So i broke up with the love of my life..

[Guest BrokenHearted]

51 minutes ago, adidas said:

Dude, if you're one of those people who come here trying to find people who agree everything with you and yet not accepting criticism, then I think you need to GROW UP. Don't call your ex the love of your life when you don't even know what is love. Real problems exists in real life. Not choosing you over his best friend over one fucking date is NOT a problem. Like I said, you simply deserve it. You don't even have the fucking right to feel "heartbroken". 

 

Also, for someone in their late 20s and behaving like late 10s just simply show how immature you are. 

 

Yeah, like as if you forcing me to accept your criticism is any different. Well, at least I didn't force people to agree with me by throwing personal insults.

 

You talk like you know everything about love. Aren't you just the best. Do you want an award?

 

[Guest BrokenHearted]

I'm not trying to be disrespectful toward others or anything, but some of the comments here are extremely rude and uncalled for, and is triggering a similar response in return. I know I'm not supposed to go so low and try to win a fight at their level, but even I disappoint myself sometimes.

 

People come in here and present their advice or opinion, and then I present my own, and we both get to see, get a better understanding about each other's point of view and hopefully learn something from it. That's what a discussion is suppose to be like, right? But some of the people here are saying: "I present my advice and criticism, you shut up and listen. If you even try to say anything at all, you're being immature and childish and defensive and needs to grow up."

 

Those people definitely didn't come here to have a discussion. They came here to win an argument.

 

People don't normally go up to people and say to their face, 'Go die', or "Grow up", or when something bad happens to someone, you rub it in their face and say, "you deserve it". If you want to have a proper discussion, then speak like a proper human, and we can continue from there. Alright?

[t10cp52]

Hey TS, 

 

relationships are are built on trust, love and openness. but there more to that as well, you need to give each other personal space as well.. 

 

not sure if this is the right ananlogy but imagine if u have to eat the exact same plate of your favorite food, 3 meals a day for the next 30-50 years of you life..

 

thats like eating 32,850 plate of the same thing over and over again... if u guys are meant to be  together, you will be spending lots of time with him already.. it’s ok to let him and yourself have me-time once in a while! 

 

me n my partner use to start out like you! we can literally meet everyday and if u ask me now, we still can! but letting him spend time with his friends and me with mine actually give us more conversations to talk about, more idea on where to hang out and even more things to do. 

 

and you should (if you can work things out with him again) never ever make someone choose between yourself and his friends & family.. I’m pretty sure you are as important to him as his family and friends and you guys fill up different parts of his life.. it’s like me asking you to choose between chopping of your left or right hand.. 

 

hope you guys can talks things out  all the best TS

 

[Guest BrokenHearted]

57 minutes ago, vinc85 said:

Hey TS, 

 

relationships are are built on trust, love and openness. but there more to that as well, you need to give each other personal space as well.. 

 

not sure if this is the right ananlogy but imagine if u have to eat the exact same plate of your favorite food, 3 meals a day for the next 30-50 years of you life..

 

thats like eating 32,850 plate of the same thing over and over again... if u guys are meant to be  together, you will be spending lots of time with him already.. it’s ok to let him and yourself have me-time once in a while! 

 

me n my partner use to start out like you! we can literally meet everyday and if u ask me now, we still can! but letting him spend time with his friends and me with mine actually give us more conversations to talk about, more idea on where to hang out and even more things to do. 

 

and you should (if you can work things out with him again) never ever make someone choose between yourself and his friends & family.. I’m pretty sure you are as important to him as his family and friends and you guys fill up different parts of his life.. it’s like me asking you to choose between chopping of your left or right hand..

 

 

Hey thanks. That analogy was a good one. Didn't thought about it that way before, but now that you mentioned it, you're right.. even I wouldn't want to eat the same thing over and over for the next 50 years of my life. How I wish I could've thought like you at that point in time, to let him go out with his friends so we can have more things to talk about, more ideas on where we can hang out next time, and such. Maybe I wouldn't have perceived it so negatively and cornered him with an unreasonable choice..

 

58 minutes ago, vinc85 said:

hope you guys can talks things out  all the best TS

 

I hoped the same for myself as well.

[Ben Ben Ben]

If you love your bf, you will not ask him to choose between you OR his friends. 

 

You should tell him that you can have both you AND his friends. 

 

The importance of sustaining a relationship is A and B not A or B. Imagine if one day, you die before him or vice versa, you or him still need the support of your friends to move on our life. 

 

If you don’t realise it, this shows that you have not loved him deep enough or vice versa! 

[t10cp52]

it’s never too realize that things could have been done differently.

 

maybe you might be able to get back to him, or maybe your fate with him has come to an end.. either way, you learn something that you can bring to the next chapter of your life. 

 

jiayou TS. ask him out, have a chat with him. u’ll never know how things will turn out. if you guys get back together, that great, if not, at least you know you tried  

[tomcat]

19 hours ago, Guest BrokenHearted said:

You professional psychologist or just clairvoyant? Know so much about me just from reading my posts. 

haha, what a difference a day makes.

