The First Date That I Really Like + Why Did He Stop Contacting After One Date?(compiled)

[Guest William]

Hi people, I'm seeking opinions for something that happened about 4 months ago. Not that it's a baggage, but it merely resurfaces here and then.

I was talking to this guy on a dating site for nearly 4 months. When I was posted overseas for 3 months, we were virtually sending each other long private messages almost every other day. We spoke quite a fair bit and were quite close online. It's a dating site, so both parties have the understanding that we are looking for friendship, and possibly even to progress to LTR as we were quite serious.

Fast forward to the time when I came back to Sg, we decided to meet up. He's Malaysian, but because of work he had to come to sg as sg is a regional hq for his company.

When he met me, he was visibly tired, but maintained alot of conversation. We were talking on rather good terms, like friends in a bar in town.

So when we finished chatting, we took the train and he went back to the hotel. He works in KL but has to go back to JB to attend his sister's wedding. I'm sure about this, as he mentioned this way before we even decided to meet up.

I really liked him alot and sent him a shitass long email to tell him how much I think he's the right one and I want his permission to love him and take care of him.

So then, I guess I was really too anxious, because its my first love interest after coming out. I sent him an email the next day expressing my disappointment and wishes him the best.

Then, NO REPLY. No message, nothing at all for 1 week. He has my email and my number though...

Fast forward another week, I suddenly receive a missed call from him. I was out with my malaysian friend and she told me its a malaysian number. So I text the missed call and he replied that he wants to talk to me on the following Monday, 6pm.

I was elated, and then its Monday. I waited for his call at vivo since I was outside. But, no call. I texted him, and he said that he needs to drive to JB to run some errands.

Of course, I was pissed, and texted something like "whats so impt that you must call me"

Again, no reply...

2 weeks later, I was reminded of him and decided to text him 1 last time. So we fixed a time to talk the following day 10 pm. But, on the next day, I was busy with work and couldn't call him promptly. I called him only at 12, like, 3 times, but no reply.

And the finally, I decided to give up and text him a farewell message.

Thus far, I have never been negative with my tone towards him, more of stopping at expressing disappointment.

I spoken to some of my friends and had some advice, but I would wish to hear some from you guys as well. What do you guys think of him.

To be honest, there was a time when i purposely not reply him for a week and he was crazy waiting for my PM, can see that he is interested in me. But, what happened? Is it because I'm too aggressive with my confession email? During our chat at the bar, he did ask this question

"So if I say that I dun want kids in the future, you are gonna strike me out" To my horror, I didn't answer, but I made my point clear in the email that I didn't strike him out and I like him.

In short

Do you guys think I should whatsapp him? I'm not crazy over him, I'm now confident and happy, and fixing dates to meet more guys here and there. It's just that this thing resurfaces here and there and technically he didn't reject me. I want a closure, even if its a rejection. This thing feels like an incomplete final chapter of a segment of my life.

[Guest William]

Hmm and I mean, you dun do that to a friend isn't it? I consider him as my friend as we share many similarities in many issues. I'm not kidding but I really feel like he is my soulmate. Why is he reacting in such off-on manner?

[XiaoTer]

Very curious why u send him an email to express ur DISAPPOINTMENT? Wish him the best somemore? O.O

Perhaps he gets the wrong hint from it?

[Guest Guest]

pls dun play the waiting game and see who like who more and wait for each other to take action.

if u like him, pls take action first and do whatever u think is right and appropriate.

anw both of u know that each other is gay (i presume?) so there is really nothing awkward.

[tic-toc]

aiyah. After meeting you in person, he lost interest leow. simple as that. Most probably he did not feel the connection with you.

It happens to me all the time. After meeting me, all ppl automatically cut contact. I am a jinx. What to do? There's no need to seek any closure. U just move on.

Edited October 2, 2012 by tic-toc

[sexiespider]

I would refrain from going for movie dates with someone for the first time, as I would prefer to get to know them first. A movie date would have made it easier for affectionate actions to take place. In the event that I do meet someone for

a movie date for the first time, I would refrain from being affectionate with them. The reason why I refrain from being affectionate is because being affectionate similarly fast tracks the feelings that we have for one another, either from one party or both.

When we do not know each other, the physical intimacy gives the illusion that you are closer than you actually are, when in fact, you don’t actually know each other. But because you had been intimate, you think it gives you reason for you to move the relationship faster than you should. Then, similarly, this fast tracking will necessarily result in the same issues, as described in the previous parts of the story – that when you truly get to know someone on an emotional and psychological level, once the physical intimacy wears off, you might take a second look at whether this is something you want.

It is important for us to realise that when we show physical intimacy with this new person, for most of the time, it’s not because we actually like him, but because we might start romanticising about the situation that we are in, as well as about the person, and this thus leads us to imagining a temporal romance with the person – we might thus hug or kiss this new person whom we had just met. It is important for us to understand that this isn’t love, neither is it a liking that we have for that person, or that he had for us. Most of the time, it’s because of this temporal romance that we have created.

