Restrictive Parents. How To Deal With Them?

[Guest hi]

yup as of wad the title stats. so my situation is pretty weird. or maybe it's my parents that r weird....? my mum would get really unhappy when i go out with friends. it used to be okay when i am going to school for activities. but now, she even get upset when i need to go to school for activities..... ohmygod, wads wrong with her...

sometimes she would even not allow me to hang out with friend and if i were to make any changes to my plans, she would ring me on my phone non stop and if i picked up her phone, she would say nasty stuffs and even call me a lier.... i want to know wad wrong with me, so i tried talking to her. she HAVE NEVER give me a clear and reasonable explaination before. she would always end up shouting and flared up.... I really dont know wads wrong with me.... on the other hand, i have a brother older by 1 year. my mum never stopped him from going out with friends. my mum have never done anything she did to me to my older brother. i seek explaination from her, but again she could not give me an explaination and end up flaring up again.... OMG? wads wrong with her.

i feel really embarrassed... really really.... i m a grown up already. i could have moved out of the house and lead my own life. but i didnt, becos i still love them and i wanna stay with them. i have the quality every mothers would want. i spend time with her, i get got grades, etc etc. but why is she treating me this way? anyone have got any explaination? and any ways to resolve this issue? please help me, this miserable grown up..

[tblee]

How old are you?

[SeannyShortcake]

Either she favours the first child more or that she thinks one of her sons have moved out of the family le,cannot let the second one fly away so easily if not her old age how.

OR you're a female :>

[Guest guest]

yr mum could have discover u r gay . from yr dressing , and yr belongings.so she is more strict to u. all mother the same who would like their son to be gay?

[Guest Guest]

Errr..... is your mother getting to be around 40-45 years old now? Women of this age goes through the last few stages of their menstrual cycles and they get to become completely hormonal. Tell her nicely about how you feel, even though I myself am not sure if that will help.

As to how I dealt with it, I started staying at my ex-boyfriends place and I even went overseas to work and ignored my mother completely. I refused to be tied to my mother's apron strings. Looking back, that really helped in my personal and character development a lot, as I need not listen to someone who thinks that she is always right in every way. If I had done that, I would not have discovered new things for myself and I wouldn't have grown to be as independent as I am today.

[Guest stbrianud]

Dude... It's tough I know. My parents are kinda like that too... No matter what you say or do they won't give you an explanation for their behavior... All the say is "We are your parents and we know best for you."

I've came to the conclusion of moving out, similar to what you have. But it's because I love my parents I have to do this. The sooner they can accept that we have grown and are independent enough to take care of ourselves. Yes we might fall and injury ourselves at time. But that's life, we have to learn to grow on our own. I don't one to be pampered... Yes I know they have worked so hard to give me everything I want. But what I want now is to start my life. I'm grateful for them taking care of me so well... But it's my turn to fly.!

They have to learn to let go...

If it were me. I know it would be so hard because I fear my son may get crushed my the real world. But since he really wants it I have to respect his choice. But I'll make sure he knows that he can count on me to be there whenever he needs me. And when he falls ill be there to help me rise up so he may continue this journey... Sometimes love is not keeping them close, but letting them go instead

[mvoo]

well, sadly to say i think my mum also quite restrictive too.

told her will be out till late but she will keep spamming me with calls, maybe after 7pm she will starts to spam every hour zz

no privacy at home too.

this is madness.

and from her prescriptive, i can't have any GF till i start working thus i guess that's why i'm here.

Edited September 26, 2012 by mvoo

[Guest Glyph]

and from her prescriptive, i can't have any GF till i start working thus i guess that's why i'm here.

Would love to see you tell her that.

@OP

What are the symptoms of menopause? What do you typically see in practice? How common are vaginal symptoms? How common are hot flashes?

Menopause can cause vaginal dryness, hot flashes, sexual dysfunction, joint pain, depression, mood changes, metabolism changes, and sleep disturbances.