This thread really became a shit show overnight! 

people can leave all sorts of comments, a test of your strength is just to read, take it in & not respond. Nobody can shake your inner peace, unless you allow them to.

reading through it all also makes me second guess, if OP is just doing this for cheap attention (worst case), or get some real advice (best case) To which, i think, both got accomplished, so kudos to that. i guess.

lastly, OP, you are really a drama queen. Only first relationship but already "the love of your life". not even fully matured, but wants someone to fully turn over his life to you. ask for comments, but yet not able to receive graciously.

not a big shocker you drew the ire of many members here who has seen this umpteenth time before. the support i am seeing from the young'uns though makes me wonder if all of the younger generation gays are this delusional and unrealistic.

by the way. im not a mental health care provider or a clairvoyant althought that would be a nice ability, it's just that these cheap drama sob stories are really a dime a dozen in here. so imagine seeing this nonsense countless times. do excuse the members in here for getting a little bit agitated. 

 

hope that's an apt summary of this disaster of a thread - there are really gems of advice tho, OP just needs to get his shit together, sort through and learn from it. dont waste time responding to haters, i'd say you got bigger fish to fry, big problems to solve ya.

all the best to you, OP. please don't come back with another sob story in X amt of months.

[Guest BrokenHearted]

30 minutes ago, donaldduckeroo said:

Seriously, if you think anybody would pick you over his own family, good luck, you can go ahead and dream on you possessive little spoiled brat.

 

Hey, just because you won't doesn't mean others don't. I myself am someone who would pick a lover over my own family, and I'm going to take it  one step further as to even assume that I'm not the only one who thinks that way in this world. Unless you can speak for the 7 billion people on Earth, your point is moot.

 

38 minutes ago, donaldduckeroo said:

In an open relationship for 5 years and going strong, saving up for marriage. Am very clear to my partner from the start - friends will always come first in my life cos I only have that handful of trusted friends and my best friend and I have known each other for 15 years. 

 

Yeah sure, why not. It's your life. You can have what you want. Just don't be so quick to disapprove of what others want.

 

33 minutes ago, Ben Ben Ben said:

If you love your bf, you will not ask him to choose between you OR his friends. 

 

You should tell him that you can have both you AND his friends. 

 

The importance of sustaining a relationship is A and B not A or B. Imagine if one day, you die before him or vice versa, you or him still need the support of your friends to move on our life. 

 

If you don’t realise it, this shows that you have not loved him deep enough or vice versa! 

 

We've only been together for a year, but I definitely wouldn't say I don't love him deep enough. The topic of love is extremely subjective. How do you measure love anyway? By who's standard?

 

Well.. let's just say there is still room for improvement in certain areas of my relationship.

[camper]

 I'm gonna again make an assumption, that you have yet to even find friends who will be there for you for life. I'm also gonna assume you have nobody else in your life you rely on. Thus the need for 100% attention from your bf.

 

You have been with your ex only a year, but his friends have been there for him for longer. Who do you think anyone would choose? A spoiled clingy brat who uses backhanded tactics to gain love and trust (read: ultimatums, putting your relationship at ransom)? Or friends who've been there for longer.

[camper]

 Furthermore, you are assuming that what you are doing will in turn get you more love from him. And when you didn't get it, you whine. Nobody loves equally.

 

Throughout this whole thread, the one thing that is common with your responses is "me me me, I want this this this.  I did that and all". What about him? It sounds more like you are doing all this just for yourself and not him. You are not even willing to listen to his needs.

 

 

[Guest BrokenHearted]

5 hours ago, tomcat said:

people can leave all sorts of comments, a test of your strength is just to read, take it in & not respond. Nobody can shake your inner peace, unless you allow them to.

reading through it all also makes me second guess, if OP is just doing this for cheap attention (worst case), or get some real advice (best case) To which, i think, both got accomplished, so kudos to that. i guess.

 

Well said. And neither could I draw the attention of those who choose not to give.

 

 

5 hours ago, tomcat said:

lastly, OP, you are really a drama queen. Only first relationship but already "the love of your life". not even fully matured, but wants someone to fully turn over his life to you.

 

5 hours ago, tomcat said:

the support i am seeing from the young'uns though makes me wonder if all of the younger generation gays are this delusional and unrealistic.

 

Not sure what kind of support you're talking about there.

 

But says who that your first partner cannot be the one and only "love of your life"? There are countless examples out there, and some maybe even your own friends, who have build a successful lifelong relationship with their 1st lover.

 

Certain things do seem unrealistic when you impose your own standards onto it. "It always seems impossible until it's done." If any of the historical inventor had heed the words of the naysayers, much of the inventions we have now would not have been here, yeah?

 

 

5 hours ago, tomcat said:

ask for comments, but yet not able to receive graciously.

 

You would focus on minority of the rude comments that I gave in response to the impolite commentors, ignore all the other ones, and then call me ungracious? How would it feel if I take one of your flaw, focus only on that, ignore all your positive traits and then call you a failure? Do not confuse opinions with false accusations. There is nothing wrong with clarifying certain details. Or are you another one of those people who thinks a simple response to your comment is seen as immature and ungracious? You can call me defensive, but don't forget to look in the mirror too.

 

 

5 hours ago, tomcat said:

not a big shocker you drew the ire of many members here who has seen this umpteenth time before.

 

5 hours ago, tomcat said:

it's just that these cheap drama sob stories are really a dime a dozen in here. so imagine seeing this nonsense countless times. do excuse the members in here for getting a little bit agitated. 

 

Do not claim to have so little control over your own body that you cannot choose what you want to read and comment about. Don't come in here, read through everything, leave a comment, and then later lament about how 'nonsense' and pointless all of it is. If they don't want to, no one can force them to come here and participate in this discussion. I shall now reuse one of the phrase that has been used many times on me here in this thread, "Move on".

