Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: A farmer and his wife decided ...

A FARMER and his wife decided to hold a talent show for their animals in which each contestant would recite a passage from Shakespeare.

 

The prize would be a big marquee with a glitter ball inside. The pig performed a piece from Hamlet; the cow chose Richard III and the sheep picked MacBeth.

 

After much deliberation the farmer and his wife picked the best entry, announcing: "Cow is the winner of our disco tent."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Hypothetically Speaking

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality?"

The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000."

The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000?" The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!"

The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000."

The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000?" The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!"

He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'"

The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A schoolteacher's son brought ...

A schoolteacher's son brought his report card home.

 

The father said; let's see what you have accomplished.

 

He opens the report and to his dismay sees all bad grades.

 

What do you have to say about this Johnny?

 

Well dad at lease you know I'm not cheating.

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Rabbit

A man was driving down the highway, and he saw a rabbit hopping across the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, it was dead. The driver felt so awful, he began to cry.

A woman driving down the same road came along, saw the man crying on the side of the road, and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it."

The woman told the man not to worry; she knew what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the animal.

Miraculously the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans, and hopped down the road. Fifty yards away, the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved again, hopped down the road another fifty yards, waved and hopped another fifty yards.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can!! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

[worldangel]

 Joke: Politics

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. "

"Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government.

We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people."

"The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,"

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A married couple went to the hospital ...

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered. 

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. 

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

[worldangel]

 Joke: Holiday Feast

A woman walks into a tattoo parlor. She gets into the chair and tells the tattoo artist, "I want two tattoos, one on each of my inner thighs. I want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other."

The tattoo artist begins his work, but is a bit confused, so he says, "Lady, I'll do anything my customers want, but I gotta ask, why would you want a turkey on one thigh and a Christmas tree on the other?"

"Well, if you really want to know," she firmly answers, "I'm sick and tired of my husband telling me that there's never anything to eat between the holidays."

[worldangel]

 Joke: White hair

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.

 

She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head. 

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" 

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." 

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Make a guess

George was enjoying his drink at the bar, when an ugly woman takes a seat next to him. She had a squirrel sitting on her shoulder.
 

The woman says to George: "If you can guess what kind of animal I have on my shoulder, I am willing to sleep with you.
 

George says: "It must be a crocodile?" 

The woman says: "Close enough"

[worldangel]

 Joke: One morning a blind bunny was …..

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on his twitchy little nose.
'Oh please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way what kind of animal are you?'
'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny. 'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitch little nose. You must be a bunny rabbit.'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But, by the way, what kind of animal are you?'
The snake replied that he didn't know either, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you haven't any balls............You must be a politician!' 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: How You Made Money

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.
"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.
"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[worldangel]

Joke: A counselor was helping his kids

A counselor was helping his kids put their stuff away on their first morning in summer camp.

He was surprised to see one of the youngsters had an umbrella.

 

The counselor asked, "Why did you bring an umbrella to camp?"

The boy replied, "Apparently, you never had a mother."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Someone Really Stinks

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: No menus

A guy goes into a restaurant and asks for a menu, but the waiter tells him, "We don't have menus here. Our chef can make any dish you desire … in fact, if he can't, we'll give you one thousand dollars."

The man sees a chance to make some money so he thinks of something impossible. "Bring me an order of hummingbird tongues on rye toast," he tells the waiter, who returns fairly quickly with a plate. "One order of hummingbird tongues on rye toast. Will there be anything else?"

The man thinks for a second, then says, "I'd like a bowl of lo mein made with rutabaga-flavored noodles that were imported from Bolivia by Paul Newman, accompanied by a croissant with exactly 429 caraway seeds and served on aquamarine-colored bone china from the Yuan Dynasty." The waiter returns in a few minutes with a bowl. "One number eight. Will there be anything else?"

The man thinks another second, then says, "Yes … bring me an elephant ear sandwich." The waiter says disappears into the kitchen and returns with a thousand dollars in cash. "You did it, sir. You beat us." With a broad smile, the man pockets the money. "Didn't have any elephant ears back there, huh?" "Oh no," the waiter says. "We have plenty of elephant ears. We just ran out of the big rolls."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was walking along a California ...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.

