Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Paralyzed friend

A fellow stops by to visit his friend who is paralyzed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me up here to make love to you!"

They stare at him and say, "That can't be!"

He replies, "OK, let's check!"

He shouts down the stairs to his friend, "Both of them?"

The reply comes back, "Yes, both of them!"

[clementi]

Joke: Hiding bag

A guy starts a new job, and the boss says, "If you marry my daughter, I'll make you a partner, give you an expense account, a Mercedes, and a million dollar annual salary."

The guy says, "What's wrong with her?"

The boss shows him a picture, and she's hideous.

The boss says, "It's only fair to tell you, she's not only ugly, she's as dumb as a wall."

The guy says, "I don't care what you offer me, it ain't worth it."

The boss says, "I'll give you a five million dollar salary and build you a mansion on Long Island."

The guy accepts, figuring he can put a bag over her head when they have sex.

About a year later, the guy buys an original Van Gogh and he's about to hang it on the wall.

He climbs a ladder and yells to his wife, "Bring me a hammer."

She mumbles, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer," and she fetches the hammer.

The guy says, "Get me some nails."

She mumbles, "Get the nails. Get the nails," and she gets him some nails.

The guys starts hammering a nail into the wall, he hits his thumb, and he yells, "Fuck!"

She mumbles, "Get the bag. Get the bag."

[clementi]

Joke: Thinks I am …

Two men were down the pub talking. The first man said, "My wife, she thinks so much of me that she won't let me do any work around the house. It's incredible !"

The second man says, "That's nothing. My wife thinks I'm God!" "She thinks you're God? What makes you say that?" "Easy...Every night she places a burnt offering before me!"

[clementi]

Joke: “Here after” routine

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road.

"I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Fred, " I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine... what's that?" she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!" he replies.

[clementi]

Joke: Ripping the panties

Two lawyers are leaving the office.

"I can't wait to get home", says one of them. "As soon as I walk in the door, I'm going to rip my wife's panties off".

"I know the feeling", the other says.

"No, I'm serious", says the first. "They're killing me

[clementi]

Joke: 69

A young man goes to a whorehouse to experience his first taste of sex.

The madam suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try.

The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the young man on what to do.

Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.

The man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again.

A moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues.

Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I can take another 66 of those!"

[clementi]

Joke: The false teeth

A Pastor goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.

The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, he talks for only eight minutes.

The second Sunday, he talks for only ten minutes.

The following Sunday, he talks for 2 hours and 48 minutes.

The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and they asked him what happened.

The Pastor explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't talk for more than 8 minutes. The second Sunday his gums hurt too much to talk for more than 10 minutes. But, the third Sunday, he put his wife's teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up...

[clementi]

Joke: Two goats

Two goats were eating lunch in the junk yard.

One goat came across a large reel of movie film left over from an old movie theatre.

As the first goat ate the film, the second goat watched with much interest as it had never seen movie film before.

When the first goat had finished eating all the film.

The second asked "So, how did you like it?" to which the first goat replied "Not bad... but I liked the book better!"

[clementi]

Joke: Wait your turn

A youngster rushed into a barber's shop and asked to be given a haircut and a shave immediately.

"You wait your turn young man," said the barber, "I will get to you after the others waiting before you have been attended to. It will take an hour or two."

The young fellow ran out of the barber's shop. He came the next day, the day after and for many days subsequently. Every time he was told to wait his turn, he fled.

Not being able to contain his curiosity, the barber asked his assistant to follow the young man and find out where he came from and where he went after leaving his shop.

The assistant did so and reported back, "I don't know where the fellow comes from but as soon as you tell him you will be busy for the next hour or two, he runs to your home."

[clementi]

Joke: Tribal experiment

A blonde couple was watching a documentary on the TV Channel about an African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his tool and a weight is attached to the other end. After a while, the weight stretches the length of the tool to 24 inches.

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, "What do you say, we try that African string-and-weight procedure?"

Her husband agreed and they tied and string and weight to his pen*s.

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our tribal experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're half-way there," he replied.

"You've grown to 12 inches?!" she said, astonished.

"No ... it's turned black," he answered.

[clementi]

Joke: Living with two sisters

The Matchmaker goes to see Mr Smith, a confirmed bachelor for many years.

"Mr Smith, don't leave it too late. I have exactly the one you need. You only have to say the word and you'll meet and be married in no time!" says the Matchmaker.

"Don't bother," replies Mr Smith, "I've two sisters at home, who look after all my needs."

"That's all well and good, but all the sisters in the world cannot fill the role of a wife."