 

If you believe everything has it own purpose to serve, you should also be able to see the significance of this thread. This thread have drawn in people who have great insights and experiences to share, people who have useful and relevant advice to give. All of which could've been useful to the many others who read those posts, even if it might not be relevant to some at present. Is that not enough for you still? What more do you ask for?

 

 

5 hours ago, tomcat said:

there are really gems of advice tho, OP just needs to get his shit together, sort through and learn from it. dont waste time responding to haters, i'd say you got bigger fish to fry, big problems to solve ya.

 

Indeed.

 

 

5 hours ago, tomcat said:

all the best to you, OP. please don't come back with another sob story in X amt of months.

 

Let's hope you're right and that I'll never have the need to come here and do this ever again.

 

[Guest BrokenHearted]

5 hours ago, camper said:

 I'm gonna again make an assumption, that you have yet to even find friends who will be there for you for life. I'm also gonna assume you have nobody else in your life you rely on. Thus the need for 100% attention from your bf.

 

You have been with your ex only a year, but his friends have been there for him for longer. Who do you think anyone would choose? A spoiled clingy brat who uses backhanded tactics to gain love and trust (read: ultimatums, putting your relationship at ransom)? Or friends who've been there for longer.

 

That would be an erronous assumption. I do have close friends that I've known for 10 over years, and that i still go out with, up until i met my lover of course. Because I chose him over them.

I can't really say what others will choose, since I'm not them.. I can only tell you what I would've chosen.

 

5 hours ago, camper said:

 Furthermore, you are assuming that what you are doing will in turn get you more love from him. And when you didn't get it, you whine. Nobody loves equally.

 

Throughout this whole thread, the one thing that is common with your responses is "me me me, I want this this this.  I did that and all". What about him? It sounds more like you are doing all this just for yourself and not him. You are not even willing to listen to his needs.

 

 

Yeah, I have now learned how dangerous and damaging it can be to impose so much of my own beliefs and expectation on someone.

 

Of course I have my wants. If everyone can be completely selfless all the time, how wonderful this world would have become.

 

But he's no pushover too, he stood by his own wants, which is his friends, right?

 

It's true I was doing it mostly for myself, I just want to spend more time with him, regardless of what he wants. Should I have changed my thinking, and tell myself i want to spend less time with him? I wonder if that would have worked?

 

[Guest BrokenHearted]

5 hours ago, vinc85 said:

it’s never too realize that things could have been done differently.

 

maybe you might be able to get back to him, or maybe your fate with him has come to an end.. either way, you learn something that you can bring to the next chapter of your life. 

 

jiayou TS. ask him out, have a chat with him. u’ll never know how things will turn out. if you guys get back together, that great, if not, at least you know you tried  

 

I'm extremely inclined to take your advice and give it a go. Well.. the remaining pages of my life has not yet been written in, maybe if i really strive hard for it, I might still be able to forge a happy ending with him.

 

And thanks for the encouragement too!

[camper]

22 minutes ago, Guest BrokenHearted said:

It's true I was doing it mostly for myself, I just want to spend more time with him, regardless of what he wants. Should I have changed my thinking, and tell myself i want to spend less time with him? I wonder if that would have worked?

 

That's one way. Or just talk about it. Or even find things, mundane things, you can do together. 

[VanillaSalt]

Just randomly passing by =x ~ 

 

I didn't read super carefully and thoroughly but I do think that there are both sides to the story for this... You both loved each other and that's something that was worth it while it lasted. In the end you just both had different expectations for the relationship that didn't match well.

 

I kind of understand your view as if I were in a relationship I would probably make similar choices to you whereby I would without hesitation, place my lover first in most situations. I would also be really upset if he didn't put me first in most situations. 

 

Overall I think that a relationship needs two people to willingly give and take according to their expectations and if things don't work out ...there can be compromises to make for both parties, and if no compromise can be made then it's not right for any one party to suffer to accommodate their partner for life. It's better to let go and find someone you're more compatible with.

[Nipoet]

On 7/11/2018 at 9:16 PM, Guest BrokenHearted said:

Just broke up with my bf of 1 year today.. We both love each other very much, but neither side could give in.

 

Met my partner through an app. He was my very first. We started out texting, got along really well, and decided to meet up. It was love at first sight. Maybe I was too naive.

 

We spend almost every single day together and enjoyed each others' company very much. We were both very happy and contented. Everything was well, and I truly believed I've found someone I can spend the rest of my life with.

 

Fast forward one year, we've had a few small arguments in between, but its normal in any relationship, right? And it always gets resolved very quickly.

 

I was someone who was willing to give everything up for him, literally. And I'd hope he feels the same.

 

We were suppose to spend time together as usual, but he then decided to plan something else with his friends and told me we couldn't spend time together on one of the days. I was really unhappy about it, but nothing was done, just some silent treatment.

 

The next day, I confronted him about the issue, and althought overly dramatic, decided to give him an ultimatum. The choice should've been obvious. A partner who you will spend the rest of your life with? Or friends that you will one day drift further away from, because they too will find their own love, start their own families, and have new priorities in life?

 

The answers he gave? He picked his female best friends that he had known since his schooling days in Ngee Ann Poly. He want friends, he want family and relatives, he want personal space. All of which does not includes me. Everything fell apart from there.

 

Call me clingy or possessive, it doesn't matter. There are people in this world who would prioritize their lover over everything else.. and then there are people who don't. I know it's not an issue of right or wrong, but merely a matter of what each of us considers more important in their own life. I thought I was important enough for him to pick me over everything else. I had simply misjudged and ended up heartbroken.

