Advice On Moving On?

[Guest Dalton]

Well, I need some advice but have no friends or family that I'm out to, to speak with so going to try here.

I have a stable job in a computing firm with good income, is taking on part-time studies in the medical field and have a 10 year+ dad-son relationship with my married boss. I'm the son and he's the dad. Some colleagues do wonder about us, but our age-gap makes it seem natural.

 

We stayed together, slept together and he tops me while on overseas postings, which used to be often until I started my studies sometime ago. Due to these postings, we have travelled quite a bit (and still do).

We don't really talk about sexuality but I've always known I'm gay. As for him, he has always made it very clear.

 

I'm third place after his family and job. I suspect he's bisexual since he likes straight pxxn. At one point over the past 10 years, I was going to move in with him (he has kids but no sons) but I think his wife suspects something then so I got a place for myself instead. These days, she's really nice to me and his family treats me like family (the special "Uncle") whenever I visit.

 

I have always accepted this as "what I have to settle for" because I think it's the closest I'll ever have to what I really want: kids, a loving family and a good job. A "normal" life like all my other straight friends. To me, that's just how it is, because Singaporean society does not allow this dream that I've always had. Also, because it feels "comfortable".

 

Then, recently, I lost a very close cousin. He was aged 20 when he passed away. He didn't get to experience life and just left. It got me thinking again, do I want to continue like this?

 

I'm not getting any younger and I know what's going on here will not last because it's a lie, a scam if you'll call it. If the truth gets out, many people will be hurt. And I really don't want to just settle for a "dad-son" relationship, I think I deserve a loving boyfriend and hopefully husband.

To chase my dream, I know I have to leave, to get out, maybe even move overseas. I have to break myself out

of the comfort zone that I have trapped myself in. Or do I really need to?

 

Please be kind in your views. Thanks in advance and yes, I know it's complicated.

[BudakFit]

Yes in reality go to for you dream. 

 

Those who bi or married choose wife kids definitely no matter what excuses they give...bi or married guys treat them like for fun sex...if you get the mutual or regular even better...do it whenever you guys free...

 

Pls don't linger around...time is money too. You still young...there even much better hotter attractive guys out there in the world! Go for it...you still can be friends with him...pls don't be 3rd party...useless...you are like a puppet lingering.....

 

Just be single again and explore your options...be in control of yourself...gain confidence and move forward. 

[adidas]

He supported you for over 10 years, and now that you have a stable job, you wanna leave him because suddenly your life is too short and you deserve someone better?

 

Please enlighten me. 

[Guest The Missus]

Better move on quickly before the misuus finds out and there'll be hell to pay.

[GachiMuchi]

细思极恐

if you are 28yo or below, it means that you were already his fuck boy at a very young age of 16 or younger, which means he had sex with underage. 

For your recount, it seems you were groomed at a very young age and eventually became his play thing. I can understand why you are thinking of shaking off the 'bond' or 'hold' he had on you.  I felt you are having Stockholm syndrome; where it is a psychological response which occurs when an abused victims bond with their abuser.

 

1. I feel it is your right to look for your own happiness.

2. you should break free of your bond / hold he have on you

3. As you grown to love the family, I don't think you want the family to crumble should your deeds with the husband/father come to light.

4. No matter how careful you can be, paper can never cover fire. It's not how but when will it explode. Cross enough mountain and you will eventually meet a tiger. 上得山多终遇虎。

5. you are the 3rd party. I am sure, he will disassociate with you when things goes the other way. So, you should have an exit plan for yourself.

6. you are having second thoughts which means you had grown: a) a conscience, b) mature, c) can think for yourself. d) want to live your own life.

7. It is not longer should you or should you not leave him, but it should be when and how to leave everything behind.

 

Since I did not see you mentioned about your own family or parents. I would have to presume that they have little or no weight in your current life, which is why you gravitate toward your boss's family. 

 

Yes, I do agree that it would be good to move to another country but there are lots more to consider before moving and why are you moving and are you willing to leave everything behind to start everything afresh? It might be good to take the opportunity to do a study stint oversea and prepare yourself for life in a foreign country before actually migrating over there permanently.

 

Hope an alternative view helps.

