Is Grindr the real problem for all of us?

[Guest sleeplesslove]

So long story short, a new friend of mine told me he coincidentally chatted with my boyfriend a couple of days back on Grindr and yea, he seem to be keen to have fun with my friend (PS: BF doesn't know my friend at all).

 

I am kind of stuck in between here. I am not so sure if the dating app was at fault, or perhaps my BF just isn't happy with me. Sure, we don't have fun very often, but honestly it kind of pains me to know that he is still on the app/out there physically in the real world, perhaps trying to really find fun. I also read some posts that said how people used the app to maintain friendship and all but BS to me. I stopped using the app after I told my "friends" I was attached.

 

 Before you ask, No, we have never talked about monogamy since we got together 9 months back but I thought it was a given in our relationship. 

 

I do not really know what to do, so I am just ranting here and maybe get some intellectual views. I love him but I am scared to bring this out because I do not know how things will change. Somehow this is not really intellectual of me to make such a statement. 

[Guest what's the point]

You better learn early that there are no 100 monogamous relationships.

Did your friend show you any evidence? if not it might not even be true what your friend told you.

You shouldn't confront your bf if there are no clear facts. ask your friend to show you so that you can verify.

 

If it turns out to be true then either you keep quiet and just accept that your bf strays or you look for a good moment to talk about this. don't confront him too strong, give him room to confess from himself.

If you're young chaps maybe have fun more often...

[Dorkable]

It doesn't matter if you guys had gone through the discussion on monogamy before. The fact is, channels to feed one's hormones are everywhere. And we guys are generally visual and easily swayed by our dicks.

 

You could have a heart to heart talk with him to find out each other's expectations and perhaps set some ground rules as a couple. But he having done this behind your back, could always mean that it might happen again. Chances are, if you both had started this relationship from a fling or started physical intimacy right off the bat during the early stages of dating, he might not see sex as something sacred to be shared only between a couple.

 

Just my two cents' worth.

[kaze]

several things for you to note actually.
 

1) your friend is not really a good friend. cuz if i was in his shoes, the moment i know the other guy is your bf, i would have stopped talking to him already.
2) you could say he isnt monogamous cuz u guys specifically.. but let's not kid each other.. in the midst of dating and the honeymoon period during the rs, he's unable to tell this kind of thing meant a lot to you? doesnt sound right honestly.

3) the fact at the end is.. your friend thinks your bf wants to bed him. but:

(a) it didnt happen

(b) your friend might think every1 in grindr wants to bed him

 

my advise to you

1) ask your friend to show you the conversation log. otherwise, you're better off not trusting your friend's words at all.

2) in the event your bf really wants to bed your friend, the main thing is can you accept his betrayal? this prick that had pricked your heart, will remain there for the days to come. if u choose to forgive him, you have can nvr bring it up again in times of heated argument.

3) talk to him about how you feel about such "temptations" such as apps etc.

4) i dont like to say this but its the truth about humans as a whole. you cant change a guy or expect a guy to change his way of doing things. this includes being unfaithful. human as a whole, can have some degree of changes but those changes is restricted to small minor stuff. i dont believe a guy who can cheat on his bf, is capable of being loyal. so if u really cant accept betrayal, its time to consider this relationship.

[Balestier]

I have come to accept open rs. Just look at dating apps

[Guest Lol]

Yup have been seeing in grindr a rising trend of couples looking for threesome and gays who are in open relationship. Some specified they are looking for "chat and friends" which is bullshit as everyone knows its a hookup app. 

 

I am more pissed with a certain race like to claim that they are mixed or half chinese when obviously they are not since they can't eat certain food and can't speak a single word of chinese. 

[morphymonster]

9 minutes ago, Guest Lol said:

Yup have been seeing in grindr a rising trend of couples looking for threesome and gays who are in open relationship. Some specified they are looking for "chat and friends" which is bullshit as everyone knows its a hookup app. 

 

I am more pissed with a certain race like to claim that they are mixed or half chinese when obviously they are not since they can't eat certain food and can't speak a single word of chinese. 

 "I am more pissed with a certain race like to claim that they are mixed or half chinese when obviously they are not since they can't eat certain food and can't speak a single word of chinese".Totally agreed!

[Guest Guest]

3 hours ago, Guest Lol said:

 

I am more pissed with a certain race like to claim that they are mixed or half chinese when obviously they are not since they can't eat certain food and can't speak a single word of chinese. 

u talking abt warriors?

[Rhyn]

12 hours ago, Guest sleeplesslove said:

So long story short, a new friend of mine told me he coincidentally chatted with my boyfriend a couple of days back on Grindr and yea, he seem to be keen to have fun with my friend (PS: BF doesn't know my friend at all).

 

I am kind of stuck in between here. I am not so sure if the dating app was at fault, or perhaps my BF just isn't happy with me. Sure, we don't have fun very often, but honestly it kind of pains me to know that he is still on the app/out there physically in the real world, perhaps trying to really find fun. I also read some posts that said how people used the app to maintain friendship and all but BS to me. I stopped using the app after I told my "friends" I was attached.

