To care or not to care?

[Leanmeat]

Hi guys. I lately gotten a call from an ex colleague of many years ago (no contact for many years already. Have not seen him for more than 18 years) who use to gamble so much (whom I lend $200+ last time)  in the end lost the job due to some reason. The moment he call only started telling me what happen to him all these years, he is in bad shape, blar blar, blar blar .. without even asking if I am free to talk. Genuinely he is having lots of problem, due to his own character and personality mostly. I was thinking he might want to borrow again. And I do not wish to be on the phone hearing him pouring all those things, the way he talks is like don't care whether you like or not, he just talk and talk what he wants. It irritates me that he can on his own talk and talk non stop for 10-15 mins without bothering what I'm doing. He is probably having some mental illness. Since he mention he went IMH before. I know he is genuine in bad shape. Will I be too heartless to simply ignore his msg and call next time? But if I don't, I would be putting myself in a situation that disturbs me myself. 

Edited Monday at 10:11 AM by Leanmeat

[cbm]

Ignore. 18 years then reappear out of the blue. 

[Saggiboy]

U already know U will feel disturbed if u ignored him next time.

Maybe just let him talk. Maybe he just needs someone to listen to him 

Just make sure u draw the boundaries. E.g. instead of lending him money, maybe direct him to agencies that can help; setting time limit on the chat, etc.

As long as U r clear where U stand, u can be kind and firm at the same time.

[Leanmeat]

9 minutes ago, Saggiboy said:

U already know U will feel disturbed if u ignored him next time.

Maybe just let him talk. Maybe he just needs someone to listen to him 

Just make sure u draw the boundaries. E.g. instead of lending him money, maybe direct him to agencies that can help; setting time limit on the chat, etc.

As long as U r clear where U stand, u can be kind and firm at the same time.

I meant I feel disturbed to hear him talk and talk.. today he even sent me his address expecting me to visit him.

Edited Monday at 12:20 PM by Leanmeat

[Leanmeat]

52 minutes ago, cbm said:

Ignore. 18 years then reappear out of the blue. 

Seriously after all these years I kind of forgot Abt him already. We were not even close in the past to begin with...

[cbm]

16 minutes ago, Leanmeat said:

Seriously after all these years I kind of forgot Abt him already. We were not even close in the past to begin with...

 

Yes I picked up on that point. Because you referred to him as ex colleague. Not even a friend.

[cutejack]

3 hours ago, Leanmeat said:

I meant I feel disturbed to hear him talk and talk.. today he even sent me his address expecting me to visit him.

Why he gave u his address? Is he str8 or PLU? Follow yr heart.. nowadays just mind our own work. Have to. My 2 cents.

[MasterFitMalaySG4U]

Doesn't matter if str8 or not str8 haha 

 

Pls DO NOT CARE!

 

Recontract your mobile (get new hp) n change number haha sometimes this help even open up many opportunities haha 

 

Sometimes we have to move on meaning erase the past that eats u up! 

[Leanmeat]

6 hours ago, cutejack said:

Why he gave u his address? Is he str8 or PLU? Follow yr heart.. nowadays just mind our own work. Have to. My 2 cents.

He gave his address to ask me to visit him. Likely to tell me more Abt his 'misfortune', which he already told me a lot in the phone.  Maybe even to borrow $ again. He straight or not straight also totally not my type anyway. 

Edited Monday at 11:00 PM by Leanmeat

[Leanmeat]

1 hour ago, MasterFitMalaySG4U said:

Doesn't matter if str8 or not str8 haha 

 

Pls DO NOT CARE!

 

Recontract your mobile (get new hp) n change number haha sometimes this help even open up many opportunities haha 

 

Sometimes we have to move on meaning erase the past that eats u up! 

Too much trouble to change number leh. I muted notification on his number. I'm someone I don't mind sending some messages but to talk on the phone for 15 mins I don't like as it makes the phone warm on my ear. 

[Naveyafluz]

I won't care since we are not friends and never keep in contact. Most people who suddenly contact you after so long is usually with motives.

[Leanmeat]

34 minutes ago, Naveyafluz said:

I won't care since we are not friends and never keep in contact. Most people who suddenly contact you after so long is usually with motives.

I think his is to borrow $...

[IcarusCQC]

Actual friends don't borrow money to each other. Those that does, aren't really friends. Never test your friendship with money. It will often fail, badly. I know there are exceptions but then again, they are the exception not the rule. Now, if you still wish to help your ex-colleague (please don't), be prepared to never see that money again. As long as you understand this, you do you.

[Leanmeat]

4 hours ago, IcarusCQC said:

Actual friends don't borrow money to each other. Those that does, aren't really friends. Never test your friendship with money. It will often fail, badly. I know there are exceptions but then again, they are the exception not the rule. Now, if you still wish to help your ex-colleague (please don't), be prepared to never see that money again. As long as you understand this, you do you.

The $200+ that I lend him years ago I already considered it given. And yes you are right, if gonna lend again it probably is gone forever. And I'm actually not keen to be in touch w him again as I really don't like his character then and now. Feel that he is affecting my energy by ranting and ranting non stop about how life is bad for him. The root cause being his gambling habit when he was young. 

