Caught between a rock and a hard place

[JTM]

Not sure when i realized this, gays cannot be trusted. (Including me).

 

I'm not sure if anyone is in the same situation as me. 

I'm kinda constantly stuck in a cheating>guilty>cheat cycle i wish to stop.

 

I'm always horny, and constantly looking for new people to have fun (Safe all the time) with. Mostly not successful (i'm not gonna lie, there's  definitely successful ones) as guilt usually kicks in. 

i'm not sure if this is because i'm just a whore inside that constantly want to explore new men's body or it's a mental sickness that can be cured by seeing a psychologist.

 

I would not complain that my partner is not satisfying my sexual needs as he's good and i can also feel that he tried to satisfy me on everything. After having countless debate in my head, deep down, i felt that there are still many things (3some, sauna sex - which i have not tried) i wanted to try, many different people (Different body size, races, age) i wanted to try sex with.

On the other end, i feel extremely guilty for doing these or even having these thoughts to my relationship.

 

I have no will power to resist temptation, not sure if i'm even cut for relationships.

 

 

Anyone experience the same and got out of the situation before? Please advise me on how.

Or is anyone who's in a stable relationship constantly looking for new experiences? please share your experience.

 

Please don't judge me, I know what i did (Cheat) is not a good thing, but i can't help it and trying to seek advise from experienced people in the forum=/

 

 

 

[Steve5380]

36 minutes ago, JTM said:

Not sure when i realized this, gays cannot be trusted. (Including me).

 

I'm not sure if anyone is in the same situation as me. 

I'm kinda constantly stuck in a cheating>guilty>cheat cycle i wish to stop.

 

 

It is smart to realize that MANY people cannot be trusted,  but this is not limited to gays.

 

You don't need to be in a cheating-guilt-cheating cycle.  You seem well suited for an OPEN relationship with a gay who loves you and doesn't mind you having sex with others.  And if he really loves you, he may be concerned if you have TOO MUCH SEX with TOO MANY PARTNERS.   As you know,  the PROBABILITY to catch STDs, especially the serious ones like HIV and hepatitis, increases with your sex activity.  To be super horny is neither a physical defect nor a defect of character, but you may want to explore ways to get the numerous orgasms you need in safer ways.  One way is to get off by your own hand the majority of times, while you cultivate a vast supply of fantasies.  And then,  every once in a while, you try to materialize your fantasies with some guy.  It could happen,...  that you will like your fantasies more than some real guy!   Once you have strong fantasies, you may enjoy writing erotic stories and, again, place yourself in the stories and j.o. to your content.  

 

It is natural that you have curiosity and want to try other forms of sex like 3-somes and visit gay saunas.  Again, plan these for your real-life sex in between your hand jobs, and maybe... why not? your partner may be willing to go with you!   Be smart, be honest with your partner, and the "cheating" will go away.  And so should go away the GUILT.   Then, reject immediately any remaining guilt with which the deceiving religious people want to poison your brain,  

and feel free of guilt, retaining only the IMPORTANT concern for your health by using protection or not doing the most risky acts like anal sex.

.

Edited September 18, 2018 by Steve5380

[JTM]

7 minutes ago, Steve5380 said:

 

It is smart to realize that MANY people cannot be trusted,  but this is not limited to gays.

 

You don't need to be in a cheating-guilt-cheating cycle.  You seem well suited for an OPEN relationship with a gay who loves you and doesn't mind you having sex with others.  And if he really loves you, he may be concerned if you have TOO MUCH SEX with TOO MANY PARTNERS.   As you know,  the PROBABILITY to catch STDs, especially the serious ones like HIV and hepatitis, increases with your sex activity.  To be super horny is neither a physical defect nor a defect of character, but you may want to explore ways to get the numerous orgasms you need in safer ways.  One way is to get off by your own hand the majority of times, while you cultivate a vast supply of fantasies.  And then,  every once in a while, you try to materialize your fantasies with some guy.  It could happen,...  that you will like your fantasies more than some real guy!   Once you have strong fantasies, you may enjoy writing erotic stories and, again, place yourself in the stories and j.o. to your content.  

 

It is natural that you have curiosity and want to try other forms of sex like 3-somes and visit gay saunas.  Again, plan these for your real-life sex in between your hand jobs, and maybe... why not? your partner may be willing to go with you!   Be smart, be honest with your partner, and the "cheating" will go away.  And so should go away the GUILT.   Then, reject immediately and remaining guilt with which the deceiving religious people want to poison your brain,  

and feel free of guilt, retaining only the IMPORTANT concern for your health by using protection or not doing the most risky acts like anal sex.

Thanks for giving me your 2 cents.

 

I believe that i've tried satisfying myself with my own hand fantasizing erotic actions, but it doesn't really or rather truly satisfy me. 

(Not sure if a guy can be truly satisfied by his own hand for a long period)

 

Yea, i do agree with you that the risk of Diseases like HIV and stuff increases as the number of sexual activities with different people in increase, that's actually part of the reason why my meet ups don't happen often as well. I always went through the talk dirty> schedule for meet up, and constantly back out on the meet up either due to guilt or health consciousness hit me. So far, for the hook ups that i've involved, it's mostly safe (e.g. Blow jobs, hand jobs, where i wash or inspect the dick i suck to prevent diseases like HPV), i also ensure that anal are always with condom and only at circumstances that i'm super super horny. Even for these activities, some times i'm caught in the agony of having even the slightest possibility of catching the diseases. However, that's not really the point of this thread, the point of this thread is to see if anyone was stuck in the same situation as me, and got out of it.

