Taking Care Of Elderly And Sick Parents

[bluemarlin]

Is there anyone living alone with elderly parents ?

Let me share my life story here to explain why i post this topic. I know this is kinda boring but fighting such a battle alone is not easy and i do hope to hear from others who are also fighting alone.

ok let me start with my story first. Since i am the youngest in the family and i am single, all other siblings who have married will assume it is my responsiblity to stay and look after our parents. Like it or not, i have no say at all. Even till i have the ability to buy my own house, i am still bound by the responsiblity. To certain extend, i do feel guilty whenever i have the thought of moving out of the house and leave the aged parents alone at home.

Until one day, my dad suffered from an acute Ischemic stroke. He became severly paralytic. My dad was very big size, (about 100kg), so we didnt think any of us can handle him, neither can any maids. So the utimate solution was to send him to nursing home. During this period, eveybody was suffering.

After 6 years in the nursing home, he passed away. All and all we spent about $120k paying the nursing home for the whole 6 years. Other then financial, we do suffer mentally as we were marked as unfilial by sending parent to nursing home.

After my dad passed away, the house left with me and my mum. Not too long after my dad passed away, she started to show sign of dementia, with her deteriorated osteoporosis, her mobility and abiltiy to take care of hersellf has became a major concern. That was the begining of the trauma. I have to work and she will be left alone at home. Eveyday i was scared when i was not around because i worried she might fall down at home. I have the reason to worry because she fell couple of times when i was at home and once i was not around.

Few years later, after another fall at home,. I thought we couldnt leave my mum alone at home any more, hence i decided to hold a family meeting to settle this issue. At the end of the meeting, Nobody seems to agree with any of my proposals. It ended that my mum will still stay alone at home again. Finally, i seek help from my sister whom i was closed with, She agreed to let me and my mum stay over at her place because her kids can also look after my mum after they knocked off from school.

Unfortunately, 2 years later my mum suffered from the same kind of stroke again and it happened when nobody was at home. This time round she was lucky to be half recovered as her stroke wasnt that severe. She stayed in the hospital and hospic for almost 4 months, that costs a bomb again.

After discharged from hospital, we decided to get a maid to look after her. we knew she would get mad because she hated maids. But with no other choices we have to bear the unfilial accusation again by causing mental stress to our mum. True enough, till today she has chased off 3 maids within 1 1/2 years. She is now in between the cortical and subcortical stage of dementia. I have to bear with all her nonsense ( sorry to say that to me beloved mother) eveyday, every moment even when i am not around, the maid will call me when she is out of control. I guess at this point of time, my love for her as my most respectful person, has slowly deminishing. I dont know how to talk with her nicely and i have lost my ability and temper to communicate with her. I know some people may condamn me, but when you are in my shoe, i guess most people will still empatize me.

I do not know if there is any one here in BW are in the same situation as me... If there is maybe we can share the idea of how to handle such situation and how to lead a better life for the patient as well as the care givers, including the maid.

Edited October 14, 2012 by bluemarlin

[raind]

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Edited February 20, 2013 by raind

[Guest dark_jedi]

i worked in daycare before... initially i was wondering why on earth would ppl dump their folks in the nursing home, then after caring for them, realized the utmost difficulty in doing so...

bluemarlin - there is no easy way around, part and parcel of life... but i believe some hospitals have support groups for dementia caregivers... free sessions... you can approach them...

[bluemarlin]

i worked in daycare before... initially i was wondering why on earth would ppl dump their folks in the nursing home, then after caring for them, realized the utmost difficulty in doing so...

bluemarlin - there is no easy way around, part and parcel of life... but i believe some hospitals have support groups for dementia caregivers... free sessions... you can approach them...

Thanks for your concern and advice.

[leechee2010]

same here, taking care of my elderly, wheelchair bound mom...though i had a maid with me...i have 7 other married sibling, who can only pay lip service...(

[bluemarlin]

same here, taking care of my elderly, wheelchair bound mom...though i had a maid with me...i have 7 other married sibling, who can only pay lip service... (

my goodness, we have exactly the same situations, even the head count. lol. i have 7 siblings, including me. most married ones have their own problems, i dont even dare to approach them. Before i talk about my problems, they will throw me all theirs first. End up i have double amount of problems.

[dannyGuy]

bluemarlin, i would like to applaud your efforts in taking care of your mom. Here are some of my thoughts:

1. Maid - if your current one is coping well, then maybe show your appreciation to her, sometimes. Otherwise, be on the look out to find a better or more suitable one. I find the more mature ones can understand such situation better and are more tolerant. It'll be great if your siblings are already chipping in on the costs; if not, you should communicate to them to commit a sum regularly. I have a few friends who garner their siblings to contribute monthly - just a small sum. Since you're single, it's natural that the rest will expect you to chip in more; just go with that as it's better to get some than to get none. From experience, the chipping in may slowly raise interest and awareness, sometimes closeness.

2. Dementia - hope she's on medication. Depending on the stage she's in, her mindset can be very challenging to any caregiver. I find it easier to understand the patient with such condition when I get a feel of which 'period' of life the patient is in; then again, they can zoom in and out of different times randomly. I find that the suitable medication can really slow down the degeneration. If she sounds incoherently, just go with the flow.

3. Yourself - don't be too hard on yourself, relax and enjoy life when you can. We all only grow up once, our parents only age once, it'll be new to anyone when such things happen. Have a look at this website : http://www.alz.org.sg/. You aren't alone in this.

Hope things are getting better.

[zwei]

Hey blue merlin, I used to be in a similar situation where by my grandpa had cancer and is too weak to do anything, but I had to change his diapers for him(cause only I have enough strength to shift him) because he couldn't move and he hated the diapers but he understands that he had to wear it.... It was very tough and tiring but I was the only one in my family whom is not working at that period(in sec school then) : so everytime I end school I have to go back home to take care of him. But luckily I have my parents and other siblings around to take care of him so I'm not that stressed out unlike you..

After my grandpa passed away, my granny fell into depression and cried everyday till she herself also fell under the clutches of the sick demons and slowly she suffered stroke and couldn't move herself... It was a very sad sight.... She struggled to even eat so we had to feed her soft liquid food that does not taste good at all.... And I had to shift her from side to side to prevent skin necrosis from occurring as she couldn't move...

Hence I really feel your pain... But not the overall since I have my sister to help me with them.... *hug* you needed this...

[LFM]

shall we meet as a support group for each other?

[bluemarlin]

Hey blue merlin, I used to be in a similar situation where by my grandpa had cancer and is too weak to do anything, but I had to change his diapers for him(cause only I have enough strength to shift him) because he couldn't move and he hated the diapers but he understands that he had to wear it.... It was very tough and tiring but I was the only one in my family whom is not working at that period(in sec school then) : so everytime I end school I have to go back home to take care of him. But luckily I have my parents and other siblings around to take care of him so I'm not that stressed out unlike you..

After my grandpa passed away, my granny fell into depression and cried everyday till she herself also fell under the clutches of the sick demons and slowly she suffered stroke and couldn't move herself... It was a very sad sight.... She struggled to even eat so we had to feed her soft liquid food that does not taste good at all.... And I had to shift her from side to side to prevent skin necrosis from occurring as she couldn't move...

Hence I really feel your pain... But not the overall since I have my sister to help me with them.... *hug* you needed this...

I thank you for sharing your life encounter and i really appreciate very much. I know some people who are in the same situation as me, but all of them are str8 and i cant share too deep my feeling with them. Its really nice to know our fellow ajs guy here who hhave gone through or still struggling with the situation.

I admit that i am a super chauvenitic pig, i act man, act cool, act steady, act smart bla bla bla, but deep in my heart i am just a dumb ass.