"I said 'two sisters,' I didn't say they were MY sisters!"

[clementi]

Joke: Emergency signals

Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air.

Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost.

One says to the other, "What shall we do?"

The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us.

He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help.

What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?"

The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left...

[clementi]

Joke: Show and Tell

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, policeman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so he teacher asked him about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?" "No," said David, "He works for the government administration, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids."

[clementi]

Joke: Boys-out trip

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect boys-out trip.

Two days before the group is to leave, Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he is not going. Rob's friends were very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire.

"Damn man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said, 'Guess who'?

"I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did.

"And then she said, 'Now you can do what ever you want.'

"So here I am....!!!" Moral: Never deny a man meeting his friends!!

[clementi]

Joke: Preferential treatment

A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together at a restaurant.

"Men prefer thin women," said the skinny woman.

"Really? Did your boyfriend tell you that?" said the fat one.

"No, your boyfriend told me that!"

[clementi]

Joke: Old man and his babies

There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old woman. A year later the woman had a baby and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 9lb 8oz baby boy. The old man replied, “This old motor is still a' running.”

Next year his wife had another baby and the doctor came out and told the man that he was the father of a 8lb 5oz baby girl. The old man replied, “This old motor is still a' running.”

The next year his wife was back in the hospital yet again, having their third child and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 10lb 9oz baby boy. The old man replied again, “This old motor is still a' running.''

And the doctor said, “Yeah but you better get your oil changed because this one is coloured.”

[clementi]

Joke: Miserly gift

A very tight man was looking for a gift for a friend.

Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken, which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it has been broken in transit.

In due time, he received an acknowledgement:

"Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."

[clementi]

Joke: Different girl

The soldier asked for a furlough, so that he might get married.

"How long have you known the Girl?" His superior asked.

"A Week."

"Why, my lad, that is hardly long enough. I suggest that you wait a couple of months, and then, if you still want to get married, I shall grant you a furlough."

In two months the soldier was back, reminding his superior of his promise.

"So you still want to get married? My, My ! I did not suppose that a young man would stay interested in the same girl for such a long time nowadays."

"I know, sir. But it is not the same girl, sir."

[clementi]

Joke: Identical horses

A guy walks into a bar looking frustrated. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The guy replies, "Well I've got these two horses and I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender suggests, "Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The guy says, "That sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later, he returns to the bar in worse condition. "I shaved the tail of one of the horses, but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender says, "Why don't you try shaving the mane?"

A few months later the guy is back. "I shaved the mane of one of the horses, but it grew back!"

The bartender yells, "Just measure the damn horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The guy storms out of the bar.

The next day, the guy runs into the bar. "It worked, it worked!" he exclaims. "I measured the horses, and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

[clementi]

Joke: Racing Nano

A Nano breaks down on a roadside.

A BMW stops to help the driver.

"I will tow you to the next service station, but if I drive too fast please flash your lights"

They start up slowly but only a km or so down the line a Porsche speeds past 150km/h.

The BMW driver totally forgets about the nano & guns it after the Porsche.

Just as all 3 of them tear through a speed trap, the cop radios the HQ:

"Calling all stations, You won't believe this, I just saw a BMW & a Porsche racing past at about 190 km/h with a Nano behind them flashing its lights to Overtake."

[clementi]

Joke: What time is it?

On some Air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"

The tower responded, "Who is calling?"

The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference... If it's a commercial flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it's an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it's a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it's an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3. If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to 'Happy Hour.'"

[clementi]

Joke: Stress

You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl.

Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital. This is stress.

In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future newborn. You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father. This is a big stress already.

You require for a DNR analysis and they make it.

Then the doctors tell you quietly, that actually you can't be a father since you are genetically sterile. This is a stress, combined with a relief.

On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids. That's what the real stress is.

[clementi]

Joke: What a massage

"Where's the barber who worked on the next chair?" asked the old customer as he was getting a shave.

Hadn't you heard about Bill? said the barber. It was a very sad case.

He grew nervous and despondent over poor business, and one day when a customer said he didn't care for a massage he suddenly went out of his mind and slashed the customer's throat. He is in the asylum for the criminal insane now. Will you be having a massage, sir?

Sure, go ahead! said the customer.

[clementi]

Joke: Psychiatrist observation

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, di*k, let's go."

[clementi]

Joke: The army hospital

An army major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks:

"What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic syphilis, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir."

"Good man." says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic piles, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get back to the front, Sir."

"Good man." says the Major.

