Taking Care Of Elderly And Sick Parents

[FizzleBuzz]

WOW! I didnt know that there is a topic like this!! I love filial people like u guys, it show how much care and passion for them

I also took care of my granny. Let me share you mine.

She was staying alone and we all told her not to go out coz she weak. Me, my parents and relative were so worried about her. My granddad passed away years ago.

So one day, She went out, without us knowing. I was at home doing housechores when i receive a panic phone call from my uncle. He wants me to rush to granny house and help him out. I was like, What happen? And he quickly explained that granny had fall down with blood and bruises.

Thanks to the neighbour who found her at the rough and jagged road. They bring my granny back home safely. So my uncle was in tear seeing his only mother in this condition. Let me tell you. This family of mine is big. In total, my granny has 8 children, and 20 grandchildren including me. But however, everyone was so busy and only me and my uncle had to rush her to the hospital. My uncle was a taxi driver and his income wasnt alot. He didnt manage to get enough income on that day. He was also having health problem and went for operation before.

So in the hospital, i did all the settling of administration while my uncle find some parking to park his taxi. Soon after the examination by the doctor, my mum and my aunty came and settle the rest of the administration and waiting for granny to be discharge. However, she was hold up for further investigation. Granny's eye was swollen so badly and we were all worried that it might affect her sight. We pray very hard for her recovery. So the next day, i have to wake up very early and went to hospital by myself. Luckily she was discharged. So i took care of her alone for about a month. Currently she has been having frequent sickness but me and my cousins took turn to look after her, well of course we all have schools to handle so all went well.

Thanks for reading

[happy.99]

i just want to ask if anyone of you experience this. Staying with my mum is most difficult for me. Because of generation gap and also of course mother and son relationship.

my mum always think because she is my mum I must listen to her. This kind of concept is long gone and over. I cannot accept it. It lead to argument and quarrels on many occasions. She expects me to give in to her. My dad has given in to her so much now she is like a big bully. When she is in the bad mood, everyone suffers. When she think she is right, she must voice her opinion. Yes, I agree that in some things she is more experience. however saying it at the right time is productive. but if people does not have to follow, she gets angry. She always think we are bullying her.

From my point of view. I feel i am the one who is the victim here. I have try many times to reason with her. She just won't listen. Relationship works both ways. Her old way of thinking is very undesirable and she thinks she is right all the time. She can throw her temper, slam the door, bang the bowls. No one in my family like her, she is always complaining about just everything. The maid, the house, my late dad, my dog, my brother, my brother-in-law and never herself. she always says she doesn't want to trouble us but in actual fact she is bothering with our lives.

At times, I am also tired and not in a good mood. Especially after work, go home hope to have a good rest and sleep it off. but only to reach home to face her tyrant, complains, etc... I am getting old too. Been having chest pain and back pain. Do I take it out on her? no I do not, I kept it to myself. I don't trouble her with my work. I know she is lonely but to listen to the same thing again and again, daily, 24hrs, 7 days, monthly, 365 days... is just terror....

I am seriously very tired. I am ready to throw in the towel. People can say i am cruel. When my dog goes, i am going to find a place to stay where i don't need to feel stressful. Waiting and preparing for the moment she is throw her temper, slam the door, etc... it has been a very stressful 5 years. Fortunately and unfortunately my dad died early this year. Only left her alone. But my trouble didn't stop there and then. i want to stop all these arguments and quarrels. the truth is, she is difficult, bad temper, unreasonable and old thinking. even the neighbors cannot get along. her own sister also says the same thing. And my mum still think she is right.

After work come him, stressed at work, still have to be stress at home. I am only 41 and yet i feel like 50s. if i have a choice i should i left this house long ago. but she is my mum. both ways either I stay I suffer, I don't stay she suffer. Sometimes, i understand why children put their parents in the old folks home.

Edited November 17, 2012 by happy.99

[raind]

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Edited February 20, 2013 by raind

[bluemarlin]

Hey Happy.99, i agree with Raind, many of us facing the same problems. We cant do much to her but only to change ourselves. In the first place, its the nature of women to be naggy and demanding, especially after manopause. You may observe when you are in the public, many of those elderly women's behaviour are weird. If you remember the youtube clip when the old lady quarrel with the young gal, that is the classical example. Secondly, elderly people will have this old age depression thingy and they got aggitated easily and like to throw tantrum for a single trivial issue. I got to know this when i send my mom to see a geriatrician, she actually prescript my mom the anti depression drugs. That's where i get to know the fact of old age depression. This may starts as young as 50s for women.