 

I could not be honest with my partner as i've already stepped into these experiences (Cheated), not because i'm afraid of being confronted, it's because i'm afraid of breaking his heart. That's why now i'm kinda seeking solution to stop doing these. But in order to do that, i need to seek more advise from people around.

[lonelyglobe]

Ask yourself a few qs:

When u sick, is your fuck buddy or partner going to take care of u?

When u r old, will your fb still be interested in u?

When u need anything other than sex, who will be there for u?

Hope u have found your answer.

[JTM]

2 minutes ago, lonelyglobe said:

Ask yourself a few qs:

When u sick, is your fuck buddy or partner going to take care of u?

When u r old, will your fb still be interested in u?

When u need anything other than sex, who will be there for u?

Hope u have found your answer.

The answer is my Partner will be the only one who take cares of me, i'm fully aware what is the right thing to do rationally, that's why i'm seeking advise on how to resist the temptation. 

[lonelyglobe]

No one can help u to resist temptation, only u yourself can do it.

[JTM]

2 minutes ago, lonelyglobe said:

No one can help u to resist temptation, only u yourself can do it.

Thank for your 2 cents, 

 

So in your opinion, only way out is to resist temptation with sheer will power.

[Guest Glyph]

6 minutes ago, JTM said:

9 minutes ago, lonelyglobe said:

No one can help u to resist temptation, only u yourself can do it.

Thank for your 2 cents, 

 

So in your opinion, only way out is to resist temptation with sheer will power.

 

It's not an opinion, it's a fact. Your mind decides what you want to do with your body. If you can't handle being honest, then carry on lying—be it to yourself that you deny yourself of pleasure from others, or to your bf that you'll be in bed with someone else.

 

This is why people shouldn't get into a monogamous relationship without knowing what they want lah. Put yourself into a tricky position then expect a miracle to happen.

[JTM]

3 minutes ago, Glyph said:

 

It's not an opinion, it's a fact. Your mind decides what you want to do with your body. If you can't handle being honest, then carry on lying—be it to yourself that you deny yourself of pleasure from others, or to your bf that you'll be in bed with someone else.

 

This is why people shouldn't get into a monogamous relationship without knowing what they want lah. Put yourself into a tricky position then expect a miracle to happen.

 

That's exactly what i'm going through now, Lie to myself to deny pleasure, or to my partner to be true to what i want.

 

Sigh.... life is hard....u have any advise on what should i do at this stage or realization after being in a monogamous relationship?

[Guest Glyph]

I don't know what you should do. But if it was me, I'd come clean.

 

I believe sometimes a little pain is necessary to facilitate growth.

[JTM]

29 minutes ago, Glyph said:

I don't know what you should do. But if it was me, I'd come clean.

 

I believe that sometimes a little pain is necessary to facilitate growth.

Thanks for your 2 cents.

 

Come clean = break up already. 

 

You're looking at once cheated, then let the other party know even if you know that it would cause break ups? 

What if you are able to find a solution and bring this (Cheating agendas) to the grave, and repent your wrongs by treating him with sincerity? (could this make any difference?)

 

However, this thread is meant to seek advise on people who was in this situation, and able to re mediate such situation (if it's remediable). At the moment, i would not choose to come clean as it will be a conclusive action. Maybe once i've gather more advise, i'll consider this action.

 

thank you.

 

[Guest Glyph]

55 minutes ago, JTM said:

Thanks for your 2 cents.

 

Come clean = break up already. 

 

You're looking at once cheated, then let the other party know even if you know that it would cause break ups? 

What if you are able to find a solution and bring this (Cheating agendas) to the grave, and repent your wrongs by treating him with sincerity? (could this make any difference?)

 

However, this thread is meant to seek advise on people who was in this situation, and able to re mediate such situation (if it's remediable). At the moment, i would not choose to come clean as it will be a conclusive action. Maybe once i've gather more advise, i'll consider this action.

 

thank you.

 

Yeah, I'm rather selfish in the sense that I don't want to lie to my partner, even if at the expense of his feelings, which is also why I wouldn't put myself in a situation where I'd have to. But since you're caught up in your circumstances then you should know better. Whether you wanna be completely honest, or if you'd mediate between the truth and the lie. Whatever floats your boat.

 

But if you'd ask me, you already know what the options are. You refuse to take action because none of them yields only positive results, and you know this.

[Peterjty]

I agree with Glyph. 

 

9 minutes ago, Glyph said:

 

Yeah, I'm rather selfish in the sense that I don't want to lie to my partner, even if at the expense of his feelings, which is also why I wouldn't put myself in a situation where I'd have to. But since you're caught up in your circumstances then you should know better. Whether you wanna be completely honest, or if you'd mediate between the truth and the lie. Whatever floats your boat.

 

But if you'd ask me, you already know what the options are. You refuse to take action because none of them yields only positive results, and you know this.

 

[pittsburgh]

Thanks, JTM, for sharing with us your conundrum. My partner and I have been together for almost a decade and we know each other inside out. My partner and I have different levels of sexual needs and we communicate, negotiate and troubleshoot with each other a lot. Most of the time there isn't a straight forward solution but we learnt to focus on our compatibilities. I personally have a slightly liberal attitude towards the issue of open relationships and polyamory and so would not subscribe fully to a monogamous lifestyle. From our experiences and those of our couple friends, we have had very healthy and exciting sex lives between ourselves (using sex toys, food, clothes, etc.) as well as with others. Sex in all forms can be found online, on apps, on cam, via cruising, via massages, via reading, and via all sorts of sports and other physical bonding activities, which may or may not lead to genital arousal. Try exploring phone sex with your partner and others too if you haven't. Hope this answers some of your queries. See also https://dearstraightpeople.com/2018/08/13/out-of-the-closet-paul-ng/ 

[Guest Blank]

Then break off with bf and be single. Have all the fun you want. 

 

Isn't this what you want? 

[JTM]

47 minutes ago, pittsburgh said:

Thanks, JTM, for sharing with us your conundrum. My partner and I have been together for almost a decade and we know each other inside out. My partner and I have different levels of sexual needs and we communicate, negotiate and troubleshoot with each other a lot. Most of the time there isn't a straight forward solution but we learnt to focus on our compatibilities. I personally have a slightly liberal attitude towards the issue of open relationships and polyamory and so would not subscribe fully to a monogamous lifestyle. From our experiences and those of our couple friends, we have had very healthy and exciting sex lives between ourselves (using sex toys, food, clothes, etc.) as well as with others. Sex in all forms can be found online, on apps, on cam, via cruising, via massages, via reading, and via all sorts of sports and other physical bonding activities, which may or may not lead to genital arousal. Try exploring phone sex with your partner and others too if you haven't. Hope this answers some of your queries. See also https://dearstraightpeople.com/2018/08/13/out-of-the-closet-paul-ng/ 

I'm really happy that your way of relationship worked (Polyamory), unfortunately, i did not started the relationship with the open option =/. 

 

I really do appreciate your input, atleast i have a different perspective on how this can actually work. 

Yea, as mentioned, you've given me great analysis on my circumstances and what are the possible action i could choose to proceed. 

However, i need to really evaluate them before making any moves. I don't want to regret as i am now.

 

If i ever end this relationship, i would attempt on a more open (Polyamory) relationship in the future.

[JTM]

5 minutes ago, Guest Blank said:

Then break off with bf and be single. Have all the fun you want. 

 

Isn't this what you want? 

that's not what i want, if i wanted that, i would have done it without posting a thread here to seek advice.

[LeanMature]

42 minutes ago, JTM said:

that's not what i want, if i wanted that, i would have done it without posting a thread here to seek advice.

 

Advice won't work.  Change has to come from within.  Either him or them.

[Guest Blank]

1 hour ago, JTM said:

that's not what i want, if i wanted that, i would have done it without posting a thread here to seek advice.

So you wanna be monogamous now instead of cheating? 

 

Then you have to control your own desires. Ask your bf to satisfy your high sex drive and go take up a hobby to divert your horny thoughts. There are people who are so busy that they have no time to ejaculate and only do it once a week or more 

 

The change lies in your hands. Just like we can't force you to gym 5times a week with different sets of workout. And we definitely can't chain you up lol 

[EasleyLim]

I think you need to tell your partner to do a STD check. You owe your partner that much.

 

You literally can't remain monogamous, lmao. Did you think about how you would be breaking your partner's heart whenever you cheat on him? I don't think so leh. Just do both of you a favor and tell him you have cheated on him multiple times lah.

Edited September 18, 2018 by EasleyLim

[doncoin]

@JTM Instead of playing solo with others, and causing this whole vicious cycle, have you consider including your partner/bf in your trysts?

 

We all have sexual fantasies and things we like to explore and experience sexually. In a relationship, it is important to share those things with your partner and discuss how you can both achieve those fantasies/experience, and what is the comfort level, where to draw the line. The communication and honesty will help manage expectations for both of you. Instead of isolating your partner, bring him in. He may share some similar fantasies as you. 

 

My bf and I have similar lifestyles to some of the guys who shared here about their sex lives. While we are not 100% open, we have played with others as a couple. We had a honest conversation prior to plunging in that direction, and we made sure we are both comfortable. More importantly, you need to think of the whole experience as a couple. We had been monogamous for about 4 years plus at that point. Sex was great and satisfying, but we both know there are things we want to try and explore. Not so much about meeting another guy, but something different. We had done all the things we can think of at that point, I think, to keep sex life fun and interesting- sex toys, underwear, beach, hotel, car, plane... etc. 

 

Anyway, it just happened naturally during sex when we shared our sexual fantasies, and we decided that it will be something we would both want to experience. Without any real planning, our first 3-some happened when we were at a hotel pool chatting with another guy and one thing led to another. It was fun, interesting, and what made it hot, was after the guy left, we continued fucking like animals. The 3rd guy was just a cherry on top of the cake. 

 

Since then, we have played as a couple and explored other situations with other people, but it is not a regular thing. Sex with my bf is still the hottest sex. We have grown accustomed to each other's bodies, and know where the erogenous zones are etc. versus whenever you have someone new and taking time to figure it out. 

 

So, have a conversation with the partner. See what he thinks. Figure out a way to play together or go your separate ways. 

Edited September 18, 2018 by doncoin

[Guest Sas]

Like Easley said, you should ask him to get tested for STDs especially HIV (touch wood).

 

I think you should come clean with your boyfriend. Everyone deserves the truth (most would rather take the harsh truth than a beautiful lie), and you're being really unfair to him with your deception. He agreed to a monogamous relationship, NOT to living a lie. Imagine how hurt he would feel knowing you're unfaithful. How do you sleep at night?

