Avoidant Ex

[memyselfandi]

I recently went through a breakup with my avoidant ex, and it feels like my entire world has collapsed. At that time, I didn’t even know what “attachment styles” were. I just thought love, patience, and compromise would be enough. I gave in almost every time, tried to adapt to his moods, and bent myself in ways that broke me, just to keep us together. But no matter what I did, it always ended the same way—distance, walls, silence.

It’s only now, after the breakup, that I learned about avoidant attachment. And it was like a cruel lightbulb moment—everything suddenly made sense, but only when it was already too late. I wish I had understood earlier, because I would have tried to approach things differently. The most painful part is knowing that despite all of this, we did love each other deeply. It wasn’t a lack of love that destroyed us—it was the way he was wired to pull away, and the way I kept trying to close the gap.

What absolutely shattered me was how quickly he moved on. Within weeks, he was already hooking up with other people. Probably more than one. To me, it felt like the relationship we had meant nothing. How could he let go of something so intense, so quickly, while I’m left here picking up the pieces? It makes me question if any of it was real, or if I was just fooling myself all along. That thought is enough to rip me apart inside.

The only reason I’m still here is because of the few true friends who stood by me in this mess. There were nights I wanted to give up completely, to disappear and not wake up. The pain was that unbearable. My friends pulled me back each time, reminding me that I still mattered even if he made me feel like I didn’t.

But the truth is, I’m still broken. I still wake up every day with the weight of it all on my chest. I still replay our moments, the love we had, and wonder how it all turned into this. I still feel discarded, like I was so easy to replace. Writing this here is my way of letting some of it out, because it’s too heavy to carry silently anymore.

Has anyone else gone through this with an avoidant partner? How do you survive when the person you loved deeply moves on so easily, while you’re left drowning in grief? How do you live with the feeling that love wasn’t enough?

If you’ve been through this too, I want you to know—you’re not alone in this kind of pain.

[doncoin]

It takes 2 to make a relationship work, and you figure out the dynamics. From what you've shared, the relationship seemed one-sided, on your part. You are the one giving in, bending over, making the effort to make the relationship work. Sometimes, you need to acknowledge to yourself that it is not working. You give, he takes, there is no reciprocity. Breakups are a crystallization process. It helps us learn more about ourselves, and how we want our next relationship to be like.  

 

Grieving over the loss of a relationship is normal. Give yourself all the time you need to grieve. Well, what you are feeling is that your love has been rejected, and it is hurtful. However, the problem is not you. He is not ready to receive. your love, hence the rejection. You cannot force that upon him, or anyone. It hurts now, but you the pain will end some day. Just don't act out of insecurities or your worst impulses. 

[cbm]

@memyselfandi thanks for sharing. Let me give you a nice big hug. 🫂

 

Like your ex, my attachment style is avoidant too. I do feel deeply, but tend to guard my emotions alot.

 

It seems that he wasn't comfortable enough to open up his emotions and be vulnerable with you. That's not on you.

 

I think that what looks like him having moved on quickly might be his way of distracting his emotions; keep himself busy from processing the breakup.

 

Emotional pain really sucks. Go and do things that comfort you or bring you joy. You'll heal eventually. 

 

 

[memyselfandi]

He showed vulnerability sometimes, and I know I made mistakes too. But his ego always came first, even above our love. Fine—if he wants to hook up with whoever he wants, I’ll live wilder, play harder, and put myself first.

[Steve5380]

1 hour ago, memyselfandi said:

He showed vulnerability sometimes, and I know I made mistakes too. But his ego always came first, even above our love. Fine—if he wants to hook up with whoever he wants, I’ll live wilder, play harder, and put myself first.

 

I think that what defined your EX was his IGNORANCE.   Ignorance of how other people with whom he interacted in a relationship felt.  Ignorant of the pain he caused.  To be cured from this he needs to experience the same feelings himself.

 

But he could have been worse:  a perverted mass murderer, for example,  with a compulsion to kill those who he came emotionally in contact with!

 

Now what matters is that you recover from his actions.  To put yourself first is not bad,  while you don't hurt the feelings of others.

[memyselfandi]

He’s not a bad person actually, it’s more about his mindset. The problem is he doesn’t listen to others, even when it’s for his own good. He always wanted a sense of security from a partner, but at the same time he couldn’t provide that security himself. He even admitted that some of his close friends told him the same thing.

I’ve always reminded him that no human being is 100% perfect. In our relationship, there was no betrayal, and for other issues I was always willing to compromise. To truly love someone is to accept them fully — sometimes the very imperfections in a person can end up being what makes them perfect in your eyes.

