The Void In Me

[Guest SeniorMan]

Already in mid life. Though not looking for LTR, taking what comes along. Somehow, felt empty and the urge to have some body warm and the feel of another being when the heat is on..sigh..

I remember, there's another posting of "Guilty after Sex".... That's how i felt each time too. Though not into ONS or loiter at public places etc.. somehow, when the sms came along, couldnt resist the urge as just wanted someone to feel me and help me release.

After the session, which is quite fast as not into anything racy just hj or occasionally bj was done on me too.. After that, when on way home, felt the emptiness in me and was telling myself not to succumb to temptation and the urge again. But each time, failed the mental test..sigh..

[suckling_pig]

Hi Senior Man,

We emphatise with you and want you to know you are not alone in your problem. Most, if not all gays struggle with their sexuality some time or other. I think the other BWers would agree with me if I gently encourage you to speak to people about your struggles.

My hunch is that the guilt you feel is connected with a Christian view of homosexuality? If so, asking yourself these question may help:

• If the former Bishop of the Methodist Church of Singapore can support and even worship with gay Christians, does he still see that Christianity and homosexuality is incompatible ? ( I trust that he will not mind if I mention him in sex a context)
  
• If such a highly regarded and educated man can bridge the gap between God and gays, maybe you can too ?
  

Edited November 2, 2011 by suckling_pig

[Clickclock]

Hey senior man, perhaps you should look to religon to fill in that void? it brings meaning to your life.

I'm not going to be all evangelistic and enforce my christian beliefs on you,

in fact, i would like to encourage you to go deeper in ANY faith that you would choose? it might be able to fill in that void that is burdening you all this while.

[Guest Human Beings Need Sex]

I think you are dealing with some major homaphobia towards yourself. Being free to love yourself is the greatest gift you could give yourself. You first need to work on yourself and learn to nurture yourself.

The first thing I think you need to do is to treat yourself to some regular massages. I go over to JB. There is a Thai Massage place on the top floor that gives full body massages by Thai men. You need to embrace the human body that you have been given and start to enjoy the lovely feelings that come from being touched. If you can't open yourself up to this how can you hope to attract another person into your life.

You must accept that part of living this life involves healthy sexual urges that need to be satisfied. To be a metally balanced, happy, well adjusted indivivdual you must permit yourself the pleasure that sex has to offer. There is nothing wrong with satisying your urges with another consenting adult. If you can't get this worked out then you will never attract another healthy, well ajusted individual.

May you find the happiness you seek. You are loved. Hugs

[glowingember]

Hi Senior Man,

With or without the guilt, you are still the same person.

You have the right to have temptations, urges and happiness.

Unless you have obligations, you are answerable only to yourself.

Don't let social norms dictate your life.

Breathe and be free.

[suckling_pig]

See, lots of people feel for you.

Talk about your problems, it will help you resolve them.

[Foreign Talent]

Hey senior man, perhaps you should look to religon to fill in that void? it brings meaning to your life.

I'm not going to be all evangelistic and enforce my christian beliefs on you,

in fact, i would like to encourage you to go deeper in ANY faith that you would choose? it might be able to fill in that void that is burdening you all this while.

Whilst I respect everyone's right to any kind of religious belief - may I just voice my point of view that religion is a very, very bad idea.

Especially Christianity.

Oh please, this guy is already depressed enough. Like all he needs is the church to tell him that his sexuality is sinful, against god, evil etc - great.

Look, I know there are some gay-friendly churches out there - but the vast majority of churches in Singapore are vehemently homophobic. Sending a depressed gay man into a homophobic church who are simply going to heap more guilt onto him is such a bad idea - I normally leave people alone with their religious beliefs, but in this case, I must say - SHOCKINGLY BAD IDEA. No. No no no. Religion is definitely not the answer for this guy - not right now anyway.

Let me offer a different suggestion - one that I feel is far, far better than religion.

Peer support.

http://www.oogachaga.com/maturemenproject

Edited November 2, 2011 by Foreign Talent

[Guest Bodhi]

You can look into Buddha if you want.... Free yourself from the fleshly lust and thoughts through chanting. PM me if you keen, I teach you. We can attend talks and temples too.

