Need Help With Advice For A Friend

[coolspecs]

I have a friend who is not on BW, is in a relationship right now and recently came to me for advice.

His boyfriend is constantly borrowing money from him. His boyfriend is owing a lot of people money including him. They quarrel everyday about money. He is miserable and stressed out since he is financially drained.

My friend wants to end the relationship but his boyfriend still owes him a lot of money. I seriously have no idea what to advice him since I have not been in such a situation. Hoping that there is someone out there who has been or knows someone who has been in such a situation and would care to leave some advice.

Thank you for any of your assistance.

[castaway]

I remember there was a big topic about Money borrowing. Try to dig it out and you will find the advise ;-)

[Guest money search]

I remember there was a big topic about Money borrowing. Try to dig it out and you will find the advise ;-)

You mean these 2 threads

http://www.blowingwind.org/forum/index.php?showtopic=12754

http://www.blowingwind.org/forum/index.php?showtopic=8878

[loveme]

That's really troublesome.

Wish you would find some solutions soon.

[pinkberry]

I guess the best approach to this is to separate the sticky problem into two; money & relationship.

Relationship wise, poor money management is a trait of your friend's bf, so your friend has to decide if its a trait he can live with. Seeing your narrative above, its almost clear that your friend has decided otherwise. There's little point continuing a strained relationship, especially if the problem of poor money sense is to stay. Of course there is the option of reform/intervention, but how easy is it to change people? One of the most common relationship end-er is the realization that the change people want to see in their other half will never happen. But again it boils down to how mature the relationship is and how well they know each other. Your friend should be the one who knows best, its a decision he has to make. Open up options for him, and let him choose for himself.

Money wise, your friend can ask nicely for his money back. Upon rejection, it would be good to just let it go (if its affordable). Better to separate amiably right? I am assuming that your friend has already ended the relationship prior to asking for money back. If not, doing so would probably end the relationship.

[TheVisitors]

There is nothing much your friend can really do, I am afraid.

All he can do is to move on, and find some peace of mind.

Actually there was more to this. Actually when my first boyfriend who left me quietly, but only to bump into him 12yrs later married with a kid?

He left me when I was 21. But he left me a debt of $60,000 to clear when he really left me.

He borrowed money from my friends and I was his loan guarantor. I was suddenly faced with this big burden to clear all the rubbish and trash he left behind.

While people were enjoying life, I quit Uni to work two jobs at the same time to pay off.

I took 7 years to pay off my ass.

Not to mention. My 4th boyfriend didn't pay back the loans from the supplementary credit card I gave him. $3560 to be exact.

Things have happened, you will cry and be depressed, but life still is kicking inside of me.

I didn't give up. Since I am still heathly, I have legs and hands, i can still walk, I just have to sign it off as very bad debt , work and pay off every single cent.

If he is irrespnsible, you can't be like him. You must be strong , pick yourself up and move on. You must still maintain your own principle and dignity.

Thats the road only you can walk, and no one can do that for you.

Along the road, I grew stronger and wiser.

We all started our relationships with so much of unconditional love and fairytales, where love and money are the same, till when things turned sour then you have to realize this painful truth, the differences.

You can still love, with love and money as separate issues, provided you are wise enough to afford and give money if a need is very necessary, where it warrants a life and death issue.And provided from past examples, he has being responsible to pay back money he had asked for previously

If you have really loved someone, even losing a finger or an eye to save someone, you shouldn't have any regrets.

If you have really loved, even the money invested back then,which is lost, there shouldn't be any regret.

You just have have to move on, and create a life of peace for yourself.

That peace is worth more than all the money you have lost. You will realized that one day when you do look back, all things happened, are experiences and opportunities for your character building.

All the best to your friend, Coolspecs

Edited February 22, 2010 by TheVistors

[eric6363]

NEVER, EVER, be a guarantor for anyone, except maybe your family member.

A good show to watch on money management is the Suze Orman Show.

As for the thread starter's case, there is nothing much you can do.

When you lend money to someone, you must be prepared to not get it back.

[TheVisitors]

NEVER, EVER, be a guarantor for anyone, except maybe your family member.

A good show to watch on money management is the Suze Orman Show.

As for the thread starter's case, there is nothing much you can do.

When you lend money to someone, you must be prepared to not get it back.

