Gay and Can't Find a Partner?

[heliumduck]

Gay and Can't Find a Partner?

Learn How Gay Men Can Overcome the Hurdles and Find Mr. Right

Posted Sep 07, 2014

 

OK, so, you’re gay, you want to find a partner and eventually a husband; someone with whom to share your life. However, you just can’t seem to meet the right guy or make the right connection. You keep coming up empty-handed, stymied in your efforts, no matter what you try. All of this talk of legalized marriage just seems to make things worse, adding pressure from friends, family, and even yourself.

 

You think, maybe it’s just not possible for gay men to have long-term relationships. There must be some truth to the old joke: “What does a gay man bring on a second date?” Response: “What second date?” You would be ready to throw in the towel, if it weren’t for your best friend who met someone and is now in a happy relationship for the past 2 years—or that middle-aged couple who live in your building and who just celebrated 25 years together with a trip to Paris. So you end up wondering “What’s the matter with me? What am I doing wrong?”

 

As an openly gay man with over thirty years of experience as a therapist, I have seen scores of single gay men sabotage their efforts to find a partner, placing obstacles in their own path —without having the slightest idea as to what they are doing and why. Fortunately, I have also learned how to identify and name these self-defeating and often hidden hurdles—and have discovered that they are beliefs that too many gay men repeat to themselves, often without even knowing it. They are as follows:

 

“The real truth is, I am unlovable.” In my experience, this internalized belief is the poison that prevents some gay men from building a healthy relationship, and also why many mess up the ones they already have. There’s a reason for this. Few of us grow up unscathed by family, peers, and a society hostile to our attractions and behaviors. Some of us have been bullied as children; physically, verbally, and emotionally abused at tender ages by our peers and family members for being gay before we even recognized and understood our same-sex attractions. This toxic internalized belief is further ingrained if we have been treated harshly (or abandoned) by our fathers, the first men in our lives to teach us about our value in the eyes of other males. Sadly, these wounds are difficult to heal, and as a result, can leave gay men with the sense that we are unlovable and thus unworthy of love, affection, and happiness.

 

In my clinical and personal experiences, these feelings can be so deeply hidden as to be difficult to recognize, articulate and resolve. My clients rarely, initially state or even recognize that they feel unworthy of love, but their behaviors tell a different story. One telltale sign is obsessive jealousy. Once in a relationship you may feel a constant need to control the other partner to make sure he stays connected and faithful to you. In addition, you seek never ending reassurance (checking his cell phone, needing to know where he is at all times, demanding he tells you he loves you all of the time--you get the idea). What belies these feelings and behaviors is the fear that you are is so flawed that you cannot attract and keep a partner without monitoring and controlling him—even though these behaviors ironically push him away.

 

 

Another way feeling unlovable manifests is in the choice of partner. Read on.

 

"It is impossible to meet the right guy."No doubt, finding the right partner is not easy. Remember, you are looking for a life mate; that glass slipper is hardly one size fits all, and very few men will qualify. For sure, so much of the gay male world is way too focused on looks, youth, the gym, partying, and fast hookups; so searching for Mr. Right is like looking for a needle in a gaystack. However, feeling subconsciously unlovable or unworthy can again rear its head here through your choices. That muscled, tattooed bad boy is hotter than hell, and great in bed, but is he showing any sign that he is ready to settle down? You seek a man who wants a monogamous relationship, but do you really think you'll find him on Manhunt, Grindr or Scruff? (Trust me, these prowling tigers do not change their stripes once they are hitched.) Perhaps you have a bit of a fetish for the strong silent type. (They always seem to ooze masculinity, don’t they?) But if you need sharing communication and emotional reassurance, you may find that the mysterious brooder is actually an unresponsive “cold fish” after a few months. Is he really the one for you? Or how about the guy who gives you the chase, sending hopelessly mixed signals that are impossible to understand, such as ignoring you for periods of time alternating with romantic texting—leaving you wondering “does he or doesn’t he?” Isn’t this a dead end? (Answer: Yes, honey, it is.)

