Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: The big trouble

 

 

The henpecked plumber rang the bell. The master and the mistress of the house came to the door together.

As they all three stood in the hall, the husband, a methodical man, announced, "I wish, before you go upstairs, to acquaint you with my trouble."

The plumber shyly dropped his eyes.

"Pleased to meet yer, ma'am," he mumbled as he held out his hand to the wife.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Rash driving

 

 

A couple hired a new chauffeur. The memsahib asked him to take her out for shopping and was very shaken by the experience.

Back home, she pleaded with her husband, "Please dear, you must sack this new chauffeur at once. He is so rash he nearly killed me three times this morning."

"Darling, don't be so hasty," replied the husband, "give him another chance."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drinking & Driving

 

 

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. 

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.

Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home. 

Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.

I arrived home safely without incident which was a real surprise, as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.

[worldangel]

Joke: A daring new position

 

 

Husband: Shall we try a new positon tonight? 

Wife: Sure. You stand by the ironing board, and I'll sit on the couch while drinking beer and farting.

[worldangel]

Joke: Share and Share alike

 

 

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink. 

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them." 

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything. 

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn''t eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink. 

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them. 

This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything." 

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?" 

The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."

[worldangel]

Joke: Different wavelengths

 

 

The female brain works on a different tangent than male.

Last night I was sitting in the living room, talking to my wife about life. In-between, we talked about the idea of living or dying.

I told her, "Never let me live in a vegetative state, totally dependent on machines and liquids from a bottle. If you see me in that state, I want you to disconnect all the contraptions that are keeping me alive. I'd much rather die!"

My wife got up from the sofa with a real look of admiration towards me & proceeded to disconnect the Cable TV & DVD, then the Computer, the Cell Phone, the iPod, and the Xbox, and then went to the bar and threw away all my whisky, rum, gin & vodka and the beer from the fridge...

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who is Marylou?

 

 

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. 

"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." 

"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."' 

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again. 

"What was that for?" he complained. 

"Your dog called last night."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drinking driving Paddy
 

 

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. 

A Police car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. 

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. 

The cop says "For goodness sake Paddy, that's your pine tree air freshener swinging about. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Widow’s future

 

 

A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year. But you will make a fortune"

Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted or will they catch me for the crime?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage vows

 

 

When Joe, a nice man married for over 50 years died, his wife, Myrtle was devastated. A couple of months later, Myrtle also died.

Once in heaven, Myrtle anxiously looked for Joe. Suddenly, behind a Cloud, she could clearly see him with another woman.

She ran towards him, calling his name, "Joe. Darling, Joe"

Joe said, "Hold your horses woman, and don't give me that 'darling' sh*t. The deal was very clear: 'Until death do us part'."

[worldangel]

Joke: Falling on deaf ears

 

 

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives.

One signs to the other, "Boy was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop!"

The other Buddy says, "When my wife goes off on me I just don't listen."

"How do you do that?" says the other.

"It's easy! I turn off the light!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Message delivered

 

 

Husband sent a text to his wife at night, "Hi Honey! I will get late, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure you prepare my favorite dish before I return."

After a while he sent another text, "And I forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary at the end of the month I'm getting you a new car."

She text back, "OMG really?"

Husband replied, "No I just wanted to make sure you got my first message."

[clementi]

Joke: Guests for dinner

There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat.


Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing!"

[clementi]

Joke: Grocery shopping

 

 

A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check-out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."


The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen."

[clementi]

Joke: Expert on parenting

 

The following is a true story written by an educational psychologist and her experience on a plane.

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Father and Son

 

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the center of the bed. It was addressed,

"Dad".

With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:


Dear Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with mom and you.

I've been finding real passion with Mariel and she is so nice-even with all her piercing, tattoos, and her tight Motorcycle clothes. But it's not only the passion dad, she's pregnant and Mariel said that we will be very happy.

Even though you don't care for her as she is so much older than I, she already owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. She wants to have many more children with me and that's now one of my dreams too.