[robin]

2 people coming together is similar to an job interview. If applicant is not hired, he needs to understand from a hirer’s perspective; most cases, it is not because he is not good. It’s simply a mismatch. Period. No need to have hard feelings, just learn to improve your shortlisting skills & move on. 

[G_ZK]

speaking from personal experience: sometime after a breakup, no matter who is right or wrong, we just need closure. but it is not helping when ex decided to ghost u & never give u the closure u need.

 

while it might sound like 'jiao wei' to you, time do heal. give yourself time to heal & move on. after 3years, i just had an eureka moment & realize there is really no point holding on to him emotionally any longer, esp when he has already moved on. i just learn & accept that i will never get the answer i want to know & accept this might be the closure i was seeking.

 

sometime, it really feels better after a cry. else harbouring on negative feeling is akin to drinking poison & hoping the other person will die or take pity on you, which u know he already no longer care for you.

 

glad u have friends supporting u during this difficult season.

 

life is too short to waste on someone who will never return.

 

i believe you are strong enough to overcome this & come back stronger. virtual hugs.

[cutejack]

1 hour ago, G_ZK said:

speaking from personal experience: sometime after a breakup, no matter who is right or wrong, we just need closure. but it is not helping when ex decided to ghost u & never give u the closure u need.

 

while it might sound like 'jiao wei' to you, time do heal. give yourself time to heal & move on. after 3years, i just had an eureka moment & realize there is really no point holding on to him emotionally any longer, esp when he has already moved on. i just learn & accept that i will never get the answer i want to know & accept this might be the closure i was seeking.

 

sometime, it really feels better after a cry. else harbouring on negative feeling is akin to drinking poison & hoping the other person will die or take pity on you, which u know he already no longer care for you.

 

glad u have friends supporting u during this difficult season.

 

life is too short to waste on someone who will never return.

 

i believe you are strong enough to overcome this & come back stronger. virtual hugs.

True that.

" no point holding on him emotionally."

Been there done that.  At a certain age like 40s or 50s, u will come to a stage where u no longer need anyone to be with u. U will be tired finding one.

I met many in 40s n 50s who are like what I've mentioned above when I was in my 30s n started my gay life N now I realise its normal, parts n parcels of life.

Give yourself time dude! Time heals everything.

[memyselfandi]

Thanks everyone for the comfort. Whatever happens, it’s part of life. I don’t usually share my problems — I’m normally the one listening to others — but sometimes you just need a space to rant.

 

This relationship felt different. Of all the people I’ve been with, he made me feel like he was truly “the one.” I’ve never felt that before. I guess I just need time to heal. I never expected this when I opened my heart.

[AskMeNot]

The avoidant will always go round in circles. They cannot handle themselves. Even if he is with other guys, remember, they will also go through the same cycle as you have, if they get together, unless he works on himself and heal.

 

Unfortunately, they will never experience life fully. Turn your hate and jealousy into compassion, and move on to someone else better waiting for you at the other side of the rainbow.

[memyselfandi]

What mentioned was true. His past relationship was never long. I would say he is a person who is self centered. Besides that, what mentioned by him was also very contradicting with what he is doing. 

[doncoin]

13 hours ago, memyselfandi said:

What mentioned was true. His past relationship was never long. I would say he is a person who is self centered. Besides that, what mentioned by him was also very contradicting with what he is doing. 

 

 

So the problem is not you. It's him. He needs to go clean up his own shit, and grow up emotionally. You can't force that growth. He has to do the work himself. 

[AskMeNot]

Yes, and even if he has friends they are really merely superficial, not the kind they can share life with and grow together. They have little capacity to process emotions. How can you have a great friendship with someone without emotional bonding?

 

At best, they only have activity friends, good for mahjong, concerts, dinners. People come and go easily in their life.

[memyselfandi]

After reflecting over the past few days, I’ve decided it’s best to move on for my own good. People around me have been telling me the same, reminding me that the problem wasn’t entirely mine. I didn’t want them to just hear one side, so I shared the other side of the story too. Most of them could see the toxic patterns that had been happening. Of course, I admit there were times I was in the wrong as well. But ultimately, his ego and pride made it impossible for things to improve.

[cbm]

I just want to state that there are only a few attachment styles, which means a considerable number of people would be the avoidant type and that not all avoidant type people are bad/toxic. They may have been hurt in the past, which leads them to become avoidant. 

 

Attachment styles are not fixed and can change. It's about compatibility.

[memyselfandi]

Yes it can be changed. However, it also depends on how open the perspn to accept and willing to change. Ego and stubborn ones won't even bother to listen n change. 

 

Anyway, talked to someone who experienced what I'm experiencing a year ago. Being told and shared on how to overcome really opens up my mind. I'm finally willing to let go and move on.

 

Blessed to have kind soul appear. Have a great weekend everyone