I dont know, but i have been acting like i am capable to handle my mum but when thing happens, i will be as helpless as the actual me.

i know my mum loves me alot since young. In fact she loves me more then any of my sibling. I remember she woke up in the middle of the night to let me drink milk (i was sick) and carry me to the clinic to see Dr when i got fever. She spent her precious 50 cents to buy me candy. You know we were very poor and 50 cents mean a lot to her that she could probably buy some groceries for the family. I knew it and i really appreciate it Nowadays, When i see her eating meals with her half handicap hands, and drop most of the foods on the floor, my heart breaks and my tears drop. But when she becomes unresonable, and talk thing in a unrational way, i got mad. I am living in such a contradiction. Most of the time after i scolded her, i wil have insomnia and even if i do sleep i will have unpresent dream to reveal my subconcious thought. This is going on an on.

Anyway, sorry i am naggy again..

Edited October 10, 2012 by bluemarlin

[bluemarlin]

thanks dannyguy for your precious advices.

[bluemarlin]

shall we meet as a support group for each other?

I would say, why not. Btw r u in the similar situation ?

[zwei]

I thank you for sharing your life encounter and i really appreciate very much. I know some people who are in the same situation as me, but all of them are str8 and i cant share too deep my feeling with them. Its really nice to know our fellow ajs guy here who hhave gone through or still struggling with the situation.

I admit that i am a super chauvenitic pig, i act man, act cool, act steady, act smart bla bla bla, but deep in my heart i am just a dumb ass.

I dont know, but i have been acting like i am capable to handle my mum but when thing happens, i will be as helpless as the actual me.

i know my mum loves me alot since young. In fact she loves me more then any of my sibling. I remember she woke up in the middle of the night to let me drink milk (i was sick) and carry me to the clinic to see Dr when i got fever. She spents her precious 50 cents to buy me candy. You know we were very poor and 50 cents mean a lot to her that she could probably buy some groceries for the family. I knew it and i really appreciate it Nowadays, When i see her eating meals with her half handicap hands, and drop most of the foods on the floor, my heart breaks and my tears drop. But when she becomes unresonable, and talk thing in a unrational way, i got mad. I am living in such a contradiction. Most of the time after i scolded her, i wil have insomnia and even if i do sleep i will have unpresent dream to reveal my subconcious thought. This is going on an on.

Anyway, sorry i am naggy again..

=( I think you need more than a hug...

[Tachyons]

http://www.cel.sg/

[futaki]

well... i didn't walk in the same shoes as u... but my bf did and i walked with him together..

he was the youngest among 4 siblings and was automatically responsible for taking care of his mom......

i got to know my current squeeze before his mom got into a stroke...

it was difficult for him as she would easily give up and not do her physio exercise as instructed by the therapist...

it brings pain to him... but he considered himself lucky as he had a responsible and helpful maid...

her health deteriorated as a result...

i would occasionally visit her when she's in the hospital... and sometimes whenever i slept over at his place and he'll be at work, i would help his maid to carry his mom after the maid showered her and she's not being cooperative...

a year and half later, she passed away... as expected, he cried his eyes out on the final day of the funeral as he had spent the most amount of time with her as compared to the rest of his siblings...

but he had never regret spending time with his mom... taking care of her, talk to her and entertaining her nonsense everyday after work....

the bottom line is...

i saluted u for that ur taking care of ur mom... yes, it's not easy and talk is cheap...

keep ur head up and think positive... bring some light-heartedness when talking to her... (there's a child in every one of us...)

i agreed with dannyGuy... try to keep a lookout for an experienced maid.... she'll be most likely to be the most helpful and responsible...

and tell ur mom it's ur distant cousin to help to take care of her...

all the best and my prayers goes out to u...

[bluemarlin]

thanks agian mr Futaki for your advice.

[futaki]

thanks agian mr Futaki for your advice.

uncle... u make me feel old, u know...

the actual fact i'm most probably... a lot younger than u...

but hey, whatever it takes to cheer u up and on...

ganbatte!

[frendlee]

Some very admirable folks here. All the blessings to you.

[Guest Ironrod]

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Edited October 11, 2012 by Ironrod

[leechee2010]

I thank you for sharing your life encounter and i really appreciate very much. I know some people who are in the same situation as me, but all of them are str8 and i cant share too deep my feeling with them. Its really nice to know our fellow ajs guy here who hhave gone through or still struggling with the situation.

I admit that i am a super chauvenitic pig, i act man, act cool, act steady, act smart bla bla bla, but deep in my heart i am just a dumb ass.

I dont know, but i have been acting like i am capable to handle my mum but when thing happens, i will be as helpless as the actual me.

i know my mum loves me alot since young. In fact she loves me more then any of my sibling. I remember she woke up in the middle of the night to let me drink milk (i was sick) and carry me to the clinic to see Dr when i got fever. She spent her precious 50 cents to buy me candy. You know we were very poor and 50 cents mean a lot to her that she could probably buy some groceries for the family. I knew it and i really appreciate it Nowadays, When i see her eating meals with her half handicap hands, and drop most of the foods on the floor, my heart breaks and my tears drop. But when she becomes unresonable, and talk thing in a unrational way, i got mad. I am living in such a contradiction. Most of the time after i scolded her, i wil have insomnia and even if i do sleep i will have unpresent dream to reveal my subconcious thought. This is going on an on.

Anyway, sorry i am naggy again..

Yes, i agreed. I used to get angry when she is naggy, now, i don't. I told myself, she is my mother and i love her very much, she is 86yrs this year, how long is she going to live? one more day?, one more week?, one more month? i really don't know, might as well let her be, make her happy?

Life is not easy, my siblings can go for long holidays, i can't...because i know i will be worried about her...

It would be nice to have our own support group where we can share experiences, maid agency..etc.

[leechee2010]

[

Edited October 11, 2012 by leechee2010

[bluemarlin]

http://www.cel.sg/

thx for sharing. iguess this is helpful

[Tachyons]

thx for sharing. iguess this is helpful

You are screwed if immediate family aka siblings dont help out because government's means testing for financial subsidy relies on that family composition.

I dont think me typing out a lengthy consolation will help you.

CEL is trying to reach out but not many are aware. You can apply for a domestic helper grant or something like that provider the doctor who looks after your grandparents or parents can fill up the form appropriately. Likewise ADA is another organisation dedicated to the persons with dementia and their caregivers.

[raind]

<p>.</p>

Edited February 20, 2013 by raind

[dreamyboi]

Hi marlin,

Though i have never experienced bearing the full responsibility of looking after my aged parents, i can fully empathesize in your situation. Before offering a piece of my word, i think it is good that your siblings are still will to fork out some of your mum's medical bills. I have heard many occasions where children simply shrugged off and treated as if their parents never exist. So do think on the bright side.. But well it is still v v stressful to look after your loved ones who are sick or dependent.

As suggested i think you might consider sending your mum to day care centres or day rehabilitation. If your mum is on follow-ups in any of the hospitals, you may ask the doctor in assisting with the referrals. You may want to try to apply subsidies for the day rehab services but it might be difficult if all your siblings are working. Pros about day rehab: You can concentrate in your work and your mum is in the safe hands of the professionals. It might also give your maid sometimes alone to do housework and less susceptible to caregiver stress.

Some hospitals offer caregiver training (Some are free for patients). It is like a half day course equipping the caregivers basic nursing skills in looking after illed elderly or patients at home. Hopefully it can help to reduce the burden of taking care of your mother.

I agree that it is tough looking after elderly especially if they are demented. there will come a time when they even forget who you are, having difficulty looking after themselves eg cannot eat, perform toileting on their own, walk...

1. Take time off to do something you like eg exercise, eat with friends. During this time off you might want to seek help from your siblings/ maid to assist looking after your mother for awhile.. Spend a day or maybe set aside 1 to 2 hours daily will be good.

2. Share about your problems with people you trust: You might feel better after sharing.

3. Discuss with your siblings: take turns in looking after your mother (quite challenging)

4. Try recollecting those happy days you have spent with your mother. Think of those days when your mother cared for you, talked to you..

5. Accept what you are feeling. It is normal to feel frustrated or angry once awhile. When you feel that way, take a break or breathe. Step out of the house like stroll in the park or do sth u like while you have someone looking after your mother temporarily.