 

I'm sorry if I sound harsh. Honestly I get that there are people out there who just aren't fit for monogamy. That's fine. If having really wild, promiscuous sex life is your thing, I can respect that. Go flock together with others like you. 

 

But DON'T drag an unwilling , unknowing party into something he didn't agree to. I really hate liars. Even now, you still want to keep up the lie. You don't want to come clean with him. You don't respect him enough to let him know the truth.

 

Pathetic.

 

 

[Steve5380]

11 hours ago, JTM said:

However, that's not really the point of this thread, the point of this thread is to see if anyone was stuck in the same situation as me, and got out of it.

 

I could not be honest with my partner as i've already stepped into these experiences (Cheated), not because i'm afraid of being confronted, it's because i'm afraid of breaking his heart. That's why now i'm kinda seeking solution to stop doing these. But in order to do that, i need to seek more advise from people around.

 

Maybe you are misunderstood thinking that you "are stuck" in an unusual situation.  We all find ourselves getting much less sex than we would like to.  Your situation is not uncommon.

If there were easy solutions you would have found one already.  Your expectation to find one here is unreasonable.

 

I think that it is inevitable that your partner's heart will be broken.  Either by your own words soon, or by some ugly realization later.  The former is the kindest way.

It seems that you need to be open with him and try to negotiate. See what it is that hurts him by your promiscuity.   Is it moral principles brought by religious indoctrination?  Is it fear that you may get seduced by another guy and leave him?  Is it some repulsion to contact your body that is being touched by who knows how many?  Fear of contracting STDs you catch from others?   Once you know what it is, then you may be able to work around the problem,  like going together to counseling to get dispelled the false immorality,  give him plenty of evidence of your love for him,  have a plan of frequent testing for STDs, and finally...  why not?  put your urges for so much promiscuity under control and learn to live WITH LESS THAN TOTAL SATISFACTION OF YOUR DESIRES. 

 

Imagine that you are obese with a serious case of diabetes type II,  and you come here seeking advice on how to improve while still pigging out on tons of junk food!  "Has anyone been stuck in a situation where you cannot resist eating all the poisonous stuff you want? "  Or: "I lost my job and run out of money, but I cannot resist my temptation of buying expensive sports cars"   If you expect easy solutions to these, you should be laughed out of the forum!

.

Edited September 18, 2018 by Steve5380

[Guest main problem]

8 hours ago, JTM said:

Thanks for your 2 cents.

 

Come clean = break up already. 

 

You're looking at once cheated, then let the other party know even if you know that it would cause break ups? 

What if you are able to find a solution and bring this (Cheating agendas) to the grave, and repent your wrongs by treating him with sincerity? (could this make any difference?)

 

However, this thread is meant to seek advise on people who was in this situation, and able to re mediate such situation (if it's remediable). At the moment, i would not choose to come clean as it will be a conclusive action. Maybe once i've gather more advise, i'll consider this action.

 

thank you.

 

 

The main problem is that we can't assess how your partner will react if you open up. it's very difficult to advise you.

how long have you been together?

Often a partner will have suspicion but he prefers to keep quiet and shuts his eyes.

Maybe he's even in the same situation as you?

Eventually you should try 3somes and see how he reacts.

Some of my coupled friends even meet regular couples to spice up the sex life.

 

I admit I couldn't resist too. We nearly broke up because by taking revenge he started relationships with other guys which I told him off. Nowadays we do our own separate "business trips" but in Singapore we try to stay sober. We won't ask each other and he gave up checking my phone and suitcase.

But we're still a loving couple of 20 years.

My last advice is: Keep the sex with your partner as long as possible and surprise him with new things and plenty of cuddling and kissing.

Show him your love...

I hope for you that he's reasonable and that you both built something more trusting than focussing your relationship on sex only...

 

 

[Guest Let There Be Light]

While TS choice may not favor most, it is bad taste to involve implication on  negative sexual infliction.  Doing so, is like putting a curse on him.  He has already stated that he knows it - "Yea, i do agree with you that the risk of Diseases like HIV and stuff increases as the number of sexual activities with different people in increase, that's actually part of the reason why my meet ups don't happen often as well."

 

Obviously, the fact is he is able to be honest here and readily exposing himself from judgement, what he needs is for him to understand the psychological chaos.  Obviously, there is some kind of internal disorder - emotionally, mentally and perhaps, spiritually.  He is trying to help himself.  By helping himself, he hopes he is helping his partner too.  While the connection of the two may sound irrational - already the fact that one plays around while in relationship is not 100% acceptable, his hope to make them right is the first right thing.  Already, TS owns his fault here.

 

A relationship is a two way thing.  I am sure, just as much there is something not so right about TS, there is also something that is not so right about his  partner.  I salute TS for painting himself as the bad guy here while protecting the partner to be the better one. 

 

To TS .. 

 

You need to understand your own dilemma.  You need to know why the constant urges and what causing them?  Having some knowledge on these issues will find you the courage to open them up to your partner.  You need to find that right time to share with him.  Only love and understanding will bring the two of you towards better acceptance of each other.   Nobody is perfect but to own your imperfection is insightful for better future.

 

Every human is unique.  And so is every relationship.  What may work for others may not work for you.  What works for you may not work for others.  But what will work? - It is having a common loving goal in having a want with faith and trust.

