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[Hiv Support Group] Looking For People Who Are Hiv + Poz For Poz (Compiled)


bludragon

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Dear Blu,

Your stories gives your readers healing emotionally. We are learning a lot from your experience. Stay strong and don't forget Him. He will still be there for us no matter what.

I may not lived a perfect life though. But I never forget to say "Thank you" everyday for at least, He still gives me the chance to live.

Thank you for your inspiring story.

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Dear Blu,

Your stories gives your readers healing emotionally. We are learning a lot from your experience. Stay strong and don't forget Him. He will still be there for us no matter what.

I may not lived a perfect life though. But I never forget to say "Thank you" everyday for at least, He still gives me the chance to live.

Thank you for your inspiring story.

Hey Mc,

Thanks for the sweet encouragement. That is the real reason why i share my story. No matter how small or big my story contributes to a person either as an inspiration or a healing process, it is good enough for me that i help that person one way or another. To which is also part of my healing journey.

Cheers

^_^

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Dear Bludragon,

I too am an RN. I started out as an EN many years ago, I climbed the ladder slowly and I had just recently graduated from Polytechnic and I am finally an RN. From a nurse, to another, I sympathise with your situation and it pains my heart to see a fellow nurse go through such difficulty. There are other nursing appointments such as Research Nursing and even Nursing Informatics which are non-clinical positions but directly related to nursing. I understand your predicament as it is not easy living with HIV and being a nurse but I personally believe everything happens for a reason. The last time when I took my HIV test, I was scared as hell because I had worked so hard to be an RN, from my humble beginnings. You can still try working in US where there us a "don't ask and don't tell" policy as long as you take steps to prevent transmission between your patients.

I am sorry to hear such negative news but chin up my fellow nursing comrade. This is not the end. Everything happens for a reason and everything will fall into place nicely if it was meant to be. "Once a nurse, always a nurse", and you are still one of us..!!

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Dear Bludragon,

I too am an RN. I started out as an EN many years ago, I climbed the ladder slowly and I had just recently graduated from Polytechnic and I am finally an RN. From a nurse, to another, I sympathise with your situation and it pains my heart to see a fellow nurse go through such difficulty. There are other nursing appointments such as Research Nursing and even Nursing Informatics which are non-clinical positions but directly related to nursing. I understand your predicament as it is not easy living with HIV and being a nurse but I personally believe everything happens for a reason. The last time when I took my HIV test, I was scared as hell because I had worked so hard to be an RN, from my humble beginnings. You can still try working in US where there us a "don't ask and don't tell" policy as long as you take steps to prevent transmission between your patients.

I am sorry to hear such negative news but chin up my fellow nursing comrade. This is not the end. Everything happens for a reason and everything will fall into place nicely if it was meant to be. "Once a nurse, always a nurse", and you are still one of us..!!

Appreciate the reply but guess we always keep in mind that when one door closes, a couple more open. Just keep looking for it or they say chiong ah. Anyway besides i can still do without taking on a role of a "nurse" is still by writing out my story. Motivate people no?

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Three of the Sevens (PART B)

A looked straight ahead. I had the suspicion this conversation would not turn out as what I had expected. I kept mum and waited.....there were a lot of questions that I need to ask. Somehow I would not get a straight answer. More riddles. Somehow, A would pick on these flaws and used to his advantage. A finally spoke.

"Just find it crap that we keep falling into another deeper hole....this one by far the biggest. And I hate it" he sighed.

"..."

"....and sometimes I wonder if its worth leaving this place. Start a new..."

Start a new? Leaving? Denying the reality and assume it was one sick cruel joke? I was lost with his sense of perception. It wasn't a solution but more like....denial and brewing trouble. I had to make the most toughest decision alone and I knew time waits no Man if he squanders on it. I had no time to wallow in denial. This would not be so easy as I thought it was. A asked about the my day and I told him parts of my appointment with P and Flo the following week.

"You need to lie to them"

"....A I do not think that is the right way"

"Blu, just lie. Don't be stupid. You going to complicate things. Just lie to them that months back, you...you were drunk in Phuket and some guy in the pub went to your room and you got fxxked over."

I laughed bitterly.

"What do you mean me? You want to tell a lie then make a good one. Yes I can lie to Flo but what about P? WOULD it be so strange that when P sees you upfront your story does not add up? I need to remind you that you look in better shape than I."

A tugged his sweater closer. I was not that stupid to notice that he could barely stand the slightest chill despite the fact the warm weather. I did not mince my words. Thank god...finally a channel to vent. Far too long I swallow all those bitter emotions and it finally came out fast and sharp.

"...I...uh...damn...just tell them both of us got drunk."

"You don't get it A. I am tired of lying. IT is really tiring for me."

"Blu...ayang, just this once you lie. And once this appointments are over, we could plan for the next step."

"Im just tired......I will think about it. Enough discussion. Just bring me back home"

********

At home at last. I walked in quietly into the toilet and stripped myself naked. I was just about to enter the shower stall when I glanced to the side and saw myself in the mirror for the first time this week. I look haggard. I knew I had not been eating and sleeping well. Dark circles....an eruption of pimples on the forehead and worst, I think i lost a couple of kilos. Though I had been slim all my life....but not as bad as this. My fingers slide across the hallow ridges of the ribs....to the pinched hips. I shook my head...I hope I dont die early from a premature death by neglecting myself. Worrying suppresses hunger and the urge to eat. Since the body needs fuel to function, it self destruct itself by eating away the proteins in the muscles or the stored fat. I just need a good shower and I felt the beads of warm water washed me through. I did not realize that I was crying.

******

I lay awake in bed. I close my eyes. I could not sleep. My thoughts drew back to A's conversation. Groan....every part of my body ache. Using my elbow, I lifted myself up. Somehow I could make out the dark bulky shape of my computer. I felt drawn to it and I switched it on. The Pc hum softly to life in the utter darkness. Might as well surf and check my facebook. Probably tons of messages waiting for me.

Click....Congrates Blu....click

click...sick? hope you ok...click...

ORD oh!....hmm....click

I notice a picture of a friend who will be ORDing in a couple of months back. Well....why not if I check out his profile.

