Jump to content
Male HQ

Questioning my sexuality


Recommended Posts

Hi everyone

 

I'm looking for some advice (serious only please) - I've been in a relationship with a girl until recently but during our relationship, we have not really been physically intimate, save for some light touching and stuff (partly also cos' she mentioned she did not want to have pre-marital sex). But at the same time, urges to have sex/physical intimacy leading up to sex was fairly minimal during our relationship - although I wonder if it's because I am generally quite a cautious / socially cautious person (for other aspects of my life as well) and didn't feel confident enough to do such things esp when the other party (my ex) wasn't really showing signs that she wanted it / the whole relationship just lacked that physical element kinda from the start so the inertia was there to go beyond what became a comfortable level of physical intimacy (other aspects of our relationship was going well). Not sure if things would have been different if she had, for example, been more proactive or signalled more actively that I should be more physical with her. And also not sure if I would have actually enjoyed sex with a girl, had it actually happened - recently been looking at images on tumblr of guys/girls being engaged in foreplay before sex and it was quite hot/arousing to me. However, generally speaking, the naked female form is not particularly appealing to me and doesn't quite arouse me all that much.

 

Since puberty (teenage years), I mostly looked at pictures of shirtless guys online to masturbate - and sometimes also very specific fetishes like bdsm, wrestling, speedos, etc. (quite often, these fetishes involve fantasising about me being in pain/humiliation-type scenarios) But i've never been attracted (IRL and even just online pics) to:

  • male genitalia (would strongly prefer the subject to be at least in their underwear)
  • anal sex
  • oral sex 
  • and even me masturbating/touching someone else's penis.

 

Even when I masturbate, I don't quite "fantasise" about sex with the men I find attractive - often I fantasise about how great it would be if I was as good-looking/attractive as them. I've also not met up with any guy for just sex in general (without the fetish part) and tbh, when it comes to mutual masturbation after the fetish-bit (for the meet-up) is over, I am much much less aroused (if at all) compared to when engaging in the fetish itself (quite often I actually lose my erection at this stage). 

 

For me, I've never really had a "crush" or desire to be in a romantic relationship with a guy (all through teenage years till now, I've only had crushes on and romantic interests for girls). I guess it would be different (and more straightforward) if this was not the case then I'd be like ok, quite clear that I am probably gay and should just accept it and live life accordingly. 

 

I have been spending time reading up online about this and it appears I might be "heteroromantic homosexual" or lie somewhere on the asexuality spectrum (since I don't actually have strong sexual attraction/desire from either gender, although there's some form of "aesthetic attraction" to the male form as opposed to the female form). Of course, some people say I might just be gay and in denial / have internalised homophobia that is tricking me into thinking that i don't want a relationship with a guy and can only be romantically interested in girls. 

 

Has anyone gone through something similar before / know of someone who has gone through something similar? Kinda confused and feeling like stuck in terms of what or how i should live my life going forward...

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Replies 133
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

Top Posters In This Topic

Popular Posts

as with some of the users here, trying to put a label can be quite difficult  for me, i identify myself closer to being an asexual than anything. have always had a low sex drive, though more phys

Hi everyone   I'm looking for some advice (serious only please) - I've been in a relationship with a girl until recently but during our relationship, we have not really been physically intim

Please ignore this post.   Homosexuality exists since the start of human mankind.   Why would the old testimony, Egyptian papers or stones, Greek and Roman literature cover homosex

Not an expert here but there is one way I find it quite useful for self identification.

When you watch porn, which one are you looking at?

guy— gay

girl— straight

both— bi

 

you’re probably still in the exploring stage... no harm taking baby steps to explore different aspect of your sexuality. There’s no quick answer to this. 
 

best if you can consult the professional. They can help you walkthrough it quicker. There are some docs around this forum, you can consult them or ask them to direct you to the right person.

Link to post
Share on other sites

from your  description, it is quite obvious, u r in the LGBtq COMMty

 

didnt start exploring doesnt mean u are not
 

a straight will somehow consider a marriage and wanting to have sex with a lady soon, which is why many sg men would not mind paying more to get a foreign bride.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, anon6789 said:

Hi everyone

 

I'm looking for some advice (serious only please) - I've been in a relationship with a girl until recently but during our relationship, we have not really been physically intimate, save for some light touching and stuff (partly also cos' she mentioned she did not want to have pre-marital sex). But at the same time, urges to have sex/physical intimacy leading up to sex was fairly minimal during our relationship - although I wonder if it's because I am generally quite a cautious / socially cautious person (for other aspects of my life as well) and didn't feel confident enough to do such things esp when the other party (my ex) wasn't really showing signs that she wanted it / the whole relationship just lacked that physical element kinda from the start so the inertia was there to go beyond what became a comfortable level of physical intimacy (other aspects of our relationship was going well). Not sure if things would have been different if she had, for example, been more proactive or signalled more actively that I should be more physical with her. And also not sure if I would have actually enjoyed sex with a girl, had it actually happened - recently been looking at images on tumblr of guys/girls being engaged in foreplay before sex and it was quite hot/arousing to me. However, generally speaking, the naked female form is not particularly appealing to me and doesn't quite arouse me all that much.

 

Since puberty (teenage years), I mostly looked at pictures of shirtless guys online to masturbate - and sometimes also very specific fetishes like bdsm, wrestling, speedos, etc. (quite often, these fetishes involve fantasising about me being in pain/humiliation-type scenarios) But i've never been attracted (IRL and even just online pics) to:

  • male genitalia (would strongly prefer the subject to be at least in their underwear)
  • anal sex
  • oral sex 
  • and even me masturbating/touching someone else's penis.

 

Even when I masturbate, I don't quite "fantasise" about sex with the men I find attractive - often I fantasise about how great it would be if I was as good-looking/attractive as them. I've also not met up with any guy for just sex in general (without the fetish part) and tbh, when it comes to mutual masturbation after the fetish-bit (for the meet-up) is over, I am much much less aroused (if at all) compared to when engaging in the fetish itself (quite often I actually lose my erection at this stage). 

 

For me, I've never really had a "crush" or desire to be in a romantic relationship with a guy (all through teenage years till now, I've only had crushes on and romantic interests for girls). I guess it would be different (and more straightforward) if this was not the case then I'd be like ok, quite clear that I am probably gay and should just accept it and live life accordingly. 

 

I have been spending time reading up online about this and it appears I might be "heteroromantic homosexual" or lie somewhere on the asexuality spectrum (since I don't actually have strong sexual attraction/desire from either gender, although there's some form of "aesthetic attraction" to the male form as opposed to the female form). Of course, some people say I might just be gay and in denial / have internalised homophobia that is tricking me into thinking that i don't want a relationship with a guy and can only be romantically interested in girls. 

 

Has anyone gone through something similar before / know of someone who has gone through something similar? Kinda confused and feeling like stuck in terms of what or how i should live my life going forward...

 

 

 

鍾意就好,理佢男定女

 

never argue with the guests. let them bark all they want.

 

结缘不结

不解缘

 

After I have said what I wanna say, I don't care what you say.

 

看穿不说穿

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, anon6789 said:

Hi everyone

 

I'm looking for some advice (serious only please) - I've been in a relationship with a girl until recently but during our relationship, we have not really been physically intimate, save for some light touching and stuff (partly also cos' she mentioned she did not want to have pre-marital sex). But at the same time, urges to have sex/physical intimacy leading up to sex was fairly minimal during our relationship - although I wonder if it's because I am generally quite a cautious / socially cautious person (for other aspects of my life as well) and didn't feel confident enough to do such things esp when the other party (my ex) wasn't really showing signs that she wanted it / the whole relationship just lacked that physical element kinda from the start so the inertia was there to go beyond what became a comfortable level of physical intimacy (other aspects of our relationship was going well). Not sure if things would have been different if she had, for example, been more proactive or signalled more actively that I should be more physical with her. And also not sure if I would have actually enjoyed sex with a girl, had it actually happened - recently been looking at images on tumblr of guys/girls being engaged in foreplay before sex and it was quite hot/arousing to me. However, generally speaking, the naked female form is not particularly appealing to me and doesn't quite arouse me all that much.

 

Since puberty (teenage years), I mostly looked at pictures of shirtless guys online to masturbate - and sometimes also very specific fetishes like bdsm, wrestling, speedos, etc. (quite often, these fetishes involve fantasising about me being in pain/humiliation-type scenarios) But i've never been attracted (IRL and even just online pics) to:

  • male genitalia (would strongly prefer the subject to be at least in their underwear)
  • anal sex
  • oral sex 
  • and even me masturbating/touching someone else's penis.

 

Even when I masturbate, I don't quite "fantasise" about sex with the men I find attractive - often I fantasise about how great it would be if I was as good-looking/attractive as them. I've also not met up with any guy for just sex in general (without the fetish part) and tbh, when it comes to mutual masturbation after the fetish-bit (for the meet-up) is over, I am much much less aroused (if at all) compared to when engaging in the fetish itself (quite often I actually lose my erection at this stage). 

 

For me, I've never really had a "crush" or desire to be in a romantic relationship with a guy (all through teenage years till now, I've only had crushes on and romantic interests for girls). I guess it would be different (and more straightforward) if this was not the case then I'd be like ok, quite clear that I am probably gay and should just accept it and live life accordingly. 

 

I have been spending time reading up online about this and it appears I might be "heteroromantic homosexual" or lie somewhere on the asexuality spectrum (since I don't actually have strong sexual attraction/desire from either gender, although there's some form of "aesthetic attraction" to the male form as opposed to the female form). Of course, some people say I might just be gay and in denial / have internalised homophobia that is tricking me into thinking that i don't want a relationship with a guy and can only be romantically interested in girls. 

 

Has anyone gone through something similar before / know of someone who has gone through something similar? Kinda confused and feeling like stuck in terms of what or how i should live my life going forward...

 

 

How old are you roughly?

** My comments are my own opinion and how I see & learn things. Any issue with that, you have a problem with your own understanding that left you feeling conflicted. Which is good as it motivates you to RETHINK them and find out if still valid, wrong or misguided. Ideals should always be tested and re-tested for it to remain truth, current and help you grow. Agree to disagree. I argue the points not about getting personal, that is, if I choose to argue at all. We can learn something new every day. Myself included. I keep life and things in balance that's how I present views in my commentaries at Blowing Wind. - Updated: June 2020

* Supporting the Strives of the Intellectual Dark Web Community.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, potato said:

Not an expert here but there is one way I find it quite useful for self identification.

When you watch porn, which one are you looking at?

guy— gay

girl— straight

both— bi

 

you’re probably still in the exploring stage... no harm taking baby steps to explore different aspect of your sexuality. There’s no quick answer to this. 
 

best if you can consult the professional. They can help you walkthrough it quicker. There are some docs around this forum, you can consult them or ask them to direct you to the right person.

hey there, thanks for ur reply!

 

i tried speaking with a counsellor recently but they said that as a counsellor, they cannot tell me or suggest to me what my orientation is, etc. in fact, he told me to just take my time and question/explore, and also not to be too fixated with labels because sexuality is quite a complex issue so might not be the case that i can just fit myself into a particular box or label. just wondering, what do you mean / what are you referring to when you say "consult the professional"?  

