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7for7

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7for7

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Like many gay men, I've tried meeting people through websites and apps, either as dates or friends, and it's been a mixed bag. And it's not like I'm a party animal and know tons of people either.

 

I kept wishing that someone would organize events where I could have genuine face-to-face conversations with other gay guys in a relaxed casual setting. Make a few friends and maybe meet someone I could develop something more. But too bad no one organizes such events...until NOW!

 

"Be the change you wish to see."

 

There's Lunch Actually for straight people. It's high time we had something for gay people.

 

I've started a speed dating service. It's not a business, it's a personal project. Will people be interested? Maybe Grindr and jack'd have really taken over the scene and that's all people use these days. But you never know if something new will work if you don't try...

 

http://7for7speeddating.blogspot.sg/

 

The first event is on Friday, 24 January.

 

If you're interested, take a chance and sign up. Bring a friend if you're shy. I'll see you there!

7for7 Rookie

7for7

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Thanks for the positive comment.

 

Some people have been positive. But some people have also said it will never work. An acquaintance told me that there are already a lot of online apps and websites.

 

If online dating was working so well, why do I see so many of the same guys and headless torsos everywhere? And online dating has made all of us pickier, including me. If one profile doesn't meet my checklist, I can always look at another few hundred profiles.

 

I wanted an alternative. But there wasn't one. So I had to start one myself. Not sure if other people think the same way I do.

 

If there is really no interest, then case closed. I can conclude the scene here isn't ready for it and I can find something else to do.

7for7 Rookie

7for7

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friendly2, I don't want to sound discouraging...but speed dating is really meant for singles. i don't think participants will mind if some singles attend with the intention of just making friends. people say they are looking just for friends all the time, but at least there's still a possibility of something more.

 

but if a couple attends (either one partner or both), i think the other participants may not like it so much. some participants may be using the event as a chance of meet other singles, and meeting someone who's already attached is like...ashley madison.

 

as an organizer, i won't stop you from signing up as i am simply trying to create a friendly space for people to meet. but the other single participants may not like it.

onlylonely Collaborator

onlylonely

Posted
Posted

I will support that.. i am into getting to know more friends. My bf and me are getting married soon but we would be happy to have more friends..

where to get married? I wanna marry my bf someday

  • 2 weeks later...
boyboy24 Experienced

boyboy24

Posted
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Thanks 7for7. I just saw this n registered with u guys! I hope I will be selected for next event. I'm not up for sex for sure. I just wan a genuine relationship. Thanks=)

  • 2 weeks later...
7for7 Rookie

7for7

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Feedback for our first event was very positive.

 

Registration is now open for our second event. Click here to register.

 

If you're shy, bring a friend! See you soon!

  • 4 weeks later...
7for7 Rookie

7for7

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Speed Dating Complements Online Dating

 

Before the smartphone, there was online dating. The popular websites for online dating include Match.com, eharmony and OkCupid, serving mainly straights. For gays, manhunt.net was one of the first websites, although there are others such as PlanetRomeo and Adam4Adam. Locally, we have Trevvy and Fridae, although of late, these have become far less popular.

 

Today, we have smartphones. The gay community led the way first in mobile app dating. The first location-based dating app, some say hook-up app, was Joel Simkhai's Grindr. Copycat apps quickly followed, including Jack'd, Hornet and many other formerly website-only dating sites who launched their own location-based apps.

 

Online dating has become the second most common way for people to meet their significant others. But is there a space for other dating media such as speed dating?

 

I would argue that there is. An excellent article by Waitbutwhy on finding your significant other explains so. Here's the relevant section:

 

...

In a study on what governs our dating choices more, our preferences or our current opportunities, opportunities wins hands down -- our dating choices are "98% a response...to market conditions and just 2% immutable desires. Proposals to date tall, short, fat, thin, professional, clerical, educated, uneducated people are all more than nine-tenths governed by what's on offer that night."

 

In other words, people end up picking from whatever pool of options they have, no matter how poorly matched they might be to those candidates. The obvious conclusion to draw here is that outside of serious socialites, everyone looking for a life partner should be doing a lot more online dating, speed dating, and other systems created to broaden the candidate pool in an intelligent way.