[doncoin]

Start looking towards yourself instead of others or religion or something else to fill that void. Learn to accept who you are, the good and the bad. Embrace your humanity. Stop letting external forces tell you you are not good enough just because you don't adhere to their standards or values. So what if you are fail the test time and time again? Why focus on what you are bad at instead of what you are good at? Be good, or better, be great at one thing, instead of wasting time being mediocre or terrible at 10 things.

Everything and everyone around you is transitional except yourself. So learn to be yourself.

[Blissfull]

I think it is normal to feel the void within you. I used to feel this way until I came to accept that sex is part of life (whether or not it's accepted by other)

[juzabishanguy]

Just....find other hobbies to fill up that emptiness.....Dance...Music...Cooking.....cooking for me works cos if i'm feeling down / emo i juz follow recipes and cook....its a good way to relax n ease ur mind...maybe go meditate abit oso can..

[gz69]

Reaching out to help others is a good way to fill the void. Those that I am helping are often gays. Though we do not become bf and we may move beyond intimacy, I may continue to contact with them. And help is often by way of advice, sharing of ideas, an interesting article / powerpoint, etc. The opportunities are plenty.

Whatever may be your belief, be comfortable with who and what you are. Guilt is often imposed by Man through the strict interpretation of the Holy Text. Even the Law harks back to Victorian days. It is society that creates the condition for guilt. If Jesus can ask who would cast the first stone at the prostitute, what would God say about the Gays he is responsible for creating and nurturing through life?

[Lungker]

I dedicate this song to you Seniorman. If you are old enough to know this song (be honest), you should sign up as a member. Then PM me and we'll have kopi on me and I'll help you overcome the blues.

Be happy.

[gamcubmelb]

Nice song, Lungker brings back memories

I think one of the issues is loneliness. When one is alone in his/her sexuality and feels the need to hide it from loved ones, that makes the person even lonelier.

I interpret the Void as that empty space where we might not have anyone to share our thoughts on who's sexy, cute and just general feelings of being different. To some, the solution is in religion, to others, it's in the creative and work, or to yet others - it's in cruising and finding sex in shopping malls. In any case, it still does not solve the problem of being alone or feeling guilty and having no one to share your thoughts with.

My humble suggestion is to get involved with other like-minded individuals - not just to have a sexual partner but to look for like-minded people to hang out with. Might be a bit awkward at the start but the friendships that develop from there might help fill the void, esp. once you have people to talk to about it eh? Peer support such as at Oogachaga (as suggested earlier on by Foreign Talent) is one such example... Good luck and all the best.

Edited November 2, 2011 by gamcubmelb

[ItsAMemo]

Strange... I have a different perspective when I read TS' post.

The impression I get is that although he claims he is "not looking for LTR", I think that's what he really needs? A consistent partner in life, someone to love, rather than going for ONS' which are ultimately empty and although they fulfill basic sexual urges, they don't satisfy emotionally.

[suckling_pig]

Yeh. Best to let the original poster clarify

[Guest Fan Bingbing]

I dedicate this song to you Seniorman. If you are old enough to know this song (be honest), you should sign up as a member. Then PM me and we'll have kopi on me and I'll help you overcome the blues.

Be happy.

I also want to have kopi with you on me if you look like your avatar.

[Lungker]

I also want to have kopi with you on me if you look like your avatar.

Sure. Register as a member then PM me.

Cheers.

[Guest Ndrew]

Already in mid life. Though not looking for LTR, taking what comes along. Somehow, felt empty and the urge to have some body warm and the feel of another being when the heat is on..sigh..

I remember, there's another posting of "Guilty after Sex".... That's how i felt each time too. Though not into ONS or loiter at public places etc.. somehow, when the sms came along, couldnt resist the urge as just wanted someone to feel me and help me release.

After the session, which is quite fast as not into anything racy just hj or occasionally bj was done on me too.. After that, when on way home, felt the emptiness in me and was telling myself not to succumb to temptation and the urge again. But each time, failed the mental test..sigh..

I totally understand how you feel, cos i'm do have that kind of feeling.....especially after ONS or public oral, do feel bad.......

By telling not to do that again........but it was out of thought!! But yeah, we need some warm of human touch

[Guest SeniorMan]

Thank you all for the mostly positive advises.