 

 

[Guest flings]

5 hours ago, Guest Let There Be Light said:

While TS choice may not favor most, it is bad taste to involve implication on  negative sexual infliction.  Doing so, is like putting a curse on him.  He has already stated that he knows it - "Yea, i do agree with you that the risk of Diseases like HIV and stuff increases as the number of sexual activities with different people in increase, that's actually part of the reason why my meet ups don't happen often as well."

 

Obviously, the fact is he is able to be honest here and readily exposing himself from judgement, what he needs is for him to understand the psychological chaos.  Obviously, there is some kind of internal disorder - emotionally, mentally and perhaps, spiritually.  He is trying to help himself.  By helping himself, he hopes he is helping his partner too.  While the connection of the two may sound irrational - already the fact that one plays around while in relationship is not 100% acceptable, his hope to make them right is the first right thing.  Already, TS owns his fault here.

 

A relationship is a two way thing.  I am sure, just as much there is something not so right about TS, there is also something that is not so right about his  partner.  I salute TS for painting himself as the bad guy here while protecting the partner to be the better one. 

 

To TS .. 

 

You need to understand your own dilemma.  You need to know why the constant urges and what causing them?  Having some knowledge on these issues will find you the courage to open them up to your partner.  You need to find that right time to share with him.  Only love and understanding will bring the two of you towards better acceptance of each other.   Nobody is perfect but to own your imperfection is insightful for better future.

 

Every human is unique.  And so is every relationship.  What may work for others may not work for you.  What works for you may not work for others.  But what will work? - It is having a common loving goal in having a want with faith and trust.

 

 

 

THERE IS NOTHING THE THREADSTARTER CAN TAKE HOME FROM YOUR POST...

If you appeal on faithfulness you ask him to abstain having fun with outsiders...

I don't understand what you want him to do?

[stock-top]

8 hours ago, Guest Let There Be Light said:

While TS choice may not favor most, it is bad taste to involve implication on  negative sexual infliction.  Doing so, is like putting a curse on him.  He has already stated that he knows it - "Yea, i do agree with you that the risk of Diseases like HIV and stuff increases as the number of sexual activities with different people in increase, that's actually part of the reason why my meet ups don't happen often as well."

 

Obviously, the fact is he is able to be honest here and readily exposing himself from judgement, what he needs is for him to understand the psychological chaos.  Obviously, there is some kind of internal disorder - emotionally, mentally and perhaps, spiritually.  He is trying to help himself.  By helping himself, he hopes he is helping his partner too.  While the connection of the two may sound irrational - already the fact that one plays around while in relationship is not 100% acceptable, his hope to make them right is the first right thing.  Already, TS owns his fault here.

 

A relationship is a two way thing.  I am sure, just as much there is something not so right about TS, there is also something that is not so right about his  partner.  I salute TS for painting himself as the bad guy here while protecting the partner to be the better one. 

 

To TS .. 

 

You need to understand your own dilemma.  You need to know why the constant urges and what causing them?  Having some knowledge on these issues will find you the courage to open them up to your partner.  You need to find that right time to share with him.  Only love and understanding will bring the two of you towards better acceptance of each other.   Nobody is perfect but to own your imperfection is insightful for better future.

 

Every human is unique.  And so is every relationship.  What may work for others may not work for you.  What works for you may not work for others.  But what will work? - It is having a common loving goal in having a want with faith and trust.

 

 

Best advice so far with insight! 

[Guest Let There Be Light]

11 hours ago, Guest flings said:

 

THERE IS NOTHING THE THREADSTARTER CAN TAKE HOME FROM YOUR POST...

If you appeal on faithfulness you ask him to abstain having fun with outsiders...

I don't understand what you want him to do?

 

 

I appreciate the CAPS.  I guess the reason (why it  is used) is a stern stand that TS will not "take home" my post.  And that is exactly the intention.  I truly hope my post is not going to influence him into doing what may not work for him. 

 

The intention is for him to find out for himself.   What is his next best alternative?  What he wishes to accomplish (though he had indicated some in his posts)? He needs to own (his actions and reactions) for himself while striking a balance for his partner.   

 

"The main problem is that we can't assess how your partner will react if you open up. it's very difficult to advise you." (As quoted in one posting) -- It is such statement that we have to be neutral.

 

What is his next best alternative?  What he wishes to accomplish?

 

We make choices in life and that same choice can have different consequences to every individuals.  All actions have consequences.  But to have consequences work,  every actions start with (as I mentioned in my post) "a common loving goal in having a want with faith and trust".  TS needs to own his weaknesses and have them understood.   When he is able to understand them, his sharing with his  partner will have a better realization.

 

Only with such open sharing and when the root problem is identified and established that "flings" (should this be the next best alternative) can work.  This consequence, however, is for him and his partner to choose and make.  

 

To TS ..

 

You mentioned that "I'm kinda constantly stuck in a cheating>guilty>cheat cycle".  This is a good start - an honest self admission.  My question, are you afraid of not being accepted?  Be it socially or in your relationship?

 

[HydroNaut]

On 9/18/2018 at 12:41 PM, JTM said:

Thank for your 2 cents, 

 

So in your opinion, only way out is to resist temptation with sheer will power.