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
8 minutes ago, anon6789 said:

hey there, thanks for ur reply!

 

i tried speaking with a counsellor recently but they said that as a counsellor, they cannot tell me or suggest to me what my orientation is, etc. in fact, he told me to just take my time and question/explore, and also not to be too fixated with labels because sexuality is quite a complex issue so might not be the case that i can just fit myself into a particular box or label. just wondering, what do you mean / what are you referring to when you say "consult the professional"?  

 

 

Exactly what you just did. You did the right thing. I mean you could also visit a psychiatrist. As they mentioned, explore different aspects of your sexuality and don't give yourself a label. Your body and mind know what to do subconsciously. If you have no urge of having sex with a woman, I can only suggest you can explore having sex with man. Don't have to be anal but there must be something about a man or a woman turn you on sexually. Start with it and explore slowly. Don't get married when you're not sure about it.  From what you mentioned earlier, your girlfriend sounds very religious. It is quite disastrous for a woman to then realised her husband is gay and you just destroyed her life.

Edited by potato
Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, anon6789 said:

hey there, thanks for ur reply!

 

i tried speaking with a counsellor recently but they said that as a counsellor, they cannot tell me or suggest to me what my orientation is, etc. in fact, he told me to just take my time and question/explore, and also not to be too fixated with labels because sexuality is quite a complex issue so might not be the case that i can just fit myself into a particular box or label. just wondering, what do you mean / what are you referring to when you say "consult the professional"?  

 

Very sound advice by the counselor. It might sound like a no-answer or a cop-out. But sometimes, we need to reach a certain stage of being to make that decision.

 

You do NOT need a LABEL and take your time to question your sexuality. And also note...MOST of the time your sexuality is not what define you outside the bedroom. Who you are as a person and how you move through life should be more what you spend time to unravel. Manner of sex you settle on will come to its own. Unless for some reason, we are not aware, is pressing on you to address in the here and now.

Edited by upshot

** My comments are my own opinion and how I see & learn things. Any issue with that, you have a problem with your own understanding that left you feeling conflicted. Which is good as it motivates you to RETHINK them and find out if still valid, wrong or misguided. Ideals should always be tested and re-tested for it to remain truth, current and help you grow. Agree to disagree. I argue the points not about getting personal, that is, if I choose to argue at all. We can learn something new every day. Myself included. I keep life and things in balance that's how I present views in my commentaries at Blowing Wind. - Updated: June 2020

* Supporting the Strives of the Intellectual Dark Web Community.

Link to post
Share on other sites

Good that you're thinking and trying to get help. I see you have created an account. But I hope you can be careful; don't let yourself be manipulated/  taken advantage of by predators. A lot of shady characters in online communities. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, potato said:

Exactly what you just did. You did the right thing. I mean you could also visit a psychiatrist. As they mentioned, explore different aspects of your sexuality and don't give yourself a label. Your body and mind know what to do subconsciously. If you have no urge of having sex with a woman, I can only suggest you can explore having sex with man. Don't have to be anal but there must be something about a man or a woman turn you on sexually. Start with it and explore slowly. Don't get married when you're not sure about it.  From what you mentioned earlier, your girlfriend sounds very religious. It is quite disastrous for a woman to then realised her husband is gay and you just destroyed her life.

 

nah she's not religious. and we've actually already broken up due to this issue so no risk of getting married anytime soon lol. but yeah need to think very hard about further / future steps and whether it is still right to pursue a relationship with a girl even though the sexual attraction is missing or not that high... 

 

1 hour ago, upshot said:

Very sound advice by the counselor. It might sound like a no-answer or a cop-out. But sometimes, we need to reach a certain stage of being to make that decision.

 

You do NOT need a LABEL nor should not question in your own time your sexuality. And also note...MOST of the time your sexuality is not what define you outside the bedroom. Who you are as a person and how you move through life should be more what you spend time to unravel. Sex will come to its own time when it does unless for some reason we are not aware are pressing on you to address in the here and now.

 

mmm yeah i'm just not sure how to figure out the sex/sexuality part because i don't know if my impression of what i like / don't like is coloured by internalised homophobia / what society accepts as the mainstream or whether it is truly what i desire / am attracted to.

 

12 minutes ago, Guest Hmm said:

Good that you're thinking and trying to get help. I see you have created an account. But I hope you can be careful; don't let yourself be manipulated/  taken advantage of by predators. A lot of shady characters in online communities. 

 

hmmm yeah thanks for the reminder. what do you mean manipulated/taken advantage of?

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Guest

The way I look at it: Sex is just sex, regardless if you have it with a male or a female.

 

If you look at the Maslow's hierarchy of needs, sex is one of the most basic needs that all human beings requires to survive, just like the food that we eat and the water that we drink. And just like the water that we drink and the food that we eat, we are conditioned by the environment as to what we are supposed to eat and drink, as well as what we are NOT supposed to eat and drink. 

 

For instance, kids are not supposed to drink alcohol and Muslims are not supposed to eat pork. But when you remove all the restrictions, food and drink is nothing more than just that - food and drink. In dire times, even the Muslims will eat pork and monks will eat meat. In those cases, will a Muslim eating pork make him a bad Muslim? Will a monk eating meat forbid him from achieving enlightenment? 

 

In short, sex is just sex. Does having sex with a male make you gay? Does having sex with a female make you straight? Having sex with someone is just a fulfillment of a basic human need, that's all. In fact, having sex with someone may not even mean that you are going to love him/her. Of course, it will mean so much more if you have sex with someone whom you really love. It's not the sex that makes you gay or straight. It may not even be who you love which will make you gay or straight. At the end of your life, all that matters is who you really want to spend the rest of your life with, regardless if you are gay or straight, isn't it? I think that's what your Councillor meant when he mentioned about the use of labels. 

 

It is just that being straight is a much more convenient way to fulfill all of your basic needs, from the sex to the food to the water to the work and to money, as compared to being gay, especially in Singapore. 

Link to post
Share on other sites

Sorry if I go back to labeling, but I think your case falls into the category of asexuality. You can ask yourself below two questions.

 

The first question is about sexual attraction. It is obvious that you are not attracted to male sex organ but do you really feel attracted by female vagina/women boobs?

 

The second question is related to sexual impulse. If watching guy/girl foreplay can arouse you, do you imagine you are the male actor having the strong desire to fuck the girl?

 

Since you have romantic crush on girls but never on guys, you may be heteroromatic-asexual. You can refer to more info about asexuality from this website https://www.asexuality.org/?q=overview.html 

Edited by will7z
.
Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Try and see
5 hours ago, anon6789 said:

Hi everyone

 

I'm looking for some advice (serious only please) . . .

 

Sexuality is something very hard to define.

There are guys who like girls all the way until NS, and then they start to become attracted to their platoon sergeant and then they start noticing cute and hunky guys and stop liking girls.

 

And then there are guys who get married, have kids, fool around with women, and after they hit 40, find that women suddenly don't excite them anymore. Instead, they start to find guys sexually attractive  . . .

 

For you, I think the most telling sign is that you jerk off looking at/thinking about guys. 😛

 

Not all gay guys are into oral/anal sex. Some gay guys like myself just enjoy the company of guys and the feeling of being safe and comfortable with a close guy friend. 

I much prefer sitting with a guy on a sofa, cuddling and eating ice-cream and watching TV, rather than hours of sodomy on the bed.

 

 

51 minutes ago, Guest Hmm said:

Good that you're thinking and trying to get help. I see you have created an account. But I hope you can be careful; don't let yourself be manipulated/  taken advantage of by predators. A lot of shady characters in online communities. 

 

To answer your question about this post, the guy is saying that you may meet someone online who tells you that he can help you "explore your sexuality", and then he ends up molesting or raping you. Other gay guys might use you for emotional gratification, like texting you only when their boyfriend is busy/out of town, etc.

Or they may be texting you and five other guys at the same time, but they give you the impression that you are "the one" for them.

Such things happen, so be careful since you sound like someone new to the online gay community. 

 

Take care!

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, anon6789 said:

Hi everyone

 

I'm looking for some advice (serious only please) - I've been in a relationship with a girl until recently but during our relationship, we have not really been physically intimate, save for some light touching and stuff (partly also cos' she mentioned she did not want to have pre-marital sex). But at the same time, urges to have sex/physical intimacy leading up to sex was fairly minimal during our relationship - although I wonder if it's because I am generally quite a cautious / socially cautious person (for other aspects of my life as well) and didn't feel confident enough to do such things esp when the other party (my ex) wasn't really showing signs that she wanted it / the whole relationship just lacked that physical element kinda from the start so the inertia was there to go beyond what became a comfortable level of physical intimacy (other aspects of our relationship was going well). Not sure if things would have been different if she had, for example, been more proactive or signalled more actively that I should be more physical with her. And also not sure if I would have actually enjoyed sex with a girl, had it actually happened - recently been looking at images on tumblr of guys/girls being engaged in foreplay before sex and it was quite hot/arousing to me. However, generally speaking, the naked female form is not particularly appealing to me and doesn't quite arouse me all that much.

 

Since puberty (teenage years), I mostly looked at pictures of shirtless guys online to masturbate - and sometimes also very specific fetishes like bdsm, wrestling, speedos, etc. (quite often, these fetishes involve fantasising about me being in pain/humiliation-type scenarios) But i've never been attracted (IRL and even just online pics) to:

  • male genitalia (would strongly prefer the subject to be at least in their underwear)
  • anal sex
  • oral sex 
  • and even me masturbating/touching someone else's penis.

 

Even when I masturbate, I don't quite "fantasise" about sex with the men I find attractive - often I fantasise about how great it would be if I was as good-looking/attractive as them. I've also not met up with any guy for just sex in general (without the fetish part) and tbh, when it comes to mutual masturbation after the fetish-bit (for the meet-up) is over, I am much much less aroused (if at all) compared to when engaging in the fetish itself (quite often I actually lose my erection at this stage). 

 

For me, I've never really had a "crush" or desire to be in a romantic relationship with a guy (all through teenage years till now, I've only had crushes on and romantic interests for girls). I guess it would be different (and more straightforward) if this was not the case then I'd be like ok, quite clear that I am probably gay and should just accept it and live life accordingly. 

 

I have been spending time reading up online about this and it appears I might be "heteroromantic homosexual" or lie somewhere on the asexuality spectrum (since I don't actually have strong sexual attraction/desire from either gender, although there's some form of "aesthetic attraction" to the male form as opposed to the female form). Of course, some people say I might just be gay and in denial / have internalised homophobia that is tricking me into thinking that i don't want a relationship with a guy and can only be romantically interested in girls. 

 

Has anyone gone through something similar before / know of someone who has gone through something similar? Kinda confused and feeling like stuck in terms of what or how i should live my life going forward...

 

 

 

To be honest, you sound quite heterosexual to me.

 

But you need to ask yourself. Do you get hard by looking at erected dicks or any gay porn. If the response is no, then probably you're not gay.

 

I personally assume, you are insecure about your sexual orientation due to your lack of sexual experience with girls.

Actually, am a bit shocked to read you are 29 years and never had a sexual intercourse with a girl. 

