Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny wants some ice cream

 

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen. She says, “Put that away Johnny! You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.”

 

Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” Trying to placate him, she says, “OK, I’ll play with you. What do you want to play?” He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.”

 

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “Fine, I’ll play. What do I do?” Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs.

 

Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his father’s old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now?” In a gruff manner, Johnny says, “Get your butt downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Dentist’s Clinic

 

One day, a man walks into a dentist’s office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. “Eighty dollars,” the dentist says. “That’s a ridiculous amount,” the man says. “Isn’t there a cheaper way?”

 

“Well,” the dentist says, “if you don’t use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60.” Looking annoyed the man says, “That’s still too expensive!” “Okay,” says the dentist. “If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20.”

 

“Nope,” moans the man, “it’s still too much.” “Well,” says the dentist, scratching his head, “if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10.” “Marvelous,” says the man, “book my wife for next Tuesday!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage Conclusion

 

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

 

As she sat by him, he said, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”

 

“What dear?” She asked gently.

“I think you bring me bad luck.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Change me

 

“Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.

 

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market,” said the man.

 

“Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend. “I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: His last wishes

 

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

 

“Sidney thought of everything,” she told them. “Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. ‘Tillie,’ he told me, ‘I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then, I can rest in peace’.”

 

“What was in the envelopes?” her friends asked.

 

“The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, ‘Please use this money to buy a nice casket.’ So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.”

 

“The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, ‘Please use this for a nice funeral ‘I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending.”

 

“And the third envelope?” asked her friends.
“The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, ‘Please use this to buy a nice stone.’”

 

Holding her hand in the air, Tillie said…
“So, do you like my stone?” showing off her 10 carat diamond ring.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Love life

 

A guy went to a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his sex life.

The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didn’t seem to be getting a clear picture of the problems.

 

Finally, he asked, “Do you ever watch your girlfriend’s face while you’re having sex?”

“Well, yes, I did once.”

 

“Well, how did she look?”

“Oh boy, she looked VERY angry!”

 

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, “Well that’s very interesting, we must look into this further.

 

Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriend’s face once during sex; that seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?”

 

“She was watching us through the window.”

 

 

 

Joke: Old man sitting

 

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help but notice how happy you look,” she said.

 

“What’s your secret for a long, happy life?” “I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise,” he replied.

 

“Wow, that’s amazing,” she said, “How old are you?” “Twenty-six.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy walks into a bar

 

 

A guy walks into a bar with his Pet Monkey Key-Key. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. Key-Key grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

 

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron. “He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and he has his monkey Key-Key with him. He orders a drink and Key-Key starts running around the bar again.

 

While the man is drinking, the Key-Key finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?” “Now what?” asks the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replies the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Upstairs with uncle Greg

 

“Hello?”

“Hi sweetheart this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”

“No Daddy.

She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Greg.”

After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But sweetheart, y

ou haven’t got an Uncle Greg.”

“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”

Brief Pause.

 

“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”

“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”

 

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. “I did it Daddy.”

“And what happened sweetheart?” he asked.

 

“Well, Mommy got all scared,jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming.Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”

“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Greg?”

 

“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”

***Long Pause***

 

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? Is this 367-5690?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I want to buy that

 

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn’t serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

 

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn’t serve blondes.

 

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

 

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn’t serve blondes.

 

The blonde asks the clerk, “How in the world do you know I am a blonde?”

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,”That’s not a TV — it’s a microwave!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunk

 

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears he has already had plenty to drink and that he could not be served additional liquor. The bartender offers to call a cab for him.

 

 

The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down from the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and – still politely if not more firmly – refuses service to the man and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

 

 

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is drunk and will be served no drinks. He then tells him that he can either call a cab or the police immediately.

 

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish cries, “Man! How many bars do you work at?”

Joke: Arsenic

 

Diane walks into the drug store and asks the druggist for some arsenic.

The druggist asks “Ma’am, what do you want with arsenic?”.

 

Diane replies “I want to kill my husband.”