...

 

 

All of the above applies to straights, but given that gays constitute only a low percentage of the population, it makes even more sense for gays. If you're at all serious about dating, you should be trying to widen your social network as much as possible. This means having an online profile (a good one, we'll talk about that in another post), attending speed dating events, volunteering or participating in community events, and just getting out there and meeting people in as many different contexts as you can.

 

Sure, not everyone you meet will be single, available, attractive to you, boyfriend material etc. But your chances of actually meeting someone who could be a relationship prospect can only increase if you create the opportunities to meet new people. A little randomness can be a good thing. And even if you don't meet anyone suitable, perhaps someone you meet may know someone else who might be a good match for you.

 

As the saying goes, if you didn't have one before, your chances of winning the lottery increase dramatically the moment you buy a lottery ticket.

 

So, speed dating does complement online dating, despite the ease and convenience of online dating. If online dating was the be-all and end-all of dating, why are there still so many guys online, and on multiple websites and apps, with the same pics and profile descriptions if I might add? 

 

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7for7

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Creating a Good Online Dating Profile

 

I am a believer in data. It's what I do in my day job. I collect data, I scrub it, I parse and categorize it, I analyze it, then I create charts and slides to visualize and explain it. A lot of other people analyze data for a living, and in this post, I'll point out some ways that data scientists have found that can help you land better dates.

 

If you're like most gay men, you have an online profile on a dating website or app. And you've seen other guy's profiles. Some profiles obviously took more effort than others; some are little more than a grainy (headless/scenery) pic (if there is even a pic at all) with a single line of text. Frankly, I wonder why guys like that bother.

 

A good place to start looking for information on how to hack your online profile is OkCupid's blog OkTrends. Here are a few relevant posts:

 

The 4 Big Myths of Profile Pictures

Is a face pic a must? Is it better to smile or not? Should you look into the camera or not? Here are the answers!

 

Your Looks and Your Inbox

Do you think you're cute? If not, how many messages do you think cute guys get on average compared to not-so-cute ones? Maybe that's why he didn't answer. Could it be his inbox is filled with messages just like yours?

 

Don't Be Ugly By Accident

How to make your pics pop! So more guys message you. Then you get more dates!

 

For something a bit more recent, look at Wired's recent article on building a good profile.

 

Some people have taken the idea of using data to optimize their profile to the point where they've written about their experiences and given talks on them. Amy Webb, for instance, gave a TED talk a year ago about her experiences. More recently, the Guardian in the UK had an article about the algorithms behind online dating websites that purport to help you find matches. An interesting read even if you don't believe in the relevance of data algorithms to dating.

 

The bottom line is: if you're going to use online dating as your main means of landing dates (or hook-ups), it's simply good sense to take more care creating a profile so that it actually gets you the attention you want.

 

If you're too lazy to do all that, you could just go speed dating and actually meet guys in person. Of course, the two are not mutually exclusive! Optimize your profile AND go speed dating to maximize your chances of finding someone you can really connect with!

 

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My last post was on how various people have used data to come up with ways to optimize an online profile for maximum impact. Today, I'll talk about something that's still data related, but closer to my speed dating project. Namely, how I come up with the seating arrangement at an event.


 


In any 7for7 speed dating event, there can be up to 20 participants. How many possible seating arrangements do you think there can be for 20 participants?


 


100? 1000? One million?


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Answer: 2.432902e+18


 


There are a total of more than 2.4 quintillion seating arrangements!**


 


So, how do I decide which seating arrangement to use? Do I assign participants at random?


 


I can't do that...what if some people already know each other? They may have registered together as friends and told me explicitly that they don't want to date each other at the event.


 


Also, what if two people had speed dated at a previous event? And it didn't work out for either of them. It would be a waste of time for both of them if I seated them together again. Not to mention awkward.


 


[Let's not even talk about how some people may have met at one event, gone steady, broken up, then signed up again separately for another event...I can't have cat fights breaking out at my events.]


