Vent Out Heartbreak

[Ventus]

I'm 39yo closeted, non of my close friend know that I have interest in guy. and I do not really have a very close gay or bi friend to listen my ranting. Recently encounter a heartbreak, so the option left for me, is to write here, so here the story.

 

I met a guy on Jack'd who used the alias - Vincent. We had been chatting on the app for more than 2 months before he sent his pic, knowing his ethnicity and eventually a meet up near his place. Although I am discreet, but I will display my pic and share the details of my height - 1.74m, weight - 78kg and role - side. Vincent was the one started the conversation, and his profile only got the nick - J and his age - 31. After chatting for near to 2 weeks, I decided to ask for his ethnicity, as I still prefer Chinese and thankfully he was, then after few more weeks, he asked to trade pic. We exchanged pic, and he was visually okay looking, skinny build - 64kg and tall - 1.8m. I did shared with him my full body pic and told him I was fat. before we exchange contact to chat on WhatsApp.

 

We had chatted on WhatsApp for about 1 week before we decided to meet up. So we exchanged our real name, and when we asked each other job, he was working in audit industry, and I was jobless even till now approximately more than a year, but previously I was in IT, I choose to resign but that another story. At the time I lied to him that I was working as admin as I afraid he might think I will leech on him, but even till now I still can feed myself though my saving is running a little dry. When I know his full time, I did googled to find out more about him and aware he is a manager working in big 4 which make me hesitant to meet him as I was jobless and I unable to provide financial security. After a week of chatting, I decided to meet him up since he asked me for dinner, but the meet up was impromptu, we meet up nearby his place around 9pm.

 

During the meet up, we went to somewhere nearby his place sit down and chat. While walking, somehow the chemistry was there, I decided to hold his hand and he never let go. So we find a place to sit down and had a very long chat last till 12am+. I did come clean to him that I googled him and I did lie to him about my job. So he did share with me he dislike people to lie, and we did promise to be truthful. During the chat, we did kissed and he lean on me and sit very close to me, I did enjoy the moment. Then he asked me to slim down which I am fine with it, and I really put in effort to slim down during 3 months going out with him, I dropped from 84kg to 78kg. And I also asked him to do something with his bad breath, as the breath did spoil the kissing.

 

From here onwards I will try to cut the story short else it will become very episodic.

 

In our 2nd meet up, we met near my place. We held hands when there was less people around and we walked to the park nearby and sat down at the grass patch near the river side. We chatted a lot, we decided to meet up at least once a week and whenever our eyes meet we would shared a kiss, then we did talked about Jack'd. Actually I kind of regret, I should told him we should deleted our profiles and the app. Instead of that I told him even deleted, if you want to go play, you will re-install and create profile again. And I also did asked him so what status we were, whether he wanted a open relationship, since he was younger than me. He said he will not opt for a open relationship, and will not meet anyone while meeting me, he want monogamous, and as of now he will take thing slowly with me which I agreed. At that time, I never confirm with him, even if we take thing slowly, what status we were. So i assumed that we were exclusive. As time goes by, my love for him keep growing, but for him I not sure.

 

We went for a few more dates before I went for travel and he went back to his home country for visiting. During our dates, we did kissed a lot when nobody around and held hands, sometime he would walked very closely to me and hold my hand near to his tummy. Even in a restaurant, we held hands under the table when nobody looking or we sit side by side. And I did plan many things to do with him but unfortunately unable to fulfill. Our meet ups, we never have sex but we did touch one another whenever we kisses. But one of the date, he took the initiative to held my hands and openly in a super market. I was surprised, so I did asked him why so sudden, he told me he prefer someone who was aggressive. We was having dinner at a place surrounded with many Hotel 81, so when I walked him home, I asked him wanted to go hotel? He asked me whether I wanted to go, I told him yes but I was planning to have our 1st time at a better hotel. Somehow I was regretted that maybe I should be more aggressive, cause somehow our 1st time become the last time.

 

After 2 months had passed, I was away for a short trip and he planned going back for home visit at the same time, so that our next meet up will not be affected or dragged too long. During this period, when we chatted on WhatsApp, I could feel his response was liked trying very hard to entertain me or to be honest I had this feeling way before the period. 99% of the times I was the one to initiate the chat, as he told me before he don't like to play mind games. Maybe I was a boring person, I not very good in chatting on messenger, or he find it bore that I only say 'Good Morning', 'Have your lunch?' 'Ended work?' 'Good Night'. As time passed I was so reluctant to message him and want to give up. But when we meet up, he was so different as compare to the vibe in message.

 

So eventually I sensed something. I launched Jack'd which I had not login for very long time, somehow I unable to find his profile. I was fluttered, thinking he was serious in the relationship and deleted his profile. But my instinct told me otherwise, i created another profile without any pic and found a profile which seemed to be him though there is no display or much information. I said Hi to that profile and subsequently went for our 2nd last date. On our 2nd last date, I could sense his disinterest, he kept yawning while on the way to the place, but same as previous we did held hand when I walk him home but only kiss once as there was too many people on the road that day. After I reached back home, that profile asked wanted to trade pic, I traded pic with the person using someone picture. I was begging in my head was not him, but my heart break when saw his pic. He using another alias to intro himself, not Vincent, another name.

