Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

A friend asked a gentleman how it is that he never married? Replied the gentleman, "Well, I guess I just never met the right woman. I guess that I have been looking for the perfect girl."

"Oh, come on now," said the friend, "Surely you have met at least one girl that you wanted to marry."

"Yes, there was a girl, once. I guess she was the one perfect girl - the only perfect girl I really ever met. She was just the right everything. I really mean that she was the perfect girl for me." replied the gent.

"Well, why didn't you marry her," asked his friend.

The gent replied, "She was looking for the perfect man."

[Buaya]

Eww!...

[worldangel]

A 70-year-old man sat down in the orthopedic surgeon's office. "You know, Doc," he said, "I've made love in more exotic cars than anyone I know. Must be at least a thousand."

"And now, I suppose, you want me to treat you for the arthritis you got from scrunching up in all those uncomfortable positions," the doctor said.

"Heck, no," the old fellow replied. "I want to borrow your sports car Lamborghini."

[worldangel]

(part a)

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery. The day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing.

The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

(part b)

A bodybuilder was busy training on the beach when a couple of young girls came running past. He saw this and started posing for them. He showed them his biceps and said, "Ten pounds of dynamite!" And, the girls almost fainted.

Next he showed them his bulging chest and said, "Twenty pounds of dynamite!" And, the girls started screaming.

At this stage the bodybuilder was so full of it, that he desired to show them his legs. He bulged his left leg and suddenly his pants fell down.

One of the girls shouted, "Let's run for it. Look how short his cock is!"

[worldangel]

Cindy and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they hadn't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc. and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Cindy said, "It's okay. We get it on every week or so but it's no big adventure.

How's yours?"

Sally replied, "It's just great, ever since we got into S & M."

Cindy is aghast. "Really Sally! I never would have guessed that you would go for that sort of thing."

"Oh, sure," says Sally. "He snores (S) while I masturbate (M)."

[worldangel]

There was a romantic full harvest moon rising on the eastern horizon. Ma and Pa, both in their seventies, were enjoying the beautiful autumn evening together, sitting on their front porch swing, rocking gently.

Suddenly, Pa turned his head and said to Ma, "Screw you, Ma!"

A minute or two went by. Then Ma turned her head toward Pa and calmly replied, "Screw you, Pa."

Again, another minute passed, and Pa said to Ma, "Screw you, Ma."

Another minute went by, and Ma said to Pa, "Screw you, Pa."

Yet another minute elapsed, and Pa responded to Ma, "Screw you, Ma."

A minute later, Ma said to Pa, "Screw you, Pa."

There was no reply - just complete silence for several minutes.

Then, Pa turned to Ma and said, "I don't know about you Ma, but I really don't get too much out of this oral sex!"

[worldangel]

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current picture. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts one in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother.

The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong part, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style - It makes your nose look long."

[worldangel]

An 80-year-old millionaire becomes engaged to a beautiful 22-year-old model. He goes to his doctor for a checkup a couple of weeks before the wedding date.

The doctor looks him over and says, "Arnold, you seem completely healthy but I must tell you one thing."

"What's that, Doc?" asks the millionaire.

"At your age, sex can be dangerous, and you need to watch it, take care it could be really deadly," the doctor replies.

Arnold thinks for a minute and then says, "Oh, what the hell - If she dies, she dies."

[worldangel]

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, "Mother of Six," in spite of her objections.

One night they went to a party. The man decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouted at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!" (ie. Fxxk)

[worldangel]

The wealthy old gentleman and his wife were celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary, and their three grown sons joined them for dinner.

The old man was rather irritated when he discovered none of the boys had bothered to bring a gift, and after the meal, he drew them aside.

"You are all grown men," he said, "and old enough to hear this. Your mother and I have never been legally married."

"What?" gasped one of the sons. "Do you mean to say we're all bastards?"

"Yes," snapped the old man, "and cheap ones, too!" :oops:

[IkuTube]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today."