 

 Before you ask, No, we have never talked about monogamy since we got together 9 months back but I thought it was a given in our relationship. 

 

I do not really know what to do, so I am just ranting here and maybe get some intellectual views. I love him but I am scared to bring this out because I do not know how things will change. Somehow this is not really intellectual of me to make such a statement. 

 

Blaming Grindr as a platform for cheating is like blaming the Internet for proliferating porn. These are tools for people to use- how they use it is up to them, since there's so many ways tools can be utilised. 

 

One thing I constantly avoid is to not take any situation for granted. Always talk and establish boundaries- it is your relationship with him, something unique and dynamic. Thus, it is necessary that the two of you come to a consensus on where your relationship stands. 

[Ironrod]

21 hours ago, Guest Reality said:

The real deal is this .. gay relationship for men aged 18 to 30 don’t work .. for Long .. especially in Singapore . Better to be single for life and have fun with many guys as you like 

 

Not true i was attached since 22? Ops that was b4 Grindr comes to existence!

 

Ok, TS is right to blame Grindr lol

[fab]

Ts's bf heart is the problem.

 

Don't blame any apt, hussy or platform.

[Guest wonder why?]

15 hours ago, Guest Lol said:

Yup have been seeing in grindr a rising trend of couples looking for threesome and gays who are in open relationship. Some specified they are looking for "chat and friends" which is bullshit as everyone knows its a hookup app. 

 

I am more pissed with a certain race like to claim that they are mixed or half chinese when obviously they are not since they can't eat certain food and can't speak a single word of chinese. 

 

What is the point of having the last point of your response at this thread? it's a racist statement.

It doesn't have any reference to the topic of the threadstarter.

You just intend to instigate hatred.

This is so disgusting and only reconfirms that many people of your ethnical group hasn't learned anything and are in fact the most extreme racist.

[Guest Good Chance]

I think you should talk it out with your bf with an open mind. Talk about monogamy, his behaviour, your concerns, your expectations for relationship... Speak without being demanding. Don't put blame on him since you guys didn't discuss about monogamy before. Only then, you guys can understand each other's viewpoint better. Wish you all the best

[Guest hmmmm]

from what i see, the ones who prefer or must have 100% monogamous relationships are the ones that forever looking for change bf like change undies.

 

learn to communicate and discuss! talk more, assume less.

[thorzguy]

Grindr isn't the problem.

Human beings are.

Edited October 15, 2018 by thorzguy

[Guest Hmm]

 

 

I still believe in a monogamous relationship between 2 gay guys. There are such people out there. And you will never find them on a place like Grindr, just like how you will apples growing on durian trees.

 

It's true that we can't completely blame Grindr for cheating. After all, it is merely a tool, like a gun which can be used for good and for evil. But the purpose of the tool matters too. Grindr is a hookup app; it's pretty straightforward. There's no two sides to this. If a guy is using Grindr, he is or has the intention to hookup. Simple. Note that I'm not blaming Grindr here (so don't give me your strawmans), but the guy. 

 Basically, you can know what kind of guy he is by his behavior (eg. Whether he uses apps like grindr)

 

[lightsmith32]

Stop kidding urself man .. if u "bf" is on grindr, he is cheating on u. Accept it, suck it up or move on like a man ...

[sum1outhere_03]

On 10/13/2018 at 11:57 PM, Guest sleeplesslove said:

So long story short, a new friend of mine told me he coincidentally chatted with my boyfriend a couple of days back on Grindr and yea, he seem to be keen to have fun with my friend (PS: BF doesn't know my friend at all).

 

I am kind of stuck in between here. I am not so sure if the dating app was at fault, or perhaps my BF just isn't happy with me. Sure, we don't have fun very often, but honestly it kind of pains me to know that he is still on the app/out there physically in the real world, perhaps trying to really find fun. I also read some posts that said how people used the app to maintain friendship and all but BS to me. I stopped using the app after I told my "friends" I was attached.

  

 Before you ask, No, we have never talked about monogamy since we got together 9 months back but I thought it was a given in our relationship. 

  

I do not really know what to do, so I am just ranting here and maybe get some intellectual views. I love him but I am scared to bring this out because I do not know how things will change. Somehow this is not really intellectual of me to make such a statement. 

Dear TS...

 

If this is between you and your bf, shouldn't you be discussing this issue with him personally instead of coming to this forum?

 

To be honest, even helpful replies from here are "third party views", you prolly need to seek your bf's opinion  

[Guest Jackd]

You forgot about jackd, a higher SES version of grindr where the local gays showoff their IG pics to hookup with each other. Have seen quite a few "famous" people loitering there to look for hookups and sugar daddies. 

[Guest Tsts]

Cheating bf is such a turn on. I like my bf to cheat as much as possible. Haha. 