 

At the moment, I started to think back what he said, and realized he blocked my real account which I could not found his profile. I started to think who exactly he was. He gave me the good boy vibe, and he mentioned he would not meet anyone if he seeing someone. He wanted to meet up for fun with my fake account, and he shared that he had never met anyone so far for anything. That's make my heartbreak, which made me start think what am I to him, am I so embarrassed to be included part of his history. What the kissing and holding hands was all about, what he said he really meant it and etc., so I really don't know what he said was real or fake. He even wanted to invite my fake account to his place for fun, which hurt me too. As i had asked to go to his place few times, but he will find many reasons for it.

 

Our last meet up, we had dinner at same place surrounded by Hotel 81. That day I was prepared he will no longer want to see me, I was very upset that day, but whenever see his puppy eyes, my heart melted. After the dinner, i decided to ask him wanna go hotel? He agreed with the idea, but that day none of us got physical identity, we thought could using Singpass. Eventually we had our 1st and last fun at a quiet toilet, which not something I planned for. We stripped naked, hugged and kissed one another, but he stopped after about 20mins, as the toilet was too humid, we sweat a lot. After that we dressed back, and went to some place to sit down. So the conversation came, he told me we had been going out for 3 months, he got no feeling for me. I try to keep my composure, i told him yes I knew it based on our conversation on WhatsApp, and he blocked me on Jack'd. I don't know whether he was shocked that I aware that he blocked me, but he told me he never blocked me, well I don't know. So we continue our conversation, I told if not let's be friend, i told my hidden agenda and told him if friend let's put the effort to meet at least once a month. If cannot meet, then need to provide alternative date. So we agreed to meet on this month, I not so sure whether we will meet or he will choose to not reply me. I did shared with him, if he really do not want to meet as friend, he could told me so, although my feeling will be hurt but better than MIA treatment. 

 

Till now, I still have very strong feeling for him, every time i think back was there something I overdo or something about me never met his expectation. Blaming myself why I do not have a place. Of course, I kept thinking what was I to him, what was our relationship?  Dating - not, LTR - not, FWB - not (he told me he not into FWB). I was so confused. And keep thinking back all the words he said, how much was really true. Now I am waiting to see whether he will meet me this month, I okay for him to say he unable to make it and really hope he act like a adult instead of MIA when I WhatsApp him.

 

After this unknown relationship, I started to think if I seeking long term relationship, should I just welcome anyone along the way, ignoring my preference? I know I do not have the build or the look to be picky, but I really do not know. I am not asking for super charming guy with super hot bod or someone with kpop idol charisma. I do not have high standard.

 

Edited August 6 by Ventus

[Guest Te guest]

Every relationship is a gamble, what you bet is time,energy, money,emotion.

After so many failed attempts I decided it was not worth it,maybe peace is a better choice for some people.

 

Of course if meet someone that click instantly it would be great,but that is extremely rare,we are not living a drama or fairytale.

 

But you do learn a lot in this relationship right? From what i read i feel like you should be more confident with yourself, your net worth or job is not the actual worth of you as a person,after this break up try to learn more about yourself, self respect and self love.

 

Like many relationship, straight or gay, you guys are just not compatible, it should hurt less since you guys only dated for a few months, consider it a blessing

[Ventus]

Hi Guest Te guest. Thanks for the words.

 

Yes i do learn a lot but I think what I being hurt the most was by a guy who mentioned trust and loyalty were important, end up still chatting and dating people in the app. I rather he ended way more early instead of keep showing affection when we were on a date which make me seriously wonder what did he want. 

 

 

[doncoin]

@Ventus I appreciate your candour, but a few red flags stood out.

First, asking you to lose weight. Your body is your choice. Someone you were only casually dating should not make you feel that you need to change physically to earn a relationship. Granted, you also asked him to address his smoking and bad breath, but that turned the connection into a negotiation over what each of you needed to change.

Objectively, the relationship did not really progress. It gave you enough affection and intimacy to sustain hope, but there was no clear commitment. You initiated almost all the conversations, while he remained inconsistent and continued using Jack’d despite telling you he wanted monogamy. Creating a fake profile to test him was also unhealthy, but it shows that trust had already broken down.

The clearest thing he told you was that after three months, he had no romantic feelings. Painful as that is, you should take that at face value. Staying friends while secretly hoping he changes his mind will likely prolong the hurt. Fact is, he is not really into you, and for some f-ked up reason, he did not have the balls to tell you so, or maybe even admit to himself till much later. People like that prioritise optics than truth. It is more important on how things look, than how things really are.  

Do not conclude that you must ignore your preferences because of your looks, weight or employment status. The real issue was not that you were too picky. It was that the relationship was ambiguous, one-sided and emotionally unequal.

You deserve someone whose interest is clear, consistent and mutual.

 

 

Edited August 6 by doncoin

[Ventus]

@doncoin Thanks for the words and straight to the points. Yes I was aware of the red flags.

 

When I created a fake profile to find him, I'm already aware of the unhealthiness. Curiosity indeed kill a cat. At that moment I did hope he had the balls to tell me in 1 of our date that he got no feeling for me and was continuing look out at Jack'd. And doing that I no longer ME anymore, not the person I should be.