[Guest Ez like dat]

Just. Move. On. Lor

 

[doncoin]

You deserve better and be with a man who is not ashamed of himself, and more importantly you. 

[Guest TommyB]

Nothing wrong with daddy-son relationship if it works for both -- follow your dreams - he's only using you.

[cityhallguy]

For me I will move on and look for someone who is single. As for your relationship with this “daddy”, I will change the attitude and relationship to a non-sexual contact relationship. Then you need to let him know that you want to have a better life and have someone that really put you as a very important person before any others. So still can keep in touch but just no sexual contact lor. After all, he did help you a lot in your life and he also didn’t really treat you badly (physically abuse, verbally assault, etc..).

Outsiders often think that all married guy just wanna play around with young gay men for sex only because wives can’t give or sex with wives is bored. Yes, have to admit that is what they want but there are a few really want to establish a good friendship or bonding with young gay men. In my 20-30s, I played around like any 20-30s gays do and played with a few married guys too. These married guys aged between 40-60s, when I knew them. Yes, when we first met we had sex and then slowly we got to know each other, then progress to a very strong friendships. We shared our problems and help each other along the way. 
 

Give example : Married A 

We first met in a SG bar when I was late 20s and he was early 40s. We had sex during our first meeting, it was fun and surprised too. Fun was the sex part. Surprised was he’s the first person to ask me a question that no one in my life had ever asked me at that time. The question was “ What you want to be ?” Again to others may see nothing special but to me is a difficult question to answer as I didn’t know what I want to be at that point. It was later on I found the answer and did reply him after a few years and that is “I want to be a happy person”. Anyway, as we getting closer and closer, he was glad that he met me as I treat him as a normal person. He had been having tremendous stress life because he’s a high profile businessman, social and public had a high expectations and looking up on him. With me he can be himself and feel younger again. Likewise, I thanked him too, he provided me inspiration that I shared during my scholarship interview, which I successfully got it, he also motivated me to achieve my 1st class Hons in UK, brought me to overseas places that I never been, and always there to hear me out whenever my relationship didn’t work well. Sadly, he passed away last year due to Covid-19. Before he passed away, we chatted on WhatsApp about how’s Covid-19 at each other side and his new job. So then few months later, without any reasons, something asked me to search for his profile to check how he was doing for his new job and then I found his death news.

 

Also, before I go steady with my current Kiwi husband, I told him all my important/special married guys in my life that if they passed away or needed help, I will go pay tribute to them and/or lend a hand to them to return their kindness. Of course my kiwi husband is my No.1 person in my life. My kiwi husband accepted and I also shared with him all the details how I met them and how they helped me along my life. 
 

That’s all…. 😂 Paiseh suddenly wrote so much about my life experience. What I trying to say is move on but don’t forget to return his kindness or at least be thankful to your this “daddy” for what he had done for you so far (which I assume mainly were good except that you can’t be his No.1 person). 

[Guest Act now]

Dun need to think so much.

Just move on and get a guy that you deserve.

Yes live the life you deserve.

Your daddy will just continue fucking his wife or other guys/gals after you leave.

[yoyo74]

To move on start making more gay friends first. Explore many different kinds of gay personality and choose the one that suits you. Even if you have chosen one gay to settle on with you, continue to make more gay friends in case the next relationship fails. Life is a never ending trial and testing until your own death

[fitcubsg]

I think you should move on, although its hard to put it into motion. I think you should learn to love yourself and also put yourself as the most important person. Your daddy cannot have his cake and eat it. So as I would put it, he has the whole cake, the wife, the job, the career maybe and you. In this equation, you are on the loosing end, you have sacrificed a lot, your youth to be with him. Ultimately, you have to choose what is best for you and also to happily move on. Firstly, get a new job, things are getting better, so strike out on your own. Don't build dreams which will not come through, he wont leave his wife to be with you. To be gay in Singapore is a lonely road but you have to remain true to yourself. Strive for normality, fall for that guy that would put you on a pedastal, if he has enough baggage as titanic, move on. Its not worth it. You are more important. I see too many people who settle because is safe to settle. I wont settle for anything less then what I perceive is my value. Stand up for yourself.