[worldangel]

A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well.

He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming. He panicked and started to pray, "God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I'll stop drinking."

Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer! He prayed again, "God, please get my foot out and I'll stop drinking AND smoking."

Still nothing, and the train was just seconds away! He tried it one more time, "God, please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I'll quit drinking, smoking, and having sex with all the women I meet."

Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed. He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, "Thanks anyway God. I got it myself."

[worldangel]

An old gentleman in a nursing home placed a sigh on his door that announced "STUD SERVICE." Within a few minutes, and old lady seeing the sign went into his room and asked, "How much do you charge?"

To which he replied, "$5.00 on the floor, $10.00 on the couch, $20.00 on the bed."

The lady gave him a $20.00 bill.

He asked, "One on the bed?" No, replied the lady, "Four times on the floor."

[worldangel]

A woman is in bed with her lover who also happens to be her husband's best friend. They make love for hours, and afterwards, while they're just laying there, the phone rings.

Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. Her lover looks over at her and listens, only hearing her side of the conversation.

Speaking in a cheery voice, the woman says, "Hello? Oh, hi. I'm so glad that you called. Really? That's wonderful. I am so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

"Oh," she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with YOU."

[worldangel]

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner."

She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, that I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep.

Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."

[worldangel]

This ninety-year-old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink. He noticed a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar, and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.

As evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and the pair had wonderful conversation and got along well. Later, they went to her apartment, where they got it on.

Four or five days later, the old man noticed that he was developing a drip, and he headed for the rest home doctor. After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently.

The old man said, "Sure did, Doc!"

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

The old man said, "Sure, why?"

The doctor replied, "Well you'd better get over there - You're about to cum!"

[worldangel]

The old professor visited his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seemed fine. The doctor proceeded to ask him about his sex life.

"Well," the professor drawled, "not bad at all, to be honest. The wife isn't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around. In the past week, I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old!"

"My goodness, and at your age too," the doctor commented. "I hope you at least took some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I'm not senile yet, Doc. I gave 'em all a phony name and phone number."

[worldangel]

An escaped convict broke into a house on a dark street, and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives

depend on it."

"Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!"

[worldangel]

After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor. He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco, and advised to get at least eight hours of sleep per night.

Finally, the patient asked, "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be alright for me to have intercourse?"

"Just with your wife," responded the doctor. "We don't want you to get too excited."

[worldangel]

A woman went to her psychiatrist because she was having severe problems with her sex life. The psychiatrist asked her many questions, but did not seem to be getting a clear picture of her problems. Finally he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you are having sex?"

"Well, yes, I did once," replied the woman.

"Well, how did he look?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Very angry," replied the woman.

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he said, "Well that's very interesting. We must look into this further. Now tell me, you say that you have only seen your husband's face once during sex. That seems somewhat unusual. How did it occur that you saw his face that time?"

The wife answered, "He was looking through the window at us."

[Guest bearbear]

Husband & Wife likes to make love everynight. They have a 5yo son whom always notices that once they tuck him into bed everynight they go straight to their room and he can hear lots of noice coming from their room.

One day during breakfast he asked them, "mommy, daddy, what you all do everynight ah? after you put me to bed always so noisy one?"

The mommy replies, " oh, daddy & i were washing clothes" The son said "ok" and left it at that.

One sunday after church the wife went to a neighbour's house to play majong and after afew hours the husband asked the son to run over to pass a message to the wife(this was before the handphone age).

The boy runs next door and yells to his mother, "mommy, mommy, dad says he want to wash clothes, now!"

"Tell you father he has to wait, im winning at my game now" So the boy goes home and tells his father what mommy said.

2 hours passes and the husband asked his son to do the same thing again and the boys mother says the same thing back, the boy passes the same message to his father.

