Finding love organically

[Guest Lisab]

Is this possible? Will I basically be relying on apps and gay-oriented social events/outings if I ever want to get into a relationship?

 

I've just heard so much about how brutal or dare I say toxic the whole scene is... is there really no more to it than this? Am I really going to have to start hooking up?

 

I also feel like the kind/demographic of guy that I like wouldn't really be into dating apps. I'm also someone who isn't the most social/active, and I feel like going to events, let alone gay-oriented ones, with the motive of finding a partner seems a bit disingenuous.

 

It's not that I think he's going to fall from the sky (and into my arms haha), but I'm afraid of messing up my life and losing myself, you know?

 

Sorry if it's a dumb question.

[lemonfizzy]

Yes, it's possible. The older generation did it, so can the current generation. 
 
It's not easy to find love organically. Gays are considered special specimens 😆. Even straight people have difficulty finding a mate; how likely are our chances? This is why dating apps exist so that people can find love more easily and faster
 
I think you have the wrong notion of what a dating app is for. A dating app is more than just hooking up. It can be for dates, friends, connections, business, and chats. If you set your boundaries right, I believe you can filter out garbage from Mr. Right.
 
Even if you dislike the idea of using a dating app, I encourage you to try it. Take it as an opportunity to improve your communication skills. It will come in very handy, I guarantee it

[Guest Lisab]

On 12/21/2021 at 8:33 PM, lemonfizzy said:

Yes, it's possible. The older generation did it, so can the current generation. 
 
It's not easy to find love organically. Gays are considered special specimens 😆. Even straight people have difficulty finding a mate; how likely are our chances? This is why dating apps exist so that people can find love more easily and faster
 
I think you have the wrong notion of what a dating app is for. A dating app is more than just hooking up. It can be for dates, friends, connections, business, and chats. If you set your boundaries right, I believe you can filter out garbage from Mr. Right.
 
Even if you dislike the idea of using a dating app, I encourage you to try it. Take it as an opportunity to improve your communication skills. It will come in very handy, I guarantee it

I know this is a tiresome topic that may make eyes roll (my cynical undertone probably doesn't help), so I really appreciate that you took the time to respond.

 

We do have it differently from straight folk, but the thing is, I feel that making meeting others "easier" and "faster" doesn't automatically make dating apps a sound or right approach. 

 

I don't deny a dating app is like a gun is a tool - as good or bad as the person using it. But I feel like there are certain assumptions(?) or factors at play when it comes to the approach. I think dating apps tend to attract people with certain traits, who are more inclined to certain things - i.e. e.g. liberal as opposed to traditionally-minded; extroverted as opposed to introspective, etc.  I've just about never (when I tried them) come across anyone on a dating app who hasn't already had some sort of history of casual sex encounters, or who was more traditional or conservative when it came to relationships and sex. It makes sense because if they were truly traditionally-minded, why would they in the first place have a presence there? And if I know I likely wouldn't be compatible with the crowd on these platforms, wouldn't I be setting myself up for trouble and pain by using them?

 

This is in addition to other fundamental issues (such as lack of social cues in evaluating first impressions; gamification of the process) I see with dating apps, but I don't think I should go there.

 

Not trying to change anyone's opinion. Just sharing some thoughts I've come to have (I'm in uni currently), and I'm sorry if they've offended anyone (again, they're my opinions and reflective of me, not anyone else). I guess, if I have to do things old school, I'd have to go out (much much) more, be nice and sociable, exercise good judgement, and hope for the best. Maybe I could try joining a low-key LGBT organization. Maybe I'm just a massive prude not meant to find love in this world, but, you know, maybe that wouldn't be so bad. If anyone has any suggestion or any comment, I'm all ears. Don't have to mince your words.

[lemonfizzy]

all the best wishes to you Lisab 

 

I hope you find success in what you believe in 

 

You're a star, shining brightly in the sky, lost in the milky way.

[Guest More than one way]

On 12/21/2021 at 3:51 AM, Guest Lisab said:

Is this possible? Will I basically be relying on apps and gay-oriented social events/outings if I ever want to get into a relationship?

 

I've just heard so much about how brutal or dare I say toxic the whole scene is... is there really no more to it than this? Am I really going to have to start hooking up?

 

I also feel like the kind/demographic of guy that I like wouldn't really be into dating apps. I'm also someone who isn't the most social/active, and I feel like going to events, let alone gay-oriented ones, with the motive of finding a partner seems a bit disingenuous.

 

It's not that I think he's going to fall from the sky (and into my arms haha), but I'm afraid of messing up my life and losing myself, you know?

 

Sorry if it's a dumb question.

to find a person to be with, you need to meet people one way or another. This is the same whether you are straight or gay - straight people who are more introverted would have a similar issue to you, so maybe ask yourself what they would do. Yes, being gay is an added complication but the methodology is the same: meet people, whether online or irl or both.
 

There are different apps/websites with different targets (ie some more about hooking up, some more about dating and relationships). 
 

There are ways to meet people based on your interests via clubs and societies.

 

And there is hooking up. But you don’t need to hook up to meet people. 

And while there is one type of gay ‘scene’ that is seemingly more visible, that doesn’t mean this is the only scene that exists - gay men come in all different varieties, types (and flavours), find ways to meet one’s that more suit you. Think of things you like doing and find people with shared interests. 

[Steve5380]

Today you can complain about the gay scene because it exists.  Those of us of an earlier generation didn't have a gay scene to complain about.

 

Good or bad, the scene allows you to meet people like us.  And if not in Singapore, you are not too far away from other big cities with their scenes, like Kuala Lumpur or Bangkok.   If you can join the scene, be assured that there are other people with your same interests that also join it. 

