Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman goes into a sporting goods ...

A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle. 

"It`s for my husband," she tells the clerk. 

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn`t even know that I`m going to shoot him!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Crime scene

Two cops rush to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

"What happened?" asks the first cop.

"Male, about thirty, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail."

"Oh my God," says the second officer. "Didn't we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?"

"You're right. I'm afraid," said the detective as he took a drag from his cigarette, "this is the work of a cereal killer."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Water in the carburetor...

WIFE: "There's trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous."

WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor."

HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car?"

WIFE: "In the pool.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pun Ahead

Some friars needed to raise more money for books for the school, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. 

Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of the Heaven, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good brothers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close.

They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. 

Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that "Only Hugh can prevent florist friars."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An executive was interviewing ...

An executive was interviewing a young woman for a position in his company. He wanted to learn something about her personality, so he asked, "if you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"

She quickly responded, "The living one."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why No Luck?

Ole and Lena are driving home from a party one night when Ole gets pulled over for speeding. The officer comes to the window and asks Ole, "Sir, did you realize that you were speeding?"

"No sir," replies Ole, "I had no idea I was speeding."

Suddenly, Lena blurts out, "Yeah you did Ole! You were speeding and you knew it the whole time!"

"Would you be quiet Lena, this isn't the time or the place!"

"Well, you were speeding and now you're trying to lie about it," says Lena.

Ole replies, "Will you just shut up for once, I'm sick of you bossing me around!"

The officer, still standing at the window of the car is surprised at the way Ole is talking to his wife. He asks, "Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you like this?"

"No," she replies, "only when he's been drinking."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A soldier was asked to report ...

A soldier was asked to report to headquarters for assignment. The sergeant said: "We have a critical shortage of typists. I'll give you a little test. Type this," he ordered, giving him a pamphlet to copy and a sheet of paper, and pointing to a desk across the room that held a typewriter and an adding machine.

The man, quite reluctant to become a clerk typist, made a point of typing very slowly, and saw to it that his work contained as many errors as possible.
The sergeant gave the typed copy only a brief glance.

"That's fine," he said; "Report for work at 8 tomorrow."
"But aren't you going to check the test?" the prospective clerk asked.

The sergeant grinned. "You passed the test," he replied, "when you sat down at the typewriter instead of at the adding machine."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fear of Flying

There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Holy Book along with her.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Holy Book, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.

After a while, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Holy Book."

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Holy Book."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Missing fingers....

Jon's working at the lumberyard, pushing a tree through the buzz saw, and accidentally shears off all ten of his fingers. He goes to the emergency room.

The doctor says, "Yuck! Well, give me the fingers, and I'll see what I can do."

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 1998. We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, heck, Doc, I couldn't pick 'em up."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Before...

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two before."
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Stuck nuts

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her new boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.

"So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"

"Well,” says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's going to become our son-in-law."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What is sex?

An 8-year-old girl asks her father, "Daddy, what is sex?" The father is somewhat surprised that she would ask such a question.

But, he reckons if she's old enough to ask the question, then surely she's old enough for a straight answer.

So, the father proceeds to tell his young daughter all about the "birds and the bees." 
After a brief explanation, the little girl appears wide-eyed in disbelief. "By the way, dear, why do you ask?" the father asks.

The little girl replies, "Mommy told me to tell you that dinner would be ready in just a couple of secs."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Often Feel Guilty

Sheri, the pert and pretty nurse took her troubles to a resident psychiatrist in the hospital where she worked. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date one of the young doctors here, I end up dating him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."

"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."

"NO!!!" exclaimed the nurse. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward!"


 

[worldangel]

Joke: An old man goes to the Wizard ...

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Son of a lawyer...

While two families were waiting in line to see the Washington Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: That Was My Shot

Three friends went deer hunting: a doctor, a lawyer, and a preacher. After hours of waiting, a huge deer suddenly appeared. Excited, all three men aimed and pulled their triggers at the same time, and the animal fell dead. 