So what i am going to tell you is that, most of us are facing the same frastration day in day out. We are not any super human but the same as you. Most of us are in our 30s or 40s, some even 50s. We ourselves may face midlife crisis or andropause. Once our testosterone level drops, we are equally anxious and temperamental. So just beware and control our temper towards the old folks.

Another way is to constantly recall how our parents brought us up when we were young. I remember my mom loves me the most, she woke up in the middle of the night to feed me panadol and milk when i was sick at the age of 4-5 i think. She carried me on the side of her waist and standing at the long queue in the polyclinic. You know how tiring standing for like half an hour ? She bought me candy that no other sibling will have the privilege. Mind you we were extremely poor that time. When i recall all these incidents vividly, i will boost my morale up again and tell myself i have to treat her nicely when she is not as capable now.

Life is a cycle, we shit eveywhere when we were a baby. We are naughty when we grow a little older. We are rebellious when we are a teen. That is a good 20 years that our parents havve to bear with us. So now is our turn to bear with them for the next 20 years when their decline in their life stages.

Its good to share our problems here so that some members can encourage and motivate each other. so hang in there, when the day comes, we can be happy and not regret.

[happy.99]

Tks guys, you guys should know that if not because of what she have done for me, i would have long gone. i would want to face her again. nobody wants to talk to her. even my own brother avoid meeting her by hiding at the staircase till she go back home.

seriously, do anyone of us want to do that? of course not. i understand how old age affects them. i suspects she is having depression. how do i get her to see a doctor on this and where and how to do it?

[bluemarlin]

hey guys, hows the going so far ? anyone has problem copping ?

[raind]

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Edited February 20, 2013 by raind

[Slynn]

It's encouraging to see fellow members showing care and concern for one another Jiayou ar raind!

I'm having my own problem with my parents as well (Even though it is more of my emotional barrier than their)

As my parents aged, they can't do certain things anymore. This include climbing the stairs/walking long distance/standing for prolonged period. This actually made them more pessimistic as they think they'll eventually become a burden for us

I find it hard to reassure them that it's fine and that it's part of the aging process. It makes me sad and feel helpless when i see them feeling frustrated about the fact that they can no longer do certain things anymore. It is not the condition that's killing them slowly, it's their mood and emotions

Hope things get better soon (: Especially when their scheduled treatment begins.

Edited December 8, 2012 by Slynn

[darkflame]

Reading your topic, I understand a part of what you are feeling.

Your situation may be far worse than me but I'd like to chip in what I'd like to say too.

My mother suffered from chronic depression for 5 years.

It started when I was still in JC 2 when I was 18, when suddenly my mother broke down and kept crying that it scared us.

We brought her to the hospital and the doctor diagnosed her with depression.

There were times when she wanted to commit suicide so someone had to be with her at home.

Sometimes, I was out with my friends, and my mother would call me and tell me everyone wants her dead and that would scare me because I'd hop onto a taxi home.

There were times when I got very angry and almost wanted to tell, 'WTF do you want now?!' out of irritation.

Fortunately, she got better after 5 years with a good doctor and rehab.

I won't say she has recovered because she has relapses (She just had one last Thursday) and is still on medication.

[bluemarlin]

And, this is the final solution....

Had a meeting with brothers this evening in the dinning hall. We did not discuss about my mom's condition because we all knew. The moment i turned around to see her sitting there quietly watching tv and seems enjoying the the family gethering, i became dilemma again... Have i done the right thing ?? will i regret ??

I am confused. I am lost. And my heart bleeds. Am i too unsympathetic ?

I know its cruel but on the other hand i know it could be better there. But again i do not know if i will regret.

[glowingember]

My mom just had a one-week hospital stay at SGH.

Dialysis was a problem due to blood thickening.

But the more worrying issue was her state of mind - confusion.

Luckily the confusion was temporary and doctors had taken her off tramadol and calcium pills.

We are now getting her to talk and do things more so that she can be more alert.

[glowingember]

Hi Bluemarlin,

Every family will have their challenges.

Since you and your siblings have made the decision, perhaps you might want to list down the possible heartaches or problems you might face and how to counter them.

If she is going to nursing home, visit her more often, ask the nurses and doctors more questions regarding her welfare so that they know family members are concerned about the patient. Build a relationship with the home so that they will see her at a more personal level.