 

If I aware those 3 months was a trial, I will control my affection towards him and at the very least it will not hurt that bad. And what worst was the 2nd last date, he took my gifts which I bought from the trips and we still talking what we planning to do in the following months. I keep thinking in my mind that why feeling could gone so fast.

 

I did aware the circle, but my inner self do really desire for serious commitment, but somehow it getting more like a fantasy. When in love with someone, I unable to control my affection, but I do know boundary. What really hurt when in his mind this relationship was a trial.

Edited August 6 by Ventus

[Guest CockWorshipper]

Hi Ventus, I read what you wrote, and I just want to say this gently: you don’t sound like a bad person at all. You sound like someone very sincere, very thoughtful, and maybe someone who feels things deeply, sometimes so deeply that your mind starts working overtime and hurts you even more.

 

I think you really liked him, and because the connection felt warm in person like holding hands, kissing, leaning close, spending time together; it naturally made you hope it meant something more. So when his actions later didn’t match what he said, of course it hurt. Anyone would feel confused. But I also hope you can be kinder to yourself. Not every ending means you were not good enough. Sometimes the other person simply isn’t ready, isn’t clear, or isn’t able to give the same level of feeling back.

 

Try not to “test the water” too much next time. Creating another profile to check on him may have given you the truth, but it also made the pain sharper. Sometimes curiosity becomes self-punishment. If someone’s behaviour already makes you anxious, that is already information. You don’t always need to dig until it destroys you. Also, honesty is really important. The job lie may have come from fear, not bad intention, but lies tend to grow. One small lie often needs a bigger lie to cover it. And once trust is shaken, people may start having second thoughts, even if they liked you at first. Next time, you don’t need to reveal everything immediately, but you can say something simple and honest like, “I’m currently taking a break from work and figuring out my next step.” That is enough.

 

Another thing, try not to make things too heavy too fast. Asking about relationship status, exclusivity, open relationship, app deletion, future expectations; these are valid questions, but timing matters. Some people get scared when things feel complicated too early. Take it slow. Let consistency show itself before giving your whole heart. 

 

For the next date, maybe try focusing on these:

• Be honest from the start, but don’t over-explain.
• Don’t chase too hard. If you are always initiating, pause and see if he also reaches out.
• Don’t assume exclusivity unless both clearly agree.
• Don’t compare yourself too harshly because of age, body, job, or housing. You are still worthy of love.
• Work on your own stability too, not just for dating, but for your own confidence and peace.
• If someone says they have no feeling, believe them, even if their past actions felt affectionate.
• Don’t stay as “friends” immediately if your feelings are still strong. Sometimes distance is kinder than pretending you are okay.

If he does not meet you this month, I hope you don’t chase for closure endlessly. Silence is also an answer, even if it is a painful and immature one. You deserve someone who is clear, steady, and proud to choose you; not someone who leaves you guessing. And about your preference: you don’t need to “welcome anyone” just because you feel you are not attractive enough to choose. Having preference is okay. But maybe keep your heart open to people who treat you well, even if they are not exactly your usual type.

 

 

You will be okay in time. Heartbreak really does take a while to heal, so don’t rush yourself or blame yourself for still feeling affected.

For now, try to keep your mind gently occupied. Pick up a new hobby, spend time with people who make you feel safe, or slowly direct your energy back to your job search. Having something meaningful to focus on can help soften the sense of loss and remind you that your life is still moving forward, even if your heart needs more time to catch up. What matters most is to take things one day at a time, and be kind to yourself while you heal.

 

Take care and stay safe, hugs.

 

 

[Ventus]

Hi Guest CockWorshipper,

 

First I would like to say thanks for the words. Honestly I not sure am I taking things too fast.

 

But he was the one who wanted to meet up, and during our 1st meet up, he was the one mentioning that he wanted to join me for my upcoming travel, and my friends were in the trip too, but at that moment in my mind I was like “Huh, we met for the 1st time only, seriously want to join my trip!”. But I did rejected him the idea at that time as we still do not know a lot about each other.

 

Then in our 2nd meet up, we walked to the riverside and then he pulled me on the grass patch to sit down. We did chatted a lot that day, I did asked him other than me whether he was meeting anyone from the app which I am fine with that if he meeting someone at least that the sign we are not exclusive, he told me no, he preferred monogamously, and told me we could delete the app together. Then he stressed to me the importance ceremonial dates such as May 20, Valentine day, Birthday and etc. I don’t even think that far, I just appreciate the moment and thinking to settle my job 1st so i could get a housing loan.

 

For our 1st dinner date, he was the one wanted me to sit beside him instead face to face. I kindly explain to him why I sit opposite of him instead side by side. And when i walked him home, we walk past a dark corner, he told me why i did not pull him to dark corner to kiss him.

 

So all these events made me thinking was i taking things too slow or too fast. Or maybe by the end of the day, he was expecting a series of thrill fun not long term relationship. I did treasure this relationship, so i really intend to take things slower since he said so, therefore i never initiated fun with him till our last date.

