Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Comfortable

 

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have \$600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

 

 

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for \$599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

 

 

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has \$1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

 

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'

 

 

[clementi]

Joke: Use the word

 

 

 A pre-school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word "definitely" in a sentence?"

First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can also be grey or orange."

Then a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."

"Sorry, but in the autumn the trees are brown."

Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!"

"OK. Then I have definitely shit my pants."

 

 

[clementi]

Joke:Old lady visits museum

 

 

An old lady is visiting a museum and knocks over a large vase which smashes on the ground. An attendant rushes over, aghast.

"That vase," the attendant cries, "was over five hundred years old!"

"Oh, thank God!" says the old lady. "I thought it was a new one."

 

[clementi]

Joke:Low-self esteem

 

 

A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.


He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.


The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.


Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."

 

[clementi]

Joke: Upset is unhealthy

 

 

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?"

"Yes," the boy's mother answered.

"And how is your son now?" the psychiatrist asked.

"Who cares?" the mother replied.

[clementi]

Joke: Psychiatrist phone

 

Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
 

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.


If you are anal retentive, please hold.

[worldangel]

Joke: Panic at the hotel...

 

It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly," she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!"

 

 

The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist.

 

 

"He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?"

 

 

"The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How to select ..?

 

 

A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

 

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, purchases new make-up and buys several new outfits, and dresses up very nicely for the man.

 

She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man is impressed.

 

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of STRONG golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.

 

As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

 

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.

 

She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money.

 

Then he married the one with the largest breasts.

Men are Men!!!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Life's Achievements!

 

 

Most of us understand that our self-worth and feelings of achievement change as we go through life. While everyone has different aspirations, it appears we all have some common benchmarks for what success is. Really it all depends on your age. Consider the following:

At age 4, success is not peeing your pants
At age 16, success is "gettin' a little"
At age 25, success is graduation and a wedding

At age 35, success is about career and family

At age 55, success is about graduations and weddings
At age 65, success is "gettin' a little"
At age 80, success is not peeing your pants!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Don't mess with this old lady!

 

 

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City Building, when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over, farts and says..."Broccoli.49 cents a pound!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Freedom Cost Him An Arm 

 

 

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out!

[worldangel]

Joke: Hairy bikers

 

 

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

 

While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?" She does, and it is a long, deep, lingering kiss. After she's finished, the tough, hairy biker says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That's a real talent you’re wasting. You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl…"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Paint my house

 

A man is sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous, sexy, young woman enters. The man can’t stop staring at her. The young woman notices this and walks directly toward him.

 

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman says to him, "I'll do anything you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, with one condition." Flabbergasted, the man asks what the condition is.

 

The young woman replies, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words." The man considers her proposition for a moment, withdraws his wallet from his pocket, and hands the woman five $20 bills. He looks deeply into her eyes and slowly says, "Paint my house."

[worldangel]

Joke: Doris

 

 

Doris is sitting in a bar and says to her friend that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts.

 

The bartender tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery." Doris asks, "How do I do it without surgery?" "Just rub toilet paper between them." Fascinated, Doris says, "How does that make them bigger?"

 

"I don't know, but it sure worked for your ass!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Kids and the Dildo

 

A man and woman had been married for 30 years, and in those 30 years, they always left the lights off when having sex.

 

He was embarrassed and scared that he couldn't please her, so he always used a big dildo on her. All these years she had no clue.

 

One day, she decided to reach over and flip the light switch on and saw that he was using a dildo.

 

She said "I knew it, asshole, explain the dildo!" He said, "Explain the kids!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Just married

 

 

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart.

 

Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.

 

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him." After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

 

The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Testing the waters

 

There are some girls that like to do something called "homie hopping" and homie hopping is basically a girl dates a guy and then she ends up trying to get with his friends, and then she gets with someone new, then jumps to his other friends, and so on.

 

Guys have this and it's called "testing the waters".

[worldangel]

Joke: Taxi driver & the prostitute

 

 

A guy and his date are parked out in the country away from town, when they start kissing and fondling each other. Just then, the girl stops and sits up. “What’s the matter?” asks the guy.

 

She replies, “I really should have mentioned this earlier, but I’m actually a prostitute, and I charge $100 for sex.” The man thinks about it for a few seconds, but then reluctantly gets out a $100 bill, pays her, and they have sex.

 

After a cigarette, he just sits in the driver’s seat looking out the window. “Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asks the girl. “Well, I should have mentioned this before,” replies the man, “but I’m actually a taxi driver, and the fare back to town is $50.

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Making baby

 

 

A mom of an eight year old boy is awaiting her son's arrival from school. As he runs in, he says he needs to talk to her about making babies.

