Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Heaven and Hell

Two doctors and an HMO manager are killed in a train wreck and line up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.

One doctor steps forward and says: "I was a pediatric spinal surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities."

Saint Peter says: "Enter."

The other doctor says: "I was a psychiatrist. I helped rehabilitate thousands of people."

Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven, too.

The third applicant steps forward and says: "I was an ACC account manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care."

Saint Peter tells him: "You can come in, too."

As the ACC account manager walks by, Saint Peter adds: "But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma Jones...

Grandma Jones from the valley had never experienced a sick day in her life, so she didn't take it kindly when a bad case of the mulligrubs sent her to the hospital for observation.

By the time a pair of husky interns got Grandma tucked into bed, she had managed to complain about everything: the temperature, the lights, the skimpy gown, the food and the mattress - especially, the mattress.

Suddenly, Grandma spotted a small plastic item with a button, attached to a cord.

"What's that?" she demanded with great suspicion, suspecting it might be one of those high tech items the city folks talked about.

"If you need anything in the middle of the night, Grandma," said one of the interns, "just press that button."

"What does it do, ring a bell?" she asked.

"No, it turns on a light in the hall for the nurse on duty," the intern replied.

"A light in the hall?" responded Grandma. "Look, I'm the sick one around here. If the night nurse needs a light on in the hall, she can get up and switch it on herself."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A policeman brought four boys ...

A policeman brought four boys before a judge. 
"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said. 

"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. 
Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong." 

"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." 
"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." 

"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." 
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A local business was looking for ...

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:
"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."
The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.
The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.
By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.
The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Expert Advice

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dog Steals Roast

A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?"
The lawyer answers, "Absolutely."

"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."

The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 Several days later the butcher opens the mail and finds a bill from the lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.

[worldangel]

Joke: Twins

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:’'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I need water....

A traveler was stumbling through the desert, desperate for water, when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked towards the image, only to find a little old peddler sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out.

The parched wanderer asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your clothes."

The desperate man shouted, "I don't want a tie, you idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 5 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way, and they'll give you all the water you want."

The man thanked the peddler and walked away towards the hill and eventually disappeared out of sight. Three hours later he returned.

The man at the card table said, "I told you, about 5 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

"I found it all right. They wouldn't let me in without a tie."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A sister and brother are talking ...

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." 
The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."
The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."

So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Borrowed the Car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.”

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Funny exchanges in Court

Hilariously crazy exchanges in the court of Law:
Lawyer: Are you Donald Asher's mother?

Witness: Yes, I am.
Lawyer: How long have you known him?

----

Lawyer: What happened after that?

Witness: He said to me,"I have no choice but to kill you as you can identify me."

Lawyer: Did he kill you?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: So one day, Gramma sent her grandson ...

So one day, Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen. 

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!" 

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" 

"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: The key...

All the good knights were leaving for the Crusades. One knight told his best friend "My bride is without doubt one of the most beautiful women in the world. It would be a terrible waste if no man could have her. Therefore, as my best and most trusted friend, I am leaving you the key to her chastity belt to use should I not return from the Crusade in seven years."

The company of knights were only a mile or so out of town when they noticed a cloud of dust approaching. Thinking it might be an important message from the town the column halted. A horseman approached. It was the knight's best friend. He said "Hey, you gave me the wrong key!!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a man walking alone ...

There was a man walking alone along a beach. He comes across a bottle with a cork in it. The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A loud roar follows and a genie appears. The genie says to the man, "I'm a little tired today and I can only give you two wishes." 

The man says "That's OK, two is enough." "First, I would like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." 
Poof - The genie hands the man a paper and says "Here's the number to your account." 

Next the man says, "Second, I would like to be irresistible to women." 
Poof - the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A policeman brought four boys ...

A policeman brought four boys before a judge. 
"They were causing an awful lot of commotion at the zoo, your Honor," he said. 
"Boys," said the judge sternly, "I never like to hear reports of juvenile delinquency. 

Now I want each of you to tell me your name and what you were doing wrong." 
"My name is George," said the first boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." 
"My name is Pete," said the second boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." 

"My name is Mike," said the third boy, "and I threw peanuts into the elephant pen." 
"My name is Peanuts," said the fourth boy. 

[worldangel]

Joke: More beer

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."

The man sighed and said: "It's started.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Better job

Alice, a little girl of 5, was observing her grandpa very intently. Her grandpa asked her, "what are you looking at, my child?"

Running her fingers over his bald head, and his wrinkled face, Alice asked, "Were you created by the Heaven?"
"Yes" he answered.
"Did the Heaven create me, too?" she asked.
"Yes", he replied.