“I can’t sell you any for that reason” says the druggist.

 

Diane then reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo of a man and a women in a compromising position – the man is her husband and the lady is the druggist’s wife – and shows it to the druggist.

He looks at the photo and says… “Oh I didn’t know you had a prescription!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old couple

 

An 80 year old couple have been married for nearly 60 years and the husband has become Ill, so the wife takes him to the emergency room.

 

The doctor does a preliminary exam and tells the man that he needs to get a blood sample, a urine sample and a stool sample for more tests.

 

The man doesn’t hear very well so he looks up and asks his wife what the Doctor said.

 

“William, relax, the Doctor just says he wants to borrow your underpants for a few minutes.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind man

 

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head.

 

The manager runs up to the man and asks, “What are you doing?!!” The blind man replies, “Just looking around.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mary had twins

 

Mary Klien was a woman who was pregnant with twins, and shortly before they were due, she had an accident and went into a coma. Her husband was away on business, and unable to be reached. While in the coma, she gave birth to her twins, and the only person around to name her children was her brother Dave.

 

When Mary came out of her coma to find she had given birth and that her brother Dave had named the twins, she became very worried, because he wasn’t a very bright guy. She was sure he had named them something absurd or stupid.

 

When she saw her brother she asked him about the twins.

He said, “The first one was a girl.”

 

Mary: “What did you name her?!?”

Dave: “Denise!”

 

The Mom: “Oh, wow, that’s not bad! What about the second one?”

Dave: “The second one was a boy.”

 

The Mom: “Oh, and what did you name him?”

Dave: “Denephew.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Duncan decides to take a vacation

 

Duncan McDaniel decides to take a vacation. So he flies off to Canada for six weeks of hunting and camping.

 

The guide tells Duncan they have hire all the equipment for the duration, Duncan says (with his heavy scottish accent) “Oh eye that’s fantastic Paulâ”.

 

The guide also explains that they’ll be hunting moose, and bear, and fishing for salmon and they’ll be walking for eight hours before setting up camp. After eight hours of walking they set up camp, and settle down by the camp fire with a hot mug of coffee.

 

After about 5 minutes this huge moose comes barging through the camp and completely trashes it, while Duncan and the guide dive for cover behind a bush and a boulder. Duncan pops his head from behind the boulder and shouts (scottish accent) “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?”

 

The guide shouts back “THAT WAS A MOOSE!!!” Duncan shouts back “IF THAT’S MOUSE, HOW BIG ARE THE FUCKING CATS AROUND HERE?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Expecting  a baby

 

For weeks a 6-year old Little Kevin kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

 

One day the mother allowed Little Kevin to feel the movements of the unborn child.

Little Kevin was obviously impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

 

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, “Kevin, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?”

 

Little Kevin burst into tears and confessed, “I think Mommy ate it!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You’re next

 

 

One day a man, went to a wedding and sitting next to him was the bride’s grandma.

 

After the ceremony, she nudged the man and said “You’re next!”

 

The next week the bride died in a car accident, and the man and the Grandma went to the funeral.

 

As they were in line waiting to say their goodbyes, the man nudged the man nudged the Grandma and said, “Just wait, you’re next!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctors

 

 

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to the new doctor.

 

At the first house a woman complained, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.” The older doctor said, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”

 

As they left the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman. How’d you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.”

 

“Huh,” the younger doctor said, “pretty sneaky. I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with another woman. She complained that she just didn’t have the energy she once did, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”

 

You’ve probably been doing too much work for the church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

 

As they left, the elder doc said, “Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?”

 

“Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed.”

[worldangel]

Joke: First class

 

 

A blonde sitting in economy class on a flight going to Chicago suddenly stands up and sits down in a seat in first class. A flight attendant watching her goes over to her and says, “Excuse me miss, you can’t sit here. You paid for an economy ticket.” The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m staying here until we get to Chicago.”

 

 

The flight attendant tries to tell her to go sit back in economy class, but the blonde repeats the phrase over and over, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, and I’m staying here until we get to Chicago.” Then, the flight attendant goes into the cockpit and asks the pilot and co-pilot if they can help her with the blonde.