Click.....yadada...click...pictures hmm...click

My eyes grew wide.

Oh my god

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  • 2 weeks later...

Empat

Click...CLICK!CLICK! CLICCCK!

My heart raced. It couldn't be. I was staring into the albums and there he was. Still the same. Smiling. Must be some sort of event. Recalling back...it was that incident involving that snobbish lady mentioning over the radio of the problems in the erosion of classes in Holland Village. He does not seem to give a single care for the world. He seems fairly happy. My right hand froze on the mouse. The cursor of the mouse lay poised on his name. Does he still remember me? I shook my head. It was ages ago.

You are kidding yourself Blu.

No possible way he remembers you.

I took a deep breath and I clicked on his name. My eyes scrolled down to the bottom right corner and saw the time. Its late. I look at his picture again. And i click again on the icon for request to add.

I sighed.

I switched off the Pc. Then a moment of darkness engulf the entire room.

Blank and dark as were my thoughts.

************

Huff puff! HUFFF....!!

No way i am going to miss this interview. It was Friday and I was rushing to the heart of Singapore...the Central Business District. In the middle of mid afternoon on Wednesday, my effort to track down a job had paid off. It is just a matter of heading to the interview. Oh how I despise the place. Towering buildings that clawed the heavens. Each glimmered under the blare of the hot sun. And it does not help that I got lost with the 'help' of an elderly security officer. Bah...should have Google Map it.

My hands were shaking. I look again of the address on the measly crumpled paper. Sad. I only had my Nokia as my form of communication. I furrowed my brows and looked around. Any stranger who crossed path with this fella would have given him a huge space. Sweating and puffing and with an angry expression....who doesn't? I took a deep breath and scanned again. That lady look friendly.

"Umm...excuse me, do you have any idea how to get to this place?"

She gave me a blank look. Her eyes hovered over my finger to the address and she giggled unexpectedly.

"Sorry?"

She smiled and pointed in the direction behind me. I turned around and saw the location. My face burned and sheepishly reply a thank. Still giggling, she soon walk off. Looking at my Nokia, I still got 20 minutes to spare. I head over to the toilet in the building to spruce myself up. Dab dry all the sweat and redo the hair. Gah...no wonder she was laughing as I looked into the mirror. My forehead was plastered with my sweaty hair....sigh.

I entered the lift. And the door opened to a corridor. A huge sign over the entrance on one of the doors.

Its time.

********

I reached home later in the evening. Devastated.

Flashes of the interview keep repeating itself. It was one of the worst experience I had to go through. No the interview did not suck. The interviewee was not a jerk. It was the options that I was given and I had to refuse it point blankly. Though i would be paid handsomely if i agree to it. I had submitted two copies of my resume to the interviewee who works in a HR firm. One to a medical sector and the other for retail sector. The interviewee, Andi was puzzled with my decisions to refuse the first option. He told me that with my qualifications that I earned from my experience as an army medic and nurse, i could earn up to at most $2k in a private medical sector. And the other option for service? Was a measly $1.3. I gave all excuses from writing. Truthfully, in the back of mind was the blood result that keep hovering.

Great....

I entered my room, switched on the Pc again and log into my Facebook. Alot of notifications.....

I left for a while. And I saw a chatbox.

"Hi...."

Curious I look at it and gave a sharp breath.

**************

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  • 2 weeks later...

Empat (Part B)

I bit my lower lip and typed down a reply.

"Hi"

It was him. Its been a long time since he 'disappeared'. I was wondering what will be my next step to start a conversation. Would a how do you do be suffice for the lost time? No...that is just too....weirdly polite. "What happen?" seems too direct. Gah....I was muddled up. He was my old flame two years back but I refrained from any possible action since I was attached. However I had this other half of me egging me to pursue this. As though it was ripe.

A question flashed across the chatbox.

"Are you still attached?"

My hands froze on the keyboard. The question hit home run. It hung thick in the air as though demanding a reply. Is it possibly right for me no matter how wrong it is to leave things undone just to pursue that bit of paradise? The clockwork have yet to set in motion till i set it to work. Work...debt......family....A. My confidence was a wreck since how is it possible for people to accept my illness or yet alone even go around dating when the gay world is fraught with drama, beguiling charms and constant needs for haves? Forget about the matters of the heart. It has always been the constant pursuit of carnal pleasure and comparison that broke dozens of hearts. I put the thought of relationship last since the rest were priorities in each part. But now, I am facing this dilemma. I took a deep breath. My mind was blank but somehow my hands typed an instant reply.

"Yes...i am still attach."

A short pause. It felt painful even to type out that sentence.

"Is it possible if we meet up around next week just for a chat? Its been a pretty long time....love to catch up."

Another pause.

"Yea..."

We ended the chat with both numbers exchanged. I was smiling.

********

I did not head out for the weekends. Spent most of the days looking for another job .....and at the same time was on the sly browsing Facebook. Whatever left of my courage grew from a diminishing amber. Stoke slowly with the pictures and reading through his entries. It was quirky, thought out and dastardly charming. I kept reading and reading. Breakfast to Brunch. All squeezed into one small portal to get away from the reality. Yes it was addictive...I felt happy for a short time. But i hunger for more. For all I know...i was nursing that form of obsession without realizing that it will do much harm than good.

One of the many factors that will lead to my downfall.

********

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest fitboybtm

HIV is not a death sentence. Consider it a longterm chronic malady but still be responsible for your actions please.

Annually, Hepatitis and Cancer are killing far more people now that anti-retroviral medications have progressed to it's current degree of control.

Stay healthy, do good deeds.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Facing the Lady

The weekends end in a blink of an eye..or perhaps with the flurry of clicking on Facebook pages. Not surprised that I spent most of the days indoors like a church mouse. Even missing the anticipated Pinkdot event. Riots of pink tones; both dark and light splashed across the web page. I did feel a sense of envy and bitter hatred. It could have been another joyous day. Another sense of freedom among the people. Not giving a single care about whether Ah Sohs (old straight laced aunties) giving you the daggers or the typical crowd looking you from top to bottom just because of the way you behave. Anyway the feeling of not being judged feel...liberating and its nice for a change. Its the crowd against them. A reverse of the reality. As I was browsing, I got another call from the hospital that 'she' will be available by Tuesday. I agreed to it. I switched off the Nokia and my focus was no longer on Pinkdot but another window on the PC about apparels.....sigh. I hope I know I am doing it right.

