Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: After his recent stay in the hospital

After his recent stay in the hospital, Pa was particularly irritable, especially regarding food. At a nearby restaurant he stopped for a quick meal and the waiter provided a bowl of soup.

As the waiter turned away to return to the kitchen Pa stopped him, calling: "Waiter!"

"Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
"The soup. Taste it," replied Pa.
"I beg your pardon, sir?"
"Taste it."

"But, sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
"Taste it," Pa persisted.
"Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
"Taste it!"

The exasperated waiter finally relented, "All right, sir, I'll taste it." 
Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"
To which Pa replied triumphantly, "Ah ha ... "

[worldangel]

Joke: Substitute at the Pearly Gates

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a big mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world. We were on vacation and I went water skiing today. I fell, the ski hit my head, and here I am. How do I get in?" 

"You have to spell a word," the woman told him. 
"Which word?" her husband asked. 
"Czechoslovakia."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Why Men Wear Earrings


A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. 
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." 

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." 
"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. 

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" 
"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."  

[worldangel]

 

Joke: I pulled into the crowded park

I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air.

She was stretched full-out on the back seatand I wanted to impress upon her that she mustremain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically, "Now you stay. Do you hear me?"

"Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady,gave me a strange look and said,
"Why don't you just put it in park?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Panda

A panda bear walks into a restaurant and orders a meal.

After eating he pulls out a gun, shoots the place to the ground, and runs away.
Quickly the bartender runs after him yelling, "HEY YOU CAN'T DO THIS!!!"

The panda turns around and yells "Yes I can. Look me up in the encyclopedia!"
So, the bartender looks up "Panda" in the encyclopedia, and it reads "Panda: increasingly rare species of bear that can be found in the eastern part of Asia. It eats shoots and leaves.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Peanuts

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up. After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". 

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied. 
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" 

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."  

[worldangel]

Joke: Trying to be impressive

A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in, and said, "Now, what can I do for you?"

"Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."

[worldangel]

Joke: Well what was that for?

An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps his wife.

She says, "Well what was that for?"

He says, "That’s for 40 years of rotten sex!"

She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.

All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.

He says, "Well what was that for?"

She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sunbathing...

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned woman, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.

"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."

"What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

[worldangel]

Joke: A city slicker moves to the country

A city slicker moves to the country and decides he’s going to take up farming.
He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, “Give me a hundred baby chickens.”

The co-op man complies. A week later the man returns and says, “Give me two hundred baby chickens.” The co-op man complies.

Again, a week later the man returns. This time he says, “Give me five-hundred baby chickens.” “Wow! The co-op man replies “You must really be doing well!”

“Naw,” said the man with a sigh. “I’m either planting them too deep or too far apart!”

[worldangel]

Joke: An elderly couple is vacationing ...

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over. "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again. "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and down and says, "Sam, what's different? It was hanging down yesterday, it's hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow!"

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why its hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

Bessie replies, "Should'a bought a hat, Sam!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Work accident

 

One day while a man was working he cut off the end of his finger while panicking he calls his wife and says, "Honey, I need to go to the hospital. I cut off my finger."

The wife replies "Your whole finger?" The man replies “No, the one next to it."

 

 

 

Edited January 18, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: My best friend

 

Bill runs into his brother at the neighbourhood pub looking quite dejected.

Bill asks him what's wrong.

His brother Tim replies that he caught his wife and best friend in bed together.

Bill asks him what did he do?

Tim says I told my wife to pack up and get out.

What did you say to your best friend, Bill asks?

I said bad, bad dog.

 

Edited January 18, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Gone fishing

 

A religious man 1, another religious man 2 and a professional poker player were fishing from a boat not from the shore of a lake.

The religious man 1 needed to go to the bathroom so he got out of the boat, walked across the water, disappeared into the woods by the shore, then walked back across the water to the boat and climbed back in.

The religious man 2 was the next to make the trip, getting out of the boat, walking across the water, disappearing into the trees, then walking back across the water and returning to the boat.

The professional poker player was the last to go. He stepped out of the boat and immediately sank. The religious man 1 looked at the religious man 2 and said: "You really should have told him where the rocks are."

 

Edited January 18, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Citizenship

 

A man after his citizenship is given a quizzed by an immigration officer: "use the words green, pink, yellow, and hostess to pass and receive the citizenship"

The man thought and thought and finally said, "The telephone went green, I pink it up and said yellow hostess.

 

Edited January 18, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Salty Water

Two buddies are fishing, but they haven’t caught anything all day. Then, another fisherman walks by with a huge load of fish. They ask him "excuse me, but where did you get all those fish?"

The other fisherman replies,” If you just go down the stream until the water isn't salty, there are a ton of hungry fish."

They thank him and go on their way. 15 minutes later, one fisherman says to the other "fill the bucket up with water and see if the water is salty." 

He dips the bucket in the stream and drinks some. "Nope. Still salty." 30 minutes later, he asks him to check again. 

"Nope, still salty." One our later they check again. "Nope. Still salty."

"This isn't good," the fisherman finally says. "We have been walking for almost two hours and the water is still salty!"

"I know," says the other. "And the bucket is almost empty!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: After his recent stay in the hospital

After his recent stay in the hospital, Pa was particularly irritable, especially regarding food. At a nearby restaurant he stopped for a quick meal and the waiter provided a bowl of soup.

As the waiter turned away to return to the kitchen Pa stopped him, calling: "Waiter!"
"Yes, sir, is there something wrong?"
"The soup. Taste it," replied Pa.

"I beg your pardon, sir?"
"Taste it."
"But, sir, I can assure you that the soup is excellent."
"Taste it," Pa persisted.

"Sir, the soup was made this morning of the finest ingredients."
"Taste it!"
The exasperated waiter finally relented, "All right, sir, I'll taste it." 
Then after a pause he said, "Where is the spoon?"

To which Pa replied triumphantly, "Ah ha ... "
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Smart puppy

A guy went to the cinema one day and noticed an old man with a dog in the front row. It was a sad, funny kind of film and the guy noticed that during the sad parts the dog cried his eyes out, and during the funny parts, the dog laughed its head off.

This happened throughout the film. After the film ended, the guy decided to go and speak to the old man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," he said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."

The old man turned to him and said: "Yeah, it is amazing. He hated the book."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was walking down the beach...

A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.

He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, " I want a million dollars." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.

Next he said, "I want a Ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.

Finally, he said," Well I've always wanted to give a kidney."

[worldangel]

Joke: Like an Olympic sprinter

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”

The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.”

The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”

She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic sprinter.”

“He’s got his time down to under 11 seconds.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Labour pain

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. 

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. 

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy walked into a little corner stone

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted, behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."

 

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot.

 

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
 

Edited January 18, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Going on vacation

A man is talking to his friend and he says: "I'm about to go on vacation and I don't know what to do."

His buddy asks: "Why?"

And the man says: "Well, last year's vacation was Hawaii. I came back, and my wife was pregnant. The year before that was the Bahamas. I came back, and my wife was pregnant. The year before that was Paris. I came back and my wife was pregnant again."

His buddy asks: "So what are you going to do differently this year?"

And the guy says: "Well, this year I'm going to bring my wife."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: To Do List

When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.
I promptly added: “Send Michelle money every month.”

A few days later my brother wrote: “Make payments on car for Jason.”

Then my boyfriend joined in with: “Buy Tom a Jeep.”

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: “Wean kids.”
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Old Age At Its Best

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it, and figured maybe he had a cold or something. 

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Russ.!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him, and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you.?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for.?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop, where I sometimes go.?' 

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her.?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: An elderly man and woman

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.

The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."

The old lady is thinking... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."

[worldangel]

Joke: New apartment

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.
"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.

"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup" replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "You friggin' IDIOT!...it's ten past three in the morning!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The 70-year-old rich man

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob's arm and listens
intently to his every word.

 

His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, 'Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?' Bob replies, 'Girlfriend? She's my wife!' They are knocked over, but continue to ask. 'So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?' 'I lied about my age', Bob replies. 'What, did you tell her you were only 50?'

 

Bob smiles and says, 'No, I told her I was 90.'
 

Edited January 18, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A red ring around his penis

One day a guy noticed that he had a red ring around his penis.
So he goes to the doctor and he gives the guy some cream and says, "If it doesn't work come back again tomorrow".

The guy went back to the doctor and said, "The cream you gave me didn't work!"
So the doctor gave him a different cream and said, "If that doesn't work come back again tomorrow".

So the next day the guy came back and said, "This stuff you gave doesn't work either".
So the doctor gave him some more cream and said, "If the red ring is still there come back tomorrow".

The next day the guy came back and said, "The cream you gave me worked! What was it?"
So the doc said, "Nothing special... It was just a lipstick remover".

[worldangel]

Joke: Lumber

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard. One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck. He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"Alright, how long do you need them?"

The blonde paused for a minute and said, "I'd better go check."

After a while, he returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Co-Worker

Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?”

The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Registration and license please

 

A man was in a hurry to meet his friend down at the nearby lake. On the way down there, he was stopped by a man fully dressed in red. The man pulled over, and the red man asked, "Hi, I'm the red jerk of the highway. Have anything to eat?"

 

The man smiled and handed him a sandwich. He continued down the highway and was yet again pulled over by a man fully dressed in green. He stopped and the guy in green said, "Hi, I'm the green jerk of the highway. Have anything to drink?"

 

Without smiling, the man handed the green guy his coke. He started off again and started to speed down the highway. Yet again he was stopped by a guy fully dressed in blue. Sighing, he pulled over and pulled down his window, leant out and said, "Let me guess. You're the blue jerk of the highway. What do you want?" "Registration and license please" came the reply.

 

Edited January 19, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Three questions

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.

"$50.00 for three questions" replied the lawyer.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes." the lawyer replied, "What was your third question?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: At the drugstore

A guy enters a drugstore and lights up a cigar.

The owner, a bit outraged, says, "Sir, please refrain from smoking here, it is a public place."

A bit bewildered, the guy answers, "But it is only yesterday I bought those cigars here."

The owner quietly replies, "Irrelevant, sir, we also sell condoms here!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Best friends???

Frank and Jim, are walking down the street when Jim turns to Frank and says, "Frank, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"

Frank says, "Jim, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."

So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Frank turns to Jim and says, "Jim, if you had two of those luxury type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"

Jim says, "Frank, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's wedding, we have gone to the same lodge together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Frank, I really would give the other one to you."

They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Jim turns to Frank, "Frank, if you had two chickens..."

"Now hold on there! Jim, you KNOW I've got two Chickens!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Disappearing diner...

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Guess The Name

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender says, "Hi stranger, my name is Mike. I'll give you a free beer if you can guess the name of this bar in three tries."

The man says, "Thanks...Mike's Place?"

"Nope."

"Mike's Tavern?"

"No,"

"Mike's Pub?"

"No, but here's a free beer anyway. Nobody ever get's it. The joint's name is Sally's Leggs!

"That's a good one." the man says and proceeds to get royally ripped.

The next morning the man is still drunk and sitting on a curb, when a cop pulls up and ask's him what he is doing there.

He responds, "I'm just waiting for Sally's Leggs to open, so I can wet my whistle!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Flat tyre

This couple out on a date get a flat while driving along on a snowy night. He goes out to change the tire, but doesn't have any gloves so before long he comes back in, job half-done, with blue hands.

"Put your hands between my legs to warm them up," says she. So he does, and goes back out to the flat tire. It's so cold, he has to come back in one more time to warm up his hands, again at her invitation, between her legs.

He finally finishes the job and comes back into the car triumphant and puts the key into the ignition.

She looks at him and says, "Aren't your ears cold?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost credit card

A man says to his friend: "My wife's credit card got stolen last week."

"That's a shame," says the friend: "have you told the police?"

"No way," says the man: "the thief is spending less than she did!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Old Age At Its Best

Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels, and discuss world problems.

One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it, and figured maybe he had a cold or something. 

But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried.

Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Russ.!

Sam was very excited and happy to see him, and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Russ, what in the world happened to you.?'

Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail!' cried Sam. What in the world for.?'

'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop, where I sometimes go.?' 

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her.?

'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.

'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walked into a bar ……

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad weather

The old man went to a whorehouse and said to the manager that he wanted something different.
So the manager sent him up to room "69".

He got in there and this woman named Hurricane Sally stripped him down and began working wonders.

Suddenly she pissed on his stomach, he asked, "What the hell was that?"

She replied, "That is the cooling rain falling all over you."

She got at it again and farted in his face.

He said, "What the hell was that?"

She then again replied, "That is the warm ocean winds blowing."

Suddenly the man got up and started to get dressed.

Hurricane Sally said, "Where are you going?"

He said, "Hell, a man can't fuck with this kind of weather!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A lawyer was trying to console

A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away without a will.

"Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer.
"You mean *right* before he died?" sobbed the widow.

"Yes," replied the lawyer. "They might be helpful if it's not too painful for you to recall."

"Well," she began, "he said 'Don't try to scare me! You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that gun.'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Smartness

There once was a "smart guy," a "not that smart guy," and an all round "not smart at all guy." They were going to cross the Sahara Desert.

The "smart guy" says, "meet here in an hour with something useful to cross the desert with!"

Later on an hour passes.

The "smart guy" says I brought some ice packs to keep our heads cool, the "not so smart guy" says I brought a pail of water to keep us hydrated.

The "not smart at all guy" says, "I brought a car door so I can roll the window down when it gets hot!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The robbery....

Two friends, Jim and Paul are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in.

While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers up against a wall and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc.

While this is going on, Jim slips something into Paul's hand. Without looking down, Paul whispers, "What is this?"

Jim replies, "It's that $50 I owe you."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Horse Pulls The Car

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull." Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull." Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Jennie, pull." Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull." And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Firm THIS Up

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the poolman and your brother."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A lady is walking down the street...

A lady is walking down the street to work and see's a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work.
On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "hey lady, you are really ugly."
The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed. The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "hey lady."
She paused and said," yes?"
The bird said, "you know.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Petroleum Jelly

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife. 

"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?" 
"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers. 

The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?" 
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: An obnoxious drunk stumbles

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way buddy you're too drunk."

A few minutes later the drunk comes in through the bathrooms, again he slurs, "give me a drink", bartender says "No man I told you last time you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in through the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"

The drunk scratches his head and says "Damn I must be... the last two places said the same thing."