At Loss About The Ex

[Guest atloss]

I need some (constructive) views on this.

There are 3parties to this issue. Let's put it as A B and C.

A and B have been a couple for over a year plus. Unfortunately, B sorta made a mistake when he had a brief encounter with C. By encounter, I mean, B met C in one of the saunas and did stuff A couldn't accept. At that point of time, the relationship between A and B was on the rocks. To cut a long story short, A decided to end the relationship after weighing the issue at hand.

Here is where the real problem begins. After the break-up, B has been constantly sending A text messages and numerous calls. On the other hand, A has been ignoring the texts and calls. It comes to a point when B actually was at A's doorstep, in which forced A to actually meet B. They had a talk. The talk proves to be futile.

B is still constantly doin what he has been doin. Constant text messages and calls. The thing is, B is determined to get another chance from A to start all over again. Meanwhile, A is sticking with his decision not to resume the relationship.

A is getting really annoyed with B's antics. He just wants B out of his life and never to keep in touch. A has tried all the means he could, from talking to B's best friends to make B understand that A doesn't want to continue with the relationship and the likes. B is still adamant with his actions.

A is at loss. What other ways could he do to get B to leave him alone?

PS: Thanks for taking time to read this. Any suggestions are welcome.

[badboi]

If A is serious abt not getting back with B, then A need to have a decent conversation with B 1-1. Make sure U both meet up in a decent place where u both comfortable spilling yr hearts out to one another, avoid restaurant, bars, crowded places etc...Btw A need to lay out somes rules before the conversation start, for instant when A starting to talk, B cannot interrupt or cut in anytime till A finished completely then B can start, same both ways. Both parties cannot raise yr voice when talking. Just treated as the last conversation that u both gonna have, write down things that u might wanna discuss so in that way u don't miss anything out and not regret not mentioning it. Stay firm on yr toes, tell him how you feel, don't sway yr feelings. G luck!

[GachiMuchi]

清官难断家务事. It means, it's hard even for a just court official to help in a family dispute.

Whatever the reason/s, only both A & B can decide on the course of their actions. Outsiders like us has nothing to say that could change the outcome.

[Guest Blaidd_drwg]

I need some (constructive) views on this.

There are 3parties to this issue. Let's put it as A B and C.

A and B have been a couple for over a year plus. Unfortunately, B sorta made a mistake when he had a brief encounter with C. By encounter, I mean, B met C in one of the saunas and did stuff A couldn't accept. At that point of time, the relationship between A and B was on the rocks. To cut a long story short, A decided to end the relationship after weighing the issue at hand.

Here is where the real problem begins. After the break-up, B has been constantly sending A text messages and numerous calls. On the other hand, A has been ignoring the texts and calls. It comes to a point when B actually was at A's doorstep, in which forced A to actually meet B. They had a talk. The talk proves to be futile.

B is still constantly doin what he has been doin. Constant text messages and calls. The thing is, B is determined to get another chance from A to start all over again. Meanwhile, A is sticking with his decision not to resume the relationship.

A is getting really annoyed with B's antics. He just wants B out of his life and never to keep in touch. A has tried all the means he could, from talking to B's best friends to make B understand that A doesn't want to continue with the relationship and the likes. B is still adamant with his actions.

A is at loss. What other ways could he do to get B to leave him alone?

PS: Thanks for taking time to read this. Any suggestions are welcome.

Scare him off with a cunning truth: "I don't love you anymore but yet you still do to me. It is going to be a one-sided thing. I cannot assure you that in your kindness, I will exploit you and use you because I do not have the interest and care for you as a lover. If you're happy with this arrangement, we can continue this one-sided relationship."

If he backs off. Well done. He is not so blind and naive.

If he insists on his stupid ways, you just won yourself an exploitable idiot who will take the difficult route to learn his foolishness.

PS: don't speak good-heartedness with me. Fools, having told them honestly and with good-intent the pitfalls, will be rewarded their due karmic punishment. to execute this punishment, is no sole fault of mine. Simple calculated course of action: pinch them till they feel pain. That's the only way they learn, the hard way.