*******

"Blu, please take note that once you have reach the building."

(I walked past some giggling nurses)

"Please proceed to the Human Resource Department. Take a flight of stairs to the second floor"

(Climbed the stairs slowly)

"It will be on your left. And from there head in. Meeting will start in 10 mins time. She will be accompanied with the one of our HR staff"

The glass door loomed in front of me. From inside I could see a flurry of activity. Hmm...palms started to sweat and I wiped it dry against the back of my faded jeans. I hope I look presentable enough. I walked in. The receptionist looked up and gave a warm smile.

"How may I help you?"

"I am here for a meeting with the DON (Director of Nursing) at 2.30pm?"

"Your name, Sir?"

"Blu..."

"...blu...bl...blu...hmm...(she was looking at the list of some sort).Oh! I am really sorry Mr Blu. She is unfortunately caught up with some matters at hand. But don't worry, she left a message that she will reach in 10 or 15 mins. I suggest you take a seat first while waiting for her?"

I could feel a small relief flash across my face.

"Uh...sorry?"

"No...no it is definitely ok...I do not mind waiting"

Enough time to rehearse and look calm. I flumped myself on the plush leather couch. Stay calm. You have done this before. Just keep a placid face. Be cool and collected and appear that you know what you want in life (....right). I was concentrating on the tv with its advertisement. Ok...that has to be the sappiest faces I ever seen on the models. I was so busy bitching about the advertising that didn't notice that the receptionist was calling for my name until she came forward.

"Blu...she is inside room 1"

"....ok"

And there she was. Seems weird that three years have yet to grace on her face. The same kindly and friendly face as the day I recalled back when I came in for my interview to apply for a sponsorship. The funny part....I did not know back then she was the DON and I was happily chatting away. Not sure whether it was my good grades or my overwhelming cheerfulness that win her over but in the end, the sponsorship was approved. However that was like ages ago. Sit next to her was this...poker face gentleman which I assume must be the Head of Human Resource. He was screening me. A straight line carved across his lips. Best not show any fear.....

"Hi Blu...lets not waste time and get straight to the point since I made you wait. You wanted to quit nursing. May I know why?"

I stared into her face. Damn....another face blurred into hers. My grandmother. Not now....Im going to lie and implicate myself again?

"I...."

*********

Edited by bludragon
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  • 2 weeks later...

The suspense is killing me, I really like your style of telling a story. Have you considered writing up a screen play and sending it to Hollywood?

Oh...wow. I really appreciate that compliment. I did not expect my story go as far in that form. As for now, I am just using this platform as a journey as a Hiv Positive gay guy. Just to share. Benefit people in whatever ways it can help.

Thanks Bane.

Load of hugs,

Blu

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  • 1 month later...

Facing the Lady (Part B)

"I am leaving because..."

She looked at me with those eyes. Waiting. I felt she was scanning every word that came out and see for herself whether it matches her observation.

"Yes?"

"I am leaving because I no longer have any interest in the medical field..."

In any sense, the hallow end of the sentence seems to be a dead give away. The man next to her was about to speak when she gave him a curt shake and she resumed again to ask further.

"Look at this way Blu. I have nurses who had quit before you and I have heard of these statements before but I feel there is more to it. I respect their wishes but then again..."

She burrowed her brows.

"You lost your interest? I find that is not a satisfying answer. Unless you found another job or.....some sort of trouble."

Damn...she is sharp. Maybe it is my assumptions that she has an ulterior motives to not let a male nurse get away. Old bird with years of experience under her wing. I doubt she have the hard time to figure out I am lying. I masked my face and replied coolly.

"I am sorry Maam but unfortunately, I have found a job that is to my liking."

"....seriously?"

"Yes. I got a job under the service line."

"Isn't nursing the same? A service to the sick? As what I know and in general speaking, the pay for the job you had right now is meagre but give yourself time in nursing and I am definitely sure with time and experience, you will change your mind."

Not only she is sharp, she is good at using her final trump card. Here I am being cornered by my own words. Deliberate but subtle. I have to give kudos to this old bird.

"Well Maam...(I licked my dry lips), people change over time and I'm not here to disrespect you. People change jobs because they want to have try a working in different fields."

My reply ended with a silence. So pregnant...it hung heavily in the air. Both my palms were sweating and I gripped tight against my jeans. I wonder what is she thinking...

"Hmm...well, if that is what you want. I have no right to be in your way."

She stared at me. Hoping that I will speak up.

"I hope for the best of you and I wish you luck".

She held out her hand. I held it.

Thank god I swiped my hands fast enough on my pants before the shake.

*************************

I sat outside in the open forum. Shoulder hunched. Sunlight dabble lightly against the leaves of the tree that shade against the wooden bench. That was a close shave. My lie was close to being exposed. I sat there quietly while waiting for my breathing to slow down. Here I am lying through (barely) and assuming that it is done. No...its the aftermath i am afraid. The cascade of lying that i need to spin each time. Lying is such a burden. The heaviness weighting on your chest.

I look up at the hospital.

My ties cut off. Somewhere in the building, colleagues of mine probably rushing to do my job. Complaining in their hearts. Blocking hurtful comments of their mind and unknowingly did not notice this lone figure.

A figure who is wondering....what is my future?

**************************

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  • 2 months later...

Yo Blu!

No doubt this is a devastating predicament, but I am glad u pulled through and still fighting! I can sympathize with the feeling of despair as I have been in terrible situations b4. However, there surely is a reason why it happened so keep praying and I am sure u will find the answer. (^_^)v

Stay strong Blu! Yarr story is good! The suspense is killing all of us! Keep up the goodwork! And thanks for the sharing.

Eagerly waiting for the next chapter,

Kayden(^o^)v

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Biru (Blue)

 

As planned, the meet up with Flo was scheduled around a Wednesday or perhaps the later part of the week just after meeting P. Flo was kind enough to leave her contacts so that both of us can meet up and head over her office. She asked me that I should wait for her near the plastic seats at the Skin Centre. Just a slope away from Tan Tock Seng Hospital. As I sit down quietly, I was brooding some thoughts of my own. P left an important message before the meeting ended.

