Life in the closet

[Guest Minefield]

This whole mess of a year has got me thinking about life. 

 

Currently in uni and still closeted. It sucks being in denial for so long. Recently been harbouring thoughts of coming out, even to the extent of drafting out a letter lol. So far, no one that I know of suspected anything. I mean, having not talk about girls ever, sometimes I do wonder if they are THAT clueless.

 

I'm always bombarded with when am I getting a GF when meeting up. Tried to have a go with a girl in poly, much to my regret. I felt like such an ass, wasting both her time and mine. Also, being the clueless donkey that I am, I just cannot pick out people of our kind. The thought of picking up and sending the wrong signals still haunts me to this day. Maybe it's the fear of being outed accidentally and people knowing. 

 

 

Now that I have grown and matured somewhat, I do feel like stepping out and making some friends from the community. Still feeling somewhat apprehensive as I have quite a few homophobic friends and fam. SG being so small, it feels like a minefield. Never tried any friend/dating apps for the fear of getting outed. On the other hand, it feels suffocating to not have people to share my problems with. Really admire those who have taken the brave steps of coming out. Currently, I cant risk that as I might end up being homeless lol. Real hopeful for the day I can be liberated from living a life of half truths. 

 

[Genitif]

Not everyone needs to come out though. You should just be yourself!

[wilfgene]

17 minutes ago, Genitif said:

Not everyone needs to come out though. You should just be yourself!

Not all but quite a few expect you to be what they assume you are to be.

[GachiMuchi]

2 hours ago, Guest Minefield said:

This whole mess of a year has got me thinking about life. 

 

Currently in uni and still closeted. It sucks being in denial for so long. Recently been harbouring thoughts of coming out, even to the extent of drafting out a letter lol. So far, no one that I know of suspected anything. I mean, having not talk about girls ever, sometimes I do wonder if they are THAT clueless.

 

I'm always bombarded with when am I getting a GF when meeting up. Tried to have a go with a girl in poly, much to my regret. I felt like such an ass, wasting both her time and mine. Also, being the clueless donkey that I am, I just cannot pick out people of our kind. The thought of picking up and sending the wrong signals still haunts me to this day. Maybe it's the fear of being outed accidentally and people knowing. 

 

Now that I have grown and matured somewhat, I do feel like stepping out and making some friends from the community. Still feeling somewhat apprehensive as I have quite a few homophobic friends and fam. SG being so small, it feels like a minefield. Never tried any friend/dating apps for the fear of getting outed. On the other hand, it feels suffocating to not have people to share my problems with. Really admire those who have taken the brave steps of coming out. Currently, I cant risk that as I might end up being homeless lol. Real hopeful for the day I can be liberated from living a life of half truths. 

 

 

The thing about you is not being able to accept that you are gay and that you love dicks. Which lies the fear of being discovered by people you know. It's hard to keep on a charade where there are always possibilities of being "Discovered" and maybe even openly shamed by the person who Discovered your secret identity.

 

Firstly, you MUST accept yourself. Once you can accept yourself that you are gay, the rest would be easy.

If someone found out you are gay, so be it. You are not a criminal and you are not stealing anything or doing harm to anyone. There is NOTING to FEAR.

Your next concern would be if people around you accepts you as a gay man or if they are homophobic they will avoid you. In extreme cases, the fear or being bullied or being discriminated by people you regards as friends/love ones.

 

Once you are prepared for the worst case, handling these people will come really easy.

 

For me, I would simply just cut them off from my life and or just distance myself from them. I had also gone through the same struggles as you and maybe more coming from an earlier era, but the day I accepted myself as a gay person, it was like a rock had been lifted from my chest. I make calculated choices who I share my gay identity to and I don't see the need to go around telling people; Hey! I am gay! It's only on a need to know basic and to people whom I am comfortable with. If my friends can't accept me and decide to avoid me or distance themselves from me. It's their lost not mine. I will choose to move on and find alleys and friends that accepts me for who I am rather than be with people who wants to impose their believes on me. I live my life how I see fit and not how others see fit.

 

You are not a kid any more, you have hands and legs and you can work and earn your own living and should the worst case happens and you are homeless,  I am pretty sure you won't die of hunger, I am sure you have friends around you that can offer help to you. It is not the dark ages and I am pretty sure, you will not suffer like those earlier generation where gayness is seen as a disease.

 

I hope the above gives you another perspective if you should or should you not come out.

