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Joke: Physical Check-Up A 92 year-old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. At his follow up visit the doctor talked to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" The man replied, "Just doing what you said Doctor, 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful'." The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

Joke: Doc, where the heart would be? Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast." Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

Actually it turns me on to see those totally sweaty runners with their shorts clinging to their butts and packets in the heat...

Joke: Last Wish Two men, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels. "Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do." O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done." "Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity." O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

Joke: Mink Coat A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm. "Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000." "No problem! I'll write you a checque!" "Very good, sir." says the shop owner. "Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the checque has cleared." So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your current account!!" "I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

Joke: An Oldman Routine Check-up An eighty-four-year-old man goes to the doctor for his routine check-up. The doctor says, “So, how are you feeling?” The old man replies, “Just great. I have a beautiful, 18-year-old bride, and she’s pregnant with my baby. What do you think of that?” The doctor’s eyebrows narrow. “Let me tell you a story about a hunter. There was once an avid hunter who went out to the mountains every year to go bear hunting. He had gotten into such a routine that one year he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his shotgun. “So he was out in the woods and a giant bear ran up to him, was just about to maul him the hunter grabbed his umbrella, pulled the open switch, and do you know what happened?” The old man was dumbfounded. “No, I don’t know,” said the old man. “The bear dropped dead right in front of him.” “Come on, that’s impossible,” the old man said. “Someone else must have shot it.” The doctor smiled and said, “That is just the point I am getting at.”