Golf Discussion 2, Golf Joke, Quote, Etc

[crazygolfer]

Well, for golf lovers, we start a new thread here.

Golf Quote of the Day:

"The fun you get from golf is indirect ratio to the effort you don't put into it."

~ Bob Allen (US baseball manager)

[clementi]

Jokes: Golf Beginner

My wife said to me, "George, it's about time that you learned to play golf - You know, golf. That's the game where you chase a ball all over the country when you are too old to chase women."

So, I went to see Teaching Golf Pro and asked him if he would teach me how to play. He said, "Sure, you've got balls, haven't you?" I said, "Yes, but sometimes on cold mornings they're kinda hard to find." "Bring them to the clubhouse tomorrow." he said, "And we will tee off." "What's tea off?" I asked. He said, "It's a golf term and we have to tee off in front of the clubhouse." "Not at a bar somewhere?"

"No, no," he said. "A tee is a little thing about the size of your little finger." "Yeah, I've got one of those." "Well," he said, "You stick it in the ground and put your ball on top of it." I asked, "Do you play golf sitting down? I always thought you stood up and walked around." "You do." he said. "You're standing up when you put your ball on the tee."

Well, folks, I thought that was stretching things a little too far, and I said so. He said "You've got a bag haven't you?" "Sure," I said. He said, "Your balls are in it, aren't they?" "Of course." I told him. Well, he said, "Can't you open the bag and take one out?" I said, "I suppose I could, but damned if I was going to." He asked if I didn't have a zipper on my bag, but I told him, "No, I'm the old fashioned type."

Then he asked me if I knew how to hold my club. Well, after fifty years I should have some sort of an idea, and I told him so. He said, "You take your club in both hands." I knew right then he didn't know what he was talking about. Then he said, "You swing it over your shoulder." "No, no, that's not me. That's my brother you're thinking about." He asked me, "How do you hold your club?" I said, "With two fingers."

He said that wasn't right and got behind me, put both arms around me, and told me to bend over and he would show me how. He couldn't catch me there, because I didn't put four years in the Navy for nothing. He said you hit the ball with your club and it will soar and soar, I said I could well imagine.

Then, he said, "And when you're on the green ..." "What's the green?" I asked. "No, then you take your putter? "What's the putter?" I asked. "That's the smallest club made," he said. "That's what I've got, a putter." "With it," he said, "you put your ball in the hole." I corrected him, "You mean the putter?" He said, "No, the ball. The hole isn't big enough for the ball and the putter." Well, I've seen holes big enough for a horse and wagon.

Then he said, "After you make the first hole, you go on to the next 17." He wasn't talking to me. After two holes, I'm shot to hell. "You mean," he said, "You can't make 18 holes in one day?" "Hell no. It takes me 18 days to make one hole and besides, how do I know when I'm in the 18 hole?" He said, "The flag would go up."

That would be just my luck.

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"Golf is a game in which you yell 'fore', shoot six, and write down five."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Weekend My Golf Days

A couple whose passion had waned, saw a marriage counselor and went through a number of appointments that brought little success.

Suddenly at one session the counselor grabbed the wife and kissed her passionately. "There" he said to the husband, "That's what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday".

"Well," replied the husband, "I can bring her in on Mondays and Wednesdays but Saturdays and Sundays are my golf days."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"I know I am getting better at golf because I am hitting fewer spectators."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Golfing at Pebble Beach

A man playing as a single at Pebble Beach was teamed with a two-some. After a few holes, the two=some finally asked why he was playing such a beautiful course by himself.

He replied that he & his wife had played the course every year - for over 20 years - but this year she had passed away and he kept the tee time in her memory.

The two-some commented that they thought certainly someone would have been willing to take her spot. " So did I" he said - "but they all wanted to go to the funeral"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Joke: You Bet Your (Sex) Life

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.

The golfer says to him, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless, but also that perhaps this is a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure."

He makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win.

Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle.

As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am.

I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father (Priest) O'Malley."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball into an even smaller hole, with weapons singularly ill-designed for the purpose."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Struck By Lightning

A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went to heaven. Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner.

But, because Heaven doesn't want it known that he makes mistakes, the man would have to go back to earth as someone other that himself.

Well, the man thought about it for awhile and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian. Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like him would choose to return as a lesbian.

The man answered, "It's simple really, this way I can still make love to a woman, AND I can hit from the red tees"!!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"Give me golf clubs, fresh air and a beautiful partner, and you can keep the clubs and the fresh air."

~ Jack Benny (U.S. comedian & actor)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"If you break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80, watch your business."

~ Joey Adams (1911-1999), US comedian

[clementi]

Jokes: Guys And Dolls Tournament

A man and wife were playing in their club's annual "Guys and Dolls" tournament.

The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted. On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the mens.

Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly. At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband. "Mr. Davies, we found a golf ball lodged 3 inches into your wife's brain, which was the the cause of death.

But, we have found something else that really puzzles us." "What is it?" asked Mr. Davies. "Well," said the doctor, "we also found a golf ball lodged 6 inches into her anal cavity."

The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand "Oh, that was just my Mulligan!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"I played my first tournament when I was 10. The good news is that I won the girls' division. The bad news is that I was the only girl."

~ Judy Bell (U.S. Lady Golfer)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"The only sure rule in golf is - he who has the fastest cart never has to play the bad lie."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Great Big Bertha Woods

Hear the one about the bad tempered golfer who bought a new set of Great Big Bertha Woods.

After playing with them for a couple of rounds he returned to his pro shop and told the pro that these were the best clubs he had ever played with.

In fact "I can throw these clubs 40 yards further than my old ones" he told the pro

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"There's no better game in the world when you are in good company, and no worse game when you are in bad company."

~ Tommy Bolt (1918-) U.S. golfer

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"Golf is not, on the whole, a game for realists. By its exactitudes of measurement it invites the attention of perfectionists."

~ Heywood Hale Broun (1918-2001) U.S. broadcast journalist

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Score Cards

Watching from the Club house overlooking the 18th green, we saw a foursome approaching. Having marked their balls, suddenly one of the guys fell down and the three others started a fist fight.

The Golf Captain stormed out from the Club house to separate the fighting men. "Why are you fighting?" he asked "You see," said one of them, "my partner had a stroke and died just now, and these buggers want to include it on the scorecard."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

(About when he planned to retire) "Retire to what? I'm a golfer and a fisherman. There's nothing to retire to."

~ Julius Boros (1920-1994) US Golfer

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"One thing that will help you keep your calm while playing golf is to remember that nobody gives a damn about your bad golf...but you."

~ Don Herold (1889-1966) U.S. author

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

(About golf) "Nobody ever looked up and saw a good shot."

~ Don Herold (1889-1966) U.S. Author

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: 36-Holes!

After an enjoyable eighteen hole of golf, a man stopped in a bar for a beer before heading home. There he struck up a conversation with a ravishing young beauty.

They had a couple of drinks, liked each other, and soon she invited him over to her apartment. For two hours they made mad, passionate love.

On the way home, the the man's conscience started bothering him something awful. He loved his wife and didn't want this unplanned indiscretion to ruin their reationship, so he decided the only thing to do was come clean.

"Honey," he said when he got home, "I have a confession to make. After I played golf today, I stopped by the bar for a beer, met a beautiful woman, went back to her apartment and made love to her for two hours.

I'm sorry, it won't ever happen again, and I hope you'll forgive me." His wife scowled at him and said, "Don't lie to me, you sorry scumbag! You played thirty-six holes, didn't you?"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"You swing your best when you have the fewest things to think about."

~ Bobby Jones (1902-1971) U.S. golfer

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"Don't be in such a hurry. That little white ball isn't going to run away from you."

~ Patty Berg (1918-2006) U.S. golfer

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"Golf is an awkward set of bodily contortions designed to produce a graceful result."

~ Tommy Armour (1895-1968), U.S. (Scottish born) golfer

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Lost Ball

A man walked into the clubhouse and noticed a friend sitting in a corner wearing a neck brace. He sat down and asked his mate what happened.

"Well, I was playing golf and I hit my ball into the rough," replied his friend. "Then I met a lady who was looking for her ball too.

Finding mine, I thought I'd give her a hand. There was a cow nearby and I noticed that every time the cow twitched its tail there was a flash of white. So I went over to it and lifted its tail and sure enough there was the ball.

I called out to the lady, 'Ma'am, does this look like yours?' And the bitch hit me in the neck with her driver!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

Golf is so popular simply because it is the best game in the world at which to be bad.

~ A.A. Milne

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

Golf is a fascinating game. It has taken me nearly forty years to discover that I can't play it.

~ Ted Ray, Golf - My Slice of Life, 1972

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"Putts get real difficult the day they pass the money out."

~ Lee Trevino (US Legends golfer)

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

Tiger Woods: "Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

~ Tiger Woods, US Golfer, World Ranking 1

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

Mark Twain: "Golf is a good walk spoiled."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Extra Marital Affair

"Tom" sits in clubhouse bar thinking about his next extra marital affair. Deep in though about the subject he absent mindedly starts thinking allowed.

"Not worth it" he muttered, never as good as you hoped.

Expensive and above all drives the wife berserk." A friend who was sitting close by at the time and overheard Tom's words leaned across and said "come on Tom you knew what to do expect when you took up golf."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Fat Shots

Near the end of a particularly trying round of golf, during which the golfer had hit numerous fat shots, he said in frustration to his caddy, "I'd move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.