 

My personal advice is: Please do as soon as possible.

Don't be shy.

I know it sounds a bit awkward but in your situation I would even recommend to you to visit a prostitute and just get it done. The reason is: Every girl who will meet you will run away, once she notices you are a greenhorn as to sex. Unless, you want one of those virgins with 35y. But honestly, there aren't many around any longer.

Prostitutes have seen a lot of guys like you and they know how to guide you.

I m just scared a girl in your age or slightly younger will be as shocked as I am, noticing your virginity.

 

Please start to get over your shyness and interact sexually with girls. Get some experience on the act.

 

If you enjoy it with a girl. Don't bother whether you are gay. And just move on in your heterosexual life. Get married and have kids.

 

Sorry. I know I m always a bit blunt, but often the hard punch into the face is better than a soft "begging": "Please please do".

 

And one other thing: Girls like your girlfriend often tend not to speak clear talk. Most girls if you ask them whether they want to explore sex, they will reply "No", but actually they mean yes. But don't force yourself on a girl. ok. Manners.

 

Sex is something natural, no need to make a big fuss about it.

And stop watching porn, do the real thing and get out of your heterosexual closet please.

 

Okie?

 

Edited by singalion
...
Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Guest
2 minutes ago, singalion said:

Actually, am a bit shocked to read you are 29 years and never had a sexual intercourse with a girl. 

 

My personal advice is: Please do as soon as possible.

 

I STOPPED READING AT THIS POINT. Is it just me, or is there anybody else here who finds this angmoh really slap-worthy? 

 

To TS, please be cautious of the advise given by people here on this forum. Some of the people here are known as foreign trash for good reasons, as you can see for yourself.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, anon6789 said:

 

nah she's not religious. and we've actually already broken up due to this issue so no risk of getting married anytime soon lol. 

 

mmm yeah i'm just not sure how to figure out the sex/sexuality part because i don't know if my impression of what i like / don't like is coloured by internalised homophobia / what society accepts as the mainstream or whether it is truly what i desire / am attracted to.

 

 

So she is not religious, and you have broken up over this.  This means that YOU are religious. 

 

"Colored by internalized homophobia"...  This is probably a consequence of your religiousness.

 

Your religiousness may be a more serious issue in your life.  You need to address this and dedicate some serious thought to the probability that the religious teachings you received have any reality.  Maybe some experience has to come to realize that ALL religions are result of  speculations that have been taken at face value without not even a logical explanation.  Yes,  LOGICAL.  Nature has provided us with the power to reason, and we should not let organized religions put down this our natural attribute. 

 

Perhaps if you lose the influence of religion in your sexuality, you can live with more internal peace and realize that whatever your orientation is, it is natural and acceptable, and in this way you take off that pressure of being what you SHOULD be.  There should not be so many SHOULDs. :thumb:

Link to post
Share on other sites
6 hours ago, anon6789 said:

Hi everyone

 

I'm looking for some advice (serious only please) - I've been in a relationship with a girl until recently but during our relationship, we have not really been physically intimate, save for some light touching and stuff (partly also cos' she mentioned she did not want to have pre-marital sex). But at the same time, urges to have sex/physical intimacy leading up to sex was fairly minimal during our relationship - although I wonder if it's because I am generally quite a cautious / socially cautious person (for other aspects of my life as well) and didn't feel confident enough to do such things esp when the other party (my ex) wasn't really showing signs that she wanted it / the whole relationship just lacked that physical element kinda from the start so the inertia was there to go beyond what became a comfortable level of physical intimacy (other aspects of our relationship was going well). Not sure if things would have been different if she had, for example, been more proactive or signalled more actively that I should be more physical with her. And also not sure if I would have actually enjoyed sex with a girl, had it actually happened - recently been looking at images on tumblr of guys/girls being engaged in foreplay before sex and it was quite hot/arousing to me. However, generally speaking, the naked female form is not particularly appealing to me and doesn't quite arouse me all that much.

 

Since puberty (teenage years), I mostly looked at pictures of shirtless guys online to masturbate - and sometimes also very specific fetishes like bdsm, wrestling, speedos, etc. (quite often, these fetishes involve fantasising about me being in pain/humiliation-type scenarios) But i've never been attracted (IRL and even just online pics) to:

  • male genitalia (would strongly prefer the subject to be at least in their underwear)
  • anal sex
  • oral sex 
  • and even me masturbating/touching someone else's penis.

 

Even when I masturbate, I don't quite "fantasise" about sex with the men I find attractive - often I fantasise about how great it would be if I was as good-looking/attractive as them. I've also not met up with any guy for just sex in general (without the fetish part) and tbh, when it comes to mutual masturbation after the fetish-bit (for the meet-up) is over, I am much much less aroused (if at all) compared to when engaging in the fetish itself (quite often I actually lose my erection at this stage). 

 

For me, I've never really had a "crush" or desire to be in a romantic relationship with a guy (all through teenage years till now, I've only had crushes on and romantic interests for girls). I guess it would be different (and more straightforward) if this was not the case then I'd be like ok, quite clear that I am probably gay and should just accept it and live life accordingly. 

 

I have been spending time reading up online about this and it appears I might be "heteroromantic homosexual" or lie somewhere on the asexuality spectrum (since I don't actually have strong sexual attraction/desire from either gender, although there's some form of "aesthetic attraction" to the male form as opposed to the female form). Of course, some people say I might just be gay and in denial / have internalised homophobia that is tricking me into thinking that i don't want a relationship with a guy and can only be romantically interested in girls. 

 

Has anyone gone through something similar before / know of someone who has gone through something similar? Kinda confused and feeling like stuck in terms of what or how i should live my life going forward...

 

 

For me, the trouble came when I subscribed to the notion of 'I Should'.

May I suggest you SHOULD live this life, with ups and downs, highs and lows, confusion and sense of lost?  Draw your own bottom line and tell yourself 'Sex is part of life, not all of life'?  Start from examining what turn you on and off.  So big a world, so many people, knowing oneself may well be anybody's greatest accomplishment.

Reminded of two Salzburg ladies learning Romanian specifically for the journey, only to return learning more of themselves.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Guest Guest said:

The way I look at it: Sex is just sex, regardless if you have it with a male or a female.

 

If you look at the Maslow's hierarchy of needs, sex is one of the most basic needs that all human beings requires to survive, just like the food that we eat and the water that we drink. And just like the water that we drink and the food that we eat, we are conditioned by the environment as to what we are supposed to eat and drink, as well as what we are NOT supposed to eat and drink. 

 

For instance, kids are not supposed to drink alcohol and Muslims are not supposed to eat pork. But when you remove all the restrictions, food and drink is nothing more than just that - food and drink. In dire times, even the Muslims will eat pork and monks will eat meat. In those cases, will a Muslim eating pork make him a bad Muslim? Will a monk eating meat forbid him from achieving enlightenment? 

 

In short, sex is just sex. Does having sex with a male make you gay? Does having sex with a female make you straight? Having sex with someone is just a fulfillment of a basic human need, that's all. In fact, having sex with someone may not even mean that you are going to love him/her. Of course, it will mean so much more if you have sex with someone whom you really love. It's not the sex that makes you gay or straight. It may not even be who you love which will make you gay or straight. At the end of your life, all that matters is who you really want to spend the rest of your life with, regardless if you are gay or straight, isn't it? I think that's what your Councillor meant when he mentioned about the use of labels. 

 

It is just that being straight is a much more convenient way to fulfill all of your basic needs, from the sex to the food to the water to the work and to money, as compared to being gay, especially in Singapore. 

 

haha eh sorry, i don't quite understand the main message that you are trying to convey. i agree that the actual sexual orientation/label is not defined based on whether we act on those urges/inclinations or not - and also just because we do not act on those inclination/urges doesn't mean we are not X or Y. i get that...

 

so if looking at the part of ur msg that i have bolded above, if i feel like i really want to spend the rest of my life with a girl (and live a str8-acting life), then that is the life i should strive for? notwithstanding the sexual orientation/attraction?

 

1 hour ago, will7z said:

Sorry if I go back to labeling, but I think your case falls into the category of asexuality. You can ask yourself below two questions.

 

The first question is about sexual attraction. It is obvious that you are not attracted to male sex organ but do you really feel attracted by female vagina/women boobs?

 

The second question is related to sexual impulse. If watching guy/girl foreplay can arouse you, do you imagine you are the male actor having the strong desire to fuck the girl?

 

Since you have romantic crush on girls but never on guys, you may be heteroromatic-asexual. You can refer to more info about asexuality from this website https://www.asexuality.org/?q=overview.html 

 

hihi. yeah i've been considering asexuality quite a bit recently but idk if it fits me because if i do find/come across a super good looking/hot guy (and in the correct context), i think i would have some sexual attraction towards such a person. admittedly, the person would have to be really pretty damn attractive before i feel this like "animalistic" sexual urge/attraction. most of the time,  when i look at porn/stuff online, the attraction is more aesthetic/admiration rather than "i need to fuck this person" or "i want to suck this person's dick" etc. 

 

i am not attracted to female vagina/boobs unfortunately. to me, probably a bit worse than dicks lol. in terms of fucking a girl, i do think in the correct situation/context, i may be turned on/aroused by it, but i think the arousal would come less so from the girl but more from me imagining myself/picturing myself being in that macho/manly type of scenario. of course, if the girl is so passive/does nothing, then maybe abit hard to get arousal. but feeling her physical touch on me may help generate that arousal etc. and its strange also, cos even when i have met up with guys to do fetish related stuff, sometimes i must see myself in the mirror (and what the other person is doing to me) to really really get aroused. not sure why... 

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, singalion said:

 

To be honest, you sound quite heterosexual to me.

 

But you need to ask yourself. Do you get hard by looking at erected dicks or any gay porn. If the response is no, then probably you're not gay.

 

I personally assume, you are insecure about your sexual orientation due to your lack of sexual experience with girls.

Actually, am a bit shocked to read you are 29 years and never had a sexual intercourse with a girl. 

 

My personal advice is: Please do as soon as possible.

Don't be shy.

I know it sounds a bit awkward but in your situation I would even recommend to you to visit a prostitute and just get it done. The reason is: Every girl who will meet you will run away, once she notices you are a greenhorn as to sex. Unless, you want one of those virgins with 35y. But honestly, there aren't many around any longer.

Prostitutes have seen a lot of guys like you and they know how to guide you.

I m just scared a girl in your age or slightly younger will be as shocked as I am, noticing your virginity.

 

Please start to get over your shyness and interact sexually with girls. Get some experience on the act.

 

If you enjoy it with a girl. Don't bother whether you are gay. And just move on in your heterosexual life. Get married and have kids.

 

Sorry. I know I m always a bit blunt, but often the hard punch into the face is better than a soft "begging": "Please please do".

 

And one other thing: Girls like your girlfriend often tend not to speak clear talk. Most girls if you ask them whether they want to explore sex, they will reply "No", but actually they mean yes. But don't force yourself on a girl. ok. Manners.

 

Sex is something natural, no need to make a big fuss about it.

And stop watching porn, do the real thing and get out of your heterosexual closet please.

 

Okie?

 

 

errm, i do not generally get hard from looking at pics or videos of guy's dicks/erected dicks. but i can and often do get hard at gay porn especially if i find the guys attractive. but often, i am more 'attracted' to things that the guys do before they get completely naked and start fucking each other etc. e.g., kissing, foreplay, touching etc.  in a way, i can also get hard when it involves a guy and a girl. but then it's less arousing to me when they get naked i guess... (same for if it's both guys)

 

and err, i did toy with the idea of trying with a prostitute but ... with covid and all, i think most of the brothels are not operating. and erm, tbh, im not sure if i would be able to enjoy sex with a prostitute because i'd probably be worrying about STDs and stuff lol. but it did cross my mind... to maybe find a casual one night stand/no strings attached kinda hook-up with a girl.. but i havent gotten around (or know how to get around) finding such girls/going for such an encounter...

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Guest Guest said:

 

I STOPPED READING AT THIS POINT. Is it just me, or is there anybody else here who finds this angmoh really slap-worthy? 

 

To TS, please be cautious of the advise given by people here on this forum. Some of the people here are known as foreign trash for good reasons, as you can see for yourself.

 

hmm ok. i think the shock/outrage at not having had sex with a girl at 28 was a bit surprising (maybe just culturally different) 

but yeah, i will take all comments with a pinch of salt no worries. thanks for the concern haha

 

 

1 hour ago, Steve5380 said:

 

So she is not religious, and you have broken up over this.  This means that YOU are religious. 

 

"Colored by internalized homophobia"...  This is probably a consequence of your religiousness.

 

Your religiousness may be a more serious issue in your life.  You need to address this and dedicate some serious thought to the probability that the religious teachings you received have any reality.  Maybe some experience has to come to realize that ALL religions are result of  speculations that have been taken at face value without not even a logical explanation.  Yes,  LOGICAL.  Nature has provided us with the power to reason, and we should not let organized religions put down this our natural attribute. 

 

Perhaps if you lose the influence of religion in your sexuality, you can live with more internal peace and realize that whatever your orientation is, it is natural and acceptable, and in this way you take off that pressure of being what you SHOULD be.  There should not be so many SHOULDs. :thumb:

 

huh what? lol we are both not religious - and we did not break up over religion or because of her wanting pre-marital sex etc. i think u misunderstood the original post....and the replies 

 

1 hour ago, wilfgene said:

For me, the trouble came when I subscribed to the notion of 'I Should'.

May I suggest you SHOULD live this life, with ups and downs, highs and lows, confusion and sense of lost?  Draw your own bottom line and tell yourself 'Sex is part of life, not all of life'?  Start from examining what turn you on and off.  So big a world, so many people, knowing oneself may well be anybody's greatest accomplishment.

Reminded of two Salzburg ladies learning Romanian specifically for the journey, only to return learning more of themselves.

 

 

errr sorry i dun really understand what you're saying... 

 

1 hour ago, Kimochi said:

 

hmm yes i am aware of the kinsey scale. but not sure how does that help explain my situation, if at all? 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Guest
9 minutes ago, anon6789 said:

so if looking at the part of ur msg that i have bolded above, if i feel like i really want to spend the rest of my life with a girl (and live a str8-acting life), then that is the life i should strive for? notwithstanding the sexual orientation/attraction?

 

I think that is what he meant. But your choice of word "strive" seems a bit strong. if you love someone, do you really need to "strive" for it? It should come pretty naturally, right? 

 

But what will come next will be the need for monogamy after marriage. So when that happens, it really doesn't matter your sexual orientation/inclination anymore, because sex is supposed to be an affair between only two people after that, unless both agree otherwise. But that's a separate matter all together, after two people gets together. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
11 minutes ago, Guest Guest said:

 

I think that is what he meant. But your choice of word "strive" seems a bit strong. if you love someone, do you really need to "strive" for it? It should come pretty naturally, right? 

 

But what will come next will be the need for monogamy after marriage. So when that happens, it really doesn't matter your sexual orientation/inclination anymore, because sex is supposed to be an affair between only two people after that, unless both agree otherwise. But that's a separate matter all together, after two people gets together. 

yeah oops, maybe not the best word choice...  rather, that is the life that i should live towards.

 

and yeah, technically once in a committed r/s, being faithful to my partner should be critical... just that after marriage it's even more "sacred"... i guess then the question would be whether i can feel fulfilled for the rest of my life not acting on perhaps the natural same-sex urges and also whether i will be shortchanging my future partner (wife) in terms of the sex and stuff like that (i.e., because i am not 100% straight and dun have that natural sexual appetite/desire for her etc.)

 

right now i dun even know whether i can perform sexually with a girl... because even with guys, quite apart from the fetishes and stuff where i am incredibly aroused and have no problem getting an erection, i tend to lose my erection during the actual "sex" part of the encounter (but i guess this is a separate problem i need to resolve...)

Link to post
Share on other sites
17 minutes ago, anon6789 said:

 

hmm ok. i think the shock/outrage at not having had sex with a girl at 28 was a bit surprising (maybe just culturally different) 

but yeah, i will take all comments with a pinch of salt no worries. thanks for the concern haha

 

 

 

huh what? lol we are both not religious - and we did not break up over religion or because of her wanting pre-marital sex etc. i think u misunderstood the original post....and the replies 

 

 

errr sorry i dun really understand what you

 

And you wouldn't admit you're a late bloomer as it concerns sex and sexual experience?

 

My point is, get sexual experience and don't delay any further.

 

--------------

Please note the guy who commented directly after my earlier post is a well known racist troll on BW and haressing me after plenty of my posts and only attention seeking. Better don't take him serious and take sufficient caution in Guest posts at BW. Even Moderators labelled him as mentally unsound. 

 

Take a check at the Flaming room and you will find plenty of evidence on him!

 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
5 minutes ago, singalion said:

 

And you wouldn't admit you're a late bloomer as it concerns sex and sexual experience?

 

My point is, get sexual experience and don't delay any further.

 

--------------

Please note the guy who commented directly after my earlier post is a well known racist troll on BW and haressing me after plenty of my posts and only attention seeking. Better don't take him serious and take sufficient caution in Guest posts at BW. Even Moderators labelled him as mentally unsound. 

 

Take a check at the Flaming room and you will find plenty of evidence on him!

 

 

 

yeah i admit im a pretty late bloomer when it comes to sex/sexual experience with women... but with guys, i guess i started experimenting (although not that frequently either and mostly fetish-related) since i was 16? 

 

oh and noted on the troll thing. will keep in mind.

 

do u have any thoughts/comments on my reply to ur original message? see below:

 

41 minutes ago, anon6789 said:

 

errm, i do not generally get hard from looking at pics or videos of guy's dicks/erected dicks. but i can and often do get hard at gay porn especially if i find the guys attractive. but often, i am more 'attracted' to things that the guys do before they get completely naked and start fucking each other etc. e.g., kissing, foreplay, touching etc.  in a way, i can also get hard when it involves a guy and a girl. but then it's less arousing to me when they get naked i guess... (same for if it's both guys)

 

and err, i did toy with the idea of trying with a prostitute but ... with covid and all, i think most of the brothels are not operating. and erm, tbh, im not sure if i would be able to enjoy sex with a prostitute because i'd probably be worrying about STDs and stuff lol. but it did cross my mind... to maybe find a casual one night stand/no strings attached kinda hook-up with a girl.. but i havent gotten around (or know how to get around) finding such girls/going for such an encounter...

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
50 minutes ago, anon6789 said:

hihi. yeah i've been considering asexuality quite a bit recently but idk if it fits me because if i do find/come across a super good looking/hot guy (and in the correct context), i think i would have some sexual attraction towards such a person. admittedly, the person would have to be really pretty damn attractive before i feel this like "animalistic" sexual urge/attraction. most of the time,  when i look at porn/stuff online, the attraction is more aesthetic/admiration rather than "i need to fuck this person" or "i want to suck this person's dick" etc. 

 

i am not attracted to female vagina/boobs unfortunately. to me, probably a bit worse than dicks lol. in terms of fucking a girl, i do think in the correct situation/context, i may be turned on/aroused by it, but i think the arousal would come less so from the girl but more from me imagining myself/picturing myself being in that macho/manly type of scenario. of course, if the girl is so passive/does nothing, then maybe abit hard to get arousal. but feeling her physical touch on me may help generate that arousal etc. and its strange also, cos even when i have met up with guys to do fetish related stuff, sometimes i must see myself in the mirror (and what the other person is doing to me) to really really get aroused. not sure why... 

 

Again these sound asexual to me. According to the website https://www.asexuality.org/?q=overview.html, asexuality doesn't mean no sexual attraction, many asexual people still have aesthetic sexual attraction, however, it may not lead to the act on the attraction and further develop into sexual impulse. In your description, the aesthetic level must be so high which means at least you are not easily aroused like non-asexual people.

 

In addition, asexual people can arouse due to body hormone hence they would still masturbate but they may not necessarily need/enjoy a partner to have sex together, which in your case you derive more sexual arousal from the imagination of your own macho/manly fantasy.  

 

In terms of romantic relationship, you can still have crush on girls. So maybe you can consider to find asexual women for the long term so you two don't need to commit each other on the sexual part but can develop emotion connection. Since female vagina/boobs are even less acceptable to you than dicks, you may really need to re-consider or ensure the sex part works well mutually if you have a straight women as girlfriend/wife. 

Edited by will7z
.
Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Guest
12 minutes ago, anon6789 said:

oh and noted on the troll thing. will keep in mind.

 

The real true troll is singalion himself. I dun think it was just one person who had been calling out all his lies that he had made on this forum. As the saying goes, beware of Greeks bearing gifts, which basically means to be careful of people who are hiding their ill intentions with fake gifts or words. Take for instance, nobody in their right mind would go around telling you to have sex with a girl as soon as possible. It's not the guest "trolls" whom you should be worried about. It seems they are much more honest and truer to their hearts than fake members who are never who they claim to be. Be careful of anything that singalion says on this forum. 

 

As for your sexuality exploration, I think what you are having is just anxiety issues. It happens to the best of everyone at the beginning, when you are more worried about "performing" than "enjoying". Just enjoy the fun. Really, no pressure. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
4 hours ago, anon6789 said:

mmm yeah i'm just not sure how to figure out the sex/sexuality part because i don't know if my impression of what i like / don't like is coloured by internalised homophobia / what society accepts as the mainstream or whether it is truly what i desire / am attracted to.

 

Sorry wish I could write more but a bit busy offline but I can see some guys here are giving you some good perspective as to the way to go forward. And I am a strong advocate and have written on something similar to another person here who had the same issue in his life. If I have time I might go into it again here as I can see you too are stranger to long hand text heheh... Well if you want to help yourself up have to do the homework. But is also comes from being open and not look at a few symptoms and then you pass judgement on your predicament. Sex, short of doing some devious to harm others and yourself, you can just about throw all the old labels and clichés out in 2020, so many made irrelevant even stuff we know 10 yrs back. So much so it is almost like saying what is your favorite food or fruit. So for now, enjoy the perspective you can get read here and see what it takes you. No rush. You are still young and have a long way more to go.

 

I have seen people who have changed their sexual preferences a few times during phases of their life. And then, we have the boring prudes who are purist practitioner of vanilla sex, all the way to their grave or whorehouse. From your first writing, I feel you already coming across as a lightweight bisexual then gay for sure. The thing is, as bisexual goes, even this, there is a spectrum. Things you mentioned I can easily relate and you are not alone.

 

 

** My comments are my own opinion and how I see & learn things. Any issue with that, you have a problem with your own understanding that left you feeling conflicted. Which is good as it motivates you to RETHINK them and find out if still valid, wrong or misguided. Ideals should always be tested and re-tested for it to remain truth, current and help you grow. Agree to disagree. I argue the points not about getting personal, that is, if I choose to argue at all. We can learn something new every day. Myself included. I keep life and things in balance that's how I present views in my commentaries at Blowing Wind. - Updated: June 2020

* Supporting the Strives of the Intellectual Dark Web Community.

Link to post
Share on other sites
1 hour ago, Guest Guest said:

 

Take for instance, nobody in their right mind would go around telling you to have sex with a girl as soon as possible. It's not the guest "trolls" whom you should be worried about. It seems they are much more honest and truer to their hearts than fake members who are never who they claim to be. Be careful of anything that singalion says on this forum. 

 

As for your sexuality exploration, I think what you are having is just anxiety issues. It happens to the best of everyone at the beginning, when you are more worried about "performing" than "enjoying". Just enjoy the fun. Really, no pressure. 

 

Since you are mentally handicapped, what for you is "nobody in their right mind would do"  is in reality good advice.

 

For the TS, you are insecure about your likeness for something?  As Singalion recommended, go and try it out.  In this case, risks are minimum.  Maybe only some chance of contracting STDs.  Remember also that having much stress, the result may not be definitive.  What you don't like now you may like later in life.  But at least you can retrospectively analize what you felt, and draw more conclusions than if you just speculate.

Link to post
Share on other sites
11 hours ago, will7z said:

 

Again these sound asexual to me. According to the website https://www.asexuality.org/?q=overview.html, asexuality doesn't mean no sexual attraction, many asexual people still have aesthetic sexual attraction, however, it may not lead to the act on the attraction and further develop into sexual impulse. In your description, the aesthetic level must be so high which means at least you are not easily aroused like non-asexual people.

 

In addition, asexual people can arouse due to body hormone hence they would still masturbate but they may not necessarily need/enjoy a partner to have sex together, which in your case you derive more sexual arousal from the imagination of your own macho/manly fantasy.  

 

In terms of romantic relationship, you can still have crush on girls. So maybe you can consider to find asexual women for the long term so you two don't need to commit each other on the sexual part but can develop emotion connection. Since female vagina/boobs are even less acceptable to you than dicks, you may really need to re-consider or ensure the sex part works well mutually if you have a straight women as girlfriend/wife. 

 

While reading your story, asexual also comes to my mind.

Or there could be different things trigger your mind/urge : sapiosexual , etc

or maybe you like to be dominated (by girl/guy, whichever) ... fetish

 

The world is vast ... no longer need to be bound by sexual orientation labels.

I think you need to look more into yourself , what you find attractive from others.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Jon K

Romantic orientation: females (You want to pursue romantic relationship with girls)

Sexual orientation: predominantly males (You see certain guys in a sexual manner and want to act on it)

 

If your sexual needs are less important, you can probably be in a full relationship with a girl and achieve sexual gratifications from imagination/videos.

You may be able to find a girl that is asexual, who gives you permission to explore your sexuality with others outside of the relationship.

Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, anon6789 said:

 

yeah i admit im a pretty late bloomer when it comes to sex/sexual experience with women... but with guys, i guess i started experimenting (although not that frequently either and mostly fetish-related) since i was 16? 

 

oh and noted on the troll thing. will keep in mind.

 

do u have any thoughts/comments on my reply to ur original message? see below:

 

13 hours ago, anon6789 said:

 

errm, i do not generally get hard from looking at pics or videos of guy's dicks/erected dicks. but i can and often do get hard at gay porn especially if i find the guys attractive. but often, i am more 'attracted' to things that the guys do before they get completely naked and start fucking each other etc. e.g., kissing, foreplay, touching etc.  in a way, i can also get hard when it involves a guy and a girl. but then it's less arousing to me when they get naked i guess... (same for if it's both guys)

 

and err, i did toy with the idea of trying with a prostitute but ... with covid and all, i think most of the brothels are not operating. and erm, tbh, im not sure if i would be able to enjoy sex with a prostitute because i'd probably be worrying about STDs and stuff lol. but it did cross my mind... to maybe find a casual one night stand/no strings attached kinda hook-up with a girl.. but i havent gotten around (or know how to get around) finding such girls/going for such an encounter...

 

 

My regrets for the belated response, but it was quite after midnight already yesterday and today was at work.

 

First upfront I need to place a disclaimer. It is difficult to comment on something so "insular". I don't know you, I don't know your background, I don't know what could have made that you are the way you are.   I can only take clues from what you shared here.

 

My first post last night what I meant to point out is: If you have a certain fetish, you wouldn't probably approach any potential girls at first sight with your fetish. The girl might just run away or in nowadays terms block you instantly on the apps, once you told them. Which means, you must be careful.

If you have girls to test on you sexual likings other than prostitutes, then that would be great. Sure, even in Singapore you would find girls who indulge into some fetish stuff. But note, such girls are not for marriage, ha ha. But you would need to be prepared for many girls categorising you as a "pervert" because you likings or fetish might not be common. Most girls would just want the normal sex with plenty of romance.

I found it easier to approach a prostitute on your issue and maybe even do to some role play and just check for yourself if girls are your thing. That was the reason I suggested it.

 

Second: Even straight guys put up topless posters of Ronaldo or other stars at their rooms. Would that mean such straight guys have a gay or bisexual tendency? No, not at all! I will come back to this later. Just go out today, many more young straight men shape up their bodies to look attractive to girls  (or out of other reasons).

 

Third: I don't think you fit into the category of "asexual" because you fantasise about sex. Asexuals mostly display no interest into any sexual activity at all, don't even masturbate and probably would not carry any sexual fantasies.

 

Response to your query:

What I see is or read out of your posts: You have a subordination fetish. You prefer to be submissive towards your sex partner. You prefer your sex partner to take the lead and even command you.

 

If I needed to draw a conclusion, I would come to the one telling me, you had a strong mother, a dominating mother, at least during the initial years. Your father seemed the softer type and not the one banging his hand on the table to govern in the family, but it was mostly your mother who gave the direction and lead the family, maybe even a little sort of authoritarian. That might be the background of your fetish. It could have been some other female figure in your life. But the way you are could have a different source.

I m sure you would enjoy sex with a "dominatrix" sort of woman. (A woman who physically or psychologically dominates her partner and even resorts to some bondage).

She must not even hurt you physically, but pretending would be fine to sexually arouse you. I sense you feel aroused by such a scenario. The whip holding woman in high heels ordering you what to do.

But don't forget this is sex. And don't forget it is a fantasy.

I bet many women/girls would judge you as a sexual pervert if you approach them on your sexual fetish at first instance or when you get to know them.

It is difficult for you to explore on this with the usual kind of girls around there. 

 

You have been exploring some fun with guys since you are 16. Ok, many of straight guys have explored some "homosexual" activity during their early teens There is this dick, it gets hard, you start to release. Teens playing with guys doesn't mean they are gay or will ever or always be gay. Yes, there are some cultures (like in the Arab) where guys play with other guys, but the background is more the lack of girls to play with and the religious background of having sex with a girl while being unmarried as disallowed, these Arab straight guys will then resort to playing with other guys during their teens, some will continue their habit but actually they are not really gay but just continue once in a while what they did from their sexual starting experiences or when their wives lost their lust for sex. Most straight guys would not talk about any such play, as it might be awkward or giving an impression they might be gay to other straight guys. But for sure they never developed any preference to sex with guys later on. In your case I note the lack of an available girl to explore sexual activity too. I think many guys had an experience or some with other guys during their teens, you fight, rub on parts, dicks turn hard... you play on and let the beast out and so on. But I would not conclude from such teen experience for being gay. Probably it was easier to find sexual contacts to guys in your situation. In particular, if you are gay you would not feel disinterested in seeing an erected dicks or watching anal sex porn.

 

I read out of your posts you have something holy or a holy view about people being naked and fail to see sex as something natural. You have been avoiding sex (in my view). It is very difficult to know why. In Europe I would have said, you have had a Roman Catholic education. (Ha ha).

But there are people who in their subconscious see sex as something disgusting and dirty.

It could be a result of wrong educational background on sex and being instilled to miss to see the beauty of a nude body (or making the nude body to a problem or "sin" of thing). Some (old fashioned) parents invent a lot of things to keep kids off from sexual interest or activity. They think it is helpful or serves the aim, but mostly it causes more problems in the development.

 

Personally I would judge there is an inside barrier for your to cross a line and just let go and indulge in sex. It is something like from your childhood, when your mother said, never to open that box hidden in the kitchen drawer and you wanted to explore but the fear was greater and stopped you from doing.

There is a type of extreme prudishness in you and to accept the natural outcome of sexual arousal.

You need to cross that barrier in my view to overcome your subconscious (probably negative) view on sexual activity and start seeing it as something that belongs to us human beings.  If sex wouldn't be something enjoyable, there wouldn't be so many sections talking about it at BW (ha ha) or society would not discuss on it so much.

 

The only thing to find out is to explore and indulge into sex.

It might not work on the first three to five times on your initial sex trials as you prevent yourself from letting go.

And what I see: You need the girl to lead the way. In fact you need a girl to guide you through the sex.

(That's why I proposed a prostitute).

You simply need to pass through your anxiety (or any subconscious hindrance) in indulging in a sexual intercourse.

Surely, on some apps you would find a girls who would have fun with you and play on your fetish, but sorry, as I m not straight, I wouldn't know in Singapore how to find them. (ha ha).

 

Whether you enjoy sex with a guy or a girl in the end you need to make out with yourself.

Nobody here will be able to tell you. And into what category (gay/straight/bi) you fall will depend on that question.

 

And nobody will judge you if you had sexual encounters with a guy. If you turn out to be straight, then just keep it as your secret.

 

I m not the guy who pushes people to see psychologists / psychiatrists (actually I mostly recommend not to see such specialists)

but in your case (what someone else suggested earlier) it might be helpful

a) to talk about your issue with someone who will listen and can ask the right questions and guide you to overcome the innate fears

b) as he would know what questions to ask you and to look at reasons, and

b) to propose some steps for you to go forward taken from his experience and knowledge on such subconscious things or behavioral matters/ patterns.

 

But please note: I don't say you have any mental issue or are mentally sick. Don't get me wrong.

 

Sometimes it is just good, to talk about something and let the thing out of the box. In many cases the talking might already help you to get on with this issue. And probably you would not like to talk with your close friends on such personal issues. And who can you talk to? So a specialist might be the person to allow you to talk about it face to face.

 

But for certain a specialist would not be the one to tell you whether you are heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual.

 

This must come from your own experience and preference in what you sexually enjoy and with whom (girl, guy or both).