Not that i am a complicated person.. originally not into gay activites.. was married. Had a so called r/s but was caught in the web as no match for what's going on in the gay side of doing things..meaning, partner has been gay throughtout..and considered self-centred.

To cut stories short, when the fire dies, he kinda cold-storaged me out of the blue. I was kinda puzzled and not knowing what went wrong and how to handle the issues of a breakout with another guy. As there is no proper closure, i was left hanging.. I would have expected at least a proper dialogue or discussion as to how to move on from there. The bitterness lingers but somehow time heals. It did.

That's why I said not into r/s anymore. Not knowing what's going on in another's mind is frightening indeed. I like to do things, the proper way, Like compromising and communication when in a r/s or even from person to person but i guess, i have learnt from the r/s that most time, it is not meant to be what i have expected or that each have their own way of dealing with things.. but just letting go of someone when he used to claimed he loved during the good times is totally out of my range of so called proper closure. I have moved on since..thx

Kids have grown up and most time, have plenty of times to kill. Did some voluntary work but on ad-hoc basis only.

At this age, i am only hoping to look for some frens in this circle for activities like sports,games,coffee breaks only. Nothing complicating.

Once again, Thank you for all who bothered to drop a note.

[Foreign Talent]

Thank you all for the mostly positive advises.

Not that i am a complicated person.. originally not into gay activites.. was married. Had a so called r/s but was caught in the web as no match for what's going on in the gay side of doing things..meaning, partner has been gay throughtout..and considered self-centred.

To cut stories short, when the fire dies, he kinda cold-storaged me out of the blue. I was kinda puzzled and not knowing what went wrong and how to handle the issues of a breakout with another guy. As there is no proper closure, i was left hanging.. I would have expected at least a proper dialogue or discussion as to how to move on from there. The bitterness lingers but somehow time heals. It did.

That's why I said not into r/s anymore. Not knowing what's going on in another's mind is frightening indeed. I like to do things, the proper way, Like compromising and communication when in a r/s or even from person to person but i guess, i have learnt from the r/s that most time, it is not meant to be what i have expected or that each have their own way of dealing with things.. but just letting go of someone when he used to claimed he loved during the good times is totally out of my range of so called proper closure. I have moved on since..thx

Kids have grown up and most time, have plenty of times to kill. Did some voluntary work but on ad-hoc basis only.

At this age, i am only hoping to look for some frens in this circle for activities like sports,games,coffee breaks only. Nothing complicating.

Once again, Thank you for all who bothered to drop a note.

Hi there, allow me to drop you a further note with regards to your situation.

As an older gay man myself (well I am 35), I can understand what it may feel like to receive advice from 18, 20 year old young gay men who may not have experienced quite as much life as we have - so I am just stating my age for the record and the fact that I am speaking as someone older.

One thing we should become better at as we grow older is human relationships. Gosh, they teach us everything in school except how to deal with people and this tricky subject of love - we're somehow simply expected to figure it out through trial and error and some of us succeed, others have to learn their lessons the hard way.

Nobody said love and relationships was going to be easy - a lot of people do get hurt in the process and each time we get hurt, we learn a little from the process and grow stronger and wiser for the experience.

I hate to be the one to say this - but you're not growing from the experience of getting hurt in love. You are blaming the other guy, you're saying you're not into gay activities, you're saying love and relationships are too difficult etc - but from what little you've written, I don't detect any element of you accepting any blame for the failure on your part.

Come on, are you telling me that you're blameless and it's everyone else's fault?

When you play the victim's card and blame everyone else, then you do not look at where you may have went wrong in the process and what lessons there are (if any) to be learnt. When you accept responsibility, you then give yourself the chance to grow and learn from the process and as a result, you'll become wiser and more successful in the future.

I don't know if you play any sports - but say take tennis for example, if you're trying to serve and you keep hitting the ball into the net, do you:

1. blame the racket, blame the ball, blame the net and say "I'm not into tennis any more."

2. Stop for a moment and ask for help, "what am I doing wrong? Why can't I get the ball over the net?"

Cos right now, you're doing no. 1 - it's pretty obvious.

Look, I don't know you - I am not judging you at all, I am merely reflecting on what you've posted, so please know that I have the best of intentions to be helpful.

