf too much). But sometimes, when it's a friend they really want to be with at that moment, or maybe even if the friend asked to meet first and they already committed, they will pick their friends. And that's ok. (To be very fair, if you want your s/o to pick you every single time, that's ok too. But good luck finding someone who will be willing to do that.)

Don't mix the important and the urgent. Just because you are the most important thing in your s/o's life does not mean you are always the most urgent thing. Who knows? Maybe your s/o needs their own space as well and this is their way of unwinding.

Being in a relationship is like a Venn diagram. There is you, there is them, and there is the relationship (the middle bit). It only becomes a problem if you cannot agree on how large you want the overlap. I don't want my partner to give up everything for me. I also don't want to give up everything for my partner. There are many things to help us feel fulfilled and satisfied - friends, family, sports, recreation, work, love, time alone... some people can do with only one. Some need a bit of everything. If you ask me, my personal feeling is you are demanding too much. Only dogs come every time they are called.

 

But hey, you do you. Only you will know what you need. If this is what you need, then stick with it.

 

Just remember, it is also possible that you don't love your love of your life enough to give them the space they need.

Edited July 11, 2018 by ivanl

[Guest BrokenHearted]

23 minutes ago, ivanl said:

Different things are important at different times in someone's life. Most of the time, if you really love each other and don't take each other for granted, your s/o will pick you. If it is urgent and you tell your s/o he NEEDS to be there, they will certainly pick you (if they don't then either something is wrong on their side or you cried wolf too much). But sometimes, when it's a friend they really want to be with at that moment, or maybe even if the friend asked to meet first and they already committed, they will pick their friends. And that's ok. (To be very fair, if you want your s/o to pick you every single time, that's ok too. But good luck finding someone who will be willing to do that.)

Don't mix the important and the urgent. Just because you are the most important thing in your s/o's life does not mean you are always the most urgent thing. Who knows? Maybe your s/o needs their own space as well and this is their way of unwinding.

Being in a relationship is like a Venn diagram. There is you, there is them, and there is the relationship (the middle bit). It only becomes a problem if you cannot agree on how large you want the overlap. I don't want my partner to give up everything for me. I also don't want to give up everything for my partner. There are many things to help us feel fulfilled and satisfied - friends, family, sports, recreation, work, love, time alone... some people can do with only one. Some need a bit of everything. If you ask me, my personal feeling is you are demanding too much. Only dogs come every time they are called.

 

But hey, you do you. Only you will know what you need. If this is what you need, then stick with it.

 

Great advice. Thanks.

 

But if anyone is like a dog, it's me. I'm willing to drop everything and go to him if he asks. Within reasonable means, of course.

 

Maybe you're right, I might have been expecting too much from him. Or maybe i'm giving too much, and expects the same in return. But I know some things in life aren't meant to be perfectly fair, even, and balanced.

 

I'm not completely unreasonable though, if it's really urgent, I definitely would not mind. But he's just meeting those friends for entertainment..

 

He go out with his friends then what about me? Never plan with me 1st, then I sit at home and watch TV? At least plan something out with me then we can both go have our separate activities. Not ownself go plan with his friends 1st and confirmed already then tell me mah.

 

Then people angry already ask him his friend more important or me, still give wrong answer. Lagi jialat sia this guy.

 

[Guest Saggitaurus]

I hope he's not a saggitaurus

[camper]

You said it yourself, in the end, it will just be you and him. Why not let him have his life,  and you yours, when at the end of the day it's still gonna be the two of you? Him choosing his friends over you for that one day tells me more about you than about him. Because to him it might never have been abt choosing one above the other until you gave him the ultimatum. 

 

This was a one year relationship that could have gone longer if you had asked yourself was it worth it to fight about losing him a day  and risk losing him for a lifetime? 

 

It's also worth asking and confronting your own reasons for wanting to give him the ultimatum. Was it your fear of losing him, envy born out of your own lack of friends, frustration over unmet expectations that's unfair, loving him base on reciprocity that's unspoken, or just fomo? Some behaviours are toxic in relationships and would just prevent you from having fulfilling relationships in the future. 

Edited July 11, 2018 by camper

[Guest Guest]

Such wise words of advice for relationships.