[Steve5380]

3 hours ago, Guest Minefield said:

 

Currently in uni and still closeted. It sucks being in denial for so long. Recently been harbouring thoughts of coming out, even to the extent of drafting out a letter lol. So far, no one that I know of suspected anything. I mean, having not talk about girls ever, sometimes I do wonder if they are THAT clueless.

 

Really admire those who have taken the brave steps of coming out. Currently, I cant risk that as I might end up being homeless lol. Real hopeful for the day I can be liberated from living a life of half truths. 

 

 

It seems that you are an adult in college, living with your parents who are somewhat homophobic.   If so,  you are wise by staying in the closet.  Without gay distractions, you can concentrate in your studies and one day you will graduate, able to find a good job as a professional.  It seems that you know yourself quite well, you are not in "denial" of your sexual orientation but you are cautious to reveal it in a society that condemns it.  Better do your time and wait for the day you will be free.

 

This day you will be free you have the option to be independent if your job possibilities are good.  You may stay in your environment at first, landing in a good job and acquiring experience.  You may NEVER want to "come out" in a flamboyant way, since there is nothing to gain with that.  You simply could start exploring the gay scene, resting importance and losing fears of being outed.  

 

If someone discovers that you are gay, by hearing references from someone who saw you at a gay sauna, gay bar, with other gays, what can be the consequence of this?  Given the abomination of the put down of gays,  it is PERFECTLY MORAL to shamelessly lie against the accusations by anyone who wants to out you.  This may be a temporary solution but it gains you time.  Time to establish yourself as independent, have some capital to be financially strong, and cultivate experience in your profession.

 

The last stage comes by giving a damn about being outed, being known as gay or whatever.  This attitude empowers you to live with the sincerity of being yourself.  In this state, you can contemplate the possibility to enter into gay relationships,  have a boyfriend, live together, etc.  You will OWN your life, and this will be a big plus for whoever wants to share his life with you. 

 

One issue remains, and this is the persons who where in your life before you came out.  Former friends who dislike gays can be disposed of like trash to throw in the garbage.  The Family is different.  They will be helpless to control you once you are independent,  but this does not mean that you have to give up your love for them.  And love is not always reciprocated.  Your father or even mother may resent you for being gay, but you can understand their feelings and not react to them.  Especially when they age, you can remain concerned about their well being.  Siblings... are also helpless about your orientation,  and you may stay in close contact or distance yourself from them.   Hopefully you find a bf whose family is accepting, and then you have a "political" family again.

.

.

 

 

Edited October 3, 2020 by Steve5380

[Greenliv]

Sometimes we think of the worst scenario that could happen, when in fact society may have shifted its mindset towards being more acceptance of people without a gf or a bf. 

 

I mean, it may cause some angst initially if a daughter is not married, but after a while, it is generally accepted in the family and it becomes okay for the unmarried daughter to stay in the family. 

 

Maybe people do not cast much disapproving look towards a son who does not have a gf or is not settled down nowadays?

 

I cannot exactly measure the pulse of the society of what the reaction towards homosexuality is, but through observations, I sense that people are nonchalant towards PLUs and other openly expressed sentiments between opposite genders. 

 

Maybe they cast a quick glance towards same gender holding hands, or different genders giving a lip peck on the trains, but people have somehow gotten the idea of live and let live. 

 

Anyway, everyone has their own problems and pressing issues to deal with, and I, for one, am certainly not going to probe and pry into another person's sexual tendency. 

[Sixpac]

To come out to your family requires some preparation e.g. watch a good drama or movie with BL elements with mum and observe her reaction. Maybe out in stages - out to an understanding sister and get her to test family's opinion on homosexual.

[auscent]

Homophobic frens...

 

Dont be discouraged. I have strong views against some issues, completely opposite to some good frens'. Yet we respect each others stands. Including sexuality.

 

True frens should respect choices that do not harm others.

 

[Pubic01]

You are (and your sexuality in this case) the sieve of your own reality. What’s sieved out should be set aside (just so that you can see your reality more clearly) or discarded. 

[Guest Well]

1) Coming out is a very personal matter that you should NOT rush. Do it if and only if and when you are ready. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There is nothing wrong with being in the closet especially when it concerns your safety. 

 

2) What does "coming out" mean to you? Being honest with yourself? Being honest with yourself and your family? Being honest with yourself, your family, and your close, trustworthy friends? Telling everyone you meet, every time you meet, that you're gay? Updating all your social media accounts and announcing to the whole goddamn world "I'M GAYY"? Making the fact that you happen to be gay the only interesting thing about you? 

