Heart Of A Men

[maledae]

Have anyone like a men so much, you tried all means to win his heart and love for you. But after a while didn't get much return from him, he just treat you so so only, like a casual friends. I am so tired of chasing a guy I like and got no return. I long for a hug or date with him. He seems not so interested. He is so damn good looking that I never can forget or give up on him.

I heard if you treat someone very nice, slowly he might win his trust and friendship and start to fall for you. ANy successful stories or great disappointment.

Thanks

[Guest jericho]

This is purely based on my personal experience.

I think dat people are less attracted to guys who are always nice to them, but they are more attracted to guys who are nice.

There is a difference between being nice to get a guy to like you and, being nice to get a guy to be attracted to you.

When you are always nice, always there for him, always giving him attention - you can be assured he will like you, but for him to want you, to be attracted to you, it has to first be about you - not about how you treat him.

You must have a strong sense of identity, independence, a level of self assurance. And to some extent, even a sense of mystery about yrself. You must be comfortable with your own skin. Relaxed, friendly, funny etc.

And at a party or gathering, after some hours of chatting, having fun and you know that you have gotten his attention/interest, then you leave. He will be left wanting more and will be lookign forward to the next time he sees you. Either that or he will somehow try to get hold of your number.

If its someone new you meet at a party, and you guys hit it off. Its always good to play a stoopid game eg bet on whatever..the point is whoever loses will have to buy the other a bottle of wine etc...this creates an opportunity to meet again without u having to go through the uncomfortable situation of asking the person for a date.

In short, the above will only work if he likes the person that you are. You need to be yourself apart from being nice to him. If he is attracted to that person, then its good for you, if not, then its his loss. But trust that someone more deserving will probably notice you.

GD luck!

[Guest don't try too hard]

One friend gives me a piece of good advice that one should not have expectation(s). According to him, whether the relationship is between the parent and children or between lovers, the way to live happily is to love without any expectation.

Alas, he is happy but remains single thus far

[oralb]

gish, nearly got a shock when i read this posting, tot my inner conscience wrote this without my notice.

bascially this is exactly what i am going through...

so to maledae, join the queue and know that you are not alone.

[TopChinese]

Great advice, all... its always better to be loved than to love...

Sigh, problem is how do you resist the the urge to explode all of your love for him? Its hard to act coy if you're on your knees in front of his cock..

[Guest Guess]

love n lust???

how to decifer le :smokin:

[Frogprince]

I guess it's really up to individuals when such things happened. Happened to me before. I like one particular guy alot and no matter how well i treat him, no matter how many touching things i did for him. He still treats me as a friend. TO me, i feel that i had tried my best and i give up. The reason why i give up is that i realised that no matter what i do for him, things will remains. I cannot force him to love me.. so slowly i diverted my attention towards him to gym and watching vcd ( long drama series). He felt my withdrawal and started to be more concern towards me. I was happy at first but things still doesn't work. I moved on. He just want my attention and that's it.. It has been 4 years and we are still friends.. We dun call each other that often anymore but we are still friends

[Buaya]

I definitely agree it is better to be loved than to love...

I also agree that most men will only treat you better if you are not so good to them!... I remember a friend saying and (gay) men and 'jian' (cheap). The better you treat them, the more they dun care about you and your existance (and of course that covers your feelings, thoughts etc)... The more mean you are to them, the more they want to get your attention, your love, etc... You. basically... And I witnessed it with my bf, as an example... He will take me for granted but when I am angry and ignoring him, he will come and sai nai and sayang me to get me to be before I am angry...

*Sigh*...

So, I suggest you cool down and take a step back. Let the other guy have some space and see if he needs you... If he feels your absence and miss it, he will look for you... If he does not look for you... Then no point wasting your time and hurting yourself...

Take care...

[GachiMuchi]

Jericho, well said. I think you must have very good EQ.

When we do something nice for someone, do we want to do it because we want to or because we can get something out of it? If the favour is not returned like we expected, do we get disappointed?

Why can't we do it because we genuinely wants to do it and are not expecting something back? Why can't we just help a friend or someone we like because it feels good that we are able to help, instead of expecting that person to like/love us back.

The above ways of getting someone to like/love you is a very passive way to telling someone you like them.

Jericho have brought up some very active ways in the "playing" the "Dating game".

Attraction has to happen to both party. If a person is not attracted by you, he will most probably treat you just like a normal friend. He may like you because you are nice but that should not be mistaken for love.

