Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die, if he doesn't get a new heart soon. The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object.

A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive.

The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.

'Well, the first one belonged to 22-year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000!'

The old man waving off the last part about the cost asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor.

'This one belonged to a 16-year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. He drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart' ll set you back $150,000!'

'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?

''Well this one belonged to a 58-year old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for $500,000!!!'

'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?

''Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was never used!'

[worldangel]

An 85-year-old couple, after being married for almost 60 years, died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly due to her interest in health food and exercising.

When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen, master bath suite and a Jacuzzi. As they looked around, the old man asked St. Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next, they went out in the back yard to survey the championship-style golf course that the home was located. They would have golfing privileges every day and each week, the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "What are the green fees?" St. Peter replied, "This is Heaven, you play for free."

Next, they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the World laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven, it is free!" St. Peter replied, with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. St. Peter lectured, "That's the best part - you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that, the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and screaming wildly. St. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

[worldangel]

There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spends it.

The first one goes out and gets a total make over with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."

The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."

The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits

[worldangel]

A couple has a dog which snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring.

'Yeah right!" she says.

A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly.

The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken sleep and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates.

He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom, he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles.

He shakes his head, looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were or what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place!"

[worldangel]

There’s a student in medical school who wants to specialize in sexual disorders, so he makes arrangements to visit the sexual disorder clinic. The chief doctor is showing him around, discussing cases and the facility, when the student sees a patient masturbating right there in the hallway.

"What condition does he have?" the student asks.

"He suffers from Seminal Buildup Disorder," the doctor replies. "If he doesn’t obtain sexual release forty to fifty times a day, he’ll pass into a coma."

The student takes some notes on that, and they continue down the hall. As they turn the corner, he sees another patient with his pants around his ankles, receiving oral sex from a beautiful nurse.

"What about him?" the student asks. "What’s his story?"

"Oh, it’s the same condition," the doctor replies. "He just has a better health plan."

[worldangel]

There were 3 guys in the jungle...

They were walking then all of a sudden a tribe caught them trespassing....so the tribe took them to the chief and the chief said: “All of you bring me back 10 fruits”

......so then the first guy came back with 10 apples and the chief said if you laugh, scream or yell I am going to kill you and send you to hell..... so, the chief started putting apples up the guys ass..... then at the third apple the guy screamed, by doing so the chief cut his head off and sent him to hell....

…… so then the second guy came back with cherries...... so the chief told him the same thing then started putting cherries up his ass..... so at the ninth cherry the guy started laughing.... so the chief sent him to hell....

..... so the first guy asked the second guy why he laughed and the second guy answered because he saw the third guy had watermelons

[Asura]

Kids.... hehehehe

I remember going to the toilet, standing at a urinal, while beside me is a cute looking dad in his 30s, he was helping his boy urine and than he take his turn, while the boy look excitedly at the man's penis.

The man ask, "what are you looking at boi boi, don't look lah, nothing to see one" in a shy manner

The boy say, "I want to see your LAN CHEOW" in a very loud manner...

The other guys and me were bursting with laughter when the cute father quickly finish his job and bring his son out. I have not seen a face redder than his before

[worldangel]

Two old ladies, Maria and Tina, were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Tina pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Maria: "What's that?"

Tina: "A condom."

Maria: "Where'd you get it?"

Tina: "You can get them at any chemist"

The next day, Maria hobbled into the local chemist and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted to buy a pack of condoms.

The guy looked at her strangely (she was, after all, in her eighties), but politely asked what brand she preferred.

"Doesn't matter," she replied, "as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted

[worldangel]

A father is in the drugstore with his young son when the boy discovers the condom aisle. "What are these, Dad?"

"Well, son, those are condoms. They're for protection when you're having sex."

The son points to a pack and asks, "Why does it have only three in it, Dad?"

"Well, son, those are for high school boys: one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Well, why does this pack have six in it?"

"Well, son, those are for college men: two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"Well then, what about this package with 12 in it?"

"Well, son, those are for married men: one for January, one for February..."

[worldangel]

Two young men decided to make a bet as to which one of them could make love more times in one night. They agreed that sunrise would be the end of the contest and each went to their respective motel rooms.

The more boastful of the two ... went right to it and made love to his date ... leaned over and marked a "l" on the wall ... Feeling sprightly, he went again ... and once again at the completion of the act ... marked another "l" on the wall - next to the first. Figuring he had the bet in the bag ... he decided to relax a bit and in relaxing ... fell asleep.