[trevorcantona]

Scare him off with a cunning truth: "I don't love you anymore but yet you still do to me. It is going to be a one-sided thing. I cannot assure you that in your kindness, I will exploit you and use you because I do not have the interest and care for you as a lover. If you're happy with this arrangement, we can continue this one-sided relationship."

If he backs off. Well done. He is not so blind and naive.

If he insists on his stupid ways, you just won yourself an exploitable idiot who will take the difficult route to learn his foolishness.

PS: don't speak good-heartedness with me. Fools, having told them honestly and with good-intent the pitfalls, will be rewarded their due karmic punishment. to execute this punishment, is no sole fault of mine. Simple calculated course of action: pinch them till they feel pain. That's the only way they learn, the hard way.

wah lao eh dude, you sound like an ex from hell!!!

[Guest Blaidd_drwg]

wah lao eh dude, you sound like an ex from hell!!!

true. that i am not afraid to admit.

if i love someone, i really do. to take me for granted is like opening a pharoah's curse or "hell". With me, there is only heaven or hell. no earth. cos i take things with great responsibility and passion. I don't expect to be treated any less with indignity. I have my own self-worth.

and another thing, I do not think people should be kind anyhow. It opens a doorway to terrible exploits and consequences. Pick your friends wisely and dispense your goodwill accordingly. Not all are worthy of good works.

and my policy: "when you make enemies, it means that you are actually standing up for something they don't want to see you achieve. you actually have a backbone."

[Guest atloss]

@badboi: A is indeed serious about not getting back with B. In fact, A and B did as per suggested. They met at a pretty decent place to lay out the points abiding some rules that you have mentioned too. Unfortunately, it didnt work. B is still stubborn. At the end of the conversation, which A thought, was one of the rare times that they really had a proper conversation (considering the fact that, they had a history of physically abusive to one another and both are rather hot tempered), B claims that he would wait and soon after that the constant texts and calls resume the following day.

@GachiMuchi: A might be able to get some help from the authority (perhaps, getting an injuction). However, A did not wish to take things as such. A prefers to end it as amicable as possible. Altho, he did not outrule the possibility of him resorting to seeking the authority's for help as the last resort.

@Blaidd_drwg: That sounds like an idea! However, there are consequences that will further escalate if B agrees to the one-sided relationship. For instance, B would wanna meet-up etc. A is definitely not comfortable with that cos the sight of B just triggers the anger and requires a whole lot of effort for A to keep his composure.

[XiaoMessy]

IMO Either:

1) Give B a chance.

2) Wait and time will kill B's drive.( <- Whatever the word I'm bad in English. xD )

[Guest atloss]

@XiaoMessy: Dont worry. Im able to understand your English. A is definitely not gonna give B a chance. A is also aware that time will kill B's drive (sic). It has been a good 4months since they broke up but B has been pestering A each day and A finds it really annoying and at his wits.

[doncoin]

B is harassing A. A can file a legal complaint. B needs to respect the reality that A needs the time and space to heal. By harassing A, he is just demonstrating to A that he is a selfish prick, concerned only with his own well-being.

[Guest atloss]

@chelseasian: I second that. However, A does not wish to go to the extend of reporting B. It will just turn uglier from there, you see. A is not ruling that alternative out, tho. A is tryna consider if there is any other ways that could be done to avoid B from doin what he has been doin.

[schmuckisms]

Just threaten with a restraining order lah.

B seems like someone who's at his roots, emotionally immature.

[gstc82]

Get a restraining order from the courts. Make a police report abt B.

[xenophile]

Coming from someone who was in B's position (though i did not sleep around with other guys, there was a misunderstanding).

Probably what is happening to be is he is lost. He is at a lost. He has loss someone who had meant something to him. So the best, is to do nothing really. Things may get ugly if any sort of reaction on your part, or any sort of ill-advised decisions, are made.

