What Does It Mean By Closeted & Being Discreet? + Closet Case & How You Cope With It? (Compiled)

[joshTWjosh]

Get married eventually? I think someone else posted something about this above too.

[Guest guest]

Get married eventually? I think someone else posted something about this above too.

Get married to someone you don't really love and curse them with a gay husband/father? That's a pretty selfish idea to suggest.

[hollister88]

Dear TS

 

Firstly let me give you a hug as requested

 

You decide what you want ...it's your life. Many of us are not sure how our family will react and decides to stay closeted...which is fine if that's what you really want.

Think about it....if you love your family...I am sure they will love you as much.

I suggest as someone did earlier...to love yourself first.

 

Find someone to love....as time passes your family will except your bf without it being official....so he is your buddy bff etc.

As you age...so will your family...you must have  a rough idea how homophobic they really are. Take a step at a time.

 

Eventually your relationship with your bfren will make you a better person and also make you more confident if he is indeed your soulmate.

 

I have been closeted all my life...at work with relatives n family.

It came to a time I became fairly ready to stand my ground after years with my bf.

I chose not to advertise but if anyone was interested to know I will certainly share it.

Slowly my siblings got to know...one was ok...the other seemed phobic...but when the time came her daughter shared with her about me n my partner...now I see her phobia completely absent.

 

My folks are in a generation where they prob wont understand...so its better they be unaware about it.

My partner has been to my place a few times n even had a meal or two but not regular....both folks had praises for him not knowing its another son inlaw they are not aware of....  

 

So don't pressure yourself...learn love be the person everyone wants to be with......and eventually with confidence you will overcome

Ok more hugs

 

Do you really disclose to ppl who asks about your sexuality? How?

[leibniz]

I'm not in the position to give an advice but the world is changing, be informed about the LGBT issues and its development. There're people out there who spend their life and fortune for the rights of LBGT people. It at least gives you the idea that you're not alone and makes you realise that even though your problem is difficult and different from anyone else's, there are others who have gone through similar difficulty and even fight for it. It takes us to be informed to realise how strong we are. Hang in there. Hopefully at the end of this bumpy road, you get that confidence and come out as a stronger person.

Edited August 4, 2013 by leibniz

[IkuTube]

Your post #21 opens up the sense of reality and of choice, nothinglah.  In the real world where we are (unfortunately based dominantly with culture), it has become an unconscious choice where we choose to live for others, in particular for the well being of our parents, and not for ourselves.

 

While it is good that we should care for the well being of our parents, we have to take charge for our happiness at the same time.  Often, this is not an easy thing especially when our sexuality is yet to be fully accepted.

 

I had been in your shoe.  There were days when I had to make choice.  There were days when I had to remind myself the reality of life (and denying mine).  Both ends sought for balance and harmony.  There were days when I was fearful .. I didn't want my parents and my siblings hurt ... I didn't want (as in your words) "pesky neighbors and relatives would look at them in a judgy way" .. and so on.

 

Looking back, I did nothing to change anything.  As highlighted by Guest in post #26, all that I did was to give love, and more, love to my parents and my siblings.  Just like you, nothinglah, "my family is not big, so I don't have the chance of being the forgotten kid" too.

 

The one thing that I can say today (though I have now lost both my parents), my siblings and my closest relatives (include nephews, nieces, cousins) are glad of having me.  All that you and I can do is to continue to love them, be around them and provide care and support whenever they need us.  It is love that makes us to be accepted.  It is love that makes them not to ask about our sexuality.  It is love that gives the courage.

 

All the others, outside our perimeter (neighbours, social friends, colleagues, etc), are not important.  Do not allow their world affect to affect you.

 

Whether we choose to stay closetted or otherwise is not a choice.  Fact is, we are already gay.  Find that comfort by realizing that you can still be a good son, a good brother regardless of the sexual orientation.

[gongtang]

...yet another childhood friend got attached recently.I should be happy for him, but when my parents saw them they fired questions at me again. Again an awkward concoction of smiles and fearful replies of "don't know, haven't found yet, no time."