 

I met the bf who became the love of my life in a sleazy gay bar in Houston.  A place where many would say that you could not find a decent person there.  And...  I WAS THERE, the same as I have been in plenty of gay saunas,  and I consider myself to be a decent person.

 

It is a matter of good luck,  but you have to be there to have a probability to find someone there like the person you are seeking..

[InBangkok]

On 12/23/2021 at 9:20 PM, Guest More than one way said:

to find a person to be with, you need to meet people one way or another. This is the same whether you are straight or gay - straight people who are more introverted would have a similar issue to you, so maybe ask yourself what they would do. Yes, being gay is an added complication but the methodology is the same: meet people, whether online or irl or both.

Could not agree more. If you do not actually meet people, you will almost never find your Mr. Right. As @Steve5380 points out in his post, older guys did not have all the modern technological tools to help them meet other guys. It was a case of going to a pub or a club or a friend's party, seeing someone you like and then starting to chat with them. Meeting in person is vastly more important than seeing a photo and profile on an app. An app gives zero idea of any chemistry that might exist between two people and I am sure most will agree that when it comes to relationships it is the chemistry that is more important than a pretty face or a great body.

 

On 12/23/2021 at 9:20 PM, Guest More than one way said:

 

Think of things you like doing and find people with shared interests. 

More great advice.

[doncoin]

I find apps are better for hookups, finding Mr. Right Now, than Mr. Right, not to say that it does not happen, just speaking from personal experience. To meet guys for date, I find social events, or even friends introducing are much better ways. I have sat through dinner dates that friends have set me up with. Sometimes it turns out great, other times no. Usually, it is my straight friends who do the set up. So ask your friends if they know of any single gay man that they can set you up with for a date. 

[mate69]

On 12/25/2021 at 11:04 AM, doncoin said:

I find apps are better for hookups, finding Mr. Right Now, than Mr. Right, not to say that it does not happen, just speaking from personal experience. To meet guys for date, I find social events, or even friends introducing are much better ways. I have sat through dinner dates that friends have set me up with. Sometimes it turns out great, other times no. Usually, it is my straight friends who do the set up. So ask your friends if they know of any single gay man that they can set you up with for a date. 

 

Yes, friends are a good avenue through which to know other single gay men

[G_ZK]

just keep an open mind! i knew an ex offline and another through app. the platform doesnt exactly matter, but how both of you carry it forward from where it began is crucial.

[notd]

On 12/26/2021 at 12:04 AM, doncoin said:

I find apps are better for hookups, finding Mr. Right Now, than Mr. Right, not to say that it does not happen, just speaking from personal experience. To meet guys for date, I find social events, or even friends introducing are much better ways. I have sat through dinner dates that friends have set me up with. Sometimes it turns out great, other times no. Usually, it is my straight friends who do the set up. So ask your friends if they know of any single gay man that they can set you up with for a date. 

 

Seconded. I'd say most long-lasting relationships are formed through friends or getting to know one another in person. This applies to heterosexual relationships too. I know a friend who married her high school sweetheart 3 years ago. They've been together for 10 years, plus said 3 years of marriage. That said, I wouldn't completely disregard the ones that are formed through apps either. My ex and I were in a 2-year relationship before our untimely breakup, but the issue that drove us apart wasn't the lack of feelings but something else. I know someone who struck a relationship with his boyfriend through social media and they've been together for close to 6 years now. Granted, they did meet up and began as friends first. But it was social media that brought them together.

 

Used wisely, social medias or apps can be a great way to know someone serious, but the challenge is being open with one another. I find that most people that you meet from the apps tend to pull back or withdraw when either party has too serious a conversation for their own good. 

 

 

 

[Steve5380]

It should be possible to find love " organically(?) "

 

In BW we see many posters who have serious intentions to find a loveable person who can be their partner for life.

In BW we see many posters who use apps, go to bars, saunas, etc.

 

It seems to be just a matter of finding each other.

 

Mathematically thinking,  if one likes only one person out of 10 one meets,  then meeting 10 persons the probability is there to find the one.  Meeting 100 persons there is a probability of finding 10 acceptable candidates, something good for the choosy. 

 

 

[IkuTube]

On 12/21/2021 at 3:51 AM, Guest Lisab said:

Is this possible? Will I basically be relying on apps and gay-oriented social events/outings if I ever want to get into a relationship?

 

I've just heard so much about how brutal or dare I say toxic the whole scene is... is there really no more to it than this? Am I really going to have to start hooking up?

 

I also feel like the kind/demographic of guy that I like wouldn't really be into dating apps. I'm also someone who isn't the most social/active, and I feel like going to events, let alone gay-oriented ones, with the motive of finding a partner seems a bit disingenuous.

 

It's not that I think he's going to fall from the sky (and into my arms haha), but I'm afraid of messing up my life and losing myself, you know?

 

Sorry if it's a dumb question.

 

Everything starts with the mind.  The mind has to evolve organically for anything beautiful and positive to take place over time.  When the mind is too critical without giving yourself a chance at life, nothing will happen.

 

Evolve with time and take the first step.  Be proactive with your desires.  Do know what you truly want.  When you know what you truly want, life conspires.

 

Those days, people go out to places and cruise.  Today, there are the apps.  The places nor the apps are not the bad things.  What is bad is the way we think.

 

Like attracts like.  Like you, I believe there are "kind/demographic of guy" you like inside these apps.  I know because some of my good friends are in there.

 

Dwelling on negativity can make one to be negative.  It will not make you to "get into a relationship" as there will be anxiety, doubt, mistrust.

 

May you find what you are looking for.