Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Ever Have An Accident?
 

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions. 

"Ever have an accident?" 

"Nope, nary a one." 

"None? You've never had any accidents." 

"Nope. Ain't had one. Never." 

"Well, you said in this form you were bitten by a snake once. Wouldn't you consider that an accident?" 

"Heck, no. That dang varmint bit me on purpose."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Know Your Animals
 

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads, "Talking Dog for Sale." 

Intrigued, he walks in. "So what have you done with your life?" he asks the dog. 

"I've led a very full life," says the dog. "I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home." 

The guy is flabbergasted. He asks the dog's owner, "Why on earth would you want to get rid of an incredible dog like that?" 

The owner says, "Because he's a liar! He never did any of that!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Smartest Dog
 

Two dog owners were boasting about the intelligence of their pets. 

“The smartest dog I ever had,” said one, “was an amazing Afghan hound that could play cards. He was amazing at poker, he could beat anyone, even professionals. But I had to have him put down.” 

“You had him put to sleep?” said the other. “You must be crazy. A bright dog like that could be worth a million dollars.” 

“I had no choice. I caught him using marked cards.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Electoral Ink
 

At an election booth, a woman was applying electoral ink to her forefinger. 

She asked, "How long will this last?" 

The officer replied, "60 days!" 

The woman asks, "Could you please colour my hair as well?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Open Up
 

A man goes to the doctor with a flatulence problem. The doctor asks "How often?" and the man replies 10 to 15 times an hour. 

The doctor goes to his back office and returns with a pole with an iron hook. The man screams, "What are going to do with that Doc?" 

The doctor replies, "I'm going to open some windows."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Anything You Suggest

One day, a very attractive undergraduate visited the professor's office. The undergraduate pulled the chair closer to the professor, smiled at him shyly, bumped his knee "accidentally", etc. 

Finally, the undergraduate said, "Professor, I really need to pass your course. It is extremely important to me. It is so important that I'll do anything you suggest." 

The professor, somewhat taken aback by this attention, replied, "Anything?" 

To which the undergraduate cooed, "Yes, anything you say." 

After some brief reflection, the professor asked, "What are you doing tomorrow afternoon at 3:30?" 

The student lied, "Oh, nothing at all, sir. I can be free then." 

The professor then advised, "Excellent! Professor Palmer is holding a help session for his students. Why don't you attend that."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: That's Not A Foot

An extremely drunk man looking for a brothel stumbles into a podiatrist’s office instead and weaves over to the receptionist. Without looking up, she waves him over to the examination bed and says, “Stick it through that curtain.” 

Looking forward to something kinky, the drunk pull out his penis and sticks it through the crack in the curtain. 

“That’s not a foot!” screams the receptionist. 

“Hey lady, I didn’t know, you had a minimum!” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: We Eat It

A teacher in a kindergarten school was asking the little kids to tell her the uses of light. Bernard said, "We use it to see in the evening when the sun sets." 

Gerard said, "It is useful so that we can read in the evening." 

Luc said, "We need it for TV and radio etc." 

After all kids said what they thought, little timid Isabelle raised her hand. "Yes, Isabelle, what else we use the light for?" 

"We eat it," said Isabelle. 

"What do you mean, honey?" 

"I'm not really sure. But I heard my mother saying to my father last night, 'Switch the light off and put it in my mouth.'”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Heart to Heart Talk

A woman has a heart to heart talk with her sister. “Sis, I have two boyfriends and I’m very, very happy. One guy is kind, considerate, giving, and handsome.” 

“Then why do you need the second one?” 

“He’s straight.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Will This Help With My Sunburn?

Sam is on vacation. After the firs day his legs are painfully sunburned, so he goes to a doctor’s office. The doctor examines his legs and says. “Try this.” He hands him a Viagra tablet. 

Sam says, “What will this do to help my sunburn?” 

The doctor replies, “Nothing, but it’ll keep the sheets off of your legs for a night.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Cut Out Wednesday

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests show nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. 