 

This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

 

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

 

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

 

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive.

 

So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel ...

A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out.

 

When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."

"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."

"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."

[worldangel]

Joke: A doctor at an insane asylum decided ...

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well.

As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up nuts!" And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, "Down Nuts!" And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going well, he decides to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened.

The assistant replied, "Well, everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, PEANUTS!'"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Drunken date

A guy enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka. He drinks the first and dumps the second on his right hand.

He then orders a second round of shots, drinks the first and again dumps the second on his right hand.

The bartender sees this and becomes curious as the guy orders a third round and does the exact same thing.

So the bartender asks the guy, "Hey man, I hope you don't mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks?"

So the man says, "I have to get my date drunk."

[worldangel]

 Joke: At a dinner party, several of ...

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy. 

"No woman," said one man, scornfully, "can keep a secret." 

"I don't know about that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one." 

"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted. 

"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever." 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: An enterprising, but bashful sailor ...

An enterprising, but bashful sailor finds himself on shore leave in Korea for his first time. While the rest of the guys are out having a jolly good time in the red light district of Pusan, our hero just can't get up the nerve to ask the local girls how much it costs for a good time. 

He sits at his table for a moment watching the girls, and devises a get laid plan. 

One of the local girls approaches him and asks, "Wat is you name?" 

He replies, "Rick Venus" 

She says, "Lick Penus?" 

He says, "Sure how much?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Man Who Comes to Visit A man has to take a business trip overseas so he entrusts his best friend with the job of keeping an eye on his wife.  If anything out of the ordinary should occur, his friend was to notify him immediately. After about a week with no contact, the businessman received a telegram containing only one sentence...  “The man who comes to visit your wife every night didn’t show up yesterday.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Life of Riley A new inmate is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new inmate looks at the old-timer inquiringly.  The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France."  The new inmate asks, "What happened?"  "Well, one day Riley reported his credit cards missing."

 They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?" 

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with, "Your father is fishing in Michigan." 

The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years." 

"No," replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Lemon Picker The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.  “Look, Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”  “Well, as a matter of fact, yes!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

[worldangel]

 

 

Joke: The Laxative Cure

 

The pharmacist comes to in to the drugstore to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He approaches the clerk and asks, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?" 

The clerk says the man came in earlier to get something for his cough. And since she could not find the cough syrup, she gave him a bottle of laxative. 

The horrified pharmacist shouts, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!” 

The clerk calmly responds, “Of course you can. Look at him, he's afraid to cough.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: By Those Standards 

"Why do you have to buy such expensive brassieres?” the irate husband snapped nastily as he looked over the latest credit card statement. “You don’t have much to put in them.” 

“By those standards,” she replied, “you haven’t needed a new pair of underwear in years!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Without Touching Her Clothes

A man suggests a $1 bar bet to a well-endowed young lady that despite her dress being buttoned to the neck, he could touch her breast without touching her clothes. 

Since this didn’t seem remotely possible, she is intrigued and accepts the bet. He steps up, cups his hands around her breasts and squeezes firmly. With a baffled look, she says, “Hey, you touched my clothes!” 

And he replies, “Okay, here’s your dollar."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What's Your Disability?

"Sir, you are parking in a disabled only space, may I ask what is your disability?" said the policeman, observing a perfectly fit and healthy man parking his car. 

The man replied, "Tourettes. Now fxxk off."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: If Not for the Moustache

A man on a bus keeps staring at another male passenger. The passenger has had enough and asks the man why he is staring. 

The man says, "If it wasn't for the moustache, you would look just like my wife." 

"Sir, I don't have a moustache." 

"No, but my wife does."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: So Happy She Screamed

A man nursing the flu was forced to stay home. He was glad for the interlude because it taught him how much his wife loved him. 