 


Besides, since I know the ages and interests of the participants (you guys told me at registration), this gives me the chance to use that data productively in devising a seating arrangement.


 


The answer to the seating arrangement problem is a genetic algorithm.


 


Very simply, I've written a computer program which tests each possible seating arrangement.


 


Seating arrangements which result in anyone seated with someone they either already know or have speed dated before instantly fail the test. The program tests not just the starting seating arrangement but also how the arrangement changes over the course of the evening as the moving group changes seats.


 


For seating arrangements which pass this first test, the program calculates a date score for every pair of participants who end up speed dating each other.


 


Date scores are calculated based on how close in age the 2 participants are, and how many interests they have in common. Two participants who are very close in age and have many interests in common will have a high date score.


 


The date scores are summed up for everyone in the starting seating arrangement and across the whole evening as the arrangement changes from the moving group changing seats.


 


This total date score for a particular seating arrangement is the fitness score.


 


The program runs through all the seating arrangements and picks the one with the highest fitness score. On average, this seating arrangement should result in a better dating experience for everyone than if I had assigned seats at random.


 


One final detail: for performance reasons, even a modern workstation would take a very long time to test 2.4 quintillion seating arrangements. So, I incorporated some simplifying assumptions into my program, the details of which are not important.


 


Bottomline: The seating arrangement that you see when you attend a 7for7 event is not random, but has been carefully screened to be appropriate for the participants attending.


 


___


 


**Unlike in speed dating for straights where participants meet only with the opposite sex, in gay speed dating, everyone can meet everyone else. Therefore, the number of seating arrangements is the factorial of the number of participants, in this case 20!.


 


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7for7 Rookie

7for7

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Statistic: On average, for each six hours of searching for people online and messaging them, you get one cup of coffee (meaning you get one date).

 

About 4 years ago, noted psychologist Dan Ariely gave an interview on what his research on online dating had revealed. And the answer was that as popular as online dating has become, it's a deeply unsatisfying experience.

 

Briefly, the reasons are:

 

1. People can't be reduced into their individual characteristics of height, weight, looks, body type etc, and be described easily such that a person can tell if they are a good match just from reading a profile. How many times have you met someone who seemed interesting in their profile, but turned out to be completely the wrong person for you? People are more like wine; complex, full-bodied, and only on meeting them in person can you tell whether you like them or not, but it's hard to describe how and why.

 

2. An online profile provides only very limited information on a person. A person in the flesh is much more complex. Since online profiles provide so little information (especially for gay apps as users seldom write much), online daters tend to go by the most prominent profile feature: the picture.

 

The picture becomes so important that even for people who should know better, physical attractiveness takes on an out-sized importance that overshadows everything else.

 

[Of course, physical attractiveness is always a consideration. It's just that online, it becomes *the* most important consideration.]

 

3. The phenomenon of assortative mating dramatically amplifies the importance of physical attractiveness in online dating. What assortative mating basically means is that while everyone tends to be attracted to the most beautiful people, for practical and realistic reasons, everyone tends to pair off with someone of a similar level of physical attractiveness. It's hard to score above your league, and you're also not likely to downgrade your expectations below your own level.

 

If online dating causes people to overvalue physical attractiveness, but the chances of actually coupling up with someone more attractive than yourself is still the same (meaning very, very low), what that means is that on any online dating website or app, you would expect to find:

 

1. The few beautiful people who are flooded with messages and who naturally, only reply to a few; and

2. A lot of not-so-beautiful people who are left frustrated and disheartened, with near-empty inboxes.

 

Statistic: OkCupid found that the most attractive women on their website received five times as many messages from straight men as the 'average' woman, and 28 times as many messages as the women at the low end of the scale. And men consistently tend to message the women way out of their league, while ignoring the women closer to them in attractiveness, even though their chances of getting a response from the good-looking women are low.

 

I would hazard a guess that gay men are not so different from straight men in this respect.

 

 

But let's step away from online dating for a while and discuss something related. Throughout the ages, less attractive men and women have still been able to find dates and get married (to someone of a similar level of attractiveness) and live happily ever after.