 

 

The pilot agrees, and to his disappointment the same thing happens again. Then, the co-pilot says, “Wait, did you say she’s blonde? I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde. Let me try.” So he goes to first class, whispers in the blonde’s ear, and she quickly apologizes and sits back in economy again.

 

The flight attendant and the pilot are amazed and ask him how he did it. The co-pilot replies, “I told her that first class wasn’t going to Chicago.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Really old couple

 

A really old couple is having another couple over for dinner. While the two women are fixing the dinner, the men start talking and one says to the other one “I took my wife to a great restaurant last week – great food, huge portions, fantastic service, and low prices.”

 

The other man says “Sounds great. What was the name of the restaurant?” The man says “What’s the name of that red flower that you give to someone special?” “Carnation?” his friend asks. “No, that’s not it.” “Poppy?” he asks again.

 

“No, that’s not it either.” “Rose?” he asks. “That’s it. Now I remember. Hey Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mommy test

 

 

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

 

“Why?” my daughter asked.

“Because it’s been on the ground, you don’t know where it’s been, it’s dirty, and probably has germs” I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Mommy, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart.”

 

I was thinking quickly. “All moms know this stuff. It’s on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.” We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

 

“OH…I get it!” she beamed, “So if you don’t pass the test you have to be the daddy.”

“Exactly” I replied back with a big smile on my face.

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Work at FBI

 

The FBI is considering three men to be hired. They bring them in to speak with the interviewer separately. The first man comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him “Do you love your wife?” so he replies “Yes I do, sir.” “Do you love your country?” asks the interviewer. “Yes I do, sir.”, interviewer continues, “What do you love more, your wife or your country?” he replies “My country, sir.” The interviewer looks at the man, “Okay. We brought in your wife. Take this gun and go into the next room and kill her.”

 

The man goes into the room, and all is silent for about 5 minutes. He comes back, with his tie loosened and he is all sweaty. He puts down the gun and leaves. The second guy comes in and sits down. The interviewer asks him the same questions, and the responses are the same. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy puts the gun down and says “I can’t do it…”

 

The third guy comes in, the same thing happens. The interviewer gives him a gun, and tells him to go kill his wife. The guy goes into the room, and BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! This is followed by a bunch of crashing sounds that end after a few minutes. The guy comes out of the room with his tie loosened, and puts the gun on the table. The interviewer looks at him and says “What happened?!?!”, to which the guy replies, “The gun you gave me was filled with blanks so I had to strangle her!”

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Pat the rabbit

 

 

Pat the Rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. “Wow, this is great,” he thought. It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight: lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.

 

Hey,” he called. “I’m Pat from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?”

 

“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good. “What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked. “Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.” This he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”

 

“You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.” The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. “Is there anything else you guys do?” he asked. One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. “There’s one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there,” he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. “They’re girls. We shag them. Go and try it.” Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. “That was fantastic,” he panted. “So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked. “I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.” The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. “Why? We thought you liked it here.”

 

“I do,” Pat the Rabbit replied. “But I must get back to the laboratory. I’m dying for a cigarette.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Life should be in reverse

 

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What is that, a bonus? I think the cycle is all backwards.

 

 

You should die first. Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young. You get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.

 

 

You do drugs and alcohol. You party. You get ready for High School. You go to grade school and become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a baby. You go into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating…you finish off as an orgasm.

 

[clementi]

Joke: Redneck vacation

 

Cletus and Jed were talking one afternoon when Cletus tells Jed, “Ya know, I reckon I’m ’bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I’m gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go.

 

Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Betty Lou got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Betty Lou got pregnant again.

 

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Betty Lou didn’t get pregnant again.”

Jed asks Cletus, “So, what you gonna do this year that’s different?”

 

Cletus says, “This year I’m taking Betty Lou with me.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Jason walks into a bar

 

Jason Osgood walks in to a bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender gives him his drink.