She was so thrilled to have him around that when a deliveryman or the mailman arrived, she ran out and yelled, “My husband’s home! My husband’s home!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It Doesn't Work That Quick

After completing their shopping, these two friends were about to drive back home and one of them realized that she’d forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for birth-control pills. 

Rushing into the nearest drugstore, she handed the prescription to the pharmacist. “Can you fill this quickly?” she asked. “I’ve got someone waiting in the car.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Keep My Husband in Line The weeping bride poured her heart to the renowned marriage counselor. “Isn’t there some way, without turning into a nag, that I can keep my husband in line?”  The counselor frowned. “Young lady,” he said “your husband shouldn’t have to wait in line!”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Laxative Cure

The pharmacist comes to in to the drugstore to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. He approaches the clerk and asks, “What’s with that guy over there by the wall?" 

The clerk says the man came in earlier to get something for his cough. And since she could not find the cough syrup, she gave him a bottle of laxative. 

The horrified pharmacist shouts, “You idiot! You can’t treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!” 

The clerk calmly responds, “Of course you can. Look at him, he's afraid to cough.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Rhyme for Timbuktu

The inhabitants of Timbuktu usually ask tourists coming to visit their town to make a rhyme with "Timbuktu". One day a couple of tourists had arrived, an old man, dressed completely in black and a young man, dressed like a globetrotter. 

The two men were informed about their specific wish and then the Timbuktu people addressed the old man first. "Do you think you could do that?" 

He thought for a while, and then he began, "I was a priest for all my life, have no children, have no wife - I read the bible through and through, on my way to Timbuktu!" 

The Timbuktu people were enchanted. They turn to the young man, "Do you think you could do that too?" 

His answer was, "I will at least try. Here goes... When Tim and I to Melbourne went, we met three ladies in a tent. But they were three and we were two, so I took one and Tim booked two."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Nights In A Row

 

A man wanted a hundred dollar bill tattooed to his penis. So, he goes to a Tattoo Shop and makes the request. The Tattoo designer tells him that it would cost him $1000.00 to do the special bizarre request.

 

The guy thinks for a while and decides that its a fair price. The designer starts the tattoo. In the middle of the job, he asks the man, "Why are you doing this?"

The man replies, "That's personal."

 

With that, the designer continues to do the tattoo. The designer is still intrigued by such a bizarre request, so he tells the customer, "I'll waive the $1000.00 if you tell me why you are doing this?"

 

The man thinks again and replies, "Okay, that's reasonable. Here goes. There are three reasons. First, I like to play with money. Second, I like to watch money grow. Third, and the most important, if my wife wants to blow a hundred, well, she can do it right at home."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Checking the Rear

The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act. The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." 

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. 

He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?" 

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?" 

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted." 

"Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."

[worldangel]

Joke: Eat, Sleep, and Have Sex

Two lifetime mates agreed to try and contact each other after one had died. This happened and after as couple of weeks contact was made. 

"What is it like?" asked the earthly one. 

“Terrific! I eat, have sex, and sleep all day, every day." 

"Gee, is that what heaven is like?" 

"Oh I'm not in heaven... I came back as a rabbit in Australia."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Just A Little Bit

In Rio on a business trip, Sam found himself hampered, after working hours, by the fact that he did not know the language.

 

He was at once delighted and dismayed, therefore, when a surpassingly beautiful young Brazilian woman with a plunging neckline sat down at his restaurant table. 

"Do you speak English?” 

“Si,” she said with a bright white smile, “bot jus’ a leetle beet.” 

“Just a little bit, eh?” Sam repeated joshing. “How much?” 

“Ninety-five dollars,” was the prompt reply

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It Was Grandma's Idea A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" he exclaimed.  The old man looked off in the distance and did not answer him. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asked again.  The old man slowly looked at him and said, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck... so this was your Grandma's idea."

[worldangel]

Joke: We Both Tried 

An elderly man went to the doctor and wanted a sperm check. The doctor said it wouldn't be necessary but the man demanded. So the doctor gave the man a jar and told him to come back the next day. The next day the old man came back, the jar empty. 