 

Your solution is 葵花宝典。要得救，必先自宫。：）

 

[JTM]

28 minutes ago, Guest Let There Be Light said:

 

I appreciate the CAPS.  I guess the reason (why it  is used) is a stern stand that TS will not "take home" my post.  And that is exactly the intention.  I truly hope my post is not going to influence him into doing what may not work for him. 

 

The intention is for him to find out for himself.   What is his next best alternative?  What he wishes to accomplish (though he had indicated some in his posts)? He needs to own (his actions and reactions) for himself while striking a balance for his partner.   

 

"The main problem is that we can't assess how your partner will react if you open up. it's very difficult to advise you." (As quoted in one posting) -- It is such statement that we have to be neutral.

 

What is his next best alternative?  What he wishes to accomplish?

 

We make choices in life and that same choice can have different consequences to every individuals.  All actions have consequences.  But to have consequences work,  every actions start with (as I mentioned in my post) "a common loving goal in having a want with faith and trust".  TS needs to own his weaknesses and have them understood.   When he is able to understand them, his sharing with his  partner will have a better realization.

 

Only with such open sharing and when the root problem is identified and established that "flings" (should this be the next best alternative) can work.  This consequence, however, is for him and his partner to choose and make.  

 

To TS ..

 

You mentioned that "I'm kinda constantly stuck in a cheating>guilty>cheat cycle".  This is a good start - an honest self admission.  My question, are you afraid of not being accepted?  Be it socially or in your relationship?

 

Thank you for understanding where I’m coming from.

 

i find your post had given me a lot self realization that, decisions and choices were all upon me. I would take a few days to think about if I can just once and for all change and stop doing these or just call the relationship off if deep down I don’t want a relationship. 

[JTM]

20 hours ago, EasleyLim said:

I think you need to tell your partner to do a STD check. You owe your partner that much.

 

You literally can't remain monogamous, lmao. Did you think about how you would be breaking your partner's heart whenever you cheat on him? I don't think so leh. Just do both of you a favor and tell him you have cheated on him multiple times lah.

Thank you for your 2 cents.

 

Ever since I started cheating, I have not have unprotected sex or anything risky with my partner, as I do not want to pass anything to him. Rest assure it is my best interest to keep him healthy if I were to get infected. 

 

Im thinking about it for quite awhile regarding on how he would feel. And at this point of time, if I could I would turn back time and reject this relationship, not because I don’t love him, it’s because I felt like I’m such a dirty person, that he deserve better. 

However the relationship is at a very matured stage, I don’t want to hurt him any further. Thus, I’m seeking different advise from people who have similar experiences before making any decision.  

 

If surprising sexual desire by will is the only way, I would do that.

[Guest Let There Be Light]

8 minutes ago, JTM said:

Thank you for understanding where I’m coming from.

 

i find your post had given me a lot self realization that, decisions and choices were all upon me. I would take a few days to think about if I can just once and for all change and stop doing these or just call the relationship off if deep down I don’t want a relationship. 

 

For whatever it may be, stay calm.  Be gentle with yourself.  There is solution to every problem.  Just because you think you have a problem, does not mean that it is good to throw away what you have built without giving the second chance.  Think about the energy that you have put.  Think about your partner's choice and decision too.  Importantly, do you want to start on something new all over again?

[Guest flings]

39 minutes ago, Guest Let There Be Light said:

 

I appreciate the CAPS.  I guess the reason (why it  is used) is a stern stand that TS will not "take home" my post.  And that is exactly the intention.  I truly hope my post is not going to influence him into doing what may not work for him. 

 

The intention is for him to find out for himself.   What is his next best alternative?  What he wishes to accomplish (though he had indicated some in his posts)? He needs to own (his actions and reactions) for himself while striking a balance for his partner.   

 

"The main problem is that we can't assess how your partner will react if you open up. it's very difficult to advise you." (As quoted in one posting) -- It is such statement that we have to be neutral.

 

What is his next best alternative?  What he wishes to accomplish?

 

We make choices in life and that same choice can have different consequences to every individuals.  All actions have consequences.  But to have consequences work,  every actions start with (as I mentioned in my post) "a common loving goal in having a want with faith and trust".  TS needs to own his weaknesses and have them understood.   When he is able to understand them, his sharing with his  partner will have a better realization.

 

Only with such open sharing and when the root problem is identified and established that "flings" (should this be the next best alternative) can work.  This consequence, however, is for him and his partner to choose and make.  

 

To TS ..

 

You mentioned that "I'm kinda constantly stuck in a cheating>guilty>cheat cycle".  This is a good start - an honest self admission.  My question, are you afraid of not being accepted?  Be it socially or in your relationship?

 

 

thanks for the clarification.

Yes, there is nothing much we can do.

But the guilty thing is actually a good sign, it shows, that despite his unfaithful behaviour towards his partner, he still in emotionally bound to him.

Whether he can risk to discuss these flings and his cravings for sexual experiences beyond his relationship with his partner, is something out of control and predictability.

If his relationship lasted more than 15 years I would say that he might be surprised that his partner may confess something to him as well. ( I wouldn't be surprised).

For some the don't talk don't discuss policy works very good, for others it doesn't.

Disappointments in relationships don't just derive from unfaithfulness and sexual escapades.

Bad attitude, unfairness, treating your partner bad in front of others or ridiculing him, yes we are all guilty of those in many instances.

My partner often complained that "I made him look so small" but I never did that in front of others or outside our house. Until I told him that I only did that to make him stronger, he realised that there was never any bad intention. He learned that I tried my best to develop him to withstand certain barriers (even for the outside world).