I am not sure if the pointers help.. all the best!

Edited October 11, 2012 by lonely_boy87

[dannyGuy]

raind, good to know that your mom's condition is discovered early. Has she started any medication yet? If finances permit, she should if she hasn't yet. You can ease her mind by letting her know regularly that things are OK and she will be taken care off. I think at this point of her condition, she's trying to make sense of things and her mind is not 'computing' properly and she knows it.

[raind]

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Edited February 20, 2013 by raind

[knight]

Why would siblings expect only one person to take care of the parents who took care and provided for all of them equally over so many years?? Can't they just give some money or help in a other ways every month??

So heartless...

[abang]

Finances or the ability to "support" an aged family member is the root of the problem here.

No one wants to abandon their loved ones, be it their parents or siblings.

I took over the responsibility of looking after my mother since she became wheel-chair bounded.

At first, my siblings were forthcoming with their contributions but after a short period, reality sunk in.

Calls were fewer and home visits became the only CNY ritual.

I dont blame them at all because they have their family members to look after.

It is not easy to survive in Singapore with school-going kids, i.e. their education needs.

My awakening:

Recently the mother of a good friend of mine passed away, shortly after a heart attack relapse.

She was only 82 while my mother who is 86 and still has a clear mind.

I decided to focus on her after so many years of neglecting her needs.

I quit my job (not that I like it very much) and stay at home to accompany her (with the help of my domestic helper).

I cook her favourite dishes (unfortunately, the DH dont seem to be able to do it correctly).

The joy of feeding her cannot be expressed here.

Has my life suffered?

Yes, financially but not mentally/psychologically.

I have to minimise my expenditure - no fancy restaurants for the next 3 to 6 months.

[leechee2010]

People alway think that with more siblings, they can share the cost and taking care of aged parents, in reality, this is not the case....

Now i don't bother to call my siblings for payment or whatever, i just give them my bank account number and tell them to bank the money into it.

Remember once, i need to sent my mother to A&E, i tried to call my sisters or brothers, either their hp is engaged, not on or they are not at home. I was hoping mad!...in the end, i got a frd to help me...

Now i realised, sometimes friends are more reliable than your own siblings...

[abang]

I count myself fortunate that I have almost 'zero' financial commitment - the HDB flat had been fully paid since 1996 (the year I turned 35).

Really help is not always there when it is needed.

I treat my DH well because she is the only one whom I can depend on whenever there is an immediate need.

If you caught Code of Law last night, DH are often mistreated.

So treat them well and allow them to make decisions in the household - small decisions like what to have for dinner.

Bring her out every once in a while.. slip some extra allowance on her off-day.

I know it works because on a recent 10-day trip, the DH email me daily to assure me that things are fine at home.

Well, teach her to use the internet lah!

[bluemarlin]

Thanks Danny, appreciate the advice. Yes, she is on medication and visits the doctor regularly. To keep her mentally engaged, I subscribe her to day elderly rehab/ care when I work. I would walk her in the evenings till 9 plus daily to tire her out mentally before giving her her medication. Same routine 24/7. One thing I learn is that to take care of the elderly, one must adopt a selfless attitude. Not easy and will face a lot of internal resistance initially but can be done. Just need to find a balance and some ways to retreat and escape without making the elderly feel neglected.

Thanks again Danny.

I think Raind you are just so great that i have to pay very much respect to you. I guess i have to learn from your attitude towards your mum inspirt of her nonsense sometimes .

At times wehn i am alone i will think of how can i would like to treat her better. But when she get crazy, i will lost my temper again. And i knew very well that i should not scold my mum infront of the maid becuase lately i realised that she is mimicking my style.

I really have to learn from you and taking you as my role model . lol

[bluemarlin]

Why would siblings expect only one person to take care of the parents who took care and provided for all of them equally over so many years?? Can't they just give some money or help in a other ways every month??

So heartless...