He goes to the next bed. "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic gum disease, Sir"

"What treatment are you getting?"

"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."

"What's your ambition?"

"To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"

[worldangel]

Joke:No fart

One day a man takes his frail, elderly mother into hospital. "I hope the nurses treat you well, mum." he said.

After a while, the old lady slowly tilts to one side, so 2 nurses put her back up. In half an hour, the old lady tilts to the other side, so the same nurses pick her back up again.

When the woman's son comes to see how she's doing, he says, "Have the nurses been treating you well?"

"Yes," replied his mum. "But they won't let me fart!"

[worldangel]

Joke:Sexual problem

"Doctor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can’t get it up for my wife anymore.

"Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on."

The doctor took the husband aside. "You’re in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn’t give me an erection either."

[worldangel]

Joke: Meatloaf

A man is talking to the family doctor. "Doc, I think my wife’s going deaf."

The doctor answers, "Well, here’s something you can try on her to test her hearing. Stand some distance away from her and ask her a question. If she doesn’t answer, move a little closer and ask again. Keep repeating this until she answers.

Then you’ll be able to tell just how hard of hearing she really is." The man goes home and tries it out. He walks in the door and says, "Honey, what’s for dinner?" He doesn’t hear an answer, so he moves closer to her. "Honey, what’s for dinner?" Still no answer.

He repeats this several times, until he’s standing just a few feet away from her. Finally, she answers, "For the eleventh time, I said we’re having MEATLOAF!"

[worldangel]

Joke:The dentist & patient

Dentist begging the patient: Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?

Patient: Why? Doc, it isn’t all that bad this time.

Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don’t want to miss the 4 o’clock ball game.

[worldangel]

Joke: Old couple

An old couple were watching television one evening. The wife said "I am going to get a dish of ice-cream".

The husband said "I will get you some ice cream". "I'll write it down so you don't forget" she said. "I won't forget" he said. "But I want chocolate syrup and nuts on it so I'll write it down" she said. "I will get you the ice cream don't you worry" he said.

A few minutes later he returned with bacon and eggs and she said "I should have written it down because you forgot the toast"

[worldangel]

Joke:The evils of drink

The minister was preaching on the evils of drink.

He first said that he would like to gather up all the wine and dump it in the river.

Then he moved on to beer, and said he would like to get all the beer and dump it in the river as well.

The minister added that all other forms of alcohol ought to be dumped into the river.

At this point the choir director’s face began to show a worried look.

The first hymn they were scheduled to sing was “Shall We Gather At the River?”

[worldangel]

Joke:Here is a deal

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, "Here’s a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside.

The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I'll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks." The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator's mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head.

The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It's a woman. "I'll give it a try," she says, "but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle."

[worldangel]

Joke: Take another card

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas."

He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him.

Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Here is the money

Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money.

They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill.

"Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.

[worldangel]

Joke: The ethics

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business. "Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material.

You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills. Now, here’s where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?

[worldangel]

Joke: Watch your money

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health."

So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

[worldangel]

Joke: The psychiatrist

A guy tells his psychiatrist: ‘It was terrible. I was away on business, and I emailed my wife that I’d be back a day early. I rushed home from the airport and found her in bed with my best friend. I don’t get it. How could she do this to me?"

"Well," says the psychiatrist. "Maybe she didn’t see the email.

[worldangel]

Joke: Douchebag

A man is driving his five year old to a friend’s house when another car races in front and cuts them off, nearly causing an accident.

"Douchebag!" the father yells. A moment later he realizes the indiscretion, pulls over, and turns to face his son. "Your father just said a bad word," he says.

"I was angry at that driver, but that was no excuse for what I said. It was wrong. But just because I said it, it doesn’t make it right, and I don’t ever want to hear you saying it.

Is that clear?" His son looks at him and says: "Too late, douchebag

[worldangel]

Joke: Comedians

Three comedians are shooting the breeze at the back of a nightclub after a late gig.

They’ve heard one another’s material so much, they’ve reached the point where they don’t need to say the jokes anymore to amuse each other – they just need to refer to each joke by a number. "Number 37!" cracks the first comic, and the others break up. ""Number 53!" says the second guy, and they howl.

Finally, it’s the third comic’s turn. "44!" he quips. He gets nothing. Crickets. "What?" he asks, "Isn’t 44 funny?" "Sure, it’s usually hilarious," they answer. "But the way you tell it…

[worldangel]

Joke:Measure of manliness

3 guys get pulled over by a woman cop.

They tried to get out of the speeding ticket, so the woman said if all ur dicks equal up to 15 inches ill let you off.

