Gay Play Only

[123ZZZ]

after failed relationships, wonder if gay should only play, why is it so difficult for gay relationships to last?

gay relationships that last are only the minority?

[Guest Blaidd_drwg]

No. No matter how many times people fail in their relationships, it is not an excuse to start "playing" around. That's how a cynic will think and respond. A realist will pick up the lessons and find better solutions.

Why is it difficult for gay reationships to last? For simple intuition, the more people who give up on investing in a proper relationship, the worse the market quality for long-term relationship. It is feedback downward spiral to the bottom.

For all else, it depends on your community as well. A supportive network of people who approve your relationship will help it to last (friends caring not only about you yourself but you "both"). Problem is that the way people are so jaded with relationship, it is difficult to find that support.

There are also insitutional factors like civil union. A society which does not legally recognise homosexual unions will be more likely to have a poorer pool of long-term relationship material.

Another factor is the outlet for gay expression. Whist it is understood that men do have a lot of lust needed to be gratified, the difference is here: In the straight world of prostitution (which is paid to reflect the cost of such a vice), there are people within their community who frown down on such activities and always insist others to turn away; in the gay world of saunas, it's totally okay (and free). You and I have fun, so what? (Such selfish gratification does not consider the externalities to the market of long-term relationship suitors).

My advice to you: Despite all these horrendous factors against us, the best gauge of finding a person to be together with in a good, lasting relationship is upbringing. Upbringing has always carried couples through thick and thin regardless of their differences or conflict. When there is upbringing, you have been taught the best there is and the mistakes the past have made. All other preferences (muscular, chub, common interest) are secondary or bonuses.

Upbringing.

[raind]

.

Edited October 4, 2012 by raind

[Guest long lusting relationship]

One factor that caused many relationships to end is the expectation of sexual exclusiveness.

If more people do not have such an expectation, but instead accept the ideas of couples playing together with others (e.g. 3some, orgies) or couple playing separately, then this would cut down the number o relationship-breakdown due to one party secretly having sex with others.

[Guest Blaidd_drwg]

For the reasons why gay relationships don't last, don't look at external factors like no recognition of marriage etc, look on the mirror and the answer is somewhere inside.

I did mention upbringing. A proper analysis nonetheless will consider both external and internal factors. The individual shapes society and society shapes the individual. Fact.

One factor that caused many relationships to end is the expectation of sexual exclusiveness.

If more people do not have such an expectation, but instead accept the ideas of couples playing together with others (e.g. 3some, orgies) or couple playing separately, then this would cut down the number o relationship-breakdown due to one party secretly having sex with others.

If only it were that simple . A society or civilisation in which the family institution is its foundation block, these alternatives are not going to be accepted (under certain premises) by the rest of the population anytime soon, not even within the next hundred years. These ideas are only propagated by a minority, for reasons they themselves know.

Unless the exception is that gay couples have no interest in participating with the rest of society in building families (and this is true most of the time since promiscuous couples do not have the expectation of having children). In that case, it nullifies all sound reason for us to fight for our right to love, if we are going to take it for granted. Pink Dot would then be a sham, a lip service to the rest of society when we are doing otherwise behind their backs (Really, just change the motto of the right to love to the right to have orgies and see how the rest of the world will react. We should be honest about our intentions).

All advanced societies (and for good reason I use advanced so that it kicks out tribal forms of partnerships or even polygamous Mormons as examples) have institutionalised marriage as the basis of family (whether the couple are homosexual or heterosexual).

There is a reason that sexual exclusiveness has evolved from its predecessor's primitive forms and is the main-stay. It may fall apart in the very distant future (without a doubt, millineas from now, for conditions which I know but will not bother to explain since I am in support of exclusiveness), but for now, the culture of sexual exclusiveness is the norm to help society (as a whole) continue from one generation to the next. There is no surviving advanced civilisation which has maintained promiscuisity as an acceptable norm (closest it has been is for entertainment purposes like the microcosm of Sex and the City which by all means is never a truthful representation of Life and the workings of the macrocosmic society).