Jason says to the bartender, “I’ll bet you $50 that I can bite my ear!”

The bartender says, “All right”

Jason takes out his false teeth and bites his ear. The bartender pays him his $50.

Jason orders another drink. The bartender returns with his drink and sets it on the bar.

Jason says to the bartender, “I’ll bet you $50 that I can lick my eye!”

 

The bartender smiles and says, *I know you can’t do that.”

Jason takes out his false eye, licks his eye and puts it back in.

The bartender pays Jason $50 and walks away mad.

 

Jason gets up and mingles for a while. Twenty minutes later Jason sits back down at the bar and orders another drink. The bartender comes back with his drink.

Jason says to him “How would you like a chance to win your $100 dollars back?”

The bartender looks at him and says, “All right what are you going to do this time?”

 

Jason says, “You take that beer mug and slide it all the way down the bar and I’ll pee in it and won’t miss a single drop.

 

The bartender accepts and slides the mug down the bar.

Jason starts pissing and pisses all over the bar, on the cups, the whiskey, just everywhere.

The bartender says [with a smile], “You owe me a hundred dollars!”

 

Jason pays him and walks away.

Twenty minutes later Jason returns to the bar with a smile, and orders another drink.

The bartender brings him his drink and says, “Why are you so happy you just lost a hundred dollars?”

 

Jason says, “Well, you see those 3 guys over there? I bet them $200 a piece that I could piss all over your bar and you wouldn’t get mad!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Donation

 

A very rich fun lawyer is approached by the United Way. The man from the United Way is concerned that the lawyer made over $1,000,000.00 last year but didn’t donate even a cent to a charity.

 

“First of all”, says the lawyer, “my mother is sick and dying in the hospital, and it’s not covered by healthcare. Second, I had five kids through three divorced marriages. Third, my sister’s husband suddenly died and she has no one to support her four children…”

 

“I’m terribly sorry”, says the United Way man, “I feel bad about asking for money.”

The Lawyer responds, “Yeah, well if I’m not giving them any money, why should I give you any?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Three inch man
 

A man walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, give me two shots.” Bartender says, “You want them both now or one at a time?” The guy says,” Oh, I want them both now. One’s for me and one’s for this little guy here,” and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

 

The bartender asks “He can drink?”

“Oh, sure. He can drink.”

 

So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up.

“That’s amazing” says the bartender. “What else can he do, can he walk?”

 

The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, “Hey, Randy. Go get that.” The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man.

The bartender is in total shock. “That’s amazing” he says, “what else can he do? Does he talk?”

 

The man says “Sure he talks, hey, Randy, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor’s powers!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Taxi driver

 

A taxi passenger tapped the taxi driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

 

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, “Look man, don’t ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!” The passenger apologized and said, “I didn’t realize that a little tap would scare you so much.

 

“The driver replied, “Sorry, it’s not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I’ve been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Parachuting

 

A blind man was describing his favorite sport, which is parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”

 

“But how do you know when you are about to land?” he was asked. “I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground” he answered.

 

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes slack.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A good Samaritan

 

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk “do you live here?” “Yep”.

 

“Would you like me to help you upstairs?” “Yep”. When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked “Is this your floor?” “Yep”.

 

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn’t want to face the man’s irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk.

 

So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk “Do you live here?” “Yep”. “Would you like me to help you upstairs?” “Yep”. So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

 

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried “Please officer, protect me from this man.

 

He’s been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Mary Ann went to her doctor

 

Mary Ann went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

 

“Doctor, the hormones you’ve been giving me have really helped, but I’m afraid that you’re giving me too much. I’ve started growing hair in places that I’ve never grown hair before.”

 

The doctor reassured her. “A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?”

“On my balls.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Biker bar

 

Three dudes were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 guys sitting at a corner table.

 

He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, “I went by your grandma’s house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!” The biker looked at him and didn’t even say a word. His bros were confused,because he was a bad ass, and would fight at he drop of a hat.

 

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!” The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad.