The driver pulls out his dick which is 7 inches.

The guy in the front of the passenger seat pulls his out which is 6 inches.

The last guy in the back pulls his out and it's 2 inches.

So they get out of the ticket.

After a while they hear the guy laughing hysterically in the back.

The driver asks, "What's wrong why are you laughing?" the guy in back says good thing I was popping a boner.

[worldangel]

Joke:Marathon sex

A doctor had just finished a marathon sex session with one of his patients. He was resting afterwards and was feeling a bit guilty because he thought it wasn’t really ethical to screw one of his patients.

However, a little voice in his head said "Lots of other doctors have sex with their patients so it’s not like you’re the first...".

This made the doctor feel a little bit better until still another voice in his head said, "... but they probably weren’t veterinarians".

[worldangel]

Joke: New Year’s Eve

On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing.

As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

[worldangel]

Joke: Tattoo Parlour

This woman walks into a tattoo parlour and asks for a tattoo of a Christmas tree on her right inner thigh and a cocktail drink on her left inner thigh.

The tattoo artist says that’s an unusual request. "Why do you want two tattoos there?" So she says "Because my husband needs to eat between Christmas and New Year."

[clementi]

Joke: Contest

A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: “Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent between the legs o’ me wife.”

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. “I won the contest for the best toast of the night,” he replied.

She then asked what his toast was. He said, “Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent in church with me wife.” “How sweet of you to include me in your toast,” his wife replied.

While out shopping the following morning, Mrs. Murphy ran into the local policeman on the beat, who also attended the Toastmasters meetings.

“Mornin’ Mrs. Murphy,” he said. “That was a wonderful toast your husband gave last night. He won first prize.”

“Well, I’m afraid he wasn’t quite honest with the facts,” Mrs. Murphy replied. “He’s only been there twice. The first time he fell asleep, and the second time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”

[clementi]

Joke: Biopsy

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, ‘Hello.’

‘Mrs. Sanders, please.’ ‘Speaking.’

‘Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband’s doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.’

‘What do you mean?’ Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

‘Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can’t tell which is which.’

‘That’s dreadful! Can you do the test again?’ questioned Mrs. Sanders.

‘Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.’

‘Well, what am I supposed to do now?’

‘The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him

[clementi]

Joke: Johnny’s mom

Johnny’s mom is in the kitchen and she decides to check on her son who is playing in the living room.

Little Johnny is playing with his train set, he pulls the train into the station and says, “Whoever needs to get the hell off the train, and who ever needs to come on the train get the hell on.”

Little Johnny’s mom is furious and pulls him by the arm and throws him in his room and says to him, “You will stay in here until you learn not to curse.”

3 hours go by and little Johnny comes out of his room and says to his mother that he learned his lesson. Little Johnny goes back to his train and he says, “All passengers please climb aboard the train.” He watches his mother smile and walk back into the kitchen and then start to wash the dishes.

Little Johnny then turns to his train and says; “If anyone was wondering about the 3 hour delay, talk to the bitch in the kitchen.”

[clementi]

Joke: Deathbed

The old man in his deathbed looks his wife in the eye: “Honey, please be honest with me. I’m not long for this world, and something has really been eating at me for a while. I’ve always found our 6th son a bit weird…different, if you may. He has a different father from the other ones, hasn’t he?”

The wife, in tears and sobbing uncontrollably, asks for forgiveness and buries her face in her hands, while nodding. The husband, curious: “So, who’s the father?” The wife, very sincere, answers “It’s you…”

[clementi]

Joke: Stimulation

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?”

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, “You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!”

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”

Little Mary’s mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, “Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!”

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, “The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”

Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Billy,” then turned to Mary and continued. “As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:

One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn’t read your homework And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed.”

[clementi]

Joke: Biker at bar

A biker walks into a bar and sits down on a bar stool near the end of the bar.

He takes a look at the menu and it reads as follows:

Hamburger – 2.99

Cheeseburger – 3.99

Chicken Sandwich – 4.99

Hand Jobs – 19.99

The crusty old biker waves the bartender down, and up walks this tall, busty, beautiful redhead in her mid-twenties. She smiles at the biker coyly, and he asks in a quiet voice “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” The bartender blushes slightly and says “Yes, I am” with a sexy little smile.

The biker grins and says “Well wash your hands, because I want a cheeseburger.”

[clementi]

Joke: Grocery store

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the grocery storewhen they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too… I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”

The old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her… what does she look like?” The young guy says, “Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, is buxom wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?’

To which the old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, let’s look for you