Characters are different and this is something we have to learn from the start to keep a relationship going on good terms.

 

Maybe I would get a nice bottle of whiskey, sit my partner down, sip some glasses and just touch the topic. maybe just start talking about a gay friend that confessed about his infidelity towards his bf and see how the partner might react...

I would probably start defending the cheating guy and give reasons to justify or at least explain his deeds and seek the opinion of my partner.

...

[Guest flings]

21 minutes ago, JTM said:

Thank you for your 2 cents.

 

Ever since I started cheating, I have not have unprotected sex or anything risky with my partner, as I do not want to pass anything to him. Rest assure it is my best interest to keep him healthy if I were to get infected. 

 

Im thinking about it for quite awhile regarding on how he would feel. And at this point of time, if I could I would turn back time and reject this relationship, not because I don’t love him, it’s because I felt like I’m such a dirty person, that he deserve better. 

However the relationship is at a very matured stage, I don’t want to hurt him any further. Thus, I’m seeking different advise from people who have similar experiences before making any decision.  

 

If surprising sexual desire by will is the only way, I would do that.

 

From my personal experience you can't run away from yourself. What I mean: You won't change much in future. Trying to abstain, will give you even worse hits for sex outside your relationship.

I don't advise you to break up if you love your partner.

You don't need to feel dirty either.

There is something in your relationship which doesn't give you the 100% satisfaction sexually.

For myself it was something which referred to getting older, I felt a sentiment that my attractiveness will lessen. Therefore, I tried to have as most sex as I could.

Nowadays, I controlled myself much better.

Maybe it would help if you sought a regular fuck buddy and then don't get too much emotionally involved with him.

 

At least I would try to involve a third party into your sex with your partner.

Just test the field. Then you get rid of that guilt feel plus still enjoy the variation of other sex partners.

If your relationship has such matured, then you should be able to discuss this with him.

Don't need to confess, you only need to be careful not to date any guy for the threesome whom you met before.

 

This "deserve better" reason is something not realistic.

I am very sure that at start you tried to be monogamous, you abstained yourself but then started having flings.

 

You don't even know how you would react in a total open relationship (which you may have had with another guy from the start). You might have hated it or turned to a sort of jealousy.

 

Don't forget that a break up might risk that you will be single for the rest of your life.

 

Just ask yourself what do you prefer.

 

But as often said in my previous post. I would start testing the grounds first with your partner and see how the outcome is.

 

I repeat myself: I M NOT ADVOCATING ANY BREAK UP HERE.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[wilfgene]

A post like this with a picture like this,

probably baiting pm.

 

There comes a point when we start to notice the similarity in between the different partners,

only you know if it has happened to you, 

Me to tell if you feel it. 

Edited September 21, 2018 by wilfgene

[JTM]

11 hours ago, wilfgene said:

A post like this with a picture like this,

probably baiting pm.

 

There comes a point when we start to notice the similarity in between the different partners,

only you know if it has happened to you, 

I tell if you feel it. 

Thanks for your reminder, I’ve remove the erotic pic.

 

i don’t understand the subsequent statements, 

[suckmegood]

dame i feel bad for u and ur bf... but i think u got the answers from the above. the behaviour change can only come from yourself. mind over body. easier said than done though. 

 

but, u really need to get him tested. nothing is 100% safe and that, u really owe him.... 

[wilfgene]

On 9/20/2018 at 1:49 AM, wilfgene said:

A post like this with a picture like this,

probably baiting pm.

 

There comes a point when we start to notice the similarity in between the different partners,

only you know if it has happened to you, 

Me to tell if you feel it. 

 

On 9/20/2018 at 1:13 PM, JTM said:

Thanks for your reminder, I’ve remove the erotic pic.

 

i don’t understand the subsequent statements, 

 

On 9/20/2018 at 3:32 PM, suckmegood said:

dame i feel bad for u and ur bf... but i think u got the answers from the above. the behaviour change can only come from yourself. mind over body. easier said than done though. 

 

but, u really need to get him tested. nothing is 100% safe and that, u really owe him.... 

Long-windedly,

there are more to you than the physical sex side,

your call if you care/dare to face up to your own psychological/emotional/ spiritual/meta-physical side.

 That is if you subscribe to a notion of a difference between Having Sex and Making Love.

Or more concerned with the S$500+ comprehensive STI test.

 

[Garyl]

On 9/18/2018 at 11:33 AM, JTM said:

Not sure when i realized this, gays cannot be trusted. (Including me).

 

I'm not sure if anyone is in the same situation as me. 

I'm kinda constantly stuck in a cheating>guilty>cheat cycle i wish to stop.

 

I'm always horny, and constantly looking for new people to have fun (Safe all the time) with. Mostly not successful (i'm not gonna lie, there's  definitely successful ones) as guilt usually kicks in. 

i'm not sure if this is because i'm just a whore inside that constantly want to explore new men's body or it's a mental sickness that can be cured by seeing a psychologist.

 

I would not complain that my partner is not satisfying my sexual needs as he's good and i can also feel that he tried to satisfy me on everything. After having countless debate in my head, deep down, i felt that there are still many things (3some, sauna sex - which i have not tried) i wanted to try, many different people (Different body size, races, age) i wanted to try sex with.

On the other end, i feel extremely guilty for doing these or even having these thoughts to my relationship.

