Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two Men Camping

Two young men were out in the woods on a camping trip, when the came upon this great trout brook. They stayed there all day, enjoying the fishing, which was super.

At the end of the day, knowing that they would be graduating from college soon, they vowed that they would meet, in twenty years, at the same place and renew the experience.

Twenty years later, they met and traveled to a spot near where they had been years before. They walked into the woods and before long came upon a brook. One of the men said to the other, "This is the place!".

The other replied, "No, it's not!".
The first man said, "Yes, I do recognize the clover growing on the bank on the other side.

To which the other man replied, "Silly, you can't tell a brook by it's clover."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A linguistics professor was le...

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

Then a voice from the back of the room piped up: "Yeah, right."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It was a stifling hot day and ...

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bank Teller

This guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a freakin' checking account." 

To which the lady replied, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?" 
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a freakin' checking account right now." 
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!" The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. 

They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?" 
"There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won $50 million in the lottery and I want to open a freakin checking account in this damn bank!" 

"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Laying Turf

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!"

In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply.

"But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A traveling salesman was held ...

A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY: "Delayed by storm. Send instructions." 

His boss e-mails back: "Start vacation immediately." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Yogi Walked into a Pizza Parlor…

What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?
"Make me one with everything."

When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"

The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Caught on the Job

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.

Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, A-a-a-men!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Black Panties

Sherry lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn't gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter constantly urges her to get back into the dating world. Finally, Sherry says she'll go out, but doesn't know anyone. 

Her daughter immediately replies, "Mama! I have someone for you to meet." 
Well, it's an immediate hit. They really like one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the mountains. 

Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stands nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit. 
Looking at her he asks, "Why the black panties?" 
She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning." 

Obviously, he knows he's not getting lucky that night. 
The following night the same scenario. She's standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit...except... that he has a black prophylactic over his manhood. 
She looks at him and asks, "What's with the...uh...black prophylactic?" 

He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Money Is No Object

A doctor tells a rich old man that he's going to die if he doesn't get a new heart soon. The old man tells the doctor to search the world for the best heart available, money is no object. A few days later the doctor calls the old man and says he has found three hearts but they are all expensive. The old man reminds the doctor that he is filthy rich and implores him to tell him about the donors they came from.

'Well, the first one belonged to 22 year old marathon runner, never smoked, ate only the most healthy foods, was in peak condition when he was hit by a bus. No damage to the heart, of course. But it costs $100,000!'

The old man waving off the last part about the cost asks the doctor to tell him about the second donor. 'This one belonged to a 16 year old long-distance swimmer, high school kid. Lean and mean. Drowned when he hit his head on the side of the pool. That heart'll set you back $150,000!'

'Okay,' said the old man, 'what about the third heart?'

'Well this one belonged to a 58 year-old man, smoked three packs of cigarettes a day, weighed over 300 pounds, never exercised, drank like a fish... this heart is going for $500,000!!!'

'Five-hundred grand?!?!', the old man exclaimed, 'why so expensive?'

'Well', said the doctor, 'this heart belonged to a lawyer... so it was never used!'

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Copies of Copies

A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying the old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original
books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in the first copy, that error would be continued in all of the other copies.

The head monk said, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son." The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original.

Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. He heard a sobbing coming from the back of the cellar and found the old monk leaning over one of the original books, crying. He asked what was wrong.

"The word is 'celebrate'," said the head monk.
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: He replies, "I want to offer my deepest condolences."

The Army has been experimenting for years to come up with a liquid that will eat through anything and they finally did it. It eats through glass, stainless steel, iron, and all kinds of metal, rock and granite. Now if they could only find something to put it in.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two dumb fishermen...

Two fishermen, Paul and Jim, decided to rent a boat on a lake for their favourite sport. After fishing for 4 hours at various places around the lake with no luck at all they decided to try one more spot before calling it quits. Suddenly things started to happen and they caught their limit inside of twenty minutes.

Paul said, Hey we should mark this spot, so next time we will know where to come,

Jim says good idea, and he took out a can of spray paint and made a large X on the floor of the boat to mark the spot.

With that Paul says, why did you do that, now anyone who rents this boat will know where to fish
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Cotton Candy

So this old man is walking down the street in Brooklyn.

He sees a young boy sitting on the street in front of a candy shop, shoving sweets in his mouth as fast as possible.

The man walks up to the boy and says "You know son, it's really not healthy to eat all that candy."

The kid looks up at him and says, "You know my grandfather lived to be 97 years old."

The man replies "Oh and did he eat a lot of candy?" The kid looks at him and says "No, but he minded his own fucking business."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Problem With Vampires

The problem with vampires is they look like they’re 20, but they’re actually 100 years old. So you’ll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates some people.

And then you take him out to a nightclub, and he’s doing the Charleston. Or you think he’s cheating on you, so you go through his journal. You’re like, Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman? Who the f**k is that?
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex and athletics....

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mix up

Sam was attending a conference in New York and staying at a very smart hotel. His wife, Sara, traveled down to New York to join Sam for the conference's closing dinner/dance.