"Every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday," she says. The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. 

"I can’t," says the woman. "That’s the only night I’m home with my husband."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Talcum Powder in the Underwear

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it will take a few inches off of your butt!" 

His wife was not amused and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?" he said to himself, as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?" 

She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder, it's Miracle Grow!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Only Male Bear

A magical frog is walking through the forest. He comes upon a bear and a rabbit. He says, "Since you are the first creatures I have seen, I will grant you each three wishes." 

The bear goes first and says, "I wish I was the only male bear in the whole forest." 

The rabbit says, "I wish for a helmet." Poof they got their wish. For the bear’s second wish, "I wish I was the only male bear in the whole country." 

The rabbit says, "I wish for a motorcycle." Poof they got their wish. For the bear's last wish, "I wish I was the only male bear in the WHOLE world." 

The rabbit makes his last wish by saying, "I wish the bear was gay." Then he strapped on his helmet got on the motorcycle and rode away.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It's My Turn Tonight

Forty men attended a counselling session to exchange views on their sex patterns after marriage. After a short briefing, the counsellor asked how many of them have sex with their wives only once a week. Half of the men raised their hands. 

The counsellor then asked how many have sex with their wives only once every two weeks. Twelve of the remaining twenty men put up their hands, a little embarrassed. 

"I presume then the rest of you do have sex with your wives only once a month?" All, except for one of the remaining eight acknowledged. The counsellor turned his attention to this odd looking guy sitting at the corner of the class, giggling to himself. "Sir, I am sorry to ask, but why are you still smiling since you are not enjoying the same frequency as the rest?" 

To this the timid man said," Tonight is the night." 

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm Only After One Thing

A man parks his car at the supermarket and is walking past an empty cart when he hears a woman ask, “Excuse me, do you want that cart?" 

“No,” he answers, “I’m only after one thing.” 

As he gets closer to the store, he hears the woman murmur under her breath, “Typical male!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Anything In Your Hand?

"My goodness! What happened to you?" the bartender asked Kelly as he hobbled in on a crutch, one arm in a cast. "I got in a tiff with Riley." 

"Riley? He's just a wee fellow," the barkeep said, surprised. "He must have had something in his hand." 

"That he did," Kelly said. "A shovel it was." 

"Dear Heaven. Didn't you have anything in your hand?" 

"Aye, that I did -- Mrs. Riley's tit. And a beautiful thing it was, but not much use in a fight." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Do I Do With This?

The father of the family was ordered to follow a strict diet, which forced the whole family to change its eating habits: not red meat, no fancy foods, mostly fish and vegetables.

 

This was a new experience for Alex, the youngest boy. One evening the mother served fish and cauliflower for supper.

 

They all started gravely to eat, until the boy, chewing on his fish, found a bone. He pulled it out of his mouth and asked, “Mom, what do I do with this?” 

“Put it where you’re sure you won’t eat it,” said his mother. 

So the boy carefully stuck it into his cauliflower.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cavity Search Request

A Police officer asked a stupid criminal why he requested a body cavity search when he was arrested. 

The criminal replied, "Cause that way I can't be fingered in a line up!"

[worldangel]

Joke: This Is A Special Frog

A beautiful woman walks into an exotic pet store and asks about unusual pets. The young man working the counter reaches into a tank and pulls out a small frog. 

“This is a special frog,” he explains. “If you disrobe in front of it, it will perform oral sex.” The woman is thrilled. Three days later, the woman returns, and she is not happy. “This frog doesn’t do anything!” 

The young man looks baffled. “You must be doing something wrong.” 

“No, I’m not. I take off my clothes, and hold the frog near me, and he just stares.” 

“Well, let me see you try it.” Nervous, the woman complies and strips down. The frog just sits here, blinking. 

“Now,” the young man says to the frog while getting on his knees, “I’m only going to show you this, one more time….” 

[worldangel]

Joke: Car Dealership Screw Job

A patrolman was making his evening rounds in this small town. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. 