So, if we understand this, we would know not to feel hurt or be upset if the person might stop contact.

http://myrighttolove.com/2012/10/01/finding-love-as-a-gay-man-in-singapore-part-3/

[sexiespider]

I would refrain from going for movie dates with someone for the first time, as I would prefer to get to know them first. A movie date would have made it easier for affectionate actions to take place. In the event that I do meet someone for

a movie date for the first time, I would refrain from being affectionate with them. The reason why I refrain from being affectionate is because being affectionate similarly fast tracks the feelings that we have for one another, either from one party or both.

When we do not know each other, the physical intimacy gives the illusion that you are closer than you actually are, when in fact, you don’t actually know each other. But because you had been intimate, you think it gives you reason for you to move the relationship faster than you should. Then, similarly, this fast tracking will necessarily result in the same issues, as described in the previous parts of the story – that when you truly get to know someone on an emotional and psychological level, once the physical intimacy wears off, you might take a second look at whether this is something you want.

It is important for us to realise that when we show physical intimacy with this new person, for most of the time, it’s not because we actually like him, but because we might start romanticising about the situation that we are in, as well as about the person, and this thus leads us to imagining a temporal romance with the person – we might thus hug or kiss this new person whom we had just met. It is important for us to understand that this isn’t love, neither is it a liking that we have for that person, or that he had for us. Most of the time, it’s because of this temporal romance that we have created.

So, if we understand this, we would know not to feel hurt or be upset if the person might stop contact.

http://myrighttolove.com/2012/10/01/finding-love-as-a-gay-man-in-singapore-part-3/

[Guest William]

The 2nd email was sent because I was too anxious and impatient for a reply. I said that I was disappointed that he is not interested in me. But in my 1st email, I categorically stated clearly that I liked him. What was weird is that if he isn't interested in me, why did he even bother to call me 1 week later?

And, then not even replying to my sms and stuff here and there. It's just so unusual. I feel really connected to him because we talked about alot of stuff, and he really felt like a friend. He's a great person and I find it a waste to even lose a friend like that. I never felt that way with other dates.

[iced_tea]

TS, I sounds like he wasn't that interested in you after meeting up and just went through the date. Perhaps he felt guilty and wanted to call you to explain, but then felt scared/worried that he didn't know how to say it. Forget him and move on.

[Guest Rain]

I read this post with great interest and some alarm.

I always prefer someone expressing their interest in another person in a face-to-face situation. It may be awkward if it doesn't turn out well, but I love to read the subtle body language and signals that goes with the declaration.

TS first made known his feelings in an email but on the second day, sent out another email expressing disappointment just because the guy didn't respond. Isn't all that happening too fast? It's almost as if you are "forcing" him to make immediate decisions on this matter and if the answer is negative, he gets a backlash from you.

This was followed by some playing hard to get acts and a series of attempts to contact each other but ended on further disappointment text messages and emails?

First, I think we need to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He may have good reasons for not being able to respond on those occasions. If we jump the gun, then we may be judging him unfairly.

TS, on the other hand, was pushing things too fast and abruptly. I would be confused and possibly scared off on the receiving end of the conflicting emails. You need to give people time to process their feelings. Some people, especially the rational types, don't like to jump head on into anything and with good reason. The guy may be really interested in you but you came on too strong and that frightened him off. Frankly, I would be if I am him.

From your posting, I get the feeling you are impatient and impulsive. I'm not here to criticize or judge you and I'm just stating my objective observation of you based the postings alone.

[Guest Wiliam]

Ok so guys think I shld ask him what happened? I mean Im just curious to know why.

[Guest hoping]

Im sorry, TS...but he did not even have the balls to reply to your initial mail or calls after your date...haizzz...somethings are always best left forgotton...please move on! There are millions of men out there waiting for you! Dont lose hope! There's someone for everyone!

[c0ldFire]

do we need to know "why" when such things happen?

his actions, already spoken.. much louder than any words.. (ouch, i m sorry, but still must say)

sometimes, when he does such actions, is already an answer by itself, without having the need to find out why..

his actions are telling us a fact, and we have no choice, but to bite the bullet, accept this fact, and move on, no matter how painful..

easier said.. but will knowing the reasons behind his actions change this fact?

move on, bro..

[Guest Centrino]

Perhaps he just wanted to be treated as a friend. A confidante. Perhaps after that first meeting, he felt that the chemistry between the both of you was more of friendship than lovers. So when you sprang the love letter all of a sudden, it took him by surprise, he didn't know how to turn you down, but yet wanted to keep the friendship. So, by maintaining his distance for a while, he thought you would get the hint, and both of you could continue where you left off...as friends.