Awakened by the sun's shines coming through the window ... he quickly grab his lady and did it one more time ... and marked another "l" on the wall ... Just at that time ... His friend enters ... and upon seeing the marks on the wall exclaims:

"DAMN - a hundred and eleven ... beat me by three ..."

[worldangel]

A man takes his wife to the animal show. They start heading down the alley that had the bulls. They come up to the first bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, you could learn from him."

They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated 65 times last year." The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You can learn from this one, also."

They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife's mouth drops open and says, "WOW! He mated 365 times last year. That is ONCE A DAY!!! You could really learn from this one."

The man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and inquire, if it was 365 times with the same cow."

[worldangel]

A man goes to his doctor and says. "Doc, I have a problem. My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday. I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy all 3 of them.

The doctor says "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for a man of your age. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says "You have a deal, Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor says "What happened"?

The man answered "Nobody Showed Up!"

[worldangel]

The old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up from the couch then starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, "Where are you going?"

He replies, "I'm going to the doctor."

She says, "Why, are you sick?"

He says, "Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff."

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, "Where the hell are you going"?

She answers, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

He says, "Why, what do you need?"

She says, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing, I'm Getting a tetanus shot too."

[worldangel]

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.

About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?".

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please... just one more time before I die.".

She says, "Of course, Dear.". They make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he’s down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don’t!"

[worldangel]

A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?"

So the doctor says, "Yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra".

"Viagra?" says the poor guy. "How will that help my sunburn?".

"It won't help your sunburn much" says the doctor, "but at least it'll keep the sheets off it!"

[Steman]

A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?"

So the doctor says, "Yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra".

"Viagra?" says the poor guy. "How will that help my sunburn?".

"It won't help your sunburn much" says the doctor, "but at least it'll keep the sheets off it!"

Is this joke from one of LC's? Looks so familiar?

[worldangel]

Is this joke from one of LC's? Looks so familiar?

Proably Steman, as some of jokes are from the same sources. Need to be careful with the theme as moderator already gave us a tickle.

[worldangel]

Doctor Joe had slept with one of his patients and had felt guilty all day long.

No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that soothing voice, within himself, trying to reassure him. "Joe, don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of their patients and you won't be the last. And you're single. Let it go."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality: "Joe, you're a vet." :oops:

[worldangel]

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan. After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

"Susan is actually your half sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George.

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your natural father. "

[worldangel]

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

[worldangel]

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

When the teenager was tired of being stared at, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never did anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "I've got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

[worldangel]

A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.

The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."

[worldangel]

There is a guy who goes to a pub and asks the bar tender for 10 shots of Tequila.

The bar tender says "no that’s too much".

The guy tells the bar tender he just found out his brother is gay, so the bar tender says that’s understandable, so he gives the guy 10 shots of Tequila.

The next day the same guy goes to the pub again and asks the bar tender for 20 shots of Tequila. The bar tender says "no way, that's too much".

The guy says, "I just found out that my son is gay". So the bar tender says that’s understandable", and gives him 20 shots of Tequila.

Now the next day the same guy goes to the bar again and asks the bar tender for 30 shots of Tequila. The bar tender at this stage gets angry and says to the guy, "what's the matter, does no one in your house like pussy", to which the guy replies, "yeah my wife"

[worldangel]

A man walks into a Doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the Doctor. The note says: "I can't talk, help me!"

The Doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, "Put your penis on the table here."

The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as he says.

The Doctor takes a rubber mallet and hits his penis with it as hard as he can. The man cries in great agony: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA....." and the Doctor says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"

[worldangel]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts.

In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" asks the boy. "Yes," said the father, "you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of willies are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases.

In his twenties, his willie is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but still reliable.

After his fifties, it is like an old Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

[worldangel]

A young man goes to a whorehouse to experience his first taste of sex.

The Mamasan suggests that he start with 69. He decides to give it a try.

The prostitute leads him to a room, gets undressed, and instructs the young man on what to do. Unfortunately, just as he starts she farts.

The man quietly says to himself, "phew", but he goes down on her again.

A moment later she farts again. He says "phew", but continues.

Once more she farts. This time he immediately gets up and starts walking out. She asks him what's wrong, and he replies "I don't think I can take the remaining 66 of those!"

[worldangel]

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his drivers' license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.

He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. "Will I have to go home and come back now?" he asks.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

He opens his shirt revealing lots of curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.", and she processes his Social Security application.