Another 2 hours passes and the boy was running to pass another message to his mother when he saw her walking along the corridoor, she says " boy, go back home lah, tell daddy i coming"

The son replies " oh, but its ok mommy. daddy say no need already lah. He already "hand wash", than after that daddy asked me to "blow dry"...............

kekeke

bb

[worldangel]

An 80-year-old man was having his annual checkup. The doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better," the old man replied. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that, Doc?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

The doctor continued, "So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a beaver in some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. BAM! The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

[worldangel]

A group of girlfriends are on vacation, when they see a 5-storey hotel with a sign that reads "For Women Only". Since they were without their boyfriends or parents, they decide to go in.

The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors...go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you what's inside".

So they start going up, and on the first floor the sign reads "All the men here have it short and thin" ....the friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the Second floor reads "All the men here have it long and thin".

Still, this wasn't good enough so the friends move up to the third floor, where the sign read "All the men here have it short and thick". This was still another disappointment, but knowing there are still 2 floors left, they move on to the next floor.

On the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have it long and thick" The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is one floor left.

Wondering what they were missing, they go to the Fifth floor, where the sign read "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman"

[worldangel]

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[worldangel]

A blonde named Mary decides to do something really wild. Something she hasn't done before, so she goes out to rent her first X-rated adult video.

She goes to the video store, and after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.

She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR.

To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.

"I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape but static," she says.

"Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?" the clerk replies.

"Head Cleaner," Mary replies.

[worldangel]

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory.

He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet.

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner don't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it."

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?"

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?"

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

[worldangel]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.

He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.

He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh... she got fired too."

[worldangel]

A man was walking across the road when he met with an accident. The impact was on his head which caused him to be in a coma for 2 days. When he opened his eyes, his wife was by his side.

He told her (in tears), "When I was struggling with my studies in the University, I failed again and again. Sometimes I even have to re-take my papers. You were there by my side, encouraging me to go on trying"

She squeezed his hands as he continued, "When I went for major interviews and failed to clinch any of the jobs, you were there, cutting out the job ads for me to apply..." He added, "Then I started working in this little firm and finally got a big contract. I blew it because of a small mistake. But you are still there for me." His wife was in tears.

The man said, "I finally got a job after being laid off for quite some time. But I never seem to be promoted and my hard work was not recognized. I remained in the same position from the day I joined the company till now. You are still beside me..."

His wife's tears trickled down as she listened to him, "And now I met with an accident and when I woke up, you are here with now."

"There's something I'll really like to say to you..."

She flung herself on the bed and hugged her husband, sobbing with deep emotion. Finally her husband said, "I think you bring me bad luck."

[worldangel]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"

The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints.

After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle. He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint.

The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"

The monkey looks down and says, "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck........How much water did you drink?!"

[worldangel]

Two buddies were sharing drinks while discussing their wives. "Do you and your wife ever do it doggie style?" asked the first guy.

"Well, not exactly. She's more into the trick dog aspect of it." replied his friend.

"Oh, I see, kinky, huh?" asked the first guy.

"Well, not exactly. I sit up and beg; then she rolls over and plays dead."

[worldangel]

A tour bus takes off with a full load of senior citizens. Soon after, a little old lady taps the bus driver on the shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture many times.

The driver finally has to ask the old lady why she and her elderly friends don't eat the almonds themselves, where upon she replies that it's not possible because of their false teeth.

"We're not able to chew them."

"Why do you buy them then ? " the driver asks, feeling puzzled, where upon the old lady answers: " Oh, we just love the chocolate around them !"

[worldangel]

A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Everyday they would sit together to eat their lunch.

They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!

This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.

He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"

She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."

"Why?" he asked.

She pointed to her lap and said "Cause I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"

"Let me see" he said.

"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.

He looked and said, "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."

He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches, I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"

She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards"

[worldangel]

A father walks into the super-market followed by his ten-year-old son.

The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market, someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment, and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help.

A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the super-market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but only just) the man takes hold of the kid and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy coughs up the quarter, which the man catches in his free hand.

The man then walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son was fine, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the thanks. As he is about to leave, the father asks one last question. "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?"