[Leanmeat]

if there is an agreement on monogamy, then I would have end this relationship. But if there isnt, then no harm he play his and I play mine. Or another way of looking at it. U tot its monogamy but then he is not, and if you tink its still worth staying on, then stay on and you also go have your fun. If not able to accept him playing w others, then call it off. Thats my way, you find yr way (@sleeplesslove)

[Guest Nothing is Ruyi]

To put things into perspective, even palace romance of emperors and empresses has the same frustrations and lots of historical records to prove it. Helping the bf manage a harem of his other women, many bitchy and plotting all the time to take your palace position is headache enough but seeing all the attention and luxury showered on a new love in spite of the long relationship built on past trust and true love should make anyone realise that most human hearts are unreliable for the long run. 

[Guest Massage_enthusiast]

Give a man some fish and he eats for a day. Give a man an online platform, and it turns into what irc/grinder/(tinder's kinda getting there) has become haha.. but yea, the real issue here i guess is open and honest communication between both parties. Expectations are necessary to be addressed to avoid ambiguity, but all in all. I do believe that two people can be monogamous. Just as there are open rs, 3wy rs, married men with bf etc. 

[fab]

By default, a relationship is monogamous unless otherwise stated.

 

No?

[Leanmeat]

On ‎10‎/‎14‎/‎2018 at 9:11 AM, Guest Lol said:

Yup have been seeing in grindr a rising trend of couples looking for threesome and gays who are in open relationship. Some specified they are looking for "chat and friends" which is bullshit as everyone knows its a hookup app. 

 

I am more pissed with a certain race like to claim that they are mixed or half chinese when obviously they are not since they can't eat certain food and can't speak a single word of chinese. 

 

I am more pissed w ppl who say they are keen but forever not free or dun even reply. Whats so difficult to sy not keen? No balls to say?

[Guest cheating issue]

If you look at BW's threads, there is so much about grindr or other apps and bfs cheating.

 

Cheating is always a big topic here.

 

First, you should not keep quiet about the type of relationship. Your bf might have had been in a relationship before and it wasn't monogamous.

Don't impose your own preference of what you see in a relationship and how you want it to be on others who you never spoke to.

Therefore, you have to touch this thorny issue either before getting into the relationship or very early at start. Don't assume.

 

People have different preferences and perceptions. While there are common things between a straight and a gay relationship, there are things which are totally different.

Gays might be more open to "extra-matrimonial affairs" because they are not married. There are no social norms judging on how a gay relationship has to be.

If monogamous is extremely important to you, then you have to inform your partner from start and he is aware.

 

I m not saying straight relationships are better but just pointing out differences.

 

The second thing to do is, to take a deeper look at your relationship. How long have you been together, have you allowed too much routine to creep into your both life. Was sex life always the same with the same pattern and habits. Did you see your bf being satisfied during sex or was it more a duty to make you feel happy (maybe for you too).

Are you both to worked up and sex was actually replaced by the night sleep. have you had too many activities over the weekend so your bf felt too tired to focus on sex.

 

Routine is a killer of relationships and sex life.

But, you must know (if you are younger), sexual interest during a relationship declines over time. It might even come to the point of no sex at all.

 

The last point: Be ready for mindset changes in your bf. he might have passed 35y and out of the sudden had a feeling of having missed much in his life. He met a friend who told him about his sexcapades in gay saunas and how many partners he had fun with per night for weeks. Your bf might have felt constrained in the relationship and having missed out on action.

There are these moments in life where you start asking yourself:

Professional career: What am I doing, do I still like what I am doing?

Life: What do I want to achieve. Did I achieve what I wanted 15 years ago?

Sex: What did I enjoy? Were there fetishes I did not live out? Was I always a top and don't enjoy being bottom? Who is my type of guy?

What I try to explain is: People might change their mind and attitude and venture out.

 

I cannot tell you exactly, what you should do and how you should handle this situation, but you should take some effort in finding out in a nice setting with your bf what goes on with him.

Don't jump on infidelity immediately, let him talk out first.

At least you take a chance to understand him.

Whether you prefer to continue the relationship or not would be the follow up question.

 

You have to agree both on what terms you intend to run your relationship.

 

If you can't you either accept his infidelity or you need to part ways.

[Guest Six]

On 10/13/2018 at 11:57 PM, Guest sleeplesslove said:

So long story short, a new friend of mine told me he coincidentally chatted with my boyfriend a couple of days back on Grindr and yea, he seem to be keen to have fun with my friend (PS: BF doesn't know my friend at all).

 

I am kind of stuck in between here. I am not so sure if the dating app was at fault, or perhaps my BF just isn't happy with me. Sure, we don't have fun very often, but honestly it kind of pains me to know that he is still on the app/out there physically in the real world, perhaps trying to really find fun. I also read some posts that said how people used the app to maintain friendship and all but BS to me. I stopped using the app after I told my "friends" I was attached.

 

 Before you ask, No, we have never talked about monogamy since we got together 9 months back but I thought it was a given in our relationship. 

 

I do not really know what to do, so I am just ranting here and maybe get some intellectual views. I love him but I am scared to bring this out because I do not know how things will change. Somehow this is not really intellectual of me to make such a statement. 

Break up already now? If never then I worry... 

 

You don't satisfy him and then he go look for fun you kpkb? OK this sounds harsh but the truth hurts...