Any attempts to hurt him (make him jealous, lies), will definitely be bad. Since he hasnt moved on, it would just wound him and a wounded animal is never good to have around.

There will be a point when he sees that what he is doing, is basically driving you away. Making you hate him even more. And then it will stop. No reaction is the best because in the end, he will see how pointless it is to keep chasing you. And he will move on.

Just be mindful, he may be in denial still. Believing that somehow, you still love him and wants him back. That denial will turn to anger, but that could be a relatively short phase. And then he will move on from there.

So, lengthy response I know. A little rambling, forgive me. But what works, is totally cut him off (out of your phone list, FB or any other ways he can connect with you. Give him a few months to work it out his system.

Its not easy for someone who had loved you to let go. You have your anger to keep you moving. Let him work through it.

[fab]

I suppose u r A.

Just call the police, especially during unearthly hour.

[Guest atloss]

@schmuckisms: A did threaten B a coupla times. It stopped for a week or so before B continues his same old antics.

@gstc82: that is certainly the last resort. a does not wish the issue to escalate to that extend.

@fab: i could be C? haha. Yeah, A knows he could ring up the police etc. but as mentioned, if possible A wants it to end amicably.

@xenophile: dont worry about its length. the gist of what youre tryna say, i guess, just let nature takes its course. A is for it, im sure. but during those period, B will keep pestering and would also make an appearance at A's workplace or even home. Sure, ignoring B is not a problem at all. A just wish that there is a way that could actually made B realize its over between them and just stop with the calls/msgs even PMs over FB.

[silentword]

Your ability to see things from A's point of view highly suggests that you are him but I'll stop there.

Have you ever gone through the death of a loved one? That would be the position B is in. As what one of the posters suggests, B is feeling the loss, which, I doubt is very much different from experiencing the sorrow of the death of a loved one. A salient difference is that A is alive and well, which gives him the thinking that he can continue to be with A.

I believe the question of importance is, to A, whether if there really is no opportunity to get back together with B. in tandem, why? Is the relationship that sufferable to A or is A finding excuses to break up?

That said, course of action can be dependent on how A wants things to go between him and B after this. If anger, resentment, and hatred such that all communication is switched off after this episode is the preferred outcome then by all means, be firm, cut contacts, file a report. However, on account of B's way of dealing with the issue, it's likely that he will breakdown unless he has other strong emotional support and that he's not one who is a strong introvert.

Alternatively, A can tell B to give him some time to think things through. Provide B with a certain date to which A will get back to him by so as to instill some sense of security. A can be firm and ask B to not contact him for those few days. A should honour his promise and keep to the date set by himself and talk to B after he is done thinking through. A should then use the time alone to seriously think things through (literally be open minded to possibilities, weighing out the pros and cons instead of reinforcing his strong desire to break up).

On the day of meet up, A could just listen without saying anything or asking questions, followed by telling and explaining to B what A has thought of during the cooling off period.

There's really no fixed answer to your question since there are so many multiple factors to consider which we, posters who are happily sitting in our air conditioned rooms, cannot conceive or know.

Regardless whether you're A, B, or C, I can only, to the best of my ability, say, think things through with an open mind, consider other's feelings, your own stance, and come up with your own solution to the best of your capabilities.

[Guest atloss]

@silentword: No prizes for guessing, i suppose?

I have lost a coupla my loved ones.i can totally relate what B is goin thru. i know what it is like to actually lose someone whom you have loved. Despite the fact that B thinks that he could continue with A, B clearly knows that what he the damage he has done is severe and A has clearly shown no signs of interest to get back.

The answers to your questions to A would be: Yes, the relationship in undoubtedly, sufferable. Taking into the considerations of physical harms that each party has caused each other and different wavelength of understanding each other throughout the supposedly, monogamous relationship, that both have mutually agreed on, from the beginiing. Also, its rather a reason for A to actually start anew given the fact that B has made a mistake.

A still has B's interests at heart and he does not wish to implicate things further so much so filing a report(last resort). A prefers ending the relationship amicably and maintain a friendship. Afterall, both of them have spent some intimate times together. It surely be suck if they become strangers.