Everyone is familiar with hot flashes, but menopause does not equal hot flashes. Some women may not even experience hot flashes.

Vaginal dryness is a common symptom and not necessarily one that women discuss freely or even associate with menopause. There can be discomfort with sexual intercourse if vaginal dryness is not treated.

Sleep disturbance may be related to hot flashes, but not always. Some women may just have trouble sleeping through the night.

The most common symptoms I see in practice are vaginal dryness and hot flashes - these are the symptoms that would often prompt someone to see their doctor.

Most women going through menopause may have some symptoms, but not all are necessarily disabling. I like to compare this situation to women in pregnancy - some women are fine, while others experience nausea and vomiting to varying degrees.

Source

Edited September 26, 2012 by Glyph

[mvoo]

Would love to see you tell her that.

hahahaha! coming out is another thing.

[Guest Glyph]

I guess I'm pretty "blessed" in that sense.

I've had just about all the freedom I wanted since secondary school. No curfews nor calls to check up on me. Just that little bit of nagging that I should call home if it's going to be late - when they see me back at home.

[Guest hi]

my situation has gotten worse.... my parent got super annoyed when i found a new job. she wants me to do the job that she think is ideal for me... omg?

How old are you?

im 22

Either she favours the first child more or that she thinks one of her sons have moved out of the family le,cannot let the second one fly away so easily if not her old age how.

OR you're a female :>

hahaha, why would being a female be one of the reason?

yr mum could have discover u r gay . from yr dressing , and yr belongings.so she is more strict to u. all mother the same who would like their son to be gay?

she doesnt know.

Errr..... is your mother getting to be around 40-45 years old now? Women of this age goes through the last few stages of their menstrual cycles and they get to become completely hormonal. Tell her nicely about how you feel, even though I myself am not sure if that will help.

As to how I dealt with it, I started staying at my ex-boyfriends place and I even went overseas to work and ignored my mother completely. I refused to be tied to my mother's apron strings. Looking back, that really helped in my personal and character development a lot, as I need not listen to someone who thinks that she is always right in every way. If I had done that, I would not have discovered new things for myself and I wouldn't have grown to be as independent as I am today.

my mum is 50, she still have menstrual cycles. i m thinking of moving out too... but i love my family so much... tsk...

well, sadly to say i think my mum also quite restrictive too.

told her will be out till late but she will keep spamming me with calls, maybe after 7pm she will starts to spam every hour zz

no privacy at home too.

this is madness.

and from her prescriptive, i can't have any GF till i start working thus i guess that's why i'm here.

hahaha seems like im a little better than you then

[mvoo]

yeah, i guess so but just have to endure n bear with it.

too over-protective? can i say that?

[Guest Guest]

my mum is 50, she still have menstrual cycles. i m thinking of moving out too... but i love my family so much...

Moving out doesn't mean you don't love our family.

[zwei]

Wow I have some free loving parents then they don't care what I do since they know I will take care of myself =x

[qedcwc]

Ah... 50 years old... Still within the menopausal phase. Emotions tend to be slightly unstable.

Just go on with the job change if you think it's good for you.

No point doing something that other ppl think is ideal but u urself are not happy with it.

[tblee]

Well...I don't know if what I'm going to write is appropriate in an Asian context, but it sounds like you need to start drawing boundaries. Your mum needs to let go and let you live your own life, trusting that she has brought you up well. Probably one of the reasons she is becoming increasingly controlling is that she suspects there is something going on in your life that she is worried about and can't control - so she's trying to control everything else.

I'm a form advocate of moving out if you can. It helps to establish your own identity. But she may see it as a symbolic insult. It's up to you how you bring up moving out in a sensitive way so that she is not hurt and understands your motives. You could try taking a job overseas, or asking for a posting elsewhere, or having some excuse about commuting time. Or just explain that you want your own space as an adult, but will visit them every weekend and you are not abandoning them.

Just some thoughts...

[Vince]

Perhaps like what the others have said, your mum might be undergoing the initial stage of getting into menopause. My mum is 1 year younger than your mum. She at times cant control flaring due to start of menopause. Did you try talking to your dad or brother about it and see what advice they can give you? And lastly, if conditions of uncontrolled temper is too over for you. You might want to accompany your mum to see a doctor for some drug to deal with the hormonal imbalance caused by the menopause. Cheers! *pats*

[Chatsworth]

I think its a change of personal and societal values.

For those who wants to move out, but feel guilty becoz you claim that you love your mother/family, why dun u consider this:

Move out, rent a room/house ($$) and at the same time, give your mother $500 -$1000 to her monthly for pocket money as an assurance that you are still her responsible son who cares for her. Of course, u may want to come home and have meals with her every now and then.

For those who cannot even bear these costs, you are being selfish becoz you want the freedom from your mom, and you also want the convenience of a home which your mum provides. Come on, life does not work out like that.

[NielKlient]

my mum used to be really crazy about me coming home late and stuff.

but after i moved out to stay with my ex for two years and moved back home after that, she changed.

cant exactly remember the last time she called me when i came home late.

but of course, i cant bear to leave my family so i do call them when i was staying with my ex.

it takes time for them to understand that sometimes they might be too harsh on you.

[Wilbur]

I don't think moving out is a good option. Your mom has definitely been fed up over you since you were a kid. Wanting new toys, wanting more food etc but she's never given up on you. So why would you walk out on her in the first place?

Every moms in the world are different but most of them will give up their lives for their children. Seek understanding instead of moving out. If you don't understand your mom, it only means that you're not trying harder.

[tblee]

I'm not sure it's helpful to put the entire burden of communication on the son. Communication is a two way street and the mum must also understand that her little boy is growing up and wants his own life. Just because she would give up her life for her son, does that mean he has to give up his life for her now?

Doesn't she want her son to be happy too? Or is a mother's happiness more important than her son's?

I've watched enough Chinese dramas on TV to know the anguish that goes on between pleasing parents and pleasing yourself. But if possible, try to find a way to please both. I'm not suggesting compromise because then no one is happy, but find a mutually acceptable solution that gives you your own space but doesn't make your mum feel abandoned.

[Dandriel]

Bring her to attica or phuture / zouk, get her real high and take LOTS OF pictures. Problem solved.

[Guest ongwsjackson]

HAHA eh you actually know?!

Okay I'm so not helping :c

Edited January 1, 2016 by jacksonongws

[atropine]

I don't think it's due to depression. All the family members should experience the same impact if its depression.

Your mum could have discovered something about you, which leads her to believe her actions would control you more.

She's might have known your orientation perhaps?

[Guest hi]

most of the solution offered here is to move out of the house. i will seriously consider that. judging that my mum doesnt like me at all. (she has never shed a single tear for me before). i have tried too hard. too hard to please her.... too hard.... i think it's time for me to move out and lead my own life...

thank you for all the replies.

Moving out doesn't mean you don't love our family.

the guy mentioned ignoring his mother completely...

Well...I don't know if what I'm going to write is appropriate in an Asian context, but it sounds like you need to start drawing boundaries. Your mum needs to let go and let you live your own life, trusting that she has brought you up well. Probably one of the reasons she is becoming increasingly controlling is that she suspects there is something going on in your life that she is worried about and can't control - so she's trying to control everything else.

I'm a form advocate of moving out if you can. It helps to establish your own identity. But she may see it as a symbolic insult. It's up to you how you bring up moving out in a sensitive way so that she is not hurt and understands your motives. You could try taking a job overseas, or asking for a posting elsewhere, or having some excuse about commuting time. Or just explain that you want your own space as an adult, but will visit them every weekend and you are not abandoning them.

Just some thoughts...