 

Do these ordinary people wake up every morning and look at their partner across the table and think to themselves, "I wanted someone more beautiful, but this was the best I could do. Too bad, life sucks."

 

Obviously not. People adapt. So, how do they adapt to the reality of their mate choice?

 

Simple. People change their priorities. They tell themselves that, "Look, I'm not gorgeous. But, I don't care so much about beauty. I care about intellect, personality, a good heart, a sense of humor...things that are more than skin deep."

 

And that's how they still find someone they're happy to be with together.

 

As it turns out, the people who care the most about beauty are...the beautiful. Which makes sense. Just as parents tend to think better of their own children than other people's children, we tend to value the things that we have, that we made ourselves, that we were given, more than the things that other people have. A good-looking and muscular guy is more likely to require that whoever he is with is also good-looking and muscular. In contrast, one benefit of being less good-looking is that it is easier to appreciate and value the less superficial but no less attractive qualities in a good person.

 

So, if online dating isn't all that it's cut out to be, what should we do?

 

My answer is that online dating is flawed, but it's still an option. And it's an easy and convenient one. But there are always other options, options that allow you to meet people in person and experience them in all their complexity, and perhaps force you to put aside a preoccupation with looks for just an evening.

 

And the answer is...speed dating.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
7for7 Rookie

7for7

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The first 7for7 event was held in January this year, and from observing participants at that event, it's clear that there are certain things participants can do to make their experience a more positive one.

 

It's important to note that 7for7 is not a matchmaker. Our role is an event organizer and facilitator. Hence, it's up to participants to make the most out of attending an event. But don't worry. By reading the tips we list below, you're well on your way to having a great experience!

 

 

1. The laws of attraction are not suspended simply because you have 7 guaranteed dates.

 

What does this mean? It means you should take just as much care with your appearance as if you were meeting an exciting new guy for the first time.

 

Get a haircut. Dress well. Think about how best to describe yourself in just a few minutes. Make a conscious effort to be friendly and approachable at the event despite a long day at work.

 

 

2. At the event, you should be looking for that ineffable quality - chemistry.

 

Some participants approach speed dating as they would online dating. They come with a checklist and expect to meet guys who tick all the right boxes. And when they don't, they go home disappointed and decide that speed dating doesn't "work".

 

As an event organizer, my advice to participants is to keep an open mind when attending an event. Allow the conversation with each date to proceed naturally, and when your 7 minutes are up, think about whether if you had the chance, you would want to continue the conversation with that person.

 

Of course everyone has certain qualities they look for in a potential significant other, but the goal of speed dating shouldn't be to screen out the guys you meet based on your checklist. In fact, quite often, people are terrible at figuring out what's really important for them in a relationship and what's just nice to have.

Instead, consider the rapport that you build with your dates and think about whether you felt a connection and whether you would like to know him better. If you did feel the connection, put that guy's name down as a match on your program sheet. You can always decide later whether that was just a phantom feeling or something more substantial.

 

Which brings me to the next point...

 

 

3. You are not there at the event to look for a boyfriend / soulmate.

 

It's unrealistic to expect to find an instant hot new boyfriend after attending an event.

 

A match at a speed dating event is simply an opportunity to meet the guy you felt a mutual connection with, in the future in a different context, and to see if something more will develop.

 

Don't make the mistake of projecting too much significance onto a match. Overeagerness can be very unattractive on meetings following a speed date.

 

 

4. 7for7 arranges 7 dates for you at each event. But there will be at least 6 other guys that you haven't met following the speed dates.

 

Some guys leave right after the speed dating portion of an event. Sometimes, this can't be helped if you have a prior engagement.

 

But if you're free after the speed dating, mingle! You should be doing at least one of two things:

 

  • Starting a conversation with the other guys you have not met; and/or
  • Deepening the conversation with the guys you have already speed dated and found yourself attracted to.

 

The goal should be to increase your interactions with other participants so you come away from the event with a richer experience.

 

And of course, what works well at the end of the event works just as well at the start. If you are early to arrive, take the opportunity to chat to the other early participants before the event starts.