 

There is nothing wrong or shameful with being a private person (not being over dependent on external validation is a good thing). This being said, there is also nothing wrong with being a social butterfly (it's about why and how you do it). At the end of the day, it is really your character that defines you. 

 

Think carefully about these things. Whatever it is, know who you are, what you want, and be true to yourself. Have a backbone. 

 

3) Not sure what your situation with your family is like. Be prepared that they may not take well to it when you do come out. And it is fine; try to put yourself in their shoes too. They may be confused, misinformed, and afraid. Assure them that your sexuality is just one part of you. You are still their son. You can still do good things and contribute to society.  Be gentle, patient, and kind but firm. Try to honestly answer whatever questions they have. They may need some time to accept, understandaby. Direct them to some (reliable   eg. Oogachaga has some resources including counselling) resources if necessary. Have a plan if you do get kicked out of home. If you rely on a friend, make sure he/she is trustworthy. And make sure things are communicated properly and fairly, of course. 

 

4) Imho, online dating is 99% hopeless. The population of men you'll find there is self-selecting and not exactly the type looking to properly settle down. (Sorry)

 

I would prefer more "organic" ways of meeting people. It's more genuine, I feel. Truly getting to know, understand a person first as acquaintances, friends, before carefully taking the next steps. Of course it'll take time and effort. Nothing good ever comes easy. 

 

I can't suggest tangible avenues to you as this is something I'm still struggling to figure out as of now, but apps/Twitter/Instagram/Blowing Wind (I'm sorry) are definitely not it. Always keep the concept of self-selection in mind when you consider.

 

I see you are a closeted uni student (me too actually). School is actually not too bad of a way to meet people. However, you still have to be careful, please!! 

 

5) Understand that, really, the only thing common among all homosexuals is that they are homosexual. There is no one right or true way to live as a man who happens to be gay. Life is nuanced. 

 

6) I really hope you'll be careful whatever you do online and offline. There are some shady characters out there. Practice common sense and exercise critical thinking; do not allow yourself to be manipulated/groomed/pressured into things/arrangements that you do not need/want to do. Do not be afraid to give a firm and polite "NO". NO MEANS NO. And don't think with your wrong head! Do not be rash. Always consider the long-term consequences of your actions. 

 

Be strong. And have faith. We have to. 

[Guest Minefield]

On 10/5/2020 at 2:13 AM, Guest Well said:

1) Coming out is a very personal matter that you should NOT rush. Do it if and only if and when you are ready. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. There is nothing wrong with being in the closet especially when it concerns your safety. 

 

2) What does "coming out" mean to you? Being honest with yourself? Being honest with yourself and your family? Being honest with yourself, your family, and your close, trustworthy friends? Telling everyone you meet, every time you meet, that you're gay? Updating all your social media accounts and announcing to the whole goddamn world "I'M GAYY"? Making the fact that you happen to be gay the only interesting thing about you? 

 

There is nothing wrong or shameful with being a private person (not being over dependent on external validation is a good thing). This being said, there is also nothing wrong with being a social butterfly (it's about why and how you do it). At the end of the day, it is really your character that defines you. 

 

Think carefully about these things. Whatever it is, know who you are, what you want, and be true to yourself. Have a backbone. 

 

3) Not sure what your situation with your family is like. Be prepared that they may not take well to it when you do come out. And it is fine; try to put yourself in their shoes too. They may be confused, misinformed, and afraid. Assure them that your sexuality is just one part of you. You are still their son. You can still do good things and contribute to society.  Be gentle, patient, and kind but firm. Try to honestly answer whatever questions they have. They may need some time to accept, understandaby. Direct them to some (reliable   eg. Oogachaga has some resources including counselling) resources if necessary. Have a plan if you do get kicked out of home. If you rely on a friend, make sure he/she is trustworthy. And make sure things are communicated properly and fairly, of course. 

 

4) Imho, online dating is 99% hopeless. The population of men you'll find there is self-selecting and not exactly the type looking to properly settle down. (Sorry)

 

I would prefer more "organic" ways of meeting people. It's more genuine, I feel. Truly getting to know, understand a person first as acquaintances, friends, before carefully taking the next steps. Of course it'll take time and effort. Nothing good ever comes easy. 