[Guest Blaidd_drwg]

http://www.blowingwi...showtopic=35651

[sexiespider]

Truth is, we grow up being unclear about what it means to be gay, or what it means to like guys. We are unsure – when we have a relationship with another guy, what should we do? Is it like a straight relationship? So as we learn to understand what other gay people and relationships are like, we make sense from by learning from the people we meet.

Then, when we get to know more gay people, and start to date some of them, we realise that if they are meeting us for the first time, and when they decide to be together with us, then we think – oh, so this is what a gay relationship is like! You meet a guy for the first time and then you immediately become attached! So, you learn from them! And then, things keep on not working out, and like many other gay guys, you start feeling ‘jaded’. You start thinking that gay relationships cannot last. You start thinking that, maybe I should just have sex, maybe I don’t want a relationship – I don’t want to go through the hurt of breaking off with someone again and again. And so, we stop looking for relationships. We start just having sex, since, hey again, everyone is just having sex too! And then we look down on the gay community – we think that it’s all about sex, we think that gay people are promiscuous and we think that gay people are hopeless. We become part of the community we criticize and we live with it. And we became disappointed with the community and with ourselves and we start to lose hope.

But wait! Why haven’t we even stop to think why this is the case? Why don’t we even stop to understand what we are doing? We go with the flow because since everyone else is doing it, it must be right – gay relationships cannot exist, it’s all about sex and I will be lonely for the rest of my life.

http://myrighttolove...ngapore-part-1/

Edited October 1, 2012 by sexiespider

[sexiespider]

When we see someone for the first time, we want to get into a relationship with this person immediately because, actually, we could be lonely. We could be looking for the feeling of intimacy. We might want to feel loved, and not so much to love itself. And since this guy comes along, he’s hot and lean and fit and all that, and we think he looks really good so we think, we can be with him! Then, we conjure up ideas in our mind about how I really love him because there is this connection – because he is the guy I want to be for the rest of my life, because I feel that he understands me etc.

But does he? Is he really who he is, or are you imagining it? Are you creating your idea of who he is, because you want him to fit into your idea of a Prince Charming, or is because that’s who he really is? After some time, we get to know him better and then we start to think,“You know, he’s no longer the guy I used to know. He has changed.” But of course he has. Wait, actually he hasn’t. Your understanding of him has changed. You had created all those ideas of who he is, because these ideas are what you want in a guy – the romantic notions you’ve learnt to dream about, and you had supplanted them onto him. As you get to know him further and the initial ‘honeymoon’ (as they would call it) fade away, you finally actually start to get to know him, and you start to really understand him and see him for who he is. And if you had never really known him then, you might or might not like what you are starting to see.

So, what’s the issue here? First, we have to understand how we look for love. Second, we have to understand how we go about developing a ‘relationship’. As said, we might go into a relationship because we are lonely. We might feel that we don’t love ourselves, or we don’t feel loved, and so we hope to find someone whom we hope can love us, who can replace that emptiness or loneliness inside us. And so, when someone comes along, we hope he can do that. And so, we start imagining beautiful things about him (which if we had just gotten to know him, are most probably not true about him) – what are we doing here?

We have a notion of what a relationship that we hope for is, so we cancel the process of getting to know someone, by implanting what we want from that imaginary perfect person onto him, to replace the process of knowing him. Then we fasten the process again by deciding to ‘love’ him, based on this ideals that we’ve implanted onto him. Effectively, we’ve tried to develop a fairy tale romance that we’ve always dreamed of and pasted them onto this person we just got to know. In fact, it can be anyone! And that is why we go in and out and in and out of a relationship, one after another, because we keep going through this process of supplanting our ideals onto each person we meet. And we ask, why don’t any of our relationships work? Why do we keep getting attached and breaking off? Is it because we are not good enough? Why do I keep meeting the wrong guy? Am I not many to have a relationship? Do I not know how to love?