[Guest guest]

I guess Foreign Talent is being judgemental into blaming others as well.Though you have kind intention,giving you the benefits of the doubts.

You will be surprised that those younger than youself might be able to understand and even gives advises before than youself.Ginger is always good the older they are but they may not be suitable for all types of dishes.Some food blend better with the younger ginger.

I believed that when Seniorman said something like to cut story short, a lot mus have happened along the way.

Better to let him elaborate if he wish to.

[Lungker]

Kids have grown up and most time, have plenty of times to kill. Did some voluntary work but on ad-hoc basis only.

At this age, i am only hoping to look for some frens in this circle for activities like sports,games,coffee breaks only. Nothing complicating.

Since we are confessing our age, I am 53.

I like what I you wrote about your situation Seniorman, especially about your ex-bf who is "gay throughout and self centred". You are a married man with grown up kids, probably whose life centred on career, family and straight friends. You never stood a chance with your ex-bf. His world and your world is just totally different.

However, you really shouldn't be bitter. In my personal opinion, you already have the best of both worlds. You have managed to raise up some kids to adulthood which is a tremendous achievement. Hopefully you also have a wife to round up a happy family.

And you are retired or semi-retired. But you also occasionally want to some intimacies with other men too. Not a problem and should not be considered a problem.

I know quite a few married men in their 40s and 50s with kids like yourself. I would consider them gays but if you were to see them, you can never tell. They are totally straight acting and the only time you can tell they are gays are the very few occasions they have sex with other men. Other than that, there is nothing gay about their lives, their mannerism, their friends or the activities they indulged in. I suspect you may be like that.

On to the sex part. I know a someone married, very straight acting with 4 kids, 3 cars, two dogs and a wife. Over the years I have had fun with him often one on one but occasionally a threesome. All the sessions were good and he was a willing participant both as a top and a bottom. But every single fxxking time, once he finished ejaculating, his mood would drastically changed and he would quickly washed up (often he didn't even bother to) and need to leave. In the early days I was often left stranded because I like my partner to be satisfied first. We later discussed about his wham bam thank you maam, actions a couple of times and I understood for some reasons, he would feel an awful sense of guilt right after cumming. He did enjoys the fxxk sessions and the guilt part will quickly go away later.

After understanding his reactions, the next time when we have sex, the best thing to do is for me to cum first if I want to cum, or simply let him have his fun and release his built-up and knowing he will be scooting off right after he cums.

This friend is just an extreme example of a straight acting married man who is into gay sex. After ejaculation, he will not lay back, cuddles, hugs and whispers sweet nothing. He just wants to get the hell out of there.

I don't know if your "emptiness" after sex is similar to what I describe about my friend. If it is, don't worry. It is fairly common. It is a reaction to how we were brought up and how we view sex. You should know many straight men behaved like that too with prostitutes. Based on your background, there is nothing wrong with how you feel after gay sex. No need to get worked up over a non-issue.

Now about the lots of free time, sports and kopi drinking that you wanna do - I can help too. I am retired or jobless like some of friends call me. I was very much a sportsman when I was younger and I love kopi. PM me and we'll ganged after our kopi session to go hunting together.

Some of the younger ones and heck many of the older ones too are ready to be caught and spanked for being rude and impolite. Hell we can even drive up north where the critters are tougher and more willing to be caught. Sounds good? :hat:

Btw, other readers are welcome to entice Seniorman with other better offers. Moderators do not have exclusive rights in such matters. :oops:

[Guest Guest]

Thank you all for the mostly positive advises.

Not that i am a complicated person.. originally not into gay activites.. was married. Had a so called r/s but was caught in the web as no match for what's going on in the gay side of doing things..meaning, partner has been gay throughtout..and considered self-centred.

To cut stories short, when the fire dies, he kinda cold-storaged me out of the blue. I was kinda puzzled and not knowing what went wrong and how to handle the issues of a breakout with another guy. As there is no proper closure, i was left hanging.. I would have expected at least a proper dialogue or discussion as to how to move on from there. The bitterness lingers but somehow time heals. It did.

I also experienced the exact same treatment from a 30+ yo guy. It seems he preyed on matured and married men, cheat their feelings by making them fall in love with him then dump them just to cause them hurt.

Maybe we can exchange experience on this.