 

I can't suggest tangible avenues to you as this is something I'm still struggling to figure out as of now, but apps/Twitter/Instagram/Blowing Wind (I'm sorry) are definitely not it. Always keep the concept of self-selection in mind when you consider.

 

I see you are a closeted uni student (me too actually). School is actually not too bad of a way to meet people. However, you still have to be careful, please!! 

 

5) Understand that, really, the only thing common among all homosexuals is that they are homosexual. There is no one right or true way to live as a man who happens to be gay. Life is nuanced. 

 

6) I really hope you'll be careful whatever you do online and offline. There are some shady characters out there. Practice common sense and exercise critical thinking; do not allow yourself to be manipulated/groomed/pressured into things/arrangements that you do not need/want to do. Do not be afraid to give a firm and polite "NO". NO MEANS NO. And don't think with your wrong head! Do not be rash. Always consider the long-term consequences of your actions. 

 

Be strong. And have faith. We have to. 

 

Really appreciate your advice. Good to know that there are people like me out there (not that it's a good thing). I'm only planning to come out to the fam atm, out of respect. Best to let them know that the future will not be what they are expecting. I do not really mind about the social part as I'm quite comfortable alone. 

 

Perhaps it's my phrasing but I'm not letting "being gay" define who I am. I deleted all social media accounts awhile back. I just worry about the day where I might need to clarify and without social media, it would be pretty tough. I would rather be full in or full out instead of having "rumours" or whatever those busybodies love to gorge themselves with. No idea how a person's sexuality can be of so much interest to someone. I have a few group chats where they post screen shots of those openly out. Whatever they say in that group is not pretty, to say the least. Hopefully that day will not come but one can only dream. 

 

For now I'm thinking about the future, housing etc. Maybe one day we can be afforded the same rights. Whether I would meet and be together with another person, I guess I'll just leave it to fate. Like you said, meeting up f2f trumps dating apps any day and I agree with that. The problem lies in me being quite reserved and clueless about telling people apart. With SD in place, it's pretty hard to even make friends when I barely step into campus haha. 

 

Also, many thanks to those who have replied. Totally didn't expect any, and I did have some great advice to takeaway :) 

[Guest Hello lah]

On 10/4/2020 at 2:07 AM, Guest Minefield said:

This whole mess of a year has got me thinking about life. 

 

Currently in uni and still closeted. It sucks being in denial for so long. Recently been harbouring thoughts of coming out, even to the extent of drafting out a letter lol. So far, no one that I know of suspected anything. I mean, having not talk about girls ever, sometimes I do wonder if they are THAT clueless.

 

I'm always bombarded with when am I getting a GF when meeting up. Tried to have a go with a girl in poly, much to my regret. I felt like such an ass, wasting both her time and mine. Also, being the clueless donkey that I am, I just cannot pick out people of our kind. The thought of picking up and sending the wrong signals still haunts me to this day. Maybe it's the fear of being outed accidentally and people knowing. 

 

 

Now that I have grown and matured somewhat, I do feel like stepping out and making some friends from the community. Still feeling somewhat apprehensive as I have quite a few homophobic friends and fam. SG being so small, it feels like a minefield. Never tried any friend/dating apps for the fear of getting outed. On the other hand, it feels suffocating to not have people to share my problems with. Really admire those who have taken the brave steps of coming out. Currently, I cant risk that as I might end up being homeless lol. Real hopeful for the day I can be liberated from living a life of half truths. 

 

 

Everyone has different situation.   First step.  The consideration is not out or not out.  It's what you want to do after you are out.  Plan that and see if that can materialise.  If not, then what's the point of outing.  If yes, then can consider out or not.  

 

If I were in your situation, I will make sure I graduate and get a stable job first.  Once you are financially independent, it's easier.

[Gayleo]

My advice is that you DO need to come out if you really want to live your life and make the best of it.

Being stuck in the closet will hinder your life and result in you missing a lot of missed opportunities.

 

You honestly just sound very paranoid now. Frankly, if some acquaintance hears rumours that you are gay? What is the worse that can happen? No matter how cb they are, they also won't 'out' you to your family so chill.

 

My advice is that you should first come out bit by bit.

First, pick a close non-homophobic friend to come out to. After you come out to that first person, it will be much easier to come out to others. Start coming out to your close friends one-on-one.

Since you've never had a gf before, I'm quite sure half of your inner social circle probably already suspects you are gay, just that they don't dare to confront you about it.