"Try heaven," said the caddy. "You've already moved most of the earth."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Hook Ball

Tom's tee shot off the first tee hooks horribly and skips off the clubhouse roof. He decides it's not worth chasing so he tees up another ball and plays on.

As he's making the turn at nine, his friend comes running out of the clubhouse, "Tom, wait up!"

"Yeah, what is it?" "Did you see what happened to your ball from the first tee?" "Well, I hooked the ball off the clubhouse roof but I didn't see what happened to it."

"Let me tell you, it richocheted off a van's window which went out of control and hit a school bus. The bus tumbled down an embankment and burst into flames! Three kids are in critical condition at the hospital!"

"Oh my God! What should I do?" "

"Well, I think if you just open your club face a little bit

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"There is nothing in this game of golf that can't be improved upon if you practice."

~ Patty Berg (1918-2006) U.S. golfer

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"If there is any larceny in a man, golf will bring it out."

~ Paul Gallico (1897-1976) US Novelist

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"I played golf. I did not get a hole-in-one, but I did hit a guy. That was way more satisfying."

~ Mitch Hedberg (1968-2005) US Comedian

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: .... If It's Raining

One mid-afternoon on a sunny day, a golfer teed up his ball. After a few practice swings, he steps up to his ball and gets ready to drive the first hole.

Just before he swings, a woman in a wedding gown comes running up from the parking lot. She's got tears streaming down her face. Just as she reaches the raised tee, she screams out, "I can't believe it! How could you do that?"

The golfer calmly takes a swing and drives the ball straight down the fairway. He looks at the woman, as he puts his driver back in his bag and says, "Hey...I said `only if it's raining"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Small World

There are two guys out on the course that come up on a couple of ladies playing slow. One of the guys walks up towards the ladies to ask if they can play through.

About halfway there he turns around and comes back and says to his friend, "I can't go up there and talk to them, that is my wife and my mistress."

So his friend replies, "I'll go up and ask them." When he is halfway there he turns around and comes back and states to his friend. "Small world".

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"No golfer can ever become too good to practice."

~ May Hezlet (1882-1969) English golfer

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"I don't care what anybody says. The first tournament is not the hardest one to win. It's always the second one."

~ John Daly (1966-) U.S. golfer

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"You swing your best when you have the fewest things to think about."

~ Bobby Jones (1902-1971) U.S. golfer

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Deserted Island

A man was stranded on a desert island for 10 years. One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wet suit.

Man: "Hi! Am I ever happy to see you."!

Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here along time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

Man: "It's been ten years!" With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man cigarette.

Man: "Oh thank you so much!"

Girl: "So tell me how long its been since you had a drink?"

Man: "It's been ten years"

The girl unzips a little longer zipper on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.

Man: "Oh,Thank you so much. You are like a miracle"!

Finally the girl starts to unzip the front of her wet suit and asks the man leadingly, "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around??"

The man looked at her and said excitedly: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there too??"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Golfing Bad Day

Mike and Bob had just finished the first nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day.

"Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today, what's the matter?" asked Bob.

Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Mable's dead."

"That's terrible," said Bob, "You think your wife is dead.

Aren't you sure?" "Well," responded Mike, "the sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Ladies Tee

It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Mike was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker -"Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"

Mike was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!"

Mike had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: Twin Golfers

Two golfers just came back to the club house for a drink. They overheard two Irish men were talking, "I used to live in Dublin too," said one. "I moved here when I was 10 too," said the other.

"My last name is O'Leary too." The two golfers that had heard asked a man walking by, "Who are these guys?" The man said, "Oh! That's the O'Leary twins, there just drunk."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: I Am A Hooker

A young golfer was playing in his first PGA Tour event. After his practice round he noticed a beautiful young lady by the clubhouse.

He went up to her, began talking, and convinced her to come back to his hotel room for the night. All through the night they made wild love together.

In the morning, the woman woke up and arose from bed. The man said, "Please don't go. I love you and I want you to stay with me."

The woman replied, "You don't understand...I'm a hooker."

The man said, "That's no problem, you probably just have too strong a grip."

[crazygolfer]

Golf Jokes: What Is The Difference?

Q: What is the difference between a golf ball and a "G-Spot"?

A: A man will spend 20 minutes looking for a golf ball!

Q: What is the hardest thing about playing golf with your wife?

A: Having to say, "Great shot, Honey!" 142 times

Q: What is the definition of the word "absentee?"

A: A missing golfing accessory.

Q: What is the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

A: A bad golfer goes, WHACK! "Damn." A bad skydiver goes, "Damn." WHACK!

Q: Why did the blonde golfer wear two pairs of shoes?

A: Just in case she got a hole in one!

[crazygolfer]

Golf Quote of the Day:

"Reverse every natural instinct and do the opposite of what you are inclined to do, and you will probably come very close to having a perfect golf swing."

~ Ben Hogan (1912-1997) U.S. golfer