 

"There will be a point of time, you have to go through contact tracing as part of MOH protocol. However to protect your interest, I would suggest that you filter certain information when the protocol take place."

 

I was a bit stunned with that information given.

 

"....filter? Lie about it?"

 

........

 

"I have to be frank Blu. I may not know you but everyone has a story to how it started and the story that goes beyond it."

 

 

"But...im saying it that everyone have interests to protect. I believe that you have your own to protect. If you say more than you can handle, you are going to get yourself in further trouble".

 

"i...I..understand."

 

*******

 

"Blu....Blu? Helllo Blu?!"

 

Back to reality. And from a far I saw was this short lady waving at me from a far. That might be Flo. Great...we look like siblings. She in her blue dress with a black slim belt and me in my powder blue jeans with blue shirt. I was not surprise for the fact that people dress accordingly to their mood...sometimes without us knowing. But somehow her total appearance and attitude seems to dispel all that. Blue and black...hmm maybe that was the current trend.

 

"Oh hi, my name is Flo." She chirped.

 

She stretched out her hand. And I shook it slowly.

 

"....the name is blu."

 

"Anyway lets proceed to the office?"

 

"...yea sure"

 

******

 

Funny. The office was just another slope down from the Skin Centre. Tuck away in some foliages but it looks comforting. I could have not imagine how many people before me who had gone through that office of hers. She motioned me to her office as she had to get herself ready for the 'inquiry'. I sit in the plush couch, the AC humming softly, admiring the lightly coloured room while thinking through. She came in.

 

"Sorry for the wait. But before we go through the protocol....maybe we break the ice and talk about yourself?"

 

"rofl....well you probably know I was diagnosed as a medic instructor...."

 

"I mean Blu how are you coping?"

 

She gave me some time to unwind. All I could remember was saying I was feeling tired and cramped. Somehow at the back of the my mind, I was thinking of P message. She gave me an encouraging smile.

 

"I'm not hear to judge. Whatever happen in the past doesn't bother me. Trust me...I've heard kinky sex and recreational drugs gone wrong...."

 

I nearly chocked on the cup of water I was drinking.

 

I laughed. For the first time in weeks. Wow...I am starting to like this Flo. She's blunt. Small but pack like a chili padi.

 

"Really? I heard few girls able to cope with that kind of stories."

 

She smiled.

 

"Part of my job. Like I said earlier, I am here not to judge."

 

.....

 

"So are you ready?"

 

**************

 

From Flo's expression she wasn't satisfied with the 'story' i cooked up. I eventually gave the story A suggested. Getting drunk in Phuket and got screwed over. She asked about whether I had other sex partners. I closed my eyes....in my mind it was a threesome with my x but it was a protected sex. I choose to lie about it. My interest....for my sake.

 

Flo accompanied me through the check ups. And she was bubbly. She talked about her family. Doesn't sound annoyed with the initial part of the day but overall a friendly gal. The day almost ended and I was abit disappointed that it had to end. Overall she listened, joked and probe about the most stereotypical question often asked by any straight people.

 

"Blu if not for the casenote, I wouldn't have not known you are gay."

 

"Lol. Im a chameleon but that what unnerves the homophobes in my camp but I was pretty open about my sexuality."

 

"Oh my god. Really? Haha that must be epic."

 

"Yea kinda but anyway that life is over. The next is whats going to happen"

 

"Blu anyway I hope things work out for you. I will not lie but it will a rough one but things that don't kill us, make us stronger. Trust me"

 

"....alright"

 

The day ended with me climbing up the slopes to TTSH with its orange setting sun. What a long day.

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The disgust and the meet

 

I had another appointment with CDC right after Flo. The meet up between the specialist and the newly diagnosed HIV patient. To those who were identified through a government body (in my case the army), they need to do a proper processing before a follow up with the CDC. To those who found themselves to be positive in an anonymous testing at Kelantan clinic, you can take the option to seek treatment overseas. 

 

I pestered A to take the blood test in Kelantan clinic. The blood test was just to detect the presence but it did not elaborate further the numerical range of virus copies in the blood. A was calm....not even a tinge of worry. Should he? I already knew his plan. He look sick. He probably knew he got the virus from his tomfoolery. Knowing that he had it, he did not bother protecting himself and his partner or even take measures to seek treatment. Best let wait it out till the whole thing blow over. Get the partner infected and hope...that he too gets infected and will stay with him for life. My disgust for him grew. I will be stuck with this man who infected me. Wrecked my life and future. Lies and deceit just to meet his own selfish needs. All the good memories of that man vaporized during the days that I had to go through alone.

 

I sat on the benches in the cold corridor facing the room that he went in twice. Today was unusually quiet for a usually busy weekday. He came out, gave a smile and joked that the nurse is a hottie. I narrowed my eyes. I did not find that humorous at all. I brushed the topic aside and asked.

 

" Let me guess....the nurse said that your blood test got some abnormalities and they want to make sure it isn't wrong?"

 

"Uh...yea...how do you know?"

 

"A,...I AM...WAS...a nurse. Hes buying time so that he can notify the necessary people....trust me, he will ask you to go the counseling room."

 

As I had predicted, his number flashed in the same room he went in. He came out with the instructions to head over to another room. Just opposite the room but it was blocked with a educational chart about HIV. The irony.

 

Again I wait. Felt like an hour or so. A video of a Negro couple. The guy initially refuse to use a condom because he felt its not natural on his dick and insist it on raw. Had a scare that one of the girls he had fool around with came down with a case of STD (sexually transmitted disease). The good part he was clean but he had a scare of his life. Cheesy. Doubt our sex educational program is that informative. Celibacy till marriage. Right....tell that a 21st century kid whose exposed to sex, tv and the internet in this modern age world. And the video replayed again. 

 

A came out with a couple of brochures. I didn't ask much about the counselling part. Doubt it works for him.

 

"Want to head out for dinner?"

 

"No."

 

I had my own plans for that night.