 

I really do not want to think things complex like one of guy who i had chatted to asking me to be his sex buddy. He told me relationship was complex it was about social sciences and behavior sciences. 

 

At least by posting my thoughts here, i did feel better. Now my major focus are looking for new job and move out from my parent.

 

 

 

 

Edited August 9 by Ventus

[Eventide]

19 hours ago, Ventus said:

I'm 39yo closeted, non of my close friend know that I have interest in guy. and I do not really have a very close gay or bi friend to listen my ranting. Recently encounter a heartbreak, so the option left for me, is to write here, so here the story.

 

I met a guy on Jack'd who used the alias - Vincent. We had been chatting on the app for more than 2 months before he sent his pic, knowing his ethnicity and eventually a meet up near his place. Although I am discreet, but I will display my pic and share the details of my height - 1.74m, weight - 78kg and role - side. Vincent was the one started the conversation, and his profile only got the nick - J and his age - 31. After chatting for near to 2 weeks, I decided to ask for his ethnicity, as I still prefer Chinese and thankfully he was, then after few more weeks, he asked to trade pic. We exchanged pic, and he was visually okay looking, skinny build - 64kg and tall - 1.8m. I did shared with him my full body pic and told him I was fat. before we exchange contact to chat on WhatsApp.

 

We had chatted on WhatsApp for about 1 week before we decided to meet up. So we exchanged our real name, and when we asked each other job, he was working in audit industry, and I was jobless even till now approximately more than a year, but previously I was in IT, I choose to resign but that another story. At the time I lied to him that I was working as admin as I afraid he might think I will leech on him, but even till now I still can feed myself though my saving is running a little dry. When I know his full time, I did googled to find out more about him and aware he is a manager working in big 4 which make me hesitant to meet him as I was jobless and I unable to provide financial security. After a week of chatting, I decided to meet him up since he asked me for dinner, but the meet up was impromptu, we meet up nearby his place around 9pm.

 

During the meet up, we went to somewhere nearby his place sit down and chat. While walking, somehow the chemistry was there, I decided to hold his hand and he never let go. So we find a place to sit down and had a very long chat last till 12am+. I did come clean to him that I googled him and I did lie to him about my job. So he did share with me he dislike people to lie, and we did promise to be truthful. During the chat, we did kissed and he lean on me and sit very close to me, I did enjoy the moment. Then he asked me to slim down which I am fine with it, and I really put in effort to slim down during 3 months going out with him, I dropped from 84kg to 78kg. And I also asked him to do something with his bad breath, as the breath did spoil the kissing.

 

From here onwards I will try to cut the story short else it will become very episodic.

 

In our 2nd meet up, we met near my place. We held hands when there was less people around and we walked to the park nearby and sat down at the grass patch near the river side. We chatted a lot, we decided to meet up at least once a week and whenever our eyes meet we would shared a kiss, then we did talked about Jack'd. Actually I kind of regret, I should told him we should deleted our profiles and the app. Instead of that I told him even deleted, if you want to go play, you will re-install and create profile again. And I also did asked him so what status we were, whether he wanted a open relationship, since he was younger than me. He said he will not opt for a open relationship, and will not meet anyone while meeting me, he want monogamous, and as of now he will take thing slowly with me which I agreed. At that time, I never confirm with him, even if we take thing slowly, what status we were. So i assumed that we were exclusive. As time goes by, my love for him keep growing, but for him I not sure.

 

We went for a few more dates before I went for travel and he went back to his home country for visiting. During our dates, we did kissed a lot when nobody around and held hands, sometime he would walked very closely to me and hold my hand near to his tummy. Even in a restaurant, we held hands under the table when nobody looking or we sit side by side. And I did plan many things to do with him but unfortunately unable to fulfill. Our meet ups, we never have sex but we did touch one another whenever we kisses. But one of the date, he took the initiative to held my hands and openly in a super market. I was surprised, so I did asked him why so sudden, he told me he prefer someone who was aggressive. We was having dinner at a place surrounded with many Hotel 81, so when I walked him home, I asked him wanted to go hotel? He asked me whether I wanted to go, I told him yes but I was planning to have our 1st time at a better hotel. Somehow I was regretted that maybe I should be more aggressive, cause somehow our 1st time become the last time.

 

After 2 months had passed, I was away for a short trip and he planned going back for home visit at the same time, so that our next meet up will not be affected or dragged too long. During this period, when we chatted on WhatsApp, I could feel his response was liked trying very hard to entertain me or to be honest I had this feeling way before the period. 99% of the times I was the one to initiate the chat, as he told me before he don't like to play mind games. Maybe I was a boring person, I not very good in chatting on messenger, or he find it bore that I only say 'Good Morning', 'Have your lunch?' 'Ended work?' 'Good Night'. As time passed I was so reluctant to message him and want to give up. But when we meet up, he was so different as compare to the vibe in message.

 

So eventually I sensed something. I launched Jack'd which I had not login for very long time, somehow I unable to find his profile. I was fluttered, thinking he was serious in the relationship and deleted his profile. But my instinct told me otherwise, i created another profile without any pic and found a profile which seemed to be him though there is no display or much information. I said Hi to that profile and subsequently went for our 2nd last date. On our 2nd last date, I could sense his disinterest, he kept yawning while on the way to the place, but same as previous we did held hand when I walk him home but only kiss once as there was too many people on the road that day. After I reached back home, that profile asked wanted to trade pic, I traded pic with the person using someone picture. I was begging in my head was not him, but my heart break when saw his pic. He using another alias to intro himself, not Vincent, another name.

 

At the moment, I started to think back what he said, and realized he blocked my real account which I could not found his profile. I started to think who exactly he was. He gave me the good boy vibe, and he mentioned he would not meet anyone if he seeing someone. He wanted to meet up for fun with my fake account, and he shared that he had never met anyone so far for anything. That's make my heartbreak, which made me start think what am I to him, am I so embarrassed to be included part of his history. What the kissing and holding hands was all about, what he said he really meant it and etc., so I really don't know what he said was real or fake. He even wanted to invite my fake account to his place for fun, which hurt me too. As i had asked to go to his place few times, but he will find many reasons for it.

 

Our last meet up, we had dinner at same place surrounded by Hotel 81. That day I was prepared he will no longer want to see me, I was very upset that day, but whenever see his puppy eyes, my heart melted. After the dinner, i decided to ask him wanna go hotel? He agreed with the idea, but that day none of us got physical identity, we thought could using Singpass. Eventually we had our 1st and last fun at a quiet toilet, which not something I planned for. We stripped naked, hugged and kissed one another, but he stopped after about 20mins, as the toilet was too humid, we sweat a lot. After that we dressed back, and went to some place to sit down. So the conversation came, he told me we had been going out for 3 months, he got no feeling for me. I try to keep my composure, i told him yes I knew it based on our conversation on WhatsApp, and he blocked me on Jack'd. I don't know whether he was shocked that I aware that he blocked me, but he told me he never blocked me, well I don't know. So we continue our conversation, I told if not let's be friend, i told my hidden agenda and told him if friend let's put the effort to meet at least once a month. If cannot meet, then need to provide alternative date. So we agreed to meet on this month, I not so sure whether we will meet or he will choose to not reply me. I did shared with him, if he really do not want to meet as friend, he could told me so, although my feeling will be hurt but better than MIA treatment. 

 

Till now, I still have very strong feeling for him, every time i think back was there something I overdo or something about me never met his expectation. Blaming myself why I do not have a place. Of course, I kept thinking what was I to him, what was our relationship?  Dating - not, LTR - not, FWB - not (he told me he not into FWB). I was so confused. And keep thinking back all the words he said, how much was really true. Now I am waiting to see whether he will meet me this month, I okay for him to say he unable to make it and really hope he act like a adult instead of MIA when I WhatsApp him.

 

After this unknown relationship, I started to think if I seeking long term relationship, should I just welcome anyone along the way, ignoring my preference? I know I do not have the build or the look to be picky, but I really do not know. I am not asking for super charming guy with super hot bod or someone with kpop idol charisma. I do not have high standard.

 

 

apparently it sounded like you are very clingy and controlling which is a red flag for most gays

 

you also seems to be not his type as based on the statistics he is slim tall, while you are obese so it was a mismatch right from the start

 

next time trust your instincts and let go early to move on

 

learn from your rejections and become stronger

Edited August 7 by Eventide

[Ventus]

@Eventide Indeed I did think myself whether am I clingy and controlling, but I never insist him to call or meet everyday, or do anything which I wanted. He wanted to met near his place, wanted to watch the movie he interested, I would went for it. If he said he tired, we will either took a ride or walk back to his place. And he was the one who brought up relationship topic instead of me.

 

Regards messaging, he was the one told me he did not like mind gamer, as he met someone before, stop message him and test whether he will reply him back. 

 

I did meet someone who was really clingy and controlling before, will text me every hours to meet at his place even though i was really very busy at that point of time.

 

Yes i do admit that i am obese, i did hesitate whether we should continue to meet when he said he was frequent gymer, as that was a sign.

 

But thanks for your words, at least you not the type of the person who beat around the bush unlike him and keep asking me to guess. I rather he be as straight forward as you, if do not like we just sit down talk like adult and end it, no need to be a Mr nice guy while you are not.

Edited August 8 by Ventus

[Damienzo]

On 8/7/2026 at 12:52 AM, doncoin said:

@Ventus I appreciate your candour, but a few red flags stood out.

First, asking you to lose weight. Your body is your choice. Someone you were only casually dating should not make you feel that you need to change physically to earn a relationship. Granted, you also asked him to address his smoking and bad breath, but that turned the connection into a negotiation over what each of you needed to change.

Objectively, the relationship did not really progress. It gave you enough affection and intimacy to sustain hope, but there was no clear commitment. You initiated almost all the conversations, while he remained inconsistent and continued using Jack’d despite telling you he wanted monogamy. Creating a fake profile to test him was also unhealthy, but it shows that trust had already broken down.

The clearest thing he told you was that after three months, he had no romantic feelings. Painful as that is, you should take that at face value. Staying friends while secretly hoping he changes his mind will likely prolong the hurt. Fact is, he is not really into you, and for some f-ked up reason, he did not have the balls to tell you so, or maybe even admit to himself till much later. People like that prioritise optics than truth. It is more important on how things look, than how things really are.  

