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Lost Gravy Ladle

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how handsome John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of Johns' sexual orientation and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.

Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Mark and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Mark came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"

John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote: "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you 'did' take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you 'did not' take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Mark, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Mark. But the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, he would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom"

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Guest smoking bear

Blowing Smoke

Three guys are arrested in an adult book store and appear before the judge. He asks the first guy to stand:

"What is your name?" he asked.

"John," the guy answered.

"And why were you arrested?" the judge asked.

"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.

The judge didn't see anything wrong with that, so he dismissed the guy and called up the next one.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"John," the guy answered.

"Why were you arrested?" the Judge asked.

"I was by the magazine rack holding a big fat cigar and blowing smoke." he answered.

Again, the judge saw nothing offensive, 'This so-called adult store is begining to sound more like a smoking club!' he thought. So he dismissed the charge and called up the next guy.

"What's your name?? No wait, let me guess; John." he said.

"No," said the guy, "My name is Smoke."

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Guest smoking bear

one day little billy walked into class and the teacher said today were learning about multi syllable words and little billy said masturbation the teacher said wow that's a mouthfull billy and little billy said no miss your thinking of a blowjob

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Guest LauAhPek

You know you're living in 2005 when...

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.

2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.

4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.

7. You make phone calls from home, you accidentally dial "9" to get an outside line.

8. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.

10. You learn about your redundancy on the 11 o'clock news.

11. Your boss doesn't have the ability to do your job.

12. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.

13 . Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.

14. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.

15. You get up in the morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.

16. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)

17. You're reading this and nodding and laughing

18. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.

19. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.

20. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.

NOW YOU'RE LAUGHING at yourself. Go on, forward this to your friends. You know you want to!

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Dunno if you guys have seen this before, but its hilarious. I cant believe he actually said such a thing :lol:

1st question "When I say 2 word, what do you think?"

2nd question "What did you do with hundreds of men?"

http://www.ifilm.com/ifilmdetail/2472570

quicktime movie can be downloaded here:

http://download.ifilm.com/qt/portal/2472570_200.mov

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Hello!!! Next time give warning first leh!! Now I got coffee through my nose and all over my keyboard!!

OMFG, did he really said that???!!! ROTFLMAO!!! I have to replay it 3 times just to make sure.

Bruce Willis is either going to kill him or marries him. But is Colin Farrell even gay? Oh shit. Hahaha.

Guys!!! you gotta see the clip for yourself!!! Most shocking clip ever!

Please play safely! Use a condom if you are having anal sex.

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Guest Guest

paiseh Lunker, next time you must warn me you are drinking coffee :D

As a post-mortem, I shall now warn: Do not eat or drink when you are watching this clip!

I wonder if this made it on the DVD as an "extra" :lol:

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Its a 4.5MB flash quiz of the female body =) Quite well done - very pro, but the audio sampling got a bit of problem - too much high frequency sounds at places.

http://www.zipperfish.com/free/quiz/boobs-...oulder-pop.html

SWF mirrored here:

http://savefile.com/files/5462171

I totally suck. I got 10/30.

Well, at least the diagonsis was correct :D

Maybe they should have a Balls Butt or Shoulder version... :lol:

boobs_butt_shoulder-pitiful.jpg

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Guest Guest

Got your attention right. Just found this classic in my mailbox.

THE WORD F.U.C.K.

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is the word "fxxk". It is the one magical word which, just by its sound, can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.

The word fxxk is one of the most beautiful, powerful and versatile words in the English language. We all should be very proud of the word, no other language has such a beautiful word.

In language, "fxxk" falls into many grammatical categories.

- It can be used as a verb, both transitive (Joseph fxxked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fxxked by Joseph).

- It can be an action verb (Joseph really gives a real good fxxk), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fxxk), an adverb (Mary is fxxking interested in Joseph), or as a noun (Mary is a fine fxxk).

- It can also be used as an adjective (Mary is fxxking beautiful) or an interjection (fxxk! I'm late for my date with Mary).

bullet It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is a easy, fxxk she's also stupid).

As you can see, there are very few words with the overall versatility of the word "fxxk". Aside from its sexual connotations, this incredible word can be used to describe many situations other than actually sexual interactions, there are the following uses:

Greeting: "How the fxxk are you?"

Fraud:" I got fxxked at the used car lot."

Resignation: "Oh, fxxk it!"

Trouble:" I guess I'm fxxked now."

Aggression: "fxxk YOU!"

Disgust: "fxxk me."

Confusion: "What the fxxk.......?"

Difficulty: "I don't understand this fxxking job!"

Despair: "fxxked again..."

Pleasure: "I fxxking couldn't be happier."

Displeasure: "What the fxxk is going on here?"

Lost : "Where the fxxk are we?"

Disbelief : fxxkING UNBELIEVABLE!"

Retaliation: "Up your fxxking ass!"

Denial: "I didn't fxxking do it."