 

************

 

I waited by the convenient store just across from the MRT. It was decided we would meet tonight. My palms were sweating. I am going to meet HIM. Dude for real. Meeting this long lost flame. The one who made butterflies in your stomach, turned your leg into a puddle of goo and made you jumbled up your words.

 

"Blu?"

 

I turned....and saw him.

 

*********** 

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Dear Blu and all friends reading this post,

 

I am also positive and living with the virus for many years. With treatment, almost all my poz friends are back to work and continuing with their lives as normal. There will be the occasional bout of flu or cough, etc, but everyone is managing and coping well. 

It is also good to have a network or group of friends who are also poz, so it'll be easier to discuss various issues we face and learn from one another. 

 

I am coming from the treatment aspect, and would like to say, starting medication sooner is better than starting later. This is also advocated by UNAIDS and the WHO. For all our poz friends reading this, do continue to monitor your blood counts (CD4 and Viral load). 

Talk to your doctor at your next appointment and seek his advise when to start treatment. For those who are negative or don't know your   health status, do go for a HIV test and do it regularly, especially if you have multiple sex partners and do not use condoms. 

 

I may not be a trained counselor, but have facilitated support groups of poz people before and hope I can provide good advice, should anyone have any questions out there.

 

Best regards,

Hotspunk. 

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Dear Blu and all friends reading this post,

 

I am also positive and living with the virus for many years. With treatment, almost all my poz friends are back to work and continuing with their lives as normal. There will be the occasional bout of flu or cough, etc, but everyone is managing and coping well. 

It is also good to have a network or group of friends who are also poz, so it'll be easier to discuss various issues we face and learn from one another. 

 

I am coming from the treatment aspect, and would like to say, starting medication sooner is better than starting later. This is also advocated by UNAIDS and the WHO. For all our poz friends reading this, do continue to monitor your blood counts (CD4 and Viral load). 

Talk to your doctor at your next appointment and seek his advise when to start treatment. For those who are negative or don't know your   health status, do go for a HIV test and do it regularly, especially if you have multiple sex partners and do not use condoms. 

 

I may not be a trained counselor, but have facilitated support groups of poz people before and hope I can provide good advice, should anyone have any questions out there.

 

Best regards,

Hotspunk. 

Dear hotspunk,

 

Thanks for the feedback. This forum was initially to meet like minded folks but ended up as a mini biography as a HIV positive guy. Through an encouragement of a friend from my support group, I decided to write it out. I hope that the readers find it informative enough. It is a reminder (a constant reminder) that safe sex is important irregardless whether you are new to the scene or been in the scene long enough to know that population for HIV carrier is getting younger and spiking up. It is a disturbing trend. As for me, it is a healing journey to penned it down and I hope that more readers will be enlightened. If it helps the reader in whatever way either emotionally or mentally, then it is a good learning point. Naturally all names are bleeped out in respect for the individuals. 

 

Cheers,

Blu

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  • 3 weeks later...

Mimpi (Dreams)

 

My heart skipped a beat when I saw him. I guess I was loss for words....speechless....two long years and somehow with the miracle of a button and technology, I finally manage to meet him. I could feel my cheeks blush and for the weirdest reason...I felt this is my very first time dating. And that felt strangely good. The fluttering butterflies tickling your innards, that annoying thundering of your heartbeat and your five senses become acutely sharp. As I step forward to shook his hand, I felt the firm grip of his hand even to his calluses. Rough to the touch but somehow it coyly gave a tingling sensation and I drew in my breath....musky odour that oozes sexiness or perhaps maybe its just the male pheromones that's messing up my senses badly (smitten more like it).

 

I tried to smiled but it was turned out to be a mix of loopy and retarded. Yea perhaps I do look retarded if I was that smitten. I could feel my two muses sitting on my shoulders screaming. The first screaming at the top of his lungs "Dude, get back to reality! HELLLOO?! Earth to Blu?" while the other panicking "We have a failed mission. Loss of communication. S.O.S!" Somehow what actually jarred me back to reality was when G spoke.

 

"Blu, you don't mind if I smoke do you?"

 

I blinked.

 

"Yea...go ahead."

 

Shit...i cursed myself softly.

 

I am not a fan of smoking myself for reasons being that I don't like my lungs to age like a 90 year old man and second of all, I really hate acrid smell of nicotine. However two years of Army really forced me to endure the years of being a smoke buddy to a couple of my juniors and seniors who need a cig to release the stress. Well that kind of paid of, here I am standing to the guy whom I had a crush years ago, hes smoking and hes....fumbling?

 

"Come...let me do it for you"

 

I cupped my hands around the cig. He smiled and he flicked on the lighter and a few sparks later, the cig lit.

 

"Phanks" 

 

He gave a cheeky smiled, drag the cig before puffing out the smoke through his nostrils. The smoke clouded his view. I stared hard into his face. 

 

"How's life?"

 

"...."

 

"Lets go for a walk alright?

 

****************************

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  • 4 weeks later...

23

We didn't speak much. Strange that it felt like a walk seems....forever. I did not try any attempt to look at him. It felt bad enough I'm behaving like a total goon but the pressure to start the right conversation after the long absence is just too overwhelming. Thinking....pondering....would not work. Acting like a doofus....maybe unless you want to peeve off the guy.

"So what are you thinking?"

"Uh nothing....just..."

"Thinking?"

I blushed.

"Yea sort of."

"Annnd why do you have to think?"

The moment of truth. Now or never.

"Since its been awhile we talked and I wasn't sure how to start?"

"Chuckled....you do realize that you are carrying the conversation quite well. Even though you think you are nervous."

......

One point for him.

"Just relax....let the conversation flow. Say is there anything about the park we are at?"

Gosh we are at the park already? That was fast. Initially there was the main intention....to impress him. But sometimes planning wrecks everything. unconsciously creating a problem in hoping to fulfill that hope of achieving something at the end of the day but end up disappointed. Walking without any intentions to fulfill a need. Just walk. No harm in walking. Seems basic. But we tend to forget that....a lot.

I brushed the leaves aside from the bench and motion him to sit.

"Nothing much about the park though"

"Kinda notice that"

"Years ago....I caught a glimpse you once. But I couldn't get to you....never mind I'm glad we met"

"......"

I turned to look at him.

"So how you are coping with your....condition?"

His arm with the cig poised rigidly. The smoke trailed off lightly from it. But it was his face....bitter...a flash of annoyance.

Smooth move blu...

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Courage to all of you out there!

Life goes on, it's not as bad as it used to be 10, 15 years ago and with the correct therapy, you can aim at about the same life expectancy as negative people.

It's a good thing that you can come here and tell your story, share it with others. It's good to be able to talk and to know that people out there care about you.

You're not an outcast, you're not "dangerous" to others as long as you take all the correct decisions and protect yourself.

 

People are still scared of positive people or people with AIDS, because they know too little and the little they know is probably only half correct.

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  • 1 month later...

23 (Part B)

 

Silence.....

 

"If you don't want to talk about it...lets just change the topic."

 

I clenched my fists. Bad move to start that kind of topic.

 

"What took you so long to find me?"

 

"....."

 

I turned my gaze towards him....doesn't he remember what exactly happened at that time? It was that night......

 

 

Two years back

 

"Ok blu....it had been one hectic day...you gotta rest or else you going to zone out in tomorrows lecture. Close your eyes...think of something peaceful....something relaxing....a beach....."

 

Eventually I gave up. No matter how much I think of sleep, the freaking humid weather was killing the mood. Even with the fan geared to full speed, it was just blasting warm air....oh gawd....I just took bath a while ago and I am already soaking through.

 

"Bzzz...Bzzzt....BZZZZzzzzZttt!!!"

 

My hands stumbled to find the phone. From the screen...it was G. That's weird...he usually don't make this kind of calls in the middle of the night. A smile slowly plastered across my face....well maybe...

 

"Hey G, what's with the late night call?"

 

"......"

 

"uh...Hello? G....is that you? I can hear your breathing."

 

"...hey blu..."

 

"Are you ok? You sound....off. Something happen?"

 

"We..I..need to talk. It is serious. I hope you don't change your thoughts about me."

 

"I don't think I will be that judgmental. Are you into some sort of trouble?"

 

"Sort of...."

 

"Wha.."

 

"I got diagnosed with HIV...."

 

.....I was stumped. G have HIV? That must be a sick joke.

 

"Ha..ha you are kidding right?"

 

"Do I sound...like I am joking to you?"

 

I felt sick to the pits of my stomach. It was close to the end of the final attachment as a student nurse before undergoing the dreaded Pre-Registration Consolidation Placement (PRCP). Sure enough the stigma for being a HIV carrier is prevalent even in the medical field. Any patients with HIV seems to be treated as highly contagious...even to the point that majority of the nurses use gloves just to do parameter check (blood pressure and such) when in fact, there was no bodily fluid, cuts or wounds present on the patients. A sex deviant....immoral...that kind of hurtful words I used to hear when the nurses gossip behind close doors. I felt guilty at one point when a really observant patient asked me why the nurses used gloves on the man across from him while the rest were excluded. I mumbled hastily of saying a skin disease and he countered of saying that there were no visible patches on the man. I gave him the stare and politely told him it is against my code of conduct to divulge and he shouldn't be worried of others when he himself was sick. The man eventually back down. I shudder to think if that man finds out....

 

"G....was there a mistake?"

 

"I failed the both blood test....seriously....this is so screwed up."

 

".....I will be there for you, ok?"

 

"..what?"

 

"I will be there for you. No matter what...I...I care for you a lot."

 

"Blu..."

 

"I'm being serious here. I know this is a bad timing to say this but...I love you. I just need you to seek for help and rest up. Just give it rest and promise me you don't do something stupid alright?" 

 

"Ok...good night."

 

"You too...night..."

 

I clutched my phone tight. It felt so surreal....and I did not sleep till dawn. Another day....not knowing that the next few days and weeks to get in contact with G ended in vain. He cut off his line. I was at loss. 

 

*******

 

Fast forward to present day

 

"I think we should end this conversation. Its getting late."

 

He noticed a slight change in me. Probably that pain and loss of recalling that night showed a slight chill in the attitude.

 

"Yea...its late."

 

He took his last drag...flick it the ground.

 

"You know despite what happened years back....I am still glad that I got in contact and find out that you're fine. At least you kept the other end of the bargain of not doing something stupid."

 

"...yea. Anyway guess what?"

 

"Hmm?"

 

"I want to see you again."

 

*********

Edited by bludragon
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  • 5 months later...

So reading from the latest part, does that mean your parents have come to make peace with you being gay?

If they know that you're + , I can imagine them saying "That's God's punishment for you listening to the devil".

Anyhow - it's good that you can channel your emotions into writing. Like people say above, being + nowadays is not the end of the world, and a complete cure is just around the corner.

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there are nature food that contains anti bacterial,anti viral and anitbotics to boost immunity ,eat  often dun over do it, food like garlic,lemon,onion,ginger,cinnimon ,huang qi(chinese herb),coconut oil etc,can google for these food that boost immunity. but interestingly why got so many so call"treatments"(suppress virus from growing is not call treatment but suppression) available yet  not able to find cure all these  years?and to note they only keep to their field of expertise,the eastern herbal aspect  was never explored..knowing human greedy,why would they allow the cure to be found when the treatment drugs are making so much money for them?

 

Who knows? Capitalistic gains since HIV meds is a lucrative business. And the administration for our public health do not recognize HIV under the category for chronic illness that is controllable. The category of illnesses; hypertension, diabetes, hyperlipidemia and so on to name a few. In short, HIV meds are not subsidized. Double whammy for those who are financially tight.

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Hi guys,

I am worried and need advice here.