 

As time goes by friends leave as they are busy with their new partners, I feel time is tickling away quickly as facebook serves as a depressor when the most un-likeliest friends get attached. Mentioning the word evergreen during orientations gives me gasps and sympathetic faces which prompts me to disguise my relationship status as green next time and pretending to not know the difference between green and evergreen.

 

I am disgusted and afraid as time goes by. I am not fearful of being alone (I am starting to become too comfortable), I have set up a wall of defense when being attacked by gossiping Aunties every CNY, and an assortment of prepared stories when having to play or talk about past relationships or crushes during games. But I am slowly preferring to head towards solidarity than activating my defensive arsenal, which may lead to a life of uncontentment in my later years.

 

So how you guys cope with time? Knowing that time is slowing slapping the sheer closet you are in, threatening to rip you and all your relations apart, setting you free but whipping you in the midst. Day by day I get more inferior and start to give up my dreams, thinking that I will never be able to do certain things because I have a job to hide my true self and my sexuality in order to protect my family's pride and hold on to the remaining friends I have. Is this really my destiny?

 

I know there will surely be some flamers, please don't quarrel or shoot me, I only need a hug.

 

I understand how you feel. 人本来就寂寞的... im afraid the day when the gravity effect pulls my face all down and saggy, the day when I start to bald, the day when I lose my cute face, no one wants me anymore and I will have to live alone. I know right, when thinking of being alone, we will feel sad. that's why whenever old people or uncle or aunties talk to me, I will try to be as happy to talk to them as possible. because I would want someone to talk to me when I am old too.

 

what to do.... life goes on.. when the day comes, we can deal with it.

[Guest FBCSGM]

We closet gay man faced many problems.The closet makes us feel comfortable to face society,it also limits our ability to meet and do what our heart likes.Some of our problems faced.

Scare of exposure in workplace.

Scare meet familiar faces during fun.

Lonely especially during festivals

Hard to find places to eat for single man.

Going alone on Holidays

Add your list too.

[EasleyLim]

"Scare meet familiar faces during fun"

Isn't that a good thing? It's not like said person can expose your secret without risking his own. Unless you mean someone that's blood related lah. Even then, I think some people actually have fantasies about doing it with their uncle or cousin or w/e.

[Guest Guest]

"Scare meet familiar faces during fun"

Isn't that a good thing?

 

if meet a big mouth or loud hailer then definitely not a gd thing

[EasleyLim]

if meet a big mouth or loud hailer then definitely not a gd thing

 

Yeah but won't they risk exposing their own sexuality along with yours? o.o

[Guest Guest]

Yeah but won't they risk exposing their own sexuality along with yours? o.o

 

maybe they are very open already?

 

i realise those big mouth/loud hailer are normally using their 'behaviour' as a defense to cover up their insecurities.

[EasleyLim]

maybe they are very open already?

 

i realise those big mouth/loud hailer are normally using their 'behaviour' as a defense to cover up their insecurities.

 

Oh... that makes sense.

[Guest Guest]

i realise those big mouth/loud hailer are normally using their 'behaviour' as a defense to cover up their insecurities.

Yup very apt way to put it across

[Guest Guest]

Get married to someone you don't really love and curse them with a gay husband/father? That's a pretty selfish idea to suggest.

 

many such cases now actually, not sure in the future

 

wives will be curious why u dun wanna hv sex with her

[Guest 72%dark]

I'm starting a new thread as I want to address a remark in another thread but this topic wouldn't be relevant to the original thread. So here's the quote:

 

 

"those who are discreet tend to be a little bit more skeptical and reserved as compare to those who are out of closet and open"

 

I wanted to point out that not everyone uses "discreet" to mean "closeted", and that in the Internet age, there's a difference between being "openly" gay and being "publicly" gay.

 

 

I'll use my own case as an example. I'm out to everyone in my immediate and extended family. I'm out to all my friends; in fact I came out years before any of my school friends did. I'm out to all coworkers whom I've worked closely with. I've never really discussed my personal life with NS campmates, but if I were asked I wouldn't deny being gay. I therefore consider myself "out" for all intents and purposes. Furthermore, I don't feel shame or even ambivalence about my sexual orientation; I was actively involved in LGBT activism when I was younger.