 

What about you guys? Do you want a partner who can give everything up for you? Can you give everything up for the one you love most?

 

 

Or I watch too much drama and ended up having the wrong concept in my head? Feel free to comment..

 

 

 

 

My best advice for you. 

If you focus too much on someone, you have a natural expectation of equal or even more reciprocation of that attention from him/her.

And if that amount of reciprocation falls short, you'll feel short-changed and unhappy.

Know that other people HAVE other priorities, and it may not necessarily be their Significant Others. (If that's the case, then this person probably isn't a good choice to spend your ever-after with!)

Take your time to let it (him) go, let it (him) go...

Then try again! 

There are still plenty of trees in the forest! Take your pick. And if you can't find one suitable, it's ok to be by yourself!

Cheers.

 

Edited July 13, 2018 by Nipoet

[Guest Glyph]

On 7/11/2018 at 9:16 PM, Guest BrokenHearted said:

...decided to give him an ultimatum. The choice should've been obvious. A partner who you will spend the rest of your life with? Or friends that you will one day drift further away from...

 

Stopped reading after this. The minute you decide to throw this out to anyone, it becomes apparent that you're obviously not ready for a relationship. Whoever said that friends must one day drift apart? Take a good look at what happened between you and "your partner whom you will spend the rest of your life with".

[Guest Zzz]

Possession isn’t love. Attraction isn’t love. When you love someone you just want them to be happy, that’s all. Nothing more nothing less.

[Guest BrokenHearted]

6 hours ago, camper said:

That's one way. Or just talk about it. Or even find things, mundane things, you can do together. 

 

We did. We did a lot of both mundane and fun stuffs together. But now I'm starting to wonder if I'm the only one who really enjoyed it. And there's little to no chance to talk to him about anything now, unless his sister is willing to be a messenger, lols.

 

 

6 hours ago, VanillaSalt said:

In the end you just both had different expectations for the relationship that didn't match well. 

 

Exactly! But if it really was a lousy match, why did he stayed with me for a year? Everything seems fine before that too. Was he just putting it up with me then? And for so long? I'm really not sure..

 

6 hours ago, VanillaSalt said:

kind of understand your view as if I were in a relationship I would probably make similar choices to you whereby I would without hesitation, place my lover first in most situations. I would also be really upset if he didn't put me first in most situations. 

 

Shhh.. It's dangerous to say that here, donaldduckeroo is gonna come at you with his personal insults.

 

 

6 hours ago, VanillaSalt said:

Overall I think that a relationship needs two people to willingly give and take according to their expectations and if things don't work out ...there can be compromises to make for both parties

 

Yep, both sides being able to compromise would indeed create the best scenario.

 

 

6 hours ago, VanillaSalt said:

and if no compromise can be made then it's not right for any one party to suffer to accommodate their partner for life. It's better to let go and find someone you're more compatible with. 

 

Letting go and hoping to find someone more compatible was what i did, which led to the breakup. But now I'm starting to believe that even if i had to make the compromises, it still wouldn't have hurt more than losing him completely.

 

 

[Guest BrokenHearted]

6 hours ago, Nipoet said:

 

 

My best advice for you.

 

 

That quote looks familiar. I might've seen it somewhere else before but didn't paid much attention to it back then. It seems to make a lot more sense to me now.

 

 

6 hours ago, Nipoet said:

If you focus too much on someone, you have a natural expectation of equal or even more reciprocation of that attention from him/her.

And if that amount of reciprocation falls short, you'll feel short-changed and unhappy.

 

That was what exactly happened to me. And others here have convinced me that I could give my all to him, but mustn't expect anything in return from him. It's his choice how much he wants to give to me. But it's hard to come to terms with that, because I am also sometimes calculative, keeping internal scores of the thing I do for others, hoping to get something in return. And in this case, the thing that i want from him was his love and attention. But the opposite happened, I ended up with none. How ironic.

 

 

6 hours ago, Nipoet said:

Know that other people HAVE other priorities, and it may not necessarily be their Significant Others. (If that's the case, then this person probably isn't a good choice to spend your ever-after with!)

Take your time to let it (him) go, let it (him) go...

Then try again! 

There are still plenty of trees in the forest! Take your pick. And if you can't find one suitable, it's ok to be by yourself!

Cheers.

 

It's so depressing to be by myself now, after having spent the last one year of my life being with someone by my side all the time. Really might've taken thing for granted. Now when I think back, I still wonder if there was more i could have done for him, so that i could've ranked higher on his priority list.

 

[ivanl]

7 hours ago, Guest BrokenHearted said:

It's true I was doing it mostly for myself, I just want to spend more time with him, regardless of what he wants. Should I have changed my thinking, and tell myself i want to spend less time with him? I wonder if that would have worked?

 

It's good that you can recognize your flaws. But not everything would be your fault. As it takes two hands to clap, so does it take two people making an effort to sustain a relationship. One cannot always be giving - but at the same time, one cannot always be taking either.

In your post, you went from one extreme ("I must have him whenever I want him") to the other ("I must tell myself I want to spend less time with him"). Neither is healthy. You need to recognize what you need, you need to recognize what the other person needs, and then find a common ground that allows you two to... not be wonderfully delighted with the outcome, but reasonably satisfied. That's the whole point of compromise - where two people wanting wildly different things don't get everything they want, but they get enough to keep them happy and functional.

You shouldn't tell yourself you don't want to spend time with him. You should acknowledge your needs, but also acknowledge his. Something like... "I want to spend all my time with him, but he wants to spend time with his friends, so we should settle for a middle ground where we each get part of what we want - he spends a little less time with his friends then he wants, I get a little less time with him than I want."