 

He claims he knows about the development of a fetus, but doesn't understand the answer to the million dollar question. Namely, how does the sperm get into the woman? The mom asks the boy what he thinks the answer is.

 

The boy says that the sperm is manufactured in the man's stomach, rises up to his chest, then throat, and into his mouth, where he then kisses the woman and deposits the sperm into her mouth.

 

The mom tells her boy that it is a good guess, but it's wrong. She gives him a hint by telling him that the sperm comes out of the man's penis. Suddenly, the boy's face becomes quite red and he says, "You mean you put your mouth on that thing?"

[worldangel]

Joke: WIFE

 

 

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

 

The first guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE. You know, young, urban, professional."

 

The second guy says, "I'm a DINK. You know, double income, no kids."

 

The third guy says, "I'm a RUB. You know, rich urban biker."

 

They turn to the woman and ask, "So what are you?"

 

The woman replies, "I'm a WIFE. You know - Wash, Iron, F***, Etc."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cheese sandwich

 

 

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, "Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00."

 

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men. "Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "Can I help you?"

 

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs, "I am."

 

The man replies, "Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex position

 

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position.

 

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?"

 

"Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.'

 

Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Auction

 

A man and a wife were in bed one morning when the wife said, "I had a strange dream last night. I dreamed I was at a penis auction.

 

Long penises were going for $100 and thick penises were going for $300."

 

The husband asked, "What would mine go for?" The wife replied, "They were giving ones like yours away for free."

 

The husband said, "I also had a dream last night about an auction where they were selling juicy vaginas for $500 and tight vaginas for $1,000."

 

"How about mine?" the wife asked and the husband replied, "That was where they were holding the auction."

 

[clementi]

Joke: The rich people’s party

 

 

There was a party that many rich people attended. The host had recently built a tank with many alligators, piranhas, and many other things that could kill you. The host said that if anyone could swim across the tank, he would, to the best of his ability, grant them 3 wishes. 

Well, nobody was up to the challenge, so everyone just started having a good time and doing that "party thing." 

Suddenly, there was this big splash! The host looked and saw a man swimming to beat hell across the tank, and, lo and behold, he made it! 

The host walked over to the man and said, "Alright, you made it, WOW!. What are your 3 wishes?" The man replied, "First, you see that shotgun of yours? give me it, Two, see those bullets over there? give me them, 3, show me the mother-fucker who pushed me in."

[clementi]

Joke: A hell of a party

 

 

A guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming over this weekend, and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night? It's going to be a hell of a party." 

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is potent: drink only one ounce of it, and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know how it goes." 

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist goes to work and finds the same guy waiting for him on the door-step. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?" The guy replies, "Quick, I need Blue Ice (muscle pain relief). 

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive." 

The guy says, "No, no, It's not for that, it's for my arm." 

Pharmacist: "What?? What happened?" 

Guy replies, "Well...I drank the whole bottle of your potion." 

Pharmacist: "Oh my god, and then what ? " 

"The girls never showed up!"

[clementi]

Joke: Avon calling

 

 

An Avon Lady was delivering products in a high-rise and was riding in the elevator. Suddenly, she had the powerful urge to fart. Since no one was in the elevator, she let it go - and it was a doozy. 

Of course, the elevator then stopped at the next floor, so she quickly used some Avon Pine-Scented Spray to cover up the smell. A man entered the elevator and immediately made a face. "Holy cow! What's that smell?" 

"I don't know, sir. I don't smell anything. What does it smell like to you?" 

"Like someone crapped a Christmas tree."

 

[clementi]

Joke: What’s in name?

 

 

I was at a friend’s wedding. Her father asked me to dance with him. He was pretty drunk, but I figured what the hell. 

So we're dancing and I asked, "So, are you enjoying yourself Richard?" 

He said, "I prefer Dick." 

I said, "Well so do I, but what does that have to do with anything?"

[clementi]

Joke: Why worry?

 

 

In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick. If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: either you get well or you die. 

If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell. 

If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry.

[worldangel]

Joke:The wooden ball

 

An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and haircut, but he tells the barber he probably can't get all of his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.

The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened If he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does."

[worldangel]

Joke:Watergate Hotel

 

 

A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington. 

The bride is concerned. “What if the place is still bugged?” 

The groom says, “I’ll look for a bug.” 

He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures and under the rug. “AHAH!” Under the rug was a disc with four screws. 

He gets his screwdriver, unscrews the screws, and throws the disc out the window. 

The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, “How was your room? How was the service? how was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?” 

The groom says, “Why are you asking me all of these questions?” 