 

A 7for7 speed dating event is ultimately what you make of it. As an event organizer, I can only do so much. So, take the initiative, put yourself out there and meet the guys. One of them could become something more than just a random acquaintance!

 

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Register for our upcoming event on 16 April here.

 

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Most participants at a 7for7 event would not have attended any kind of speed dating event before. Here’s what to expect, and some do’s and don’ts:

 

 

1. It is not a good idea to arrive late.

 

There are three reasons why it is not a good idea to arrive late. The first reason is that latecomers force me, as the organizer, to call them on their phones to check if they are coming. No-shows require me to carry out some last minute reconfiguration of the seating arrangements, which can be messy. To avoid this, I need to know if a participant is unable to attend the event or is genuinely late. Of course, if you are late enough, we will start the event without you.

 

The second reason is that arriving late can be like stepping into a lecture theatre when everyone is already seated. It makes for an awkward entrance, especially if you are alone.

 

The third reason of course, is that it may result in a bad impression on other participants who care about punctuality.

 

 

2. Arriving early is OK if you don’t mind socializing with the other participants.

 

However, if you are the reserved sort and inclined to sit in a corner with your phone, it is probably better not to arrive too early. As the facilitator of the event, one of the things I try to do is to strike up a conversation with participants who arrive early to make them feel more comfortable. However, I can generally speak to only one or two people at a time, and when other participants start arriving, I will be too busy registering them.

 

 

3. Dress well (but not in anything formal) to create a good impression.

 

Office wear is about as formal as it gets. It’s what I wear myself when I hold an event since I come straight from work.

 

 

4. If you feel awkward, shy or just plain out-of-place at the start of the event, don’t worry. That feeling fades quickly.

 

The comfort level of participants at an event noticeably increases after perhaps 20 minutes (about three speed dates), even if they arrived alone without knowing anyone. The reason for this is simple. Each speed date generally starts with the same few questions. “What is your name?”, “what do you do?”, “what are your interests?”, “what kinds of activities do you enjoy?”.

 

By the third speed date, the rhythm of the conversation becomes very familiar, expected, even a bit unexciting, which is why we limit the number of speed dates to only seven. The good part of this however, is that participants no longer feel awkward once the ice is broken.

 

If you are hesitant about registering for our upcoming event because you are apprehensive about how uncomfortable it might feel, this is a good reason why you should attend, because from experience, we know that those uncomfortable feelings don’t last and that participants generally enjoy meeting new people at the event.

 

 

5. At the end of each speed date, end the conversation smoothly and thank your date.

 

Needless to say, this makes the experience more positive for everyone and leaves a favorable impression.

 

 

6. After the speed dating portion of the event, mingle!

 

For many participants, this is really the best part of the event. The awkwardness of meeting random strangers is gone, the slightly artificial feel of speed dating is over, and yet, you have a mix of guys you have already introduced yourself to and with whom you can continue to deepen the conversation.

 

At the previous event I organized, I could tell from the body language of two guys who continued talking to each other after their speed date was over that there was chemistry between the two of them. And indeed, at the end of the evening, there was in fact a match between the two of them.

 

Or if you’re still up to it, you can get to know the other guys whom you did not get to meet.

 

And you know what? In the unlikely event you still feel shy, the seating arrangements guarantee that you already know someone at the event who has spoken to the other guys you have not met. So, it is not difficult to draw someone you’re attracted to but did not get to meet into a 3 or 4-way conversation.

 

 

7. Mingling is an art. So, take the opportunity to practice.

 

Anyone who regularly networks at professional events such as seminars and conferences already knows these things, but if you don’t, here are a few tips.

 

Make eye contact with the person you wish to talk to. Take the initiative and walk over. Listen with interest to what they say. Be an active participant in the conversation. Avoid monosyllabic “yes-no” answers, and when you yourself ask questions, ask open-ended ones that invite a more verbose response.

 

For example, if you know someone who works in sales, don’t ask “Are you in a client-facing role?”, which invites merely a yes or no response. Instead, ask “What kinds of clients do you work with in your job?”, which encourages the person to explain in a more detailed response. Questions like these make a conversation flow more naturally.