So the question I have for you now is... was there any real, genuine attempt to compromise? Did you try to say "this time okay, next time come to me" or "ok, but I want to spend time with you too so don't go out too often"? Did you give him time to recognize the issue (you would rather have more time with him) and reconcile it with how he wants to live his life?

If you did, and your relationship fell apart because you two couldn't come to a compromise anyway, then it is not likely that your relationship would have continued regardless because the way you want to live your lives is just not compatible. You can have sparks or even a raging wildfire, but if your paths are different like parallel lines that never meet, then it will not work.

If you didn't, then at least now you have a better idea of how to make things work in your next relationship.

Edited July 13, 2018 by ivanl

[Guest BrokenHearted]

5 hours ago, Glyph said:

 

Stopped reading after this. The minute you decide to throw this out to anyone, it becomes apparent that you're obviously not ready for a relationship. Whoever said that friends must one day drift apart? Take a good look at what happened between you and "your partner whom you will spend the rest of your life with".

 

It doesn't work that way. Hindsight is 20/20. Different choice will leads to a different outcome. If he had chosen me over his friends, then I would've spend the rest of my life with him.

 

 

3 hours ago, donaldduckeroo said:

And in any case, this shall be my last reply to this silly little thread.

 

Oh great! Since you won't be replying anymore, I'm going take this golden opportunity to let off some steam and vent it all out on you.

 

Just kidding. Don't piss your pants, yo.

 

 

3 hours ago, donaldduckeroo said:

I truly hope he will never get back together with you cos from reading all your posts, u r truly 1 selfish little prick.

 

Whether or not we will get back together in the future is for me and him to decide, not you.

 

 

3 hours ago, donaldduckeroo said:

Bros before hoes dude. If you really think a true friendship is that fragile that he is willing to give it all up just because of your princess syndrome, like I said, dream on

 

And if you think true love is so weak that no one is willing to sacrifice everything for another, I'd say you better wake up from your horrible dreams.

 

 

3 hours ago, donaldduckeroo said:

Not my business anyway, good luck to your life.

 

Thanks for your contribution to this thread. Good luck to your life too.

 

[Guest BrokenHearted]

1 hour ago, Guest Zzz said:

Possession isn’t love. Attraction isn’t love. When you love someone you just want them to be happy, that’s all. Nothing more nothing less.

 

That would unconditional love. But because i was inexperienced and immature, I couldn't give him the purest form of love.

 

 

1 hour ago, Guest Guest Limousine said:

Lots of people here have said out lots of bla bla Bla bla ..... bla but ultimately you decide the outcome thru words or actions ..or both .. Not any of us .. we are only the influencers for your case .. but the best wishes to you always... 

 

Thanks. Your well wishes is very much appreciated. I guess I'll make my decision after spending some more time to think everything through.

[Guest Glyph]

Yes, different choices lead to different outcomes but a Sophie's choice always leads to the same result—someone is going to get hurt.

 

Nonetheless I hope you find someone who is similar to you, no matter how slim the chances are.

[Guest BrokenHearted]

1 hour ago, ivanl said:

You shouldn't tell yourself you don't want to spend time with him. You should acknowledge your needs, but also acknowledge his. Something like... "I want to spend all my time with him, but he wants to spend time with his friends, so we should settle for a middle ground where we each get part of what we want - he spends a little less time with his friends then he wants, I get a little less time with him than I want."

 

Wow.. that sounds really good. This seems like one of the best option if I want to make up with him. I wouldn't mind going with that.

 

 

1 hour ago, ivanl said:

In your post, you went from one extreme ("I must have him whenever I want him") to the other ("I must tell myself I want to spend less time with him"). Neither is healthy. You need to recognize what you need, you need to recognize what the other person needs, and then find a common ground that allows you two to... not be wonderfully delighted with the outcome, but reasonably satisfied. That's the whole point of compromise - where two people wanting wildly different things don't get everything they want, but they get enough to keep them happy and functional.

 

You explains it in a way that is very easy for me to internalize. Maybe I had been wanting this relationship to be "wonderfully delighted" all the time and thus did not consider other options. But like you said, the relationship could have been maintained at the "reasonably satisfied" level, and we could both get some or most of what we want with a bit of compromise.

 

 

1 hour ago, ivanl said:

So the question I have for you now is... was there any real, genuine attempt to compromise? Did you try to say "this time okay, next time come to me" or "ok, but I want to spend time with you too so don't go out too often"? Did you give him time to recognize the issue (you would rather have more time with him) and reconcile it with how he wants to live his life?

 

During the heated argument, there was no real attempt to compromise. Only each of us pushing our own stand harder and harder. He said he want friends, family and his love relationship to be all equal. How can it be equal? Equal with his friends? He must be kidding me. Then I be his lover for what? I give him so much more than what his friends is able to give him. And he wants to treat our relationship as how he would treat his friendship? The things you do to a lover, you can't do it to your friends; But the things you do with your friend, you can do it with your lover.

 

But before it escalated into an argument, I did tell him that I want to spend more time with him and don't want him to always go out with his friends, but he said it's been quite long since he last met them, and insists on going. And the previous time, he said the same thing too.

 

He offered assurance that no matter who he goes out with, he's heart is always with me, but saying that and then go out with his friend seems to me like he was only trying to appease me with nice words. I want him to be physically here, with me. If he's right here beside me, I would be happy without needing him to even offer a single word of praise.

 

I had given a compromise before, he said he wanted to spend more time with family and I agreed, he already gets to spend time with his family whenever they are at home, but he wanted more. Afterwards it moved on to friend and other stuff like more personal space and such. I pushed for more time for me, he pushed for more time for all his other stuffs, that's how it all broke apart.

 

 

[Guest BrokenHearted]

12 hours ago, Glyph said:

Yes, different choices lead to different outcomes but a Sophie's choice always leads to the same result—someone is going to get hurt.

 

Nonetheless I hope you find someone who is similar to you, no matter how slim the chances are. 

 

Yes, and the person who got hurt this time was me.

 

 

Anyway, just an update for everyone who is following this thread and all those who have provided their advice and recommendations. I texted him today and tried to talk things out, and in the end we still decided not to continue the relationship. Through trying to get to a compromise, we both got a better understanding of what each other want, and we just can't satisfy each others' wants and needs.

 

I'm truly grateful that he gave me the closure I need. He said something along the line of, "If one day something happens and we cant be together anymore, we need someone else that we can depend on."

 

I asked him what that "something" is, and he said: "like if my parents found out or something." I asked if his parents found out and object, would he give me up? His answer is clear. He can't give them up to be with me. I envy the strong relationship he has with his family. Given the same situation, I would've chosen him over my parents, bad as it may sound. I don't want to sound like an ungrateful person, but there are just certain things i just feel more strongly about in life. And for me, that is Love.

 

Just from that, we both knew what we each wanted. It is something that cannot be found with each other..

 

 

Still, thank you for all your contributions, well wishes and encouragement. Now I will really move on. Really.. thank you everyone...

 

[Steve5380]

17 hours ago, Guest BrokenHearted said:

 

 

I asked him what that "something" is, and he said: "like if my parents found out or something." I asked if his parents found out and object, would he give me up? His answer is clear. He can't give them up to be with me. I envy the strong relationship he has with his family. Given the same situation, I would've chosen him over my parents, bad as it may sound. I don't want to sound like an ungrateful person, but there are just certain things i just feel more strongly about in life. And for me, that is Love.

 

Just from that, we both knew what we each wanted. It is something that cannot be found with each other..

 

 

He can't give up his parents to be with you?  There is something wrong with this statement, which is his family and the way they influence him. And stated correctly, what he said is: "My family will give me up if I am with a gay like you,  and I cannot tolerate being rejected by my family."

 

So the fault is with his family and with his weakness of character misinterpreting family love.  A decent family does not reject a child for his orientation. Such a family does not deserve the love of its children.  And he should not accept such an imposition of rejecting a gay like you in the name of some corrupted family love.

 

In the straight world, when a man marries and has children his primary and most important family shifts from his parents to his wife and children.  I am not so sure if this applies equally to a same-sex marriage without children, but I think it should. 

 

In any case, you are now better off than before because you know where you stand.  The next time you are ready to give your heart to someone else, and it definitely should happen, check among other things that his family would accept you.  Good luck to you!

[Guest BrokenHearted]

58 minutes ago, Steve5380 said:

 

He can't give up his parents to be with you?  There is something wrong with this statement, which is his family and the way they influence him. And stated correctly, what he said is: "My family will give me up if I am with a gay like you,  and I cannot tolerate being rejected by my family."

 

So the fault is with his family and with his weakness of character misinterpreting family love.  A decent family does not reject a child for his orientation. Such a family does not deserve the love of its children.  And he should not accept such an imposition of rejecting a gay like you in the name of some corrupted family love.

 

In the straight world, when a man marries and has children his primary and most important family shifts from his parents to his wife and children.  I am not so sure if this applies equally to a same-sex marriage without children, but I think it should. 

 

In any case, you are now better off than before because you know where you stand.  The next time you are ready to give your heart to someone else, and it definitely should happen, check among other things that his family would accept you.  Good luck to you! 

 

Very thoughtful advice. I really wish he would see it your way too. I feel fearful about developing a relationship for 5 or 10 years then have it all end due to a factor that is outside my control. That would be a very hopeless situation..

[Cherish9688]

 

[benedict5856]

Everything we said, anything we said, YOU always have something to rebuke.

 

Its all about u.

 

U only care about yrself. U have expectations, everyone do. So u will assume having expectations is NOT wrong.

Or rather, bcas there are 7 billion ppl on earth, sure got ppl think like you. Therefore u will assume that u are not wrong.

 

You are perfect. U are self-righteous.

 

Not only selfish to describe u.

Pathetic.

 

I literally pity u.

Seriously.....

 

I believe yr ex is the most happy man now.... without u in his life....

[Guest Guest]

2 hours ago, benedict5856 said:

Everything we said, anything we said, YOU always have something to rebuke.

 

Its all about u.

 

U only care about yrself. U have expectations, everyone do. So u will assume having expectations is NOT wrong.

Or rather, bcas there are 7 billion ppl on earth, sure got ppl think like you. Therefore u will assume that u are not wrong.

 

You are perfect. U are self-righteous.

 

Not only selfish to describe u.

Pathetic.

 

I literally pity u.

Seriously.....

 

I believe yr ex is the most happy man now.... without u in his life....

 

You TS's ex-bf? 

[Guest please mature]

On 7/12/2018 at 12:31 AM, Guest BrokenHearted said:

 

I would say he love me quite alot. Judging from the way he looked all red-eyed when he came down to pass me the stuff I left at his house. I quickly took the stuff from his hands without looking at him and walked away.