 

Edited Tuesday at 10:30 AM by Leanmeat

[egal]

refer him to those free counselling hotline

[yhtang]

On 6/23/2025 at 8:20 PM, Leanmeat said:

I meant I feel disturbed to hear him talk and talk.. today he even sent me his address expecting me to visit him.

 

He gave you his address - as you surmised, this means he expects you to visit. 

Maybe he will offer you his bum and a blowjob as repayment for past debts. 😁😁

If I were you, I would not go and I would keep away from him. 

 

[Leanmeat]

18 minutes ago, yhtang said:

 

He gave you his address - as you surmised, this means he expects you to visit. 

Maybe he will offer you his bum and a blowjob as repayment for past debts. 😁😁

If I were you, I would not go and I would keep away from him. 

 

I dont want his bums also if he offers... Yes I hope to keep away. Those years when we were working Tgt also I don't want get close to him. I kind of know what he will say to me after that day.. it's the same old thing Abt life is bad.. haiz who would want to hear such things again and again. Some more It's like a recording going at 1.5x speed. If he could even just talk normal or at least check first if he can call to talk, I won't be so against talking to him. But he simply calls anytime he wants. I don't even call ppl without checking if they are free to talk unless urgent. 

Edited Wednesday at 04:34 AM by Leanmeat

[AgentFit]

On 6/23/2025 at 6:05 PM, Leanmeat said:

Hi guys. I lately gotten a call from an ex colleague of many years ago (no contact for many years already. Have not seen him for more than 18 years) who use to gamble so much (whom I lend $200+ last time)  in the end lost the job due to some reason. The moment he call only started telling me what happen to him all these years, he is in bad shape, blar blar, blar blar .. without even asking if I am free to talk. Genuinely he is having lots of problem, due to his own character and personality mostly. I was thinking he might want to borrow again. And I do not wish to be on the phone hearing him pouring all those things, the way he talks is like don't care whether you like or not, he just talk and talk what he wants. It irritates me that he can on his own talk and talk non stop for 10-15 mins without bothering what I'm doing. He is probably having some mental illness. Since he mention he went IMH before. I know he is genuine in bad shape. Will I be too heartless to simply ignore his msg and call next time? But if I don't, I would be putting myself in a situation that disturbs me myself. 

 

Thanks for sharing.  I understand your dilemma—balancing the discomfort of turning someone down, especially when they seem desperate, against the potential personal cost (and not feeling good) of saying “yes.”

 

Just sharing how I usually approach such situations when friends ask to borrow money. Maybe you’ll find it useful:

 

1. If it’s not a matter of life and death (e.g., health-related), I don’t lend.
This helps draw a clear boundary so that I don’t get emotionally entangled or pressured into something I’ll regret.

 

2. If I’m not prepared to lose the money I intend to lend, I don’t lend.
In other words, I might consider lending a smaller amount— the sum I’m willing to never get back.

But if it is a life-and-death situation, especially involving serious health issues, I try to help within my means—regardless of how I feel about the person or how they’ve treated me in the past. There may be exceptions to principle (1), and when that happens,  Principle (2) will kick in: I lend only what I’m okay with possibly losing.

 

It’s important to note that the above is different from “giving” (for lack of a better word) to strangers or causes, where it's another set of considerations.

 

Finally, lending is both a rational and emotional decision.  So when in doubt after lending:

3. If I later feel I made the wrong call in helping someone or a cause, I don’t regret it.
At least I acted with the right intentions at the time and ask myself what I have learnt.

 

Thank you for reading and may yr friend get well soon.

 

[Leanmeat]

2 minutes ago, AgentFit said:

 

Thanks for sharing.  I understand your dilemma—balancing the discomfort of turning someone down, especially when they seem desperate, against the potential personal cost (and not feeling good) of saying “yes.”

 

Just sharing how I usually approach such situations when friends ask to borrow money. Maybe you’ll find it useful:

 

1. If it’s not a matter of life and death (e.g., health-related), I don’t lend.
This helps draw a clear boundary so that I don’t get emotionally entangled or pressured into something I’ll regret.

 

2. If I’m not prepared to lose the money I intend to lend, I don’t lend.
In other words, I might consider lending a smaller amount— the sum I’m willing to never get back.

But if it is a life-and-death situation, especially involving serious health issues, I try to help within my means—regardless of how I feel about the person or how they’ve treated me in the past. There may be exceptions to principle (1), and when that happens,  Principle (2) will kick in: I lend only what I’m okay with possibly losing.

 

It’s important to note that the above is different from “giving” (for lack of a better word) to strangers or causes, where it's another set of considerations.

 

Finally, lending is both a rational and emotional decision.  So when in doubt after lending:

3. If I later feel I made the wrong call in helping someone or a cause, I don’t regret it.
At least I acted with the right intentions at the time and ask myself what I have learnt.

 

Thank you for reading and may yr friend get well soon.

 

Thank you for spending to pen the above. Appreciate your advice 

[radiusulnar]

I believe you already know the answer in your heart before you started this post. Which is that you should ignore, mute and block this person from 18 years ago who suddenly reappeared.

Everyone has more or less confirmed this. So no guilt doing so.