Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Yogi Walked into a Pizza Parlor…

What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?
"Make me one with everything."

When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"
The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."

[worldangel]

Joke: A husband is advised by a psychiatrist ...

A husband is advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife henpeck you! Go home and show her you are the boss!"

Of course, the husband takes the doctor's advice. He rushes home, slams the door, shakes his fist in his wife's face, and growls, "From now on, you're taking orders from me! I want my supper right now and when you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my best clothes. Tonight, I'm going out with the boys and you are going to stay at home where you belong! And another thing... guess who's going to comb my hair, give me a shave, and tie my necktie?"

His redheaded wife says calmly, "The undertaker."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Careful When You Wish

Two men died and went to Heaven. St. Peter greeted them, and said "I'm sorry, gentlemen, but your mansions aren't ready yet. Until they are, I can send you back to Earth as whatever you want to be."

"Great!" said the first guy, "I want to be an eagle soaring above beautiful scenery!" 
"No problem," replied St. Peter, and POOF! The guy was gone. "And what do you want to be," St. Peter asked the other guy. 

"I'd like to be one cool stud!" was the reply. 
"Easy," replied St. Peter, and the other guy was gone. 

After a few months, their mansions were finished, and St. Peter sent an angel to fetch them back. "You'll find them easily," he says, "One of them is soaring above the Grand Canyon, and the other one is on a snow tire somewhere in Detroit!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: A was asked to dinner...

A preacher was asked to dinner by one of his parishioners who was known for being a poor housekeeper. 

When he sat down at the table, he noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that he had ever seen in his life. 

"Have these dishes ever been washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime. 

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them." 

He felt a bit apprehensive but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious, and he said so, despite the dirty dishes. 

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!" 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Address me as...

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look, I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don't call anyone by his first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…”

[worldangel]

 Joke: A guy walks into a bar. He says...

A guy walks into a bar. He says to the bartender "I'd like a Whiskey Sour." The bartender replies "How do you make that?"

 

The guy says "You put in whiskey to make it strong, water to make it weak, lemon to make it sour and sugar to make it sweat. You mix it all together and you say 'Here's to you' and then you drink it yourself."

 

The bartender says "That's not a drink! That's a contradiction!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Way to True …..

Eino and Toivo, two upper Michigan handymen were hired to paint a flag pole and were going to be paid by the inch. As they were standing at the base of the flagpole looking up, trying as they may to figure how much to charge, a young woman walked by and asked what they were doing. 

"We are supposed to find the height of this flag pole" said Toivo, "But we don't have a ladder. The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away. 

Eino shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a woman! We asked for the height and she gives us the length!!" 
Eino and Toivo are currently working for the government...... 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Dealing With A Lawyer

A big city Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true. 

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified. 
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?" 

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter, 
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Burglary Witness

An old man was a witness in a burglary case.

The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes, says Sam. "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam, listen, you are an 80-year-old, and your eyesight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon. How far is that?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Country road

I was driving my father and grandfather down a rough country road. My inexperience in handling Grandpa's four-wheel-drive vehicle made for a particularly bouncy ride.

Embarrassed, I offered a lame excuse, “The sun shadows through the trees make it hard for me to see all the potholes.”

“Don't worry,” Grandpa said. “You're gettin' most of ‘em.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: After a lady’s car had leaked ...

After a lady’s car had leaked motor oil on her cement driveway, she bought a large bag of cat litter to soak it up.

 

It worked so well, that she went back to the store to get another bag to finish the job.

 

The clerk remembered her. Looking thoughtfully at her purchase, he said, “Lady, if that were my cat, I’d put him outside!”

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a beautiful young blonde ...

There was a beautiful young blonde at a soda machine in Vegas, and she arrived there just before a business man coming to quench his thirst.
She opened her purse and put in 50 cents, studied the machine a short while, pushed a Diet Coke selection, and out came a Diet Coke. She placed it on a counter next to the machine.

Then she reached in her purse again and pulled out a dollar and inserted it in the machine. Studying the machine carefully, she pushed the button for Coke Classic and out came a Coke Classic and 50 cents change.

She immediately took the 50 cents and put it in the machine, studied it for a moment and pushed the Mountain Dew button. Out came a Mountain Dew. She placed them both on the counter next to the Diet Coke. 

As she was reaching into her purse again, the business man, who'd been waiting patiently for several minutes by then, spoke up. "Excuse me, miss, but are you done yet?"

She looked at him and indignantly asked, "Well Duh! Can't you see I'm still winning?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two boys were playing football...

Two boys were playing football in a Washington D.C. park when one is attacked by a Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, he other boy rips off a plank of the nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar & twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.

"Washington Redskin fan saves friend from vicious animal," he starts writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Redskins fan," the boy replied.

"Baltimore Ravens fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts again.

"I'm not a Ravens fan either," the boy said.

"Then what are you?" the reporter asked.

"I'm a Cowboys fan."