 

 

Kindly understand again: I come from limited knowledge of yourself and can just interpret on what you wrote on this forum. I might be wrong in all parts due to my lack of knowing you closer and knowing your background.

 

Digest it, go out and explore and make up your mind. You need to find out for yourself if you are more attracted to guys or girls. But you will only know if you get into action.

 

 

On a last note: Your fear on STDs on prostitutes might be overrated. There might be guys who frequent a gay sauna 5 days a week and don't protect themselves or indulge into unprotected sex with different guys every day at home or go cruising with different sex partners at certain outdoor locations. And those guys, may have athletic bodies and great looks like your "poster boys". Yes, there might be even girls who are not prostitutes who have a high sex drive and prefer unprotected sex and indulge into sex with strangers twice daily. There might be everything out there... (PS.: I don't judge on above persons I described). But prostitutes go for regular check ups and you would surely take a condom. I m even sure the prostitute would impose on you to do protected sex.

Inform yourself on the best steps to protect yourself and to practice safe sex.  If you know how then you might not need to fear catching a STD.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/16/2020 at 6:31 PM, potato said:

Exactly what you just did. You did the right thing. I mean you could also visit a psychiatrist. As they mentioned, explore different aspects of your sexuality and don't give yourself a label. Your body and mind know what to do subconsciously. If you have no urge of having sex with a woman, I can only suggest you can explore having sex with man. Don't have to be anal but there must be something about a man or a woman turn you on sexually. Start with it and explore slowly. Don't get married when you're not sure about it.  From what you mentioned earlier, your girlfriend sounds very religious. It is quite disastrous for a woman to then realised her husband is gay and you just destroyed her life.


“If you have no urge of having sex with a woman, I can only suggest you can explore having sex with man.” - this is such a flawed logic. But well, such one-sided views is so common on this forum.

 

Since he mentioned he has no urge of having sex with guys, why do you not suggest him exploring sex with woman? Ha ha ha.

Link to post
Share on other sites
22 hours ago, Guest Hmm said:

Good that you're thinking and trying to get help. I see you have created an account. But I hope you can be careful; don't let yourself be manipulated/  taken advantage of by predators. A lot of shady characters in online communities. 


Can’t agree any less. Frankly speaking, everyone has their own views on this, and the views differ. @TS you need to ask own conscience and seek your own answers.


Noted on the point where you mentioned you are a “pretty late bloomer when it comes to sex/sexual experience with women... but with guys, started experimenting (although not that frequently either and mostly fetish-related) since 16”.

 

Looks like things would turn out differently if you experimented with ladies at 16. I agree with one of the other forum user who mentioned that you are heterosexual in his opinion, but I would add on my views that I deemed you as “confused” due to the implications of your experimentation.

 

I personally find that most opinions and suggested solution here focus very much on the sex aspect. This is a glaring issue and problem that is very much treated indifferently in our community. My advice to TS and all who read this: better not seek for an answer while focusing on the wrong things that matter in our lives. 

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Guest
11 hours ago, singalion said:

First upfront I need to place a disclaimer. It is difficult to comment on something so "insular". I don't know you, I don't know your background, I don't know what could have made that you are the way you are.   I can only take clues from what you shared here.

 

So now the disclaimer came?? And that's only after you "advised" him to go look for sex "as soon as possible" In your last post? This simply goes to show how irresponsible you are and how you had always been. I hope TS is not going to be so impressionable as to take everyone's advice at face value, especially that from foreign trash like yours. 

Link to post
Share on other sites
12 hours ago, Pureordinary said:

 

Since he mentioned he has no urge of having sex with guys, why do you not suggest him exploring sex with woman? Ha ha ha.

 

I am quite sure @anon6789 mentioned he has been having sexual activities with guys since age 16, and that he has been seeking "fetish" related activities with these guys. So he is not attracted to dicks, per se, but he is interested to doing stuff with men.

 

So definitely not "asexual"

There are also plenty of gay guys who are not interested in romantic relationships. Only looking for sex. They can be happy and fulfilled too.

The main difference with regular gay guys is instead of looking for oral/anal sex, the TS is looking for muscle worship [speculation on my part] or related fetish activities.

 

I also get the sense that the TS is not actually that keen on romantic relationships with women. Maybe that has something to do with social conditioning, making family happy and whatnot.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Social-Psychology Grad
1 hour ago, And then said:

 

I am quite sure @anon6789 mentioned he has been having sexual activities with guys since age 16, and that he has been seeking "fetish" related activities with these guys. So he is not attracted to dicks, per se, but he is interested to doing stuff with men.

 

So definitely not "asexual"

There are also plenty of gay guys who are not interested in romantic relationships. Only looking for sex. They can be happy and fulfilled too.

The main difference with regular gay guys is instead of looking for oral/anal sex, the TS is looking for muscle worship [speculation on my part] or related fetish activities.

 

I also get the sense that the TS is not actually that keen on romantic relationships with women. Maybe that has something to do with social conditioning, making family happy and whatnot.


Read through all the posts in this thread. My two cents worth on this matter, or I would say the plight that the TS is in looks more likely to have been the by-product of his experimentation with guys - the effect of pavlovian conditioning on his sexual stimulus.

 

I disagree with the opinion that it is possible social conditioning. The reason of social conditioning is too often used as a tool for gerrymandering. Worries about being suppressed as a result of social conditioning is often a reverse psychology.

 

On the point regarding romantic relationship. I am unsure if the TS is indeed less keen on romantic relationship with women, it is too quick to jump to conclusion that he is not.

 

Issues on sexual identity are often split. Sexual identity is often described to be fluid & complex. Therefore it is crucial to highlight sexual identity should not be determined in a spur-of-the-moment season of feelings, worries or sexual attraction.

Link to post
Share on other sites
On 9/17/2020 at 12:11 AM, will7z said:

 

Again these sound asexual to me. According to the website https://www.asexuality.org/?q=overview.html, asexuality doesn't mean no sexual attraction, many asexual people still have aesthetic sexual attraction, however, it may not lead to the act on the attraction and further develop into sexual impulse. In your description, the aesthetic level must be so high which means at least you are not easily aroused like non-asexual people.

 

In addition, asexual people can arouse due to body hormone hence they would still masturbate but they may not necessarily need/enjoy a partner to have sex together, which in your case you derive more sexual arousal from the imagination of your own macho/manly fantasy.  

 

In terms of romantic relationship, you can still have crush on girls. So maybe you can consider to find asexual women for the long term so you two don't need to commit each other on the sexual part but can develop emotion connection. Since female vagina/boobs are even less acceptable to you than dicks, you may really need to re-consider or ensure the sex part works well mutually if you have a straight women as girlfriend/wife. 

 

yes, thanks dude. i think you understand asexuality quite well. or at least what you said resonates with what i have read the past 2 weeks or so lol. i've been having some doubts on whether i really fall under asexuality though, because i sort of accidentally chanced upon some nsfw lite gay porn content on youtube (no nudity), and there were like pretty hot dudes shirtless and leading up to kissing, etc. and i did feel some arousal and i checked my thoughts, i think i was thinking like wow this dude is hot, if i really had the opportunity i would like to be intimate with him, i.e., kiss/touch his body etc. but not so sure about letting him penetrate me or sucking his dick or what lol. like i said, maybe cos he is hot, i would consider it and in the heat of the moment... but i might still lie somewhere on the asexuality spectrum though, idk

 

and er, how to find asexual women though... like is there a platform for that lol 

 

22 hours ago, Ben S said:

 

While reading your story, asexual also comes to my mind.

Or there could be different things trigger your mind/urge : sapiosexual , etc

or maybe you like to be dominated (by girl/guy, whichever) ... fetish

 

The world is vast ... no longer need to be bound by sexual orientation labels.

I think you need to look more into yourself , what you find attractive from others.

 

i think i agree with the domination thing. probably can get aroused too, if it was a girl. but just that generally the male form is much more attractive to me than the female form. it's really strange actually, cos like whenever i've had sexual encounters where i lose my erection (maybe cos i overthink or am anxious) after the fetish part is over, it helps when i am able to see myself in the mirror lol. i think i am somewhat attracted to my own physique or like to see myself in the mirror to "reconfirm" that i look sexy or look good. is this v strange lol

 

22 hours ago, Guest Jon K said:

Romantic orientation: females (You want to pursue romantic relationship with girls)

Sexual orientation: predominantly males (You see certain guys in a sexual manner and want to act on it)

 

If your sexual needs are less important, you can probably be in a full relationship with a girl and achieve sexual gratifications from imagination/videos.

You may be able to find a girl that is asexual, who gives you permission to explore your sexuality with others outside of the relationship.

 

again, not sure how to find an asexual girl lol. and i think i wld actually be satisfied with watching stuff / looking at stuff online and getting off to satisfy that  part of me... idk maybe... 

Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, singalion said:

 

My regrets for the belated response, but it was quite after midnight already yesterday and today was at work.

 

First upfront I need to place a disclaimer. It is difficult to comment on something so "insular". I don't know you, I don't know your background, I don't know what could have made that you are the way you are.   I can only take clues from what you shared here.

 

My first post last night what I meant to point out is: If you have a certain fetish, you wouldn't probably approach any potential girls at first sight with your fetish. The girl might just run away or in nowadays terms block you instantly on the apps, once you told them. Which means, you must be careful.

If you have girls to test on you sexual likings other than prostitutes, then that would be great. Sure, even in Singapore you would find girls who indulge into some fetish stuff. But note, such girls are not for marriage, ha ha. But you would need to be prepared for many girls categorising you as a "pervert" because you likings or fetish might not be common. Most girls would just want the normal sex with plenty of romance.

I found it easier to approach a prostitute on your issue and maybe even do to some role play and just check for yourself if girls are your thing. That was the reason I suggested it.

 

Second: Even straight guys put up topless posters of Ronaldo or other stars at their rooms. Would that mean such straight guys have a gay or bisexual tendency? No, not at all! I will come back to this later. Just go out today, many more young straight men shape up their bodies to look attractive to girls  (or out of other reasons).

 

Third: I don't think you fit into the category of "asexual" because you fantasise about sex. Asexuals mostly display no interest into any sexual activity at all, don't even masturbate and probably would not carry any sexual fantasies.

 

Response to your query:

What I see is or read out of your posts: You have a subordination fetish. You prefer to be submissive towards your sex partner. You prefer your sex partner to take the lead and even command you.

 

If I needed to draw a conclusion, I would come to the one telling me, you had a strong mother, a dominating mother, at least during the initial years. Your father seemed the softer type and not the one banging his hand on the table to govern in the family, but it was mostly your mother who gave the direction and lead the family, maybe even a little sort of authoritarian. That might be the background of your fetish. It could have been some other female figure in your life. But the way you are could have a different source.

I m sure you would enjoy sex with a "dominatrix" sort of woman. (A woman who physically or psychologically dominates her partner and even resorts to some bondage).

She must not even hurt you physically, but pretending would be fine to sexually arouse you. I sense you feel aroused by such a scenario. The whip holding woman in high heels ordering you what to do.

But don't forget this is sex. And don't forget it is a fantasy.

I bet many women/girls would judge you as a sexual pervert if you approach them on your sexual fetish at first instance or when you get to know them.