Not even your family members. I don't trust people that much. Even my own brother who borrowed $6ooo from me(yet to return) can even tell tales to my parents about me. Thank god my folks are not blind to see whose telling the truth.

Yap Orman has a very real practical means teaching you about money management.

Her famous line I remembered was " how you handle your money, subconsciously reflects your own self worth "

Her books are available here. Read 3 of her works so far.

Recommended for those who wants to manage their troubled finances

[castaway]

I think it depends on whom and how much you lend money to.

I won't lend all my money I have, of course.

For my brother, I used to lend him if he told me the truth what he would use it for and why he borrowed me ...

For my best friends, we sometimes need it urgently and just a phone call, we will lend to each other without asking much. Of course, money always come back. The trust is quite high between us because we knew that once we asked for help, it is serious.

For friends, I never lend more than 500 S$ because if I loose it, I will consider, money will disappear with that friendship. Of course, not all types of friends ... remember of lending money is very easy but when you remind them to return, how difficult and bad behaviour they did ...

One of my best gay friends used to tell me that if somethings serious happens to me and need money urgently, I always can call him anytime and he will try his best to help ... and he told me I am the second person in his life so far (after his first ex-bf, he does this, even he told me his ex borrowed alot money and never return). I feels his caring but I still don't feel comfortable about it, I don't know how and why he said that but I think all depends on how your relationship is, how you trust each other.

And for someone who always borrow money from others, forget about them ... good people don't do that often

May be I was a lucky guy so I always find nice friends around me :thumb:

[Guest Guest]

only borrow money to someone u really know very long...when u hand over the money, u sld consider it 'lost'.

if ur fren avoid u thereafter, just comfort urself at least u have brought his 'true face' with that sum of momey.

[harylok]

..... His boyfriend is owing a lot of people money including him. They quarrel everyday about money.

Owe yr friend how much $$$? ever return some $$$?

Owe others how much $$$ ?

He got a job? Monthly Salary?

How long is the relationship?

Edited February 22, 2010 by harylok

[Firday]

hmm,,my best friend dump me for the sake of 2600 loan.

i cherish their friendship more then the 2k but they choose to part with me.

i already emphasis that they can pay me back when they okay with financial but too sad, they be off and escape from me...refuse to listen to my hp and worst hide away from me.

i really sad bcz i told them i want to help them when they were financial problem.

later years, came to realise from other... they "borrow and con" amount to 8k.

i told myself,

i dun think i get back my 2k but i hate it to say, my friendship to them worth only 2k.

[oralb]

you see the sad part of lending money to friends is that unless your friends are trustworthy enough to return soon, chances are you will loss the friendship as well.

When they are unable to return (or even unwilling to) they will start avoiding you. Maybe they felt embarrassed, maybe they just simply intended to default on the payment in the 1st place, whatever it is that friendship is lost together with the money.

[oralb]

ops click reply too fast...

Coolspec: the sensible thing is separate the relationship apart from the money.

Ask you friend to think whether is it worthy to continue, to savage the relationship. Dont let money become the factor to for or against the decision.

Should he come out with the decision to leave, then firstly assumed that the money he lent out is not coming back. He can try asking but dont have too high a hope

Should he decide to stay on, advise him not to continue the money lending, at least stop the leak.

Whatever it is, let him come out with his resolution, it is his life after-all. I have seen enough relationships patched back after the separation.

[Guest swatch]

hi,

I am on the other end. I borrowed 9K from my bf... i only knew him for 2 yrs, he is not local. After abt 1 year, I have pay back him 4k. I told myself I got to clear off this debt even if we no loger together because it is the self worth that matters more than $.

I can alwasy work to repay debt off, but if I choose to run away, it will stay for life.

Things can be worked out, work out a debt repayment program to start payment, it can be small, but at least you can walk with your head up. People are willing to lend money to you, they are also happy to accept repayment, be it a big sum or small consistent amount. Just get it done.

So far me & my bf are still very close together... I still havent pay back everything yet.

" At the end of the day, when I am been pushed into the furnace, what do I bring along with me....."

[coolspecs]

Thank you castaway and money search for pointing out the relevant past threads.

Thank you pinkberry, TheVistors, eric6363, castaway, oralb and swatch for the advice and the really kind words. I have let my friend view the thread and he is currently thinking through his future actions with regards to the matter.

Meanwhile i have told him to come join us here in blowing wind where everyone is so nice and friendly and sometimes a little too horny...