crazygolfer Posted September 6, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2014 Golf Quote:If I had my way, any man guilty of golf would be barred from any public office in the United States and the families of the breed would be shipped off to the white slave corrals of Argentina.~ H.L. Mencken Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted September 6, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2014 Golf Quote:My dad has always taught me these words: care and share. That's why we put on clinics. The only thing I can do is try to give back. If it works, it works.~ Tiger Woods Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted September 6, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2014 Golf Quote:Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss.~ Author Unknown Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted September 6, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 6, 2014 Golf Joke: Ribbit A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing.He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears; "Ribbit: 9 Iron" The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears; "Ribbit: 9-Iron" "Ribbit: 9-Iron" He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts theclub away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup.He is shocked.He says to the frog,"Wow that's amazing..you must be a lucky frog".The frog replies, "Ribbit: lucky frog" The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks."Ribbit: 3 Wood" The guy takes out a 3-wood and, Boom! Hole in one...The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say.By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life. He asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit: Las Vegas"They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?' The frog says, "Ribbit: Roulette" Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks,"What do you think I should bet?"The frog replies"Ribbit $3,000 on black 6"Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, butafter the golf game the man figures what the heck.Boom! Tons of chips come sliding back across the table The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the Hotel.He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful"The frog replies; "Ribbit: Kiss Me" He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it..With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 25-year-old girl. "And that, Your Honour, is how the girl ended up in my room" "So help me God" "Or my name is not Craig Thompson" clementi 1 Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted September 19, 2014 Report Share Posted September 19, 2014 Golf Joke: Buying a golfing gift A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch. The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf. The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. “How much is it?” she asked. “One-hundred and fifty dollars,” he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so. “But it comes with an inscription,” the pro said. “What kind of inscription?” she asked. “Whatever you wish,” he explained. “But, one of the old golfers’ favorites is: ‘Never Up, Never In’.” “Oh, that will never do!” exclaimed the wife. “That’s what started the argument in the first place.” crazygolfer 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted September 19, 2014 Report Share Posted September 19, 2014 Golf Joke: Hit Man An executive with a new young wife and a yen for golf decided about December one year that he couldn't take it any longer.So he said to his wife one evening, "Honey, next Friday we're going to Hilton Head for the weekend. We'll get a condo on the golf course and I'm going to play golf all weekend.""That sounds fine," she purred. And, sure enough, next Saturday morning at 6 a.m., found him on the golf course, all alone.After playing two holes, he noticed a man carrying a golf bag walking toward him across a fairway.The exec. waited, and the other man arrived, saying, "Mind if I play along?"The exec. said, "Fine. Glad to have the company." All went well for a couple of holes, until each approached the sixth green. When the new fellow laid down his clubs, the cover came off one club.The exec. noticed, however, that it wasn't a club at all. It was a high powered rifle."Whoa," he said. "That's a high powered rifle!""Look," said the other man. "I'm not out to cause any trouble. If you want me to leave, I will. No hard feelings.""No. No," said the exec. "I'm just curious as to why you have a high-powered rifle in your bag."The other man pondered for a moment and then said, "Well, I'll tell you. It's my business. It's what I do for a living.""Wow," said the other. "I've heard about guys like you, but I've never met one before." "Still want me to play?" said the other."Sure," said the Erie exec. "As a matter of fact, you know, I do a little hunting. Would you mind if I look at it?"The other man showed him the rifle. It was beautiful--an inlaid Weatherby with a huge powerful scope mounted on it.The exec. picked it up, looked through the scope, and said, "Gee, I can see the window of my condo with this thing. Matter of fact, there's my wife." He lowered the gun for a moment and said, "she doesn't have any clothes on." He looked through the scope again. "Damn, there's a guy with her."The Erie exec. lowered the rifle and looked at the other man. "How much do you charge?" "$10,000 a bullet," said the man.The Erie man thought for a moment, and said, "Do it.""Which one?" said the hit man."Both," said the exec."That's $20,000, you know.""I don't care, hit 'em both."The hit man took two cartridges from his bag and loaded the rifle. "Where do you want me to get the man?" he asked."Blow his nuts off" said the exec."How about the woman?" "In the mouth. She's always flapping her gums anyway.""Ok," said the hit man as he raised the rifle. Taking careful aim, he clicked off the safety, but then he paused and chuckled. "Mister," he said, "I think I'm going to be able to save you ten thousand dollars." crazygolfer 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted September 19, 2014 Report Share Posted September 19, 2014 Golf Joke: Exercise While Pregnant The room was full of pregnant women and their partners, and the Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along with informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.The teacher then announced, "Ladies, exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"The room really got quiet.Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand."Yes?" replied the teacher."Is it alright if she carries a golf bag while we walk?" crazygolfer 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