A and B had agreed to meet on a certain date and talk things out. unfortunately, things still continue as it is after the talk. However, A and B have since agreed to meet one more time, with the hope of an end to this harassment.

[Guest Guest]

Simple.

A can start seeing X who is so much better than B.

B will then start to realize the he is no where close compared to X as he will also like X himself.

Then both A and X, while holding hands, can then tell B that he will find someone better than A soon.

If B is a good guy, he will bless A and X then move on with his own life.

If B is a bad guy, he will try to kill either A or X, or both, and end up on an episode of Crimewatch.

[Guest atloss]

@Guest: That is possible. On the other hand, A shouldn't be just jumping on other Tom, Dick or Harry, who's better than B, with the intention of avoiding B's harassment. Afterall, it takes time to build a relationship. I guess, its a bit impractical to put your suggestion to use. Nonetheless, its one of the possible actions that A could act on.

[Guest Guest]

Now now, your goal is to get rid of B.

No one is wanting you to build a relationship with X.

X is just your pawn who can be a friend who plays along.

So, focus!

[Guest atloss]

@Guest: NICE! (:

[Guest atloss]

@Guest: But! A has limited AJ friends and of course its impossible to use his other straight friends, since he's not open to them. Dayuum!

[badboi]

-atloss-

From yr reading I felt like B has a lot of problems, it's been 4months since you guy broke up, he had plenty of time to move on already n plenty of time to reflect on what he did. B is so selfish for not considering your feelings when he sleeping around n your feelings after breaking up. He should have respect your decision if he truly loves you n not being a prick to irritate you when he tries to win you back. Do not take him back, he's emotionally unstable, if u take him back you will reward him for more bad behaviors in the future. Be a real man and take actions report to the authority if he continues to harass, he's truly asking for it since u already gave him the warnings. G luck.

[thaiboyz]

If B is sincere and remorseful of his past actions, he has no longer has any link to C, if A has truely love B, he shld give B another chance. In Aj circle, temptation is everywhere and though B has made a mistake, should A simply called off their relationship ? Or A has no longer feel for B even before B committed his mistake ? Perhaps A was dating someone behind B's back and simply take such chance to end with B ? Whatever A has his right to decide. Feelings can't be forced and I think B would give up after sometime one sided love won't last.

[Guest atloss]

@badboi: my sentiments too. i think it is obvious to A that he should not take B back cos it is apparent that not only B is in denial that the alleged affair was significantly due to his failure to curb the temptations but A got the blame.

@thaiboyz: B has cut off all the connections with C. it is also a known fact that A has loved B and committed to only B during the one year odd of relationship. i believe that just cos you have loved someone doesn't mean that a second chance should be given. If you have loved someone, you should be able to curb the temptations no matter in what circumstances that you are in. You wouldn't be hurting your partner this way. I mean, A should be able to close an eye if B had had ONS or one time-off kinda thing. Unfortunately, it wasn't ONS or even time-off. The alleged affair was carried out a coupla months without even A noticing. Maybe A wasn't observant enough. Or maybe B was/is such a great liar that he need not blink an eye lid to lie. That is A's greatest fear, to be with someone who can lie their way out.

and no, eventho, at that point of time, their relationship was on the rocks, A hasnt done any unwarranted things that go against their principles in the relationship. And no, A did/does has anyone before or after the relationship.

[Behrhunter]

Simple.

A can start seeing X who is so much better than B.

IMHO .. not a good idea to bring someone else intro this scenario. Cos of many reasons

A's judgement about X might be skewed in many ways. A should be with X for the reason of love. Not to get back at B Eg.

To TS :-

Speaking from experience from A's point of view and speaking with the assumption that you have evaluated every possible outcome and realised that there is no future for the both of you.

Try not to let his actions affect you emotionally. When he sees that you are still 'irritating/affected/agitated,' it means that there is still residual emotions linked to him. He will continue to try, even though if it's anger, it will seem like he is still able to convert that anger to something else positive. It's like a situation when 2 persons are in an argument and one decides to do something to apologise/appease the other party.