"No," the man replies, "I work for Income Tax, and getting people to cough out money is my business."

[worldangel]

Since the wife is eight months into her pregnancy, the husband has to sleep on the floor to avoid any regrettable mistake, which might happen pretty easily, for he has been desperate for sex for quite a while now...

Just before lying down on the bed, she glances at him and sees the poor guy curled up on the floor, eyes staring widely into the empty air, filled with hopeless desire .... Feeling sorry for her husband, she opens the top drawer of the cabinet, takes out a fifty dollar bill, and gives it to him.

She says...

'Awww, honey you're so depressed... Here, take this and go to the woman next door, and she will let you sleep with her tonight.

But remember that this happens only once... Ok?...Don't think about it or ask me to do this again.

The husband rolls his eyes in disbelief, but afraid that she may change her mind, he grabs the money and leaves quickly.

A few minutes later, he returns, hands the bill back to the wife and says with much disappointment, "She said this is not enough, she wants sixty dollars..."

The wife's face slowly turns red with anger, "Damn that bitch...When she was pregnant and her husband came over here... I only charged him fifty..."

[worldangel]

CHILD: Dad, where did I come from?

DAD: Okay, we had to have this conversation some day!..

Listen...Dad and mom met in a chat room on the net. I set up a meeting with your mom and we landed in the bathroom at the Cyber Caf

[worldangel]

Two men met at a bus stop and struck up a conversation. One of them kept complaining of family problems. Finally, the other man said: "You think you have family problems? Listen to my situation....."

"A few years ago, I met a young widow with a grown-up daughter. We got married and I got myself a stepdaughter. Later, my father married my stepdaughter. That made my stepdaughter, my stepmother. And my father became my stepson. Also, my wife became mother-in-law of her father-in-law." "Much later the daughter of my wife, my stepmother, had a son. This boy was my half-brother because he was my father's son. But he was also the son of my wife's daughter, which made him my wife's grandson. That made me the grand-father of my half-brother."

"This was nothing until my wife and I had a son. Now the half-sister of my son, my stepmother, is also the Grandmother. This makes my father, the brother-in-law of my child, whose stepsister is my father's wife, I am my stepmother's brother-in-law, my wife is her own child's aunt, my son is my father's nephew & I am my OWN GRANDFATHER!" "And you think you have FAMILY PROBLEMS!?"

[worldangel]

Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks, 'What's that Mommy? 'A little embarrassed, she tells him that is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys.

Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season.

Tommy asks her, 'Where is your sponge mommy?' Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says OK and goes back to showering.

Soon,Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother's sponge.' What do you mean you found my sponge? "The lady next door has it and she's washing Daddy's face with it!'

[worldangel]

An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who was working in the yard. She asked him, 'Daddy, what is sex?' The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to get a straight answer.

He proceeded to tell her all about the 'birds and the bees'. When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open. The father asked her, 'Why did you ask this question?'

The little girl replied, 'Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs.'

[worldangel]

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms.

The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that.

Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents.

He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

[worldangel]

Some Gangsters were thinking of robbing a bank. They thought of the best plan that could be made and started to work. A day or two later they are able to get into the bank. There were hundreds of safes.

They open the first safe and the only thing they find in there is a vanilla pudding. The Head Gangster says "OK!" At least we can eat it." So they eat the pudding.

They open up the second Safe and there stays another pudding. So they devoured it too. This process goes on for the rest of the day until all the safes were opened.

There was no money nor jewellery. "Well," they say, "at least there is something for us to eat".

The next day, on the news they heard: "Yesterday the biggest sperm bank in the capital was robbed...."

[worldangel]

There was this blind guy waiting at the bus stop when a dog came along, sniffed his leg and peed all over it. The blind guy pulled out a piece of candy and put it down to the dog. A passer-by saw the spectacle and promptly went over to the blind man.

"What are you doing," the stranger asked, "You're not going to give that dog a piece of candy for peeing on you, are you?"