You should move on with your life and find other more deserving person to shower your affection, although there is nothing wrong in keeping him close as a friend.

When there is no expectation, there will not be disappointments. The greater the expectations, the bigger the disappointments.

[Guest Trapped]

You know...this discussion thread really talks about what a lot of us go through...One thing's for sure...for those of us going through and working out such issues in our lives, rest assured that there are a lot of the same kind of people out there...YOU ARE NOT ALONE...

For me, its the other way round - so maybe after some discussion, we will all see some 'light' to what we are going through.

I am not the one trying to win the love of someone else. I have quite a few people trying to win my love and be my bf. I am not trying to be arrogant, but I just want to share what I am going through.

I have met a fair number of guys. A lot of them really like me, but because they are not totally my type, I cannot bring myself to commit to anything serious with them, cause I know in the end it will cause them more misery...

But, 3 years ago, I met this guy for ONS. I thought I would not see him again after that ONS. However, he continued to call me. He was very persistent, and kept on wanting to get deeper into my life. I would have turned him down like how I turned down the others, but because of certain aspects of him (only a few aspects...) that attracted me a little, I didn't mind meeting him more often.

We started to meet to do stuffs together. He is always much nicer to me than I am to him. To him, we are in a relationship...but it has never been made clear. After 3 years...its still the same. He loves me a lot more than I love him. He gives a lot more and I know if anything happens to the current 'arrangement' he will take it very badly. I won't.

I am staying with the status quo because :

1. He is really very very nice to me

2. He gives me a lot (not money, as we are both not in need of money...but a lot of other stuffs)

3. I know he would be devastated if anything happened to this 'arrangement'

Its been 3 years...I am human too...I have developed some feelings for him. But I know I am not really IN LOVE. In fact, I don't really desire to have too much sex with him, nor too I like to spend too much time with him...But I am concerned for his well-being. I would not want anything bad to happen to him. He is like a brother to me...if that is as accurate as I can put it.

Deep down, I know I am not totally happy with him. I like to go out and meet other new people...but I feel sort of 'tied down' with this 'arrangement' (gosh...I really hate to call this 'arrangement'...but what can I do? I don't think its an LTR like its supposed to be...).

Sometimes I get depressed...but for fear of hurting him, I am not telling him all this...

To all who have read this - I am not asking for advice...so don't pour all your advice on me as you do to some other discussion threads. I just want to 'air' out a little and perhaps let the initiator of this discussion thread know that...being very nice to someone...yes you might be able to 'win' that guy over for some time...but to truly 'win' him over...it takes more than just being nice...If its meant to be, its meant to be...

[mojochub]

I agreed total with Trapped.

Doing something nice is not the way to win the guy over.

Knowing what he wants, what he needs and most important the kind of guy that the person is into.

guess you being in this kind of mess for too many times.

Enlighten and also experienced to know that it may not pay to be nice and good to someone to win his heart over.

However the case, still looking on the bright side of things. Hope that things will work out for you this time round. :thumb:

[Frogprince]

In my point of view, I will still love him even though he did not feel the same. Course i feel that if i have tried and done my best, no regrets.. If i do not at least try, I will live with a regret...

Jia you guys...

Webi webi...

[Buaya]

And that's what I fear my bf is getting himself into... Treating me more and more as a friend and/or brother... and not knowing it himself...

[Guest Guest]

Buaya, you need to be clear to yourself, what you really want from your boy boy? What really he treat you as, most case sad to say that this circle to most people Love don't last, sometimes he don't wish to hurt you & waiting you are the one who say Good Bye, at least he don't feel bad & sorry, get what i mean?

Some people just get used to each other but not Love, most people thought they know & understand their partner very well though they been together for long, however fact is that he is the only one who assume, he totally don't know what his Lover want actually...

When you want to fall in Love with a person, don't have the thinking " I want to change him ", normally this type of person will lead to no where, either you accept what he is or leave it, if he truely Love you, he will change himself for you

[Guest 醉]

就算爱到无路可退, 就算明知没有结果, 我仍愿意独自扛起所有的寂寞与无助.

痛也要刻骨铭心, 就算伤痕累累, 只要曾走过一段, 此生无怨无毁.

真正爱一个人, 就是希望对方幸福, 还他自由, 给他想要的天堂...

就算分隔俩地, 爱你的心此生仍然陪你痛苦伤心.