[Guest BrokenHearted]

7 hours ago, Guest Saggitaurus said:

I hope he's not a saggitaurus

 

No, he's not. Is saggitaurus more likely to choose a friend over a lover?

 

6 hours ago, camper said:

You said it yourself, in the end, it will just be you and him. Why not let him have his life,  and you yours, when at the end of the day it's still gonna be the two of you? Him choosing his friends over you for that one day tells me more about you than about him. Because to him it might never have been abt choosing one above the other until you gave him the ultimatum

 

 

He live his own life and I live mine.. Like now? After we've broken up? I don't want us to always live each of our own separate lives. I want the two of us to share a life together. Isn't that why people call their partner their "other half" or "soulmate"?

 

The ultimatum only determines what will happen after the choice is made. It does not determines how the choice is made, right?

 

 

6 hours ago, camper said:

This was a one year relationship that could have gone longer if you had asked yourself was it worth it to fight about losing him a day  and risk losing him for a lifetime?  

 

Of course it's not worth losing him for a lifetime. Nothing's worth that. If I had the chance to redo this situation. There's no doubt I would have done it a lot more differently, maybe like how Doncoin said he would. To express that feeling of hurt in a way that would not end up destroying the relationship, to try and work something out with him.

 

As humans, there are certainly times when we are more emotional than logical. And when like that, we tends to fuck things up rather than resolve it.. Let's just take it that I didn't have enough experience to handle this situation adequately.

 

6 hours ago, camper said:

It's also worth asking and confronting your own reasons for wanting to give him the ultimatum. Was it your fear of losing him, envy born out of your own lack of friends, frustration over unmet expectations that's unfair, loving him base on reciprocity that's unspoken, or just fomo? Some behaviours are toxic in relationships and would just prevent you from having fulfilling relationships in the future.  

 

The reason is simple. If given the same choices as him, I would pick him every single time. And I'm not just all talk and no action. There had been numerous times when I had to reject my own friends when they asked me out, just so I could spend my time with him. And yet when he was given those very same choices, his answer disappoints.

[Guest BrokenHearted]

28 minutes ago, Guest BrokenHearted said:

The reason is simple. If given the same choices as him, I would pick him every single time. 

 

And definitely not because he forces me to, but simply because I know what's most important to me.

[Ben Ben Ben]

Maybe try other guy then you know how good or how bad your current bf is!

 

Maybe his leaving from your life teaches you how important he is!

 

only when you lose it then you know how much you love him!

 

[tomcat]

why place such high expectations on someone? the fact is that even if they decide to leave one day or stop feeling the way they do about you, that is something you have to accept because people are people.

the main toxic self-hurting behaviour is that you have done things "for him" to prove your loyalty to him, hoping to be reciprocated. is it really his fault that you decided to do this at all? all it is, is a kind of game you are playing to earn loyalty points. that is never the basis of a healthy relationship. and besides, it is unnecessary to be become a martyr for anyone in a relationship, it is dangerous and often heartbreaking.

 

that is not to say, to be selfish and an asshole, but whatever needs or changes must be communicated with and talked about openly. another toxic behaviour is the use of ultimatums which is a sign of immaturity. it is basically an adult tantrum, an inability to process and adapt. you either take it or leave it, which reveals  that there might be a darkness in you that can make you a very cruel person. an ultimatum is basically emotional hijacking, only toxic people use it to gain leverage. 

 

from the sounds of it, a long term or lifelong relationship is something that you value deeply. realistically, any relationship that spans 10, 20, 30 years will go through many adversities, twists and turns, changes of heart, changes of plan. the test of how much you love this individual is won by sticking it through, talking about it, always listening, and clarifying within yourself with a lot of self-reflection why you feel certain things, and whether those feelings are even warranted or necessary.

if you really do have issues of possessiveness, being abandoned, low self-esteem in being along, or whatever, it is unfair to weight all these on your partner, be it the present guy or next one to come. these same issues will rear its ugly head, no matter who you meet and decide to have a relationship with. because these are your own demons that you are carrying.

i see this happening with many people, some into 40s, 50s who are still at the stage of petulance and obstinance. it is always someone else who needs to fit to their wants, but no self reflection into why things have turned out the way they are,. not just with partners, but often with family and friends too. they are often bitter, lonely, angry, most have given up and say they are unlucky etc.

luck / blessings has little to do with it. relationships are not easy, period. but if you love your partner and yourself, you really dig deep and stick it through, even the parts that are not perfect. 