 

 

Perhaps your close friends have rolled their eyes as they’ve watched you repeatedly making poor partner choices, trying to make husbands out of men who are unavailable. If you find yourself consistently in these patterns, perhaps you are, as the song goes, looking for love in all the wrong places. At a deeper level, this could be an indication that you don’t feel worthy enough to be loved—or, perhaps even more perplexing—you do not really want to be in a relationship and don’t know it yet.

 

“I should be in a relationship.” In the old days, when I was coming out, being gay had more of an outlaw quality. Nonmonogamy was a political statement, and gay rights advocates saw marriage as constrictive, patriarchal, heterocentric, flawed (perhaps due to the 50% failure rate) and therefore not worthy of pursuit, especially in light of how gay men of the era were still getting ejected from their jobs, homes, families and blackmailed and arrested for who they were. For sure, the pendulum has swung far in the other direction. Contrary to heterosexual fears, legal gay marriage has given the institution an enormous boost in importance. Where it’s legal, same sex couples are getting married in droves, and some gay weddings are so theatrical and over the top that they can actually be intimidating (See the Saturday Night Live skit: Xanax for Gay Weddings http://vimeo.com/67930171%20for a hilarious send up of this phenomenon). This can all translate into feelings of pressure to couple up. Unfortunately, along with legal marriage comes the risk of inheriting straight society’s “couple-centrism,” which is the idea that being single is wrong, sad, and a sign of psychological problems that need to be “fixed.” This is just plain wrong. Not everyone needs to be in a couple nor should be. Many single gay men are happy, valuing their autonomy and personal freedom (like the muscled bad boy described above). There are things many men have to give up to be in a couple. No problem there, but one needs to be honest with oneself about his true needs and wants and do the (hard) work of freeing oneself from societal and family pressures.

 

Like that girl in Frozen, you need to “let it go.” Perhaps your hurdle is a previous relationship that you just can’t shake. I have worked with many gay widowers—guys with good relationship track records, who are anxiously seeking a new mate, but are sabotaging themselves in the ways described above. Upon close examination, we jointly discovered their worry that if they got romantically involved with someone else, they would be abandoning their previous mate. I have had several grieving gay men tell me: “If I move on, it will be like I am forgetting him” which is just not true.

A variation of this theme is when a relationship ends, but you just don’t want to let go of it—even if the guy is still alive. You might still be living together, or stay best friends. You are no longer official partners, but worry if you met someone, he would be upset—or perhaps you would, because it would be too painful to finally say good bye.

 

A wise teacher once told me that once we have been in a relationship, it never really fully ends—Even if we have been divorced or our partner has died, the heart never fully lets go. However, the good news is the heart’s capacity is not limited by physical space. Instead of getting rid of the old loves, the heart makes room for new ones—but we have to be willing to open up and welcome them. .

 

So, how do we figure out what’s getting in the way and how do we fix it? Here are some ideas:

Know Thyself. For sure, a first step is to recognize your patterns. Does anything you have read thus far seem familiar? Even a little bit? Take the time to reflect on your behavior and how you might be getting in your own way. You might even ask one of your good, trusted girlfriends (of any gender) for their honest feedback. Be sure to give them permission to risk hurting your feelings. It might sting but it could be worth it.

 

Love Thyself. Many people just keep making the same mistakes without taking the time to pause, breathe and figure out what’s really happening. Do this in a loving way, giving yourself the messages of compassion, patience and acceptance—no beating yourself up! (Hasn’t the world done that to you enough?) Reflect upon what you learned from your family and peers about how lovable you are—or aren’t (!) Remember, as a gay man, you have survived lots of indirect and direct messages that there was something wrong with you, which has left scars. You are not alone. Gay men have been taught to be think of ourselves as unlovable. So now, make a promise yourself to intercept and interrupt any self-talk that continues this tendency.