Do not conclude that you must ignore your preferences because of your looks, weight or employment status. The real issue was not that you were too picky. It was that the relationship was ambiguous, one-sided and emotionally unequal.

You deserve someone whose interest is clear, consistent and mutual.

 

 

Very good advice 

[Ventus]

To whoever reading it, I like to thanks the Admin and others for allowing me to continue to post here. Whether the comments were sympathy, empathy, harsh, critique, positive or negative, I am very thankful for the responses, as I do not have any gay friends who I can talk to. And I like to apologize, if some of my reply may seemed defensive, as I still human after all, but I like to thanks for the message.

 

Edited August 10 by Ventus

[CKBE-Fanz88]

Hi Ventus,

It's fine, take your time and slowly widen your circle of friends. A good place to start knowing like-minded friends might be through interest groups / activity threads on forums or apps that promote socializing / making friends. However, always exercise discretion and caution if meeting up for planned activities ya  

[ExDanielNg94]

On 8/7/2026 at 10:21 AM, Guest CockWorshipper said:

Hi Ventus, I read what you wrote, and I just want to say this gently: you don’t sound like a bad person at all. You sound like someone very sincere, very thoughtful, and maybe someone who feels things deeply, sometimes so deeply that your mind starts working overtime and hurts you even more.

 

I think you really liked him, and because the connection felt warm in person like holding hands, kissing, leaning close, spending time together; it naturally made you hope it meant something more. So when his actions later didn’t match what he said, of course it hurt. Anyone would feel confused. But I also hope you can be kinder to yourself. Not every ending means you were not good enough. Sometimes the other person simply isn’t ready, isn’t clear, or isn’t able to give the same level of feeling back.

 

Try not to “test the water” too much next time. Creating another profile to check on him may have given you the truth, but it also made the pain sharper. Sometimes curiosity becomes self-punishment. If someone’s behaviour already makes you anxious, that is already information. You don’t always need to dig until it destroys you. Also, honesty is really important. The job lie may have come from fear, not bad intention, but lies tend to grow. One small lie often needs a bigger lie to cover it. And once trust is shaken, people may start having second thoughts, even if they liked you at first. Next time, you don’t need to reveal everything immediately, but you can say something simple and honest like, “I’m currently taking a break from work and figuring out my next step.” That is enough.

 

Another thing, try not to make things too heavy too fast. Asking about relationship status, exclusivity, open relationship, app deletion, future expectations; these are valid questions, but timing matters. Some people get scared when things feel complicated too early. Take it slow. Let consistency show itself before giving your whole heart. 

 

For the next date, maybe try focusing on these:

• Be honest from the start, but don’t over-explain.
• Don’t chase too hard. If you are always initiating, pause and see if he also reaches out.
• Don’t assume exclusivity unless both clearly agree.
• Don’t compare yourself too harshly because of age, body, job, or housing. You are still worthy of love.
• Work on your own stability too, not just for dating, but for your own confidence and peace.
• If someone says they have no feeling, believe them, even if their past actions felt affectionate.
• Don’t stay as “friends” immediately if your feelings are still strong. Sometimes distance is kinder than pretending you are okay.

If he does not meet you this month, I hope you don’t chase for closure endlessly. Silence is also an answer, even if it is a painful and immature one. You deserve someone who is clear, steady, and proud to choose you; not someone who leaves you guessing. And about your preference: you don’t need to “welcome anyone” just because you feel you are not attractive enough to choose. Having preference is okay. But maybe keep your heart open to people who treat you well, even if they are not exactly your usual type.

 

 

You will be okay in time. Heartbreak really does take a while to heal, so don’t rush yourself or blame yourself for still feeling affected.

For now, try to keep your mind gently occupied. Pick up a new hobby, spend time with people who make you feel safe, or slowly direct your energy back to your job search. Having something meaningful to focus on can help soften the sense of loss and remind you that your life is still moving forward, even if your heart needs more time to catch up. What matters most is to take things one day at a time, and be kind to yourself while you heal.

 

Take care and stay safe, hugs.

 

 

 

First of all I really like what has been advised here.

 

@Ventus  

The universe is a very interesting entity. Sometimes, before you even realise it, you may cross paths with that person again. Not necessarily because you’re meant to get back together, but simply because life has a funny way of bringing people back into our orbit.

So rather than asking yourself, “How do I get him back?”, perhaps ask yourself: If I were to meet him again someday, what version of myself would I want him to see?

Hopefully, a better version of you than the person you are today. And by “better”, I don’t mean necessarily having a better job, your own place, a hotter body, or more money. Those things are great, but they aren’t what ultimately make someone attractive.

I mean becoming someone who puts himself first without being selfish; someone with healthy boundaries who knows what he deserves; someone who can communicate what is on his mind and express his feelings without being rude, demanding, or afraid of rejection. Someone who can walk away when something isn’t healthy for him, but can also stay and communicate when something is worth working through.

To me, there’s something very charismatic and confident about a person who is comfortable with himself, knows his worth, and doesn’t need someone else’s validation to feel whole. And ironically, when you become that person, you often become more attractive to the kind of people you actually want to attract.