 

And if you need to disengage from a conversation, perhaps because you want the chance to talk to everyone at the event, do so smoothly. For example, excuse yourself to go to the toilet, or to refresh your drink at the bar.

 

 

So, there you have it. 7 tips for what to expect and do at a 7for7 event. We look forward to seeing you on 16 April!

 

___

 

Register for our upcoming event on 16 April here.

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
7for7 Rookie

7for7

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7for7 just held an event on 16 April and the event was a success! Thanks to all the participants who attended and Elvin who graciously offered us his bar to hold the event.


 


The event was held at Out Bar on a Wednesday night, so while Out's normal clientele were around, the venue was quiet enough to permit conversation between participants.


 


Here are the event statistics.


 


Event+by+the+Numbers.jpg


 


 


Half of the participants this time round found matches.


 


Interestingly enough, one pair of participants matched up even though they already knew each other and came to the event together! They both indicated they didn't want to date each other, but at the end of the event, they both put each other down as a match.


 


Turns out that 7for7 events are a great place to test if you can move from the "friend zone" to something perhaps a little more intimate, without exposing your interest unnecessarily.


 


On a scale of 0 to 4, the feedback score was 3.4, highly positive feedback.


 


Some participants commented on the dim lighting. However, the venue being a bar, I hope participants can understand that the lighting is bound to be softer. On the plus side, soft diffused lighting hides the flaws in everyone's skin tone!


 


As for the space issues some participants mentioned, we are somewhat constrained by the fact that the venue must remain open to business, since the event is relatively small-scale and we cannot possibly reserve the entire space. We hope participants understand these constraints.


 


As mentioned during the event, we'll hold our next event when there is sufficient interest forthcoming. Till then, enjoy your matches for those who have them, and we look forward to seeing you again in the future.


 


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  • 2 weeks later...
7for7 Rookie

7for7

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7for7 just held an event on 18 June and the event was a *major* success! Thanks to all the participants who attended and Elvin who graciously offered us his bar to hold the event.


 


The event was held at Out Bar on a Wednesday night. Again, it was a quiet evening and almost a semi-private event despite Out being open to normal custom.


 


Event statistics can be found here.


 


More than TWO THIRDS of the participants this time round found matches.


 


Better yet, practically every participant met a whole bunch of guys they had never met before. Many participants told me that they are fairly "non-scene" or "not very social by nature" and this was the first event they had ever attended (which is true, I have the attendance database to back that up!)


 


As I often mention to participants, I love 'wildcard' participants who don't know anyone at an event. They make the event more interesting and way easier for my seating algorithm to devise a seating arrangement.


 


Our next event is likely to be in August or perhaps September. Do look out for updates in late July or August.


 


We also have an exciting announcement to make in the next few weeks that is non-event related and could drive much greater interest in 7for7. It's a tiny side project that we're really excited about and has the potential to create massive buzz. Stay tuned. =)


  • 1 month later...
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riverrobles Veteran

riverrobles

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I've been there but it was more for videoke sessions with friends I didn't notice or knew they had this speed dating gimmick. I think its cool, cute bartenders btw.

     I'm really turned-on if both heads (the head above and the head below) are both functioning well

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 months later...
7for7 Rookie

7for7

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Registration is now open for an event to be held on Wednesday evening, 13 May 2015.


 


As always, registration is not confirmed until payment has been made and acknowledged. Payment advice is provided once the registration form is submitted.


 


In the event that the number of confirmed participants falls short of the minimum number, the event will  be cancelled and a full refund will be made.


 


The event will be in the Tanjong Pagar area.


 


Register at http://7for7speeddating.blogspot.sg/2015/04/registration-now-open-for-event-on-13.html


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  • 3 years later...
Guest JM4

Guest JM4

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How many of would be interested in attending a speed dating event for gays?

 

Does such thing even exist?

Guest Guest

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I've heard of such events in Malaysia years ago. I don't think it works so much but it does help in expanding your chances to meet new people.

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