It takes time. If you truly don't love him any more, let him continue doing what he is doing. You will slowly feel like its just another distraction/noise in your life (like the insurance ppl who tails you around orchard road trying to cheat you into thinking that they are some goofy marketer. The promoter who tries to get you to sign up for Singtel Mio's latest what-so-ever) The more you are unaffected by his actions, slowly he will realise his actions are in vain. If he appears at your door step, just say hi and do what you were intending to do. If you were going to Starbucks to meet a group of friends just go ahead and enjoy your time with them even if B wanted to tail you.

Give both of you time. In your story It might seem like it is just him .. but you are healing too. And it really takes time.

On a lighter note ..every time i get caught in such a situation .. I always jokingly tell my friends this .. Charlotte Church (Sex and the City) says .. you are allowed half the time of your failed relationship to recover from it. One of the excuses I give when asked why I'm still single.

[Guest atloss]

@Behrhunter: i think what that poster was tryna was to just get someone whos better than B to put an act/pretend that they are together.

yeah, i guess only time will help. A has got to bear with B's constant harassment unless theres any other alternatives.

and you have got yourself a valid reason to remain single when your friends question you, dont you? haha.

[estee12]

Where is C? A can always ask B to go find C. or C is just a one time thing?

[Guest atloss]

@estee12: C is no longer in the picture. Apparently, C was the who informed A about the alleged affair between him and B. And B decided to cut off the contacts between him and C since the 'secret' has already been made know to A. Thus, C is not in the picture.

it depends on how your definition of one time is. The alleged affair had been goin on for a coupla months before it came to light. On a reasonable note, one time-off shouldn't have been carried over a coupla months,no?

[Behrhunter]

One off is called a ONS ... not an affair

@-atloss- I believe the person who suggested X mentioned 'start seeing.' I understood it as go look for someone.

Anyway .. even if its a pawn .. are you expecting your pawn to be able to hold out the entire period if B doesnt pull back. It's very tiring to keep cooking stories over stories to cover up and it will be worse for u if the secret it out.

[Guest atloss]

@Behrhunter: Exactly. that could be one of the alternatives but looking for X might take awhile. i mean, i dont think anyone, be it friends/strangers, are up for it as usually they would prefer not to be involved in such a thing.

[Guest guest]

Stay if u're willing to give B a chance otherwise, get moving. No one can stop u fr doin what u think/feel is right. The choice is urs. And bear with B's possessive beh, it'll wear off in time to come, as many posters hv pointed out. Life is only this short, be happy.

[Guest atloss]

Apparently, A and B met up for the talk. It was clear that A went for the meet-up with the hope that B would stop harassing A, while, B was still with the hope of saving their relationship. The talk went fine, in fact, better than most of the talks they ever had during the relationship. Towards the end of the talk, A reiterated to B the fact that they are no longer together and to stop the constant messages and calls. B started to break down, pleaded again for another chance. A, still remain with his decision.

It was a horrendous sight, looking at B breaking down in public and promises A this and that. Unfortunately, A remained calm throughout the talk. As it was getting late and that both parties have already laid out whatever they have to, A decided to head home. B declined. B kisses A's forehead and told A to make the move first.

The issue is, from the meet-up they had, A started to worry (unnecessarily) that B might do something silly to himself. He's afraid that if something untoward happens to B, he would be feeling guilty-conscious and blame himself.

On the other hand, I think that A should not entertain such thoughts and continue his usual routine without B. There shouldn't be any conscious bugging A, even if something unpleasant happens to B.

No? Yes?

[sgboxers]

Its great to know that A and B met up and ironed thing out.

As for whether or not A should worry for B due to the "silly" stuff B might do. It clearly depends if A still cares for B, not as a lover, but whether as a friend or ex.