When she arrived, Sam was still in a meeting so she introduced herself to the receptionist and asked for the number of Mr Wilson's room.

She was duly given the number and the key and she took the lift to the 3rd floor. Sara wanted to freshen up and be ready for Sam when he arrived back. She unpacked, popped her nightie under the bed covers, showered and got ready for the evening.

Time passed and Sara became concerned that he hadn't arrived back and she was worried as to whether they would make the dinner on time. By 8 pm she rang reception to ask if Sam was in the bar; she was told that he had gone to his room some 2 hours earlier.

“What room?” spluttered Sara to the receptionist.
“Room 205, on the second floor”, answered the girl politely.
“But I'm in room 409,” exploded Sara in consternation.
“Oh dear,” said the receptionist, "That must be another Mr Wilson's room!”

Sara grabbed her belonging and dashed down to room 205. She forgot, of course, to remove her nightie. What a surprise for Mr Wilson (and Mrs Wilson!) on returning to the room.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Reason For Running

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Age is a funny thing....

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"

"I'm 4 and half."

You're never 36 and a half, but you're 4 and a half going on 5! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number.

"How old are you?"

"I'm gonna be 16."

You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. And then the greatest day of your life happens: you become 21. Even the words sounds like a ceremony--you BECOME 21. YES!!!!

But then you turn 30. Ooohhh, what happened here?? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED. We had to throw him out. There's no fun now. What's wrong?? What changed???

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40...stay over there, it's all slipping away...

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50...my dreams are gone...

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50 and then you MAKE IT to 60...Whew! I didn't think I'd make it.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, You're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60, and by then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70!

After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday, you get into your 80s, you HIT lunch. I mean my grandmother won't even buy green bananas, "Well it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."

And it doesn't end there...Into the 90's, you start going backwards: I was JUST 92. Then a strange thing happens, if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again: I'm 100 and a half!!

Age is a funny thing.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Cotton Candy

So this old man is walking down the street in Brooklyn.

He sees a young boy sitting on the street in front of a candy shop, shoving sweets in his mouth as fast as possible.

The man walks up to the boy and says "You know son, it's really not healthy to eat all that candy."

The kid looks up at him and says, "You know my grandfather lived to be 97 years old."

The man replies "Oh and did he eat a lot of candy?" The kid looks at him and says "No, but he minded his own fucking business."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Nurses Tricks

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.
The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.

The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms.

The third nurse fainted.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Please Miss, would you...

Pupil : Please Miss, would you punish someone for something they didn't do?

Teacher: No, Of course not!!

Pupil : Oh good, Because i haven't done my homework!!!


 

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Ploughing The Land

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole." 
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Get better

Harry, after his retirement volunteered to entertain patients in hospitals. He would go from one hospital to another in the city and always carried his guitar with him. He would crack jokes and would sing some funny songs at patients' bedsides.

When he finished at one such hospital, he said to an old man, "I hope you get better."

The elderly gentleman quickly replied, "I hope you get better, too."

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Another wife?

At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child.

"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.'

"But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?"

One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Jody and Sara live in the swamps...

Jody and Sara live in the swamps of Louisiana. 
One day Sara came up missing.

It took three days for all of the locals and the sheriff to find Sara. The sheriff says to Jody, "I have bad news and I have good news about Sara."

"What is the bad news", asks Jody?

"We found Sara face down in the swamp, she's dead."

"Well what kind of good news can there be", ask Jody?

The Sheriff responded, "We got 24 blue crab off her, we decided to leave for another 3 days and run her again."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Duct Tape

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Constantly Complaining About The Temperature

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma!

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased. He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "QUEEN SIZE".

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, YOU wear the same size as our bed!"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cough Syrup

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" 

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." 

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" 

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Couple Shuffle 

Two couples are on a double date when they start talking about partner swapping. They decide it would be cool to try it out. The two couples then go to a local motel. They rent two rooms for the night, and the newly shuffled couples go to their respective rooms. 

One couple, in their room, go wild with each other. They make love for hours. When finished, one of the two rolls over on her side, props herself on one elbow, lights up a cigarette, looks at her partner, and says... 

"I wonder how the guys are doing?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lucky So Far

Little Johnny and the little girl next door are in love. One day Johnny goes to his mother and tells her that the two are getting married. She thinks this is absolutely adorable and asks, "Well Johnny, where are the two of you going to live?" 

He says they can live in her room. "And how are you going to support your new wife?" Johnny's mother asks. Johnny tells her the two of their allowances combined should be enough to support two six year olds. 

"Well what will you do if you have a baby?" 

Johnny looks at her, shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we've been lucky so far."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man sits down at a bar and orders...

A man sits down at a bar and orders a double martini. After he finishes, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another double martini.

The barman says: "I'll bring you martinis all night but why do you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Park Bench

Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?" 

Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not." 
"But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. 

Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man looked at the menu at the

A man looked at the menu at the airport restaurant, and saw that the sandwiches were named for planes. 

 

"I'll have a 'jumbo jet'," he said. 
When the order arrived, he was disappointed to see how small his burger was, but he ate it anyway. 