No. All these ideas are have become part of a story that you’ve inadvertently created – developing ideals and replacing the person you know with them, without giving the person a chance for you to really know him. And as explained, it could be because you are wanting to find someone to replace an inner emotional need inside you, more than looking to find someone and learning more about them.

http://myrighttolove...ngapore-part-1/

Edited October 1, 2012 by sexiespider

[Guest Ironrod]

One factor that caused many relationships to end is the expectation of sexual exclusiveness.

If more people do not have such an expectation, but instead accept the ideas of couples playing together with others (e.g. 3some, orgies) or couple playing separately, then this would cut down the number o relationship-breakdown due to one party secretly having sex with others.

OK I am having a WTF MOMENT.

This is WTF!

[XiaoMessy]

One factor that caused many relationships to end is the expectation of sexual exclusiveness.

If more people do not have such an expectation, but instead accept the ideas of couples playing together with others (e.g. 3some, orgies) or couple playing separately, then this would cut down the number o relationship-breakdown due to one party secretly having sex with others.

[gstc82]

Expectation. What's your expectation in a relationship? Are you willing to give more than you take? Do you love a person base on how he "loves" you? Are you willing to accept flaws? Change your. "flaws? For all relationships, gays n straights, my advise is " give more than you take".

[vin8tan]

One factor that caused many relationships to end is the expectation of sexual exclusiveness.

If more people do not have such an expectation, but instead accept the ideas of couples playing together with others (e.g. 3some, orgies) or couple playing separately, then this would cut down the number o relationship-breakdown due to one party secretly having sex with others.

Now, why are we restricting and confining ourselves to hetero-normative norms? It has been proven that men are wired to be polygamy and why should we set ourselves up to fail by accepting, wanting, needing a closed 1 to 1 relationship? Why are we expecting the society to be open minded and accept us but we ourselves are not open minded to other possibilities? Now, before the flame thrower comes out and blast me, i'm not disagreeing or saying we should throw away the idea of a monogamous relationship, but should be open to other forms of relationship structure. 7 billion people, thousands of cultures, yet we are restricting ourselves to one form of relationship format.

One reason why HIV is so prevalent in our community is because of the irrational amount trust we have and expect from a sex partner.

Edited October 1, 2012 by vin8tan

[Guest Ironrod]

Now, why are we restricting and confining ourselves to hetero-normative norms? It has been proven that men are wired to be polygamy and why should we set ourselves up to fail by accepting, wanting, needing a closed 1 to 1 relationship? Why are we expecting the society to be open minded and accept us but we ourselves are not open minded to other possibilities? Now, before the flame thrower comes out and blast me, i'm not disagreeing or saying we should throw away the idea of a monogamous relationship, but should be open to other forms of relationship structure. 7 billion people, thousands of cultures, yet we are restricting ourselves to one form of relationship format.

One reason why HIV is so prevalent in our community is because of the irrational amount trust we have and expect from a sex partner.

If I am not the "special" one in your r/s then u must accept the fact that u are also nothing special to me.

Do not ask why I walk away when you are in the lowest point of your life.

Do not ask why I did not stand by you when u are lonely and crying.

Do not seek the special comfort because I will only be there for you when I am free and bored.

You say we should not conform to normal social standard and your soul is born to be free.

That I agree and thus I decide "Me, myself and I" is more important than "you".

When you feeling good, u were out there seeking new warm bodies.

So now you are a broken man, you expect me to comfort u?

I am sorry - I learned from the best and will go find somebody newer and better then you.

Ciao, thanks for teaching me what a r/s is worth.

There is a saying - it's call "You reap what you sow".

[sexiespider]

Hi

If I am not the "special" one in your r/s then u must accept the fact that u are also nothing special to me.

Do not ask why I walk away when you are in the lowest point of your life.

Do not ask why I did not stand by you when u are lonely and crying.

Do not seek the special comfort because I will only be there for you when I am free and bored.