 

The drunk leaned on the table again and said, “I’ll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!” The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, “Damn it, Grandpa, you’re drunk! Go home!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Jim the banker

 

A young banker named Jim decided to get his first tailor made suit. So he went to the finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later he went in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked stunning, he felt that in this suit he can do business.

 

As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to put his hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were no pockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, “Didn’t you tell me you were a banker?”

 

Jim answered, “Yes, I did.”

To this the tailor said, “Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in his own pockets?”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Randy was being mugged

 

Randy was being mugged by two thugs put up a tremendous fight! Finally, the thugs subdued him and took his wallet.

 

Upon finding only two dollars in the wallet, the surprised thug said “Why did you put up such a fight?”

 

To which Randy promptly replied “I was afraid that you would find the $200 hidden in my shoe!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Local bar

 

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

 

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice

 

“I’d like to try the bet.” After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

 

But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man…

 

“What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, what?”

The man replied, “I work for the Inland Revenue.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bubba and Clyde

 

Two rednecks Bubba and Clyde decided that they weren’t going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

Clyde went in to see the counselor, who told him to take math, history, and logic.

“What’s logic?” Clyde asked.

 

 

The professor answered, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?”

“I sure do.” “Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replied the professor.

“That’s real good!” said Clyde.The professor continued, “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house.”

Impressed, the redneck said, “Amazing!”

 

 

“And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife.”

“That’s Betty Mae! This is incredible!”The redneck was catching on.

 

“Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual,” said the professor.

“You’re absolutely right! Why that’s the most fascinatin’ thing I ever heard! I cain’t wait to take that logic class!”

 

Clyde, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway where his friend was still waiting.“So what classes are ya takin’?” asked Bubba.

“Math, history, and logic!” replied Clyde.

“What in tarnation is logic?” asked Bubba.

 

 

“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?” asked Clyde.

“No,” Bubba replied.

“You’re queer, ain’t ya?” 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny likes to gamble

 

 

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny’s daddy thinks, “I’ll get a head start on Johnny’s gambling.”

 

So he calls the teacher and says, “My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you’ll have to keep an eye on him.”

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

 

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, “Hi, my name is Johnny.”

She says yes I know who you are.

 

Johnny smiles and says, “I bet you ten dollars you’ve got a mole on your butt.”

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

 

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, “Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost.”

 

The teacher says, “Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem.”

Johnny’s dad laughs and says, “No you didn’t, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he’d see your ass before the day was over.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde at football game

 

A guy decides to bring his new blonde girlfriend to a football game. After the game is over, he asks her if she liked the game.

 

 

She replies: “Oh it was great, I loved watching those men in tight clothes, but there is one thing I don’t understand.”

 

 

“What did you not understand ?”

 

 

And the blonde says: “Well, at the beginning of the game, both teams flipped a quarter to see who would kick off first. Then the rest of the game everybody was yelling get the quarter back, get the quarter back, get the quarter back. So I thought to myself, gosh it’s just a quarter!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor Levins

 

Doctor Levins has some trouble with the kitchen sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told that it’s his day off.

 

“But I get called out on my days off, to!” says Doctor Levins, somewhat exasperated.” So, the plumber relents.

 

The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands Doctor Levins a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying, “Put these in. If it doesn’t clear up in 24 hours, call me tomorrow.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It hurts

 

A blonde girl walks into a doctor’s office. She gets in the room with the doctor and says, “Doc, I hurt all over.” The doctor is really confused. He says, “What do you mean, you hurt all over?” The blonde says, “I’ll show you.”

 

She then touches herself on her left leg. “OW!!! I hurt there.” Then she touches her earlobe. “OW!!!!!! I hurt there too!” Then she touches her hair. “OW!!!!! EVEN MY HAIR HURTS!”

 

So the doctor sits back and thinks on it for 5 min. Then he says, “Tell me, is blonde your natural hair color?” The blonde says “Yes, why?”

 

The doctor says, “Well, you got a broken finger…”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Never paid

 

A man in a bar had a couple of beers, and the bartender told him he owed 4 dollars.