 

After you come out to your close inner circle, start exploring the gay community bit by bit. 

One of the biggest misconceptions among closeted gay men is that they think that after they come out of the closet, they will quickly form their own gay squad like what they see on IG. You will soon realise that is NOT the case. It is not easy to assimilate into the gay community unless you are very hot. It will take you time to build friendships. So I advise you start sooner rather than later.

 

Gay guys are huge on IG so if you don't even have any social media, they will think you are a loser and it will be even harder for you to make friends.

 

Your family should be one of the last people you come out to as they will find it the hardest to accept. You will soon realise people outside of your family won't really give a shit whether you gay or not. The only person who truly cares is you (and your parents lol).

 

So my advice is don't waste so much time planning how you going to come out or waiting until you graduate because the gay community is not an easy community to navigate.

 

Start coming out to close friends first. Then start exploring the gay scene step by step and build a strong support network.

 

Good luck!

[Guest Why]

3 hours ago, Gayleo said:

Gay guys are huge on IG so if you don't even have any social media, they will think you are a loser and it will be even harder for you to make friends.

This raises the question of why OP would want to / should associate with this kind of people, in the first place. 

[Looking123]

Many good views. 👍🙏♥️🙇‍♂️

[Steve5380]

6 hours ago, Gayleo said:

My advice is that you DO need to come out if you really want to live your life and make the best of it.

Being stuck in the closet will hinder your life and result in you missing a lot of missed opportunities.

 

You honestly just sound very paranoid now. Frankly, if some acquaintance hears rumours that you are gay? What is the worse that can happen? No matter how cb they are, they also won't 'out' you to your family so chill.

 

My advice is that you should first come out bit by bit.

First, pick a close non-homophobic friend to come out to. After you come out to that first person, it will be much easier to come out to others. Start coming out to your close friends one-on-one.

Since you've never had a gf before, I'm quite sure half of your inner social circle probably already suspects you are gay, just that they don't dare to confront you about it.

 

 

I agree with you that we all should ultimately have the gay life that our nature calls for.

 

It is also wise to not rush it.  Opportunities in life are so plenty and varied that sexual orientation is not the most important factor.   We don't need to actively come out ever.  Close friends who may suspect that one is gay can be left suspecting forever.  This will hot harm them 

 

What needs to be taken care of is the reaction of the family.  Family is on a much higher pedestal than the best of friends.  So it is important to research the degree of acceptance by parents,  something that can be done by commenting gay issues with them,  like "the Taiwan government has legalized same-sex unions",  and from there a conversation can raise about the rights of homosexuals.  It may be convenient to keep a steady conversation with the family about homosexuals in today's society, with the intention to remark the positives of gay rights.  If family is uninformed, there is hope that they will lean in favor of gays. 

 

If family is too homophobic, a solution can be to never come out to them but to keep a distance.  Who knows,  maybe they will never find out.  And there are good reasons why their son, brother chooses to remain single. 

[Gayleo]

4 hours ago, Guest Why said:

This raises the question of why OP would want to / should associate with this kind of people, in the first place. 

 

What do you mean by 'these people'... Hello it's 2020. Everyone nowadays uses social media, it is just part and parcel of life. OP is a Uni student which means everyone around him also uses social media. In Uni where you can make friends through tutorials/CCAs etc, not having social media is not that much of a disadvantage because OP can make friends through the good old fashioned way of face to face interactions.

 

But for a closeted gay guy who currently has no gay connections, his main avenue of socialising now is through the apps. People he chats to on Tinder/Grindr etc are going to think he is a catfish or someone super shady if he doesn't have any social media. 

 

So OP, stop being so paranoid about people outing you or finding out about you.

When you start coming out, you will soon realise nobody really cares that much about your sexuality except your parents.

Everyone has their own shit to deal with. Frankly, you will be surprised by how many of your friends (especially girls) already know/suspect.

 

34 minutes ago, Steve5380 said:

 

I agree with you that we all should ultimately have the gay life that our nature calls for.

 

It is also wise to not rush it.  Opportunities in life are so plenty and varied that sexual orientation is not the most important factor.   We don't need to actively come out ever.  Close friends who may suspect that one is gay can be left suspecting forever.  This will hot harm them 

 

What needs to be taken care of is the reaction of the family.  Family is on a much higher pedestal than the best of friends.  So it is important to research the degree of acceptance by parents,  something that can be done by commenting gay issues with them,  like "the Taiwan government has legalized same-sex unions",  and from there a conversation can raise about the rights of homosexuals.  It may be convenient to keep a steady conversation with the family about homosexuals in today's society, with the intention to remark the positives of gay rights.  If family is uninformed, there is hope that they will lean in favor of gays. 