[Guest Guest]

Relationship is strange that's what I see so far. People tends to stray after a while and yet they still want to keep the "arrangement". Or is the feeling of "in love" is no longer there and ones need to renew the feeling with others. :hat:

Buaya, you must be a loving guy hope your boiboi is not like the chinese saying " Riding the donkey searching for the horse".

But sometimes in the "arrangement", I do see even one party stray the other one is still able to accept sigh.... worse both stray not telling each other

[Guest It really hurts...]

For me, I am taking easy and my feeling for men is quite numb already. Happen a few times in my gay life. Always fall for someone that dun like me, not even want to be causal friend. Getting hurt all the times.

Sometime come and think about it, it still hurts, someone I break down and cry in my bed and keep asking why can't I love someone that love me back. Strange is that I alawys don't like someone that like me, as the saying go, not my type, no special feeling for him, how to love him.

for now I just enjoy a lots of ONS great sex but sometime feel lonely, although got great sex that does not fulfill my loneliness.

Recently I quite like a guy in the Planet gym, I know him briefly, tried to date him and called him but he is not interested. Just want to say Hi and brief conversation only. I get hurt again, I feel better if I dun see lor, once I see his piece of handsome face, my feeling for him sure come back. If you want to forget someone, it best not to see him again, right, it easy to forget then. But I cannot quite gym lei, I paid for it and need to exercise my body. How ah...

I guess I am faithed to be loner for all my life. I keep waiting when will I love someone and love me back. I dun want someone to love me but I got no feeling for him. I must have love for him first then he love me back. Is not I can choose or control, it all come from my feeling. Love cannot be choose or like a switch on/off. I want to love, then on, or not then off it.

I long for hug and kiss, go for dinner or vacation with someone, but for so many years it never happen. Coming christmas, I will be alone again. You may advise to seek company with friends,relative and family, I know, but that kind of feeling or love is different. I live with my mum and brother, how come I still feel lonely cos my family love is entirely different. How can a man love for his wife be the same love to his mum, right.

I am going to bed, feeling hurt again, keep hoping the guy at the gym will one day be interested in me.

[Guest stranded]

either you accept what he is or leave it, if he truely Love you, he will change himself for you

I accept what he is but he dont change at all.

And that means he dont love me at all............

[Guest Guest]

either you accept what he is or leave it, if he truely Love you, he will change himself for you 

I accept what he is but he dont change at all.

And that means he dont love me at all............

sometimes he don't change not because he don't love you at all, is hard for a person to change his character over a night, maybe he love himself more than you, not everyone can meet his dream guy willing to sacrific for him in his life, i think is more wise to treasure every moment with your love one, no expect no pain & disappointment

[Buaya]

*Sigh*... Imagine telling your partner that you are stressed and suicidal and need someone to talk to... And he says he dun want to talk. Full stop. What will you guys do? Should the depressed guy still carry on the relationship?

[oralb]

i know the easiest and best acceptance ans to buaya's question is to dump that SOB.

but before that, is the bf also troubled in life? maybe he is as stressed as him? can you imagined 2 stressed persons consoling each other?

also is the depressed guy's 1st time? i meant it really can be stressful for anyone to have a partner to have sucidal intention.

i knew of someone that will periodically called up all his friends to announce his sucidal thoughts. for the 1st few times, all the friends rushed in to help, but after the Nth time, it really became a chore to take care of him.

quoting the infamous phase from the HK bus uncle - "you have pressure, i have pressure, why are you troubling me?"

how many of us can truely be a saint?

[Buaya]

Adding more background... Depressed guy had told his partner once before only. His partner, on both occassions seemed, very coincidentally, to have personal problems. These problems seem small and insiginificant to depressed guy. He does not understand how these problems are more important than him having stressed out by work and having suicidal thoughts and couldn't find anyone to talk to, even his partner.

Depressed guy should just dump the fella once and for all?

[oralb]

how about during the normal times, how does the bf treats him?

finally what's the arrangement? is it a true bf relationship or does the bf just treated him like a buddy?

[Buaya]

Oralb, maybe my query can be taken out as a new thread...

Ok, more details...

Normal times, depressed guy's partner can be a little cold towards him. Partner tells depressed guy he loved him but don't like to show it out. Partner seldom, if ever, tells depressed guy the 3 magic weords: 'I Love You'.

Partner also don't like to have sex with depressed guy. No further details on this area.

