Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Water, please

 

A couple is on a plane in the middle of the night, and it is dark and quiet.
The woman says to her husband: "let's have sex right here".
The husband says: "You are crazy. people will hear and see us".

"But everybody is asleep", claims the wife, "I will prove it to you. I will ask for water and you'll see that nobody answers me and nobody even hears what I'm saying".
So the woman says in a low voice: "Can I have some water please?". But no one answers. So the husband starts having sex with her.

After the plane lands, a man run to the steward and says: "quick, give me water. I have been so thirsty for the last 5 hours".

The steward gives him water and asks him: "why didn't you ask for water during the flight?".
So the guy says: "No way, a woman two rows in front of me asked for water and you won't believe what they did to her!".

 

 

 

Edited January 9, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Big chief

 

An old tribe chief was suffering wind problems, so he told his apache servant to go to the doctor on his behalf.

When he got there he told the doctor: "Big chief, no fart."

So the doctor gave him some tablets and told him to come back in a week.

The next week the servant returned. "Big chief, no fart," he said again. The doctor sighed and gave him some stronger tablets, telling him to come back in a month.

A month later he returned again, "Big chief, no fart," he repeated. Getting impatient, the doctor gave him some super strength tablets and told him to come back in a year.

One year later the servant came back and announced "Big fart, no chief".

 

 

Edited January 9, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Snow parking

 

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
announcer says, "We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Bob's wife goes out and moves her car again.

The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park..." then the electric power goes out.

Bob's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?"

With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"

 

Edited January 9, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Late returning

 

The General went out to find that none of his G.I.s were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily.

"Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General was very skeptical about this explanation, but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go. Moments later, eight more G.I.s came up to the General panting and he asked them why they were late.

"Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran 10 miles, and now I'm here."

The General eyed them, feeling very skeptical, but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.

A ninth G.I. jogged up to the General, panting heavily. "Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but..."

"Let me guess," the General interrupted, "it broke down."

"No," said the G.I., "there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them."

 

Edited January 9, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Forgiving your enemies

 

Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands.

The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," she replied, smiling sweetly.

"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied.

"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?"

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

"I outlived the bitches."

 

Edited January 9, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Ghosts

 

A psychiatrist is addressing a group of people who have all had experiences with the supernatural. He asks: "Who here has seen a ghost?"
Everyone puts up their hands. He then asks: "Who here has spoken with a ghost?"

Half the audience puts up their hands. "And who here has touched a ghost?" Ten percent of the crowd puts up their hands.

He asks: "And who here has made love with a ghost?" One little man in the back row puts up his hand...

The psychiatrist looks down from the podium at the little man and says: "Do you mean to tell me that you have made love with a ghost?"

The man replies, "Oh No! I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you correctly. I thought you said 'goat'."

 

 

Edited January 9, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: 5 Minutes left

 

This guy asks his friend, "If you knew that in five minutes the world is going to explode, what would be the first thing you would do?"

The Second guy says, "I would screw the first thing that moved... and what would you do?"

The first guy says, "I would stand very still for five minutes".

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Long life

 

An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"

The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."

The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"

The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic.

Edited January 9, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunken and rubbed

 

A young man is staggering about drunk with a key in his hand.

"What's going on 'ere then?" says a passing policeman.

"They stole me bloody car!" shouts the drunk.

"Where did you last see it?" asks the copper.

"On the end of this key!" wails the drunk.

The policeman looks him over and says, "Are you aware, sir, that your penis is hanging out of your trousers?"

"Holy shit!" screams the drunk; "They got me girlfriend too!"

 

Edited January 10, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Small world

A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.

"Why of course", comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Scotland", replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Scotland too! Let's have another round to Scotland."

"Of Course", replies the second man.

Curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Scotland are you from?"

"Aberdeen", comes the reply.

"I can't believe it", says the first man. "I'm from Aberdeen too! Let's have another drink to Aberdeen."

"Of course", replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Andrews", replies the second man. "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Andrews and graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.

"What's been going on?", he asks the bartender

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The MacClyde twins are drunk again."