So work on yourself — not with the goal of making him regret losing you, and not as a strategy to get him back. Do it so that if your paths cross again, you can genuinely think, “I’m proud of the person I’ve become.”

And if he happens to like that version of you too, that’s simply a bonus. 🙂

 

[kantian]

Work and focus on yourself and the right person will come along. 

[ExDanielNg94]

On the topic of heartbreak. Has anyone ever reconciled with an ex or someone you previously dated?

 

I’m curious to hear from people who have actually experienced this — especially when the first connection didn’t end badly. Maybe there were feelings on both sides, but the timing, circumstances, or where each person was emotionally just wasn’t right at that point.

 

I do understand the mindset these days of “If he chooses to reject me now, I’ll move on. I’m not going to beg someone to choose me.” And I agree that there’s a difference between having self-respect and chasing someone who has clearly said no.

But I also wonder whether every “no” necessarily means “never.” Sometimes people grow, circumstances change, and two people can meet again at a different point in their lives with a different perspective.

Especially within the gay community, I sometimes wonder if we’re caught in an interesting cycle. A lot of guys talk about feeling lonely or struggling to find someone they genuinely connect with. Yet when a connection doesn’t work out, the advice is often “Just move on, there are plenty of other guys out there.”

Of course, there are other guys out there. But finding someone new isn’t necessarily the same as finding someone you genuinely connect with, have chemistry with, feel comfortable around, and can potentially build something meaningful with.

I’m not saying we should hold on to someone who doesn’t want us, or keep going back to someone who repeatedly hurts us. Sometimes walking away is absolutely the healthiest thing to do.

I’m more curious about those situations where nothing really went wrong between two people — perhaps it was simply the wrong person at the wrong time, or two people who weren’t ready for each other yet.

So I’m curious — has anyone here ever reconnected with an ex/date after some time apart and eventually made it work? What happened, and what made the second time different from the first?

I’d especially love to hear the stories where there was no betrayal or major falling-out — just two people who perhaps weren’t ready or weren’t in the right place at the time.

[Home_SG]

It’s time to move on. Time heals all wounds 

[GachiMuchi]

I posted your "love story" onto Deepseek and ask it to be an experience gay counsellor to analyse your experience. I like it's reply and thought I would share it here. 

 

Deepseek as counsellor reply:
As an experienced gay counsellor, I want to first acknowledge the courage it took for you to write this all out. Heartbreak, especially when it's carried in secret, is a heavy, lonely burden. The fact that you're here, analyzing and trying to make sense of it, shows a deep emotional intelligence and a desire to heal, even if it doesn't feel that way right now.

Let's break this down together, piece by piece. I'll offer an analysis from a therapeutic perspective.

### 1. The Core Issue: Mismatched Expectations and Insecurity

From the beginning, the foundation of this connection was built on uneven ground. You were entering this from a place of secrecy, job insecurity, and a deep desire for connection. He entered it—as you later discovered—from a place of active, ongoing exploration.

- **Your Investment:** You were looking for a **relationship**. You invested emotionally, physically, and even physically changed your body (losing 6kg) for him. Your actions—planning dates, initiating chats, asking for exclusivity—were all signals of a man ready for a partnership.
- **His Investment:** It appears he was looking for **a fun, intimate connection on his terms**. He enjoyed the dates, the hand-holding, and the kissing. He told you what you wanted to hear ("monogamous," "slowly") because it kept the pleasant experience going. His actions, however, (blocking you on Jack'd, chatting with other profiles, and eventually saying he "got no feeling") reveal his true intentions.

**Analysis:** You weren't on the same page. He treated the 3 months as a pleasant, no-strings-attached dating phase to see if feelings would develop. For you, those 3 months were the foundation of a future relationship. This mismatch is the primary source of your pain.

### 2. The "Lies" and the "Truth"

You came clean to him about your job and googling him—a brave move. He framed himself as someone who "dislikes liars." Yet, his actions were full of deceit.

- **The Jack'd Profile:** This is the clearest evidence of his dishonesty. He didn't just "block" you; he created a new profile to actively seek other connections. When confronted, he denied it. This is not just a white lie; this is calculated duplicity.
- **The Words vs. Actions:** He said he wanted monogamy and would take it slow. But his actions—chatting you up on a fake profile and offering to take a stranger to his place—directly contradict this.

**Analysis:** Don't fall into the trap of blaming yourself for his behavior. His actions are a reflection of *his* character, not *your* worth. He projected an image of an honest, committed man, but he was not that person.

