Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Jay went to a psychiatrist

Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it.
I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?” “A hundred dollars per visit.” “I’ll think about it.”

Jay never went back. Sometime later he met the doctor on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.” “Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: As horny as hell

A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it.

She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!"

The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon.

Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.

Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!".

The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?".

The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?",

The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A small boy is sent to bed by ...

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later:"Da..aaad"
"What"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Daa....aaad..."
"WHAT!?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water?"
I told you NO! If you ask again I'll have to spank you!"
Five minutes later.."Daaaa....aaaad!"

"When you come up to spank me can you bring a drink of water?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Watermelons

There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons.

 

After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it says "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."

So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which read: "Now there are two".
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Missing parrot...

There once was a lady who was very concerned about her missing parrot. Not knowing what to do, she called 911. "You gotta help me find my parrot!" The operator patiently replied, "We can't help you with that, ma'am. This number only deals with emergencies."

But the lady persisted, and then the operator told her not to be concerned, that the parrot should fly back in a few days.

Then, out of desperation, the lady begged, "But you don't understand! The only thing he knows how to say is, "Here, kitty, kitty!!!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A 70-year-old man has never been ...

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"

His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Eye ear doctor

A journalist walks into the hospital and tells the desk nurse, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."
"There is no such doctor" she tells him. "Perhaps you would like to see someone else?"

"No, I need to see an eye-ear doctor," he says.
"But there is no such doctor," she replies. "We have doctors for the eyes and doctors for the ear, nose and throat, but no eye-ear doctor."
No help. He repeats, "I want to see the eye-ear doctor."

They go around like this for a few minutes and then the nurse says: "Comrade, there is no eye-ear doctor, but if there were one, why would you want to see him?"
"Because," he replies, "I keep hearing one thing and seeing another."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: While taking a routine vandalism...

While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, the policeman was interrupted by a 6 year-old looking up and down his uniform, she asked. “Are you a policeman? “Yes,” he answered and continued writing the report.

 

“My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?” “Yes, that’s right, the policeman told her.

 

“Well, then,” the little girl said as she extended her foot toward him, “would you please tie my shoe?”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: She was standing in the kitchen...

She was standing in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast, wearing only the T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in almost awake, she turned and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment. My eyes lit up and I thought I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day.

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table. After wards she said, thanks and returned to the stove, her T' shirt still around her neck.

A little puzzled, I asked, 'what was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken!
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A sister and brother are talking ...

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." 
The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Who gets the present....

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Questionable morals

You may have heard the following story with Bernard Shaw but you might not have noticed its relevance to insurance.

In a party, Shaw asked a dazzling lady:
'Madam, I'm quite enchanted by your beauty. Would you be willing to spend one night with me if I offered one million dollars?'

After some initial hesitation the lady admitted that she couldn't resist the offer.
Then Shaw asked, 'How about one hundred dollar'?

The lady got very upset. 'What do you think about me?', she yelled. 'Do I look like as someone with so questionable morals?'
'Lady,' Mr. Shaw answered, 'I think, we have agreed upon that, and the only thing to clarify now is the price.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny's Chemistry...

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Flipping coin

A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers.

 

The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin...writing the answer...flipping the coin...writing the answer. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student.

 

The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying:
"Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn't even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?"

The student replies bitterly, as he is still flipping the coin: "Shhh! I am checking my answers!"

[worldangel]

Joke: It was the first day of school,...

It was the first day of school, and the first grade teacher decided to see how much her students knew about math.

“Steven, can you tell me what is 3 and 2?” Steven said, “That’s when you should watch very, very carefully before you swing at the next pitch.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: There was a man walking alone ...

There was a man walking alone along a beach. He comes across a bottle with a cork in it. The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A loud roar follows and a genie appears. The genie says to the man, "I'm a little tired today and I can only give you two wishes." 

The man says "That's OK, two is enough." "First, I would like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." 
Poof - The genie hands the man a paper and says "Here's the number to your account." 

Next the man says, "Second, I would like to be irresistible to women." 
Poof - the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

f you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Outrun

Two employees for the gas company were at a house call. The younger man said to the older one, "Geez, you're old!"
"Yeah, that may be so, but I can still outrun you," replied the older employee.

"How about a foot race to see if you're right," said the younger employee.

With that they start running at full speed around that block. The older man kept up with the younger man around the first corner, the second corner, the third corner. As they come up on the last corner, the younger man sees an elderly woman running as fast as her legs could carry her. Puzzled by this, they both stop ask her why she was running behind them.

 

The old woman caught her breath and said, "Well, you were at my home checking my gas meter, and when I saw you running away, I figured I'd better run too!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man goes to the police station...