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it? 

“Heavens no, we bought it,” replied one lady. 

“Then why don’t you drive it away?” 

“We can’t drive.” 

“Then why did you buy it?” 

“We were told that if we bought a used car here, we’d get screwed… we’re just waiting.” 

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting Rid of the Girdle

One morning while his wife was making breakfast, a man walked up to her and gave her a healthy pinch on her butt. He said to her, “If you firmed up your butt, we could get rid of your girdle.” 

The wife was angry but said nothing. The next morning her husband pinched her breast and said, “If you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra.” 

The wife grabbed her husband by the crotch and replied, “And if you firmed this up we could get rid of the mailman, the gardener, the pool man, and your brother!”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Recurring Nightmare

"Doctor, you have to help me!" said the man lying down on the couch. "Every night I have the same horrible dream. I am lying in bed when all of a sudden five women rush in and start tearing of my clothes.” 

The psychiatrist nodded. “And what do you do?” 

“I push them away.” 

“I see. What do you want me to do?” 

The man implored, “Break my arms!” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Person Inside Me

A young woman was so excited to learn she was pregnant that she had to tell her friends right away. 

It was about midnight when she called the last one. "I can’t believe I have a person inside me!" she screeched. 

"So do I!" said the friend. "Can I call you back in an hour?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cold But No Shrinkage

Two old ladies are walking through a museum and get separated. When they run into each other later the first old lady says, "Did you see that statue of the naked man back there?" 

The second lady replies, "Yes! I was absolutely shocked! How can they display such a thing. My gosh, the penis on it was so large." 

And the first old lady blurts out, "AND COLD TOO!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Between the Ages

Between the ages of 18 and 32… Tri-weekly. 

Between the ages of 32 and 50...Try, weekly. 

Anything Over 50...Try, weakly.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It Shakes So Bad

There are two old guys sitting in a retirement home talking about there indignity of growing old. 

The first old man said, "My hands shake so bad that this morning when I was shaving, I cut myself in four places!" 

The second old man said, "That’s nothing, this morning when I was taking a piss, I came three times!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Lousy Lover

The morning after their honeymoon night, the wife says to her husband, “You know, you are a lousy lover!” 

The husband replies, “How would you know after only thirty seconds?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Nor Gold, Nor Platinum

A science teacher asks a student, "Mike if you could have any element of the element table what would it be?" 

Mike said, "Gold, because gold is worth a lot and I could have a Ferrari in my drive way every day." 

The teacher asked another student, "Johnny, what element would you choose?" 

Johnny said, "Patinum, because platinum is more expensive than gold and I could have a Viper in my drive way every day." 

The teacher asked another student, "George what element would you pick?" 

George said silicone. “Silicone?” the amazed teacher asked. 

George said, "Because my mom got some silicone and now she has a ferrari and a viper in her drive way." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Peanut Butter & Jelly Again!

At a construction site one day at lunchtime, three men were all sitting down to eat their lunches. The first man opens up his lunch pail to find a PB&J sandwich. "PB&J AGAIN! I swear, if I have to eat this one more time I'm going to jump off this DAMN building!" 

The second guy opens up his lunch box to find a tuna sandwich. " TUNA AGAIN! If I have to eat another one of these stinking things again I’m going to jump off with you!" 

The third guy looks inside his box and sees a bologna sandwich and screams, "HELL, bologna again, well, if I get this again, I'll jump off this building with ya!" 

Well, the next day all three guys find the same types of sandwiches in their containers so they all leave notes as to why they jumped and then jump off. At the funerals the new widows are all sitting together. The first man's wife cries, "If only he had told me, I would have fixed something else." 

The second mans wife says "It wouldn't have been a problem...I thought he liked tuna." 

But the third guys wife sat their dumbfounded and said " well I just...just...don't understand! He made his own lunch!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Too Much Talking
 

While visiting a country school, the chairman of the Board Of Education became provoked at the noise the unruly students were making in the next room. 

