how do you deal with your parents who practise favorism

[Guest Guest]

any idea. how to handle them

[Guest Try and see]

Growing up, my mum always seemed to favour a certain younger cousin of mine. She was always praising him, as if she wished my cousin was her son instead of me. And it didn't help that my cousin is overall a very smart and neat person, who is generally polite, etc.

So he was literally perfect and immaculate in the eyes of my mum.

 

Even until now, a few years ago (we are all adults now), I casually mentioned to my mum one saturday that I had whatsapp-ed my cousin something.

And she immediately went: "Don't disturb him, lah. Maybe he is busy working."  🙄🙄

 

Anyway, growing up, I used to be very pissed about it, but now I realised that I can never change my mum's opinion and thinking.

 

The only thing I can do is to be good to myself, and enjoy life. Don't let other people's behaviour spoil your fun, even if that other person is a parent. 

Also, that cousin and I are very close. I made sure I did not let my mum's favouritism ruin my relationship with him.

Side note: Seems like women are usually more prone to showing favouritism than men. Just my opinion.

[Guest Cut trim disown]

Move out when you older. And cut contact. 

[Guest Try and see]

To add, my mum would reprimand me non-stop while I was growing up, while always singing the praises of my cousin.

So for a long time, I grew up with very lousy self-esteem, and always felt I was worth less than my cousin. It took me many years to get over it.

 

One time years ago, because she quarrelled very badly with my father, she left the house to stay with my maternal grandparents. It so happened that that following weekend was that cousin's 3rd birthday. 

 

So after my mum came back home a few days later, she couldn't stop telling me about how delightful the birthday party was at the grandparents' house. Of course, my father did not bring me there so being a small kid at that time, I could not attend.

So apart from the emotional trauma of my mum leaving the house when I was still a very small kid, I had the added painful knowledge that during her absence, she thorougly enjoyed herself at my cousin's birthday party.

 

The emotional hurt of the whole event lasted for many years after that.

Which is why even though I am still filial to my mum now, I don't go on holidays with her.

 

[Guest Try and see]

On 6/10/2022 at 10:33 PM, Guest Cut trim disown said:

Move out when you older. And cut contact. 

 

I don't recommend severing ties, but moving out may be one option. 

Sometimes, it can help to maintain an emotional and physical distance from the hurtful parent.

 

But whatever you do, don't confront them or force them to apologise for their favouritism. Parents, and especially Asian parents, will never apologise to their kids.

So you'll end up feeling more hurt and bitter. Also, forcing them to apologise for their favouritism somehow makes you look like the bad guy, despite everything that you've suffered.

 

Just don't be so close to the hurtful parent. I believe they will feel it and realise when they get old.

[auscent]

Try to keep a distance.

[Steve5380]

On 6/10/2022 at 10:13 AM, Guest Try and see said:

 

I don't recommend severing ties, but moving out may be one option. 

Sometimes, it can help to maintain an emotional and physical distance from the hurtful parent.

 

But whatever you do, don't confront them or force them to apologise for their favouritism. Parents, and especially Asian parents, will never apologise to their kids.

So you'll end up feeling more hurt and bitter. Also, forcing them to apologise for their favouritism somehow makes you look like the bad guy, despite everything that you've suffered.

 

Just don't be so close to the hurtful parent. I believe they will feel it and realise when they get old.

 

I would also not recommend severing ties.  This can be very hurtful for your mom.  But what any mother deserves,  being Asian or Caucasian or Indian or whatever, is that she hears from her children comments about the good or bad job she did as mother.  Tell your mom what you told us,  not in an angry accusatory way, but as a matter-of-fact.  Don't get angry if she doesn't apologize.  But whenever she comes out again praising your younger cousin,  then yes, then remind her of how miserable she made you feel throughout your childhood, and ask her firmly to stop that.

[Guest Cut cut cut]

On 6/10/2022 at 11:13 PM, Guest Try and see said:

 

I don't recommend severing ties, but moving out may be one option. 

Sometimes, it can help to maintain an emotional and physical distance from the hurtful parent.

 

But whatever you do, don't confront them or force them to apologise for their favouritism. Parents, and especially Asian parents, will never apologise to their kids.

So you'll end up feeling more hurt and bitter. Also, forcing them to apologise for their favouritism somehow makes you look like the bad guy, despite everything that you've suffered.

 

Just don't be so close to the hurtful parent. I believe they will feel it and realise when they get old.

Nah keeping the ties is more hurtful la. 

 

Clean cut. No feeling. No obligation. 

 

Go and live a happy life.

 

Discard negative stuff

[Steve5380]

On 6/10/2022 at 9:32 PM, Guest Cut cut cut said:

Nah keeping the ties is more hurtful la. 

 

Clean cut. No feeling. No obligation. 

 

Go and live a happy life.

 

Discard negative stuff

 

This is how you feel today.  There is no guarantee that you will feel the same in 20 or 30 years, or after she is gone. 

 

If you are not a child anymore and you are able to cut ties...   how can she keep hurting you?   Aren't you much younger, stronger, independent than her?  Isn't it that parents reach a "second childhood" and then become dependent on their children?  

 

Who will then care for her after you "cut ties" because you are still so vulnerable to "get hurt" ?   Shouldn't you instead grow up?

[Guest samesame]

On 6/12/2022 at 1:52 AM, Steve5380 said:

 

This is how you feel today.  There is no guarantee that you will feel the same in 20 or 30 years, or after she is gone. 

 

If you are not a child anymore and you are able to cut ties...   how can she keep hurting you?   Aren't you much younger, stronger, independent than her?  Isn't it that parents reach a "second childhood" and then become dependent on their children?  

 

Who will then care for her after you "cut ties" because you are still so vulnerable to "get hurt" ?   Shouldn't you instead grow up?

I cut ties with toxic parents 10+ years ago and have never lived better. In this twisted reality of mine, the only way I can be filial and not continue to get myself hurt is to put distance between us. All the best!

[fab]

On 6/10/2022 at 9:50 PM, Guest Guest said:

any idea. how to handle them

 

If u can, forgive them.

 

If u cunt, practise favoritism to them eg by giving them an equivalent fraction of allowance to the ratio of how they favour your siblings. 

Edited June 12, 2022 by fab

[Guest Unfavourite]

My parent’s favourite is my elder sister since young, always cook whatever she likes to eat and sets aside food for her. For me is eat whatever is available and what is left over. Sister also gets the whole room to herself while i sleep on the couch. I come back from overseas posting for months don’t even look at me when i step in the door, my sister stay at hostel come back once a week will run to the door to greet her and cook all her favourite food, clean her room, wash & iron all her clothes, guess what i have to do myself. Am I the unfavoured?