"Well", she shrugged, "Do you agree he's doing a better job now than he used to?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Forever Friends

On New Year's Eve, Patty stood up in the local bar and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted everyone to be standing next to the one person who made their life worth living.

As the clock struck 12, chaos erupted as the bartender was almost crushed to death.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday Party

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout.

Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. 

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. 

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. 
 

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" 

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Write With Other Hand

At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.

"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exhausted?''

''Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with.''
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Speech Impediment

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?"

inquired the first fellow.

"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cut Off Two

This drunk woman stands up on a bar stool and yells, “I don’t screw anybody unless he’s got a twelve inch penis!" 

This guy in the corner ells out, “I don’t cut off two inches for anybody!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Shut Up, Kid

One day a little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver. He starts saying things like, "If my mom was a hen and my dad was a rooster, I would be a little rooster." 

The bus driver said, "Shut up, kid!" 

Still the boy went on, "If my mom was a female elephant and my dad was a male elephant, I would be a little male elephant." 

"Shut up, kid!" 

Still the boy went on, "If my mom was a female dog and my dad was a male dog, I would be a little male dog." 

The bus driver got so mad, and asked, "If your mom was a prostitute, and your dad was a faggot, what would you be?" 

The boy answered, “A bus driver.” 

[worldangel]

Joke: A 70-year-old man has never been...

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"

His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tell Me Truthfully

Old Jack had moments to live. At his beside were his family. His wife was there, as were his four sons, three of which had blonde hair. The other one had red hair. 

"Clara, I’ve always wondered why one of our sons had red hair. Tell me truthfully, is he really my son?" 

Clara put her hand on her heart and fervently swore that yes, he was his son. "Oh thank goodness," croaked the old man and he died with a smile on his face. 

As the family left, the room, the wife sighed deeply, "Good thing he didn’t ask about the other three." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Was In Your Hand?

Tony limps into his friend’s bar. He has two black eyes, a bloody lip, and he is on a crutch. His friend asks, “What the hell happened to you?” 

Tony says, “The guy next door did this.” 

“He must have had some kind of weapon in is hand.” 

“Yeah, a tire iron.” 

“Didn’t you have anything in your hand?” asked his friend. 

“Yeah, his wife’s left tit. It’s gorgeous, but not much good in a fight.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Buying Turkey

Alice entered a butcher shop just when it was about to close.
She said to the butcher, "Thank Heaven I made it in time! Do you have any chicken?"
The butcher opened his refrigerator and took out his only chicken, and plops it onto the scale. It weighs three and a half pounds.

"Don't you have anything bigger?" Alice asks.
The butcher returns the chicken to the fridge, takes it out again, and plops it onto the scale, only this time, he keeps his thumb on the chicken. The scale shows four and a half pounds.
"Great!" says Alice. "I'll have both of them please."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: One night, a man on his way...

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist.

The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. "Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?"

The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A mother mouse and a baby mouse...

A mother mouse and a baby mouse were walking along when all of a sudden a cat attacked them. 

The mother mouse goes, "BARK!" and the cat runs away. 

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby. "Now do you see why it's important to learn a foreign language?" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Being the boss...

A henpecked husband was advised by a psychiatrist to assert himself. "You don't have to let your wife bully you," he said. "Go home and show her you're the boss."

The husband decided to take the doctor's advice. He went home, slammed the door, saw his wife and growled, "From now on you're taking orders from me. I want my supper right now, and after you get it on the table, go upstairs and lay out my clothes. Tonight I am going out with the boys. You are going to stay at home where you belong. Another thing, you know who is going to tie my bow tie?"

"I certainly do," said his wife calmly, "the undertaker."

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Pecker Knows

Two old trees are conversing in the forest when they happen to notice a baby sapling beginning to grow between them. Trying to determine what kind of tree it is, they find themselves in a bit of an argument. One is certain it is a son of a birch tree, while the other is certain it is a son of a beach tree. 

The following day, a woodpecker lands on one of the old tree's branches. "Woodpecker! You know every kind of tree there is. Can you tell us, is that baby tree down there a son of a birch or a son of a beach?" 

So the woodpecker flies below and pecks here and there on the sapling then flies back up to the old trees. "Well which is it, a son of a birch or son of a beach?" "Ah, neither," the woodpecker replies. "That is the finest piece of ash I've ever had my pecker in!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Else Would I Use?

Interviewing the convict after the publication of his first book, the reporter asked, “Why did you decide to list the author as ‘06809’?" 

“What else would I use?” the prisoner said. “That’s my pen name.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Admit It Already

A little boy just would not learn. One day his history teacher asked him who signed the Declaration of Independence. He didn't know. For almost a week she never stopped asking him the same question, but still he couldn't come up with the right answer. 