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Redneck bastard kills family pet."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I know him

A small town prosecuting barrister called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a attractive middle aged lady. He approached her and asked, "Ms. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "I do know you Mr. Leigh. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Knowles since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both barristers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The boss was concerned that his...

The boss was concerned that his employees weren’t giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said “I’m the Boss” and taped it to his door.

 

After lunch, he noticed someone had taped another note under his. “Your wife called. She wants her sign back!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind Man

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. 

So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy." 

The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man was on a beach when he discovered ...

A man was on a beach when he discovered an old lamp in the sand. 

He rubbed it, and a genie popped out. 

The genie said, "I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes." 

"Alright," said the man, "I wish for more genies." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: That Did the Doctor Say?

A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints. 

The doctor speaks to the man's wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he'll probably live another 20 years." 

She returns to her husband's side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?" 
"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Pet names....

There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "mother of six."

His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that, but he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.

One evening they were at a dinner party for his company and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled from across the room over to his wife, "mother of six, are you ready to go?"

Annoyed with his question, she responded, "In a minute, Father of four."

[worldangel]

Joke: Shark!

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden he sees a shark in the water, so he starts swimming furiously towards his boat. 

As he looks back, he sees the shark turn and head towards him. He's scared to death, and as he sees the jaws of the great white beast open, revealing its horrific teeth, the atheist screams, "Oh Goodness! Save me!"

In an instant, time is frozen and a bright light shines down from above. The man is motionless in the water when he hears the voice of God say, "You are an atheist. Why do you call upon me when you do not believe in me?"

Confused, and knowing he can't lie, the man replies, "Well, that's true I don't believe in you, but how about the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you?" 

The Heaven replies, "As you wish," and the light retracts back into the heavens. The man feels the water move once again. 
As the atheist looks back, he can see the jaws of the shark start to close down on him, when all of sudden the shark stops and pulls back. 

Shocked, the man watches as the huge beast closes its eyes, bows its head and says, "Thank you Heaven for this food which I am about to receive..."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Panic On Interstate

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his cell phone rang. 

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280". 

"Please Be Careful!" 

"It's not just one car," said Herman. 

"It's hundreds of them!" 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Three mice are sitting around ...

Three mice are sitting around drinking and boasting about their strengths. 

The first mouse says, "Mouse traps, Ha! I do pushups with the bar." 

The second mouse pulls a pill from his pocket, swallows it, and says with a grin, "D-Con Rat Poison." 

The third mouse finishes his drink, slams his glass on the table, and starts to leave. 

The first mouse says, "Where do you think you're going?

"Time to go home and chase the cat." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sounds more like a nightmare...

An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, "Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had..."

The wife replies, "Yes, go on tell me."

So the husband says "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married."

The wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare."

The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Three old men were sitting around ...

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again." 

The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Money in a jar

A guy walks up and sees a jar of money in a bar.

The Barman says you need to do 3 things to get all the money.

1. He points over to a big guy, 6'9" 280 lbs. You have to walk up to him and knock him out in one punch.

2. Pull a tooth out of a rottweilers mouth.

3. Screw a 70 year old lady.

He walks over to the big guy and knocks him out in one punch.

He takes the dog in the bathroom and all you hear is yelling and screaming.

He comes out all bloody and says, "Now where is that 70 year old lady I have to pull the tooth out of?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Quiet

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said "Stay here and be very quiet. I'll be across the field."

 

A little while later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son asking, "What's wrong? I told you to be quiet."

The son answered, "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. But when the two chipmunks crawled up my pant legs and said 'Should we eat them here or take them with us?' I panicked..."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A hunter kills a deer and brings ...

A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.

His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.

They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."

His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a fucking asshole ..."

[worldangel]

 Joke: When Jane initially met Tarzan...

When Jane initially met Tarzan of the Jungle, she was attracted to him and during her questions about his life, she asked him how he made love?

"Tarzan not know love making," he replied.

Jane explained to him what it was.

Tarzan said, "Oh, Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how to do it properly."

She took off her clothes and lay down on the ground. "Here," she said. "You must put it in here."

Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick right in the crotch.

Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity. Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed, "What did you do that for?"

"Tarzan first check for bees!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bad Date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened. 

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died." 
"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Know Your Priorities....

A farmer was munching on a cookie, as he watches the rooster chase a hen around.

Playfully, the farmer throws a piece of cookie to the ground. Seeing it, the rooster stops chasing the hen and runs to the piece of cookie.

The farmer shakes his head slowly and says, "Gosh, I hope I never get THAT hungry."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A college student challenged a...

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. 

You grew up in a different world, the student said. Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers.

Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the geezer said, You’re right. We didn’t have those things when we were young; so we invented them!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: The blind date

After being with his blind date all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with her.

 

Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Quote of the Day

Woman's Quote of the Day: 

"Men are like fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something with which you'd like to have dinner with." 

Men's Counter-Quote of the Day: 

"Women are like fine wine. They all start out fresh, fruity and intoxicating to the mind and then turn full-bodied with age until they go all sour and vinegary and give you a headache." 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Hot Horseradish

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table.

 

Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful.

 

The guest let out a huge gasp.

 

When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Replacement Windows

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who had installed them. 

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo,............just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid. So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, "that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year!", I told him. 

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot. 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Patio problem

My husband, Ray, was attempting to build a patio for the first time. He bought 100 cement blocks. Laying them out in a pattern, he discovered the chosen area was too small.

He stacked the blocks against the house and cleared more space. The next day Ray put the cement blocks back down, only to find that the ground was too hard to keep the patio level.

He ordered a truckload of sand to be delivered the following morning. Again he stacked the 100 blocks against the house.

Observing all this, our next-door neighbor asked, “Ray, are you going to put your patio away every night?”

[worldangel]

Joke: A college student challenged a...

A college student challenged a senior citizen, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his. “You grew up in a different world,” the student said.

 

“Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, nuclear energy, computers…”

Taking advantage of a pause in the student’s litany, the geezer said, “You’re right. We didn’t have those things when we were young; so we invented them! What are you doing for the next generation??”

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Mink Coat

A man walks into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier with a gorgeous blonde on his arm.

"Show the lady your finest mink!" the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in the back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat.

As the lady tries it on, the furrier sidles up to the guy and discreetly whispers, "Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000."

"No problem! I'll write you a check!"

"Very good, sir." says the shop owner.

"Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared."

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged: "How dare you

show your face in here?! There wasn't a single penny in your checking account!!"

"I just had to come by," grinned the guy, "to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A police officer pulls over this guy ...

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

[worldangel]

Joke: Jury duty

Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?

Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.

Judge: Can't they do without you at work?

Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Harassment?

Do you know what sexual harassment is?

It's when a man talks dirty to a woman.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

$3.99 a minute.

[worldangel]

Joke: Baseball boy...

A little boy walked up to homeplate in an empty baseball field, with his bat and ball in hand.

As he threw the ball up in the air, he proclaimed, "I am the best ball player ever!" He swung with all his might, but missed.

He did the same thing and missed again.

He picked up the ball, tossed it up one more time, said "I am the best ball player in the world!" Then he swung and missed again.

"Wow!" he said. "What a pitcher!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three bulls heard via the grapevine ...

Three bulls heard via the grapevine that the rancher was going to bring another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.

The first bull says, "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get HIS cows, but I ain't givin' him any of mine."

The second bull says, "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'M KEEPIN' ALL MY COWS."

The third bull says, "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to "take care of". I may not be as big as you fellows yet, but I am young and virile, so I simply MUST keep all MY cows."

They had just finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only ONE ANIMAL IN IT: the biggest Son-of-Another-Bull these guys had ever seen! At 4,700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

The first bull says, "Ahem...You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

The second bull says, "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from HIM. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the third bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting up a storm.

The first bull says, "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

The third bull says, "Heck, he can have ALL my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'M a bull!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man with a piece of paper in...

A man with a piece of paper in his hand comes into an office where another man is sitting next to a shredding machine. 

"Do you know how to operate this thing?" he asks. "I have an important paper here, and I want to make sure this is done right." 

"Sure," the other man answers. "Just put the paper in here, and press this button." 

The first man does so, saying, "Great. And where do the copies come out?" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: What’s My Name?

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. "What's your name?" he asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "
 

[worldangel]

Joke: How good was I?

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.

They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.

There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.

Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks, "So, how was I?"

She says, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

[worldangel]

 Joke: New Secretary

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary. Afraid of sexual harrassment issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her.

 

But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on. So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?"

 

Looking him in the eyes, she replied, "My lawyer!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A beginner rider at the stable...

A beginner rider at the stables was trying to saddle a horse.

 

“Excuse me,” said the old hand, “but you are putting that saddle on backwards.”

 

“How do you know,” snapped the student. “You do not know which way I’m going.”

[worldangel]

 Joke: Drum problem

There was once a small boy who banged a drum all day and loved every moment of it. He would not be quiet, no matter what anyone else said or did. Various attempts were made to do something about the child.

One person told the boy that he would, if he continued to make so much noise, perforate his eardrums. This reasoning was too advanced for the child, who was neither a scientist nor a scholar.

A second person told him that drum beating was a sacred activity and should be carried out only on special occasions. The third person offered the neighbors plugs for their ears; a fourth gave the boy a book; a fifth gave the neighbors books that described a method of controlling anger through biofeedback; a sixth person gave the boy meditation exercises to make him placid and docile. None of these attempts worked.

Eventually, a wise person came along with an effective motivation. He looked at the situation, handed the child a hammer and chisel, and asked, “I wonder what's inside the drum?”

[worldangel]

Joke: The doctor..

The doctor entered the room and advised his patient that a brain transplant was the only remedy. 

"Fortunately" he continued, "this hospital has perfected the procedure, however, it is not yet available on the National Health and you will therefore have to pay. 

We have two brains in stock at the moment, a female brain costing £30,000 and a male brain at £100,000"

"Why is the male brain so expensive?" asked the patient. 

"Oh, that's easy, male brains are hardly used."