[bluemarlin]

hi glowingember, thanks for your advice, i guess this is a very complex emotional issue. I hope i am not doing the wrong thing as i cant bear to send her there. But since we have decided, i cant withdraw last mins as i did for the past few times. SO i can only pray for the best.

What happened to your mom ?

[happy.99]

fine for me. learning to let my mind drfit when she compplains. hahahaha... but wtd like?

[abang]

Taking care of aged parents is a necessary 'evil' for many of us, gay sons/daughters.

We are expected to look after them as we are perceived as having more time and money.

To our married siblings, it is difficult for them as they have to cater for their families.

If you have read my earlier posts, I have long resigned and let the matter rest.

As long as my mother is still mentally sound, she deserves to live and be loved.

My mother, domestic helper and I have a common habit - we all like OCK's curry puff.

So we have it once a week together... you can see the joy from her wrinkled face.

Nagging parents can be quite a nuisance.

The best thing to do is to find out the reason why your mother is so naggy.

If that is her way to show her presence, then you should let her 'shout, shout, let it all out'.

Just ignore her temperament... try to 'angkat' her every now and then..

To err is human, to forgive is divine...

[glowingember]

@bluemarlin

My mom has diabetes for the past 30 years.

The disease has led to high blood pressure, narrowing of blood veins, kidney failure and cataracts.

At this moment, she also has osteoarthritiis so she usually complains of pain.

In February, the blood vessel/veins in her legs became so narrow that she had 3 of her toes amputated. So movement became more challenging. And because of the operation, she stopped her blood-thinning medication meant for dialysis. Last week, the nurses couldn't perform the dialysis so she had to be admitted to the hospital for angioplasty. That's when she started saying confusing stuff, so a CT scan and a review of her medication were done. Now things are kind of back to normal and we try to engage her more to keep her mind active.

We are lucky as the siblings all chip in to help, either financially or physically. I've my share of yelling with my mom but much less these days. I realised that losing one's capabilities and feeling burdensome are very depressing thoughts. I learned to be more accepting after my uncle reminded me that when I was very young, my mother gave me unconditional love. Nursing homes did come to my mind as my mother at times would do risky things when we aren't at home, but that will be the last resort. The second last resort is to hire a domestic help.

Tks for asking.

@Abang

Tks for the advice on hearing naggy parents out. It will come in useful.

[raind]

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Edited February 20, 2013 by raind

[jason]

raind - its a blessing meeting you as I've gained much from your sharings.

[dannysuz]

My father passed away 5 years ago. Every time, we pray our father, I feel sad and regret that I did not take care of him. The reason is that I am busy with my work - an excuse. My father passed away while I was in Korea on job asignment. I did not see him the last time. Today, I am very regret why I did that. I cry sometime and wish to say sorry to my dad but this is not possible. I am not dare to face my brother and sister. The bad name is with me forever. Wish to have a pill to end me when I become old and useless. I do not want to trouble my brother and sister.

I salute Abang. You are great man !!.

[raind]

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Edited February 20, 2013 by raind

[luke84]

though I have siblings, but it seems like I'm going to be the one taking care of my parents when they grow old and starts to develop medical problems.

wanna ask if I should top up their insurance for them, or just add rider to their medishields?

anyone knows that under the laws, how much responsibility should a child bear? (just in case my savings are insufficient, I can request for my siblings to play their role.)

[slackerj]

Bluemarlin - Just sharing your experience is a release for the stress that has been building up from taking care of your mother. As long as you did your best, there's no need to worry about how other's will look at you. If you are sending your mom to a home, just make sure you visit her often.Take care of yourself as well, worrying too much might leads to depression. I assisted my parents with my bedridden grandma for almost a decade, so i can sort of understand how you feel.

Luke84 - The government is going to be tweaking with the elder shield and medi shield again, so its a case of sit & watch to know what changes will be made to ensure proper coverage. As for law, there's not really any written rules,but there are court cases with parents going after their children for funds. Therefore the precedence is there. If its medical cost, your siblings medisave could be used as well. Medifund application will only be considered if all avaliable source has been depleted, I think. Hope it helps.

[abang]

Seriously gay guys are filial sons.

I've just returned from the 3 Divas (Frances Yip, Eliza Chen and Kwan Ju ying) at the Singapore Indoor Stadium.

 

The concert was great but what was greater was to see so many filial gay sons we have here in Singapore.