"What happened?" the doctor asked. 

"Well," the old man said, "I tried with my left hand, I tried with my right hand, my wife tried with her left hand, she tried with her right hand, and she tried with her teeth in and her teeth out. No matter how hard we tried, we just couldn't get the lid off the jar."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Peanuts In the Pond   Three men stood before a judge on a charge of drunk and disorderly conduct in a public park.  Judge: What were you doing? 1st man: Oh, just throwing peanuts in the pond.  Judge: And what were you doing? 2nd man: I was throwing peanuts in the pond, too.  Judge: Sounds harmless. And you, were you throwing peanuts in the pond as well? 3rd man: No, sir. I AM Peanuts!

[worldangel]

Joke: Don't Be A Penis

Five reasons not to be a penis: 

1) Your head is bald forever.

2) You live between two nuts. 

3) An asshole lives behind you. 

4) Your best mate’s a cunt.

5) When you get excited, you get sick and then faint.

 

[worldangel]

Sex Joke: The Postman 

Three women are talking about their sex lives. One says, “I call my husband ‘The dentist’ because nobody can drill like he does.” 

The next says, “Well, I call my husband ‘The Miner’ because he has an incredible shaft.” 

The third sighs and says, “I call mine ‘The Postman’." 

“Why the ‘Postman’?" asks one of them. 

“Because he always delivers late and half the time it’s in the wrong box!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy comes into a bar and asks...

A guy comes into a bar and asks the barman for twelve-year-old scotch. The barman thinks "This guy is pretty pretentious" and proceeds to pour him a drink of six-year-old scotch.

He gives it to the customer who takes a drink, exclaiming, "This isn't twelve-year-old scotch, this is six-year-old scotch"

The barman thinks, hey this guy knows what he's talking about, and the two of them get into a conversation about where the customer is from etc..

At one point an old guy, who was sitting at the other end of the bar comes over with a glass and hands it to the customer. The latter takes a drink, and spits it out.

"This is piss!" he yells.

The old guy nods and says, "Yeah, but how old am I?"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Two boy scouts went on a nature ...

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts. 

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me." 

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town. 

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!" 

"What's the matter?" his father asked. 

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!" 

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong. 

"Do you hear that?" he whispered. 

Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..." 

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!" 

The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: 50/50

A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, but his wife just sat watching him.

The young man felt sorry for them and asked "I'm sorry to intrude, but would you allow me to purchase another meal for your wife so that you don't have to split your food?"

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no, thank you. But you see, we've been married a long time, and everything has always been shared, 50/50."

The young man said, "Wow! That's commendable." He then turned to the wife and asked, "Aren't you going to eat your share?"

The wife replied "Not yet. It's his turn to use the teeth."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: There were two guys working for the city ….

 

There were two guys working for the city. One would dig a hole -- he would dig, dig, dig.

The other would come behind him and fill the hole -- fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously; one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't understand what they were doing. Finally he had to ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Bad Math...

Rick, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him,

"What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied.

After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man walking his three legged...

A man walking his three legged dog near Wembley finds a lamp, He rub it and out pops a genie. The genie says "I'll grant you one wish."

"Can you make my dog win Crufts" says the man.

"What with only three legs? Wish again" says the genie

"Okay." Says the bloke,"Can you arrange for England to win the World Cup?"

The genie ponders before telling him: "Lets have a look at that dog again."

[worldangel]

Joke: Eyes of the Beholder

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was due to be hanged for murder at midnight. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. 

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been?' 'Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on. 
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he went and poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. 

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. 
The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. 
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. 

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. 
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said. To which he whirled around and screamed, FOR THE LOVE OF HEAVEN, WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP? 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Puddle jumper

My mother was recently on a flight returning from Utah. As the plane was a small puddle jumper, the flight attendants were required to demonstrate the life vest, the oxygen mask, etc. instead of turning on a video.

After they finished their presentation, one of them said “To those of you who listened, thank you. To those of you who ignored us, good luck.”