Finally, in desperation, the teacher called the boy's father and complained. "Your boy won't tell me who signed the Declaration of Independence.” 

he father call his son and said, "Come here, son, and sit down. Now, if you signed that goddamn thing, just admit it so we can get out of here!!!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: He Hasn't Been Faithful

The high priced lawyer was sitting in his office when his secretary announced the arrival of a new client, who turned out to be a very sexy young mother. 

“I want to divorce my husband,” said the woman. 

“On what grounds?” asked the lawyer. 

“Infidelity,” she replied. “I don’t think my husband has been faithful to me.” 

“What makes you think that?” 

“Well,” she said, “I don’t think he is the father of my son.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: This Board With Holes

The man enters a drugstore, "Give me a pack of condoms." 

"What size?" 

"I do not know" 

"Well, take this board with holes. Go to the toilet and measure." 

In 10 minutes the man comes back. "I have changed my mind, I don't need the condoms. How much is this board?" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Is Barney In There?

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check-up. As the doctor looked in her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?" 

The little girl stayed silent. Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?" 

Again, the little girl was silent. Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?" 

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "The Heaven is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Heaven or ???

A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.

"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them."

"Why not?" asked her friend.

"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."

"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but. . . he didn't mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Saving up for 75 years

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.

The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.

She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Oh Heaven! When he told me he’d been saving up for 75 years, I thought he meant his money!!” 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Coffee Maker

The newlywed Blonde went to the store to ask how to operate the new coffeemaker received as a wedding gift. The salesman carefully explained how everything worked; how to plug it in, set the timer, go to bed, and upon rising, the coffee is ready.
A few weeks later the goober was back in the store and the salesman asked her how she liked the coffee maker.

"Wonderful!" she replied, "But... it's just awfully inconvenient to have to go to bed every time I want to make a pot of coffee."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Tour Bus Driver

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus full of old aged pensioners when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. 

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. 
After about 15 minutes, she taps him on the shoulder again and she hands the driver another handful of peanuts. 

When she is about to hand him another batch again, he asks her "Why don't you eat the peanuts?"

"We can't chew them because we have no teeth", she replied. 
"We just love the chocolate around them." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Chair Man of the Board

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "...and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A**hole

While nursing a drink at a bar, a young woman was distressed to see a drunken unkept man sit down next to her.
"Say, honey-baby ... I'd really like to get into those pants of yours."

"Thanks," she shot back, "But I've already got an a**hole in there."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: "Well," snarled the tough old ...

"Well," snarled the tough old sergeant to the bewildered private. "I suppose after you get discharged from the Army, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and spit on my grave." 

"Not me, Sarge!" the private replied. "Once I get out of the Army, I'm never going to stand in line again!" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Low Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”
Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he could not avoid getting stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a “Truck Wedgie.”

Cars were backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”

The gutsy truck driver said, “No officer, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man runs to the doctor and says...

A man runs to the doctor and says: "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!" 
The doctor asks: How long was she had this condition?" 

"Two years." replies the man. 

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the doctor. The man shrugs his shoulders and replies: "We needed the eggs"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad Temper Problem

Patient: Doctor, you must help me. I'm under such a lot of stress, I keep losing my temper with people.

Doctor: Tell me about your problem.

Patient: I just did, didn't I, you stupid fool!!

[worldangel]

Joke: The salesman was demonstrating...
 

The salesman was demonstrating unbreakable combs in the department store. He was impressing the people who stopped by to look by putting the comb through all sorts of torture and stress.

Finally to impress even the skeptics in the crowd, he bent the comb completely in half, and it snapped with a loud crack. Without missing a beat, he bravely held up both halves of the 'unbreakable' comb for everyone to see and said,
"And this, ladies and gentlemen, is what an unbreakable comb looks like on the inside..."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A drunk walks into a crowded bar...

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After a while, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk.

She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?"

The drunk replied, "Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"
 

The drunk says, "'Cause I'm not finished yet..."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bee Inconspicuous

Two bees ran into each other. The first bee asked the other how things were going. 
"Really bad," said the second bee. "The weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey." 

"No problem," said the first bee. "Just fly down five blocks and turn left. Keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fruit." 

"Thanks for the tip," said the second bee, and he flew away. 
A few hours later, the two bees ran into each other again. The first bee asked, "How'd it go?"

"Great!" said the second bee. "It was everything you said it would be." 
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee. 

"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Your chances are better...

An enormously wealthy 65-year-old man falls in love with a young woman in her twenties and is contemplating proposing.

"Do you think she'd marry me if I tell her I'm 45?" he asked a friend.

"Your chances are better," said the friend, "if you tell her you're 90."