Mariel taught me that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and trading it with her friends for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Mariel can get better; she sure deserves it!!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.


Your son,

Tom


PS: Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at the neighbor's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than my report card that's in my desk center drawer. I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: As the bus pulled away, Janet ...

 

 

As the bus pulled away, Janet realized she had left her purse under the seat. Later she called the company and was relieved to find out the driver had found her bag. When she went to pick it up, several off- duty bus drivers surrounded her.

 

One of the men handed over her pocketbook, two typewritten pages, and a box containing the contents of Janet's purse. "We're required to inventory lost wallets and purses," he explained. "I think you'll find everything there."

 

As she started to put my belongings back into the pocketbook, the man continued, "I hope you don't mind if we watch. Even though we all tried, none of us could fit everything into your purse... and we'd like to see just how you do it."
 

[worldangel]

Joke:A lady comes home from her doctor...

 

 A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"

 

The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?"

 

She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Waiting...

 

 

Jim was startled to see the nonchalant way Jon was taking the fact that his lady love was seen with another man.

 

"You said you love her and yet you saw her with another man and you didn't knock the guy down?" "I'm waiting," Jon said.

 

"Waiting for what?" asked Jim. "Waiting to catch her with a smaller man."
 

[worldangel]

Joke:Free advice at social affairs?

 

 

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

 

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?"

 

The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so. The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

 

[worldangel]

Joke:A lady comes home from her doc...

 

 A lady comes home from her doctor's appointment grinning from ear to ear. Her husband asks, "Why are you so happy?"
 

The wife says, "The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old." "Oh yeah?" quipped her husband, "What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?"

 

She said, "Your name never came up in the conversation."

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Christmas: The Millionaire Gift

 

 

The Santa Claus at the shopping mall was very surprised when a young lady aged about 20 years old walked up and sat on his lap.

 

Now, we all know that Santa doesn't usually take requests from adults, but she smiled very nicely at him and asked 'What do you want for Christmas?' 'Something for my mother, please,' replied young lady sweetly.

 

'Something for your mother? Well, that's very loving and thoughtful of you,' smiled Santa. 'What do would you like me to bring her?'

 

Without pausing, the lady answered quickly, 'A millionaire son-in-law.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke:The story of the bats

 

 

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood. One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood." "We're new here," says the second one.

 

"It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

 

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out of the cave. When he returns, he is covered with blood.

 

The second bat says excitedly, "Where did you get the blood?" The first bat takes his buddy to the mouth of the cave. Pointing into the night, he asks, "See that black building over there?"

 

"Yes," the other bat answers. "Well," says the first bat, "I didn't."

[worldangel]

Joke:A man walks into a bar and say...

 

 

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!"

 

So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye."

 

Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Generosity

 

A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbour. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."

 

"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did your husband say about it?" "Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do.

 

He said, 'Thanks.'" 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I must tell
 

 After a woman gave birth to her baby, the Doctor stood solemnly beside her bed.

 

"There is something I must tell you about your baby." "What's wrong," the alarmed mother asked? "Your baby is a hermaphrodite."

 

"What's that?" "It means your baby has both male and female parts."

 

"Oh my God, that's wonderful!", the mother said, "You mean it has a penis and a brain?"

[worldangel]

Joke:Spendthrifts

 

 

A father and his son were looking at a nativity scene in a London gallery.

 

It was Titian's world-famous painting of the scene at Bethlehem. The boy said, “Dad, why is the baby lying in such a crude cradle in a pile of straw?”

 

"Well, son,” explained the father, “they were poor, and they couldn't afford anything better.”

 

Said the boy, "Then how could they afford to have their picture painted by such an expensive artist?”

 

[clementi]

Joke:What does that mean?

 

 

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the woman a bitch and the woman called the man a bastard. Their son walked in and said "what’s that mean?". The parents told him it meant ladies and gentlemen.