[worldangel]

Joke: Terrible sunburn

 

A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and liking the continual good weather settled down for a day's sunbathing.

He fell asleep and after a whole day his legs were sunburnt beyond belief and he could hardly stand for the pain.

So he goes along to the doctor for treatment.

The doctor looks at his sunburnt legs and said, "well, you realize that this is only a small village surgery and in reality I've really got nothing at all to help you."

"However, try this and gives him one tablet of Viagra."

So the man says "but I've got acute sunburn what's a Viagra tablet going to do?"

The doctor says, "basically, nothing at all for the sunburn but it will help keep the sheets off of your legs tonight."

[worldangel]

Joke: Helping the drunk

 

A good samaritan was walking home late one night when he came upon this drunk on the sidewalk. Wanting to help, he asked the drunk "do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". When they got up on the second floor, the good person asked "Is this your floor?" "Yep".

Then the good samaritan got to thinking that maybe he didn't want to face the man's irate and tired wife because she may think he was the one who got the man drunk. So, he opened the first door he came to and shoved him through it then went back downstairs. However, when he went back outside, there was another drunk. So he asked that drunk "Do you live here?" "Yep". "Would you like me to help you upstairs?" "Yep". So he did and put him in the same door with the first drunk. Then went back downstairs.

Where, to his surprise, there was another drunk. So he started over to him. But before he got to him, the drunk staggered over to a policeman and cried "Please officer, protect me from this man. he's been doing nothing all night long but taking me upstairs and throwing me down the elevator shaft!"

 

Edited January 10, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Sad man

A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he commented, "You look terrible. What's the problem?".

"My mother died in June", he said, "and left me $10,000".

"Gee, that's tough", he replied.

"Then in July", the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000".

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed".

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000".

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad".

"Then this month", continued the friend, "Nothing!".

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pulling horse

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help his with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitced Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, Pull!", but Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!", but buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!", still nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" and the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Need light

 

 

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor.

The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?"

"Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb."

The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?"

"What? And work in the dark?

Edited January 10, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Old marriage

 

The ninety-year-old man was in for his checkup when the doctor learned he was about to marry an eighteen-year-old girl.

"Now, Mr. Jenkins", the doctor warned, "You should know that when a man your age marries an eighteen-year-old girl, somebody could get hurt".

The old man shrugged, "If she dies, she dies".

 

 

 

 

Edited January 10, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Wrong expression

 

"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated."

"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."

"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"

So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.

"Hi there," says Steve, "It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."

"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."

Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!???

 

Edited January 10, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Stolen car

 

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

 

 

Edited January 10, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Better news

 

Harry answers the telephone and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, & I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms & both legs, & will need help eating & going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My goodness. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

 

Edited January 10, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Memory problems

 

Three elderly ladies were discussing the trials of getting older.

One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood," she raps her knuckles on the table, then says, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

 

Edited January 10, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Fair dealings

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in a big city and decided to check out the local brothels.

When he got to the first one, he asked the Madame, "Is this a union house?"

"No, I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable shop.

His search continued as long as you want to draw things out, until finally he reached a brothel where the Madame said, "Why yes, this is a union house."

"And if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!" the man said. He looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive redhead. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madame, gesturing to a fat fifty-year-old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cough treatment

 The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against wall. The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?"

The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner says, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"

The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Realizing

A man was constipated, so he decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him and explained, "I'm going to give you some suppositories. I'll insert one now, and then I'll give you another one for later this evening."

Later that evening, the man asks has his wife to insert the suppository. She agrees reluctantly, then puts one hand on his shoulder and inserts the suppository. Suddenly, her husband shrieks, "Aahhhhh!"

"What's wrong? Did I hurt you?" she asks.

"No... I just realized that the doctor had *both* his hands on my shoulders!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Haircut

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"

Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."

In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"

Joey says, "To your house!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stop that

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night.

Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up.

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!"

The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

[worldangel]

Joke: With a little help from a friend

 

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

 

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

 

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?" The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

 

 

Edited January 10, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Helping the drunk

A couple is in bed sleeping when there's a rat-a-tat-tat on the door.
The husband rolls over and looks at the clock, and it's half past 3 in the morning.” I’m not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows. So he drags himself out of bed, goes downstairs, opens the door, and there's a man standing there. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize the man was drunk.

"Hi there," slurs the stranger, "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three and I was in bed," says the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tell his wife what happened and she says, "That wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby-sitter and you had to knock on that man's house to get us started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife.” He needs our help and it would be the Christian thing to help him." So the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs.

He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere, He shouts, "Hey, do you still want a push?" And he hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

So, still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?" The drunk replies, "Over here, on the swing."

[worldangel]

Joke: Refusing to jump

A young man joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an aeroplane.

The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.
"So, did you jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the 'plane, and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the 'plane!"
"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"Um, not yet. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door."
"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the 'plane. I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told be to get off the 'plane or he'd kick my arse."

"So, did you jump?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the 'plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 17 stone. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?'

I said, 'No, Sir. I'm too scared.' So the Jump Master pulled down his zip and exposed himself. He said, Boy, either you jump out of that door, or you and i are going to have some wild time".

"So, did you jump?" asked the father. "Well, a little, at first."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two lesbians at the bar

Two lesbians are sitting in a bar.

They have been drinking for quite some times when one turns to the other and slurs, "did you know there are thousands of battered women all over the world"?

The other sits quietly for a moment then turns and says, "No shit and I’ve been eating them plain all this time".

[worldangel]

Joke: Vision problems

 

A woman having vision problems went to see an eye doctor.

She said "Doctor I'm having trouble with my vision can you help me?"

The doctor said "have a seat and I will give you an eye test"

The woman sat down and faced the wall in front of an eye chart.

The doctor pointed to the last line and said "can you read this".

The woman said, "Oh no doctor I can't see that."

The doctor then pointed to another line and the woman again said "oh no doctor I can't see that."

The doctor became frustrated and decided to move the woman closer to the eye chart.

He pointed to the top line on the chart and asked the woman can you see that now?"

The woman said "Doctor I still can't see that!" Then the doctor unzipped his fly, pulled out his cock and said to the woman can you see that?"

The woman exclaimed, "Oh doctor I can see that perfectly!"

The doctor said to the woman, "Oh that's your trouble, you're cock-eyed!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Some bad news

 

A doctor takes off his glasses, rubs his eyes, and says to Mr. Smith, “I have some bad news. The tests results came back positive for cancer. Now, I can help you through this with counseling. I have a one o’clock tee time, why don’t you join me.”

They go to the golf course, and on the first tee the patient runs into a few guys he knows and he tells them he is dying of AIDS. Curious, the doctor asks, “Why are you telling everyone you are dying of AIDS when in fact you are dying of cancer?”

The guy looks at the doctor and in a very low voice says, “I don’t want any of my friends sleeping with my wife after I die.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Out of state

 

A woman just back from the United States was telling her friends about the trip.

"When my husband first saw the Grand Canyon, his face dropped a smile," she said.

"Why was he disappointed with the view?"

"No, he fell over the edge."

 

Edited January 11, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Head & Shoulders

 

A blonde and a brunet are getting in the elevator, along comes this really hot guy.

The girls noticed he has a really bad dandruff problem.

The brunet whispers to the blonde, "Someone should give him head and shoulders", and the blonde says, "How do you give shoulders.

 

Edited January 11, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Two potatoes

 

There were two potatoes sitting on a couch.

 

How can you tell the difference between the slut and the prostitute?

 

One has a sticker that says I da ho.

Edited January 11, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Back roads

 

A red neck is driving down a back road in Tennessee.

A sign in front of a restaurant reads: Happy Hour Special. “Lobster Tail and Beer.”

“What a surprise” he says to himself, “my three favourite things!!”

 

Edited January 11, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Last wishes

 

A husband calls for his wife on his deathbed. He tells his wife that after the passes away he doesn’t want her to be alone.

“Six months after I pass I think it would be okay for you to marry Joe.”