On 19 dec, I went to a sauna and I got hooked up with this guy and we proceeded to a room to make out. During the various make love positions, I always ensure that this guy had his condom on by constantly feeling for it. However, before he was abt to cum, he overturn me with my back facing him and continue his thrust... At that very moment, I didn't check whether his condom is still on... Soon after I heard his moan, I'm not sure whether I pull my ass out of his dick or whether he withdrew himself... I realize there were shots of sperm on my back... I was aghast to find out the condom was not on his dick.... I was terrified and keep asking him why he didn't put on the condom but he keeps on saying he did and it's just that when he pulled out to cum in the condom, the condom just gets stuck inside my ass.. I do not believe him and I searched the whole room but could not find the condom... He still insisting that the condom is stucked inside my ass... I tried to finger it myself but couldn't locate it... He then proceed to finger my ass and managed to pull out the condom... However I wish to say that I didn't see the act of him pulling out the condom... But when he's done and I took a look, I saw the comdom outside my ass. I am very skeptical about his words and actions and he keeps on saying he's in the medical profession and he gets tested every 3 mths and he shd be worried abt me... He also me mentioned that he got to withdraw when he was abt to cum even though he was wearing a condom because the condoms provided by the saunas are not of good quality and might break.......

Although today is the 2nd week of exposure, I am very afraid that I might have contracted hiv because of this... And I can only wait till 28 days of exposure before I could go for hiv combo test... The wait is killing me and I think I have some of the early symptoms of hiv...

I am worried that if I am hiv positive, what would happen to me, my job, and hiv meds are so expensive... I have other commitments and I dun think I could afford the meds... Because of this disease, I may not concentrate on my job and may lose my job...

I have no one to turn to and all these feelings are affecting my job now and caused me great anxiety that I'm having sleepless nights...

I feel like committing suicide....

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Hi guys,

I am worried and need advice here.

On 19 dec, I went to a sauna and I got hooked up with this guy and we proceeded to a room to make out. During the various make love positions, I always ensure that this guy had his condom on by constantly feeling for it. However, before he was abt to cum, he overturn me with my back facing him and continue his thrust... At that very moment, I didn't check whether his condom is still on... Soon after I heard his moan, I'm not sure whether I pull my ass out of his dick or whether he withdrew himself... I realize there were shots of sperm on my back... I was aghast to find out the condom was not on his dick.... I was terrified and keep asking him why he didn't put on the condom but he keeps on saying he did and it's just that when he pulled out to cum in the condom, the condom just gets stuck inside my ass.. I do not believe him and I searched the whole room but could not find the condom... He still insisting that the condom is stucked inside my ass... I tried to finger it myself but couldn't locate it... He then proceed to finger my ass and managed to pull out the condom... However I wish to say that I didn't see the act of him pulling out the condom... But when he's done and I took a look, I saw the comdom outside my ass. I am very skeptical about his words and actions and he keeps on saying he's in the medical profession and he gets tested every 3 mths and he shd be worried abt me... He also me mentioned that he got to withdraw when he was abt to cum even though he was wearing a condom because the condoms provided by the saunas are not of good quality and might break.......

Although today is the 2nd week of exposure, I am very afraid that I might have contracted hiv because of this... And I can only wait till 28 days of exposure before I could go for hiv combo test... The wait is killing me and I think I have some of the early symptoms of hiv...

I am worried that if I am hiv positive, what would happen to me, my job, and hiv meds are so expensive... I have other commitments and I dun think I could afford the meds... Because of this disease, I may not concentrate on my job and may lose my job...

I have no one to turn to and all these feelings are affecting my job now and caused me great anxiety that I'm having sleepless nights...

I feel like committing suicide....

As cold as it may sound, you have to wait it out for the 3 months to get a clearer picture for the result when you get tested at DSC clinic. And second of all, read up on HIV and Aids. Getting worried is going to exaggerate every little thing and you are going to make yourself paranoid just because of some slight abnormalities your body may could have reacted. Just get tested and professional advice from DSC staff. You are worried that you are unable to afford your medications then what are medical social workers for? THERE is help but that is only on the next phase. So stop worrying like a chicken just lost its head. 

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  • 4 months later...

Lima (Five...out of the Sevens)

 

"I have something to say...."

 

 

"What is it?"

 

 

"I met an old flame of mine...."

 

 

"And?" 

 

 

"His name is G and he was diagnosed with HIV years back. I knew him during our second year relationship....it was a complicated issue."

 

 

"I see....and what did you guys do?"

 

 

I stared into A's eyes. If he meant by 'do', then he would have probably thought that i was having carnal pleasure. Well sorry to say, that need was immediately evaporated the very moment I was diagnosed. However something else was peaking. Not lust. He will not know what is coming but when the time comes, he will.....and I am sure he would not be too pleased. I've been going out meeting G on the sly. A perform storm was brewing; the pent up anger, being cheated and given a lifetime 'present', misery and the need of sweet revenge. That plan was already set in motion but I was just merely bidding my time.

 

 

"We did...."

 

 

"You know what? Maybe you can ask him how much he paid for the anti-viral medications or where he got it from?"

 

 

I smiled.

 

 

"Of course I will ask him."

 

 

Just one thing before all will fall into place....

 

 

***********

 

Emma was appointed as my social worker after Flo went her separate ways but with an instruction for another appointment. Same procedure as Flo....but this time I was not too proud of myself tearing up again. Guess I had a naive perception that you can confide to a social worker but thinking back, I had a crude feeling that empathy had long been evaporated from her since Emma could have handled dozens or maybe hundreds of cases before me that involve betrayal, unsafe sex or god knows sordid tales that shouldn't be discussed to any normal person. She listened and I could not fathom her feelings.

 

"Blu....I know that you are really tired but I hope i can convince you to go for a meeting."

 

 

"....meeting?"

 

 

"People of your status. I mean it would be good since you could relate and you may have questions that you can ask to the speakers."

 

 

"...I will consider it...not too soon. I am not ready yet."

 

 

"Alright but if you change your mind, just give me a call."

 

 

 

Weeks pass and perhaps with G help, I manage to shift from being a 'fragile' state but an unexpected twist of event took place.

 

 

 

"Hi blu, I need to discuss that concerns both of us......I will be leaving CDC and in the near future, you will be assigned to someone else."

 

 

"....ok....."

 

 

"I am really sorry Blu. I hope that you do not see this whole thing as act of abandonment. From our last appointment, you have been progressing quite well and I will make sure that I will do a proper hand over to a colleague of mine."

 

 

"...."

 

 

Emma kept silent before continuing on. Perhaps giving me a moment to digest.

 

 

"I have something else to share. Before I leave, my head of department will be attending the next appointment....but this time, would you bring your partner A since we would like to have a talk with both of you?"