You say we should not conform to normal social standard and your soul is born to be free.

That I agree and thus I decide "Me, myself and I" is more important than "you".

When you feeling good, u were out there seeking new warm bodies.

So now you are a broken man, you expect me to comfort u?

I am sorry - I learned from the best and will go find somebody newer and better then you.

Ciao, thanks for teaching me what a r/s is worth.

There is a saying - it's call "You reap what you sow".

Hi,

Sorry - just to add, I think what vin8tan is suggesting is that if gay people allow themselves to be constrained by how society defines us and what is expected of us, then we are pressured to do what they want, and not what we want.

I think his main idea is to suggest that we should learn to understand what we want for ourselves, and to learn to redefine what we want to do according to our own needs, and not what society imposes on us, in that sense.

From my point of view, everyone has different opinions and beliefs about how they should live their lives. For example, I know of people who want to have a 3-way relationship or who seem it fitting for themselves to have open relationships. As long as they have a clear awareness of what they are doing, and have a strong mental capacity, then they might perhaps make it worth for themselves to lead a strong and happy lives, regardless of the lives they choose to live.

I think, if we look at it broadly, what vin8tan is in a way saying is this, and which I agree with - we live for ourselves, and we have to make it worthwhile for ourselves. We need to learn to be strong and find out what we want about ourselves. So really, we need to believe in ourselves. And once we have that as a focus, we will know that we will act on what we believe is good for ourselves, or what we want for ourselves.

Regardless of what actions someone might choose to take, if they have made an informed decision according to a strength of belief and the right frame of mind, I think I would respect their decision. They would find people who similarly share their opinions and viewpoints. And I think it is important to respect and accept them for what they choose to believe in and do, just as we would want them to respect and accept what we do - this is especially so when there are some things which we believe and do which others might consider 'funny' or whatever- and when that happens, we would want them to understand and accept us. And if so, more so we should give that understanding and acceptance to others, because we would know how it feels and what it means, for ourselves.

Thanks

Roy

[tamshui]

I did write on the subject... a big thank you for those who read it!!!!! I just find that most have no idea what it takes to have a relationship! I think back at my last relationship...My ex had been in a lot of short term replationships.

The day we decided to become BF, he ask me to do one thing!...Please don't abandoned me! I agreed and 3 yrs later he left me..You just have to find a guy with the same mind set as you... thats my best advice ,someone who is willing to really work towards a long term... I have to say this, if you both live with your parents.... its not going to happen.... someone has to live alone so you can build on the relationship with the proper quality time.

[sexiespider]

I did write on the subject... a big thank you for those who read it!!!!! I just find that most have no idea what it takes to have a relationship! I think back at my last relationship...My ex had been in a lot of short term replationships.

The day we decided to become BF, he ask me to do one thing!...Please don't abandoned me! I agreed and 3 yrs later he left me..You just have to find a guy with the same mind set as you... thats my best advice ,someone who is willing to really work towards a long term... I have to say this, if you both live with your parents.... its not going to happen.... someone has to live alone so you can build on the relationship with the proper quality time.

Hi,

I haven't read the article that you wrote. Where is it?

Just one to add one point - I am not sure if it is a must that someone must stay along. I think a couple needs to learn to adapt to each other's circumstances and find ways to learn more about each other in a suitable way for the both of them.

Roy

[Guest Ironrod]

Hi

Sorry - just to add, I think what vin8tan is suggesting is that if gay people allow themselves to be constrained by how society defines us and what is expected of us, then we are pressured to do what they want, and not what we want.

Roy

@Roy: Of course I know what Vin trying to convey and I myself have also seen (only 1 case) a successful 3-way which lasts a decade.

But it should not be a starting point of a r/s and when ppl mention expectations they mostly think it in their selfish point of view.

Everybody wants a hunky bf but how many ppl willing to gym 2 hrs a day and have a strict diet just to look hunky for his bf?

The cycle is painful to see.