But honestly speaking, some of my sibling do contribute to pay for the maid. Some sibling are in bad shape financially. Sisters are out of question because we are thought that once they got married they do not belong to this family any more. I know this might be nonsense to some ppl but i am ok with it.

but one thing i can not tolerate is that why cant they spend more time visiting my mum ???? Some of them come once a month for merely 1 hour. some come once a blue moon.

Other then that, they are ok.

[leechee2010]

But honestly speaking, some of my sibling do contribute to pay for the maid. Some sibling are in bad shape financially. Sisters are out of question because we are thought that once they got married they do not belong to this family any more. I know this might be nonsense to some ppl but i am ok with it.

but one thing i can not tolerate is that why cant they spend more time visiting my mum ???? Some of them come once a month for merely 1 hour. some come once a blue moon.

Other then that, they are ok.

yes you are right, i have a sister who will alway rush off after half an hour of visiting my mom and another brother just pass the money through the gate, don't even bother to come in to see my mom....

[gongtang]

your other family members are not even willing to take care of their mother (other than your sister) ? i would call their children out and "educate them the right way" to treat their parents when they become old. parents are so freakin afraid of this. if ur family really really want to die die follow the tradition, i would say, all the sons have to stay together with the parents, all have responsibility and the eldest son have the most responsibility.

[raind]

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Edited February 20, 2013 by raind

[Magicerife]

hey, i have no idea what the politically correct answer is, so i'll share my opinion as a healthcare giver (though i have yet to graduate =/).

many a times, what an elderly need isn't just proper physical care; time and attention ought to be given to their mental wellness as well. while i have no idea if the case of dementia (or alzheimer? they are pretty different. one's a symptom while the other's a cause.) has already been diagnosed. as one ages, one's mental capacity tends to degenerate, so slight sign of dementia is considered normal. however if an underlying cause like alzheimer is the reason for the dementia, then medication usage to delay the onset is very important. in such cases, having a maid would not help.

maids are domestic workers who are mostly, not medically trained - they do not know what are the signs and symptoms of brain degeneracy / diseases. and because they do not know and hence do not understand, asking them to empathize a old woman who throws random tempers at them just isnt going to be easy. as many before me have rightly put, a better option will be to put the elderly in a DAY care centre.

day care centres have been misunderstood to be a dumping ground for sick and dying elderly; which is not true. it is a place where elderly who either needs professional medical assistance to pave their way to a complete recovery from a recent illness or to constantly monitor a chronic condition which does not require as extensive a care provided in hospitals. children can put their parents there to receive good medical care during the day when they are not around to best provide for their dependables, and bring them back after work or whenever there's people at home after a certain time. basically, only left there when there are no one around temporarily only. for the elderly, it is not necessary a bad thing. they get the medical care; trained professionals (i,e nurses!!!!) in day care centre will never forget to give them the medications on time, trained medical professionals who understand the agony of these patients and therefore can provide better care, and there are fellow, for a lack of better word, patients who they can talk to. i've personally volunteered for a period long period of time at a day care centre; the elderly really gather there to play mahjong, chess, random gossip sessions comparing whose son/daughters do better and compete to see whose son/daughter will reach earlier to pick them back. gives them smth to look forward to rather than just "ohgod, another day to live again".

if cost's a factor, i think you'll find comfort knowing that there are several day care centres that are pretty competitive and affordable in rates; there's also CHAS to help cover some costs. just ask the medical social workers.

[Chatsworth]

I guess at this point of time, my love for her as my most respectful person, has slowly deminishing. I dont know how to talk with her nicely and i have lost my ability and temper to communicate with her. I know some people may condamn me, but when you are in my shoe, i guess most people will still empatize me.

Read this with a heavy heart.

Please, please do not lose your temper on her, she does not know what she is doing; if she did, she would not have wanted to cause you the misery which you are going through.

She is ill, and this is a stage which no one wants to be.

You are the healthy one, and the one who has the resources to take care of her. And you are a blessed son for taking up this difficult role.

Life is short, the difficult times you are going through cannot possibily last forever. One day she will leave you, as all our parents would.

So, please take these as moments which you can still cherish her presence; with the only mother you have.

And I must say this repeatedly, you will be blessed.

[abang]

家和万事兴。。。家家有本难念的经。。

少一事， 长一质。

I dont know whether it is an Oriental culture or not, my generation and those younger finds it difficult to express

our emotions effectively. 说不出口。。。

I am speaking from my personal experience here when my mother stayed with my younger brother.

This is what I'd observed among Chinese families... when a sibling visits an aged parent, the flat-owner rarely communicates with the visitor. My brother and his "unmentionable" wife hid themselves in their room until the visitor leaves. They would conveniently go on their annual tour every CNY.

Now my mother stays with me... the tables are turned. Appointments are made at least 2 to 3 days in advance.

I would prepare heaps of food and share it with my siblings. My maid used to say "they are here for my food rather than my mom.."...well, at least there is a PULL factor. 宽容是做“基“男必备的美德。。。

To all BW uncles/brothers who are looking after our aged parent or an invalid sibling, SALUTE and God Bless you for your generosity and kindness. 身心健康。。

借一句 ”人在做， 天在看。。“

Edited October 12, 2012 by abang

[bluemarlin]

家和万事兴。。。家家有本难念的经。。

少一事， 长一质。

I dont know whether it is an Oriental culture or not, my generation and those younger finds it difficult to express

our emotions effectively. 说不出口。。。

I am speaking from my personal experience here when my mother stayed with my younger brother.

This is what I'd observed among Chinese families... when a sibling visits an aged parent, the flat-owner rarely communicates with the visitor. My brother and his "unmentionable" wife hid themselves in their room until the visitor leaves. They would conveniently go on their annual tour every CNY.

Now my mother stays with me... the tables are turned. Appointments are made at least 2 to 3 days in advance.

I would prepare heaps of food and share it with my siblings. My maid used to say "they are here for my food rather than my mom.."...well, at least there is a PULL factor. 宽容是做“基“男必备的美德。。。

To all BW uncles/brothers who are looking after our aged parent or an invalid sibling, SALUTE and God Bless you for your generosity and kindness. 身心健康。。

借一句 ”人在做， 天在看。。“

I llike this phrase :人在做， 天在看. many ppl have told me about it. Although i dont tke it religiously, but i guess its a rational theroy practicing in this universe, just like "cause & effecct" kind of thing. U eat and u shit, u eat the wrong foods and u have diarrhoea. Just that simple.

[bluemarlin]

And Abang, i thought you are orang malayu, was shocked suddenly got chinese characters appeared. lol

[glowingember]

Hey bluemarlin,

Am taking care of my mom but luckily my brother, sister and niece help out too.

I can empathize when you couldn't control your temper while communicating with your mom.

I'm guilty too. Especially when I feel the family has done a lot for my mom's well-being but she doesn't cooperate.

But sometimes we need to take a step back.

I realized my mom doesn't wish to be in this situation and the losing of some capabilities must have frustrated her greatly.

Recently, she didn't want to eat a dish which my sister has cooked.

I asked her why and she said the meat was too big and tough.

I took a piece and tear it into smaller chunks then put it on her plate.

She ate it and right then I realized the table has turned and I was happy I could do that for her.

There will be sacrifices and it will be tough.

Lol

I've never appreciate this saying till I started taking care of my mom:

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

Hang in there y'all and I think a support group is a good idea.

[abang]

Yes I have been mistaken to be a Malay or a Malay-Chinese mix for many years...

The answer is NO... 100% orang-china...

I've used ABANG as it means elder brother or even a nick for husband (instead of suami).

Today my DH goes on her off-day and I cooked lunch and probably dinner for my mother.

Yes, we ought to "shred" the meat and vegetable into tiny pieces..

If the apple is too hard, use a blender - make them like baby food for our elderly.

One simple dish for us to try:

1 piece of chicken bone (Fairprice - 80 cents), 1/2 a radish, 1/2 a carrot, 1/2 onion, 1/2 potato, some dry scallops (to enhance the sweetness) and assorted chinese herbs. Throw in 3 large bowls of water into the rice-cooker. Put in on 'Soup/porridge' mode. It should be cooked within an hour. Viola, you have a full meal.

[bluemarlin]

Hey bluemarlin,

Am taking care of my mom but luckily my brother, sister and niece help out too.

I can empathize when you couldn't control your temper while communicating with your mom.

I'm guilty too. Especially when I feel the family has done a lot for my mom's well-being but she doesn't cooperate.

But sometimes we need to take a step back.

I realized my mom doesn't wish to be in this situation and the losing of some capabilities must have frustrated her greatly.

Recently, she didn't want to eat a dish which my sister has cooked.

I asked her why and she said the meat was too big and tough.

I took a piece and tear it into smaller chunks then put it on her plate.

She ate it and right then I realized the table has turned and I was happy I could do that for her.

There will be sacrifices and it will be tough.

Lol

I've never appreciate this saying till I started taking care of my mom:

When the going gets tough, the tough gets going.

Hang in there y'all and I think a support group is a good idea.

hey guy, thanks alot for your concern and sharing. After posted in bw, i started to realise that i really need to put in efford to change my attitude instead of complaining about how my mom behaves. I know jolly well she does not do it intentionally but as what you said she has lost some capacity in logic thinking. I thank you guys for enlightening me and i wish all of you who are in the same situation able to lead a better life with our aged parents.

[bluemarlin]

Yes I have been mistaken to be a Malay or a Malay-Chinese mix for many years...

The answer is NO... 100% orang-china...

I've used ABANG as it means elder brother or even a nick for husband (instead of suami).

Today my DH goes on her off-day and I cooked lunch and probably dinner for my mother.

Yes, we ought to "shred" the meat and vegetable into tiny pieces..

If the apple is too hard, use a blender - make them like baby food for our elderly.

One simple dish for us to try:

1 piece of chicken bone (Fairprice - 80 cents), 1/2 a radish, 1/2 a carrot, 1/2 onion, 1/2 potato, some dry scallops (to enhance the sweetness) and assorted chinese herbs. Throw in 3 large bowls of water into the rice-cooker. Put in on 'Soup/porridge' mode. It should be cooked within an hour. Viola, you have a full meal.

thanks for the recipe, Today i cook for my mom and my maid too. First time after so long since i moved back from my sister house.

[Tachyons]

Take off on alternate Saturdays to join the support and learning group organised by Alzheimer's Dementia Association. It helped lots of caregivers and I think you will benefit from it too.

[jason]

what an appropriate thread to share our struggles. indeed its painful to see our loved ones degenerate daily. I was in depression in the first few years having to adjust lifestyle being home on weekends (totally cut off social life) to take care of mum when her parkinson caused her to slow down in movements and difficulty in swolling. she had fallen 3x, 2x this year. thankfully dad is still mobile to attend to her needs. we have no maids and being the only child, I'll have to shoulder the responsibility. Both folks do not have any insurance plans either. just take each day as it comes by.

May God bless each of us in this forum !

[Guest junjun93]

i know how isit like stayin alone with single parent .. i am living with single parent too

[bluemarlin]

what an appropriate thread to share our struggles. indeed its painful to see our loved ones degenerate daily. I was in depression in the first few years having to adjust lifestyle being home on weekends (totally cut off social life) to take care of mum when her parkinson caused her to slow down in movements and difficulty in swolling. she had fallen 3x, 2x this year. thankfully dad is still mobile to attend to her needs. we have no maids and being the only child, I'll have to shoulder the responsibility. Both folks do not have any insurance plans either. just take each day as it comes by.

May God bless each of us in this forum !

Hi Jason,, i am sorry to hear that you are actually in the worse position then me. Keep it up and hope eveything goes smoothly for you and your parents. I can understand being the only child could very extremely stressful. So pls dont give up. Should you need my listening ears, do feel free to chat with me.

[bluemarlin]

i know how isit like stayin alone with single parent .. i am living with single parent too

Junjun93 boy, i think your parent should be very young, probably same age as some of us here, lol. . But i think you should be quite ok living with your parent at the moment since he/she are healthy and you should not worry too much.