“Joe?” his wife asks. “But I thought you hated Joe.”

“I do,” the man, answers.

 

Edited January 11, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: An elderly man

 

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. The surprised madam looks at the ancient man and asks: How old are you? “I’m 90 years old,” he says. “90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”

“Oh, sorry,” says the old man. “How much do I owe you?”

 

Edited January 11, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Fact of life

One woman brings you into this world crying and the other ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!

[worldangel]

 

Joke: It helps me sleep

 

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office.

When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, They help me sleep better.

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Date night

 

A couple goes to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order. “I’ll have the biggest, juiciest steak on the menu,” says the husband. “But sir, what about the mad cow?” asks the waiter.

“Oh,” says the man, “she’ll order for herself.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Some countries

 

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad? I heard that in some parts of the world a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her”

Dad: That happens in every country, son

 

 

 

Edited January 11, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Chastity belt

 

In days of old, when knights were bold, this particular knight was leaving for a crusade and called one of his squires, "I'm leaving for the crusade.

Here is the key to my wife's chastity belt. If, in 10 years, I haven't returned, you may use the key as I'm sure she will have needs".

The knight sets out on the dusty road, armored from head to toe. He takes one last look at his castle and sees the squire rushing across the drawbridge, yelling, "Stop! Stop! Thank goodness I was able to catch you. This is the wrong key".

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sweaty husband

 

An elderly couple go to the Doctor. The man complains that when they have sex, the first time is OK but during the second time he sweats like a pig.

The Doctor asks the wife if she has any idea why her husband’s sweats like that.

"That's obvious", she answers. "The first time we have sex is in the winter, the second time is in the summer".

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Cancelled trip

 

A man's business trip is cancelled and he is at home with a rather nervous wife. They go to bed, but about midnight, the phone rings.

The man rolls over and answered...
"Hello?"
"What?"

"How the hell should I know, I live in Phoenix."
He hangs up and his wife asks, "Who was it dear?"

"Just some idiot who wanted to know if the coast was clear!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mad gorilla

 

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle.

Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright.

So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks? Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

 

 

Edited January 11, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Wedding night

 

A young couple, just married, were in their honeymoon suite on their wedding night. As Emma undressed for bed, the husband (who was a burly bruiser) tossed his pants to his bride and said, "Here, put these on." She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body. "I can't wear your pants", she said. "That's right!", said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family!"

With that, she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on." He tried them on, and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecap. He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!" She said, "That's right and that's the way it's going to be until your stupid attitude changes!"

[worldangel]

Joke: One man steady

 

Sally had been dating one man steadily for almost a year, and her mother was growing concerned.

“Exactly what are his intentions?” She demanded.

“Well, Mom, I’m really not sure,” sally said. “He’s been keeping me pretty much in the dark

[worldangel]

Joke: Mangy dog

 

On a country road, a speeder hit and killed a dog. The dog's owner stood nearby, a gun in his hand.

The speeder said, "Looks as if I killed your dog."

"Sure does."

"I'm sorry. Was it a valuable dog?"

"I wouldn't say that."

"Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be enough?"

"Well, I don't know."

"Two hundred dollars. That should do it."

"Sounds good."

The speeder reached into his pocket and came up with the money. Pressing it into the man's hand, he said, "I'm sorry I spoiled your plans to go hunting."

"I wasn't going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to shoot that mangy dog."

 

Edited January 11, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Bigger breasts

 

A couple has been married for many years, and one day the man tells his wife that he wishes she had bigger breasts.

"but how am I going to get bigger breasts?" she asks.

"That's simple", he says, "just rub your breasts with toilet paper every day".

"And that would do it?", the surprised wife wonders.

"Well,", answers the husband, "it sure did work on your behind!".

[worldangel]

Joke: A box of Viagra

 

A man walks into the pharmacy and whisper to the young lady, can I have a box of Viagra?

The clerk, very loud replied; we don't sell Viagra without prescription.

To play on the clerk’s sympathy the man pulls his pants down and says, “I don’t have a prescription but I have the patient.”

 

Edited January 11, 2016 by worldangel