I enjoyed their singing and many, just like me and my beloved mother, were mouthing them word for word.

Keep up the good work!

Happy Yuan-xiao-jie...

[TamPenis]

I don't live with my aged parents but that doesn't mean that im saved from the stress. My mum is the worse to pleased compared to my dad. She refuse to leave home to dine out with us and is she does agree to go out, we should have a taxi stand by and ready to ferry us to the destination. She being a small eater will finish her meal earlier than us all and pester us to hurry cos she wants to go home immediately. And again a taxi should be awaiting for us. Any waiting will made her frustrated and she starts to nag. That would spoiled the entire family outing and our mood.

Most days she would call me at a wrong timing... In the morning when im in the mrt; at work when it's not convenient to answer her call.... amongst others, eventhough I had reminded her many times to call me between 8.30am to 9.00am; 12 noon to 2pm; and after 6.30pm. But if during other times if she call and I didn't answer, I will return call when time permits. Once she did and had been continuously calling non-stop. Out of rage, I answered "what's so urgent? Did dad pass on?" But the reason of her call was that the TV in the hall had brokedown.

Her request is a demand. One weekend when I was out with my colleagues, she called and asked my whereabout. I said im having lunch at Orchard. Then she replied, "Drop by on your way home with Fried Banana." I was like WTF! Im at Orchard Road, where the hell can I get Fried Banana? I had plan the day with lunch, movie & dinner with friends and dropping by with Fried Banana at her place was never in my agenda but with her calling every 15 minutes asking what time im reaching, I canceled the rest of the plan with my friends.

Both of them live with my sister & her hubby. To me, my sister is a saint... Always able to keep her composure at all challenging situation. I prayed without fail for strength and patient to face these challenges.

Once my mom even blurred out in anger "I know my children hates me cos im old. Why not you pray that I pass on early." Both my sis and I are worries that should dad pass on earlier than mom, mom's situation would be worst off than now. Dad has been the peacemaker in the family.

[abang]

You know the female can last at least ten years after the departure of their husbands!

The age difference between my parents is 15 years.

Dad left us in Aug 1995, 3 months after Teresa Teng.

Mom is still around - wheel-chair bounded but not reasonable.

She is very happy with the now not-so-new domestic helper.

 

She lives with me now as I have no spouse, no children.

Perhaps being gay is the biggest "Blessing" for her.

I count my blessings that she is alive and cheerful every morning - she eats almost everything except non-Chinese food.

For her, she must have a tiny bowl of rice every night.

[shyc]

I just read thru all 3 pages of this topic and I salute all your hard work and efforts.  I hope all are well and happy.  

 

In life, nothing is permanent. All things come to an end eventually. WE are human and constantly surrounded and affected by our own emotions and thoughts. I too face the same struggles, day in day out. What kept me going are thoughts that somethings we dread doing, may one day, not be there for us to do, even if we beg for it. 

 

Some years ago, at a hospital, I had a casual chat with this aunty who seems fairly independent and happy. Just have an op to removed a growth in her head was her answer when I ask her why she was warded. After some exchanges of stories, can't quite remember what, she suddenly say in Hokkien about "what meaning is there to be human?" I tried hard to fake a smile and told her how great she look and act especially since only a day aft her op. But my sadness was the fact that she didn't know she had a cancerous growth in her brain remove. I accidentally over heard her children talking about it and that she was totally in the dark about it. 

 

In the opposite bed, the elderly malay aunty would sit by the balcony and tell me how the ground floor ward was a fish market because every morning when she sit there she see people pushing carts of fishes for cleaning and sorting. She never had visitors and she claim her son is in NS. She said her son will eventually turn up because she is holding on to her late husband money for their son. 

 

In another situation, most likely dementia aunty seems like she is still in her teen/young adulthood where she is still being court by hot young bloods. Each time a filipino nurse leave her side she will whisper to me that they are trying to snatch her boyfriend away from her. She also rarely have visitors.

 

The very first situation, her children were filial enough to hide the truth from her but I question if it's a good decision as she might have things she would want to convey or do if she knew how bad her condition were. The other 2 who don't even have the present state of mind and no visitors. I am sure they have children too but where are they? This are true and not fictional, hopefully it inspire you, the caregiver, the filial son, the out-of-no-choice son, the cannot-bear-to-abandon son to give yourself a pat on the back. Yes, you may be angry, you may have flare up, you may be tired but most important, you care enough to still show your love. No love is greater than our parents love and no other way to show our love than to help them back at their most needed. 