Depressed guy and partner is supposed to be in a monogamy relationship. Partner don't want to consider open relationship. Depressed guy wonders how partner can survive with very low sex drive (apparent, from above partner's dislike for sex with him).

Both depressed guy and partner are young chaps, below 35yo.

Depressed guy is getting confused.

[sexybeast]

seems like depressed guy likes partner more than partner likes depressed guy. maybe depressed guy treats partner as bf but partner's heart seems not to be in the relationship altho he is there physically. age has nothing to do with this relationship problems.

its most likely 1 side is starting to get sian of the relationship yet (a) he finds it hard to break away from the relationship due to the fact they have been together for a while or get used to having a bf, (b) he is waiting for someone to come in his life before he leaves this relationship.

i have seen many cases like this, where my friends and their partners obviously have lost their passion in the relationship (sometimes 1 party, sometimes both parties) but they stay on cos so sued to each other and mostly nothing better is on offer yet. its only when the bored party finds someone to thrill him and ignite his passion then thats where he starts to break away and move on.

its hard to break away from any relationship, but sometimes u just have to cut your losses and move on. i have friends stuck in dead end relationships for too long that it changes them, it scars and affects them. better let go and move on, next time u find someone who loves u , u will look back and wonder why u so silly in the first place and waste time on someone who dont deserve it.

[newguy2l]

buaya - since i am so bored too I shall try to help u resolve your problem

lets see - young guys - no sex, cold, but still wants monogamy

no future ahead - sorry but thats my opinion

if i were in your shoes I would dump him immediately

tactfully tho so as not to hurt anyone unnessaryly

reason 1 - sex is paramount (to me anyway)

no sex no talk - thats it

reason 2 - u are unhappy and confused - partner is too

that indicates the relationship is not working

unless u are willing to go see a marriage counsellor to resolve these problems please dump him

there are a million other guys out there in the world

you are still young - give your future a chance :whistle:

[Guest Trapped]

Partner seldom, if ever, tells depressed guy the 3 magic words: 'I Love You'.

Hi, its me again - trapped.

Taken from what Buaya said (see quote) - I am very guilty of NEVER ever saying 'I Love You' to the guy in my so-called 'relationship' or 'arrangement' (sigh...there you go...I said 'arrangement' again...). He always says 'I Love You', 'I Miss You', 'I Lover You Very Much' etc. but each time I hear that, I feel slightly uncomfortable, and I just smile, at the most...

Am I hard-hearted? Maybe...most would say. But deep down I know why...If I were to say 'I Love You', I am lying. I am saying something that I don't really feel, and it irks me to have to say something that's just superficial.

So, when you meet a guy that does not say all the niceties to you, while you are lavishing all the words 'I Love You', 'I Miss You' etc. think again...Sometimes, its not because the guy is really hard-hearted, but he is not a liar, and cannot bring himself to say something he does not really feel...

[Guest Guest]

Normal times, depressed guy's partner can be a little cold towards him. Partner tells depressed guy he loved him but don't like to show it out. Partner seldom, if ever, tells depressed guy the 3 magic weords: 'I Love You'.

Partner also don't like to have sex with depressed guy.

Buaya, frankly, if i am in your shoe, i won't confuse, cos either i continue with ths type of " Love Relationship " or i will never turn my head back & walk away no matter how pain i am.

If during normal time he already treat you this way, i think is very obvious, just whether you still want to blind fold yourself not. You can keep look back the past, how sweet & lovely he treat you, but that's past, the choice in your hand.

If for me, every sweet words he give esp 3 letter words will make me pain, i don't understand why you willing to cheat yourself. Do you think lies can cure your sarrow? Is this type of relationship is what you looking for?

No one can help you, only yourself know what type of " Love relationship " you both fall into now, open your heart & follow what it tells you, continue or say Bye Bye

[oralb]

funny thing is, if you read all the postings in this topic, you will realise that both sides are being represented here.

the one who love another deeply and the other party.

read the postings and you will have a clear picture on what's going on from both sides (though i hope this is not the same couple )

the ans is all there.

[Guest Trapped]

funny thing is, if you read all the postings in this topic, you will realise that both sides are being represented here.

the one who love another deeply and the other party.

read the postings and you will have a clear picture on what's going on from both sides (though i hope this is not the same couple )

the ans is all there.

Yes, I am from the other side...not the 'dark side'...but just the 'other' side from the initiator of this discussion thread

That's the reason why I thought my contribution to the discussion might help somewhat...helps us to see that the other guy not responding to your advances is not always the 'villian'. There are justified reasons why he is behaving the way he is behaving...

Sometimes, the guy whom you are chasing after, is also having his share of problems...

[Buaya]

Seriously? I hope trapped is not the partner too!...

But his views do give the 'alternate' side of things... The side we hardly think about or hardly can think about...

[oralb]

i had said this before, in a relationship, it is hard to judge who's right and who's wrong, sometimes there might not even have a "villian"!

a successful relationship depends on the right person, right place and right time. all 3 elements have to be there. now you know why relationship doesnt always work out and extremely hard to maintain, coz you have to constant maintain that "right time" element.

hence if that person is not deemed to be the right person, maintaining the right time becomes a chore in no time. and that's might be what's happening to Buaya's friend's bf.

[oralb]

now is a time for a song

MV of 戴佩妮-淡水河边

[Guest lester]

Being chased by another guy might not be that great as the following happened to me.

about 20years ago, I was pursued by my current bf and I kind of accept him (since he is my first guy) and our relationship blossomed 6 mths later. Our relationship were very strong and we were even so proud of it because most people believes gay relationship isn't going to last that long. We promised to be faithful to each other and if either one caught ONS, the relationship is over...

To cut short, I discovered he was having regular sex with another guy since 3 years back without my knowledge ( btw we stop have any sex 3-4 years back because he refused to citing tired, no mood, his sex drive very low...etc). He doesn't even allow me to caress him. During that 3-4 yrs period, I remain faithful to him. My relief is my right hand... Called me stupid and gullible to have trusted him on a monogamous relationship. Now, I am thinking of leaving him for good as I think no point clinging on to someone that has his heart with someone younger...

So you see, being chased might not have good ending...Sadly, a 15 years relationship gone down the drain just because someone find freshmeat taste better. What more surprising is our relationship has been very good throughout i.e just some more arguments.

thanks for letting me share my woes..

[Guest Trapped]

Being chased by another guy might not be that great as the following happened to me.

about 20years ago, I was pursued by my current bf and I kind of accept him (since he is my first guy) and our relationship blossomed 6 mths later. Our relationship were very strong and we were even so proud of it because most people believes gay relationship isn't going to last that long. We promised to be faithful to each other and if either one caught ONS, the relationship is over...

To cut short, I discovered he was having regular sex with another guy since 3 years back without my knowledge ( btw we stop have any sex 3-4 years back because he refused to citing tired, no mood, his sex drive very low...etc). He doesn't even allow me to caress him. During that 3-4 yrs period, I remain faithful to him. My relief is my right hand... Called me stupid and gullible to have trusted him on a monogamous relationship. Now, I am thinking of leaving him for good as I think no point clinging on to someone that has his heart with someone younger...

So you see, being chased might not have good ending...Sadly, a 15 years relationship gone down the drain just because someone find freshmeat taste better. What more surprising is our relationship has been very good throughout i.e just some more arguments.

thanks for letting me share my woes..

Yes, chaser or chasee, both have their problems. In this case, after 20 years, it doesn't matter who chased who....I am very impressed that:

1. You guys have spent 20 years together

2. You guys (according to your understanding) spent 17 monogamous years together.

When I say this, I am not gloating, just to be clear...but maybe you should celebrate the fact that you had such a lasting relationship with the one you love. 20 years is a long time. You guys know each other so so well...surely it would be just as hard for your bf to leave you as it is for you to leave him. If he chooses to leave you in the end...it is not meant to be...but still cherish the wonderful memories that both of you had together...(there is no smiley with wet, teary eyes...else I would have put one here...)

[oralb]

i believed after 20 years, your love for him is unmistaken.

did you have a talk with him? maybe he is just playful, needed that "ECA" to justify his aging attraction (i take it that he is at least 40yo)

that 15years had not gone down the drain, you have happy moments with him. now you can choose to remember those times or that 3 years of sleeping behind your back.

choose to remember the good things, you always have that choice.

[Guest lester]

thanks guys for the kind words.

Yes, I do value the past 15 years and also deeply love him even now. Otherwise, I would bash him up for betraying my trust. I wished him all the best...

I will move on with my life.. No more relationship for me..atleast for the time being.

[oralb]

lester, i dont know whether you understand chinese, if yes, go click on the MV of the chinese song that i have posted earlier in this topic.