Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: A little old lady answered a knock...

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners. 

"Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money!" and she proceeded to close the door.. 
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." 

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning.." 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel ...

A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out.

When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."

"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."

"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Finally, the good-natured boss...

Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office. 

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor." 

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith, "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wrong clothes

One night a police officer named Mike returned home at 3:00 a.m. after working the graveyard shift. He opened the door to the bedroom quietly and took off his clothes in the dark and got in bed with his wife.

As soon as he settled in she said, “Honey, can you go over to the drug store and pick me up some aspirin?”

Mike agreed to go, got dressed in the dark, and walked over to the drug store. When he got to the drug store, he got the aspirin and went up to the desk so that the clerk could ring it up.

The clerk looked at him for a moment and asked, “Say, aren't you Mike Murphy?”

Mike answered him and said, “Yes I am.”

The clerk looked puzzled and asked, “Well, aren't you a police officer?”

And again Mike replied yes.

The clerk scratched his head for a second and said, “Then why are you dressed like the fire chief?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Old friends...

Mary and Jane are old friends. They have both been married to their husbands for a long time; Mary is upset because she thinks her husband doesn't find her attractive anymore.

"As I get older he doesn't bother to look at me!" Mary cries.

"I'm so sorry for you, as I get older my husband says I get more beautiful every day." replies Jane.

"Yes, but your husband's an antique dealer!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A sweet little boy surprised his ...

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and he was so proud. Anxiously, he waited to hear the verdict. The grandmother in all her life had never had such a bad cup of coffee.

As she forced down the last sip, his grandmother noticed three of those little green army guys were in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army men be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV. 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup'."

[worldangel]

Joke: Switching the birthday gift

Mike bought a piano for Jane on her birthday. After a few days, Mike's friend inquired with him how Jane was doing with the piano.
"Well," said Mike, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"Why is that?" asked the friend.
Mike answered, "That's because with a clarinet, she cannot sing."

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman is at a grocery store.

A woman is at a grocery store. She goes to the clerk to purchase her groceries.

The clerk looks at her items and sees a carton of eggs, a gallon of milk, and a head of lettuce. He says to the woman, "You must be single."

The woman was surprised & replies, "Yes, how did you know?" The clerk answers, "Because you're ugly."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: I Have "great" News For You

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.
He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

[worldangel]

Joke: This guy needs a job and decides

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide.

 

They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorillas skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but Hey! He needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage.

 

The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. This isn't so bad, he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.

 

During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"

 

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

 

 

Edited March 22, 2017 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Three old men were sitting around ...

Three old men were sitting around and talking. The 80 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me would just to be able to have a good pee. I stand there for twenty minutes, and it dribbles and hurts. I have to go over and over again." 

The 85 year-old said, "The best thing that could happen to me is if I could have one good bowel movement. I take every kind of laxative I can get my hands on and it's still a problem."

Then the 90 year-old said, "That's not my problem. Every morning at 6:00 am sharp, I have a good long pee. At around 6:30 am I have a great bowel movement. The best thing that could happen to me would be if I could wake up before 7:00 am.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A lawyer was cross-examining the ...

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate.

 

"No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead."

 

The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pulled Over as a Passenger

Being pulled over is no joke. It’s scary, but you know what’s even worse? Being a passenger in your friend’s car when they get pulled over. That’s when you start finding out the things about your best friend you never knew existed.

 

Damn! Damn! This car is not even registered. I got a handgun in the glove box, cocaine under your seat. I’m wearing a wig, and we’ve got a dead body in the trunk.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Expand

One day, Little Tommy asked his Class teacher, "Teacher, why are the days longer in the summer?"

The teacher answered, "It's because of the heat. It makes everything expand."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was driving along the highway...

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit. The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead.

The driver felt so awful, he began to cry. A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can on to the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved it's paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 meters away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 meters, turned, waved and hopped another 50 meters.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said:
"'Hair spray restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Five reasons not to be a penis 

Five reasons not to be a penis:

1) Your head is bald forever.

2) You live between two nuts.

3) An asshole lives behind you.

4) Your best mate’s a cunt.

5) When you get excited, you get sick and then faint.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Fun at the zoo!

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A motorist, after being bogged

A motorist, after being bogged down in a muddy road, paid a passing farmer five dollars to pull him out with his tractor.

After he was back on dry ground he said to the farmer, "At those prices, I should think you would be pulling people out of the mud night and day."

"Can't", replied the farmer. "At night I haul water for the hole."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A five year old boy comes to visit

A five year old boy comes to visit his grandparents and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocker, wearing only a shirt, naked from the waist down. "Grandpa, whatcha' doing? You're weenie's out and everybody can see!" he exclaimed.

Grandpa looked off in the distance, not answering.
"Grandpa, whatcha'  doin' sitting out here with no pants on?" he asked again.

Grandpa looked at him and said, "Son, last week I sat here with no shirt on, Just watching the cars go by.... and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandma's idea."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind date

Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he's never seen before.

"What do I do if she's ugly?" says Mike, "I'll be stuck with her all night."

"Don't worry." Joe says, "just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned.

If you don't, just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack."

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl's door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is.

He's about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts, "Aaaaaauuuggghhh!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A young man and woman got married

A young man and woman got married. At the time of their marriage, the husband noticed his wife carried a decently sized metal box and shoved it up at the top of their closet. Curious as he was, the wife told him to never to look in it no matter what the circumstances. Over the years, he saw that metal box in the closet, but never peered into it for the sake of his wife.

 

One day, though, the wife had a stroke and was rushed to the hospital. As the husband sat grieving at home, he thought of the box, snatched it up, and sped to the hospital where his wife remained with her death coming soon. The husband bolted to her hospital room and pleaded and begged her to allow him to open the box by her side. "Well" she said, "I suppose now would be the right time." The husband unlatched the hook and peered inside.

 

On one side sat two crocheted dolls, and on the other, to his surprise, sat one million dollars! "Honey, before we got married, my mother gave me this box and told me that whenever I got mad at you, I should go to the bedroom and crotchet a doll," said the wife. The husband was thrilled and thankful. He absolutely couldn't believe his wife had only been mad at him two times! "That is amazing!" said the husband to his wife.

 

"Honey, I'm grateful beyond belief you've only been mad at me twice, but how on this earth did you manage to get one million dollars?" "Oh, honey" said the wife, "That's the money I got from selling the dolls."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel...

A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."

"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde Pulled Over for Speeding

A traffic cop out on patrol for the first time stops a speeding sports car. Inside is an attractive young blonde woman. The cop asks for identification and the girl says she has no identification on her at all. Unsure of what to do the cop radios for advice.

"Just stick your cock through the window." he is told.

"Are you sure?" he ask.

"Yes, just stick your cock through the window."

So the cop goes back to the car and sticks his cock through the window.

"Oh no!" says the blonde. "Not another breathalzser test!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Once upon a time there was ...

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.

The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!
Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Invisible Man

A psychiatrist's secretary walks into his study and says, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responds, "Tell him I can't see him."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: TGIF

A businessman got into an elevator. When he entered, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, 'T-G-I-F'
He smiled at her and replied,

'S-H-I-T'

She looked at him puzzled and said, 'T-G-I-F' again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possible, 'T-G-I-F' another time.

The man smiled back at her and once again replied with a quizzical expression, 'S-H-I-T.'

The blonde finally decided to explain things and this time she said, 'T-G-I-F. Thank Goodness It's Friday, get it?'

The man answered, 'S-H-I-T, Sorry Honey It's Thursday.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Will The Neighbors Think?

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."

[worldangel]

Joke: Finally, the good-natured boss...

Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office. 

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor." 

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith, "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: It Started As A Wart

A guy walks into a bar with a frog growing out of his forehead. 

Astonished, the bartender shouts, "Wow, where'd you get that?!" 

The frog says, "I don't know, it started out as a wart on my ass!"

[worldangel]

Joke: What's the Story?

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. 

She says, "What's the story?" 

He replies, "Just some crap in the carburetor." 

She asks," How often do I have to do that?"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Like the Mona Lisa

“My wife is like the Mona Lisa.” 

“You mean she’s beautiful and has an enigmatic smile?” 

“No. She is as flat as a canvas and ought to be in a museum."

[worldangel]

Joke: How Much Would You Take Off?

The small business owner was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. 

He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 15%, how much would you take off?” 

The secretary thought for a moment, then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Delivery Only

At a party, an obstetrician’s wife noticed another guest, a large oversexed woman, making advances to her husband. 

She tried to ignore it until they disappeared into a bedroom together. 

Immediately she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and yelled, “Look, lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn’t install them!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The patch up job

Newly married Tina had committed a blunder in her husband's absence. As soon as the man returned from work, she blurted; “Here I was ironing your finest suit and burnt this hole in the seat of your trousers.”

The husband, large hearted that he was, said; “I have another pair of trousers that matches that suit, so do not worry.”

Tina: ”Thank Goodness for that, because I was able to patch up the hole using those trousers only.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Match

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?" 

"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?" 
"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a Match." 
'Match? Never heard of it." 

"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants." 
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam." 
"Well, why not?" 

"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want a fire."

[worldangel]

Joke: What happened?

A man was complaining to a friend: "I had it all - money, magnificent house, big car, the love of beautiful woman, then, POW! It was all gone!"

"What happened?," asked the friend.

"My wife found out..."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: One-Eyed Blonde

Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Let's Try Back to Back

A couple had been married for ten years and their sex life was becoming boring. One night, the husband came home and said to his wife, “Honey, tonight we’re going to make love a different way. Tonight, we’re going to do it lying back to back” 

“What fun is that?” the wife asked. 

“Plenty. I invited another couple.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Those Aren't Crickets

 

As the young couple parked in a crowded lover’s lane, she sighed, “It’s lovely out here tonight, just listen to the crickets.” 

“Those aren’t crickets,” her date replied. “They’re zippers.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Lazy Stonecutter

A single woman left specific instructions in her will for the epitaph on her tombstone. It was to read: “Born a virgin, lived a virgin, died a virgin.” 

But the stonecutter got lazy, knowing there were no survivors to complain. The tombstone read: “Returned unopened.”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: What's Under the Bed?

Walking into the bar, Harvey said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one, Eddie. I just had another fight with the little woman." 

"Oh yeah," said Eddie. "And how did this one end?" 

"When it was over," Harvey replied, "She came to me on her hands and knees." 

"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?" 

"She said, 'come out from under that bed, you gutless weasel!'"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A young woman said to her doctor ...

A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt all over.' 'What do you mean?' said the doctor. The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, 'Ow, that hurts.'

 

Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, 'Ouch! That hurts, too.' Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts.'

 

The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?' 'Why yes,' she said. 'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: One night, a man on his way...

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light.

 

The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist.

 

The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. "Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?"

 

The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."

[worldangel]

Joke: A young man looking to get married ...

A young man looking to get married asked his friend. "Every woman I bring home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like."

"Oh, that's easy," his pal replied. "All you have to do is find someone whos' just like your mother." "I did that already," he said, "and that one my father didn't like."

[worldangel]

Joke: Petroleum Jelly

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife. 

"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?" 
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers. 

The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?" 
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."

[worldangel]

Joke: Secret to a Happy Marriage

There is a secret to a Happy Marriage. You need to follow the below checklist:

Firstly, you need to find a woman who cooks and cleans

Secondly, you need to find a woman who earns well

Thirdly, you need to find a woman who enjoys great s*x

Finally, it is important that these three women should never meet.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A drunk walks into a crowded bar ...

A drunk walks into a crowded bar and takes the last barstool next to an older woman. After a while, the woman starts to smell this horrible odor coming from the direction of the drunk. She turns to him and says, "Excuse me Mister, but did you just shit yourself?" The drunk replied

 

"Yes ma'am, I have indeed shit myself." The woman says, "Well, why don't you go somewhere and clean yourself up?"
The drunk says, "'Cause I'm not finished yet..."

[worldangel]

 Joke: What's Under the Kilt?

The tourist stood staring at the highland sentry standing guard outside Edinburgh Castle. After a few minutes she went up to the sentry and asked, “I’ve always wanted to find out what’s worn under the kilt?” 

The sentry replied, “There is nothing worn, Ma’am, it's all in perfect working order.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Not Exactly True

A young couple, on the brink of divorce, visit a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife, “What’s the problem?” 

She responds, “My husband suffers from premature ejaculation.” 

The counselor turns to her husband and inquires, “Is that true?” 

The husband replies, “Well not exactly, she is the one that suffers, not me.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No Thanks, Officer

A man is driving along and a police man stops him and says, "Alcohol, drugs?" 

And the man says, "No thanks officer, I've got everything." 

Then he drives off.