A man goes to the police station wanting to speak to the burglar who broke into his house the night before. 

"You’ll get your chance in court," says the desk sergeant. 

"No, no, no! says the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist...

A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked that was the problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard."

Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, "Your nipples get hard?" 

"Yes" quite innocently came her reply. 

"Undress so I can check" replied the still amazed doc. 

So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer.

After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, "Well madame, I don't know what you have, but it sure as hell is contagious!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Payback

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."

"ONE CENT - that's awesome!" exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?"

"Certainly, sir, "replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money."

"How much money?" inquires the guy.

"4 cents," replies the bartender.

"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy... "Where's the Guy who owns this place?"

The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."

The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"

The bartender replies... "Same as I'm doing to his business!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Pete and Larry had not seen each ...

Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment. "I got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us." 

"Great. Where do you live?" 

"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in." 

"Good. But tell me... what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?" 

"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shipwrecked on an Island

Two men were shipwrecked near an island. When they landed ashore, one of them began screaming and yelling, "We're going to die! We're going to die! There's no food! No water! We're going to die!"

The second man leaned calmly against a palm tree. 
When the first man saw how calm his friend was, he went crazy and shouted, "Don't you understand?! We're going to die!!"Undisturbed, the second man replied, "You don't understand, I make $100,000 a week."

Dumbfounded, the first man looked at him and asked, "What difference does that make?!? We're on an island with no food and no water! We're going to DIE!!!"

The second man answered, "You just don't get it. I make $100,000 a week and I tithe ten percent on that $100,000 a week. Wherever I am, my pastor will be sure to find me!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A young couple, married just a...

A young couple, married just a couple of weeks, returned from their honeymoon to face the beginning of their new lives. The next morning, the husband woke up, showered, dressed and made his way to the kitchen where he saw his new wife crying.

So the husband inquired, "What's wrong, Honey?"

"Well, I came down here this morning to surprise you with a big breakfast, but I can't cook or clean."

The husband smiled his biggest smile and said, "There, there sweetie! I don't care that you can't cook and clean. Come on up to the bedroom, and I'll show you what I'd like for breakfast." So, off they went to the bedroom.

That afternoon, the husband came home for lunch to find his new wife crying again in the kitchen.

"What's wrong now, Sweetie?"

"Well, the same thing as this morning. I came in here to make you something for lunch, and I just can't cook."

Again the husband smiled and said, "Why don't you come back up to the bedroom and I'll have my lunch there!" So off they went to the bedroom again.

That evening the new husband came home, walked in the house and saw his new bride buck naked sliding down the banister of the stairs. Up she ran, and WHOOSH! down the banister. After the third trip up the stairs, the puzzled husband asked, "What are you doing, Honey?"

She replied with a smile, "Warming up your supper!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Instructions amiss

A man was having marital problems. So he went to his shrink. The shrink says, "When you get home, throw down your briefcase, run to her, embrace her, take off her clothes, and yours, and make mad passionate love to her."

In two weeks he was back in the shrink's office.

The shrink asked "How did it go?"

He said, "She didn't have anything to say, but her bridge club got a kick out of it."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Marriage counselor

A couple was having marital difficulties and consulted a marriage counselor.

 

After meeting with them, the counselor told them that their problems could all be traced to a lack of communication.

 

"You two need to talk," he said. "So, I recommend that you go to a jazz club. Just wait until it's time for the bass player to solo. Then you'll be talking just like everyone else."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two men were fishing...

Two men were fishing. They found a bottle floating on the water, retrieved it, rubbed it, and a genie popped out.

"I'll grant each of you one wish," said the genie.

The first man wished for a new fishing boat, all decked out, complete with outboard, the whole nine yards. Poof! New boat!

The second man wished for the lake to be turned into beer. Poof! The lake is now made of beer.

"You dummy!" exclaimed the first man. "Now we'll have to pee in the boat!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandpa was driving with his ...

Grandpa was driving with his 9-year-old granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. 

He said, "I did that by accident." 

She replied, "I know that, Grandpa." 

He replied, "How did you know?" 

She said, "Because you didn't say "idiot!" afterwards. 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sign the Magna Carta

A bus load of tourists arrives at Runnymede.

 

They gather around the guide who says, "This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."

A fellow at the front of the crowd asks, "When did that happen?"
"1215," answers the guide.

The man looks at his watch and says, "Damn! Just missed it by a half hour!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Circle of flies....

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?' The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.'

So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'

The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'

The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'

The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, 'Hard to fool them flies though...'

[worldangel]

Joke: A juggler, driving to his next...