"No man," said the blind guy, " I want to know which end is his head so I can kick it in the ass."

[clementi]

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops-a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it.

The next day the same thing happened-Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him.

Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself.

So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not?"

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

Moral of the story: Be sure there is a problem in the first place before working hard to solve one.

[worldangel]

This guy walks into a bar. He walks up to the bartender and asks for a rum and coke.

The bartender puts an apple on the table...the guy looks at it and repeats..I said I want a rum and coke. The bartender says just try the apple. So the guy bites into the apple...and replies, wow this taste like rum. The bartender tells him to turn it around...he bites in again and replies, wow it taste like coke.

A minute later another guy walks into the bar and asks the bartender for a gin and tonic.

The bartender puts an apple on the table...this guy just as confused as the first explains he wants a gin and tonic. The guy next to him urges him to try it. So the guy bites into it...wow it taste like gin. The guy tells him to turn it around...he bites in it again...wow it taste like tonic.

Later that night another guy walks in a joins the two guys at the bar. The guys are so excited about these apples that they tell this guy that the bartender has an apple for which ever taste you want. So the guy asks for an apple that taste like pussy.

The bartender puts the apple on the table.....the guy bites into it and says...this taste like SHIT!!!

The bartender replies...turn it around!

[worldangel]

4 husbands were sitting at the waiting room in a hospital waiting for their wives to give birth. Soon, a nurse came out from the delivery room and told the first daddy: "Congratulations, you've got twins!".

"Oh!..... maybe it's just a coincidence" said the daddy, "as I'm working at the Petronas Twin Towers".

Then another nurse came out of the room and told the second daddy:

"Congratulations, you've got triplets!"

"Wooow!, this is a coincidence too" said the second daddy. "I am working for 3M Corporation".

A while later, another nurse appeared and told the third daddy:

"Congratulations! your wife got quadruplets"

"Thanks God. Perhaps this is also a coincidence". "I work at Four Seasons Hotel!".

Meanwhile, the fourth daddy-to-be was becoming very worried.

All the 3 daddies asked him: "Why do you look so worried?".

He answered, "I work at Seven-Eleven!"

[worldangel]

There was a world famous painter who, in the prime of her career, started losing her eyesight. Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world.

After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored. The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall.

When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, ''What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly painted office, especially that large eye on the wall?''

''Thank God I'm not a gynecologist.''

[worldangel]

The madam (mamasan) was experiencing hard times and began losing money.

Finally, in an effort to save her whore-house (brothel), she decided to replace her girls with inflatable dolls.

The first evening, two drunks stumbled in, paid their money, and repaired upstairs. A half hour later they came down and went to the bar next door to compare notes.

They sat there staring blearily at one another, and after a while the first drunk said, "I think mine was dead."

"Dead?" asked the second drunk? "How come you think she was dead?"

"Well," said the first drunk, "she didn't talk, she didn't move - she didn't do anything."

They sat a few more minutes, and then the second drunk said, "Well, I think mine was a witch."

"A witch? How come?" asked the first drunk.

"Well," he said, "when I leaned over to nibble her breast, she suddenly let out a long, loud fart and flew out the window."

[worldangel]

Wife: "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband: "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife: "Those they gave away free as novelty items."

Husband: "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two

thousand."

Wife: "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband: "That's where they held the auction."

[worldangel]

Two 90 year olds had been dating for a while, when the man told the woman, "Well, tonight's the night we have sex!"

And so they did.

As they are lying in bed afterward, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I knew she was a virgin, I would have been much gentler with her!"

And the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I knew the old geezer could actually get it up, I would have taken off my panty hose!"

[worldangel]

Mr. Tan, the anatomy instructor at a posh suburban girl

[worldangel]

A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium when a sudden gust of wind blew her over the railing. "Damn, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.

While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"

"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her.

As she passed the 12th floor, another man reached out and caught her. "Do you screw?" he asked.

"Of course not!" she exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.

The poor woman prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.

"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.