The doctor said, "That was my shot." The lawyer replied, "I'm sure I shot it." The preacher disagreed, "I killed that deer." The argument was about to get out of hand when the doctor said, "Let me do an autopsy to settle this matter once for all." 

After the examination, the doctor reported, "It was the preacher who killed the deer." 

The lawyer asked, "What's the proof?" 

The doctor replied, "The bullet went in one ear and out the other."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Getting Married

Man #1: "I don't want to get marry because I’m afraid of all women." 

Man #2: "Just get married soon. Then you'll be afraid of only one woman and start loving other women."

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Do You Know Who I Am?

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is, they all run out except this one old man. So the devil walks up to him and says, "Do you know who I am?" 

The old man sips his beer and answers, "Yep". 

The Devil says, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?" 

The old man looks over and says, "I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm Beat

“I’m beat,” confessed the popular sorority girl to her friend. "Last night I didn’t fall asleep until after three.” 

“No wonder you’re tired,” her friend sympathized. “Twice is usually all I need.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Did You Say Warehouse?

On the battlefield an Officer orders a Soldier to try and save a military warehouse that’s been set on fire by the enemy. To get to a hose the soldier dodges bullets, wipes out a machine gun nest and blows up an enemy tank. 

He then climbs all over the burning building and extinguish every flame he can find. On the way back he kills three men barehanded, shoots down an enemy helicopter and destroys and enemy base. The Officer salutes him. “That was the most heroic thing I ever saw,” he says. “You’ll get a medal for saving that warehouse” 

“Warehouse?” says the soldier, “I thought you said whorehouse!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: That Makes Sense

A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jack’s neighborhood. “How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer. 

“Three times,” Jack said without hesitation. 

“That is once more often than your neighbor,” said the inquirer. 

“That makes sense,” Jack said, “after all, she is my wife.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Playing Hide-and-Seek

A husband returned earlier from a business trip and he wanted to surprise his wife. The wife was, of course, in the bed with the neighbor - Peter. As she heard her husband coming home she told Peter to hide in the wardrobe. 

She lied down on the floor, pretending she had a heart attack. Her husband came in and saw his wife on the floor. He was very alarmed! At that moment his little kid came in saying, “Daddy, daddy! Peter is hiding in the wardrobe!” 

The man went to the wardrobe and shouted, “You nerd! Instead helping me with my sick wife, you're playing hide-and-seek with the kid!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pepsi Genie

It was a dark man.....a hungry, thirsty bum. He was looking for food in a garbage can, when suddenly he finds a can of Pepsi. He opens the can and a magic genie comes out.
"You get three wishes, be very careful and don't spoil them."

"OK, OK," and without hesitation he says, "first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, naked girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink.... lots of water.

Bam, presto...the Magic Genie turned him into.....a toilet!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A widower who never paid any ...

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?" "Yes, my husband." "Are you happy?" "Yes, my husband." "Happier than you were with me?" "Yes, my husband." "Then Heaven must be an amazing place!" "I'm not in Heaven, dear."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A husband

Ken, joking to his friend over a round of drinks, "Do you know why every woman needs a husband?"

Bud, "Why?"

Ken, "After all you can't blame the government for every mistake."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sea Sickness...

Tom had never been on a fishing boat before, and he was now thinking it was the stupidest thing he'd ever done in his life. Who would ever have believed that seasickness could be this awful? With every pitch and roll, Tom wondered how he was going to survive the remaining two hours of the trip.

One of the deckhands came up to him and said, "Don't worry, young fella. Nobody ever died of seasickness."

"You've just taken away my last hope for relief," Tom said.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Honest Lawyer

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?" asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Tommy.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The job search

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A wife was making a breakfast ...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. 
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOODNESS! 

You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOODNESS! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. 
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!" 

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?" 

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels 
like when I'm driving." 
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Good advice...

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Off to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife sitting on the front porch with her bags packed. He asked her where she was going and she replied "I'm going to Las Vegas." 

He questioned her as to why she was going and she told him "I just found out that I can make $400.00 a night doing what I give you for free". He pondered that then went into the house and packed his bags and returned to the porch and with his wife. She said "And just where do you think you're going?" 