However what I feel is that, if ever B does anything silly and preempts A, then A should calm the person down however not giving in to B's demands. If B continues to use silly actions to get A's attention, then I feel A should not entertain such actions and do what he feels is right for the situation.

If need be, call a helpline for B. Or phone B's close friend to talk to B.

As long as A deals with the situation calmly and logically, in an event of B's silly actions, I don't see a need for regret.

[silentword]

No offense for asking but I don't seem to get why th re-establishment of the relationship isn't an option?

Was the said "cheating" the sole reason or the trigger following an abundance of unresolved issues prior to the cheating?

[Guest atloss]

it appears to be that B is set out to make things more complex for both. Recently, he's also been requesting A to return him all the gifts that B has given to A which A have disposed of, when the relationship ended.

@silentword: The reason being is that B had been lying to A for a couple of months, unknown to A. it is worrying for A as A has this mindset of, if B could lie right under A's nose, undetected, what makes A think that B wouldn't lie again if they decide to patch things up? Perhaps, A wasn't observant enough and as such, the lying and 'affair' happened. It isn't the sole reason that leads to the break up. Prior to that, they have been having problems. The alleged affair that B has committed just crosses A's limit and tolerance.

[Behrhunter]

None of us here is able to know the exact situation of what happened and what you have gone through. At the same time, it may not be easy to pen your entire experience into words. Therefore, no one including myself should be able to tell you to stay or break up. Since you have decided to break .. just ignore the others who advise against your own decision otherwise. We are all adults and answerable to our own actions. So, IMHO, you can ignore the posts that is irrelevant and you really need not justify your decisions. We are all here to give suggestions and help

WRT to your current situation now, it does seem like a move out of desperation. What I can think of is if you have anything at all that belongs to the 'range or items' considered gifts to you pack it into a box. If you don't even want to see, bring it to his house, wait for him to open door drop the items at his door step. Tell him this is all the stuff left you can find and leave. He needs to see you passing them to him cos otherwise those recycling auntie/uncles take away he will accuse you of not returning.

[Guest atloss]

@Behrhunter: True that. Perhaps, A should just ignore B and give MORE time to him instead of taking any legal actions against B. About the stuff that B's been asking for, A is ignoring the requests. A believes that B is seeking attention by doing that. Probably, in time to come, B will stop his antics and learn his lesson.

I think, people need to learn to let things/someone go if it doesn't work the way they wanted. Be honest. If you plan to cheat, make sure your partner won't be able to find out and of course must bear its full consequences if it ever gets leaked out.(But of course, it defeats the purpose of bein in a r/s if you decide to cheat, cos it wouldn't be exclusive then).

[IkuTube]

Here is the case where (I believe) 'Forgiveness' is not in play while 'Obsession' is taking its toll. While we are being left out with A and B's past, it is hard to suggest why both parties are hard-wired with their own reactions today.

For instance, why was there 'a history of physically abusive to one another'? Why did B fault with 'a brief encounter with C'? What was considered 'the talk went fine'?

Often, when we have been hurt, our pride and self-esteem are injured. So is our expectation. Basically, we tend to internalize that we have lost something very valuable to us. In such a situation, our motivation to forgive is blocked.

What'll remain is the obsession where each thinks he is right. Explanation (or excuses) for behavior get in the way and it is hard when the mind (which has already been influenced/traumatized by hurt/disappointment/wrong-doings) to focus inward but assigned selfish actions to win the cause.

It will do A and B good should they could leave the past and focus on something good, something for both of them to believe in. A talk that goes fine should have opened understanding and acceptance. Unfortunately, the fact that it is unresolved only shows there are still so much unspoken emotional state of being and a loose sense of responsibility for what Love is to mean to both A and B.

[Guest atloss]

@IkuTube: I couldn't agree more with most of the points you've stated.

On another note, by any chance, has anyone here lodged a report against their ex-partner or partner, anything for that matter? If so, what's the procedure like? I mean A is clearly assuming that B has been harassing A. However, when such report is lodged, I believe, the authority do need some evidences, don't they? Or A could actually just obtain a report to scare B away?