 

 

The hotel manager says “Well, the room under you complained about the chandelier falling on them!”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A silent fart

 

 

An old couple were sitting in Church and the wife noticed that people were staring at her.

She leaned across to her husband and whispered, "I've just let go a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He said, "I think you should get fresh batteries for your hearing aid."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Height of work pressure

 

 

Once I was flashing my ID card instead of unlocking the house door with keys.

Me and my friends went out for dinner in one of the best restaurants and as I finished I started walking towards the wash basin with Plates in my hand.

Once I was on call with my father and mom was not around. I went on to ask, "Why is she not attending the weekly status call?"

I don't login to facebook, youtube, etc..at my personal internet connection at home... thinking it will be blocked any way. Till I realize that I am at home.

Once after talking to one of my friends I ended the conversation saying, "Ok bye... in case of any issues will call you back"

Sometimes when I mistakenly delete a message from my mobile, I hope for a second, maybe it's in the recycle bin !

 

 

Once I went to a pharmacy and asked for a tab. Pharmacist asked whether I want 250mg or 500mg? I replied 256mb. Thank god he didn't notice.

And I, after a hectic week, went to a movie. In the middle of the movie, when I wanted to check the time, I kept repeatedly glancing at the bottom right corner of the Theatre Screen.

So avoid working so hard !
Have a great work-life balance.


Lastly.....
Height Of Work Pressure:

An employee opens his tiffin box on the road side to see, whether he is going to office, or coming back from office.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Chef on board

 

 

An Airline starts a new concept... Chef on Board. This demanding passenger walks into a plane and tells the hostess, "Lemme get a cheeseburger, not too rare, not too well done, but right in the groove.

"Lemme get some fries, not too crispy, not too burnt, but right in the groove.

"And while you're at it, throw in a shake, not too thin, not too thick, but right in groove."

The hostess took down the order and came back five minutes later and told the man:

"The chef said you can kiss his A*s, not to the left, not to the right, but right in the groove.

 

[worldangel]

Joke : With age comes wisdom

 

 

A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up."

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mountain bike

 

A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike. 

"How'd you get that, son?" 

"By hiking." 

"Hiking?" 

"Yeah, every night, Mom's boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike."

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Trouble on the roof

 

 

Mike and Rob were laying tile on a roof when a sudden gust of wind came and knocked down their ladder. 

"I have an idea," said Mike. "We'll throw you down, and then you can pick up the ladder." 

"What, do you think I'm stupid?" Rob replied." I have an idea. I'll shine my flashlight, and you can climb down on the beam of light." 

"What, do you think I'm stupid?" Mike answers. "You'll just turn off the flashlight when I'm halfway there."

[worldangel]

Joke: Crossed eyed bull

 

 

Farmer Brown, from Minnesota, had a bull that he was quite proud of. One day he looked at the bull and noticed his eyes were crossed. That was disconcerting, because he knew he couldn't get huge stud fees for a defective bull. He called the local vet who came right over. The vet assured him he could solve the problem.

"Farmer Brown, you stand in front of the bull and watch his eyes. I will insert this straw into the bull's rectum and blow. When the eyes uncross, yell stop."

The vet did just that, and sure enough after a few minutes of blowing, the eyes uncrossed. Farmer Brown was thrilled. Several months pass and again he sees the eyes cross.

He says to himself, "I better call the vet. No, wait a minute. Last time I called the vet, he charged me $250.00 for something that only took a few moments. I will do it myself."

He went to the barn and called his trusty farm hand, Luke.

"Luke, we have a problem here and this is what I want you to do. I will put this straw in the rear of my bull and blow. You watch his eyes, and when they uncross, tell me and I will stop blowing."

Farmer Brown started blowing and blowing and nothing happened.

Finally, he said, "You know, maybe I am not strong enough, Luke. Lets trade positions and you blow and I will watch."

Luke went over to the bull, pulled out the straw, turned it around and reinserted it.

"What the hell are you doing, Luke?" says Farmer Brown.

"What do you think? I ain't blowing on the same end that you did!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Emergency signals

 

 

Two avid hunters take a hunter's safety class in which they learn that the universal signal for an emergency is three shots in the air.

Sure enough, on their next hunting trip the two men get lost.

One says to the other, "What shall we do?"

The other says, I know fire three shots in the air and someone may come to find us.

He fires off three shots, and they wait two hours. No sign of help.

What shall we do? Fire off three more shots. So he does. Three hours later there is no response and it is getting dark. The one says "Shall we try again?"

The other says, "I guess not... I only have two arrows left...

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:House on fire

 

 

A man's house is on fire. He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside. Then he runs back in and gets his daughter and brings her outside. Then his wife. Then the dog. Then he goes back in a couple of times without bringing out anybody. 