When he gets home, the man excitedly tells his wife about his experience at the Social Security office.

His wife says, "You should have dropped your pants, you might have qualified for disability, too."

[worldangel]

Mr. Tan's new secretary was young, sweet, and very polite.

One day, while taking dictation, she noticed his zipper was open. She didn't want to embarrass him, so she waited until she was leaving his office before saying, "Mr. Tan, your barracks door is open."

The remark confused him until he happened to look down and see his open zipper.

He decided to have some fun. Calling her in, he asked, "Miss Lim, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

Miss Lim smiled demurely. "Why? No, Sir. But I did see a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags!"

[worldangel]

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60." Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!" "Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much." "Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

[worldangel]

Eventhough her husband had been in a coma for months, the faithful wife stayed by his bedside every day. When he finally came to, he motioned for her to come near. She leaned over in order to hear him.

"What is it, my hubby?"

"When I got fired, you were there."

"Yes, dear," she comforted him.

"When my business failed, you were there."

"Yes, dear."

"When I got depressed and started drinking, you were there."

"Yes, dear."

"When we went bankrupt and lost our home, you were there."

"Yes, dear."

"And when my health failed, once again you were right here by my side."

"Yes, dear."

"You know what?"

"What, dear?"

"You're bad luck!"

[worldangel]

A husband came home from work and his wife slapped him. "What was that about?" he cried.

"I found a piece of paper in your pants last night with the name 'Mary Lou' written on it," she said, steaming. "You'd better have a damned good explanation."

"Calm down, honey," he replied. "Remember last week when I went to the races? Mary Lou was one of the horses I bet on, that's all."

The next day when he came home from work, his wife slapped him again.

"Now what?" he cried.

"This morning, your horse called!"

[worldangel]

A construction worker goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I'm constipated.

" The doctor tells him to drop his pants, examines him for just a moment, and then says, "Lean over the table."

The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him across his ass with a baseball bat, and then sends him into the bathroom.

When he returns, he says, "Doc, I feel great! What should I do?"

The doctor says, "Stop wiping your butt with those old cement bags!"

[worldangel]

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice.

When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"

"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

[worldangel]

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman!

Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

He's gorgeous! Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers: "Iron this."

[worldangel]

A man returning home a day early from a business trip, got into a taxi at the airport after midnight.

While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspected his wife was having an affair, and expected to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed to be a witness.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.

The husband flipped on the lights, pulled the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put his gun to the man's head, and the wife shouted "Don't do it! This man has been very generous.

Who do you think paid for the car I said I bought for you? He did! Who do you think paid for our new cabin cruiser? He did! Who do you think pays our monthly country club dues you believe I budget for?. . . He does!"

The husband, looked over at the cab driver and asked, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

[worldangel]

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, "Edna, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Edna would say, "I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, "Edna, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Edna replied, "Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

Fred replied, "Well, I was going to say something when Edna fell out of the plane, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

[worldangel]

Daniel calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work."

The boss says, "You Daniel, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I can go to work. You should try that."

Two hours later Daniel calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I’ll be at work soon. You got nice house."

[worldangel]

During her annual checkup, the pretty lady was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."

"All right," said the physician, "I'll switch off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

[worldangel]

A surgeon was retiring from his long and rewarding career as a specialist in circumcision. Throughout his career, he had saved the foreskins of his patients in specimen jars as momentos, and now wished to fashion them into a souvenir.

So he brought his hundreds of specimens to a leather smith, and asked him to craft an article of fine artistic quality. "I'll see what I can do," said the artisan, "Check again with me in one week."

The surgeon returned one week later, eager to see what magnificent article the leather smith had made for him. The leather smith presented him a wallet.

"All those foreskins and you only make me a wallet?" exclaimed the surgeon.

The leather smith replied "Yes, but if you stroke it, it becomes a briefcase."

[worldangel]

One day a young man about the age of 25 was walking along the sidewalk in the park. Then all of a sudden he looks up from hearing the sound of an old man sobbing.

"What's wrong?" said the young man.

"Well it's nothing really." said the old man.

"It has to be something. Tell me about it" said the young man.

"Well, everyday after I wake up in the morning, me and my wife have wild sex. Then I leave for work" the old man said.

"That's not bad" the young man said.

"Well, when I get home from work, my wife has already finished making lunch for me and her. Then after lunch we have more wild sex." the old man said.

"That's not bad at all. There's no reason why you should be sobbing." said the young man.