Perplexity: "I really don't know fxxk about it."

Apathy: "Who really gives a fxxk, anyhow?"

Greetings: "How the fxxk are ya?"

Suspicion: "Who the fxxk are you and what the fxxk are you doing?"

Panic: "Let's get the fxxk out of here."

Directions "fxxk off."

Disbelief : "How the fxxk did you do that?"

Enjoyment: "I had a fxxking good time."

Ignorance: "fxxk if I know."

Request: "Get the fxxk out of here."

Hostility: "I am going to knock your fxxking head off."

Apathy: "Who gives a fxxk."

Surprise: "fxxk! you scared the shit out of me."

Innovation: "Get a bigger fxxking hammer."

Anxiety: "Today is really fxxked."

Compromise: "fxxk you fxxk me."

Need: "I need a fxxking job"!

It can be used in an anatomical description: "He's a fxxking asshole."

It can be used to tell time: "It's five fxxking thirty."

It can be used in business: "How did I wind up with this fxxking job?"

It can be maternal: " You ugly mother fxxker."

It can be political: "fxxk Dan Quayle!"

It has possibly been used by many notable people throughout history...

What the fxxk was that?

- Mayor of Hiroshima

Where the fxxk is all this water coming from?

- Captain of the Titanic

Who's gonna fxxking find out?

- Richard Nixon

Heads are going to fxxking roll.

- Anne Boleyn

Let the fxxking woman drive.

- Commander of Space Shuttle

What fxxking map?

- Challenger, Mark Thatcher

Any fxxking idiot could understand that.

- Albert Einstein

It does so fxxking look like her!

- Picasso

How the fxxk did you work that out?

- Pythagoras

You want what on the fxxking ceiling?

- Michaelangelo

-Walt Disney

fxxk that duck and that fxxking mouse too.

Why?- Because its fxxking cold there!

- Edmund Hilary

I don't suppose its gonna fxxking rain?

- Joan of Arc

Scattered fxxking showers my fxxking ass.

- Noah

fxxk is a really healthy word too. If every morning when you are taking life and yourself a little too seriously do it as a Transcendental Mediation. Upon rising in the morning, first thing repeat the Mantra: fxxk you!!! twelve times out real loud. It will clear the throat and keep it clear all day.

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History of the word F.U.C.K

In the middle ages people were put in the stocks and pillory for having sex any way outside the positions prescribed by the church, namely the missionary position and for procreation only. They would be punished by being put on public display with a sign that said " For Unnatural Carnal Knowledge". This sign was later shortened to form the acronym F.U.C.K and all the good Christians that had not transgressed (or got caught) could stand and mock the sinners by shouting "YOU fxxkER YOU!!

Now you can grasp the problem of trying to reeducate Western women and men and especially Christians as to the divine and sacred spiritual value of the sexual part of our divine nature with all the negative connotations, violent meaning, and extreme displeasure it now carries in the psyche of the Western mind-set in regards to the act of love.

Is it any wonder that the divine act of love is under attack from every quarter in Western Culture sponsored by the church, government and police departments all acting under the guise of protecting the public good.

All this from a culture that gave us the word F.U.C.K, Queen Victoria, English based law, the Puritans, and the church of England.

The dual message projected by the misuse of the word fxxk has created the present day phenomenon called double think whereby a person can carry two opposing contradictory thoughts at the same time and space and think both are fxxking correct.

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some lighthearted stuff =)

===================================================

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through

stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (That's the only time I

have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary.

Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that

would be???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but,

it's just a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside

down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."

(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but

wouldn't this save me time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate

machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the

rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with

head-colds off those bulldozers.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (...I'm taking this

because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."

(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."

(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news

flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat

nuts." (Step 3: say what?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable

you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this

one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or

genitals." (Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

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Guest metalmickey

LOL! It's even more amusing to hear the Bangladeshi or Indian national usuing all the typical Hokkien cuss words to curse the Ah Beng back in his thick South Asian accent! :P:lol: :clap: :clap: :thumb: :thumb: :thumb: Never laughed so much in all my life! LOL! :D:lol::lol::lol:

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Guest Bai Mien Shu Sen

This I heard from someone who met and fxxked a married chinese man in Beijing Of course he bragged about his conquest telling him this :)

妻不如妾,

妾不如妓,

妓不如偷,

偷不如男,

男不如 被偷,

偷不如 被奸。

Translation for those who don't understand chinese,

this is an ancient saying about the trait of lecherous men -

Wife is not as exciting as concubine,

Concubine is not as exciting as whore,

Whore is not as exciting as affair,

An affair is not as exciting man sex,

Man sex is not as exciting as being desired by another man,

Being desired is not as exciting as being fxxked by like a wife, concubine or whore. :lol:

The pun is on the part of how far will you go for sexcitement and who has the envious roles in sex. The twist is when the man realised the girls have the better deal and after trying it, he's hooked too.