So a fireman asks him, "Why are you going back in there?" 

The man replies, "I'm turning over my mother-in-law."

[worldangel]

Joke:What they say at the funeral

 

Three friends die in a car accident and attend an orientation in Heaven. An angel asks, "When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy says, "I would like them to say that I was a great doctor and a loving family man."

The second guy says, "I would like them to say that I was a caring husband and a schoolteacher who made a huge difference to kids."

The last guy says, "I would like them to say -- LOOK, he's moving!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sympathetic visitor

 

A big, burly man visited the pastor's home and asked to see the minister's wife, a woman well known for her charitable impulses.

"Madam," he said in a broken voice, "I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this district. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $400."

"How terrible!" exclaimed the preacher's wife. "May I ask who you are?"

The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes. "I'm the landlord," he sobbed.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Preferential Treatment

 

A fat woman and a skinny woman were sitting together at a restaurant. 

"Men prefer thin women," said the skinny woman. 

"Really? Did your boyfriend tell you that?" said the fat one. 

"No, your boyfriend told me that!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old man and his babies

 

There was a 80 year-old man that married a 21 year-old woman. A year later the woman had a baby and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 9lb 8oz baby boy. The old man replied, “This old motor is still a' running.” 

Next next year his wife had another baby and the doctor came out and told the man that he was the father of a 8lb 5oz baby girl. The old man replied, “This old motor is still a' running.” 

The next year his wife was back in the hospital yet again, having their third child and the doctor came out and told the old man that he was the father of a 10lb 9oz baby boy. The old man replied again, “This old motor is still a' running.'' 

And the doctor said, “Yeah but you better get your oil changed because this one is black.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Miserly gift

 

 

A very tight man was looking for a gift for a friend.

Everything was too expensive except for a glass vase that had been broken, which he could purchase for almost nothing. He asked the store to send it, hoping his friend would think it has been broken in transit.

In due time, he received an acknowledgement:

"Thanks for the vase," it read. "It was so thoughtful of you to wrap each piece separately."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stress

 

You stop and pick up a nice hitchhiking girl.

Suddenly she loses consciousness and you take her to a hospital. This is stress. 

In the hospital you are being told that she is pregnant and doctors start congratulating you with the future newborn. You explain that just an hour ago you have seen her for the first time in your life, but she starts telling that you are the father. This is a big stress already.

You require for a DNR analysis and they make it.

Then the doctors tell you quietly, that actually you can't be a father since you are genetically sterile. This is a stress, combined with a relief. 

On your way back home you remember, that you have three kids. That's what the real stress is.

[worldangel]

Joke: What a massage?

 

"Where's the barber who worked on the next chair?" asked the old customer as he was getting a shave.

Hadn't you heard about Bill? said the barber. It was a very sad case.

He grew nervous and despondent over poor business, and one day when a customer said he didn't care for a massage he suddenly went out of his mind and slashed the customer's throat. He is in the asylum for the criminal insane now. Will you be having a massage, sir?

Sure, go ahead! said the customer.

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Price you pay for being good

 

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven". 

The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.

The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I still love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven. 

The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.

Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.

He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

[worldangel]

Joke:Two good old boys

 

 

Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.

Not long afterward, they're out for a walk and Mick says, "Hey, Paddy, there's the NCO Club; let's you and me step in."

"But we’re only privates," protests Paddy.

"We’re Lance Corporals now," says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. "Now, Paddy, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Paddy.

"You blind, boy?" asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. "We're Lance Corporals now!"
So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.

 

"You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhea."
Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.

Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

Mick says to Paddy, "Why did you give me the thumbs up?"

"Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates and we're Lance Corporals now! "

[worldangel]

Joke:She was fired

 

An Emergency Call Center worker in London Ontario has been dismissed from her job, much to the dismay of colleagues who are reportedly unhappy with her treatment.

It seems a male caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, "I am depressed and lying here on a railway track. I am waiting for the train to come so I can finally meet Allah."

Apparently "remain calm and stay on the line" was not considered to be an appropriate or correct response...

 

[worldangel]

Joke:Different girl

 

The soldier asked for a furlough, so that he might get married.

"How long have you known the Girl?" His superior asked.

"A Week."

"Why, my lad, that is hardly long enough. I suggest that you wait a couple of months, and then, if you still want to get married, I shall grant you a furlough."

In two months the soldier was back, reminding his superior of his promise.

"So you still want to get married? My, My ! I did not suppose that a young man would stay interested in the same girl for such a long time nowadays."

"I know, sir. But it is not the same girl, sir."