 

Therapy? I am not one of those therapists who think everyone needs psychotherapy. Many can figure out their behavioral patterns on their own and then proceed to change them. However, a good therapist can help you understand how wounds from the past, long-believed to be dead and buried, can reemerge like zombies when and where you least expect them. He or she can do this by helping you, 1) identify how you are getting in your own way; 2) figure out why you are doing this; 3) help you find ways to love yourself better and thus free you up to find men who are, in turn, healthy and good husband material, or 4) live happily single, as you were meant to be.

In the words of one our most prominent modern day philosophers, Ru Paul (who else?): “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you ever gonna’ love someone else? Can I get an Amen?” Amen!

[fab]

Nothing shocking.

 

Gays r fussier than straights.

 

[Guest hello]

hard to find love in sg as this country will only love you according to RACE

[Guest Glyph]

I like how folks stereotype gay guys as more fussy, feminine or otherwise straight-acting. How come I don't hear effeminate straight guys saying they're gay-acting, hmm? When will people stop beating themselves up? Is it that hard being yourself?

 

1 hour ago, Guest hello said:

hard to find love in sg as this country will only love you according to RACE

 

Welcome to Singapore. 

[lonelyglobe]

Not only sg but other nationality as well.....

 

"love thyself" - I always find this an irony, because we have love ourselves too much, we have no time/space to love others

[nicjude]

It's no secret that gay guys are terribly superficial about their idea of preference; you can tell by how they refer to their personal preferences as some holy grail of sorts. Race is a big factor, size and amount of body hair is as well. You'll probably seldom really find a guy who'll look past skin-deep qualities and appreciate another guy for who he is. 

 

In all honesty, we claim to be all so fuddy-duddy about "love" and how everything we do seems to have that; the dark reality is that we'll never have that truly made for us, because we don't even understand it. The straights are correct for calling us out on our hypocrisy, and it's a reality I'm quite disappointed about. 

[Guest PLENTUY]

Nowadays being who you are whether you are a good partner or not doesnt matter anymore, everything goes to whether you have better race, status and looks. There are few people i know that they are with their bf not because of their bfs personality but rather because their like ang moh, or have car, or have body etc. 

 

 

[Guest Fatty]

Must be rich and drive a car as well

[Fit4Masc]

We come to this world alone and we will leave it alone (unless you are part of a twin or triplets)  Anything that comes along to accompany us through this journey of life, will be nice and much appreciated.  Otherwise we each have our own destination to go to.

Edited August 12, 2018 by Fit4Masc

[fab]

Relationship is a luxury.

 

No one dies from singlehood.

[riverrobles]

Another thing blocking me is me being closeted, I always tell myself how would I be truthful to a person and 100% loving to a person if I myself can not even be truthful to my family. So that's basically my dilemma, there are nice guys, a lot of nice guys, I think the only problem is me.

[Guest Scott Sheveland]

I hope you continue to have such quality articles to share with everyone! I believe a lot of people will be surprised to read this article!

gmail login
 

[Guest guest]

On Friday, August 10, 2018 at 11:03 AM, Guest PLENTUY said:

There are few people i know that they are with their bf not because of their bfs personality but rather because their like ang moh, or have car, or have body etc. 

 

 

Tis is very true. Especially in gay circle

[Steve5380]

On 8/13/2018 at 6:12 AM, riverrobles said:

Another thing blocking me is me being closeted, I always tell myself how would I be truthful to a person and 100% loving to a person if I myself can not even be truthful to my family. So that's basically my dilemma, there are nice guys, a lot of nice guys, I think the only problem is me.

 

And should FAMILY be an insurmountable obstacle?  

 

We owe our family gratitude, respect, love.  They owe us gratitude, respect, love.  This consideration should apply nearly exclusively to our parents or persons who raised us,  and to our children if we have any.  That is, it is relevant for the most immediate family.  The fourth Commandment says "Honor thy father and thy mother"   It does not say "honor your siblings, nephews and more distant family members".