### 3. The "Why": What It Means for You

You are asking powerful questions: *What was I to him? Was it real? What did I do wrong?*

- **What were you to him?** It's likely you were a "good thing" that came along at a time he was open for company, affection, and some intimacy. He enjoyed the affection, the dates, and the validation. He probably didn't see you as a "secret" or a "shame," but rather as a temporary connection that didn't align with his long-term goals. This is not a reflection of you being "embarrassing," it's a reflection of his inability to be emotionally available.
- **Was it real?** The moments of intimacy—the hand-holding, the kisses, the hugs—were likely real *in the moment*. He felt something in those instances. However, the *meaning* of those moments was different for each of you. For him, it was a pleasant present. For you, it was a promise of a future.
- **What did you do wrong?** Please hear me on this: **You did nothing wrong by being yourself.** You were honest about your feelings, your anxieties, and your desires. The only potential area for growth (not blame) was in the very beginning. You accepted his vague definition ("taking it slow") without clarifying the status. When he said "slowly," you heard "exclusivity." He meant "I'm not sure yet." In the future, learning to ask for concrete definitions can protect your heart: *"To me, 'taking it slow' means we are dating exclusively with the intention of seeing if a relationship works. Does that align with what you're thinking?"*

### 4. The Friend Request: A Strategy for Grief

You made a deal to meet as "friends." You even set parameters ("meet once a month"). I need to be very gentle but direct with you here.

**This is a strategy born of grief, not a healthy path forward.**

You are using this "friendship" as a lifeline to keep him in your life and preserve the *hope* that he will change his mind. Your hidden agenda is to remain close to him. This will not allow you to heal. Every time you see him, you will be re-opening the wound. He is very likely to "ghost" (MIA) because it's easier for him than managing the awkwardness of a "friend" who is clearly still in love with him.

**Actionable Advice:** Don't wait for his text. His silence *is* your answer. He has already shown you who he is and what he wants. The best way to respect yourself and the pain you're in is to start the process of letting him go. You don't need his permission or a formal goodbye to begin your healing.

### 5. The Final Question: Lowering Your Standards?

The most heartbreaking part of your letter is when you ask if you should "just welcome anyone" and that you "do not have the build or look to be picky."

I need you to pause and read this carefully: **There is a world of difference between "lowering your standards" and "expanding your perspective."**

- **Lowering your standards** means accepting bad treatment, lies, or fundamental incompatibility just to have *someone*. This is what you are contemplating, and it leads to misery.
- **Expanding your perspective** means looking beyond the "type" you might have written in your head (Chinese, etc.) and being open to different kinds of men, different builds, different ethnicities, and different life paths. You might find a wonderful man who is 1.72m and a bit stockier. You might find a beautiful connection with someone of a different background.

**You deserve a relationship where you are not a secret, where your messages are welcomed, and where you are chosen, not just entertained.** That is not a "high standard"; it is a basic standard.

### My Direct Advice to You:

1.  **Accept the Loss:** Grieve the relationship for what it was—a short, intense, and ultimately dishonest romance. Grieve the potential you saw in it. Let yourself be sad. Cry. Write more letters like this.
2.  **Reconnect with Yourself:** Your life is currently defined by this heartbreak and your joblessness. You are more than a job and more than a man who rejected you. Who are you outside of that? Reconnect with hobbies, with nature, with the parts of yourself you like. The 6kg you lost was for him. Now, focus on your health for *yourself*.
3.  **Set a Date for Action:** Give yourself a deadline. "In two weeks, I will stop checking WhatsApp for his messages. In one month, I will go to a gay-friendly social event, just to be in the community, not to find a partner."
4.  **Consider Your Closeted Status:** Being closeted is a massive emotional weight. It forces you to live dual lives and isolates you from support. While the timing for coming out is yours alone, consider whether finding even one gay or bi friend you can be honest with would help. You need a community, not just a lover.

You are worthy of love that is clear, consistent, and honest. This man was not capable of giving you that. This heartbreak is not a sign of your inadequacy; it is a sign that you are ready for something more real than a fleeting, secret romance. Start by showing yourself the same kindness and commitment you showed him.

[GachiMuchi]

Dear @Ventus,

For a 39-year-old, you came across as someone inexperienced with love, and someone with low self-worth over your appearance and your job loss.

I can't ask you to stop feeling that way, but on the bright side, the relationship motivated you to lose 6kg. I'd encourage you to keep going with the exercise, not for anyone else, but for yourself, your health, and your overall appeal. It helps. At the very least, even if they're not into your looks, they can still enjoy your body. That's why Singaporeans are called prawns. Sorry, jokes aside. I can see that you thought he was Mr. Right, but he turned out to be Mr. Wrong.

Well, that's life. You'll have to kiss many frogs before you meet a real prince and live happily ever after.

Next, I'd encourage you to expand your circle of friends and stop hiding in the closet. That doesn't mean I'm asking you to come out publicly — just to accept who you are as a gay person and go find love. Honestly, if you still don't have close gay friends or a partner by the time you hit your 40s, you could end up alone for a long time, maybe even single for the rest of your life. I know plenty of mature gay men who are single. Even when I tried to match these single friends of mine, they either say, not each other's type or not keen, etc. 

I have a friend who is in his 60s and met a guy who fits the type he wanted, but after 1 year together, the guy eventually ghost him and told him that he felt that they are not suitable. My friend was heartbroken, although he had slowly accepting the reality and recovering.

If you are still in the journey of searching for that Mr. Right, I would encourage you to soldier on and go kiss as many frogs as you can, if you must. Eventually, you will find someone who might be compatible but don't expect them to be perfect, as we are all not perfect. Find someone that can accpet you for your good and your imperfections and someone you can accept his good and his imperfections.