Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: A Second Opinion

Two law partners hire a new cute young assistant, and a contest arises between them as who can bed her first, even though they’re both already married. Eventually one of them scores with her, and his partner is quite eager to hear how things went. 

“So what did you think?” asks the partner. 

“Aah, replies the first lawyer, my wife is better.” 

Some time goes by, and then the second lawyer goes to bed with the secretary. “So,” asks the first guy, “what did you think?” 

The second guy replies, “You’re right.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Right Word

A man goes to the doctor's and says, “I would I like to get castrated". The doctor tries to convince him but the man won't listen. All he keeps on saying is, "I want to get castrated! I want to get castrated! I want to get castrated!” 

The doctor says, "Your life will be changed after this operation. Do you still want to go ahead?" 

“Yes!" 

After a few hours the man is walking in the hospital with a walking stick in his hand and legs apart. He meets another man walking the same way. He says to the other guy, “So even you got the operation done?" 

The other man replied, "Yeah after 37 years of my life, I felt that it would be much better to get circumcised." 

"Crap. That’s the word!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Moving Testimony

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." 

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A lady is walking down the street...

A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.
When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady."

She paused and said," yes?"
The bird said, "you know." 
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A man was on trial for selling...

A man was on trial for selling drugs, and a neighbor was called as a witness. 

The defense attorney asked, "Did you ever get any cocaine or other drugs from the defendant?" 

"No sir," answered the man. 

"Did you ever get any from his wife?" 

"No sir." 

"Did you ever get any from his daughters?" 

"Uh...excuse me sir," the witness said, "but we're still talking about drugs here, right?" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Toilet Paper

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. 

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" 
"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." 
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." 

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll." 
"Give me the No Name," she says. 

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." 

"Why?" he asks. 
"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: While the bar patron savoured a...

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Religious Person

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. 

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack." 

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. 

The girl leans over to him and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." 

The boy leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mother of Six

A man has six children and he is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife “Mother of Six” in spite of her objections. 

One night they go to a party. The man decides that it’s time to go home, and he wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, “Shall we go home, Mother of Six?” 

His wife, irritated by her husband’s lack of discretion, shouts back, “Anytime you’re ready, Father of Four!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Live to be 100

Patient: How can I live to be 100, doctor? 

Doctor: Give up smoking. Stop drinking. Don’t go out with women. And stop eating meat. 

Patient: And will I live to be a hundred? 

Doctor: Maybe not, but it will certainly seem like it.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Last Night's Visitor

As I lay on my bed, thinking about you, I feel this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night. 

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me. 

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly without any reservations, you laid on my naked body...you sensed my indifference, so you applied your hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you drove me near crazy while you drained me. 

Finally I went to sleep. Today when I woke up, you were gone, I searched for you but to no avail, only the sheets bore witness to last nights events. 

My body still bears faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you. Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you... you stinkin' bloody mosquito.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Go Give Us A Donation

Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

He said "It's Al Gore. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations."

"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"

He said "about ten gallons."

[worldangel]

Joke: Jack & Leroy

Jack and Leroy were talking one day in the company lunch room. Leroy confessed that he had recently been having trouble with his woman. Leroy said they just didn't have that "spark" anymore, and sex was practically non-existent.

He asked Jack, who was his best friend, if Jack and his wife ever seemed to have that problem. Jack said, "Leory, my friend, whenever my wife and I get into a slump, I find that it's romance, man, romance. Candy, flowers and poetry that does the trick."

Leroy said "Romance, that romance shit don't work for black folks and poetry?!?? Man, I can't be saying off no poetry, that shit is for faggots."

Jack disagreed and stressed how romance spiced up his sex life with his wife. Leroy said " OK, bro, I'll give it try. What should I do?"

Jack said, "You go to the flower shop, pick up some beautiful flowers. Stop and get a big box of chocolates, and then, when you walk through the door, you make up a poem You need to say something about their how beautiful they are, and explain to them the way you want to make love to them."

Leroy says "Give me an example."

Jack thinks a moment and says, "Well, here's one that worked really well for me: "Beautiful blond hair, eyes like a dove Come here my darling, let's make sweet love."