Angrily, he opened the door and grabbed one of the taller boys who seemed to be doing most of the talking. He dragged the boy to the next room and stood him in the corner. 

A few minutes later, a small boy stuck his head in the room and pleaded, “Please, sir, may we have our teacher back?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Advice For The Asking
 

A young man is reported to have approached the renowned composer Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart (one of the great musical prodigies of all time), and asked, "Herr Mozart, I have the ambition to write symphonies and perhaps you can advise me how to get started." 

Mozart said, "The best advice I can give you is to wait until you are older and more experienced, and try your hand at less ambitious pieces to begin with." 

The young man looked astonished. "But, Herr Mozart, you yourself wrote symphonies when you were considerably younger than I." 

"Ah," said Mozart, "but I did so without asking advice." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Winning Name
 

A man was determined to win the state lotto. He bought lotto tickets every week for years with no results. Then, one day in a flash of inspiration he realized that he would have to change his name in order to win the lotto. The next day he when to the courthouse and officially changed his name to 'Somebody'. 

Out of curiosity the clerk who was doing the paperwork asked why he had chosen 'Somebody' as his new name. 

"Well," he replied, "I wasn't having any luck with my old name, but everyone knows that eventually, Somebody always wins the lotto!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Grad School Romance

Dave took Mary out for a romantic dinner where the conversation turned to the subject of marriage. Dave had been saving for an engagement ring, but he was in graduate school and in dire need of a new computer. 

Mary was understanding, telling Dave they had the rest of their lives to get engaged, so he should use his savings to buy a new computer instead. 

During dessert, Dave suddenly reached into his pocket and pulled out an engagement ring. Mary was stunned, but after she collected herself, she looked up and prompted, "Well, don't you have something to ask me?" 

Dave then got down on bended knee. 

"Honey," he said, "will you buy me a new computer?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Monument Ballroom

This guy buys some new underwear from a department store. He takes them home and tries them on, but to his dismay they don't fit properly, so off he goes back to the store. When it's his turn at the customer service window, the lady asks him why he's returning the underwear. 

The man replies by asking the saleslady, "Have you ever heard of the ballroom in the Monument?" 

The puzzled saleslady scratches her head and says, "What ballroom?" 

The man snaps, "Exactly!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Were You Caught Too?

A man had two parrots, and he was having difficulties figuring out which is a male and which is a female. One day coming back from work he saw that one of the parrots was on top of the other. He caught the one on top and shaved his head, giving him a baldhead, thinking, now he could identify which is the male or female. 

The following day a friend of the owner of the parrot, who was bald, came looking for the man. 

The parrot called out to him, "Hey mister!" 

When the man turned, the parrot said, "Were you caught fxcking too?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Going To Have A Baby 

Tim goes to his boss’s office and says, “Sir, I need tomorrow off. My wife is going to have a baby.” 

The boss gives him the day off. Two days later Tim walks into work, and the boss asks, “Was it a boy or a girl?” 

Tim says, “We won’t know for nine months.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Just As You Ordered
 

"Look at this mess!" roared an angry customer at a local cafe, pointing to his squashed doughnut. 

"It's just as you ordered it, sir," the waitress replied meekly. 

"What do you mean?" barked the customer. 

"You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut and step on it." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why Did You Get Married?

“You and your husband don’t seem to have and awful lot in common,” said the new tenant’s neighbour. “Why on earth did you get married?” 

“I suppose it was the old business of opposites attract,” was the reply. “He wasn’t pregnant and I was.”

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What's the Story?

A blond pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it's idling smoothly. 

She says, "What's the story?" 

He replies, "Just some crap in the carburrator." 

She asks," How often do I have to do that?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Just Looking

A young couple strolled out one evening and met a huge man who rained insults on the wife. The husband, afraid of the man, kept looking. 

"John!" shouted the wife. “Are you going to stand there just looking?” 

“No!" replied the husband. "I won't stand here, I’d rather cross to the other side of the road."

[worldangel]

Joke: Don't Hit Me in the Head

A man walks into a bar with an alligator. He yells to everyone in the bar, "Would anyone like to bet me that I can stick my penis in this alligator’s mouth, close his moth, and then take my penis out without a single scratch on it?" 

Everyone in the bar roll their eyes in a skeptical manner. The man then replies, "If I lose the bet, I'll buy anyone and their friend’s free drinks all night." 

With that remark everyone in the bar accepted his bet believing that this will be an easy way to get free drinks. The man pulls down his pants, sticks his penis in the alligator’s mouth, closes it, and then attempts to open the alligator’s mouth 20 seconds later. The alligator hesitated so he took a beer bottle and smashed it on the alligator’s head. The alligator opens his mouth and there is not a single scratch on the man's penis. 

Feeling very relieved, the man yells, "Is there any man here brave enough to attempt this?" 

Immediately another man stands up and replies, "I will... as long as you don't hit me in the head with a bottle!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Five Feet and it Reaches the Floor

Dennis is worried about the size of his penis, so he goes to see a doctor. The doctor says, “Here take these pills every day for a week.” 

Dennis is so frustrated that the first night he downs the whole bottle. A couple of days later, he and his wife go back to see the doctor. Dennis says, “Doc, take a look at this.” 

He takes off his pants and he’s got a five foot penis that reaches the floor. The doctor says, “Goodness I’m going to have to operate.” 

His wife says, “How long do you think my husband will be in crutches?” 

The doctor says, “On crutches?” 

She says, “You are going to lengthen his legs, right?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Too Many Characters

A dumb college blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said, "I have a complaint!" 

"Yes, ma'am?" 

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!" 

"What was wrong with it?" asked the librarian. 

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" 

The librarian nodded and said, "Ahh! You must be the person who took our phone book." 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Larry, the worker

Larry calls work and says, "Hey boss, no work for me today, I'm feeling sick. I got headache, stomach ache, and my legs hurt." 

The boss says, "You know Larry, I really need you today. When I feel like that, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That always makes everything better and then I can go to work. You try that." 

Two hours later Larry calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great! I'll be at work soon. By the way, you got a nice house.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Let's Try 68

A husband comes home and says to his wife, "We've tried 69 before, let’s try 68." 

The wife asks, "What’s that?" 

He says, "You do me tonight and then I'll owe you one."

[worldangel]

Joke: Would You Mind Talking to Me?

A guy walks up to a beautiful girl in a supermarket says, "Excuse me, but I seemed to have lost my girlfriend. Would you mind standing here and talking to me for a few minutes?" 

The girl replies, "I guess, but I don't see how that would help any?" 

The guy answers, "Well, you see, every time I meet a beautiful woman with boobs like yours, my girlfriend appears out of nowhere."

[worldangel]

Joke: That's Thoughtful

On their wedding night the husband was so self-conscious about the smallness of his penis, that before undressing, he snapped off the light. 

Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride. 

“That’s thoughtful, darling,” she cooed, “but we’ll need the light on if you want to write thank you notes.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A Beak Full of Sh*t

A strange bird the coo-coo, it sits upon the grass.

It's wings neatly folded, its beak is up its ass. 

In this strange position, it murmurs twit twit.

Cuz it’s hard to sing coo-coo, with a beak full of shit!

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What Part Did You Get? 

Two migrants arrive in the western country by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs." 

"Odd," the other one replies, "but if we shall live in Western Country, we might as well do as the other do." 

Nodding emphatically, the first migrant point to a hot-dog vendor and they both walk towards it. "Two dogs, please," says one of the migrants. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. 

Excited, the migrants hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs.’ One migrant unwraps the wrapper, stares at it for a moment, leans over to the other and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shit In Your Eye

Positive thinking is like this...

A little bird in the sky,

You look up, and Shit in your eyes…

You don't mind, you don't cry,

You just Thank Goodness, that COWS DON'T FLY!