Perfection, Expectation, and Lack of Communication are the main ingredients for disasters in relationships. When these are not respected and resolved, it starts to degrade into issues of trust, betrayal and neglect, which can lead to the union dissolving.

if you are a young person, which sounds like it, don't beat yourself up too much. but also do not indulge in your bad behaviour and feelings because they will slowly become your habits, which becomes your personality which will eventually become your destiny. 

dont believe in that "you complete me" nonsense. talk about expectations, haha.
it is never the duty of another person to make you whole. it is your own gift and blessing, even if you forget it, to acknowledge and honour your own Life first, be a happy person and then enter into someone else's life and create more happiness. 

if you cannot be happy with yourself, you have no business trying to be happy with someone else.
sorry if all this is coming out harsh, but tough love is better than gentle lies.

[Guest Lpg]

Everyone seems to be jumping to conclusions. So quick to blame OP. 

 

Not saying OP is 100% right (no right or wrong answers anyway; mainly your personal philosophy) but there is always more than meets the eye. 

 

 

 

 

15 hours ago, Guest BrokenHearted said:

 

I was someone who was willing to give everything up for him, literally. And I'd hope he feels the same.

 

We were suppose to spend time together as usual, but he then decided to plan something else with his friends and told me we couldn't spend time together on one of the days. I was really unhappy about it, but nothing was done, just some silent treatment.

 

 

Does this happen a lot? Or only occasionally/a one time thing? 

[Guest Lpg]

14 hours ago, doncoin said:

 

Well, of course it will hurt, and I will tell him how I feel about it. The key is to communicate that feeling of hurt versus cornering him into a decision of them or me. 

 

I will accept his decision, if after communicating how I feel, he still makes the choice of his friends etc. over me. However, I will also set some ground rules if they are that important to him. I.e. After spending time with his friends, he will spend time with me; or invite me along so that his friends can know me and vice versa. Sulking and giving silent treatment isn't really going to bring the 2 of you closer. 

 

What if OP's bf doesn't care about the ground rules?

[Guest Why]

As someone who has been living (willingly or not) a pretty solitary life (no social life; friends), this thread has been an interesting read. 

 

I don't know what OP's social life outside of the relationship is like and I'm not going to assume, but I personally find some of his points relatable.

 

I think people need to be more emphatic and try to understand that not everyone out there is a social butterfly.  When these "lone wolves" finally find (or at least think they've found) someone they tend to "put all their eggs in the same basket", so to speak. Meaning they invest everything into that person. They may have had a lot of love to give but never had a chance till now.

 

I'm not the most eloquent person but I hope the gist gets across. It's something like "us against the world".

[Guest Guest]

I know how you feel as I have encounter such experiences with my partner, but we are still going strong. What you must understand is that you sacrifice all doesnt mean your partner has, and you must learn to compromise for finding a partner is no easy feat. He has his own social life and you should respect that as his life is not 100% about you, at most 90%. Learn to let down your ego at times if you want to be a better someone next time. Think of the many occasions that hes out with you and just that one day he has appointment with his friends who he has not meet for awhile compared to you, someone who meet almost everyday. Think about it.

[Guest Tonychen]

I find it kinda weird . Why can’t you have both ? If the bf love you enough , he will assure you not to worry , you are priority and his female friends are his secondary life. They should not be comparable to your status in his life. If he can’t even do that , then this guy is really not worth it. It means he prioritise his social life over you. This smells like an immature relationship between two first timers and likely both of you are very young right ? 

[adidas]

16 hours ago, Guest BrokenHearted said:

Just broke up with my bf of 1 year today.. We both love each other very much, but neither side could give in.

 

Met my partner through an app. He was my very first. We started out texting, got along really well, and decided to meet up. It was love at first sight. Maybe I was too naive.

 

We spend almost every single day together and enjoyed each others' company very much. We were both very happy and contented. Everything was well, and I truly believed I've found someone I can spend the rest of my life with.

 

Fast forward one year, we've had a few small arguments in between, but its normal in any relationship, right? And it always gets resolved very quickly.

 

I was someone who was willing to give everything up for him, literally. And I'd hope he feels the same.

 

We were suppose to spend time together as usual, but he then decided to plan something else with his friends and told me we couldn't spend time together on one of the days. I was really unhappy about it, but nothing was done, just some silent treatment.

 

The next day, I confronted him about the issue, and althought overly dramatic, decided to give him an ultimatum. The choice should've been obvious. A partner who you will spend the rest of your life with? Or friends that you will one day drift further away from, because they too will find their own love, start their own families, and have new priorities in life?

 

The answers he gave? He picked his female best friends that he had known since his schooling days in Ngee Ann Poly. He want friends, he want family and relatives, he want personal space. All of which does not includes me. Everything fell apart from there.

 

Call me clingy or possessive, it doesn't matter. There are people in this world who would prioritize their lover over everything else.. and then there are people who don't. I know it's not an issue of right or wrong, but merely a matter of what each of us considers more important in their own life. I thought I was important enough for him to pick me over everything else. I had simply misjudged and ended up heartbroken.

 

What about you guys? Do you want a partner who can give everything up for you? Can you give everything up for the one you love most?

 

 

Or I watch too much drama and ended up having the wrong concept in my head? Feel free to comment..

 

 

Lol couples who broke up over lamest reason must die. To think  you claimed he's the love of your love but you can't even give him space. You deserve it.

[Ben S]

It seems all about prioritizing issue.

 

You prioritize him above more things compared to his priority.

trying to compromise during argument will usually never work .... since no one want to feel losing.

should have talked it over with Cool head.

 

either try discussing it again some other time or move on.

 

people also change over time .... have you ever thought how couple feels towards each other after 3, 5, 10 years together ?!

 

in my case, I haven’t gone through that phase, so, can’t answer, i’ll think about it when the time comes.

[benedict5856]

After reading the comments, one word to describe u. 

 

Selfish.

[Ben Ben Ben]

Two words

 

Move on 

[Guest BrokenHearted]

6 hours ago, Ben Ben Ben said:

Maybe try other guy then you know how good or how bad your current bf is!

 

Maybe his leaving from your life teaches you how important he is!

 

only when you lose it then you know how much you love him!

 

 

Haha. I dont think i'll be "trying" other guys anytime soon, if at all.

 

Maybe that's really the case. To lose something really important in order to understand how truly precious it is. Just like that song from Naruto: "You know the closer to get to something, the tougher it is to see it."

 

5 hours ago, tomcat said:

why place such high expectations on someone? the fact is that even if they decide to leave one day or stop feeling the way they do about you, that is something you have to accept because people are people.

 

***Refer to full post above***

if you cannot be happy with yourself, you have no business trying to be happy with someone else.
sorry if all this is coming out harsh, but tough love is better than gentle lies.

 

Wow.. such long post. Much of it is pretty on point though. You professional psychologist or just clairvoyant? Know so much about me just from reading my posts. But it's really kinda sad to just leave it as it is by saying "that's just the way it is".

 

Lifelong relationship is indeed something I value very much. Of course I want to stick it through with him, but it's harder when he opposes my views so strongly. One side has to give, yeah?

 

I'm in no way always bitter and angry, and blame my luck/destiny whatsoever. To not have any expectation for the one you love so much. That's easier said than done. But I have no choice but to agree that i had pushed my expectation a bit too far. Otherwise, this wouldn't have happened.

 

 

5 hours ago, tomcat said:

dont believe in that "you complete me" nonsense. talk about expectations, haha.
it is never the duty of another person to make you whole.

 

But it's nice to have someone who is like a part of you, like an extension of your self, to complement each other's life.

 

If you've watched an anime named "Darling in the Franxx", there's a bird in that anime called 'Jian', and they only have 1 wing. When they find their other half, they would support each other so they can soar the skies together. It's really nice when you think about it.

 

 

[Guest BrokenHearted]

3 hours ago, Guest Lpg said:

Everyone seems to be jumping to conclusions. So quick to blame OP. 

 

Not saying OP is 100% right (no right or wrong answers anyway; mainly your personal philosophy) but there is always more than meets the eye. 

 

 

 

 

Does this happen a lot? Or only occasionally/a one time thing? 

 

Ikr? Some of these guys seriously not pulling their punches. Making me feel so bad about it. I came here and made this thread for the approvals, yo.

 

It's not a one time thing, but it doesnt happen often as well. Only occasionally, I suppose. Everytime it happens, I get a little grumpy. And I would think that by now he should've learned to thread that area more carefully? But i guess not.

 

 

3 hours ago, Guest Why said:

As someone who has been living (willingly or not) a pretty solitary life (no social life; friends), this thread has been an interesting read. 

 

I don't know what OP's social life outside of the relationship is like and I'm not going to assume, but I personally find some of his points relatable.

 

I think people need to be more emphatic and try to understand that not everyone out there is a social butterfly.  When these "lone wolves" finally find (or at least think they've found) someone they tend to "put all their eggs in the same basket", so to speak. Meaning they invest everything into that person. They may have had a lot of love to give but never had a chance till now.

 

I'm not the most eloquent person but I hope the gist gets across. It's something like "us against the world".

 

It's nice to see that there're still some people out here who feels the same way regarding this issue, even if it's just a minority. It just goes to show that not all people are alike in their thinking.

 

My social life is just average. Not overly active. My friends asks me out for Mahjong or movie, or dinner once in a while. And if the date clashes, i would reject my friends and go out with my partner. I mean.. why not?

 

3 hours ago, Guest Guest said:

I know how you feel as I have encounter such experiences with my partner, but we are still going strong. What you must understand is that you sacrifice all doesnt mean your partner has, and you must learn to compromise for finding a partner is no easy feat. He has his own social life and you should respect that as his life is not 100% about you, at most 90%. Learn to let down your ego at times if you want to be a better someone next time. Think of the many occasions that hes out with you and just that one day he has appointment with his friends who he has not meet for awhile compared to you, someone who meet almost everyday. Think about it.

 

Ok.. I'll keep that in mind next time. Gotta learn from the successful examples. Thanks for the good advice.

 

 

[Guest BrokenHearted]

3 hours ago, Guest Tonychen said:

I find it kinda weird . Why can’t you have both ? If the bf love you enough , he will assure you not to worry , you are priority and his female friends are his secondary life. They should not be comparable to your status in his life. If he can’t even do that , then this guy is really not worth it. It means he prioritise his social life over you. This smells like an immature relationship between two first timers and likely both of you are very young right ? 

 

I'm close to my late 20s, he's a little younger than me. Maybe we're really are too immature. This indeed is my 1st relationship, and he had 1 previous relationship that lasted roughly 2 months.

The reason for his previous breakup was pretty similar to this one, in that he was too engaged in spending time with one of his relatives and ended up forgetting to inform his ex-bf, that guy got so angry that he left him without giving him a 2nd chance. I thought it was pretty heartless, but now i'm doing the same thing to him..

 

Throughout the whole argument, had he said that I'm the most important thing in his life, or anything similar, I think the argument would have ended there. Maybe he too was waiting for me to say that I love/trust him enough to give him the freedom/space he wants. But neither of us did.

 

1 hour ago, Ben S said:

It seems all about prioritizing issue.

 

You prioritize him above more things compared to his priority.

trying to compromise during argument will usually never work .... since no one want to feel losing.

should have talked it over with Cool head.

 

either try discussing it again some other time or move on.

 

people also change over time .... have you ever thought how couple feels towards each other after 3, 5, 10 years together ?!

 

in my case, I haven’t gone through that phase, so, can’t answer, i’ll think about it when the time comes.

 

At some point in time, we really believed we would last till the end of our life. We enjoy planning things for our future and all that stuff, saying thing like getting a house, retiring, and growing old together. 但人算始终还是不如天算。

 

[Guest BrokenHearted]

3 hours ago, adidas said:

Lol couples who broke up over lamest reason must die. To think  you claimed he's the love of your love but you can't even give him space. You deserve it.

 

1 hour ago, benedict5856 said:

After reading the comments, one word to describe u. 

 

Selfish.

 

Tone it down with the insults, you two. Go make out with each other or something.

[xiandarkthorne]

I agree with many of the posters here. 

 

OP, after reading your post and your replies, all I can say is, everything's always all about you, isn't it? No wonder your boyfriend needed breathing space.  I don't know how he managed to get through one whole year.

 

My advice to you is to stop watching all those K, J or other dramas and learn to be a matured adult.

[Guest BrokenHearted]

47 minutes ago, xiandarkthorne said:

I agree with many of the posters here. 

 

OP, after reading your post and your replies, all I can say is, everything's always all about you, isn't it? No wonder your boyfriend needed breathing space.  I don't know how he managed to get through one whole year.

 

My advice to you is to stop watching all those K, J or other dramas and learn to be a matured adult.

 

Did you not learn how to read properly? Of course it's about me and him, that's why it's called a relationship. Don't know what you mean by "everything". Did you somehow assume that you know everything about my life now?

 

And why would you say that anyway? Would you like everything to be about you instead?

 

[camper]

8 hours ago, Guest BrokenHearted said:

 

 

Tone it down with the insults, you two. Go make out with each other or something.

 And this is why I suspect you brought on the problems you had. Cos what you see as insults,I saw as good advice and critique. Sure we are strangers judging you and giving you our opinions but if you didn't want to have to deal with such comments, you shouldn't have tried to gain attention by posting this thread. All your defensive comments to people who replied shows how much more growing up you need. Hope you do and find a love. 

[Steve5380]

TS, it is worthless to try to make him love you more than he does.  At least in a free society.

It seems that there are many ways to discuss a relationship before making an ultimatum.

But don't worry, what you did is not uncommon and not necessarily negative. 

It may not have blown up the relationship in his mind.  Give it some time.

If he is willing to continue the relationship, you will be on more solid ground than before.

If he is not interested, you will be more knowledgeable than before.

So the incident was not necessarily a loss.

Let your broken heart heal and look forward to the future.

 

[adidas]

7 hours ago, Guest BrokenHearted said:

 

Did you not learn how to read properly? Of course it's about me and him, that's why it's called a relationship. Don't know what you mean by "everything". Did you somehow assume that you know everything about my life now?

 

And why would you say that anyway? Would you like everything to be about you instead?

 

Dude, if you're one of those people who come here trying to find people who agree everything with you and yet not accepting criticism, then I think you need to GROW UP. Don't call your ex the love of your life when you don't even know what is love. Real problems exists in real life. Not choosing you over his best friend over one fucking date is NOT a problem. Like I said, you simply deserve it. You don't even have the fucking right to feel "heartbroken". 

 

Also, for someone in their late 20s and behaving like late 10s just simply show how immature you are. 

[Guest BrokenHearted]

6 hours ago, camper said:

 And this is why I suspect you brought on the problems you had. Cos what you see as insults,I saw as good advice and critique. Sure we are strangers judging you and giving you our opinions but if you didn't want to have to deal with such comments, you shouldn't have tried to gain attention by posting this thread. All your defensive comments to people who replied shows how much more growing up you need. Hope you do and find a love. 

 

Telling people to die, or using 1 word to describe a person is considered good advice? I'm quite sure I know a good advice when I see one. But you seem more interested to decide for me. Either way, their good advice has been noted.

 

You just defended opinions that are similar to yours, much like how I defend mine. So I guess we both have a lot more growing up to do?

 

 

2 hours ago, Steve5380 said:

TS, it is worthless to try to make him love you more than he does.  At least in a free society.

It seems that there are many ways to discuss a relationship before making an ultimatum.

But don't worry, what you did is not uncommon and not necessarily negative. 

It may not have blown up the relationship in his mind.  Give it some time.

If he is willing to continue the relationship, you will be on more solid ground than before.

If he is not interested, you will be more knowledgeable than before.

So the incident was not necessarily a loss.

Let your broken heart heal and look forward to the future.

 

 

That's a really nice and open minded way to look at it. And probably one of the best way too, if I want to come to terms with what has already happened.