 

If family is too homophobic, a solution can be to never come out to them but to keep a distance.  Who knows,  maybe they will never find out.  And there are good reasons why their son, brother chooses to remain single. 

 

So basically you are saying only come out to his family if his family are already accepting? I disagree with this view.

 

Most Asian parents will not be accepting at first. Even if they ok with other people gay, they will not be ok for their own child to be gay.

If you want OP to wait until his parents become accepting, you can wait until the cows come home.

As the gay son, it is your responsibility to educate your parents. Nobody is going to do it for you.

 

My advice to OP is that once you are financially independent, come out to your parents. But don't expect them to react favourably.

Acceptance will not be overnight. For me, it took me years before my parents start to become more comfortable about my sexuality.

Most of my friends experience is the same. Unless your parents are super progressive, it will take them some time to come to terms with their sexuality.

 

Frankly, it will also be very loser if OP turns 40 but still don't dare tell the parents. Like.... there is a limit lah.

It is socially acceptable for a period of time but once you hit a certain age and still don't dare to tell your parents, c'mon la man the fuck up.

 

 

 

[And then]

Do not put yourself at the risk of being thrown out of home.

There is no hurry, can wait until you have graduated and can support yourself.

In the meantime, you can drop hints to the family.

Eg, being asked about gf -- just say you are not interested/ don't bother me/show black face

Best not to make things up, pretend to be interested, etc etc

[mate69]

no need lah

 

[Looking123]

One of the disadvantages of not being out is that you can't publicly display your picture. It's more difficult for people to know if they like you (first impression wise). You reduce your chances but you might also face a lot of heartaches getting in and out of relationships should you be very active in this. Definitely not worth getting kicked out of your home for it.

 

Anyway, just take what I wrote with a pinch of salt. I'm no expert although probably twice (or more) your age, and still in my trusty old moldy closet!

Edited October 7, 2020 by Looking123

[FattChoy]

On 10/4/2020 at 4:44 AM, GachiMuchi said:

 

The thing about you is not being able to accept that you are gay and that you love dicks. Which lies the fear of being discovered by people you know. It's hard to keep on a charade where there are always possibilities of being "Discovered" and maybe even openly shamed by the person who Discovered your secret identity.

 

Firstly, you MUST accept yourself. Once you can accept yourself that you are gay, the rest would be easy.

If someone found out you are gay, so be it. You are not a criminal and you are not stealing anything or doing harm to anyone. There is NOTING to FEAR.

Your next concern would be if people around you accepts you as a gay man or if they are homophobic they will avoid you. In extreme cases, the fear or being bullied or being discriminated by people you regards as friends/love ones.

 

Once you are prepared for the worst case, handling these people will come really easy.

 

For me, I would simply just cut them off from my life and or just distance myself from them. I had also gone through the same struggles as you and maybe more coming from an earlier era, but the day I accepted myself as a gay person, it was like a rock had been lifted from my chest. I make calculated choices who I share my gay identity to and I don't see the need to go around telling people; Hey! I am gay! It's only on a need to know basic and to people whom I am comfortable with. If my friends can't accept me and decide to avoid me or distance themselves from me. It's their lost not mine. I will choose to move on and find alleys and friends that accepts me for who I am rather than be with people who wants to impose their believes on me. I live my life how I see fit and not how others see fit.

 

You are not a kid any more, you have hands and legs and you can work and earn your own living and should the worst case happens and you are homeless,  I am pretty sure you won't die of hunger, I am sure you have friends around you that can offer help to you. It is not the dark ages and I am pretty sure, you will not suffer like those earlier generation where gayness is seen as a disease.

 

I hope the above gives you another perspective if you should or should you not come out.

Not all in the gay community are worth mixing with either.  Only very few are gold.  Probably less than 50% and from my personal experience I find the closeted ones are better.  The ones out of the closet tends to be loud, and their lives are more often than not f'up up, messy, lonely, loud and unhappy.  Some have such an unhealthy preoccupation with sex, drugs and more sex.  Whatever you do, choose your company carefully.