[abang]

My aged mother had another regular medical check-up at the Toa Payoh Polyclinic.

This is one of the most efficient facility I've experienced.

 

Queues were clear promptly and politely.

The medical team was professional and managed to pacify all the sick and old patients effortlessly.

 

My mother got a rather clean bill of health and her next appointment is 24 weeks later.

That really brought a smile on the old lady...

 

Cheers to TPP's staff and keep up the good work.

[Radioboi]

Gratitude is the one of the hardest emotions to express. Deep down, I am sure everyone wants to be filial to their parents, because we are so thankful and grateful for their guidance. I am not sure, but it's hard sometimes because I still feel slightly "embarrassed". I find it, awkward. Maybe it's just me. 

[TamPenis]

Last Sat, I had to accompany my dad for his bi-weekly therapy. Instead of heading home,as usual, after the therapy, he wanted to have breakfast at Geylang Serai market. Once we reached home, mum complained that her fridge had brokendown and wanted it to be fix immediately. I made a few calls and managed to get a service guy to fix the fridge in the afternoon. Told mum about it and said that I had to leave for an appointment and left some monies to my brother for the fees. But she insist that I stayed on and gave thousands of reason why I should which I found it unreasonable and unnecessary. These led to an arguments which then triggers her depression. I relented and stayed on. Not only that, I took an urgent leave on Monday to accompany her to CGH for her appointment eventhough it was supposed to be my sis but mum insisted to be me, instead.

[kayz87]

Applaud bluemarlin for your patience! I guess no matter wat ur mum has become. Your love shouldnt be affected. Altho the frustrations from the entire experience is really a big fuss, I guess this is something beyond her control as well. I am saying that cause im seeing how my own grandfather is slowly deterioating into a state of dementia and fighting terminal stage cancer as well pains me. Even tho he behaves like a kid and throws tantrums, I am treating this as if it were his second childhood. Just like how he had beared with my nonsense when I was under their care at young age.

Kudos to all the parent grandparents loving individuals.cause this episode has made me realize how many relatives do care about my grandparents now that they are old and sickly. Everything is about the dollars and cents.

[abang]

TP, I am so sorry to hear about your plight.

I hope your mother's mood swings dont affect your work performance and your life.

 

Your case amplify the stress faced by many gay men.

I don't know about you but I am forking out 100% of my mother's expenditure - daily and medical.

I have resigned to a stage where I don't ask for help from my siblings anymore.

 

But still, I consider myself fortunately.

My 87 years old mother gets along with her domestic foreigner caregiver whom started in May 2012.

The two of them work well with each other despite initial jitters.

Like I had mentioned earlier, we can choose friends but not family.

So bear with it... Ganbatte kudasai.加油

[livelife2fullest]

Hi. I went thru almost all d unfortunate situations mentioned here, whether with my mum, siblings, maids, relatives, frens, nursing home, home care, hospital, finance, emotions, meals, transport, etc, etc. I quit my overseas job & cared for my mum for 3 years as I watched her deteriorate in pain till recently when she passed on.

This situation we faced is pretty unique to Sg unmarried child with aged parents, yet we're not d only one facing them, as seen here, many of us faced d same problems. I admire d Americans who practically hv to care for themselves while we still hv much avenues to go to for help, subsidiaries, free services, etc. We're actually luckier than many others.

I cried in silence often on what I went thru, esp when my mum herself didn't show appreciation for all tt I did for her, even sided with my siblings, but each time she smiled quietly at me, all became worth it

I believe learning to "let go" & "lower expectations" helps.

Let go of d idea tt ur parent shld show appreciation to u & expect such ungrateful responses (they're actually suffering & venting their frustration but in d "wrong" way). Let go of d logic tt ur siblings shld be helping instead of lip service & expect to shoulder these mostly by urself. Let go of all these "logical" ideas & expect to confront all these problems urself ... it's a change in prospective, looking at things from another angle ... once u learn to let go, u'll be less stressed out ... progressively & feel happier

Don't go into self pity cos u'll go into depression. There're no single solution but seek help, seek subsidies, find time to relax, chat with others facing or faced similar situations.

Hang in there. Be strong. God is watching & as long as u're doing ur best, tt's what count

[dcx2210]

have to learn to deal with them. for me if my mum throw temper, i will ignore her. until she talks to me.