It is difficult for you to explore on this with the usual kind of girls around there. 

 

You have been exploring some fun with guys since you are 16. Ok, many of straight guys have explored some "homosexual" activity during their early teens There is this dick, it gets hard, you start to release. Teens playing with guys doesn't mean they are gay or will ever or always be gay. Yes, there are some cultures (like in the Arab) where guys play with other guys, but the background is more the lack of girls to play with and the religious background of having sex with a girl while being unmarried as disallowed, these Arab straight guys will then resort to playing with other guys during their teens, some will continue their habit but actually they are not really gay but just continue once in a while what they did from their sexual starting experiences or when their wives lost their lust for sex. Most straight guys would not talk about any such play, as it might be awkward or giving an impression they might be gay to other straight guys. But for sure they never developed any preference to sex with guys later on. In your case I note the lack of an available girl to explore sexual activity too. I think many guys had an experience or some with other guys during their teens, you fight, rub on parts, dicks turn hard... you play on and let the beast out and so on. But I would not conclude from such teen experience for being gay. Probably it was easier to find sexual contacts to guys in your situation. In particular, if you are gay you would not feel disinterested in seeing an erected dicks or watching anal sex porn.

 

I read out of your posts you have something holy or a holy view about people being naked and fail to see sex as something natural. You have been avoiding sex (in my view). It is very difficult to know why. In Europe I would have said, you have had a Roman Catholic education. (Ha ha).

But there are people who in their subconscious see sex as something disgusting and dirty.

It could be a result of wrong educational background on sex and being instilled to miss to see the beauty of a nude body (or making the nude body to a problem or "sin" of thing). Some (old fashioned) parents invent a lot of things to keep kids off from sexual interest or activity. They think it is helpful or serves the aim, but mostly it causes more problems in the development.

 

Personally I would judge there is an inside barrier for your to cross a line and just let go and indulge in sex. It is something like from your childhood, when your mother said, never to open that box hidden in the kitchen drawer and you wanted to explore but the fear was greater and stopped you from doing.

There is a type of extreme prudishness in you and to accept the natural outcome of sexual arousal.

You need to cross that barrier in my view to overcome your subconscious (probably negative) view on sexual activity and start seeing it as something that belongs to us human beings.  If sex wouldn't be something enjoyable, there wouldn't be so many sections talking about it at BW (ha ha) or society would not discuss on it so much.

 

The only thing to find out is to explore and indulge into sex.

It might not work on the first three to five times on your initial sex trials as you prevent yourself from letting go.

And what I see: You need the girl to lead the way. In fact you need a girl to guide you through the sex.

(That's why I proposed a prostitute).

You simply need to pass through your anxiety (or any subconscious hindrance) in indulging in a sexual intercourse.

Surely, on some apps you would find a girls who would have fun with you and play on your fetish, but sorry, as I m not straight, I wouldn't know in Singapore how to find them. (ha ha).

 

Whether you enjoy sex with a guy or a girl in the end you need to make out with yourself.

Nobody here will be able to tell you. And into what category (gay/straight/bi) you fall will depend on that question.

 

And nobody will judge you if you had sexual encounters with a guy. If you turn out to be straight, then just keep it as your secret.

 

I m not the guy who pushes people to see psychologists / psychiatrists (actually I mostly recommend not to see such specialists)

but in your case (what someone else suggested earlier) it might be helpful

a) to talk about your issue with someone who will listen and can ask the right questions and guide you to overcome the innate fears

b) as he would know what questions to ask you and to look at reasons, and

b) to propose some steps for you to go forward taken from his experience and knowledge on such subconscious things or behavioral matters/ patterns.

 

But please note: I don't say you have any mental issue or are mentally sick. Don't get me wrong.

 

Sometimes it is just good, to talk about something and let the thing out of the box. In many cases the talking might already help you to get on with this issue. And probably you would not like to talk with your close friends on such personal issues. And who can you talk to? So a specialist might be the person to allow you to talk about it face to face.

 

But for certain a specialist would not be the one to tell you whether you are heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual.

 

This must come from your own experience and preference in what you sexually enjoy and with whom (girl, guy or both).

 

 

Kindly understand again: I come from limited knowledge of yourself and can just interpret on what you wrote on this forum. I might be wrong in all parts due to my lack of knowing you closer and knowing your background.

 

Digest it, go out and explore and make up your mind. You need to find out for yourself if you are more attracted to guys or girls. But you will only know if you get into action.

 

 

On a last note: Your fear on STDs on prostitutes might be overrated. There might be guys who frequent a gay sauna 5 days a week and don't protect themselves or indulge into unprotected sex with different guys every day at home or go cruising with different sex partners at certain outdoor locations. And those guys, may have athletic bodies and great looks like your "poster boys". Yes, there might be even girls who are not prostitutes who have a high sex drive and prefer unprotected sex and indulge into sex with strangers twice daily. There might be everything out there... (PS.: I don't judge on above persons I described). But prostitutes go for regular check ups and you would surely take a condom. I m even sure the prostitute would impose on you to do protected sex.

Inform yourself on the best steps to protect yourself and to practice safe sex.  If you know how then you might not need to fear catching a STD.

 

 

wow thats a really long post. err just some points in response:

  • i think your understanding of asexuality is not quite accurate - i.e., it is possible for asexuals to be aroused and watch porn/masturbate. it's just that they do not feel sexual attraction/desire per se to other people. that said, it is a spectrum and of course someone who is hardcore 100% asexual may not even have the desire (or much desire) for these kinda things 
  • agree on the subordination fetish, but completely wrong on the assessment/prediction of "having a strong/dominating mother" - this one is totally off lol
  • i dont think ive been avoiding sex per se; it's just that i've never had a particular strong desire for it i guess (minus the getting off via fetishes etc.) and i guess i had other stuff to worry about / distract me prior to err, now. (i.e. other things are/were more impt to me than sex, and urges cld largely be satisfied via masturbation)
  • issue with prostitutes now is that the legal brothels are closed lol, due to covid and related travel restrictions... and i kinda dun want to "dabble" in illegal prostitution and possibly get into trouble, so...

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Social-Psychology Grad

“i sort of accidentally chanced upon some nsfw lite gay porn content on youtube (no nudity), and there were like pretty hot dudes shirtless and leading up to kissing, etc. and i did feel some arousal and i checked my thoughts, i think i was thinking like wow this dude is hot, if i really had the opportunity i would like to be intimate with him, i.e., kiss/touch his body etc. but not so sure about letting him penetrate me or sucking his dick or what lol. like i said, maybe cos he is hot, i would consider it and in the heat of the moment... but i might still lie somewhere on the asexuality spectrum though, idk“

 

Hi TS, your thoughts of possibly being asexual seems highly likely to fit into what we call an “excuse” in your crisis response. I saw you mentioned in one of the post here that you have broken up due to this issue. When a person goes through a crisis, there are generally four kinds of response - denial, excuse, justification, apology. Your response may fit into one or more categories. 
 

Caught in the aftermath of a breakup, it is highly possible that your doubts of your sexuality and asexuality fits in both excuse and justification.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would pull the handbrake on viewing such sexual stimulating materials, especially in a crisis as well. I would strongly recommend you to pull the handbrake. Your crisis may be speeding up the rate of your pavlovian conditioning. From the way I see it, the recount of your youtube incident is showing evidence of it. From your recount of your youtube experience, I observed a “milestone” in your pavlovian conditioning - from your initial description of only fetish, it seems to be moving on (or have moved on) to the next stage: intimacy. This development is unhelpful and suggest a detrimental effect is ongoing.

Link to post
Share on other sites
21 minutes ago, Guest Social-Psychology Grad said:

“i sort of accidentally chanced upon some nsfw lite gay porn content on youtube (no nudity), and there were like pretty hot dudes shirtless and leading up to kissing, etc. and i did feel some arousal and i checked my thoughts, i think i was thinking like wow this dude is hot, if i really had the opportunity i would like to be intimate with him, i.e., kiss/touch his body etc. but not so sure about letting him penetrate me or sucking his dick or what lol. like i said, maybe cos he is hot, i would consider it and in the heat of the moment... but i might still lie somewhere on the asexuality spectrum though, idk“

 

Hi TS, your thoughts of possibly being asexual seems highly likely to fit into what we call an “excuse” in your crisis response. I saw you mentioned in one of the post here that you have broken up due to this issue. When a person goes through a crisis, there are generally four kinds of response - denial, excuse, justification, apology. Your response may fit into one or more categories. 
 

Caught in the aftermath of a breakup, it is highly possible that your doubts of your sexuality and asexuality fits in both excuse and justification.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would pull the handbrake on viewing such sexual stimulating materials, especially in a crisis as well. I would strongly recommend you to pull the handbrake. Your crisis may be speeding up the rate of your pavlovian conditioning. From the way I see it, the recount of your youtube incident is showing evidence of it. From your recount of your youtube experience, I observed a “milestone” in your pavlovian conditioning - from your initial description of only fetish, it seems to be moving on (or have moved on) to the next stage: intimacy. This development is unhelpful and suggest a detrimental effect is ongoing.

 

errr then what do you think i should do lol. in terms of concrete steps that i can take. and any other advice....

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Guest
7 minutes ago, anon6789 said:

 

errr then what do you think i should do lol. in terms of concrete steps that i can take. and any other advice....

 

I have a different opinion. I think you are just starting to explore a different side of your own sexuality or sexual health. This supposed "Guest Social-Psychology Grad" seems to be more of a religious fanatic rather than a true social-psychology student. A social psychology student will know that there is no absolute right or absolute wrong. In fact, a social psychologist would encourage people to find their own answers, instead of going around telling people what are the right and wrong answers, and they won't tell people what to do and what not to do. This really goes to show that people on this forum are never who they really say that are. 

 

In my opinion, I think whichever way you turned out, whether you become a straight and loving husband, a hunky flaming jock gay, a manly bear Daddy-I'd-love-to-fuck, just know that your sexuality and your sexual tendencies do not define you in your real life. What you like to do in the privacy of your own home or behind closed doors, is your own business. What defines you is how you contribute to the world, to the society, to the people around you, and not who with and how you have your sex, OK? 

 

In my own personal opinion, maybe you should just go out and explore the world a bit and see what type of sexual fun you can enjoy. But please, make sure whatever that you do, you do so responsibly, sanely and safely. Do not bring home an unexpected baby or some STDs. That's the most important part of every single messages here on this thread. 

 

The world is such a big place for you to explore. People who tell you to stop doing this and stop doing that are stopping you from discovering your true self, regardless if their intentions are good or bad. Explore a bit and see for yourself what you really like and what you don't, because none of us (not even you or your parents or that lousy Guest Social-psycho grad) have all the answers. I don't think there is any right or wrong sexuality for anyone to live through, as you can see from the evil straight husbands out there, and the good bear or hunky lawyers and doctors in the society. 

 

But at your age, you might not have much time to explore, because soon, people will ask you to settle down. And sexual life may start dwindling down when you get to age 40s or 50s and you may see less and less of it because of your aging physical appearance as you grow older. So enjoy yourself while you still can. But don't forget to balance your fun with your real life responsibilities such as earning yourself a living and getting your job done etc, OK? 