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I just found from other web about this Japanese Language Translation :lol::lol: :

Sign in Public Bath:-

Foreign guests are requested not to pull cock in tub.....

Sign in Men's Room:-

To Stop Leak Turn Cock To The Right

Hotel Rules & Regulation:-

1 Guests Are Requested Not To Smoke Or Do Other Disgusting Behaviour In Bed!

2 Is Forbidden To Steal Hotel Towels Please

3 If You Are Not A Person To Do Something Is Please Not To Read Notis!

4 You Are Invited To Take Advantage Of The Chambermaid.

Information Booklet About Using A Hotel Air-Conditioner:-

Cooles & Heates - If you want just condition of warm air in your room, Please Control Yourself!

:lol::lol:

Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy Demaret

Quote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003)

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Hi all,

I have been sharing too many problems here and would like to share some funny encounters to balance my life.

*During a walking meditation today, one guy farts loudly in front of me. I just can't stop shaking with silence laughters (awww, common, it is meditation, feel what you feel). Guess what, after going 1 round, i fart too (not so audible but gulity feeling). That guy left out of embarrassment so do i. After that, I decided to leave as i know that i will not stop shaking with laughters. As a novice, it just take a fart to chase you away. I could have chant 无眼耳鼻舌身意,无色声香味触法. Lesson learnt, don't laught at people!

*During my primary school days, the man with running nose actually dropped his mucus into the container of drinks he was serving, OMG! Next moment at the canteen seat, one of my senior mentioned that to his friends. Know what, I showered him with the bowl of laksa i was eating. Still can't remember i buy that drink or not. It doesn't matter, it is the pass!

Hope this brightens your day and others. Tense ha, share share lah! Sincerely hope this thread will make one's day.

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I am Ong Ah Bee living in Kampong Chai Chee

Life used to be simple and HAPPY

I worked hard in my STUDIES

I learned A-B-C, and everything from 1, 2, and 3.

Primary school was quite easy

I passed PSLE

Then I went to SECONDARY

The subjects include HISTORY, GEOGRAPHY

Physics, Biology and CHEMISTRY

After O levels I went to JC

I was quite LUCKY

This is a small humid tropical COUNTRY

Surrounded by unknown potential ENEMIES

Boys turned 18 must go to ARMY

After that we may continue our studies

The girls can just sit back, relax, and watch TV

They come to this world only to " Chiat Liao Bi "

No one lives on free meals or depends on CHARITY

I had no money to go to University or Poly

So I went to work at a FACTORY

Trying to earn a little lousy SALARY

After CPF and INCOME TAX,

I have just enough money to buy ROTI and ride in MRT

Colleagues at work used to be FRIENDLY

Always treat me to tea and COFFEE

Somehow they turned FISHY

Passing bad remarks about me

Telling everybody I am LAZY

My bosses show me no SYMPATHY

Mumbling over my shoulder daily : " HURRY, HURRY and HURRY ! "

Accusing me of always trying to get MC

But my sickness was due to over stretch OT

Going home after midnight by TAXI and

They reimburse me only bus fare

I Park-Tor and became STEADY

Finally had to MARRY

I lost money holding Wedding Dinner PARTY

Cheeky friends donating only cheap PANTY

After marriage, nothing was EASY

In one year, I became DADDY

I can't support my family and our BABY

Being tied down for life to repay HDB and

rising monthly utilities to PUB

My bank account has NO MONEY

POSB balance is almost EMPTY

DBS wants to charge me EXTRA FEE

Insisting that " Nothing is FREE ! "

So I moonlight as KARANG GUNI

Many times I want to jump into the sea to MATI

But that is not EASY

My wife cries : " Who is going to support me and our BABY? "

So I can't MATI .

I went to seek assistance from the MP

His reply was simple and easy :

" Vote for me, vote for me, vote for me ! "

He never tells me any convincing Policy

:lol:

Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy Demaret

Quote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003)

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An American wanted to write a book about famous churches around the world.

So he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed

a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that reads " $10,000 per call ". The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by

what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, the guy saw the

same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to Heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. " O.K., thank you, " said the American.

He then traveled to Indianapolis, Washington DC, Philadelphia, Boston and New York. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same " $10,000 per call " sign under it.

The American, upon leaving Vermont decided to travel to AUSTRALIA

to see if Australians had the same phone. He arrived in Melbourne, and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same golden telephone, but this time

the sign under it reads " 40 cents per call "

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. " Father, I've traveled all over America and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in the US the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here ? "

The priest smiled and answered : " You're in Australia now, Son. That means you are in God's own country, and so it's a local call. "

:P

Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy Demaret

Quote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003)

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George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

"How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!" You're never thirty-six and a half You're four and a half, going on five!

That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

"How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! . He TURNED; we had to throw him out There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling. What's wrong? What's changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.

You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; "I Was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half!"

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay " them " .

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. " An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen.. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9 Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

:P

Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy Demaret

Quote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003)

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