The stigma of doing things alone

[iamziz]

The stigma of doing things alone

 

 

I was discussing prospective travel plans with a group of people the other day when one of them, after expressing her interest in visiting Lyon, remarked, “But I have to find someone to go with — I’m not going to travel there by myself. Nobody wants to do that.”

The same afternoon, I walked into a cafe with a friend to grab lunch. Upon seeing an acquaintance there eating solo, my friend commented, “Aw, he’s by himself. Maybe we can say hi. No one should have to eat alone. That’s so sad.”

These statements started a train of thought on which I had embarked many times before:

Why is it still seen as socially unacceptable to do things by yourself? And why is it always presumed that people don’t want to do things alone?

I do understand where people of these opinions are coming from: we, as human beings, are social beings. We are inherently inclined to be around people and thrive in community; it is only natural that we want to share in our experiences with others. Socializing and conversing are how we forge friendships and ultimately help each other grow.

However, it baffles me as to why the idea that someone wants to do something alone is so bizarre to some people. Sure — by societal norms, activities such as eating out or seeing a movie are viewed as social activities to be enjoyed with others. It’s standard of behavior and human tendency that we seek to do these things with people. But seeing someone out and about on their own doesn’t equate to him or her being lonely, or having no friends. (Okay. Sometimes when I am doing something by myself I am feeling a little lonely, or actually couldn’t find an available or interested friend. But that doesn’t mean I need or deserve pity.)

More importantly, I think we are perfectly entitled to simply not be in the mood to entertain someone throughout an activity, or socialize in general. Is it really so absurd that someone decides to ride solo for an evening and appreciate a meal alone, or only with the companionship of an absorbing novel? Residing in a first-world country nowadays entails considerable immersion in environments of distraction; throughout the day, we’re invariably staring at screens of all shapes and sizes, and being bombarded with stimuli through them. On top of that, we must make real human interactions with handfuls of people on a daily basis. It grows exhausting whether one is an introvert or extrovert. And we all need a little “me” time.

But who is to say that “me” time is only in the confines of one’s home, in the form of a pantsless Sunday spent watching Netflix and binging on pizza? Why is doing that alone acceptable anyway, but not going outside and doing something in town? Lunching solo at a cafe or laying on the beach is equally rewarding as “me” time. Time spent by myself is time spent alone with my thoughts, which I relish in a world of distraction. Once alone, I have the opportunity to ponder over matters to which I have been meaning to devote mental attention — or to think about nothing at all, and simply appreciate the present moment.

I suppose that’s another explanation for why doing things alone has a social stigma. We tend to project our own tendencies onto others, particularly in situations we view negatively; and I find that the people with the greatest aversion to doing things alone — incredibly uncomfortable at and almost disgusted by the idea — are the ones who cannot be in solitude with their minds. For what reasons, I can’t say I know, but they seem to move through life from one distraction to the next, from screen to screen.

Being alone with your mind, however, is one of the best things for your soul.

That is one of the greatest pleasures I find in doing things alone. Another is, of course, the freedom to operate on your own schedule. You can spend a full hour trying on clothes (which seems to happen frequently with me…) without the pressure of a waiting companion, or speed through a history museum because you don’t find it that interesting. If I need to backtrack for a photo or stand there for a few minutes to get it right, I have all the time in the world.

But traveling alone? Doesn’t it get a little solitary? Well, yes — I would be in denial if I said otherwise. One of the greatest joys of travel is reveling in the presence of awesome history or art with someone, and I definitely find myself wishing I had a friend with me at times; seeing what I’m seeing, eating what I’m eating, discussing our experiences. It’s nice to have someone there with you sharing that ephemeral moment that cannot be recreated.

Which leads me to my following point — despite all that, I am determined to not let such factors impede me from doing what I want and what speaks to me, and you shouldn’t either. If you truly want to do something, why should the prospect of doing it alone be an obstacle to your will? In the end, the connection you have with that object or goal is the most important. I witnessed a pretty cool example of this while attending a Tube & Berger gig in a club in France. Upon surveying the room, I became cognizant of many people at the event who appeared to be by themselves — just vibing to the music, drink in hand, not paying attention to anything else. Maybe it’s more acceptable to roll up to a club event solo in France (or Europe in general) because the club culture is different; regardless, a considerable number of people were clearly there just for the music, and I was filled with respect for them. It contributed to an unforgettable atmosphere, too — one in which music, and not shameless photo-taking or bottle service was the concern of everyone in the room.

This isn’t all with the aim to denigrate people who don’t like being alone, or make the statement that such people have no substance. To each his own. But satisfaction ultimately lies in the substance of an activity and if that is what you’re really after, then go for it. Take that trip to Lyon. Go to that underground music event none of your friends care about. Enjoy a nice dinner.

 

And all those people you think are judging you…they likely are, given the stigma of doing things alone, but what does that matter in the grand scheme of things? Doing things alone eventually begins to dissipate the feeling of self-consciousness in public places, and fosters self-awareness instead. It takes a degree of confidence and initiative to do things solo, of which you should be proud. And if I’m going to be frowned upon because I’m eating dessert alone like I’m fuckin’ Steven Glansberg then, well. So be it.

 

Source: https://medium.com/human-output/the-stigma-of-doing-things-alone-c7808daf9276#.vhvyszd8g

 

[Guest Alone]

Doing thing alone is not a big deal.  The big deal is, when you have a problem, there is no one to confide with.

[lonelyglobe]

I suppose it got to do with culture, whenever I travel in asia country, people are amazed when they found out that I m traveling alone but I don't have this problem in Europe, Australia or US.....traveling alone or doing things alone, u don't have someone to depend on, the fastest way to learn to be independent, u can officially cut queue in restaurant or theme park when they only have a single seat available  the only thing I probably won't do alone is going to kara-oke, a bit funny though and of course, certain game/sport u need to have a partner to play with. 

[Guest Guest]

4 minutes ago, lonelyglobe said:

I suppose it got to do with culture, whenever I travel in asia country, people are amazed when they found out that I m traveling alone but I don't have this problem in Europe, Australia or US.....traveling alone or doing things alone, u don't have someone to depend on, the fastest way to learn to be independent, u can officially cut queue in restaurant or theme park when they only have a single seat available  the only thing I probably won't do alone is going to kara-oke, a bit funny though and of course, certain game/sport u need to have a partner to play with. 

There is this things called kara-oke box. suitable for single to sing song. Saw this in Genting Highlands probably 10 years ago.

[Guest Guest]

24 minutes ago, Guest Alone said:

Doing thing alone is not a big deal.  The big deal is, when you have a problem, there is no one to confide with.

My only confiding is through BW forum.... Though some people will ask what's the point and this and that, don't complain, don't whine and other hurtful remarks...but You will find some really Good Soul out there...

[tetz]

I have this big smart phone and I load it full of pdf books, videos and mp3. Then I'll hop from coffee shop to hawker centres, to the beach, to McDonald's. The problem is that with so much to do, time flies.

 

Sometimes it's better to have some company to while away time with and doing nothing.

[Guest gaga]

Good to be alone, but if you need partner, find a matching one and don't rush to simply get one.

[mate69]

Silence and solitude are so understated in today's world.

[Salt&Pepper]

 

叶子是不会飞翔的翅膀
翅膀是落在天上的叶子
天堂原来应该不是妄想
只是我早已经遗忘
当初怎么开始飞翔
孤单是一个人的狂欢
狂欢是一群人的孤单
爱情原来的开始是陪伴
但我也渐渐地遗忘
当时是怎样有人陪伴
我一个人吃饭旅行到处走走停停
也一个人看书写信自己对话谈心
只是心又飘到了哪里
就连自己看也看不清
我想我不仅仅是失去你

歌手：阿桑 专辑：蔷薇之恋电视原声带

 

[Guest Guest]

She has passed away due to cancer in 2004 or 2005 I think .So sad when I learnt about this news.

Life is short indeed , I'm fine with doing things alone can be alone by myself too.

But sometimes its good to have one or two close friends to confide in .

Not looking for a partner anyway .

[upshot]

I love and treasure my alone time more then my time with people. If I ever want to de-stress and away from it all, it's not a place I need to be heading to but more back to my own alone time. heh Over time this make ones stronger as well and you also have a stronger individuality. You listen more to your inner voice then be sway easily once you have done your own findings. Yes we all need the power of 'team' or "community" for sure but one should also balance that with preserving your own identity, independence and inner strength development.

 

When you have self belief, you can withstand almost anything... even your own shortcomings.  I see too many folks being too dependent on others for everything from fun to distraction to well being and worst not even give back of shoulder the burden in a team. People like that fear being alone like a plaque heh.

[mate69]

Silence for reflection, solitude for self-awareness, stillness for growth.

[Guest Guest]

吃一人份的饭 刷一人份的碗
真的我并没有觉得孤单
逛一人份的街 买一人份的单

真的我并没有觉得孤单

 

 

 

[yhtang]

If people see it as a stigma, that's their problem. 

 

I like to do things on my own, at my own pace, in the manner I like. I enjoy that freedom.  How others see it is not my problem - that is how I handle comments on my doing things alone.  Indeed, sex with someone else is more enjoyable - provided the opposite party is experienced and know how to please me.

[Guest 7th Element]

When you are under acheived or not doing well in life, being alone is very consoling to the soul. You don't have to mingle, mixed around or compare yourself with other people.  You build your own soothing and quiet world, and let time passes calmy and peacefully, no rush, no competition and no madness.  

[Chocolateabs]

23 hours ago, lonelyglobe said:

I suppose it got to do with culture, whenever I travel in asia country, people are amazed when they found out that I m traveling alone but I don't have this problem in Europe, Australia or US.....traveling alone or doing things alone, u don't have someone to depend on, the fastest way to learn to be independent, u can officially cut queue in restaurant or theme park when they only have a single seat available  the only thing I probably won't do alone is going to kara-oke, a bit funny though and of course, certain game/sport u need to have a partner to play with. 

Is easier to make more friends. 

[Guest Quest]

6 minutes ago, Chocolateabs said:

Is easier to make more friends. 

also easy to become a target by malicious people