Edited October 7, 2020 by FattChoy

[GachiMuchi]

5 hours ago, FattChoy said:

Not all in the gay community are worth mixing with either.  Only very few are gold.  Probably less than 50% and from my personal experience I find the closeted ones are better.  The ones out of the closet tends to be loud, and their lives are more often than not f'up up, messy, lonely, loud and unhappy.  Some have such an unhealthy preoccupation with sex, drugs and more sex.  Whatever you do, choose your company carefully.

 

I think we are referring to different things here.

 

What TS is referring to is his fear of and his urge to step out of his closet and I am referring to that in my reply.

 

What you are referring is your jaded view of the gay community and those whom are out, proud and loud and the kind of lifestyle they are into.

 

Your reference are mainly those in the gay scene, but there are actually those whom are non scene, whom are comfortable with themselves as gay men whom are not into the gay party or club scene.  So usually you won't see them hanging out in bars, clubs, etc. They might occasionally go clubbing or bars, etc. but not the regulars scene faces. 

 

The Singapore gay scene can be very brutal for the uninitiated. One don't have to go far, just open any gay apps and you get all myriads of different types or "characters“ online.

 

Anyway, all the best to TS. Your fear is founded but if you let your fear cripple you, you would have led a really miserable life if always wondering "what if..."

[FattChoy]

11 hours ago, GachiMuchi said:

 

I think we are referring to different things here.

 

What TS is referring to is his fear of and his urge to step out of his closet and I am referring to that in my reply.

 

What you are referring is your jaded view of the gay community and those whom are out, proud and loud and the kind of lifestyle they are into.

 

Your reference are mainly those in the gay scene, but there are actually those whom are non scene, whom are comfortable with themselves as gay men whom are not into the gay party or club scene.  So usually you won't see them hanging out in bars, clubs, etc. They might occasionally go clubbing or bars, etc. but not the regulars scene faces. 

 

The Singapore gay scene can be very brutal for the uninitiated. One don't have to go far, just open any gay apps and you get all myriads of different types or "characters“ online.

 

Anyway, all the best to TS. Your fear is founded but if you let your fear cripple you, you would have led a really miserable life if always wondering "what if..."

Thanks for putting things in a more structured way.  As in all discussions, it's worthwhile to put up definitions.  "A person who is hiding the fact that they [sic] are gay has been described as in the closet.". In the other hand, "Coming out of the closet, often shortened to coming out, is a metaphor for people's self-disclosure of their sexual orientation." 

If you draft a letter or announce it on your Facebook, can you explain to me what benefit would it bring to let homophobic friends, relatives, classmates and colleagues know about it?  It's akin to mass marketing, you're just blaring out to everyone.  For all I see, there's little to no strategy there, except to show that you're lazy, careless or both. 

 

Is there a middle road?  The middle road would be to manage your disclosure.  How about choosing to disclose you're gay to only a select number audience?  That would be being discreet.  By being discreet, you reveal your sexual orientation to who you want to.  I'm sure you can meet a lot of other discreet people too.  And from my experience, I prefer discreet people.  Not only are do they tend to keep their mouths shut about themselves, they also practice that when it comes their friends' sexual orientation and other sensitive information.

 

 

Edited October 8, 2020 by FattChoy

[doncoin]

As a mid-40 year old man, I will say to take your time to come out when you are ready. 

 

In addition, make sure you are financially independent. The reason I state this is that in Singapore, most children still stay with their parents. The last thing you want is to be kicked out/disowned or any one of those dramatics. So in the event something this drastic happens, you have the financial resources to have shelter and food.

 

As many recommended, start making friends with people who are LGBT and straight allies. They will be your support system when you come out. They will love and accept you as you are. 

[FattChoy]

Pretty sad reading about the rugby guy.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/54457018

 

[Hello98]

I have the same though as you as well and also am in the same situation. I think i am in the same age gap as you. Maybe we can connect. 

[TPYmuscle69]

My advice: don’t let anyone pressure you into coming out if you’re not ready. Also, if you’re still not out means you can be sort of like an undercover. You’ll be amazed by the sheer absurdity what the str8 people think about, and what they do to GLBT people. 

[Guest Well]

...I'm sorry to disturb this old thread, and invite potentially-unwanted attention, but.. on the off chance that you still lurk around, or somehow see this, I just wanted to say I hope you're doing well.

 

..I haven't been feeling 100% these few days. Somehow came back to this thread, and re-reading its relatively-wholesome material has brought a bit of light back in. ..I hope it has done the same, to anyone out there who needed to see it.