He called his waiter over. "Was that the 'jumbo jet'?" he asked. 
"Yeah," the waiter answered. "Went pretty fast, didn't it?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Put your money where your mouth is....

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the young man bragged replied. "Let's see what you got."

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Coming Home Late

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?'...and she's always sound asleep!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: You see....

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say....

"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man purchased a brand new ...

A man purchased a brand new $350,000.00 Lamborghini sports car. He took it out on the expressway to see just how fast his car would travel. The man accelerated past 100 mph and then an old man on a moped passed him up like he was standing still.
 

The man in the sports car was amazed at the feat and accelerated so quickly he passed the old man on his moped like he was standing still too. Then as quickly as the man in his sports car passed the old man on his moped, the old man passed him up again just as quickly. The man in the sports car felt so intimidated that he accelerated as fast as he could and passed up the old man on the moped again.

The old man on his moped once again passed up the sports car. Finally the man in his sports car could not believe his eyes, so he got past the old man on the moped and pulled over to the side of the expressway. The old man on the moped pulled over too.

The man in the sports car got out and ran over to the old man on the moped and asked "How in the world could you get that moped to go near as fast as my new $350,000.00 sports car?"

The old man on the moped was huffing and puffing and trying to catch his breath. He looked up and said "Mr. I'm so glad you pulled over because for the last 10 minutes my suspenders have been hooked on to the rear of your' bumper!" 

 

[fallmerees]

10 minutes ago, worldangel said:

 Joke: A man purchased a brand new ...

A man purchased a brand new $350,000.00 Lamborghini sports car. He took it out on the expressway to see just how fast his car would travel. The man accelerated past 100 mph and then an old man on a moped passed him up like he was standing still.
 

The man in the sports car was amazed at the feat and accelerated so quickly he passed the old man on his moped like he was standing still too. Then as quickly as the man in his sports car passed the old man on his moped, the old man passed him up again just as quickly. The man in the sports car felt so intimidated that he accelerated as fast as he could and passed up the old man on the moped again.

The old man on his moped once again passed up the sports car. Finally the man in his sports car could not believe his eyes, so he got past the old man on the moped and pulled over to the side of the expressway. The old man on the moped pulled over too.

The man in the sports car got out and ran over to the old man on the moped and asked "How in the world could you get that moped to go near as fast as my new $350,000.00 sports car?"

The old man on the moped was huffing and puffing and trying to catch his breath. He looked up and said "Mr. I'm so glad you pulled over because for the last 10 minutes my suspenders have been hooked on to the rear of your' bumper!" 

 

 

HAHA!!!

[worldangel]

 Joke: Free Meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally, he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed. 

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." 

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." 

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Eat Now or Take Them With?

A father and his son went hunting for the first time. The father said, ”Son, whatever you do don't scream. Stay here while I go around to check the field." 

About ten minutes later the father heard his son scream. The father ran over and said, "Why did you scream?" 

His son said, "A skunk walked by my feet but I didn’t scream. Then a snake was crawling around my neck, but I didn’t scream cause you told me not to. Then two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and heard one say, 'should we eat them now or take them with us?'"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Fruits of Love

Billy Joe and his bride are on their honeymoon when their car breaks down. They make it to a farmer’s house, and the farmer agrees to let them spend the night. The next morning he yells up to them, “It is 11 o’clock. Are you coming down to breakfast?” 

Billy Joe yells back, “We’re living on the fruits of love.” 

The farmer yells, “Terrific. Live on the fruits of love. But would you please quit chuckn’ the peels out the window? You’re chokin’ my ducks.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It's Not Easy

Two 9-year-old boys were playing in the waiting room of a pediatrician. One was noticeably more apprehensive about seeing the doctor. So the other one asked, "What are you seeing the doctor about?" 

The apprehensive boy replied, "I'm having a circumcision." 

The other boy immediately understood and said, "Yeah, it's not easy. I had my circumcision just after I was born, and I have to tell you, I didn't walk for a whole year!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It Was Grandma's Idea

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed. 

The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again. 

The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck... so this was your Grandma's idea."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fact and Faith

During the Sunday morning sermon on FACT and FAITH the preacher was explaining the difference between the two. 

To make an example, he said to his congregation, "You see my wife sitting there in the front row, with a new born baby in her arms." 

He takes a pause and then continues, "It's a FACT she knows that baby is hers. But I have to have FAITH in her that it's mine."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A very drunk gent checked into

A very drunk gent checked into a hotel late one Saturday night. He awoke very ill and summoned a bellboy to fetch him a bottle of whiskey and a Sunday newspaper. The bellhop was gone a long time. 

When he returned, the drunk remarked, "It must be hard to buy a bottle in this town on Sunday." 

"There was no trouble with the whiskey," replied the bellboy, "but it's tough finding a Sunday paper on Tuesday."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Got gas?

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Who drives you?

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about It?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two prisoners are talking about...

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:

George: 'I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years'

Herman: 'Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days'

George: 'WHAT!? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days!?'

Herman: 'Yeah, it was a lawyer.'