Leroy says "OK, that sounds easy, I'll give it a try."

The next day, as Jack walks into the company lunch room, he sees Leroy. Leroy's head is swollen and covered with bruises. Jack rushes over and says "What happened to you?"

Leroy replies "I tried your fucking romance bullshit, that's what happened!" "What did you do? "Took your advice, went, got some flowers, stopped and got some candy, walked in the door and recited some poetry."

"And it didn't work?"

"Hell, no it didn't work... look at me. She beat the shit outta me."

Jack says "I just don't understand...Let's hear your poem."

Leroy replies: "Nappy hair, nappy hair eyes like a frog Bend over, bitch, I wanna fuck you like a dog."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Beautiful Daughter

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!" 

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed. 

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" 
The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Adult jokes-S*x during pregnancy

A man whose wife was pregnant, went to a doctor to ask whether he could have s*x with his wife.

The doctor replied, "Yes. For the first 3 months, you can do it like normal, for the next 3 months you can do it like a dog, and in last 3 months, you will have to do it like P-Boy"

The man reacts "P-Boy? How does a P-Boy do it?"

The doctor replies "Like Play boy, sleep with other women."

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny watched, fascinated ...

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 

'What's the matter?' asked Little Johnny. 'Giving up?' 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bribe...

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers.

"So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe."

Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

"You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000."

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon. "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Gifts For A Teacher

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. 
The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." 

"That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" 
"Oh, just a wild guess,"" she said. 
The next pupil was the candy shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets."

"That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. 
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. 

"Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. 
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" 
With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A lawyer walks into a bar and ...

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers. The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.
"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely. "Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde With Top Down

There were two blondes the just came out of the mall. As they walked through the parking lot, they remembered that they had left the keys in the car.

Realizing that they were locked out, the blondes got a hanger and tried to open the door. Hard at work, the first blonde stopped to catch her breath.

The other blonde got worried as she looked up a the sky and said, "We've got to hurry up and get in before it starts to rain. I don't want to get the seats wet because the top is down!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: What's Wrong With Them?

 

What's wrong with Lawyer jokes? 

Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else thinks they're jokes!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Clueless Idiot

A guy goes into a bar and tries to pick up on the barmaid. After many advances the barmaid gets fed up and tells him, “Look I'd really love to take you home but I'm on my menstrual cycle.” 

Not to be discouraged the fellow says, “That’s all right, I'll just follow you in my Hyundai."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mari, the Maid

Mrs. Heller was almost in tears. “Oh, Mari,” she said to her maid, “I believe my husband is having an affair with his secretary.” 

"I don’t believe it!” snapped Marie. “You’re just saying that to make me jealous.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Blondes Are Too Quiet

 

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level. 

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles. 

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" 

One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Was it a ghost?

There was this party in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. These two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Eeeeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!)

This old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???"

The old man softly replied, "Do you have any tobacco?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"

"Well, offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think about that?"

The driver says, "I don't know. How could that be? I was going pretty fast."

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.

"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!

"OH MY GOODNESS! HE'S BACK!"

He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.

The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hiring An Accountant

Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"Twenty-two," Kowalski replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.

The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest." 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Anger versus Exasperation

A young girl who was writing a paper for school came to her father and asked, “Dad, what is the difference between anger and exasperation?”
The father replied, “It is mostly a matter of degree. Let me show you what I mean.”

With that the father went to the telephone and dialed a number at random. To the man who answered the phone, he said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

The man answered, “There is no one living here named Melvin. Why don't you learn to look up numbers before you dial”.

“See,” said the father to his daughter. “That man was not a bit happy with our call. He was probably very busy with something and we annoyed him. Now watch….”

The father dialed the number again. “Hello, is Melvin there?” asked the father.

“Now look here!” came the heated reply. “You just called this number and I told you that there is no Melvin here! You've got lot of guts calling again!” The receiver slammed down hard.

The father turned to his daughter and said, “You see, that was anger. Now I'll show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number, and when a violent voice roared, “Hello!”

The father calmly said, “Hello, this is Melvin. Have there been any calls for me?”