 

And as parents our first concern for the children should be THEIR HAPPINESS.  Not what they give us in form of prestige, money, other satisfactions.

If the child is homosexual and his happiness depends on following his orientation,  it is the DUTY of his parents to support him in that.

Otherwise they are not good parents,  they violate the natural generational link.

 

Are your parents homophobic?  Would they reject you if you come out to them? 

If so you are not the problem, but your parents are.

and you simply need to build up the strength to resolve this problem, which your parents DESERVE to be confronted with.

In the meantime, don't worry about being "untruthful" to them for not coming out. "Truthfulness" is a mistaken quality,

the right one is to be able to handle the truth carefully, giving it out or withholding it wisely.

Don't wait until you are old, or until your parents die first.

.

Edited August 15, 2018 by Steve5380

[Steve5380]

On 8/12/2018 at 6:21 AM, fab said:

Relationship is a luxury.

 

 

Relationships are a natural part of our lives.

To reject them is to deprive us from valuable experience.

 

[Guest Blank]

On 8/10/2018 at 10:13 AM, nicjude said:

It's no secret that gay guys are terribly superficial about their idea of preference; you can tell by how they refer to their personal preferences as some holy grail of sorts. Race is a big factor, size and amount of body hair is as well. You'll probably seldom really find a guy who'll look past skin-deep qualities and appreciate another guy for who he is. 

 

In all honesty, we claim to be all so fuddy-duddy about "love" and how everything we do seems to have that; the dark reality is that we'll never have that truly made for us, because we don't even understand it. The straights are correct for calling us out on our hypocrisy, and it's a reality I'm quite disappointed about. 

 

You like this say is not correct already. Relationship is not as simple as looking past skin deep and accept anyone that comes into your life. You need to like what you see in the guy, feel happy meeting him, comfortable to talk and all these must be applicable to him too. That's called mutual love, he wants you as much as you want him. Love is more than that, there is a lot of talk, pain of understanding, giving in to each other, using our limited time to be together in a difficult way because we are brought up with different views...

 

Preference is what every human is entitled to. Can i force you to love anyone who is single and look past skin deep qualities? Can you love anyone just because he confessed to you? Even you have preference, right?

[riverrobles]

On 8/16/2018 at 1:41 AM, Steve5380 said:

 

And should FAMILY be an insurmountable obstacle?  

 

We owe our family gratitude, respect, love.  They owe us gratitude, respect, love.  This consideration should apply nearly exclusively to our parents or persons who raised us,  and to our children if we have any.  That is, it is relevant for the most immediate family.  The fourth Commandment says "Honor thy father and thy mother"   It does not say "honor your siblings, nephews and more distant family members".

 

And as parents our first concern for the children should be THEIR HAPPINESS.  Not what they give us in form of prestige, money, other satisfactions.

If the child is homosexual and his happiness depends on following his orientation,  it is the DUTY of his parents to support him in that.

Otherwise they are not good parents,  they violate the natural generational link.

 

Are your parents homophobic?  Would they reject you if you come out to them? 

If so you are not the problem, but your parents are.

and you simply need to build up the strength to resolve this problem, which your parents DESERVE to be confronted with.

In the meantime, don't worry about being "untruthful" to them for not coming out. "Truthfulness" is a mistaken quality,

the right one is to be able to handle the truth carefully, giving it out or withholding it wisely.

Don't wait until you are old, or until your parents die first.

.

 

Thanks for the good advice @Steve5380. 

[amuse.ed]

Can anyone shed some comments on this? 

"5 Ways to Tell That You've Really Found the Right Partner"

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

Edited March 21, 2020 by amuse.ed

[Guest Mary]

27 minutes ago, amuse.ed said:

Can anyone shed some comments on this? 

"5 Ways to Tell That You've Really Found the Right Partner"

1. You must be very bored

2. Keep yourself updated with MUCH more important news 

3. If u have the time to waste here, go on Google, such topic abundance 

4. is time BW come up with some interesting , intellectual topics 

5. All of the above