I'm not sure it's helpful to put the entire burden of communication on the son. Communication is a two way street and the mum must also understand that her little boy is growing up and wants his own life. Just because she would give up her life for her son, does that mean he has to give up his life for her now?

Doesn't she want her son to be happy too? Or is a mother's happiness more important than her son's?

I've watched enough Chinese dramas on TV to know the anguish that goes on between pleasing parents and pleasing yourself. But if possible, try to find a way to please both. I'm not suggesting compromise because then no one is happy, but find a mutually acceptable solution that gives you your own space but doesn't make your mum feel abandoned.

hahaa, i think u gave me the best answer so far. can people please give him some likes (Y) for his replies?

Perhaps like what the others have said, your mum might be undergoing the initial stage of getting into menopause. My mum is 1 year younger than your mum. She at times cant control flaring due to start of menopause. Did you try talking to your dad or brother about it and see what advice they can give you? And lastly, if conditions of uncontrolled temper is too over for you. You might want to accompany your mum to see a doctor for some drug to deal with the hormonal imbalance caused by the menopause. Cheers! *pats*

i have never talked to my dad for ages, i completely ignored him although we live under the same roof. he is way worser than my mum. (kind of at the hopeless end already). he would use violence and stuffs. but lets not talk about my dad. lol. my brother definitely wouldnt want to get involved. he was once like me too. but i dont know wad he did that made my mum changed towards him. he is never interested in my problems....

I don't think moving out is a good option. Your mom has definitely been fed up over you since you were a kid. Wanting new toys, wanting more food etc but she's never given up on you. So why would you walk out on her in the first place?

Every moms in the world are different but most of them will give up their lives for their children. Seek understanding instead of moving out. If you don't understand your mom, it only means that you're not trying harder.

hmm, i did mentioned that im the kind of child that any mothers in the world would want? (except that im gay, lol)

Bring her to attica or phuture / zouk, get her real high and take LOTS OF pictures. Problem solved.

LOL, 50 year old aunty leh...

HAHA ehhh you actually know?!

Okay i'm so not helping :oops:

she actually forgot to flush the toilet bowl after using. :yuk:

I don't think it's due to depression. All the family members should experience the same impact if its depression.

Your mum could have discovered something about you, which leads her to believe her actions would control you more.

She's might have known your orientation perhaps?

she doesnt know, confirm! she always intro girls to me. until i feel paiseh also. but again, she ONLY WANTS me to have a girlfriends that SHE LIKES. anything else, she will start saying nasty stuffs...

[tblee]

Urmmm, so you have a manipulative controlling mother and an emotionally absent, sometimes physically abusive father. It doesn't sound like a very healthy environment...but maybe it's not as bad as I read it?

[EasleyLim]

I believe it is possible to achieve some sort of compromise in this kind of situation. Treat her with kindness and respect, no matter how mean she treats you. Show her that she did a good job in bringing up a fine young man that any mother would be proud of... only gayer. Of course, I'm not asking you to bend over backwards to fulfil all her demands lah, I recommend drawing the line at how you should lead your life.

Don't live your life as someone's regrets

[qez]

Urmmm, so you have a manipulative controlling mother and an emotionally absent, sometimes physically abusive father. It doesn't sound like a very healthy environment...but maybe it's not as bad as I read it?

Yeah. It doesn't sound healthy.

[GachiMuchi]

清官难辨家务事！(A just magistrate can't just a family problem)

家家有本难念的经！(Every family has their problems)

Firstly, we are outsiders, we are not familiar with your family issues, so it would be hard for outsiders, even relatives to help give you solutions to your family problems.

Most parents wants what's best for their child, some more than others. So, no matter what your mother does, I am sure she meant well, and wants what's best for you.

Outsiders giving suggestion for TS to leave the family is not the best solutions because we only hears one side of the stories without knowing much of TS's past history and background, moreover, TS is just a guest and we don't even know his age, background, etc.

If TS thinks that he is having issues with his parents, etc., he should seek help from professionals like counselors who can understand and help instead of strangers in a forum.

Here are some links.

National Council of Social Service - Family Counselling Services Locations

Family Counselling Singapore - Men's Counselling

Good luck.

[wahwahboi]

Well...I don't know if what I'm going to write is appropriate in an Asian context, but it sounds like you need to start drawing boundaries. Your mum needs to let go and let you live your own life, trusting that she has brought you up well.

Totally agreed!

In life, there's definitely at one period of time in which your parents will need to let you go. And this period is usually a rebellious period, in which both you and your parents need to come to a compromise regarding your freedom. Moving out may be an act of rebellion but I guess it would be too extreme. Why not try something mild, like a cold war or something similar to that? And as what GachiMuchi had said, every family has it's own problems and it's really difficult for us to offer a solution. But I guess TS can experiment with different acts of rebellion and see if they works?

Edited September 28, 2012 by wahwahboi

[Guest Guest]

Totally agreed!

In life, there's definitely at one period of time in which your parents will need to let you go. And this period is usually a rebellious period, in which both you and your parents need to come to a compromise regarding your freedom. Moving out may be an act of rebellion but I guess it would be too extreme. Why not try something mild, like a cold war or something similar to that? And as what GachiMuchi had said, every family has it's own problems and it's really difficult for us to offer a solution. But I guess TS can experiment with different acts of rebellion and see if they works?

would u do such things to YOUR own mother?

[Guest hi]

Urmmm, so you have a manipulative controlling mother and an emotionally absent, sometimes physically abusive father. It doesn't sound like a very healthy environment...but maybe it's not as bad as I read it?

yes it's somewhat like what u said. when i was young he would throw stuffs at me, and tried to do stuffs using his adult strength against me.... imagine a young kid having to take a male adult's strength... but i ignored him completely, from then on i didnt receive anymore of such things from him. but he do say nasty stuffs that will really affect my entire day mood sometimes. but again, i would just ignore. ignoring is the key. anyway, i have grown up and he has grown older, if he were to use violence, i think he will lose out in the end. so guess he is smart enough to stop all his nonsense already?

清官难辨家务事！(A just magistrate can't just a family problem)

家家有本难念的经！(Every family has their problems)

Firstly, we are outsiders, we are not familiar with your family issues, so it would be hard for outsiders, even relatives to help give you solutions to your family problems.

Most parents wants what's best for their child, some more than others. So, no matter what your mother does, I am sure she meant well, and wants what's best for you.

Outsiders giving suggestion for TS to leave the family is not the best solutions because we only hears one side of the stories without knowing much of TS's past history and background, moreover, TS is just a guest and we don't even know his age, background, etc.

If TS thinks that he is having issues with his parents, etc., he should seek help from professionals like counselors who can understand and help instead of strangers in a forum.

Here are some links.

National Council of Social Service - Family Counselling Services Locations

Family Counselling Singapore - Men's Counselling

Good luck.

thank you!

Totally agreed!

In life, there's definitely at one period of time in which your parents will need to let you go. And this period is usually a rebellious period, in which both you and your parents need to come to a compromise regarding your freedom. Moving out may be an act of rebellion but I guess it would be too extreme. Why not try something mild, like a cold war or something similar to that? And as what GachiMuchi had said, every family has it's own problems and it's really difficult for us to offer a solution. But I guess TS can experiment with different acts of rebellion and see if they works?

i would definitely try the cold war first. thks!

would u do such things to YOUR own mother?

why not if cold war works?

[wahwahboi]

would u do such things to YOUR own mother?

I mean different people have different ways of dealing with such stuff, it really depends on what first step you are gonna take! Eventually your parents will know that it's time to let you go.

[Guest Guest]

清官难辨家务事！(A just magistrate can't just a family problem)

Hahahahahhaahahahaha!!!!!