"I'm going too!" he replied. 
"Why?" She asked. 

"I want to see how you are going to live on $800.00 a year"!

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Mistress, prostitute.

What is the difference between a mistress, a prostitute, and a wife?
The mistress says, "Are you through yet?"

The prostitute says, "Are you through already?"

The wife says, "Beige, I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."
 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Rising to the Occasion

A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided the next time he did something offensive, they would all stand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very next class meeting while discussing a tribe natives.

The professor leered and said, "You'll be interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a cock twelve inches long."

The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door.

The prof sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The next flight to there isn't until Saturday!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Super Sex!!!

A woman, completely fed up with her husband's on-line obsession, finally takes matters into her own hands.

One night, as he is sitting at the computer, she goes into the bedroom, takes off all her clothes, puts on a full length mink coat, and posts herself between her husband and the monitor.

She pulls open the coat and yells, "Time for Super Sex!!!"

He ignores her.

So, she repeatedly yells, "Super Sex", "Super Sex", "Super Sex".

Finally, he replies, "Ok, Ok, I'll take the soup".


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Growing up

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "
I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed.

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50.

And your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would.

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday.

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90's, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!" 

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Name the animals...

The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"

"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.

"That's a lion!" answered a little boy.

"Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?"

Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An obnoxious drunk stumbles in...

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."

A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs, "give me a drink", bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"

The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: That Darn Cat

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. 

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway. 
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing. 

As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there. 

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" 
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?" 

Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Refrigerator Man

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''
''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. 'Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''

''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tiresome

A laborer was given a task to paint a white line right through the middle of the road. On the very first day he managed to paint three kilometers of the road. His employer was happy with him.

The next day he could paint only three hundred meters. The boss thought the man was probably tired from the first day's hard work and let it go. The third day he painted only thirty meters. Now the boss was anxious and demanded an explanation.

The laborer said: “It's no mystery, boss. It's getting quite tiresome to walk all the way back to the paint bucket.”
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An HMO Manager Goes to Heaven. . .

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too."

But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A doctor and his wife...

A doctor and his wife are having an argument in the morning over breakfast and the doctor blurts out, "You know what? You're not that great in bed anyways!"

So he goes off to work and thinks it over and decides to call his wife and make amends.....

So he calls the house and the phone rings many, many times and then his wife finally answers the phone completely out of breath....

So the doctor says, "What were you doing?" and she says, "l was in bed!" and the doctor says, "What were you doing in bed so late in the day?"

The wife says, "getting a second opinion!"

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Crayons

The kindergarten class had settled down to its coloring books. Willie came up to the teacher's desk and said, "Miss Francis, I ain't go no crayons."

"Willie," Miss Francis said, "you mean, "I don't have any crayons.' You don't have any crayons. We don't have any crayons. They don't have any crayons. Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"Not really," Willie said, "What happened to all them crayons?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: That Darn Cat

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. 

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway. 
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing. 

As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there. 

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" 
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?

Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that damn cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Car Crash

I was recently on vacation in Main when I observed a pretty bad car crash between two police patrol cars.

The officers were standing around, looking at the damage and they both had a confused look on their faces. I figured that they were trying to figure out what to do because who were they supposed to call, the police?

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Legible

My grandpa was an English professor, and he would often help students by writing little notes on their essays.

Grandpa used to work late, and his handwriting would deteriorate as the hours passed by.

One day, a student approached him after class with an essay that had been returned. "Mr. Asher," he said, "I can't make out this comment you wrote on my paper."

Grandpa took the paper and, after studying it, sheepishly replied, "It mentions that you should write more legibly."
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man takes his place in the theatre ...

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. 
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." 

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. 

The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it." 
 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde was hard up for money...

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job. 

She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.

He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied.

Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.

The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.

"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: You got the warning

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Ms. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child.

Smiling sweetly, the Sunday school teacher said, "Johnny, when I was a child, I was told if that I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Johnny looked up and replied, "Well, Ms Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Bell

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied. "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." 

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would be asking for trouble. 

"Oh, no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "and if the damn ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today.