"When we finish making love, I go back to work at my second job. Then i come home and by that time, my wife is finished making supper. Then we eat and have wild sex again through out the night." the old man said.

"If you are having sex all day, then why so glum?" the young man said.

Then the old man finally says why he is so glum, "I forgot where I live!"

[worldangel]

An elderly man owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and look it over. He grabbed a big bucket to bring back some fruit from the farm.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

Moral of the story: Old men may move slow but can still think fast.

[worldangel]

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision. When he comes to after the procedure, he

[worldangel]

Little Timmy is playing on the street when he spots a package of Viagra pills. Being a boy of the world, he immediately recognizes the possibilities and approaches his daddy, "Dad, I just found these, and I'm willing to sell them to you for $100 straight."

"Son, well, while this is a very good offer, I'm in perfect physical health and not currently needing those. Tell you what, go ask Grandpa."

So Timmy walks over and asks his grandfather, "Gramps, I will sell you this package of Viagra for $100."

"Oh, thanks Timmy, but are you sure these will work?" asked his grandfather.

"Gee, I don't know," said Timmy. "But they do look like the ones that were shown on TV!"

"Tell you what, Timmy, I'll try them tonight and if they work okay, I'll give you the money tomorrow."

The next morning, Timmy visits his grandfather again, and Gramps hands over $500 without hesitation. Timmy is perplexed, "But Gramps, I thought we agreed on $100."

"That's okay, Timmy, keep it," replied the grandfather. "The rest is from Grandma!"

[worldangel]

This man got his prescription for Viagra, and goes home to get ready for when his wife gets home. He calls her on the phone, and says, "I'll be home in an hour."

"Perfect," she replies. The man thinks her agreement is because the doctor told him to take his Viagra an hour before.

He takes the Viagra and waits. Well, and hour goes by, the man is ready to go, but no wife?

She calls him on the phone and she says, "Traffic is terrible. I won't be there for about an hour and a half."

The man, frustrated, calls his doctor for advice. "What should I do?" he asks.

The doctor replied, "It would be a shame to waste it. Do you have a housekeeper around?"

"Yes," the man replied.

"Well, maybe you can occupy yourself with her instead?" said the doctor.

The man then replied with dismay, "But I don't need Viagra with the housekeeper."

[worldangel]

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.

The pharmacist said, "That's no problem. How many do you want?"

The man answered, "Just a few, maybe four, but cut each one into four pieces."

The pharmacist said, "That won't do you any good."

The elderly gentleman said, "That's all right. I don't need them for sex anymore, as I'm over 80 years old.

I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

[worldangel]

A man comes to a doctor and, twitching his fingers and stuttering, finally manages to say, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?"

"Oh, that's not a problem for us men anymore!" announces a proud physician. "They just came out with this new wonder drug, Viagra, that does the trick! You take some pills, and your problems are history." So the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way.

A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. "Doctor, Doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly. "I've got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It's wonderful!"

"Well, I'm glad to hear that," says the pleased physician. "What does your wife think about it?"

"Wife?" asks the man. "I haven't been home yet."

[worldangel]

Concerned about his failing manhood, a farmer went to the local doctor for help.

The doctor gave him a small container of blue pills and told him to take no more than one a day.

Back home, the farmer thought he'd try the medication on his stud horse first. The horse swallowed the pill, jumped out of his stall, kicked a side of the barn over, and ran off down the road.

"Those Viagra pills are too strong for me." the farmer thought, and he poured the rest into his well.

Later, when the doctor came to check on him, the farmer told him how he had disposed of the medication.

"Heavens!" exclaimed the doctor. "You haven't drank any of the well water, have you?"

No," said the farmer. "We can't get the pump handle down."

[worldangel]

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.

The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

------------

Little Johnny says to his mother, "Mom, is the lady next door bionic?"

"Of course not, why do you ask Little Johnny?" said his mother.

" Oh, it's just that I heard Dad telling Uncle Bob that he had screwed her eyes out!"

[worldangel]

When a man died, his grieving widow put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that her husband had died of gonorrhea.

No sooner were the papers delivered than a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, "You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea."

Replied the widow, "I nursed him night and day, so of course I knew that he died of diarrhea. But, I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big sh** he always was..."

[worldangel]

A lady in her late 40's went to a plastic surgeon for a face lift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob."

This small knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever.

Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob" and had the procedure done.

Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon with two problems. "All these years everything had been working just fine," she said. "I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results."

The woman continued, " But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them."

The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."

"Oh," she replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."