 

I could already feel tears welling up in my eyes, and if i had hesitated and took a second look at him, i would've really cried in public. And because of that missed my last chance to take a good look at the face of the person i loved most.

 

As i turned and walked away.. I could faintly hear his quivering voice, telling me to take care.

 

If anyone had a took a video or picture of that scene, I'd say it would look pretty much like the raining rooftop scene in 我的少女時代.. except the fact that i didn't fall down, of course.

 

don't be so selfish and narrowminded. give him some space! you are stubborn too.

You will have the same issue in all relationships.

Sometimes in a relationship we start these powerplays... they only lead to frustration and loneliness.

just meet him and talk!

 

just speak out. Im sure you might end up being together again.

Don't need to be apologetic but just give both of you a chance to jump over your shadow.

[Ben Ben Ben]

Love a guy is so difficult 

[Guest Not sure]

Impossible... any decent gay couple will be reasonable enough and most apologetic on their actions towards one and another ... sounds like a made up story... I could be wrong as I have no relationship experience.. but anyway I hope these things can be solved. 

[samdiggin]

There was a lot i wanted to say but reading till here, I hope you are really ok with the outcome and hopefully find someone who would also give up EVERYTHING to be with you. 

 

Otherwise here's some advice because I self-admit I can be needy at times but not to extreme levels and I have learnt, people all love differently. People communicate differently. You arn't wrong to doubt someone if their actions differ from your expectations. BUT, to even impose your expectations on to someone in the first place, is not really the right way to go about it. We all grew up differently, taught different values. You failed to see that someone who treasures his family, will actually treasure you JUST AS MUCH. If you had stuck around long enough, you would become family to him. 

 

Honestly, I dont know was it just because of ONE incident which led you to be so pissed. I believe in communication. If he failed to inform you he was meeting his friends and probably led you to assume you guys will be meeting, then it's something he should work on. But I feel that, if he were to meet his friends, that doesnt mean he doesn't like you. Neither does he need to plan something for you. He can of course arrange another day to meet with you but this doesnt mean he should be excluded from having his friends. In fact, get him to tell you more about his friends and that will bridge the gap between you two. 

 

You also said he is slightly younger than you. So has he gone to army? Or is IN army? And at this age, when he is not self-sufficient, can he really REALLY imagine a future without his parents just to be with you? I mean, I was once as idealistic as you, thinking as long as we work hard, we can live happily ever after, thinking people ought to love you back just because you are a nice person, but realistically this is not always the case. Eventually, he may face job issues, too stressed to really show you the love you need, are you going to feel pissed because you arn't getting what you think you deserve OR are you going to support him and help. FYI, the former is self-centeredness while the latter is Love. So I hope you can see this clearly. 

 

I came out to my parents. My ex blamed me for everything else that happened because my parents didnt want to accept me and is probably still living in denial. You simply cannot IMAGINE the stress and dilemma a person who just came out can face. And in the face of that, if your partner throws you the "choose them or me" question, do you honestly really think they can decide in that kind of situation. I came out to my parents because I THOUGHT everything could work out and my ex could be part of the family but no. No, it doesnt work like that. I still feel stupid about it till this date and its been 3 years. I mean, really, put yourself in the shoes of the person. 

 

Im not here to judge you but just to ask you firstly, you let yourself grow and learn more about yourself. Why is it you need a partner to ONLY care for you and no one else? Why is it you feel angry the attention isn't on you? Why is it you want to possess your partner to the point where he can't have an enriched life? I tried to answer these questions also when I felt like I was becoming too needy. Ultimately it boils down to what insecurities we have. Do we fear being lonely? Do we fear of having no one to love us? So instead of actually thinking it is SOMEONE ELSE's fault or inability to fulfil these needs, why dont work and love yourself more before even committing to a relationship?

[Guest I feel you]

I think this being your first rs and all.... it should mean the world to him and you. After you go through a few of this experiences, you will come to realize that you would prefer someone who compliment with you rather than just having you and just you in his world.

 

it is always healthy for the mind and soul to have other things than just each other. Personal space, friends, career and etc are really important to sustain a rs in the long run

[Guest guestsober]

Give up the ghost! TROLLS ALERT!

[Guest Blank]

Ts, I can only say you've met someone with a different priority as you. That's all. 

 

Because I've the same mindset as you, I believe in giving my partner everything. But I've learn to realize that not everyone thinks the same as me (and you). I don't think there's anything wrong for others. It's tiring when someone doesn't have the same goal so one day, either you or him compromise or give up. There is no right or wrong really.

[IkuTube]

A week has passed.  Hopefully, the situation with TS has now resolved (one way or another; for better or worse).

For discussion sake ..

Getting into a relationship is not a transaction.  Two individuals have to compromise to be in a relationship.  Together, it needs a win win mindset.  The one thing to remember, as we fall in love and desire to build a relationship, is to recognize that it takes two to tango. 

A relationship is about knowing one self, about the willingness to give and take and accommodating towards a common goal.  One needs to understand that a relationship is about making individuals to feel being new, about complimenting each other and about growth.  It is not about continuing and championing one's past conditioning and habits. The worst to happen is when these conditioning and habits are being imposed onto another human. 

Friction happens especially when we start to know someone new.  Instead of taking it negatively, think that it is about bridging differences.  Each one of us has our own set of habits, fixations and evolution of life.  We cannot and should not assume that the guy we fall in love with has the very same thing.  It can be detrimental to assume so.