 

I just clamped my hand shut and without a consideration of thought....I said yes to the request.

 

*********

 

Somewhere at CDC....

 

"Hello. My name is Miss Lee. Emma would have already introduced you who I am. The reasons we are hear is to discuss about the dynamics between you both."

 

The whole room was tense. And i could feel it....oh it wasn't me whose feeling tense. A was. I managed to dragged him to the appointment and the funny part is, Miss Lee was actually A's social worker (after he was referred to DSC to CDC). I was wondering what kind of scheming plan he had in his mind. To lie or not, it will be a total failure on his part. I knew quite well that social workers hone their skills in the art of identifying behaviors...I had work with them before and trust me, lying will open up to subtle and uncomfortable questions. I crossed my hands and kept mum. I knew what I am going to say. Interesting enough Emma was sitting across while observing between both of us....like a gator waiting for its unsuspecting prey while Miss Lee begins her session....with questions of course.

 

"Ahem...as you have already know, I am A's social worker and we had already talked about you both."

 

 

"I'm sorry...what had he been discussing?"

 

 

Miss Lee kept a poker face. However Emma fidgeted.

 

 

"Blu, A discussed to me that both of you had been together for quite some time. He expressed that he has plans to be with you even that both of you are diagnosed. He also mentioned that he has his fears whether you will not reciprocate back and continue on with the relationship. I have been in the early days when HIV came here and I have seen couples irregardless of their status fall apart because of the 'new' changes or in rare cases endured through. Both of you are young and its naive to think that a relationship will last. However we are here to offer help if needed."

 

Strangely enough Miss Lee was looking at me directly when she mentioned the last two sentences as though she already figured out what is...or going to happen. I was about to speak when A interjected.

 

 

"I'm sorry Blu, I should have said earlier to you about what I and Miss Lee had discussed. I still want you in my life and both of us had even discussed on our plans to work together. Right Blu?"

 

 

A hand suddenly clasp onto my thigh. I felt it too alien even to consider as a human touch. Long gone are my feelings towards him and I felt more disgust in being 'touched' by those mere words that are as hollow as his conviction. I slapped away his hand and I kept mum. I noticed that Miss Lee gave a quick glance towards Emma. Emma was quiet. 

 

"Blu...A asked a question and..."

 

 

I finally spoke with a hoarse voice.

 

 

"I have already made up my mind. Yes you are right Miss Lee and I am more than willing to accept that help".

 

 

Miss Lee sensed anger rising from the tone of my voice decide to change the topic in order to ease the tension. The whole ordeal lasted for two hours and as usual A asked me whether I was keen for dinner. I replied curtly.

 

"You already know my answer."

 

****************

 

Bzzzrt Bzzzrt BZZZZZZZZZT!

 

I look at my phone and set it upside down, letting the phone rattle crazily....or angrily. Enough is enough. I knew it was A and I had other matters to attend to. 

 

I inched forward on the soft bed. The bed creaked. The back of my neck bristled softly with goosebumps. I wish for this day and it finally came. My eyes were closed and we kissed softly....tenderly.

 

The deed is finally done....

 

*****************

Edited by bludragon
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  • 5 months later...

Enam (six of the sevens)

 

I slept through the night only to wake up at the crack of the dawn. I lay there for a while...doing exactly nothing but just to stare up at the ceiling. I watched the faint light from the window turn slowly bright as it sliced across ceiling. Morning has come...another day awaits. G was sleeping at the side of the bed...in his slumber. Without disturbing his sleep, I inched closer just enough to nuzzle onto his broad back as he took his deep lumbering breaths. I had left my Nokia where i first left it..propped haphazardly on a pile books. I smiled to myself about the night before and i dare say, I felt like a virgin. Strange how an old flame can really render a guy totally clueless. If i dare to admit it, the whole situation seems to be a scene from those romance novels. I entered his room. I did remember looking around his room...sparsely furbished but well compensated with an array of books, literature and the walls...every corner of it plastered with his wild creativity. In my life, I had hardly seen this kind of eccentric decor.

 

"Hey!"

 

"Hmmm?"

"I..uh...nothing.."

 

I was pushed...on purpose onto his bed. My heartbeat quickens. The moment of closeness...his face barely an inch away and his smile beguiling with a hint of smugness was enough to burn my face. We lay there hardly moving a muscle. I know i was trapped...or guiltily wanting to be trapped in that situation. 

 

"Nice room..." That came off weak.

 

"Uh huh"

 

He did not move and the way he was observing...animalistic in nature. Hungry...waiting. I tried to move but with his full weight pressing onto me...I was stuck.

 

"G...we"

 

"Shhh...I really missed you"

 

That struck a cord in my heart. Before i could even speak, he leaned over and gave a brief kiss on the neck. His lips playfully caress my neck. His hands explored the contours of my body, neck and face. My whole senses were overloaded with euphoria and i was arching my back and suddenly it stopped. I flumped against the soft bed. 

 

"...shit" I whispered.

 

He backed off. I thought that was it for the day and suddenly the room went dark. I felt his lips pressed against mine...hungry waiting for mine. I grabbed hold of his head while we kissed. Lips and body locked hard. For once...i was happy and nothing else matters. Until...

 

****

 

"Blu!"

 

"Oh hey..."

 

"Whats with the loopy smile?"

 

"Uh...nothing." I flashed a smile. G was awake and he caught me daydreaming.

 

"We need to wash up and go now. We are meeting a friend."

 

"Huh?"

 

"Just go." He pushed a towel into my hands.

 

******

Edited by bludragon
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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi there!

Over the years there have been an increasing number of HIV positive people in Singapore. As a poz myself, I hope to find someone with a similar status for a relationship. Preferably 28 years old and below. PM me to chat or you could email be personally at gratefulpoz@gmail.com.

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  • 4 weeks later...
  • 3 weeks later...
  • 4 weeks later...

Goodness... I just being tested and confirmed to be HIV Positive 2 days ago on Tuesday .....

I am so Scare Now !!! 

The side effects of HIV Medication seems so Terrible......

I am not sure I will be Strong enough to endure through.....

Any friends here who are positive as well.... whereby I could talk to .....

Please reply me....

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