Link to post
Share on other sites
15 hours ago, Pureordinary said:


Can’t agree any less. Frankly speaking, everyone has their own views on this, and the views differ. @TS you need to ask own conscience and seek your own answers.


Noted on the point where you mentioned you are a “pretty late bloomer when it comes to sex/sexual experience with women... but with guys, started experimenting (although not that frequently either and mostly fetish-related) since 16”.

 

Looks like things would turn out differently if you experimented with ladies at 16. I agree with one of the other forum user who mentioned that you are heterosexual in his opinion, but I would add on my views that I deemed you as “confused” due to the implications of your experimentation.

 

I personally find that most opinions and suggested solution here focus very much on the sex aspect. This is a glaring issue and problem that is very much treated indifferently in our community. My advice to TS and all who read this: better not seek for an answer while focusing on the wrong things that matter in our lives. 

 

 

would it make a difference, though, in your assessment that i may be heterosexual, the fact that if there was an attractive male and female in the room, i would probably look at/notice the attractive male first and appreciate his features/physique etc? i think the main issue for me is that if i was truly hetereo or bi, then why do i feel v little attraction to the naked female form? but then again the naked male form also like not super duper appealing lol. idk, maybe it's just what i'm used to seeing - e.g., common to see topless guys (but not naked) but not common to see topless girls. but i suppose a "normal" straight person wouldnt feel this way lol

Link to post
Share on other sites

 

2 hours ago, Guest Social-Psychology Grad said:


Read through all the posts in this thread. My two cents worth on this matter, or I would say the plight that the TS is in looks more likely to have been the by-product of his experimentation with guys - the effect of pavlovian conditioning on his sexual stimulus.

 

I disagree with the opinion that it is possible social conditioning. The reason of social conditioning is too often used as a tool for gerrymandering. Worries about being suppressed as a result of social conditioning is often a reverse psychology.

 

On the point regarding romantic relationship. I am unsure if the TS is indeed less keen on romantic relationship with women, it is too quick to jump to conclusion that he is not.

 

Issues on sexual identity are often split. Sexual identity is often described to be fluid & complex. Therefore it is crucial to highlight sexual identity should not be determined in a spur-of-the-moment season of feelings, worries or sexual attraction.

 

1 hour ago, Guest Social-Psychology Grad said:

“i sort of accidentally chanced upon some nsfw lite gay porn content on youtube (no nudity), and there were like pretty hot dudes shirtless and leading up to kissing, etc. and i did feel some arousal and i checked my thoughts, i think i was thinking like wow this dude is hot, if i really had the opportunity i would like to be intimate with him, i.e., kiss/touch his body etc. but not so sure about letting him penetrate me or sucking his dick or what lol. like i said, maybe cos he is hot, i would consider it and in the heat of the moment... but i might still lie somewhere on the asexuality spectrum though, idk“

 

Hi TS, your thoughts of possibly being asexual seems highly likely to fit into what we call an “excuse” in your crisis response. I saw you mentioned in one of the post here that you have broken up due to this issue. When a person goes through a crisis, there are generally four kinds of response - denial, excuse, justification, apology. Your response may fit into one or more categories. 
 

Caught in the aftermath of a breakup, it is highly possible that your doubts of your sexuality and asexuality fits in both excuse and justification.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would pull the handbrake on viewing such sexual stimulating materials, especially in a crisis as well. I would strongly recommend you to pull the handbrake. Your crisis may be speeding up the rate of your pavlovian conditioning. From the way I see it, the recount of your youtube incident is showing evidence of it. From your recount of your youtube experience, I observed a “milestone” in your pavlovian conditioning - from your initial description of only fetish, it seems to be moving on (or have moved on) to the next stage: intimacy. This development is unhelpful and suggest a detrimental effect is ongoing.

 

You are talking too much in psychological research slang, nobody can follow you as it is not clear what you are talking about.

It might be your academic conclusion but you do not convey what you intend to conclude or recommend into laymen language.

 

The aim of any academic is to explain to others not from his subject what the scientific thing is about. It may be something different if you are in a room with the same academics.

 

If I go to a doctor for some pain in my chest, I don't want him to tell me that I may have an apholaxic distroid in converse anatomy but with a slight basic convulsion in a neutronic lexophatic condition.

(Sorry dear social psychology grad to give you some lecture here... ha ha. )

 

You are advising him not to look out for any stimulating or sexually arousing videos on the internet. Sort of abstinence.

It is like telling a diabetic not to eat any fruits, chocolate or eat any cookies.

 

You should know, if the "abstinence" is too long, he would get a relapse.

 

It sounds to me like you intend to worsen his condition. And that would end in some depression. I don't think this is the way forward.

 

As to my understanding he was just looking at some youtube romance videos. He wasn't addictively watching some BDSM heavy loaded porn and couldn't get his hands from his dick and screen and forgot the whole world around him, not knowing whether it is day or night or what day of the week. What can the damage be to watch some romance video of a guy and girl (or two guys) being naked together and kissing? And he is not walking on the street and having flashbacks from his fantasies every time he sees a hot guy or girl.

 

I don't think the TS has any "crisis". He is just confused on his sexual orientation. His only crisis is probably his current insecurity not to know what he should do.

 

We all are aware people around 28 - 35 start thinking about their life and the way forward.

He is looking around, most of his chaps have a girlfriend or are already married, some have a bf. He starts to ask himself, what is with me?

 

He had been with a girl, it didn't turn out as it would have in usual conditions. And he did not get the sexual exposure with her.

 

And now he is in that situation of asking : Did I do anything wrong?

 

I would just recommend to him to get some sexual exposure.

This is the only way for him to know what he is attracted to. Trial and error.

 

Most of of had their exposure earlier. Either in our teens or after 20/ 21/ 23...

And many of us who weren't already gay with 15 or knew they are gay at that stage, even had a girlfriend and some even had sex with some girls during their teens/ late teens. But the gays under us knew from that time, it is not our thing with girls, as we are gay.

Some straight who had exposure to a guy, might have learned they are not into gay sex.

 

TS seems to have missed this phase in his teens to ascertain what sexual orientation he has.

 

TS should just go ahead and explore and get sexual expose in my opinion. And not to delay any longer in seeking "real" sexual exposure to a girl.

 

If he wants he can still try sex with a guy to see if it is his thing.

 

Without trying out, how would I know?

 

 

 

 

Edited by singalion
paragraphing
Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Social-Psychology Grad
1 hour ago, anon6789 said:

 

errr then what do you think i should do lol. in terms of concrete steps that i can take. and any other advice....


As “Guest Guest” has mentioned, I cannot give you an answer. Sexual identity is complex and fluid, you would have to seek and develop the answer which works for you. What works for one will not work for another. Make sound and fair judgement in your quest for your answer. I do not have other advices for you.

 

@Guest Guest I do not see where I have given an absolute answer to the TS. I have merely analysed the situation as well as some of the advices here. It is for the TS to make a better judgement for himself. Your way of response indeed goes on to show that people on this forum really jump to conclusion and pass judgement so easily whenever there are disagreement in views. We can all agree we are trying to help the TS, so please do not turn this thread into a flaming zone. Please do not be immature and make baseless accusations that people are lousy, religious fanatic or whatsoever. It is simply distasteful.

 

On a more positive note, I do agree with you on these two points you have made:-

 

What defines you is how you contribute to the world, to the society, to the people around you, and not who with and how you have your sex

 

please, make sure whatever that you do, you do so responsibly, sanely and safely. Do not bring home an unexpected baby or some STDs. That's the most important part of every single messages here on this thread.

 

@ TS For the three bolded words, an advice in my personal stance (and not by what I’m trained in) : do not toy with others in your quest for answer. How you do not want to be treated, do not treat others the same way. This should apply across the various areas - emotional and etc. Do not take of risk of getting into more undesired and unchartered situations when you are already trying to find your course in one.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Social-Psychology Grad
52 minutes ago, anon6789 said:

 

would it make a difference, though, in your assessment that i may be heterosexual, the fact that if there was an attractive male and female in the room, i would probably look at/notice the attractive male first and appreciate his features/physique etc? i think the main issue for me is that if i was truly hetereo or bi, then why do i feel v little attraction to the naked female form? but then again the naked male form also like not super duper appealing lol. idk, maybe it's just what i'm used to seeing - e.g., common to see topless guys (but not naked) but not common to see topless girls. but i suppose a "normal" straight person wouldnt feel this way lol


I cannot give you a definite answer. Also, because of the sensitivities of this forum and how some forum users seem to jump to conclusion, I cannot be seen as implying or inferring any answer. I would just quote and highlight what you have said, and point out a scientific fact.

 

“pretty late bloomer when it comes to sex/sexual experience with women... but with guys, started experimenting (although not that frequently either and mostly fetish-related) since 16”.

 

There are hormones and neurotransmitters being released for the first time, and that also coincide with the start of your pavlovian conditioning. So whatever comes first has a more significant impact.

 

It is for you and not for me to decide if you wish to include or exclude this factor in the equation in your search for an answer to your sexual identity.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Guest
19 minutes ago, Guest Social-Psychology Grad said:

@Guest Guest I do not see where I have given an absolute answer to the TS.

 

What is this below? This is pretty close to an absolute answer by telling him to stop, isn't it? 

 

2 hours ago, Guest Social-Psychology Grad said:

If I were in your shoes, I would pull the handbrake on viewing such sexual stimulating materials, especially in a crisis as well. I would strongly recommend you to pull the handbrake. Your crisis may be speeding up the rate of your pavlovian conditioning. From the way I see it, the recount of your youtube incident is showing evidence of it. From your recount of your youtube experience, I observed a “milestone” in your pavlovian conditioning - from your initial description of only fetish, it seems to be moving on (or have moved on) to the next stage: intimacy. This development is unhelpful and suggest a detrimental effect is ongoing.

 

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest Social-Psychology Grad
4 hours ago, Guest Guest said:

 

What is this below? This is pretty close to an absolute answer by telling him to stop, isn't it? 

 

 


Recommending and suggesting TS to stop the ongoing pavlovian conditioning (because of the biological and psychological implications involved) is so as to allow a more appropriate and conducive settings for him to make his judgement and find his answers. A judgement that is less likely to be impaired and erred due to spur-of-the-moment or current circumstances. Isn’t this for the good of TS?

 

At the same time, I did not suggest or push for an absolute answer to TS, the answer is for TS himself to find. I am of the view that no one can force an answer on him, so please do not infer otherwise and make accusations like this which is uncalled for.

Link to post
Share on other sites

as with some of the users here, trying to put a label can be quite difficult 

for me, i identify myself closer to being an asexual than anything. have always had a low sex drive, though more physically attracted to males than females

i started exploring a little late, in my early 30s but never really felt the draw of getting into a relationship

 

my own take is that sexuality can be a really gray area, some people can identify themselves more easily with certain labels, some people may change what they subscribe to with time. 

since lust is less likely to pull you into anything long term, then why not think about what you want to achieve or what would bring you stability /happiness in the long run and work backwards. at some point, i think it would be good to be comfortable with who/what you are and discuss it with your partner then

Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
You are posting as a guest. If you have an account, please sign in.
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...
counter