To intellectualize a relationship, especially when the relationship is new, is not a good idea.  Intellectualization in itself is already a defense mechanism where it avoids any emotional feelings.  Love is not an intellectual concept.  It is a feeling and not an action.  Love is an experience of sharing.  Only when it is shared and when it is felt, trusted and respected that rules can be set.  In everything new, it is about learning and empowering.  It is about talking things out.  It is about listening too. 

The desire to dominate , whether consciously or unconsciously, on something still so fresh and still so new will not help to harmonize.  It is said that it takes a lifetime to learn how to live.  It is foolish to think that we know someone else just over a short period when we do not even know about ourselves all the time.

A relationship is a journey to redeem the new Self.  A successful relationship meets in the middle.  It is not about manipulation.  It is a welcoming journey to understand oneself better.  Only when we learn to accept at our own imperfections that we acknowledge the goodness and realness of being human.

[Guest Blank]

12 hours ago, IkuTube said:

For discussion sake ..

Getting into a relationship is not a transaction.  Two individuals have to compromise to be in a relationship.  Together, it needs a win win mindset. 

 

I have to disagree with this point about win-win mindset. When there's a disagreement between a couple, true enough they have to compromise but it is NOT a win-win rather a win-lose situation. Because one person will have to give in to the other. Unlike a business transaction, businessmen can have a win-win because of negotiating tangible aspects like price and volume. For rs, how do you even achieve a win-win situation? It's impossible in an intangible environment.

 

I always believe that there is always a winner and loser in a rs, the same goes for a break up: dumper and dumpee. Small disagreement is ok to compromise and give in, but when the compounding factors get too heavy, even the loser is also sick of giving in one fine day. True encounter: my friend broke off with his bf because he felt too tired to go with his bf way though they have compromises and more compromises. His bf then tried to salvage but too late, he didn't love him anymore. So my point is, love is intangible, the measurement is not determined by anyone but how the person weighing the heavy load after all. That's why no matter how I persuade my friend, he doesn't want to try it anymore. Somemore his bf is quite good looking. It is foolish to consider a compromise as a win-win. Each time you do something like this, it is definitely putting a strain on a rs. For those reading, some food for thoughts.

[Steve5380]

On 7/14/2018 at 9:58 PM, Guest BrokenHearted said:

 

Very thoughtful advice. I really wish he would see it your way too. I feel fearful about developing a relationship for 5 or 10 years then have it all end due to a factor that is outside my control. That would be a very hopeless situation..

 

What you write is very understandable.  But, what are the alternatives?  Not developing relationships?

 

ANY relationship, straight or gay,  5 or 10 or more years long can be broken due to a factor that is not in our control.  And the result is a broken heart, which is the strongest emotional pain we can experience.  But we are built to grow through pain. Accept the pain you are suffering now, get support from friends and groups, and you will become pain-by-pain a better person.

[Guest Guest]

On 8/8/2018 at 9:26 PM, Steve5380 said:

 

What you write is very understandable.  But, what are the alternatives?  Not developing relationships?

 

ANY relationship, straight or gay,  5 or 10 or more years long can be broken due to a factor that is not in our control.  And the result is a broken heart, which is the strongest emotional pain we can experience.  But we are built to grow through pain. Accept the pain you are suffering now, get support from friends and groups, and you will become pain-by-pain a better person.

 Was it based on your own experience?

[Guest What]

It's been a while. Interesting to revisit these past conversations (way higher-quality than the threads we see these days, sadly). Hope TS is doing well. 

[Steve5380]

5 hours ago, Guest Guest said:

 Was it based on your own experience?

 

Yes, mostly.  The death of my bf 18 months ago after 21 years together is the strongest emotional pain I have ever felt.  But as a result I am a becoming a better person,  and optimistic about recovering my full happiness.

[Guest Since u r here]

5 hours ago, Guest What said:

It's been a while😕😤🙃. Interesting to revisit these pa🤔t conversations (way higher-qusality than the threads we see these days, sadly). Hope TS is doing well. 

 

High quality?!?!!

 

Threads about such dull things are not serious enough!!!!!!

 

Look at my thread about the coronavirus and my quotes!!!!!

 

As a gay circle, we should show that we are not just about love lust and sauna!!!!!!!!

[Steve5380]

17 hours ago, Guest Since u r here said:

 

High quality?!?!!

 

Threads about such dull things are not serious enough!!!!!!

 

Look at my thread about the coronavirus and my quotes!!!!!

 

As a gay circle, we should show that we are not just about love lust and sauna!!!!!!!!

 

Yes, I would rate this thread as having good material.  Something everyone can relate to.  

In contrast, not much can be said about the coronavirus. 

Hopefully no one here has it or has had it.

[Guest Guest]

On 2/3/2020 at 8:00 AM, Steve5380 said:

 

Yes, mostly.  The death of my bf 18 months ago after 21 years together is the strongest emotional pain I have ever felt.  But as a result I am a becoming a better person,  and optimistic about recovering my full happiness.

 

Errr ... and this person of whom you are right now is what you call a "better" person??? OMG .... just what type of a stinking septic tank did you crawl out from?

[mate69]

Being alone and single is still better and more pain-free

U be your own boss, no need to pander to others' attitude

[Steve5380]

1 hour ago, mate69 said:

Being alone and single is still better and more pain-free

U be your own boss, no need to pander to others' attitude

 

Yes, being alone avoids most conflicts.

But then we have to ask what is of value in this life.

To be one's boss, free of painful conflicts?

Or are more valuable the emotional experiences in relationships?

[Heartless]

Love is overly romanticised...