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police.
“What are those knives doing in your car? Asked the officer.
“I use them in my juggling act,” says the juggler.

“Oh yeah?” “Let’s see you do it.” Says the policeman.
So the man starts tossing and juggling the knives.

A guy driving by sees this and says, “Wow, am I glad I stopped
Drinking. Look at the test they’re making you do now!” 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Early one morning, a mother went...

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. 

"Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" 

"But why, Mom? I don't want to go." 

"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." 

"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!" 

"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." 

"Give me two reasons why I should go to school." 

"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was walking in the street...

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" 

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. 

"Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where the hell were you when I got married?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde, Brunette and Readhead

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead are sitting in the waiting area of their gynecologist. The three ladies start to chat it up and whether they will have a boy or a girl...
The brunette: "I know I'm having a boy because I was on top!"

The two others smile and...

The redhead says: "I know I'm going to have a girl because I was on the bottom!"

The brunette slightly giggles for a moment and suddenly she and the redhead look at the blonde and ask...

"Why are you crying?"

"I think I'm going to have a puppy!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Feed the pigs

There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"
"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"
"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."

Then he fined the farmer.
Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"
"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."

And he fined the farmer.
Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A teacher asked little Johnny ...

A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well. 

"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me... even more than 10." 

"Good. What comes after three? 

"Four," answers the boy. 

"What comes after six?" 

"Seven." 

"Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. Now... so what comes after... lets say ten?" 

"A jack!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: During a terrible storm, all the ...

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars.

“That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”

“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellowhead for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him. 

"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over. 

The Mountie came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give mean excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."

"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walked into a supermarket...

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping.

At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door." He was planning to have a little fun with her, so when he reached the counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Marine standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags".
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was walking along a ...

A man was walking along a beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.
The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp... blah, blah, blah... This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"
The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that. How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific?

Think of how much concrete... how much steel!! No. Think of another wish." 
The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women...know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment... to know why they're crying, to know what they really want when they say 'nothing' ... to know how to make them truly happy." 

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Aging...

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"

"I'm four and a half."

You're never 36 and a half . . . You're four and a half going on 5.

You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back.

You jump to the next number. "How old are you?"

"I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16. Eventually.

Then the great day of your life; you become 21.

Even the words sound like a ceremony.

You BECOME 21 . . . Yes!!

Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED! We had to throw him out. What's wrong?

What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.

Then you're PUSHING 40 . . . stay over there. You REACH 50.

You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60.

By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70. After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT Wednesday . . .

You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one." And it doesn't end there . . .

In the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Jay went to a psychiatrist

Jay went to a psychiatrist. “Doc, he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed; I think there’s somebody on top of it.Top, under, under top. I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink.
“Come to me three times a week and I’ll cure you.”
“How much do you charge?”
“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll think about it.”

Jay never went back. Sometime later he met the doctor on the street.
“Why didn’t you ever come to see me again? Asked the psychiatrist.
“For a hundred buck a visit? A bartender cured me for 10 dollars.”
“Is that so! How?”
“He told me to cut the legs off the bed.”

[worldangel]

Joke: What happened here???

A guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, high heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.

"What happened here?" he asks.

"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.

Just then a guy floats by.

"Who's that?" demands the husband.

"I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dumber Child

There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells “There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth.”
The second professor says “No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot.”

The first professor says “Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner.”

The son says, gleefully, “Sure dad” and runs off.

The second professor not to be outdone says “Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave.”

Sam says “OK.” and leaves. The professors keep arguing.

Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, “Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it.”

Sam says “Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drinking jacket...

A little girl was watching her parents dress for a formal party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit."

"And why not, Darling?"

"You know that it always gives you a headache next morning."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man placed some flowers on...

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

 

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

 

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where are we?

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town.

 

They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The employee leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Joe the lawyer died suddenly, ...

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45. He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting a long time for you."
"What do you mean?" he replied. "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"45? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.
"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82, then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disappeared inside.
After a few minutes the angel returned. "Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Peter called his doctor’s office ...

Peter called his doctor’s office for an appointment. “I’m sorry,” said the receptionist, “we can’t fit you in for at least two weeks.”

“But I could be dead by then!”

“No problem. If your wife lets us know, we’ll cancel the appointment.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: After traveling a few blocks …

After traveling a few blocks, Miss Bigtits realized she had no money and, immediately informed the driver.

"You'd better stop. I can't pay you and it's ten dollars already," she said.

The driver checked her out in the rear-vision mirror. "That's okay," he said. "I'll turn down the first dark street, get in the back seat and take off your bra."

"You'd be cheating yourself," she replied.

"This bra is only worth five dollars."