[Walter's thoughts] Relationship attachment styles - Which is yours?

[Walter]

I came across relationship attachment theories while I was puzzled about the guys that I have been dating. Seems like I am always drawn to a certain sort of guy, even though I know they are not suitable. 

 

Attachment style is something that is formed from our childhood experiences, and it became a working model for relationships in our adulthood. This influences how we react to our needs and what we do to meeting our needs. Hence this affects how we choose our partners, how we maintain the relationship as well as how relationships are ended.

 

The attachment styles are as below: (Paraphrased and simplified from here)

 

1. Secure Attachment

• Securely attached adults tend to be more satisfied in their relationships.
• A secure adult feels secure and connected with their partner, while allowing themselves and their partner to move freely and explore the world.
• Secure adults offer support when their partner feels distressed, they also go to their partner for comfort when they themselves feel troubled.
• Their relationship tends to be honest, open and equal, with both people feeling independent, yet loving toward each other

 

2. Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment

• People with an anxious attachment tend to be desperate to form a fantasy bond: a bond that may not have real acts of love, but simply a routine and role to fulfill in daily life.   
• Instead of feeling real love or trust toward their partner, they often feel emotional hunger (constant, underlying sense of want or that something is missing)
• They hope their partner could rescue / complete them.
• They may cling to partners for a sense of safety and security, but these actions push their partners away. When this happens, it worsen their fears. 
• When they feel unsure of their partner’s feelings and unsafe in their relationship, they often become clingy, demanding or possessive toward their partner.
• They may also perceive independent behaviours by their partner as affirmation of their fears. For example, if their partner starts socializing more with friends, they may think that the partner does not love them as much. 

 

3. Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment  

• People with a dismissive avoidant attachment have the tendency to emotionally distance themselves from their partner.
• They may seek isolation and feel “pseudo-independent,” 
• They often come off as focused on themselves and may focus a lot on what gives them comfort 
• Tend to lead more inward lives, both denying the importance of loved ones and detaching easily from them.
• They are guarded and have the ability to shut down emotionally.
• Even in heated or emotional situations, they are able to turn off their feelings and not react. "I don't care"

 

4. Fearful-Avoidant Attachment  

• A person with a fearful avoidant attachment are afraid of being both too close to or too distant from others. 
• They want to get close to others, yet at the same time they fear getting hurt if they get too close 
• They may cling to their partner when they feel rejected, then feel trapped when they are close.
• In other words, the person they want to go to for safety is the same person they are frightened to be close to.
• They often have fears of being abandoned but also struggle with being intimate. They cannot escape from these feelings and can get overwhelmed by their reactions and often experience emotional storms.
• As a result, they have no organized strategy for getting their needs met by others.
• As adults, these individuals tend to find themselves in rocky or dramatic relationships, with many highs and lows.
• Oftentimes, the timing seems to be off between them and their partner.

 

 

 

I found out that I actually am anxious-pre-occupied when I was dating. I was constantly unsure of my partner's feeling and feel unsafe, which led to some arguments. I also found out that my dates are usually avoidants (dismissive and fearful)

 

This is actually a very common combination due to their differences. As mentioned here:

 

Why the Anxious is Attracted to the Avoidant:

• The anxious person believes that they want more closeness than their partner is capable of. In addition, they believe they will be let down or hurt by their partner; this is the inevitable result when they pair with an avoidant.(Beliefs are confirmed)

• The anxious person tends to idolize avoidant tendencies. Self-sufficiency, independence, less need for another person — these are the qualities the anxious person wishes they had.

• The anxious person, being addicted to passion, mistakes the mixed signals sent by the avoidant for sparks of love. They think the avoidant might be coming around to loving them as they feel they should be, but the avoidant is just unsure what to do: they want to be in a relationship, yet they want to keep their independence.

 

 

After knowing this, I am trying to work my way to achieve a secure attachment style, and to red flag any dates that may be avoidant attachment style. 

Since then I felt that I understood better my choices of dates, and found myself much less uncertain and worried.

 

What is your attachment style? How about the guys that you have dated?

 

 

Edited June 18, 2019 by Walter

[Sex1234]

Hi Walter, thanks for the pointers. After reading it, I find myself landed into, No  2.anxious-preoccupied attachment. I only had a relationship once,but it was a short one, lasting for only 3 months. Shortly after my breakup, another guy offer to be my boyfriend but I rejected him as I find that it is not fair for both of us if I were to dive into another relationship shortly after. Lol ..

[Ben S]

Interesting read ... I suppose if I have to classify myself, I would belong to group 3. Dismissive-Avoidant Attachment

 

I'm a logical person, and some consider I'm slightly autistic ... which I think quite true.

I can state things as is , sometimes not considering how the other party may feel about it ... because my thoughts were they are true (facts, perhaps), whether like it or not.

 

I think communication can play a great role in making things work (or find out if things will not going to work)