“But I paid, don’t you remember?” said the customer.

“Okay,” said the bartender. “If you say you paid, you did.”

 

The man then went outside and told a friend that the bartender couldn’t keep track of his customers’ bills. The second man then rushed in and ordered a beer. When it came time to pay he pulled the same stunt.

 

The barkeep replied, “If you say you paid, I’ll take your word for it.”

Soon the customer went into the street, saw an old friend, and told him how to get free drinks.

 

The man hurried into the bar and began to drink high balls when, suddenly, the bartender leaned over and said, “You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched right in the nose.”

 

“Don’t bother me with your troubles,” the final patron responded. “Just give me my change and I’ll be on my way.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Famous Lawyer

 

A new client had just come in to see a famous lawyer.

“Can you tell me how much you charge?”, said the client.

 

“Of course”, the lawyer replied, “I charge $200 to answer three questions!”

“Well that’s a bit steep, isn’t it?”

 

“Yes it is”, said the lawyer, “And what’s your third question?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunk pukes

 

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn, he says “I puked on my shirt again. If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me”

 

“Not to worry”, says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill”

 

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

 

The drunk replies, “ah, yeah, he crapped in my pants”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Elevator

 

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

 

The boy asked his father, “What is this, Father?” The father [never having seen an elevator] responded “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

 

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.

 

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

 

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, “Go get your mother.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Four-letter word

 

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

 

“I’m O. K. but I didn’t like the four letter-word the doctor used in surgery,” he answered.

 

“What did he say,” asked the nurse.

 

“Oops!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Pulled over

 

Police Officer Bob pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy’s window and says “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”

 

The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.”

 

“Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.”

“I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.”

“Well, then we need a urine sample.”

 

“I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I’ll get really low blood sugar.”

 

“Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.”

“I can’t do that, officer.”

 

“Why not?”

“Because I’m too drunk to do that.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pa won’t like it

 

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn.

 

 

The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Billy Bob, forget your troubles. Come in and visit with us. I’ll help you get the wagon up later.”

 

 

“That’s mighty nice of you,” Billy Bob answered, “but I don’t think my Pa would like me to.”

“Aw, come on boy,” the farmer insisted.

“Well okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “but my Pa won’t like it.”

 

After a hearty dinner, Billy Bob thanked his host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know my Pa is going to be real mad.”

 

 

“Don’t be foolish!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is your Pa?”

“Under the wagon.”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two employees

 

Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, “Geez, you’re old!”

 

“Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you,” replied the older employee.

“How about a foot race to see if your’e right,” said the younger employee.

 

With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an elderly woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind them.

 

The old woman caught her breath and said, “Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I’d better run too!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pleading guilty

 

The local game warden in a small town in Oregon had arrested a man for killing and eating an Egret. The man went before a judge to plead his case. After pleading guilty, but with an explanation, the judge asked him why he did it.

 

“I was just trying to feed my hungry family,” he told the judge, “and I’ve never done anything like that before.”

 

The judge, being a family man himself, had a soft heart and agreed to let the man go free, since he was only trying to feed his starving family and it was his first and only offense.

 

“Before you go, though, I want to ask you a question,” the judge quipped, “What does Egret taste like?”

 

“Well your Honor,” the man told him, “It’s not as tender as Spotted Owl but it’s better than Bald Eagle!”

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Koala

 

A koala walks into a bar one night, slams his paw down on the table, and orders a drink. When he’s done, slam goes his paw again for more. This goes on for about half an hour, and just when he was going to do it again, the barkeep told him if he was looking for a good time, there was someone in the back room who could help him, the koala decides why not and goes into the back room.

 

There he meets a prostitute who is waiting for him. That night he has the best sex he has ever had. After the prostitute turns to the koala and says, “How about my money,” the koala looked confused and the prostitute brought out a dictionary and it said…PROSTITUTE: Has sex for money.

 

So in response the koala turn to the definition for the koala and it says. KOALA: Eats bush and leaves.