 

I have no will power to resist temptation, not sure if i'm even cut for relationships.

 

 

Anyone experience the same and got out of the situation before? Please advise me on how.

Or is anyone who's in a stable relationship constantly looking for new experiences? please share your experience.

 

Please don't judge me, I know what i did (Cheat) is not a good thing, but i can't help it and trying to seek advise from experienced people in the forum=/

 

 

 

#1 - thoughts : Don't do to my bf what I don't want him to do.

#2- distractions: remove all apps- grindr, tumblr, insta.. etc

#3- physical: spend more time in gym to tired yourself out

#4- heart: don't want to break my partner's heart.

#5- control: i should control my dick and not let my dick control me.

 

Been more successful with age, practice and less testosterone.  

But I am only human so ....... 

Hope it helps.

Edited December 17, 2018 by Garyl

[rider]

I think TS is not seeking for simplistic advice here.  So its useless telling him about the STDs he will get, break-up and go single to have all the fun, think about who will take care of him when sick etc.  He is in a very real situation whereby he is in a conundrum because he wants to remain in the relationship yet has the temptation to play around and try new things.

I think men are generally built to sow their seeds.  Male animals generally go around looking to mate with different females (except the rare few monogamous animals) and I think male humans are built that way too, albeit to a lesser extent.

i believe very few men (and it could be none) can remain monogamous throughout their lives. This forms one end of the scale. On the other end of the scale, you would have men who have a desperate almost insatiable need to sow their seeds to everyone.  Most men will lie in between this scale, but needless to say, men will always have the urge to sow their seeds. Where you are on the scale just depends on how adventurous you were built to be.

Maybe one of the ways is to have an open conversation with your partner.  There is no need to hide, and no need to pretend to be a saint.  If both are open-minded enough, both can agree to certain terms and boundaries that can help bring some solution to the conundrum of wanting to continue to be in an LTR and yet play around.

The "holier than thou" people out there who thinks that LTR should only be monogamous might completely disagree with what i have said, but chances are that they are playing around secretly anyways.  Even if they are not, their partner might be...

It might help to be more open-minded in a society that we are living in today...

Edited December 17, 2018 by rider

[Steve5380]

4 hours ago, rider said:

I think men are generally built to sow their seeds. 

 

Why you insist in this "sow their seeds"?  Or by "sow their seeds"  you mean "have sex"?

I have always enjoyed the pleasure of orgasm without any thoughts of "seeds",  except a few times with my wife at the time to make our baby.

For me "seeds" a natural consequence of orgasm and I could do perfectly well without them.

 

 

[Lemonjuice]

Try defeating an old habit by creating a new habit. 

 

develop an activity, i.e. take a new business course maybe, learning language, develop a mobile app, etc

 

 

[SuperHUNGRYbtm]

Do what you feel good

[Guest Guest]

22 hours ago, rider said:

I think TS is not seeking for simplistic advice here.  So its useless telling him about the STDs he will get, break-up and go single to have all the fun, think about who will take care of him when sick etc.  He is in a very real situation whereby he is in a conundrum because he wants to remain in the relationship yet has the temptation to play around and try new things.

I think men are generally built to sow their seeds.  Male animals generally go around looking to mate with different females (except the rare few monogamous animals) and I think male humans are built that way too, albeit to a lesser extent.

i believe very few men (and it could be none) can remain monogamous throughout their lives. This forms one end of the scale. On the other end of the scale, you would have men who have a desperate almost insatiable need to sow their seeds to everyone.  Most men will lie in between this scale, but needless to say, men will always have the urge to sow their seeds. Where you are on the scale just depends on how adventurous you were built to be.

Maybe one of the ways is to have an open conversation with your partner.  There is no need to hide, and no need to pretend to be a saint.  If both are open-minded enough, both can agree to certain terms and boundaries that can help bring some solution to the conundrum of wanting to continue to be in an LTR and yet play around.

The "holier than thou" people out there who thinks that LTR should only be monogamous might completely disagree with what i have said, but chances are that they are playing around secretly anyways.  Even if they are not, their partner might be...

It might help to be more open-minded in a society that we are living in today...

 

There’s a lot of wisdom in these words. 

[azimuth]

I think humans have for a long long time tied attachment and sex together. It probably started from an era where authorities wanted some kind of control? Hence, stories of love and staying faithful were spun to educate the masses to stay faithful to the one and only. Societies are educated to frown upon people who "cheat" on their partners with religious texts calling it a sin.

 

However, there are emerging theories that humans weren't actually built for monogamy. Monogamy is said to be a form of mind control, mainly for the protection of the offspring. 

 

Attachment to a person is a state of emotion. Sex is a process. If you couple it together, you have a union between two persons, otherwise you can always look at it individually. Talk to your partner and discuss what works best for the both of you. I am sure you can work something out.

 

 

 

[JTM]

Thanks everyone who contributed, indeed it’s a debatable topic, I look forward to see more opinions from different perceptions that’s pertaining to the topic (not std talks).

 

for those whose concern for my partner’s and my health. I abstained from sex for 3 months, and did a comprehensive std check. Everything is cleared. Thank you for your concern. Nevertheless, I will encourage him to go for a test periodically too. 

Edited December 21, 2018 by JTM

[Guest Hello]

Cheater is always a cheater. 

Cheater never wins.

[JTM]

6 hours ago, Guest Hello said:

Cheater is always a cheater. 

Cheater never wins.

Hmm? Win?