 

In any case, coming out is not a singular event but a continual process; any time you meet someone new the issue potentially arises. I personally don't believe in actively hiding, but at the same time I think that one's sexuality is, at the end of the day, a private and personal matter, and there will always be people you encounter for the most perfunctory of purposes who have no reason to be concerned with your personal life. (Do straight people have to constantly remind everyone they meet of their sexuality just to affirm their identity or legitimize their actions? No, because the details of their intimate lives are only sometimes relevant.)

 

Therefore, for me, being 'discreet' doesn't mean hiding or denying that I'm gay, or rejecting gay relationships because I'm struggling with my identity.

 

It's more about keeping a low profile generally and about retaining a degree of privacy and not being easily identifiable. What do I mean? This is where the distinction between "openly" and "publicly" gay is helpful. Being openly gay means (relevant) people who are already acquainted with you know you're gay, and you'd be willing to disclose it to whomever you meet (or not, if you think it's not relevant). On the other hand, being publicly gay means anyone can easily find out that you're gay without meeting you or knowing you personally, and whether or not you would actually want to disclose it to that person. 

 

For example, if someone posted Mr Y's pic on one of the threads and asked other BWers identify it, then someone who happens to know Mr Y replies with personal details, and someone else posts some juicy gossip or whatever that makes it clear Mr Y is gay, then no matter whether Mr Y has previously been closeted or out, or discreet or open, he will now be "publicly gay", and anyone googling for Mr Y (let's say a HR person doing an informal 'background check', for example), will not only discover that Mr Y is gay but possibly other 'juicy gossip' that has been passed around.

 

If this were some other country it may not be an issue, but we know that there remain many Singaporeans who are homophobic or who have moralistic or prudish views about sex and sexuality in general, and who moreover don't see a distinction between someone's public and private lives. It's not paranoid to want to protect one's 'reputation' as best as one can. Just recall various scandals in recent years – the public outcry surrounding male pageant contestant Ng Ming Han, the former NUS student Alvin Tan who was suspended and had his scholarship revoked for posting a sex video online (a straight guy BTW!), the 'unexplained' firing of openly gay playwright Alfian Sa'at from his MOE relief teaching position, and so on. Depending on individual circumstances, the repercussions of uncontrolled disclosure can be far-reaching, and this has nothing to do with whether the person himself thinks being gay is shameful or not.

 

 

There is variation in the use and interpretation of "discreet". Some people do essentially mean "closeted". Some people use it to mean total anonymity (e.g. they don't want their wives to find out about their extra-curricular activities). For others it means, be straight-acting and no PDA with BF please, etc etc.

 

In general people differ in how much and what kind of information they're un/willing to disclose and to which groups of people, and what kinds of public behaviors they're comfortable with. Some people are naturally more private than others. Instead of assuming, it's always better to clarify what it means when someone says they're discreet.

[doncoin]

I think when it comes to being "discrete" it simply means acting with discretion. Keeping my mouth shut, and not drawing attention. 

 

Singaporeans tend to be a moral police to some degree and to me, it is not always a bad thing. I don't think think the outward displays of sexuality is always appropriate, especially in public spaces, especially when there are young children around. However, if it is done in an all adults space, I don't see why not.

 

Singaporeans are generally uptight, perhaps due to the way the culture is passed down from one generation to the next. On the other hand, we are more "westernized" than most other Asian countries in some area, and perhaps there lie our uniqueness. 

[Guest 72%dark]

@hannibalism, tacitly agreed meanings are fine... except when the meanings are tacit but NOT agreed. That's the point of asking folks not to make assumptions.

But really my intention was not to try to police language use and impose any specific interpretation of the words "discreet", "closeted", and so on, but to highlight the issues that underlie the words. Namely, self-acceptance of sexual orientation, degrees of willingness to reveal sexual orientation, as well as degrees of willingness to reveal other personally identifying information.

Ultimately my motivation for highlighting these issues is my observation that there are people who seem to take a judgmental attitude to people who identify as discreet (whatever that means). The quoted remark, for example, comes with negative implications. Perhaps it wouldn't be that way if people had more awareness of the issues and situations other people may be in.