 

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the woman said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick". Their son walked in and asked "what’s that mean?" and the parents said it meant hats and coats. On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "shit" he said, the kid came in, "what’s that mean?" and the man said that it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

 

Downstairs the mom was preparing the turkey and she cut herself with the knife, "fuck" she said, once again their kid came in and said "what’s that mean?"

 

The mom said that was what she was doing to the turkey, then the doorbell rang and the kid answered the door to see his relatives for thanksgiving, the kid said, "alright you bastards and bitches, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is down here fucking the turkey!
 

[clementi]

Joke: At the airport for a business ...

 

 

 At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35. Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."

 

So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact be boarding from Gate 35. So, again, we gathered our carry-on luggage and returned to the original gate.

 

Just as we were settling down, the public address voice spoke again: "Thank you for participating in Delta's physical fitness program.
 

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Two girlfriends were speeding ...

 

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph. "Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

 

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do." "Fuck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on? The blonde turned around again.

 

"Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Corporate Lesson 1.

 

 

A Corporate Lesson 1 A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

 

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

 

After a few seconds, Bob hands her \$800 and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

 

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"

 

Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

 

[clementi]

Joke:The Gift

 

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy.

 

Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit.

 

She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" she guessed. "No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?”

 

"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:What Was Its Name?

 

 

Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?" "Outstanding," Fred replied.

 

"They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me." "That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

 

Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember. Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?" "You mean a rose?" "Yes, that's it!"

 

He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Father and his little boy

 

 

There was a father and his little boy that went into a local drug store to pick up a prescription. While in the store the little boy was looking around and came upon a rather large display for condoms.

 

The little boy looked at all the brightly coloured packages and the different types and the different quantities. The little boy went to his father and asked "Daddy, what are these condoms for?"

 

The father, stuttered, and said "Well, they are for protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love." The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked "Then, why do these come in a package of three?"

 

The father coyly answered "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, one for Saturday night and one for Sunday afternoon." "UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then why are these in packages of six?" The father smirked "Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday night and two for Sunday afternoon."

 

"WOW" said the little boy in amazement. He then asked "Well, then why are these packaged a dozen at a time?"

 

The father answered "Those, my son, are for married men. One for January, one for February..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Accountant And Farmer

 

 

 A man walking along a road in the countryside comes across a shepherd and a huge flock of sheep. Stopping to rest, he tells the shepherd, "I will bet you \$100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in this flock."

 

The shepherd thinks it over. It's a big flock, so he takes the bet. The man looks around and answers, "869." The shepherd is astonished, because that is exactly right. The shepherd says, "Okay, I'm a man of my word, take an animal."

 

The man picks one up and begins to walk away. "Wait," cries the shepherd, "let me have a chance to get even. Double or nothing that I can guess your exact occupation." The man agrees. "You are an accountant for the government," says the shepherd. "Amazing!" responds the man.

 

"You are exactly right! But tell me, how did you deduce that?" "Well," says the shepherd, "put down my dog and I will tell you." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Honey, has anyone ever told you....

 

 

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

 

The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."

 

The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A farmer and his wife had just...

 

A farmer and his wife had just waken up one morning to the crowing of their rooster.

 

While still in bed, the farmer's wife says, "Pa, you know our neighbour Mr. Jones?" "Yes Ma, I reckon I do," replied the sleepy farmer.

 

"Well, every morning before he leaves the house for work, he gives his wife a big ol' kiss. Why don't you ever do that?"

 

The farmer sighed and said, "Well, I reckon I can, but I just don't know her very well."

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a guy in a bar one ..

 

 

There was a guy in a bar one night that got really drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed he got up to go home. As he stumbled out the door he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.

 

So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well the nun was really surprised but before she could do or say anything he punched her again.

 

This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt, then he picked her up and threw her into a wall. By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much, so then he stumbled over to her, put his face right next to hers and said... "Not very strong tonight, are you Batman?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Once upon a time, a beautiful,...

 

Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, " I once was a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me.

 

One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mom and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so."

 

 That night, while the princess dined on frog legs,she kept laughing and saying, "I don't THINK so."
 

[worldangel]

Joke:We noticed that all the waiter...

 

 

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why. 'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon.

 

Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.' As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that. 'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim.

 

Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.' We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.' 'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'
 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman called a local hospital...

 

 

A woman called a local hospital . . . . "Hello. Could you connect me to the person who gives information about patients? I'd like to find out if a patient is getting better, doing as expected or getting worse."

 

The voice on the other end said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" "Sarah Finkel, room 302."

 

"I'll connect you with the nursing station . . . ." "3-A Nursing Station. How can I help you?"

 

"I'd like to know the condition of Sarah Finkel in room 302." "Just a moment. Let me look at her records. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she is to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and, if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday at noon."

 

The woman said, "What a relief! Oh, that's fantastic... that's wonderful news!"

 

The nurse said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you are a close family member or a very close friend!" "Neither! I AM Sarah Finkel in 302! Nobody here tells me sh*t!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The blind man

 

 

A woman is taking a bath (naked, of course) when suddenly she hears a knock at the door. 

"Can I come in?" a male voice asks. 

"Who is it?" the woman asks. 

"It is the blind man" says the voice on the other side of the door. 

The woman gets out of the bath and after some consideration, opens the door, thinking, "Well, he's blind anyway". 

The man comes in the bathroom, takes a good look at the woman and says, "Great tits! Now where would you like the blinds?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Success

 

 

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said. 

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on." 

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. 

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. 

"Who are you?" the man asked. 

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

[worldangel]

Joke: On second thought

 

 

A young lady stops by her grandmother's house on the way to a dance. She wants to introduce her boy friend to her grandmother. As they are chatting, her boy friend spies some peanuts on the coffee table. He begins munching on them as they converse. 

After about an hour, they are getting ready to leave and he thanks the grandmother for her hospitality and especially for the peanuts. 

"Oh, your welcome young man," she says. "I appreciate you finishing them up. Ever since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off of them."

[worldangel]

Joke: Facelift

 

 

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $ 5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the salesclerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" 

"About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29." 

"I am actually 47." This makes him feel really good. 

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a mans age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your hairy walnuts for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." 

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." 

Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."

[worldangel]

Joke: Tell the truth

 

 

A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?" 

A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?" 

He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won! 

Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her. 

He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?" 

The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Think first

 

 

An enthusiastic door-to-door vacuum salesman goes to the first house in his new territory. He knocks, a real mean and tough looking lady opens the door, and before she has a chance to say anything, he runs inside and dumps cow patties all over the carpet. 

He says, "Lady, if this vacuum cleaner doesn't do wonders cleaning this up, I'll eat every chunk of it." 

She turns to him with a smirk and says, "You want ketchup on that?" 

The salesman says, "Why do you ask?" 

She says, "We just moved in and we haven't got the electricity turned on yet."

[worldangel]

Joke:A little boy opened the big an...

 

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, he looked at the old pages as he turned them.

 

Then something fell out of the Bible and he picked up and looked at it closely.

 

It was an old leaf from a tree that has been pressed in between pages. "Momma, look what I found," the boy called out. "What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.

 

With astonishment in the young boy's voice he answered: "It's Adam's suit!!!!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Walk on water....

 

Joe heard a rumour that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays. So, on his 21st birthday, Joe and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake.

 

"If they did it, I can too!" he insisted. When Joe and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Joe stepped off of the side of the boat... and damn near drowned. Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home.

 

When Joe arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"

 

The feeble old grandmother took Joe by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I get no respect

 

"I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get." "I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof." "My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair."

 

I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing." "Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said..I don't know kid..there are so many places they can hide." "I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He said..

 

On your mark..." "On Halloween..the parents send their kids out looking like me. Last year..one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different..when I answer the door the kids hand me candy." "I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face."

 

"My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday"