Heartbits (Speak your heart out)

[yag123123]

Just now, yag123123 said:

It is ok to regret about things

 

You fked up...i fked up...everyone had fked up

 

We are all humans and humans are not perfect

 

But love is accepting each other unperfect traits and accepting them for who they are

 

And i disagree the words

 

"You will be fine"...

 

It is like...when someone is down  and..you ask that person to cheer up...and the person can magically become happy?

 

If someone actually cares,

That person will be a listening ear

 

Instead of putting a big fat full stop on someone's situation by saying

 

You will be fine

 

Cheer up

 

Life will be better for you one day

 

When in reality, no! ,life actually sucks

And it will be even sucky-er when we get older

 

That is why we need good friends, family , someone that we can walk life journey together..

Which i am hoping to meet such friends in bw 😊

[yag123123]

On 10/18/2019 at 7:32 AM, fallmerees said:

So I've been journaling a lot lately and I thought I'd share something here. The posts that I will share are just messy, random thoughts. Please forgive me if they don't make sense. It made sense during the writing haha.

 

My First Time.

 

Like many people, I’ll never forget my first time.  

 

Although, not many can say that their first time was in their late 20s. Mine was, and believe it or not, it was sometime last year. 

 

Unlike some people, I had no desire or eagerness to get rid of my virginity.  I’ve always been a late bloomer in life especially when it comes to sex. Of course, I get curious sometimes but I always tend to hold back. I didn’t care about the stigma of being a virgin. Despite how sexual I might have been perceived online, a big part of me still believed that there were some traces of innocence I should cling to. My virginity.

 

As cliché as it was, I’d always pictured my first time with someone I knew and loved. It didn’t need to be magical - just special. 

 

Love.  Although I never experienced it in its entirety, all my life, I’d been experiencing it vicariously through other people’s relationships. Now I’m older, the idea of love has gotten more intriguing to me maybe because how rare it is these days. 

 

My first time was with a stranger. We met through a social app. Nope, it wasn’t Grindr. I’ve always found that to be a hopeless source for real connections. 

 

He was a teacher. I used to think that teachers would make such perfect lovers. They’re good listeners, great communicators, and somehow I've always found them very reassuring. 

 

Like on all my social profiles, I try to be my most genuine self. I also mention the generic things like who I am and sometimes what I do, and the types of friendships I seek. I also mention my insecurities. OMG who does that?! Well, *points to self* this guy!  Showing your vulnerable side can turn some people off, but to me I just want to be an open book. Sometimes too open for my own good. 

 

The teacher initiated the conversation. I remember I was at McDonald’s getting myself dinner. My phone buzzed and his named appeared on the notification screen - Lawrence. I didn’t know any Lawrence before. He was my first.

 

Lawrence told me all these flattering things about me.  He thought I was cute and had a beautiful smile. On top of that, he loved my profile and how honest it was. YAY! I rarely get compliments and usually don’t know how to react to them. Unlike most guys in the gay community, I’ve always found myself very different. I’m not gym/fit, I’m too skinny and awkward. I always joke that I’m the alien type - the type that can’t fit in. As soon I saw his message, I was smitten. Could he be the one?

 

One morning he messaged me and asked if I wanted to come over to his place. I told him I had work to do and a deadline to meet. He sent me a video of himself pouting his lips and begging me to come over. I caved in. 

 

When I got to his place, I felt beads of sweat rolling down my back. This was my first time meeting a guy at his place. I barely knew this man. This was all going too fast. “Shit, what am I doing here?”

 

I was scared. Part of me wanted to leave mainly because I thought I wasn’t ready. Plus, I had work to do. But at the same time I was curious - and a little hopeful - to find where this would go. 

 

Lawrence sensed my nervousness and probably my awkwardness too. He managed to talk me down with some small talk. After warming up to him, we ended up kissing on the couch in his living room. The next thing I knew, we’re already in his bedroom with our clothes on the floor. This was my first time being naked in front of another man. Oh shit, is this really happening?

 

Despite my skinny frame, he told me how sexy I was. I was embarrassed. Lawrence had a big build. I guess he could be categorized as stocky. He was handsome. I was a little taller than him. Tall and lanky. 

 

We kissed and hugged. I didn’t want it to end. Then it was time for the real thing. I was so nervous but I mustered up the courage. “It’ll be okay,” he reassured. 

 

My first time. It wasn’t like what I thought it’d be. It felt awkward probably because I was inexperienced. Something unexpected happened: a tear rolled down the side of my face. Could it be my soul crying? Was my soul trying to say something? I hoped Lawrence didn’t see that. It was already so awkward as it was, at least for me. But with a little bit of his guidance, we slowly got the hang of it. He eventually came. I didn’t. I was fine with that. I was just glad it was over.

 

We spent the next 15 minutes cuddling and kissing. That was probably the most intimate thing I’d ever done with anyone. The pillow talk was nice. I didn’t want it to end but I had work to do. We proceeded to take a shower together. The products in his shower fascinated the little gay in me. Everything smelled so good! It was my first time being introduced to Jack Black. We used that expensive body wash to clean ourselves up. It was very intimate. It was nice and we smelled nice. I didn’t want it to end.

 

After shower, we spent the next half an hour talking and having coffee in the living room. We talked about various topics from movies to his taste of music. You’d think he’s a music snob but  pop music playing in the background would disagree. He told me  he was trying to keep up with what his students was listening to. I thought that was kinda cute. He must have really cared about his students. He was so charming and that just made me want to learn more about him. 

 

Lawrence told me that he had just gotten out of a long relationship and that he wasn’t really looking for anything serious at the moment. I understood where this was going. I tried not to show that I was a little disappointed because I was already falling for him. 

 

I don’t remember how but he somehow managed to mention all these guys he was also seeing.  The disappointment became hurt. At that moment, it felt like I was one of his conquests. I wish he hadn’t told me that. Why would he tell me that? He was probably trying to make sure that I didn’t get attached. Too late, I already got attached. Sigh. I just wanted to be the only one. 

 

I smelled like Lawrence the rest of the day while I was out at work. The long lingering smell of his expensive body wash still lingered on me and even my shirt smelled like him. It was intoxicating. I was obsessed. I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I tried to buy myself a bottle of the body wash online but it was just too expensive. I didn’t want the smell to go away. I wanted him.

 

I’d been thinking about Lawrence a lot ever since that day. It’d been weeks and I finally mustered up the courage to give him a text, hoping to see him again. 

 

“Hey Lawrence! How are you? It’s been awhile! We should hang out!"

“I’m actually kinda dating someone now,” he said.  

“You are? I see. I’m happy for you tho! :)” I lied. I wasn’t happy at all. I wish we could still hang out even as friends. Maybe that would just complicate things.  

 

And that’s the last time I heard from him. Despite saying he was seeing someone else, he was still   using the app. I was hurt. Maybe I got played. Damn, was I an idiot? Perhaps all the years of teaching impressionable teenagers had perfected his charade. It also helped that he was a film teacher. He probably knew how to handle impressionable guys like me too. I still wonder how many others he’d fooled or was I the only one? Ugh, idiot. 

 

I hated the fact that he was my first. I didn’t know losing my virginity to the wrong guy could cause me so much pain and deep regret. I still couldn’t get over him. I didn’t miss him though. I for sure didn’t miss the sex. I just missed the intimacy. I still do. The cuddling and kissing, and the just being with someone that’s something I’ve craved for for so long. I wish I didn’t have a taste of that. Some people say you can't crave for something you don’t know. I know intimacy. I’ve unfortunately tasted it. And I crave for it.

 

In a slump of depression and finding the way out, I tried to recreate the same intimacy with a couple of guys I met online, but in vain. But the same thing happened like it did with Lawrence: a tear rolled down my face when we had sex. Little did I know, those last traces of innocence I once clung to so tightly were no longer there. 

Hmmm i did not have anal fun

 

Until SB left me and out of anger i gave myself to a stranger(with condom)..

 

Thankful for the extra dim lights

 

The another guy cant see my extremely sad mix with anger face

 

It started

 

I was silent and only make comments if it is too painful...

 

Then tears...streaming down my face as i was picturing SB...working in me...i cried even more...the loud music muffled my whimping cries

 

I whispered his name...SB

 

But it hurts...not really my ass but my heart i had to put my hand on my chest

 

The guy stopped and ask if i am ok...touching my face while asking me

 

I said i am ok

 

He commented if i am hot as i am sweaty

But those were tears..

 

He continued...

 

And my moans slowly changed to

 

fk me

 

And yes he acts like a strangee after that

[fallmerees]

Part One:
Part Two

All these years of living vicariously through other people’s relationships couldn’t even prepare me for this. Even an unsolicited reading from a fortune teller couldn’t foresee it. He said love would find its way into my life, but what he didn’t see was that it’d make its way out, eventually, leaving me with a broken heart. Maybe he did see that coming. Maybe you saw it coming too. 

 

In a moment of bliss, plans, promises, hopes and dreams were made. I should’ve known it was all too good to be true. It all sounded beautiful. Too beautiful. Too real. Maybe I was just too in love to see that. Now I wonder if those sweet "I love you’s” you uttered to me were even real. Was everything you told me even true or only true in those blissful moments? Had they all turned into false hopes, broken dreams, and empty promises?

 

I once asked what changed between us. I still can't fully fathom what it really was. Sometimes I wonder to myself if maybe you'd changed and I was still living in the past. 

 

It was sometime in summer I realized that you were happier and more at peace with yourself. After going through hell, things got better for you. But it was also then I realized you didn’t need me like you used to. I guess that’s when things really started to change between us. 

 

You’d reconnected with so many people in your life and came out to everyone you loved. Everyone embraced you with love and open arms. It was so beautiful to see you so happy. I was so proud of you. I always wondered what it was like to feel that kind of liberating happiness. I still do. I wish you’d shared more of that with me. I wish you had let me into your newfound happiness, but you didn’t need me anymore. Why would you need me when you had all those people? Soon you started to realize that too. 

 

Slowly you pushed me away. I sensed a little more shift in our dynamic. I thought I was holding you back. I was just the last thing you need to rid off from your new happy life. I thought I should give you more time and space like I did before. Maybe by doing that, you’d be happy to include back in your life. 

 

I wanted you to bask in the joy of your newfound freedom. I wished we’d spend more time like we used to, but I knew that this was an important time for you to be with your loved ones even if it meant me not being much in the picture. I was still happy for you. Sad, but I was still happy for you. I thought seeing you happy made would make it less painful that you didn’t need me anymore.

 

You told me that we’re too codependent on each other.  Maybe it was just all me. Maybe I was the only codependent one. Had it always been one-sided? 

 

I guess I just wanted to feel wanted and needed again. You saw that as codependency. I saw that as me just being in love. 

 

There were days I was struggling so hard and wished I had you by my side. Problems with family and work - all compounded into something that was too much for me to handle. There were also many times I wished I could call you but I always felt that you had too much on your plate. I didn’t have the heart to burden you. I didn’t want to depend on you to make my problems better or make me feel better. I knew that things were getting better for you but I guess I was just scared you’d think I was needy. Would that make me more codependent?

 

On the first day of the long National Day weekend, you found me at Starbucks, sitting at the long table with a bunch of other patrons. Instead of resting, I was working that day because of the huge slip up I made at work. I needed to salvage my job. I needed to vent, needed to cry to someone. I was on my own. Seeing you were such a sight for sore eyes. You had no idea how much I wanted to hug you and bury my face in your chest and cry. I really wanted to let you know that I needed you. But you seemed so happy and I then I'd realized you were spending that long weekend with your boys. And I just didn’t want to ruin that. 

 

I guess I was struggling between wanting you but also not wanting to be so needy. I was so lonely. I didn’t have anyone. You had people who loved you, At least one of us was happy. 

[fallmerees]

Part Three

It was more than a month since we last saw and talked to each other.  Sometimes I wondered why you always seemed distant every time we’d spend the weekend together. I understood that having time and space to ourselves was healthy, but it felt different with us. 

 

I saw that you didn’t reply to my last message. I figured you had been busy with work and the obvious commitments of being a newly divorced parent. But seeing you online on this site, flirting with other guys, and commenting on their explicit photos made me think you had some time on your hand, just not with me. 

 

I knew that you didn’t want me anymore but it still broke my heart. And of course, I imagined the worst, like you fooling around with other guys when weren't talking.  

What if he'd already done that when we were still together?
Maybe to protect my feelings, he'd kept that away from me.
Maybe giving him space was a bad idea.
What if he was never in love with me?
Maybe it was all just lust that he'd felt for me.

 

It’s crazy how incredibly insecure my thoughts were. The maybes and what if's kept me awake almost every night. I knew I should’ve just swallowed my pride and asked for the truth, but a big part of me would rather have you telling me lies. 

 

I regretted suggesting an open relationship in the past. I knew it was crazy for me to suggest that. But since sex was very important to you and that I wasn’t ready, I thought you’d be happy with the arrangement.  

 

I thought sharing with you the stories about my horrible sexual encounters in the past would make you understand my situation. You told me you'd wait for me until I was ready. I wish you’d waited a little longer because clearly you had no patience for that. You weren’t really happy.

 

The thought of you being with someone else hurt me a lot. It felt like a knife twisting in my chest. It was hurting and suffocating me at the same time. But why would you care if was hurting or not. You didn’t care when you made those remarks about those guys in public in front of me before. And all those stories told me about the guys you'd met online, and the things you did with them. You didn’t care how they made me feel back then, why should you care about how I felt now?

 

For someone who’s sensitive, how could you be so careless and mindless with your words and actions? Somehow you knew how they'd make me feel. Somehow they also felt deliberate. But I still loved you anyway. I didn't believe you were that cruel. 

Edited October 26, 2019 by fallmerees

[fallmerees]

Part Four

 

Your birthday was approaching. I thought it’d be the perfect time for us to meet again. 

It’d been too long. I wanted to surprise you but I knew it was very short notice.

You’d probably already made plans. 

But I still wanted to see you. 

 

Last year for your birthday, I baked you a cake. 

You said you loved it and you made me promise to bake you one again this year. 

So that's what I did. I baked you a cake again this year. 

Because a promise was a promise. 

At least I knew how to keep mine. 

 

I’d spent the entire day trying to bake a decent cake for you. 

I knew I wasn’t good at it but I still wanted to do it for you. 

 

At midnight, I wished you a happy birthday. 

The moon happened to be full. What were the odds? 

I took a picture of it accompanying my wish. 

In it, I also told you about the cake and hoped that we could meet so I could pass it to you. 

But you hadn’t seen my message. 

I figured you’d already gone to bed.  

 

I saw your reply the next day. 

It was short and a little underwhelming. 

You were polite at least but I wasn’t sure if you were still keen to meet me. 

I wanted to tell you that I’d taken a day off from work. It was my first leave in a very long time. 

I texted you if I could see you on that evening instead, but you didn’t reply. 

I figured you must have been busy. Maybe you were working on your birthday. 

I knew I should’ve told you in advance but I just wanted to surprise you. 

For the first time in a very long time, I had time to myself. 

Unfortunately, I didn’t get to spend it with you. 

[fallmerees]

Part Five

 

That evening I heard my phone ring. I’d just been out of the shower. I stood by my phone, frozen. I’d missed your call. I was nervous. Maybe something bad might have happened to you. Damn, even when you clearly didn’t care about me, I was still worried about you. I mustered up the courage and called you back. It was ringing for a while before I heard your voice. You had no idea how much I’d missed hearing that voice. 

 

You asked if I was free to meet you. Of course I was. Your birthday cake was still with me and I really wanted to see you. I wanted to tell you that I’d been waiting all day for your reply. But it didn’t matter now. We were finally going to meet. 

 

You drove me to the pier. Our pier. It felt just like old times. On our way there, memories of us being on that pier came reeling in front of me just like a movie flashback. We’d been there a lot. Oh how I’d missed being there with you. But I could tell that things were different now. I knew there was something you wanted to say to me. I knew it was something serious. Did it have to be at the pier? Our pier? Why did I choose to go there? 

 

That evening under the full moon, you confirmed my worst fear. You told me that you’d moved on from me. For a minute it felt like the world around me stopped and all I could hear was my heart pounding in my ears. 

 

Too overwhelmed by emotions, I was only half paying attention to the details.

 

We are too codependent on each other.  

My therapist told me that I wasn’t ready for a relationship. 

But I realized I am actually ready for one, just not with you. 

You should be out there, making new friends.

 

Your words were like poison. Every drop of it seeped into my skin and reverberated in my bones before making its way to my fragile heart. Oh my heart...

 

How was it so effortless for you to say all those things? 

 

“Let’s keep in touch,” you said. I had heard this many times to know where this was going.  Did you really mean that? I didn’t know what to feel anymore. All I knew was that you’re pushing me away. It was very obvious. You were done with me.

 

I couldn’t breathe. My chest felt heavy. There’s a lump in my throat and there were knots in my  stomach. And my heart… Oh my heart... It hurt.  At that moment, all those beautiful memories of us together, and those times on the pier, felt like distant memories escaping from me, slowly, one by one. Had they all been illusions. Was I dreaming all this while? Was I finally waking up? Please don’t wake me up.

 

I wish I could’ve said something, but I couldn’t. Would it make any difference? You’d already made up your mind anyway.  I was not prepared for this. I wanted to cry. I needed a shoulder to cry on. I needed you. But you didn’t need me. 

 

At that moment I knew I that all the things we went through together didn’t mean anything to you. I was your best friend and that somehow didn’t mean anything to you either. At that moment I knew I was not enough, at least for you. 

 

It seemed like disappointment was a recurring theme in my life. I should’ve seen this coming. But I was blinded by love, blinded by happiness. I should’ve known it was all too good to be true. Was I too hopeful?  Was I too needing? Somehow it felt like I deserved this. I told myself not to have expectations. Now I felt stupid.

 

You told me I’d always be your special friend. I wish I knew what that meant. Was that title as empty as the hopes and promises you made with me? Would saying that to me make things better or less painful for me or for you? Did you even feel anything?

 

It’s funny how you were the one who decided that we should be together. And now you’re the one who decided that we shouldn’t. I wish I had a say in all this. I wish what I wanted mattered. You had always been in control and I had always been powerless. Sometimes I wondered if you even cared about how I felt. But it became clear that it’d always been about you. It didn’t matter now, you’d made up your mind.

 

Who knew that during a full moon I’d fall in love. And who knew that under a full moon I’d also have my heart broken. 

 

That evening, on the pier, it soon became clear to us that the cake I'd baked for you was never the gift that you wanted all along. It was my broken heart. 

 

Happy Birthday. 

[yag123123]

Our years are clocking and so is our physical body market value..

 

Life is short to be wasted on someone who dont love or even think of you..

 

I have moved on and now...attached...even though i dont know how long this relantionship will last..but i am trying to make the most out of our time

[Guest lastdraw]

back in university when summer break was still a concept, i spent most of those breaks completing internships. my last two summer breaks were in June last year and the year before. as my work place for both internships happened to be in town and there’s a bus service that brings me there directly from home, my daily morning routine included a visit to the bus stop below my place before getting on the bus to work. 

 

to avoid unnecessary panic i usually follow a timetable in the morning, and 7:45am was the time to leave the house for the bus. and so starting from two years back, i would bump into this pair of mother and child at the bus stop. 

 

she is a petite lady, with a short and neat ponytail pinned at the back of her head and always donned in a simple work dress. she would carry her baby in her chest with those rather old-school sack tied around her waist, and she usually looked flustered or just not in a pretty mood. 

 

that summer ended by August and i returned to school. over the course of the next one year, i forgot about this mother and child since i never saw them again. last year when i started a new internship, 7:45am weekday mornings at the bus stop became a thing again. 

 

and i met the same mother and child. 

 

the adorable baby was now bigger than i remembered and had much longer hair. she was in the same sack her mother carried around her waist. the lady still had her short and neat ponytail, though i believe she was already wearing new dresses. 

 

that summer also ended and i went back to school for my final year. then i graduated and officially began adulting. for the past few months i have been taking the train to work, since riding on the relatively new train line that opened near my house was significantly more convenient than taking the bus. but this morning i decided to shake things up a little and take the 7:45am bus. 

 

i met the same petite mother with the short and neat ponytail.

 

whats different though - she was holding the hand of a toddler girl, and carrying a baby in her chest with the same sack around her waist. the adorable baby back then could now walk by her own. she also has a baby brother/sister now!

 

the mother held the girl’s hand as they boarded the bus. the girl could not hide her excitement and started chanting, ‘’bus is moving! the bus is moving!’’ from where im seated now, i could see the mother talking to her very inquisitive girl and smiling, while her baby child slept quietly on the shoulder. 

 

and with each bus journey the children shall grow. 

Edited October 31, 2019 by lastdraw

[fallmerees]

This is about my struggles with anxiety/depression. Figured I'd share some of my thoughts and feelings that I wrote in my journal here

Love me and let me go

 

I thought you were gone for good, but here you are back in my life. 

 

There’s something different about you.
This time, you’re stronger, fiercer.
And you can tell that I’m different too — weaker and more vulnerable than you last left me.

 

You can sense my fear. You love it, don’t you? It whets your insatiable appetite. 

 

Your touch, your kiss, your breath on my neck, and on my chest — they all hurt me. 

I can’t breathe. You’re suffocating me. You’re draining me out. 

It feels like life is escaping me whenever you come to play. 

And It gets more exhausting, overwhelming, worse than the last visit. 

 

Everyday is like having a painful lie. 

I’m masking my pain of you just so I can stay sane.

Sometimes I’m so good at faking it. 

But how long can this charade last?

Will someone finally figure out I’m eternally punished by you? 

 

Some days are a little more excruciating. 

My escape? I have none. 

I’m still seeking, searching, and yearning for that peace of mind. 

I seek distractions from you.

 

Home isn’t a safe place. Nowhere is. 

You seem to be anywhere and everywhere. I can never escape you, can I? 

Only you, my abuser, see me in my room crying and alone. 

Only you witness my meltdowns. 

Only you witness my worst.

 

Sometimes I wonder when this pain will end. 

Oh I forgot. It’s eternal. I’m cursed by you forever. 

Or maybe until my dying breath? I shudder to find out. 

 

I don’t have anyone. It’s lonely. 

But in a really funny, sad and sick way, I’m not when I’m with you. 

It’s that why you came back? Because I was lonely? 

 

Okay, I’ll let you love me again tonight.

Perhaps even later in the public restroom or in a corner of a crowded room.

But before that, just let me pretend that I’m tying my shoes.
let me pull myself together and pretend that everything is going to be okay. 

Just let me pretend to be okay. 

Edited May 5, 2020 by fallmerees
my bad grammar

[tinkermybutt]

On 6/10/2018 at 8:35 PM, lastdraw said:

Recently I've been rather unstable. 

 

I am losing control of my life. I can't really pinpoint what's wrong. 

Perhaps there are so many things I could do, or feel I should be doing. Yet, I couldn't find any motivation to start any. 

What's worse is that I hate such an unproductive lifestyle. How ironic. 

 

I know I just can't stay at home and rot any further. 

I ate an early dinner, packed my bag and travelled all the way to town for this coffee outlet. 

The past two hours have been rather fruitful. At least I feel I'm sorting stuff out. 

 

I like this place because customers I meet here are always so focused in their task, so absorbed in their world. 

It's 8:30pm. Most people would have their dinner and head back home to rest early before the new week starts. 

The place will only get quieter. I will only feel better. 

 

Some laughter from not faraway caught my attention. 

I looked up and saw a couple chatting over coffee. 

The girl is blocked, but the guy is right in line of my sight. He has such a cute smile. 

They laughed again. 

 

I ordered black coffee and a cheescake. 

I always like the cheesecake - its sour and sweet combination and its soft texture. 

But today, I seem to like the bitter coffee more.

At your age why r u alone.... u should enjoy life n be merry.

[Guest lastdraw]

落下 同一颗太阳
有什么特别的吗
你还不是一样
温暖却停在远方

[chaowamushi]

"I tell you this
to break your heart,
by which I mean only
that it break open and never close again
to the rest of the world."

- lead, mary oliver

[Guest lastdraw]

看淡了绝望才不浓 无奈才不痛
看淡了才不再奢求 才迎向自由

 

肯接受 只有无形的能不朽

狂风停 云也该放开手
淡淡地走

[fallmerees]

Boy In Quarantine

 

He’s a homebody but home is no haven.

He’s stuck in the solitude of his room while the world outside is falling apart.

Little do you know his world inside feels the same way too.

 

He yearns. He craves. And he ponders.

He sighs. He cries. Yet he still wonders.

He's hungry. He’s tired. And he’s weak. 

 

His body aches, his eyes are heavy, and he’s losing weight.

He battles his own thoughts. He fights his own shadows. 

But he loses almost every night.

 

He exercises. He meditates. And he tries to pray. 

But he still feels empty and hollow inside. 

 

So he dances, and he sings to the music he loves. 

And he laughs. And he exclaims, with no company but his own.

 

He finds solace in this temporary bliss.

Just a shred of peace at times like this.

[yuquidam]

1 hour ago, fallmerees said:

Boy In Quarantine

 

He’s a homebody but home is no haven.

He’s stuck in the solitude of his room while the world outside is falling apart.

Little do you know his world inside feels the same way too.

 

He yearns. He craves. And he ponders.

He sighs. He cries. Yet he still wonders.

He's hungry. He’s tired. And he’s weak. 

 

His body aches, his eyes are heavy, and he’s losing weight.

He battles his own thoughts. He fights his own shadows. 

But he loses almost every night.

 

He exercises. He meditates. And he tries to pray. 

But he still feels empty and hollow inside. 

 

So he dances, and he sings to the music he loves. 

And he laughs. And he exclaims, with no company but his own.

 

He finds solace in this temporary bliss.

Just a shred of peace at times like this.

So beautifully written. Just beautiful! 

[yuquidam]

On 2/8/2020 at 2:00 PM, lastdraw said:

看淡了绝望才不浓 无奈才不痛
看淡了才不再奢求 才迎向自由

 

肯接受 只有无形的能不朽

狂风停 云也该放开手
淡淡地走

Any kind soul can help translate please?

[wilfgene]

3 minutes ago, yuquidam said:

Any kind soul can help translate please?

 

On 2/8/2020 at 2:00 PM, lastdraw said:

看淡了,绝望才不浓, 无奈才不痛;
看淡了,才不再奢求 才迎向自由.

 

肯接受只有无形的能不朽

狂风停, 云也该放开手,
淡淡地走.

English-lized Chineses.

Either,

transcend,

or,

self-comfort for being dumped.

Instead of diluted, may replace with penetrated or broken.

I am no Du Fu, Arthur Waley or Richard B. Mathers.  

[yuquidam]

3 hours ago, wilfgene said:

 

English-lized Chineses.

Either,

transcend,

or,

self-comfort for being dumped.

Instead of diluted, may replace with penetrated or broken.

I am no Du Fu, Arthur Waley or Richard B. Mathers.  

Thanks for the attempt but I got even more ??? LOL

[fab]

On 5/10/2020 at 8:53 PM, yuquidam said:

Any kind soul can help translate please?

 

 

On 2/8/2020 at 2:00 PM, lastdraw said:

看淡了绝望才不浓 无奈才不痛
看淡了才不再奢求 才迎向自由

 

肯接受 只有无形的能不朽

狂风停 云也该放开手
淡淡地走

 

 

After Letting go, expectation is minimal, hopelessness won't be pain.

After letting go, there's no hope, can brace towards freedom.

 

Learn to accept that only formless is eternal. 

After storm, dark cloud will disperse. 

Leave quietly. 

[yuquidam]

Thanks @fab for the helpful translation & @wilfgene for the serious & humorous attempt.

[repressednerd]

When I was a toddler/kid, I look very mixed. 

 

When I became a teenager/young adult, I looked very cheena. 

 

Now as I approach middle age, I look more mixed.

 

Quite interesting how your look can really change as you age.

[mate69]

I made the worst mistake of my entire life in March 2019.

This is a colossal error of judgement that I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

You are my single biggest mistake.

[yuquidam]

On 5/22/2020 at 11:13 AM, mate69 said:

I made the worst mistake of my entire life in March 2019.

This is a colossal error of judgement that I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

You are my single biggest mistake.

 Bro, just read your post. Hope everything is ok now or that you are at least able to be at peace with the mistake. Sometimes things do happen despite the best of our efforts. The only way forward is to be hopeful for better days which will come in time. I suppose nothing stays up or good forever, and nothing stays down or bad forever too ya. I truly, truly wish you brighter days ahead, bro.

[mate69]

5 hours ago, yuquidam said:

 Bro, just read your post. Hope everything is ok now or that you are at least able to be at peace with the mistake. Sometimes things do happen despite the best of our efforts. The only way forward is to be hopeful for better days which will come in time. I suppose nothing stays up or good forever, and nothing stays down or bad forever too ya. I truly, truly wish you brighter days ahead, bro.

 

Thank you! Appreciate it bro.

It's one of those things in life, I guess.

 

[fab]

Things happen for a reason, be it good or bad.

[Guest lastdraw]

-

Edited June 11, 2021 by lastdraw

[Guest dustyknight]

我只能勇敢 學習 釋然
把離別的苦思念的酸 都看淡
人總要習慣 生命就是一站一站
不斷在轉換

 

我只能勇敢 順其 自然
誰叫我 對於真愛那麼期盼
不想要 關住了自己 安全但卻太黑暗

我只能勇敢 順其 自然
誰叫我 寧願浪漫不要平淡
不投入盛大煙火表演 沒有危險但也不燦爛

 

🎆🎇

[IkuTube]

Coming Home Within Me

 

The pandemic has brought my world to a standstill.  While I pray for the well being of humanity and Mother Earth during this challenging time, the pandemic has given me great opportunity about coming home to within myself.  Somewhat, I feel peaceful.  Somehow, I feel an increasing tendency to let things happen rather than make them happen.

 

The lockdown slows down my pace for a good opportunity to visit on self knowledge.  It is a good time to discover things that I have taken for granted all these times.

 

The social inactivity forces me to pay more attention to who am I.  It is the perfect timing to go deeper about knowing myself.  It is the time to listen to my body.  How is my physical body coping?  What are the dominant thoughts in my mental body?  Why is my emotional body feels in a certain way?  Where has my spiritual body taken me?

 

Self knowledge is important as it offers a route to greater happiness and fulfilment.  A lack of self knowledge has greater chance of making errors in my dealings with others and in the formulation of my life choices.

 

I should take as much opportunities during this time to know about myself.  I have to ask myself deep challenging questions, such that I shall have a more comfortable vision of the real me.  It will do me good should I know about my Self 'I'-dentity.

 

This pandemic leads me to take the silence pills.  The good thing, in my silent days and nights being alone, introspection has started to take place.  It is about taking the courage to unpack my luggage to see the truth about all my likes and dislikes.

 

At the core, this is the time that I must know what matters most to me?  What makes me comes alive?  What feeds my soul?  What drains my spirit?  And, how to know the difference so that I can choose well to move forward in life?

 

 

[IkuTube]

From A Heart To Another

 

From my heart to another, I wish you well.  From my soul to another, 'I love you'.  From the thinking mind of mine to another, 'I am sorry'.  From the human me to another, 'Please forgive me'.

 

Here, on Mother Earth, we share our destiny.  We walk towards finding our meaning, our purpose.  We intertwine our experiences with hope that we are to learn from each other.  All the little things are not tiny matters that we share along our ways.  There is no escape.  We cannot be the only man on the island.

 

As humans, it is unavoidable that we may not see eye to eye.  We may have to agree to disagree.  We disagree and agree.  It is, in those occasions, that lessons are learned.  We give and we take.  We take and we give.  Life is not about you nor it is about me.  Everything co-exists for greater purpose towards the 'I'.

 

As a divine human, there is love for each other.  As a soul, I have to embrace this emotion.  I have to make it better.  I have to respect.  I should not dim the light of another soul nor do I humiliate him or her.  It is the light of others that helps to brighten my world.

 

The Universe is a transcendental layer of each person's soul.  It houses our lives, for my life.  When our tasks are done, we bid each other goodbye.  I wish for no sadness but joy.  There should not be regrets but celebration.  There has to be firework of gratitude walking on the bridge to the final light.

 

Death is not an if but when.  When the day has come for me, I want to celebrate love.  I want to appreciate and rejoice life.  I want all the people whom I crossed path with, from the time I was born, to know that I have thought about them, one way or another.  I want to thank them.  I want to thank my precious life, my family, my relatives and my ancestors.

 

On my last breath, your task is done and so is mine.  Till we meet again, 'I thank you' for all the lessons that I need to learn.  'Thank you' for walking along with me.  'Thank you' for all the rich experiences.  May the blessings be.  And, it is done.

 

 

[BudakFit]

My heart have heal but still 50-50 of thinking 🤔 going out for dates haha 

[IkuTube]

I Cannot Win Them All

 

As life is unpredictable, every explanation about life is at no time complete.  Every accomplishment will present another new challenge.  Every better answers invariably raise new deeper questions.  The farther I get in life, the longer the road seems.  The higher I climb, the peak exceeds new height.

 

My existent is not about winning.  Nor it has to be about failures or lost.  Life, at large, is to meet half way.  It has to be about balance.  It is the journey that counts and not the race.  To exist is to co-exist.  Creating a balanced life comes from within me.  I have to make time for things I have to do, as well as all the things I want to do.

 

I cannot win them all but I have to create harmony between responsibilities and finding fulfillment.  I have to establish the importance of values and how these values fit towards the finishing line.  Doing so, I empower my personal health and well being.

 

It is good to acknowledge and accept that I have limitations.  I am not superman even if my mind thinks I can fly.  Winning is recognizing on the ability to adapt myself to the world.  It comes from determination, a beautiful inner strength.  Failure or a lost, on the other hand, is a test at how best I can learn the lessons.

 

Life teaches me that sometimes I win and sometimes I learn.  I should not worry too much about winning in every endeavours.  Winning is not everything.  To win at all costs will not make me to better myself.  It is hard to improve, or give me the realization, when I win all the time.

 

The journey in life is to learn.  Life is not all about winning but it is about keeping the right attitude.  When I do things from my soul, I shall feel like a river moving in me.  When I do my best, that by itself is a win.

 

 

[IkuTube]

To Live Peacefully Forward

 

Life moves forward and not backward.  When another new day comes, yesterday has left me completely.  I cannot rewind nor can I edit all the past actions.  My acts acted and words spoken spoken.  There is nothing else I can change.  Such, it is important that I am conscious with what I am doing, with what I am saying.  

 

To regret is too late.  It has reflected badly on my conscience.  It shows I am not making good, not only for myself but with those I interact.  Worse, I am not giving life a chance to be beautiful.  I have to think how I want to live.  Against time, I have only one chance at doing things right.  

 

Time has to be my friend.  As I am older each day, all that is important is to have more good days.  Should I have cried harder before, I want to laugh louder next.  I yearn to be surrounded by good loving things.  I want to live a peaceful life, be happy and let whatever days left be spent with meaning.  It is wise to stay good and be respectful towards anything and everything.

 

Let me live forward guided with what is good.  Let there be love and only love.  Let there be no more drama but a journey of respect and understanding.  Let all my actions be done with kindness.  Let my mouth no longer utter cruel words.  Let me leave the past with repentance and a deep heartfelt 'I am sorry and please forgive me'.  

 

Life can be simple and beautiful.  I have to focus on the good things.  I have to give myself something good to live for.  A good life is one inspired by love and guided by wisdom.  The two things I am in control are my attitude and my effort.  I have to change my old thoughts for my world to change.  Life is from the inside out.  When I shift on the inside, life shifts on the outside.

 

 

[IkuTube]

In Fairness

 

Whatever emotions I am experiencing are a payback.  They are the invested results from my thoughts, my actions and from what I deeply feel inside.  These emotional paybacks are reminding me that I should watch my thoughts, observe my actions and words and be aware of my feelings.  They are teaching me what I give out will come back to me, eventually.

 

The feelings of anger, hurt, sadness and all other negative emotions I feel within me are the sum total of my own doing.  The more I am complaining, criticizing and hurting others, the greater the pain I shall feel.  Pain begets pain.  What I throw out bounces back.  Should I want to stop hurting myself, I must get rid of my negative attitudes and becoming loving instead.

 

Should I want my life to be filled with love, I have to be the source of love.  Love knows that nothing is ever needed but more love.  It is what I do with my heart that affects my environment.  Every little things in life count.  Even the smallest of things creates waves.

 

Everything I do has effects.  I need to learn my actions do affect other people as much they are affecting my well being.  I have to be careful on what I do and feel and say.  Life is not always just about me.  Respect brings about respect.  Life is fair but humans are not.

 

In fairness, I should not blame others for my personal choices.  I must be responsible as I am the one who must live out the consequences of my choices.  I must learn to face the fact that I choose to do what I do.  When my vibration is a match to my desire, all things in my experience will gravitate to match my actions, feelings, words and thoughts.

 

 

[IkuTube]

One Way Street

 

All that I am doing, day in day out, is walking on a one way street.  There might be twists and turns, or a round about, and the ultimate is to reach the end, the final destination.  The street where I completed the earthly journey and to meet with the inevitable - Death.  There is no other end option available.

 

That is what life is.  I should not fear the end but to enjoy the journey.  I should not put all my focus on it as it will happen somehow.  Instead, I have to keep walking and finding meaningful experiences to enrich my purpose with each and every step.  Along the way, I should stop and enjoy the smell of the roses and be one with nature.

 

Life continues no matter what is.  But, the way I think matters.  I cannot and should not burden it with negativity.  I should let my thoughts be a happy one.  Any problems I encounter are not stop signs but they are guidelines.  Any successes I accomplished are not permanent too.

 

As I keep walking, I should not overlook at life's small joys.  It is these small joys that make perfect sense, that they happen for good reasons.  There is neither happiness nor unhappiness walking on this one way street.  Whatever I experience is to make me to realize who I am, what I can rise from and how I can still come out of it.

 

Every single day is a good day no matter how bright or dark it is.  Every single day brings an opportunity to start a positive beginning.  I have to keep going, press forward and do not quit.  Failure is a bend in the road and not the end of the road.  I have to be happy.  I have to believe in myself and all that I am.  

 

 

[IkuTube]

Soul To Soul

 

Souls connection is always special.  It can be beautiful when a soul talks to another.  It is a communication where it does not involve the ego but with the higher self.  It is using the inner voice to reach out to the inner voice of another being.

 

Soul to soul communication is magical where it assists communication when words seem to fail.  At a soul level, there is no anger, no fear, no resentment but only love and understanding.  It is the connection at the highest, the purest.

 

There is no judgement but acceptance, tolerant, comprehension and appreciation.  In fact, such negativity does not even prevail at the highest state of souls connection.  There is only deep and complete respect for being the divine lights on earth.

 

Respecting another soul is important.  There has to be huge amount of respect for soul to soul communication to be effective.  Respect is the key for a deeper connection to take place.  With respect, there comes the union of the unconditional love.

 

When I can align with my soul to reach out to another, our souls speak a language that is beyond human understanding.  It makes the imperfect perfect.  It strengthens each other and it makes lives meaningful with all our purposes.  Soul connections is the key to understand all mysteries of Life.

 

 

[IkuTube]

No Free Lunch

 

My life is not free from errors and wrong doings.  The more I am judging others, criticizing their attitudes, their behaviours, their personality .. the more I need to correct myself.  The more I need to erase and delete all these data from accumulating inside me.  Else, I will be worst than them.

 

I have to raise my awareness when my mouth, my mind is saying all the bad things about others.  I have to be conscious it is not them but it is my soul trying to tell me it is me.  These individuals are just the mirror reflection of who I am.  They are acting out the negativity within me and the Universe wishes I will get to reflect on my shortcomings.

 

I should evaluate all the judgements I make.  I must think deep.  Energetically, much of them is an accurate judgement of the person I am.  Unfortunately, it is my ego that hides the truth and not allowing me to see.  My ego would very likely dismiss it too.  

 

The more I am able to see it, the more I am allowing my soul to be in charge.  I need to believe the realness in what I see in others.  They are to remind me of who I am, that I am no different.

 

Accepting my negativity will make my life better.  It is the way to accept there is work I need to do within me, deep within.  The work where I can fully realize the damages I have done, not only to myself but to others too.

 

 

[IkuTube]

There Is No Other Place

 

I can run, I can hide but I can never run and hide forever.  When I can accept that, I will accept the story of life.  I will never get to guess the exact date and time, but I will meet the end of the road one day.  Where my run runs out and there is no other place to hide.

 

So here I am with a choice.  What do I want to do today?  Why I need to do it?  Where shall I find the ways to make life meaningful?  How consciously do I want to live till I am at the finished line?

 

It is natural to wonder how best to live but do I know what constitutes a good or bad life?  I have to make sense with any of my preferred ways.  I should not simply follow the crowd and I should not complicate my choices.  Life is easy and I must not make it difficult. 

 

How should I live and how I do live are not necessarily the same.  A good life is a condition in which the soul will be the most happy.  It is a state in which the soul shall live with total virtue.  The joy and happiness which I carry in my heart shall spread positivity to the ways I live.

 

Let me live to be the person I want to have in my life.  In the process of my existence, I seek to learn.  I seek to develop understanding and refining self beliefs and attitudes.  I want quality of experiences in all kinds of relationships.  I want to be happy, be kind and be useful with the light I am born with.  

 

At the end of my journey, I do not want to carry a heavy baggage.  When I move into another realm, I want to be with my soul who has learned most of, if not all, his purpose.  Into another world, I want the soul who has learned carrying nothing but just an empty luggage.

 

 

[shangrilo]

i didnt end my work day on a good note

some things i could have done, i didn’t

others which i shouldn’t have done, i freaking did 

 

for instance, i opened a beer can when my boss was addressing all of us

when i turned back, everyone was looking at me

there was some casual laughter, my boss pulled a face i couldnt quite know, i dont know if i pulled a face too but i knew i wanted to dig a hole for myself

 

anyway so i didnt think i could go home yet, just needed to head somewhere to clear my head

and sadly (maybe?) this place came to my mind

its a little sad.. but i honestly think that place could give me some solace lol

 

it actually didnt turn out too bad

perhaps because it rained, it was particularly empty and also cooling

i sorted out some work which i didnt manage to complete before scrambling out of office, just so i could have a peace of mind for the weekend

 

then i took some time to just stone and people watch

more and more people popped by, maybe they liked the weather

 

seemed like everyone has got their agenda, i didnt really have one

i didnt also go with the flow

hmm

is it really a blessing to feel everything so very deeply? 

 

anyway have a great weekend guys  

Edited December 10, 2021 by shangrilo

[IkuTube]

Be The Better Me

 

I need to spend time everyday to reflect on who I am.  It will do me good should I am able to have adjectives to describe about me.  It is good that I write them down.  I have to be honest with all the bad and the good.  And, I need to admit that my attitude, behaviour or character is not all roses.

 

I should not allow my ego to guide me when I am reflecting.  I have to be truthful to my soul.  I should not let my soul be lied just because I need to look good to others.  Or to make myself sound good with all the adjectives describing me.

 

Everyday, I have to go through the list.  As I go through it, I have to take the time to reflect.  I need to think why I gain that adjective, or lack of.  The more I go through it, the more I can become aware.  Repetition is the mother of learning and that is how my consciousness shall evolve.

 

This exercise will make me to find about myself.  About my sense of purpose.  When I discover who I really am, hopefully, I shall have the knowledge by what Aristotle says in his quote - 'Knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom'.

 

Finding about myself is not a self centered goal nor should it be a self indulgent exercise.  In order for me to be the better me, I have to know who I am.  My self identity, my true me.  When I know, it makes me to be a better friend, a better partner, a better son, the better person.

 

 

[Sh3rlock]

Finding my Dao… again

 

Six years ago I lost my way when at a relatively late stage in this life I acknowledged to myself that I am gay. 

 

I have spent the time since searching for my Dao everywhere, including in some lust filled dark corners, but it was only during the last 5 months that through the mists of distraction, the path ahead became faintly visible again.

 

The Gods must have conspired greatly to bring Rebel me to this point, but it was the possibility that I may be gifted with the opportunity for a significant friendship, amongst other things,  which made me realise the importance and urgency of finding my Dao again.

 

”I so do not wish my lust to destroy another wonderful intimate friendship.”

 

I now recognise, most other encounters with guys were primarily and primitively driven by the end goal of sex and the sometimes blissful volcanic eruptions which all are, as they tend to be on their own, fleeting moments of wonder.

 

Whereas sex is something that can be hunted and taken, I have now come to realise again that friendships, intimacy, love and companionship, are all gifts to be received. The potential resulting physical relationship is their crowning glory. These gifts are precious and need to be nurtured. 

 

Through the ages of time, from Gilgamesh and his Enkidu, Zeus and Ganymede, David and Jonathan, and all the others, the relationships may have been different, but the intimacy arising from two lives shared remain the golden thread. 

 

Despite the Judaic, Christian and other Religions poisoning the well of male relationships, it was Paul himself in his letter to the Romans who provide some perspective, when paraphrased, he writes Do not owe anyone anything, but to love each other, and you will be obeying all God’s rules - every single commandment…

 

Rediscovering my Dao reminded me about something I already wrote in June 2018 in this same thread. This made me understand that finding one’s Dao is not enough; one needs to understand and embrace it. Now that I have found my Dao, I must endeavour to define it fully and remain committed to it.

 

….And forever be grateful to the Gods, all of them, for not allowing me to remain lost. 

[IkuTube]

*Live The Life*

 

A life is precious and to live the life to its fullest is even more.  To lead a life with purpose should be my birth right.  It has to be the way I should live.  I should inspire myself to enjoy the little things in life, for one day I may look back and realize they are the big things.

 

I have to live and speak from the truth of the heart.  I must not live by the ego of the tongue.  I have to learn to critic on myself rather than to judge others freely.  I have to stop blaming others when things are not going my way.  Taking responsibility is a virtue - it is a gateway to divine opportunities and heavenly freedom.

 

For me to have success in life, I must love my life.  Every breath has its importance.  I must build the courage to live it.  I have to be what I do and not what I say I do.  Action speaks louder.  I must not be an empty vessel with the loudest noise.  I am born with a big canvas and I need to learn to paint it beautifully.  I must make every strokes count.

 

For me to be happier, I must keep growing, keep dreaming and to honour the language on the truth of the heart.  Importantly, I must stop questioning unnecessarily.  I should not analyze too much and to cast doubts at every little things.  I need to live to embrace the presence.  I should let it all go and see what stays.  When thinking stops, the burden is lightened and growth starts.

 

I live the full life when I live it.  When I taste the experience to the utmost, I am reaching out eagerly without fear for the coming of the newer and richer endeavours.  Wealth is accumulated when I have the ability to fully experience life.

 

All life is, is an experience.  I keep replaying each experience from the bank of my subconscious memories.  It is a recurring theme.  Until I learn to erase these memories that I shall be born again.  Until I become fully aware, in my highest consciousness, that life changes.

 

It is important that I forgive myself.  It is crucial that I feel grateful for what I have.  When I can bring love into my being through each experience I have, love emerges and it shall allow me and everything about me to taste freedom.

 

When there is love, nothing else matters and there is life.  When there is peace, I will make a difference in life.

 

 

[calvt]

River part 1 - From Church 

 

I attended this mega church via my uniform group in secondary school. So a church would support this group and the instructors took some of us to this church one day as part of the activities. I was introduced earlier to Christianity by an ex-neigbour via home sharings but never really could attend church due to my family being Buddhist/Taoist then. 

 

So this opportunity was great for me to get a chance of attending a real church and being able to learn the Bible and worship God with our 'Brothers n Sisters’. 

 

As I grew up in an abusive family environment, a kind and accepting environment was really comforting for me.

We joined the Church Youth group and got to know some nice teenagers.

 

And so I was allocated a Cell Group (CG) leader and would have Bible studies on Saturdays with the youth leader together with some other church friends.

 

It was really refreshing and my emotional, spiritual and social needs were fed. And I got to know this cute hunky church leader River (not his real name), who was one year older than me and studying in an Elite Boys school in the central area. 

 

Not only was River such a handsome guy, he was also so kind, so supportive of my bible studies and spiritual walk with God, He would often call or text me and even prayed with me when I faced some issues in my studies.

 

So I started to share with River about my family situation and he was so mad at the emotional, physical and mental abuses from my parents, that he wanted to report them to Police. 

 

I told him my heart is open enough to accept all these, since Christ had forgiven me already, I should be able to find the strength to forgive my parents for their transgressions, even if they did not change. 

 

Hence, he didn’t share about my background to the other church people and would always treat me with so much compassion, respect and kindness.

 

I felt so touched as I always think that I’m so inferior as compared to him.

 

I’m from a neighbourhood school, and so this was like my first interaction with a student from an Elite school. I would never in my life have a chance to know these people except maybe during Church.

 

River was a positive dose of energy that I needed, especially when I struggled with school work and he would offer to mentor me Maths!  But I was really afraid of asking him for help and since I have remedial lessons in school I thought that would be fine. That inferior complex in me grew even more. 

 

During those times, I’ve never really thought it’s okay to have a crush with another person of the same sex. Especially when we are in church and all. But I did managed to ask River one day, does God hate gays? 

 

He said that God hates the sin, loves the sinner. And I would asked him, what about himself? What if one day you meet another gay?

Would you reject him as your friend? 

 

He said it’s impossible because he’s not God to judge gay people, instead he will reach out with love always.

Always.

[Guest Guest]

1 hour ago, calvt said:

River part 1 - From Church 

 

I attended this mega church via my uniform group in secondary school. So a church would support this group and the instructors took some of us to this church one day as part of the activities. I was introduced earlier to Christianity by an ex-neigbour via home sharings but never really could attend church due to my family being Buddhist/Taoist then. 

 

So this opportunity was great for me to get a chance of attending a real church and being able to learn the Bible and worship God with our 'Brothers n Sisters’. 

 

As I grew up in an abusive family environment, a kind and accepting environment was really comforting for me.

We joined the Church Youth group and got to know some nice teenagers.

 

And so I was allocated a Cell Group (CG) leader and would have Bible studies on Saturdays with the youth leader together with some other church friends.

 

It was really refreshing and my emotional, spiritual and social needs were fed. And I got to know this cute hunky church leader River (not his real name), who was one year older than me and studying in an Elite Boys school in the central area. 

 

Not only was River such a handsome guy, he was also so kind, so supportive of my bible studies and spiritual walk with God, He would often call or text me and even prayed with me when I faced some issues in my studies.

 

So I started to share with River about my family situation and he was so mad at the emotional, physical and mental abuses from my parents, that he wanted to report them to Police. 

 

I told him my heart is open enough to accept all these, since Christ had forgiven me already, I should be able to find the strength to forgive my parents for their transgressions, even if they did not change. 

 

Hence, he didn’t share about my background to the other church people and would always treat me with so much compassion, respect and kindness.

 

I felt so touched as I always think that I’m so inferior as compared to him.

 

I’m from a neighbourhood school, and so this was like my first interaction with a student from an Elite school. I would never in my life have a chance to know these people except maybe during Church.

 

River was a positive dose of energy that I needed, especially when I struggled with school work and he would offer to mentor me Maths!  But I was really afraid of asking him for help and since I have remedial lessons in school I thought that would be fine. That inferior complex in me grew even more. 

 

During those times, I’ve never really thought it’s okay to have a crush with another person of the same sex. Especially when we are in church and all. But I did managed to ask River one day, does God hate gays? 

 

He said that God hates the sin, loves the sinner. And I would asked him, what about himself? What if one day you meet another gay?

Would you reject him as your friend? 

 

He said it’s impossible because he’s not God to judge gay people, instead he will reach out with love always.

Always.

 

Very nice!

Reminds me a bit of my own growing up days - I was also drawn to Christianity largely due to my own abusive, dysfunctional family.

And especially having an abusive and emotionally-distant father made the idea of a loving Heavenly Father seem very appealing.

 

Fast forward many, many years later . . . I'm no longer Christian, but it will always remain a large part of my consciousness. 

It's funny because even now, I will have colleagues coming up to me to say that they assume I was Christian the first time they saw me. I guess I still give off that Christian vibe 😁

 

Anyway, looking forward to part 2!

[calvt]

10 hours ago, Guest Guest said:

 

Very nice!

Reminds me a bit of my own growing up days - I was also drawn to Christianity largely due to my own abusive, dysfunctional family.

And especially having an abusive and emotionally-distant father made the idea of a loving Heavenly Father seem very appealing.

 

Fast forward many, many years later . . . I'm no longer Christian, but it will always remain a large part of my consciousness. 

It's funny because even now, I will have colleagues coming up to me to say that they assume I was Christian the first time they saw me. I guess I still give off that Christian vibe 😁

 

Anyway, looking forward to part 2!

thank you so much. so kind of you! For so many of us, this was part of growing up and finding ourselves in this world. Part 2 is coming. I have a feeling River is reading this too. I met him couple years ago actually so that part will be written in later. i'm no longer attending any church now but i still have a little faith in the guy above.

[calvt]

River part 2. Tea and Sympathy

Church was beginning to be a major part of my secondary school life and it was really nice to have River as my mentor in Bible studies. At first, the Church youth leader had initially assigned another church lady who lived near me, as my mentor. Then River offered to take me under his mentorship. Since he lived in another suburb near to me, the leader gave in and agreed to his request.

 

We would meet in fast food restaurants near his place every Friday before our cell group meeting and we would have an early dinner too before heading to another church’s friend house for the cell meeting in the evening. 

 

River was a tea drinker, but he would always order me a order of Americano or Cappuccino before we start to go through the weekly bible classes. And during our tea and coffee sessions, he would share about the bible, the church and his passion for missionary work. It was a really nice distraction for me because here was someone who was so eager to share his faith and the Word with me. 

 

He often encouraged me to focus on my studies, so that I would do well and maybe can get a nice scholarship like him too. Sometimes, he prayed with me by placing his hands on my shoulder or even over the phone when I needed to hear a comforting voice. It’s nice to be touched by his hand. I felt warmth and love. It was really comforting.

 

One time, he even got some medication cream from the pharmacy for the scars that I had incurred from my abusive father’s caning. I felt so ashamed of my situation but he was ever so kind to even do that for me. I finally felt God’s kindness in him. I felt comforted that I was able to share my pain with him.

 

He also shared how much he wanted to do missionary work in the future and would even wanted me to join him to set up churches in African like Uganda in a few years time. In his mind, he wanted to train up a team of young church workers that he could fully trust in. I couldn’t even think that far ahead as I was really trying to get through my day without any dramas at home. 

 

That’s why each Friday afternoon was extra special for me. It would meant that I get to be part of another life that I can fully feel safe in. It would mean also I get to graduate from secondary school sooner and be able to work part-time and maybe just escape my home.

 

River was single during that time and although some church girls were very interested to date him, we have this rule in church which forbids dating. 

 

So these girls would hang out with River during his worship practice sessions in church. He played the piano and sometimes guitar in the youth worship team. He has such a beautiful soulful voice. You could see the girls eyes were like salivating and all.

 

Despite that, he made it a point to include me in the church social activities too. 

So kind and so sweet really.

Edited March 26, 2023 by calvt

[Guest Guest]

3 hours ago, calvt said:

River part 2. Tea and Sympathy

Church was beginning to be a major part of my secondary school life and it was really nice to have River as my mentor in Bible studies. At first, the Church youth leader had initially assigned another church lady who lived near me, as my mentor. Then River offered to take me under his mentorship. Since he lived in another suburb near to me, the leader gave in and agreed to his request.

 

We would meet in fast food restaurants near his place every Friday before our cell group meeting and we would have an early dinner too before heading to another church’s friend house for the cell meeting in the evening. 

 

River was a tea drinker, but he would always order me a order of Americano or Cappuccino before we start to go through the weekly bible classes. And during our tea and coffee sessions, he would share about the bible, the church and his passion for missionary work. It was a really nice distraction for me because here was someone who was so eager to share his faith and the Word with me. 

 

He often encouraged me to focus on my studies, so that I would do well and maybe can get a nice scholarship like him too. Sometimes, he prayed with me by placing his hands on my shoulder or even over the phone when I needed to hear a comforting voice. It’s nice to be touched by his hand. I felt warmth and love. It was really comforting.

 

One time, he even got some medication cream from the pharmacy for the scars that I had incurred from my abusive father’s caning. I felt so ashamed of my situation but he was ever so kind to even do that for me. I finally felt God’s kindness in him. I felt comforted that I was able to share my pain with him.

 

He also shared how much he wanted to do missionary work in the future and would even wanted me to join him to set up churches in African like Uganda in a few years time. In his mind, he wanted to train up a team of young church workers that he could fully trust in. I couldn’t even think that far ahead as I was really trying to get through my day without any dramas at home. 

 

That’s why each Friday afternoon was extra special for me. It would meant that I get to be part of another life that I can fully feel safe in. It would mean also I get to graduate from secondary school sooner and be able to work part-time and maybe just escape my home.

 

River was single during that time and although some church girls were very interested to date him, we have this rule in church which forbids dating. 

 

So these girls would hang out with River during his worship practice sessions in church. He played the piano and sometimes guitar in the youth worship team. He has such a beautiful soulful voice. You could see the girls eyes were like salivating and all.

 

Despite that, he made it a point to include me in the church social activities too. 

So kind and so sweet really.

 

Wow! Such a nice guy!

You're very lucky/blessed to have met him!

I never had any such close Christian guy friend, despite my years of attending church during my youth and young adulthood.

Thanks for the sharing!

Waiting for part 3!

[Guest Guest]

16 hours ago, calvt said:

I have a feeling River is reading this too. I met him couple years ago actually so that part will be written in later. . .

 

Btw, you mentioned that River could be reading your story too.

Did he eventually reveal to you that he likes guys? 🤔😁

 

You know, sometimes, it's those very devout and pious, straight-acting Christians who are actually trying their best to suppress their gay feelings.

Anyway, you don't need to answer me now; I'll find it when your story mentions what happened when you met him a few years ago. 😏

[calvt]

River part 3 - Goodnight, Good Morning!

 

River started to invite me to one of his overnight sleepover parties at his house on Fridays after the cell group meetings. It was actually an unofficial hangout of some of the youth church guys where they would play computer games and would have late supper roti prata etc. 

 

Sometimes they would have night cycling outings at the Yishun Dam with their bikes and all. Other times its just hanging out at River’s house. Most of them were other regular church boys who were very actively involved in church, just like their parents were too. 

 

Of course this group was made up of elite guys from other elite schools. It was a totally different world from me. But they were very civil and nice to me. They were not the kind of snobbish guys that many would expect.

 

I never have the luxury to afford computer games so I have never played computer games before and would often just watch them play the games or watch other Hollywood films etc in River’s room. I could see that they were very generous to teach me those games but I was just contented to watch them play the games. 

 

River was certainly from a different world than me. His house was a 3-storey bungalow in a quiet housing estate. Their family had 3 cars and a friendly maid. His parents were successful business professionals and his brother was a successful working professional too. He definitely came from money.

 

Yet, his parents were all so humble and nice to me, always trying to find out if my parents were well or etc or if I wanted any special food made etc. I had a hunch that River did reveal something to them about my home situation, but they never made me feel less special. Always so kind and friendly. Something I’ve never really experienced in my life at home. 

 

That night, the rest of the church guys were playing their football computer game on the TV console while I was just watching them. Soon enough, I fell asleep on the sofa. I woke up after a quick nap and found that I was already on River’s king size bed! And he was just laying sideways next to me with his back facing me, watching the other guys gaming on the other side of his studio sized bedroom.

 

Then he realised that I had woken up and turn to asked me if they had been noisy. He giggled and told me that he had carried me to the bed earlier while I fell asleep on the sofa. I could not believed that he would actually do that.

So kind and gentleman! I quickly apologised to him and he assured me it was fine and proceeded to ask if I wanted to join him to get some supper nearby? 

 

We walked to the nearby prata shop to buy supper for the rest of the boys. Along the way, River asked if I was a deep sleeper. Because I did not move or even noticed that I was being carried by him. He kept teasing me about it. I giggled and he just pat my hair and laughed along too. I was so shy. This was my first time having sleepover at any friend’s house!

 

I was so embarrassed too! But deep inside, I was so excited that he did it. River was really such handsome guy. After all, he is tall, about 1.9m and was quite gym-built as he has his own gym at home. I joked to him that maybe he could do some weight training by carrying me. 

 

He laughed again and patted my head said, ‘Maybe hor, you’re not that light too! Maybe you should join me in my gym session at home! I can train you up!’

 

I could not say yes to him at that moment but I just smile and treated that comment as him making conversation. But I kept questioning myself like who am I to even try to be his friend?

 

Then silence and he asked me again why I did not noticed him carrying me earlier. I guessed he really wanted to know the answer. I could not change this topic!

 

‘Maybe I was so comfortable in your room. It gives me a very nice… safe feeling. The environment is homely and so comfortable’ I replied to him, almost regretting that I said that.

 

‘Then you are very much welcome to join us after Friday cell meetings? It’s not often…but we usually have it when most of us just want to..you know let loose and play some CS. I will let you know when we have another one again ok?’ he smiled again before paying for the supper. I nodded and proceed to help him carry some of the drinks for supper. 

 

The boys played their games until about 1am, and only two of them wanted to stay over. They decided to sleep on a mattress on the floor whereas River had already insisted that I would sleep beside him.

 

It felt so weird really. To have another warm body laying beside me. I had never shared a bed with another person. I changed into River’s PJs and jumped into his bed. River continued to chat with me about school, about church and etc until we both fell asleep. 

 

I woke up around 9am the next day when I found that I was kind of hugging and spooning River. My dick was pressing hard onto his firm butt  and he was holding my hand lightly!

 

The other two church guys were already downstairs in the kitchen having breakfast, probably waiting for us to wake up.

I quickly sat up and apologised to River as he turned around to face me, just smiled back and said ‘Good Morning’ to me. He then said that he did not mind it because it is normal thing to have morning erection. And the AC was blasting so cold, so it was normal to hug him for warm.

 

He then grabbed my dick jokingly and put my hand on his hard dick and said that he was hard too. That was the most physical I had ever been with River! I had a nice feel of his dick and it was indeed hard warm and quite sizable. I wanted to tease him and ask how big was his dick but I was too shy to ask him further. I quickly withdrew my hand from him and giggled to him that I was warmed up already.

 

‘Don’t worry. We are guys after all? Its normal to have erection! It’s part of us being guys right? Hey I do like your butt massage ok!’ River so cheekily replied. 

 

That was when I realised that he must have felt my hard-on pressing on his ass!

 

We quickly prepared to wash up and join the other guys for breakfast. And after that day, whenever we have games nights, he would always be so generous and nice to invite me to share his bed with him.

 

And he would be so touchy like putting his hands on my shoulder when we speak in church. 

But the dick touching only happened once that morning.

I was so shy and did not want to destroy our friendship any further. 

[Guest Guest]

1 hour ago, calvt said:

River part 3 - Goodnight, Good Morning!

 

River started to invite me to one of his overnight sleepover parties at his house on Fridays after the cell group meetings. It was actually an unofficial hangout of some of the youth church guys where they would play computer games and would have late supper roti prata etc. 

 

Sometimes they would have night cycling outings at the Yishun Dam with their bikes and all. Other times its just hanging out at River’s house. Most of them were other regular church boys who were very actively involved in church, just like their parents were too. 

 

Of course this group was made up of elite guys from other elite schools. It was a totally different world from me. But they were very civil and nice to me. They were not the kind of snobbish guys that many would expect.

 

I never have the luxury to afford computer games so I have never played computer games before and would often just watch them play the games or watch other Hollywood films etc in River’s room. I could see that they were very generous to teach me those games but I was just contented to watch them play the games. 

 

River was certainly from a different world than me. His house was a 3-storey bungalow in a quiet housing estate. Their family had 3 cars and a friendly maid. His parents were successful business professionals and his brother was a successful working professional too. He definitely came from money.

 

Yet, his parents were all so humble and nice to me, always trying to find out if my parents were well or etc or if I wanted any special food made etc. I had a hunch that River did reveal something to them about my home situation, but they never made me feel less special. Always so kind and friendly. Something I’ve never really experienced in my life at home. 

 

That night, the rest of the church guys were playing their football computer game on the TV console while I was just watching them. Soon enough, I fell asleep on the sofa. I woke up after a quick nap and found that I was already on River’s king size bed! And he was just laying sideways next to me with his back facing me, watching the other guys gaming on the other side of his studio sized bedroom.

 

Then he realised that I had woken up and turn to asked me if they had been noisy. He giggled and told me that he had carried me to the bed earlier while I fell asleep on the sofa. I could not believed that he would actually do that.

So kind and gentleman! I quickly apologised to him and he assured me it was fine and proceeded to ask if I wanted to join him to get some supper nearby? 

 

We walked to the nearby prata shop to buy supper for the rest of the boys. Along the way, River asked if I was a deep sleeper. Because I did not move or even noticed that I was being carried by him. He kept teasing me about it. I giggled and he just pat my hair and laughed along too. I was so shy. This was my first time having sleepover at any friend’s house!

 

I was so embarrassed too! But deep inside, I was so excited that he did it. River was really such handsome guy. After all, he is tall, about 1.9m and was quite gym-built as he has his own gym at home. I joked to him that maybe he could do some weight training by carrying me. 

 

He laughed again and patted my head said, ‘Maybe hor, you’re not that light too! Maybe you should join me in my gym session at home! I can train you up!’

 

I could not say yes to him at that moment but I just smile and treated that comment as him making conversation. But I kept questioning myself like who am I to even try to be his friend?

 

Then silence and he asked me again why I did not noticed him carrying me earlier. I guessed he really wanted to know the answer. I could not change this topic!

 

‘Maybe I was so comfortable in your room. It gives me a very nice… safe feeling. The environment is homely and so comfortable’ I replied to him, almost regretting that I said that.

 

‘Then you are very much welcome to join us after Friday cell meetings? It’s not often…but we usually have it when most of us just want to..you know let loose and play some CS. I will let you know when we have another one again ok?’ he smiled again before paying for the supper. I nodded and proceed to help him carry some of the drinks for supper. 

 

The boys played their games until about 1am, and only two of them wanted to stay over. They decided to sleep on a mattress on the floor whereas River had already insisted that I would sleep beside him.

 

It felt so weird really. To have another warm body laying beside me. I had never shared a bed with another person. I changed into River’s PJs and jumped into his bed. River continued to chat with me about school, about church and etc until we both fell asleep. 

 

I woke up around 9am the next day when I found that I was kind of hugging and spooning River. My dick was pressing hard onto his firm butt  and he was holding my hand lightly!

 

The other two church guys were already downstairs in the kitchen having breakfast, probably waiting for us to wake up.

I quickly sat up and apologised to River as he turned around to face me, just smiled back and said ‘Good Morning’ to me. He then said that he did not mind it because it is normal thing to have morning erection. And the AC was blasting so cold, so it was normal to hug him for warm.

 

He then grabbed my dick jokingly and put my hand on his hard dick and said that he was hard too. That was the most physical I had ever been with River! I had a nice feel of his dick and it was indeed hard warm and quite sizable. I wanted to tease him and ask how big was his dick but I was too shy to ask him further. I quickly withdrew my hand from him and giggled to him that I was warmed up already.

 

‘Don’t worry. We are guys after all? Its normal to have erection! It’s part of us being guys right? Hey I do like your butt massage ok!’ River so cheekily replied. 

 

That was when I realised that he must have felt my hard-on pressing on his ass!

 

We quickly prepared to wash up and join the other guys for breakfast. And after that day, whenever we have games nights, he would always be so generous and nice to invite me to share his bed with him.

 

And he would be so touchy like putting his hands on my shoulder when we speak in church. 

But the dick touching only happened once that morning.

I was so shy and did not want to destroy our friendship any further. 

 

Walao! This River is very naughty!! 😈

And he sounds like he is a closeted gay or bi 🤔

Love the story; please keep it going!

[fitcubsg]

Sometimes you wonder if you are holding out for a hero in your life but then you realise that every relationship is difficult, the one and only one who swept me off my feet but he went away. The many men who come into my life only to be emotionally unavailable because i am the third party, twice bitten thrice shy. Then you wonder if there is something wrong with you or you were a whore in your past life lol. Turning half a century in 2023, looking too young to date your age range, too old to be marketable then a hot daddy. Accepting that gay life is  ageism. I treat myself as an iphone 5, outdated, sticking to old nuances because I am generation and being amused by what is going on now.

Too jaded to date because you dont know if its worth it but still holding out for a hero as I digress haha.