clementi Posted September 19, 2014 Report Share Posted September 19, 2014 Golf Joke: Drinking, Gambling, and Golf A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?""No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said."Will you use it to gamble?""I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.""Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?""Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."The bum was astounded."Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."The man replied, "That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf." crazygolfer 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted September 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2014 Golf Quote:Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.~ Chi Chi Rodriguez Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted September 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2014 Golf Quote:Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.~ Chi Chi Rodriguez Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted September 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2014 Golf Quote:Baseball players quit playing and they take up golf. Basketball players quit, take up golf. Football players quit, take up golf. What are we supposed to take up when we quit?~ George Archer Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted September 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2014 Golf Quote: Golf balls are attracted to water as unerringly as the eye of a middle-aged man to a female bosom.~ Michael GreenThe Art of Coarse Golf, 1967. Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted September 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2014 Golf Quote:Golf is like life in a lot of ways - All the biggest wounds are self-inflicted.~ Bill Clinton Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted September 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2014 Golf Quote:Golf is not just an exercise; it's an adventure, a romance... a Shakespeare play in which disaster and comedy are intertwined.~ Harold Segall Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted September 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2014 Golf Quote:The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.~ Will Rogers Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted September 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2014 Golf Quote:I don't like to watch golf on television because I can't stand people who whisper.~ David Brenner Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted September 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2014 Golf Quote:One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball.~ Don Carter Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted September 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2014 Golf Joke:The law of golf 1 LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe. Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted September 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted September 20, 2014 Golf Joke: The law of golf 2 LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you? Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Quote: If you're caught on a golf course during a storm and are afraid of lightning, hold up a 1-iron. Not even God can hit a 1-iron. ~ Lee Trevino Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Quote: A golf course outside a big town serves an excellent purpose in that it segregates, as though a concentration camp, all the idle and idiot well-to-do. ~ Osbert Sitwell Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Quote: Playing the game I have learned the meaning of humility. It has given me an understanding of futility of the human effort. ~ Abba Eban Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Quote: If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him. ~ Bob Hope Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Quote: If I hit it right, it's a slice. If I hit it left, it's a hook. If I hit it straight, it's a miracle. ~ Author Unknown Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Quote: If you are going to throw a club, it is important to throw it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up. ~ Tommy Bolt Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Quote: I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles. ~G. K. Chesterton Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Quote: My handicap?Woods and irons. ~ Chris Codiroli Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Quote: Even God has to practice his putting. ~ Golf Saying Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Quote: Fifty years ago, 100 white men chasing one black man across a field was called the Ku Klux Klan. Today it's called the PGA Tour. ~ Author Unknown Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Quote: Golf: A game in which you claim the privileges of age and retain the playthings of youth. ~ Author Unknown Often attributed to Samuel Johnson, who never said it about golf but wrote this: "It is unjust to claim the privileges of age, and retain the play-things of youth." Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Quote: Golf is essentially an exercise in masochism conducted out-of-doors. ~ Paul O'Neil Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Quote: There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies. ~ Author Unknown Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Quote: A golf course is nothing but a poolroom moved outdoors. ~Barry Fitzgerald Going My Way. Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Quote: Golf is a game in which the ball lies poorly and the players well. ~ Art Rosenbaum Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Quote: The number of shots taken by an opponent who is out of sight is equal to the square root of the sum of the number of curses heard plus the number of swishes. ~Michael Green The Art of Coarse Golf, 1967. Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Quote: The least thing upset him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows. ~ P.G. Wodehouse Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Quote: All I've got against it is that it takes you so far from the clubhouse. ~Eric Linklater Poet's Pub, 1929. Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Quote: "After all, golf is only a game," said Millicent. Women say these things without thinking. It does not mean that there is a kink in their character. They simply don't realise what they are saying. ~P.G. Wodehouse Order by Golf, 1922. Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Joke: Orgasm A professor was giving a lecture on involuntary muscular contractions to his first year medical students. Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, he decided to lighten the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, "Do you know what your asshole is doing while you're having an orgasm?" She replied, "He's probably playing golf with his friends." Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Joke: Lawyer Joke A lawyer was out golfing when he was hit in the head by a golf ball. When the other golfer came to get his ball the lawyer said, “I’m a lawyer and this is going to cost you $5,000.” The other golfer said, “Didn’t you hear me yell FORE?” The lawyer then said, “I’ll take it!!!” Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Joke: Golf lesson A retiree was given a set of golf clubs by his co-workers. Thinking he’d try the game, he asked the local pro for lessons, explaining that he knew nothing whatever of the game. The pro showed him the stance and swing and then said, “Just hit the ball toward the flag on the first green.” The novice teed up and smacked the ball straight down the fairway and onto the green, where it stopped inches from the hole. “Now what?” the fellow asked the speechless pro. The pro just stood there and stared at the novice. “Uh… you’re supposed to hit the ball into the cup,” the pro finally said after he was able to speak again. “Oh great! NOW you tell me,” said the beginner in a disgusted tone. Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Joke: The golfer There was a man named George who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 10 minutes late. On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Next Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there,but he may be 10 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golfs left handed, and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 10 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed. The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ”George, every Saturday you say you may be ten minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?” George replies, ”Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.” ”Well,” one of the employees questioned, ”What happens if she is laying on her back?” George replies, ”Then I am 10 minutes late.” Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Joke: Wife won’t like it One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy. Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?" "Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied. "Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later." "That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted. She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it." After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset." "Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Under the cart!" I said. Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 28, 2014 Golf Joke: Christmas Golf Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf when one of them commented on how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed - and without an argument, go directly to the golf course to meet his buddies for 18 holes. All three of his friends unanimously agree, "Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning!" A few weeks later it's Christmas morning - and there all are standing next to each other on the first tee box. One friend exclaims "Boy this game cost me a fortune! I had to buy my wife such a huge diamond ring, she can't even take her eyes off it." Another friend says, "I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures." The third friend replies "Well, my wife is at home admiring her new car" reading the manual." Silence from the fourth guy" The other three friends in the group look puzzled, while the final guy in the foursome is staring at them like they must have lost their minds. "I can't believe you all went to such and expense for a round of golf. I just woke up, slapped her on the butt and said, "Well babe, Merry Christmas! Golf or sex, what's it gonna be" and she said "Take a sweater." Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 29, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2014 Golf Quote: Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful woman - and you can keep the golf clubs and fresh air. ~ Jack Benny Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 29, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2014 Golf Quote: Golf combines two favorite American pastimes: taking long walks and hitting things with a stick. ~ P.J. O'Rourke Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 29, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2014 Golf Quote: No man has mastered golf until he realizes that his good shots are accidents and his bad shots are good exercise. ~ Eugene R. Black Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 29, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2014 Golf Quote: Golf is the cruelest of sports. Like life, it's unfair. It's a harlot. A trollop. It leads you on. It never lives up to its promises.... It's a boulevard of broken dreams. It plays with men. And runs off with the butcher. ~ Jim Murray Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 29, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2014 Golf Quote: The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. ~ Roger Simon Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazygolfer Posted November 29, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 29, 2014 Golf Quote: Golf is an open exhibition of overweening ambition, courage deflated by stupidity, skill scoured by a whiff of arrogance. ~Alistair Cooke Quote Quote: Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at them. ~ US Professional Golfer Jimmy DemaretQuote: If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. ~ Actor Bob Hope (1903 - 2003) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts